MASTER

PLAYER A play for young adults

by
JINGII

NOTE: Intellectual discretion is needed for the direction and setting of this
play.

(Emmanuella Celestina Nduonofit)

 Scene One
CHARACTERS
Dennis’s mother [DeM]
Dennis’s father [DeF]

DeF: [enters] Your son! Your only son!! Your only child!!!

DeM: Don’t get so worked up, Papa Dennis. You know I had complications
during his birth.

DeF: I wish they were simplications. I couldn’t stand your screams and
yellings. I had to leave that hospital.

DeM: You couldn’t stay to watch the birth of your son.

DeF: Your son, you mean.

DeM: When a child does right, he is the father’s son. But when he does wrong,
he is the mother’s son. Why has Dennis now become my son? Is he not
our son?

DeF: He is my flesh and blood, but honestly speaking, I do not know where he
actually came from. Just look at the only child you gave to me!!

DeM: Us.

DeF: Alright, us. I just bailed him out of Kirikiri. They were processing the
documents of release when I came back here. I used ten times my
stubbornly immovable civil service salary to get that miscreant of a son
out of prison.

DeM: This is terrible!

DeF: Why are you surprised? You delivered him.

DeM: You have started again, Papa Dennis! You men blame us women for any
bad thing a child does in his society. But we never blame you.

DeF: That is because when a man trains a child, that child feeds his family.
But when a woman trains the child, that child feeds a whole nation, if not

2
 the whole world. Anyway, like a chauffeur does his master, let us go and
pick up our son. [Exeunt all.]
Scene Two
CHARACTERS
Dennis
Dennis’s mother
Dennis’s father

DeM: This is the most shameful and disgraceful thing I have ever heard in my
life!!!! My son making love to a girl in front of a thousand
people!!!!

DENNIS: You read my statement, mama.

DeF: Don’t talk back to your mother!

DENNIS: Dad, that mad bitch was a mad nymph.

DeM: Oh! All my sufferings have gone to waste!

DeF: You know, you are the devil himself, young man! How dare you send
your own grandfather packing out of my own house, Dennis!!

DENNIS: Oh, that. The old man and I are not of the same level, you see. But
I can understand. He’s old. I’m young.

DeF: How do you mean, Dennis?

DENNIS: We played draft together. I drafted him out three good times and
took the possessions he wagered on the game. That must have
gotten to him. He couldn’t stand it. Old age was telling on him.
So, I think he should be more comfortable in his father’s house.
I’m comfortable in mine.

DeF: Dennis!!!! You will be standing on live coals by the time I am done with
you. [exits]

DENNIS: Let me make a phone call to my secretary.

DeM: Don’t even try it, Dennis. Your father and I are struggling to foot the
skyrocketing phone bills you and your friends accumulated.

3
DENNIS: Damn you, vile woman! You have impeded my work ever since
the day I escaped from your wretched womb. I guess I’ll make the
call inside my bedroom. [exits]

Scene Three
CHARACTERS
Dennis
Andy
Hunter
Bibi

ANDY: Dennis the fool called me.

HUNTER: Oh! What did he want? That means he’s out.

ANDY: He is making his arrival at this place in five minutes.

HUNTER: Then, I had better make myself scarce. I want to know what is up
his sleeve.

BIBI: My good old cousin is coming to see us.

ANDY: Good old indeed! His good old secretary, which I honourably am,
is faithfully waiting on him, hand and foot. The bastard!

BIBI: He is not a bastard, Andy.

HUNTER: Here we all are, harboured in the same higher institution, waiting
for the academic session to resume, waiting for the S. U. G. parties
… and other things.

BIBI: You know, I am getting bored sleeping around with you guys. You,
Killer, Danger, Waster, I mean it really wears my beautiful skin
off! I can’t replace your lost girlfriends.

HUNTER: But you’ve tried, Bibi, you’ve tried.

ANDY: Look at honourable Master Dennis! He sleeps around, but his

beautiful skin doesn’t wear off!

BIBI: My cousin is a man. I am a wo-man. See the difference?

4
HUNTER: Andy, shut up about Dennis for once! Is he God? Is he special?

ANDY: Special to me he is. I wait on him. I worked for him and made
him who he is today. I connected him to all the big shots. I …

HUNTER:
Stale news!!!
BIBI:

VOICE OUTSIDE: Open this door! Dennis is I.

HUNTER: Goodbye, everyone. [exits]

ANDY: Ah! The O. B. B. in town! How now?

DENNIS: [enters] How do I look?

ANDY: Alright.

DENNIS: Good. So, get that into your head, Andy.

ANDY: You have not changed.

DENNIS: I do not believe in that word.

ANDY: Anyway, the financial possession you siphoned off from Oshiba’s
wife has been depleted, Dennis. It’s time you went after the man
himself.

DENNIS: How?

ANDY: I have made all the necessary arrangements. A black suit is ready
for you. A ready pair of black polished shoes goes with it. Then, a
suave and gentlemanly look, smile, smell and aura to illuminate the
engineer’s residence. With this, I am sure you will be irresistible.

BIBI: It sounds irresistible already.

ANDY: I am ready whenever you are.

DENNIS: Aw, sad story. You know what? You’re a dog, Andrew. You are
greedy for more neglected crumbs. I beat you, I kick you, I flog

5
 you, and as always, you are submissive towards me whenever I call
you. You are a dog who licks her under at intervals hours after
adventurous lovemaking.

ANDY: Well …eh, you will be the man who legally advises him on his
recent contract: the borehole of his sister’s duplex. The building of
it. He wants it to be larger than the duplex itself. Take it or leave
it?

DENNIS: I’ll take it. Let me name the lord and his serfs for you. Dennis –
colon – Hun-ter, Dan-ger, Kil-ler, Was-ter. We are giants of
angelic paternity. We live on milked Lipton and garlic. Hunter in
front of me, Danger at my right and Killer at my left, Waster at my
behind. That was how we were wherever we went. They knew I
was important. They knew my importance. I was king, I am king
and I will be king. And I am proud to say that I have fingered all
their girlfriends. I had to be a two-women-at-the-same-time man,
then, but only once was I that. Aw, sad story!

BIBI: Wow, Cousin Dennis! You sure are powerful.

DENNIS: There I am, sitting on the hot seat of power. It’s burning me
profusely. I sweat and sweat and sweat, but I don’t get up. I sit
there, burning. I burn up to a skeleton, but I don’t get up. I can’t
get up and I won’t get up because if I do, I will get bloody ice-cold.

ANDY: I know the feeling.

DENNIS: Just look at! Retired Lieutenant-General Sholu Agbogbe lost over
five hundred thousand naira to me, alongside with his exuberantly
youthful daughter. He feels polygamous, but he is not. I hear he is
on the hunt for me but unfortunately for him, I hid under fiction.
Chief Prince Oliseh desperately gave up seventy thousand naira
unto my hands and he received the same treatment. But he had no
daughters or young sisters for me to use. Then I took Alhaji
Haruna Mustapha’s one million naira. But he was a tough one.
Before he could get me, I had exhausted half of his large harem
and made my escape route. I am, was and will be blessedly
powerful.

ANDY: Like I said, you haven’t changed.

6
DENNIS: You cannot stop the rooster from roosting. You cannot stop the
snooker from snooking. You cannot stop the poker from poking.
It is as simple as that.

ANDY: Listen carefully, Dennis. When you are sweeping the compound,
be careful not to destroy the houses of the ants.

DENNIS: Ha! Indeed!! The Chief receives a monthly delivery of

MacDonald’s Big Burger. The Alhaji has CNN under his feet.
The retired lieutenant-general dines with Bill Gates and is seeking
for the hand of Bill Clinton’s daughter. And me, I try to eat to live.
My village now thrives and bubbles, thanks to my stolen money.

BIBI: Well, your short speeches were heavily laid down, Cousin Dennis. You
speak like a speaker. You talk like a talker.

ANDY: What have you just said, Bibi? Abeg no mind dis girl jare!
Engineer Oshiba will be waiting for my phone call at his residence
right about now. I want you to go there and meet him. The phone
call is all about the new you.

DENNIS: You have really tried for me, Andy. I think you are done after this
business with the engineer. I need new ideas, fresh hands,
innovative advice. You appear tired.

ANDY: I’m not tired.

DENNIS: Sorry, Andy. I want a new dog.

ANDY: Oh! OK, well, may I present to you your disguise. Go for it,
Dennis!

DENNIS: My name is Dennis

My game is tennis
I have a long penis
To women, I’m sweet menace
I’ll see you after this smooth operation, Bibi. [exits]

7
 Scene Four
CHARACTERS
Andy
Hunter

HUNTER: I swear I will lynch him if he had stayed here for another second!!

ANDY: Forget that, Hunter. Take care of him.

HUNTER: What?

ANDY: Take care of Dennis.

HUNTER: How?

ANDY: You take care of him by taking care of him.

HUNTER: Is that how?

ANDY: That is how.

HUNTER: OK. I will.

ANDY: Good. Besides, he has my girlfriend.

HUNTER: He has everybody’s girlfriends. When I am done with him, he will

be a pathetic soul, being placed beside the notorious one.

ANDY: That bastard is relieving me of my duties to him. What will he

give me after my endless, tireless services I rendered unto him?
Nothing. Will he appreciate my efforts? No. I will depart from
him more haggard than when I came to him.

HUNTER: Dennis is not a bastard, Andy.

ANDY: I know him more than you do, Hunter. I made him.

HUNTER: Why are you still with him after all he has done to you?

ANDY: First, I love the job I do. And second, I have to be paid my wages.
Dennis cannot get rid of me that simply. If he thinks that, he has
got another think coming! Till death to us part, Dennis!!! He does

8
 not know me. How unfortunate! I don’t think he will ever know
me in his life. Ha!

HUNTER: Wait until Danger, Killer and Waster get to hear what “Lord
Dennis” said about them!! Then, he will really open his eyes and
see the sort of “friends” he made for himself. [exits]

Scene Five
CHARACTERS
Dennis
Dennis’s mother
Dennis’s father

DeF: And just where are you coming from, young man?

DENNIS: [enters] I went out. I have that right, don’t I?

DeM: Your father asked you a simple question.

DENNIS: And he got a simple answer.

DeM: Where on earth did you get those dresses you are carrying?

DENNIS: This is my business, mama.

DeF: Dennis! You are getting out of hand!

DENNIS: You mean you haven’t noticed this character of mine since
childhood? Shame on you both. This means you have tortoise
eyes. [exits]

DeF: See the son you delivered!

DeM: See the son you raised!! I will no longer carry the blame of Dennis’s
behaviour. He is your problem now, Papa Dennis. [exits]

9
 Scene Six
CHARACTERS
Dennis
Engineer Oshiba [EngOsh]
Oshiba’s wife [OshW]

DENNIS: [enters] Good afternoon, Mr. Oshiba. I am Mr. Shittu Wilson. I

believe you got a telephone call from my colleague, Andrew.

EngOsh: Oh yes. That is true. Mr. Andrew, eh, Eji. Andrew Eji. Now I
know. And please, I am not Mister Oshiba. I am Engineer Oshiba
of Oshiba Holdings Plc Ltd. Do not forget that.

DENNIS: My apologies, sir. I am your legal adviser concerning the borehole

in your sister’s duplex.

EngOsh: That is right. I am expecting a phone call from Mr. Eji.

DENNIS: Well, he won’t phone. You see, he has told me to come here in
person.

EngOsh: Yes, you are right. Andrew talked about you. So, what do you
think should be done about that borehole?

DENNIS: Well, I may suggest that the money given to this contract be
handed over to me. I know of very competent hands who can
handle the job.

EngOsh: Are you sure it will not be much of a problem?

DENNIS: Most certainly not, Engineer Oshiba. I have handled cases like this
before, and I was successful in every one of them.

EngOsh: Yes. Andrew told me, and I don’t doubt him for one minute. OK.
Let me get the cheque. You’ll wait, won’t you?

DENNIS: I have all day, sir.

EngOsh: Good. I’ll be right back. [exits]

OshW: How are you, Shittu?

10
DENNIS: Come into my arms, woman!

OshW: I missed you.

DENNIS: Me, too.

OshW: I’m at the mercy of my overbearing husband. All I own is gone.

DENNIS: Don’t worry. Everything will be alright.

OshW: Will it?

DENNIS: It will. Trust me.

OshW: I’ve always trusted you, Shittu. I see no reason to stop now.

DENNIS: I love you very much, Seri. I wish I had enough time to be with
you a little longer.

OshW: Where will you be?

DENNIS: Your husband’s contract is terribly clashing with another one I

have abroad.

OshW: Oh my God! Does this mean that I’ll never see you again?

DENNIS: To be honest with you, I will be away for quite a long time. But I
will always cherish the stolen times we had together. I will never
forget the many beds we’ve warmed with our bodies, and the many
hotels we’ve been to. You took care of everything, my sweetheart.

OshW: I will never stop loving you, Shittu.

DENNIS: Keep away from me. Your husband’s coming.

EngOsh: [enters] Alright, Mr. Wilson. Here is the cheque for nine hundred
thousand naira and here is my card to contact me in case more
money is needed.

DENNIS: Thank you very much, sir. You won’t regret this.

EngOsh: I sure hope not.

11
DENNIS: Certainly! My legal advice will make this contract a big success.
Your sister will be sure to have uninterrupted water supply from
that borehole.

EngOsh: Thank you, Mr. Wilson. I am grateful to you. Excuse me, let me
go and change for an outing. [exits]

OshW: When will we see each other again?

DENNIS: Seri, I’ll be extremely busy, as I said before. But I will try and call
you.

OshW: I’ll be expecting that call, darling. So, goodbye, my love.

DENNIS: Goodbye, Seri. [exits]

OshW: Please, please, he should call me. I miss him so much. Such a
beautiful man.

EngOsh: [enters] My dear, aren’t you ready for the luncheon?

OshW: I’m coming, dear. Give me a minute. [exits]

Scene Seven
CHARACTERS
Dennis
Bibi
Andy

DENNIS: [enters] Victory is sweet!

ANDY: How did everything go?

DENNIS: You know, I could not believe that I could be believed so … so

cheaply, so easily like that. It was too fast.

ANDY: I had a hand in that.

DENNIS: Thanks, Andy. More of this and I’ll be Croesus.

BIBI: If you are him, that is.

12
DENNIS: When you dress sweet, when you look sweet, when you stare
sweet, when you smell sweet, when you talk sweet, you are sweet.

ANDY: Exactly. I told you you’ll be irresistible. Now, where’s the

money?

DENNIS: I got this money very fast. But you won’t take it from me that fast.

ANDY: What do you mean?

DENNIS: For one thing, the money is on a rectangular sheet of paper.

ANDY: Then, tear that paper into two.

BIBI: Don’t tell me you are that dumb, Andy.

ANDY: I was just joking, Bibi. Cash the money out of that paper soonest,
Dennis.

DENNIS: Wow! Is that an order?

ANDY: No. A suggestion.

DENNIS: There is Bible time.

ANDY: Which is …?

DENNIS: None of your business. I purchased today’s edition of HINTS

magazine. There is a new face in one of the personal columns.

BIBI: Who’s that?

DENNIS: Tami Zebedee, a very eye-catching name. She is an Ameri-

Nigerian, her mother white, her father black. She even published
her photo. She’s not just a pretty face. She’s a beautiful face.

BIBI: Oh?

DENNIS: Yes. She wrote on relationships, blah, blah, blah. Men, she’s got
impeccable skin!! I’m going after her.

BIBI: Ha! You can’t get her.

13
DENNIS: Oh yes, I can. You see, she is the daughter of the honourable Vice
Chancellor to the higher institution we all attend, and she is a
family friend of your pathetic and Godforsaken mother, Bibi.
Information also has it that she will be spending half of her
holidays with her.

BIBI: What makes you think she’s with my mother now? It is strange that I
don’t know her. Well, I can’t know everyone these days.

DENNIS: It won’t be sinful if I try her, would it? What better way than to
make love to the Vice Chancellor’s daughter before school
resumes!! She will be my greatest victory.

BIBI: What if you are unsuccessful?

DENNIS: You want to place a bet on it?

BIBI: I will take up this wager. If I win, I shall tell your mother and your father
that you are a proud owner of a dark blue, brand new BMW, and
also, I will now be its new owner.

DENNIS: And if you lose?

BIBI: Then, you and I will be Adam and Eve when they ate the forbidden fruit.
Admit it, Dennis. You desired me as a woman the very first time
you laid your eyes upon me.

ANDY: Oooh! This is story!

DENNIS: And that forbidden fruit is my favourite fruit. Alright then. It is a

deal.

ANDY: It is traditionally unlawful for you guys to …

DENNIS: Shut up, Andy! Don’t soil the fun with your foul dog-tongue. I am
cashing out that money tomorrow.

ANDY: Great! That’s perfect!

DENNIS: And, Andy, three-quarters of that money belongs to me.

ANDY: No problem.

14
DENNIS: Well, I must be heading home. Goodbye, people. [exits]

ANDY: Dennis is the biggest fool I have ever encountered! He won’t win
that bet.

BIBI: And if he does?

ANDY: If he does, he won’t live to enjoy the reward. I’ll make sure of
that. I sure hope Hunter know what he’s to do.

BIBI: What does Hunter have to do with anything?

ANDY: It’s business, Bibi.

BIBI: OK. Well, I’ll leave you to your verbal castigation. [exits]

Scene Eight
CHARACTERS
Dennis
Dennis’s aunt [DeA]
Tami

DENNIS: [enters] Ah! My sweetest and deepest and nearest relative in the
whole world!! How are you? You sure ‘sistered’ my mother so
well.

DeA: Ha! I never thought I existed to you, Dennis. What brings you to my
house?

DENNIS: Sad story! What makes you think so? Who told you that? Are
you sure it is me?

DeA: Dennis the terrible menace, that’s who.

DENNIS: Ah! You see? It was Dennis the menace, not me Dennis.

DeA: Dennis, my nephew unfortunately, what brings you to my house?

DENNIS: Can’t your noble nephew pay a visit to his sweetest and deepest
and nearest relative in the world? Have I committed a sin by
coming here to see you?

15
DeA: You have never done this before. Why now? I believe you have
something up your sleeve.

DENNIS: That’s an unbelief, my dear aunt. Come and check my two sleeves
for yourself. There is nothing there.

DeA: Ha! You never cease to amaze me.

DENNIS: I told my parents that I will be coming to spend some time with
you. Abi, is it a sin now? So many children would die to stay with
their aunties. My parents even thought it was a wonderful idea.

DeA: That one is a very fat lie coming from you, Dennis. You never tell the
truth. I’ll have to phone your parents to really find out.

DENNIS: OK then. Be my guest.

DeA: Are you serious about staying with me, Dennis?

DENNIS: Most certainly.

DeA: Do you really want to spend the remaining holidays in my house?

DENNIS: Positively.

DeA: Alright then. Let me phone your parents. [exits]

DENNIS: What an old haggot she is! She hasn’t even changed a bit.
Appears still as Godforsaken as ever! Wow!!

TAMI: [enters] Hello. Is Mama Bibi around?

DENNIS: Hi, Hi! I am Dennis. You must be the newly-famous Tami

Zebedee, the female Ameri-Nigerian. Your picture is everywhere.
That was some article you wrote for HINTS. Welcome to my
mother’s sister’s abode.

TAMI: Thank you.

DENNIS: Come sit beside me.

TAMI: I sit wherever I choose.

16
DENNIS: Ooh! Cold feet, eh?

TAMI: I guess you can say that.

DENNIS: Please, don’t have cold feet whenever I’m concerned. Feel at
home.

TAMI: I already feel at home, with or without you telling me to do so.

DENNIS: Oh! OK, well, so, how were your years with your white mother?

TAMI: Good.

DENNIS: No wonder. I see her in every word in that article you wrote and
published. You must have been influenced by her.

TAMI: Well, I don’t expect a man like you to understand my principles.

DENNIS: Here in Nigeria, we don’t look for principles. You are just another
pretty face. I am a typical Nigerian man looking for pretty faces
everywhere and anywhere.

TAMI: It’s not surprising, considering the circumstances.

DENNIS: Why do you say that? What do you mean?

TAMI: I have heard so much about you.

DENNIS: Like what and what?

TAMI: That you promise girls the whole world in order to go to bed with
them, and that you are ruthless in your actions.

DENNIS: Who gave you that information?

TAMI: It will be very unethical of me to reveal my source of information.

I was not brought up that way.

DENNIS: Sad story! Are you sure the information you got about me is
genuine?

TAMI: The source is certainly a hundred percent reliable.

17
DENNIS: I see. Well, I am sorry to say that nobody knows me except me,
you understand?

TAMI: That’s your problem, Dennis, not mine.

DeA: [enters] Ah, welcome, Tami. Dennis, I phoned your parents to confirm.
Unfortunately, what you said about staying here with me is true.

DENNIS: See? I told you.

DeA: So, for that reason, you will help me take care of Mr. Aroghubosure while
Tami and I go shopping.

DENNIS: Eh, ah, who is this Mr. Aro – Aroghu –?

DeA: Mr. Aroghubosure is an old man, a bit over eighty years of age. He lives
a stone’s throw from here. Here is his address. His house is not
hard to find. I promised to keep him company today, but with you
being there, he will understand and maybe feel a little freer.

DENNIS: But, my dear aunt, I’m not so good at charity work, I must admit.

DeA: Don’t worry, Dennis. Just go there. You will learn. If you won’t do this
for me, you won’t stay here with me. OK?

DENNIS: OK. I will do it, I guess.

DeA: Thank you. I knew I could rely on you. Well, take care of him and take
care of yourself. [Exeunt DeA & Tami]

DENNIS: Damn! What the hell! This is nonsense! As they say: a beggar
has no choice. [exits]

18
 Scene Nine
CHARACTERS
Dennis
Mr. Aroghubosure [Mr. Aro]
Dennis’s aunt
Tami

MR. ARO: What a tiring day today is for me!

DENNIS: [enters] How are you, Mr. Aroghubosure? I had just finished
escorting your granddaughter out, Mr. Aroghubosure.

MR. ARO: What a tiring day today is, Mr. Dennis!

DENNIS: It sure is! I agree with you, Mr. Aroghubosure. We played

WHOT, Mr. Aroghubosure.

MR. ARO: We did?

DENNIS: Yes, Mr. Aroghubosure, and you won me three times, Mr.
Aroghubosure.

MR. ARO: I did?

DENNIS: Yes, Mr. Aroghubosure, and I made love to your granddaughter.

MR. ARO: Pardon? What did you say?

DENNIS: I said, would you like to have a glass of water?

MR. ARO: No, thank you.

DENNIS: OK, Mr. Aroghubosure.

MR. ARO: You know, I once ran a business …

DENNIS: … which later folded up.

MR. ARO: And then, my late son came and saved me financially.

DENNIS: You have told me before, Mr. Aroghubosure.

19
MR. ARO: I did? Oh, I must have forgotten! Oh, what a tiring day!

DENNIS: It is, Mr. Aroghubosure. Your granddaughter sure was juicy.

MR. ARO: Pardon? What?

DENNIS: I said, would you like to take something juicy?

MR. ARO: I am not thirsty, Mr. Dennis. Thank you.

DeA: [enters] Mr. Aroghubosure, good afternoon.

MR. ARO: Good afternoon, my dear. How are you?

DeA: I’m fine, sir. And you?

MR. ARO: I am feeling good and well, thanks to Mr. Dennis here.

DeA: Well, that’s my nephew for you, sir. Always such a sweet boy.

MR. ARO: Well, who have you brought with you?

DeA: This is Miss Tami Zebedee. Her father is the Vice Chancellor to the
university she got admission to. The academic session will soon
resume.

MR. ARO: That is wonderful news, my dear.

DeA: Hope there was no problem?

MR. ARO: There was no problem at all. You see, me and Mr. Dennis played
WHOT together.

DENNIS: Yes, we did.

MR. ARO: And I won him three times.

DeA: Aw, Mr. Aroghubosure, did you?

DENNIS: Yes, he did.

DeA: You know, it sounds almost impossible to believe, but …

20
MR. ARO: It is true, dear. I am looking forward to playing another game with
your nephew.

DENNIS: Don’t worry, Mr. Aroghubosure. Next time we will play chess.

MR. ARO: Chess? What is that?

DENNIS: I will teach you, Mr. Aroghubosure.

TAMI: It is an easy game to learn.

DENNIS: You might even come and play with us, Miss Zebedee. I can even
teach you.

TAMI: I do not think so, Dennis. I will practically be busy. I won’t have
time for games.

DENNIS: You intend to write another article for HINTS?

TAMI: Well, not exactly.

DENNIS: Come on! You can at least spare some time for some game.

DeA: Dennis, if Tami says she will be busy, then she will be busy. Mr.
Aroghubosure, we have to be going. Can you manage on your
own? Or should Dennis come and spend the night with you?

MR. ARO: Well, I would like his company. But I do not want to
inconvenience him.

DeA: There is no inconvenience at all, is there, Dennis?

DENNIS: But … my dear aunt …

DeA: Then, it is settled. He will stay with you, Mr. Aroghubosure. Wouldn’t
you, Dennis?

DENNIS: Well …

DeA: OK then. He has agreed. Goodbye, Mr. Aroghubosure. And once again,
Dennis. Take care of yourself. [Exeunt DeA & Tami.]

DENNIS: Damn!

21
MR. ARO: Pardon? What did you say?

DENNIS: Nothing, Mr. Aroghubosure. Excuse me, Mr. Aroghubosure. I am

coming. [exits]

Scene Ten
CHARACTERS
Dennis
Tami
Dennis’s aunt

TAMI: Welcome back, Dennis.

DENNIS: [enters] How are you, Tami?

TAMI: Fine.

DENNIS: What are you doing?

TAMI: I’m cleaning up the house. Your aunt will be here any minute.
She went out to get us breakfast. You certainly left the old man’s
house in a hurry. How was your stay there?

DENNIS: It was nice.

TAMI: You told your aunt that you were not good at charity work.

DENNIS: And she said that I should not worry, that I will learn. So, I’ve
learnt.

TAMI: I doubt that a hundred percent. You played WHOT with him and
he won you three times? I for one know that old man couldn’t
have possibly seen the cards.

DENNIS: Do not underestimate old men, Tami. Here. I got this for you. A
genuine leather schoolbag.

TAMI: You shouldn’t have.

DENNIS: Alright then. I’ll take it back.

22
TAMI: No, no! Please don’t!! It was really kind of you, but you just
shouldn’t have.

DENNIS: Why don’t I amuse you at the amusement park today? It will be
fun.

TAMI: I know it will be more than just fun. And I’d love to.

DENNIS: Great! So, I’ll go and get changed. And as soon as you are ready,
we’ll get going. [exits]

DeA: [enters] How is it, Tami? Is Dennis back?

TAMI: Yes, he returned.

DeA: So quickly? Well, I expect that from him. Where is he now?

TAMI: In his bedroom. He got me a schoolbag.

DeA: That was sweet of him. Can you see the intention behind the purchase of
this bag?

TAMI: Very clearly, Mama Bibi. And thanks for telling me about him.
You were right.

DeA: Just be careful where he is concerned. I’m responsible for you.

TAMI: OK, Mama Bibi. By the way, how is your daughter? I am looking
forward to seeing her.

DeA: Well, she barely sees me, her mother. She is almost equivalent to Dennis.

TAMI: Oh! That’s too bad.

DeA: Don’t worry. She’ll get over it, soon.

TAMI: Let me go and change. Dennis and I are going to the amusement
park. [exits]

DeA: Well, good luck to you.

23
 Scene Eleven
CHARACTERS
Dennis
Andy
Bibi

DENNIS: [enters] Hello.

ANDY: Hey! Hey!! Hey!!! Whatever happened to you? Why that frown?

BIBI: Wait, wait. Let me guess. Miss Tami Zebedee turned you down.

DENNIS: Don’t you ever read my mind again, Bibi!

BIBI: Ha! Losing your touch, I see. The Dennis I know will never lose touches
like that.

DENNIS: I will get her. It is just going to take a little longer than I expected.

ANDY: Say, how long did it take you to get my girlfriend, Dennis?

DENNIS: What?

BIBI: Aw, come on, Dennis. Sweat it out a little. I think you need the exercise.

DENNIS: I don’t have to answer you, Andy.

ANDY: Coward!

DENNIS: Coward? You dare to call me a coward? Let me tell you, I have
made progress. I took her to the amusement park.

BIBI: How long did the amusement last? You know, one can never get amused
under the sun.

DENNIS: I have warned you not to read my mind again, Bibi.

ANDY: What else did you do, Dennis?

DENNIS: Well, I got her a schoolbag.

BIBI: A schoolbag?

24
DENNIS: Yes, and she was very touched to see it.

ANDY: And you call this progress?

DENNIS: Well, it is a gradual process.

BIBI: Your actions were never gradual, Dennis, and you know it. Mind you, I
emulate you. Don’t let me down.

DENNIS: Excuse me, people. I have work to do. [exits]

ANDY: Ha! Perfect timing!!

BIBI: Why do you say that?

ANDY: I have never seen Dennis lose before.

BIBI: Everyone and anyone is subject to change.

ANDY: But not my Dennis! The powerful Dennis never changes.

BIBI: Well, you are seeing it for yourself.

ANDY: Yes, and it is perfect timing. What better way than to get him at
his weakest point!

BIBI: I have to leave you, Andy. I have to see the girl who is giving my
beloved cousin hell. I’ll give you feedback soon. [exits]

Scene Twelve
CHARACTERS
Dennis

25
Tami
Bibi

DENNIS: [enters] Hi, Tami. How is it?

TAMI: I’m okay, Dennis. Thanks for your concern.

DENNIS: Why don’t I take you out to dinner tonight?

TAMI: I can cook, Dennis. I don’t eat out.

DENNIS: I want to give you a nice treat, Tami.

TAMI: I agreed to give us a nice treat in the house. You know, it is

healthy to eat home-made food.

DENNIS: Tami, I insist.

TAMI: And Dennis, I refuse.

DENNIS: What’s wrong with you? Can’t you just unwind a little?

TAMI: I achieve satisfaction by staying at home.

DENNIS: OK. So, what do you intend to cook for the both of us tonight?

TAMI: That’s my business, Dennis. All you should know is that the food
will be delicious. Your aunt wanted to cook, but I told her that I
would do it, for a change. She will be looking forward to my
cooking, she told me.

DENNIS: Damn! I have this feeling that my aunt told you about me.

TAMI: But you can’t prove that, Dennis, can you?

DENNIS: There is no need for proof. She is always in the way between you
and me. That’s proof enough.

TAMI: Sorry, Dennis. You’re simply not my type.

DENNIS: Oh-ho! And why do you say that?

TAMI: I say it because I know it.

26
DENNIS: Do you have feelings for me at all?

TAMI: I admit I do have feelings for you, Dennis.

DENNIS: Then why are you quitting me?

TAMI: You want to know why? Because I don’t trust myself with you.

DENNIS: You will regret saying that to me. You will regret the day you
turned your back on love.
Do you really want me, baby
Let me know
’Cos if you really like me
I suggest you tell me so
I got no time for silly games
That ain’t even why I came
’Cos I may be the kind of guy you like

BIBI: [enters] Hi, guys.

DENNIS: Hi, Bibi. This is Miss Tami Zebedee, the girl I told you about.

TAMI: Your mother has told me so much about you, Bibi.

BIBI: And Dennis has told me so much about you also, Miss Zebedee.

TAMI: Call me Tami. Em, excuse me for a moment. [exits]

BIBI: Well, well! She sure is a knockout, cousin. No wonder she’s giving you
such a hard time.

DENNIS: Shut up, will you!

BIBI: Gosh! What’s wrong with you?

DENNIS: You are interrupting my work, Bibi.

BIBI: She has really gotten into you, hasn’t she?

DENNIS: I have told you to shut up.

27
BIBI: I could imagine myself wearing the latest in fashion and riding that slick,
hidden car of yours. I could just imagine the looks on your
parents’ faces when they find out.

DENNIS: Well, they are just images, Bibi. They are not real.

BIBI: Oh, the ball is in your court, Dennis. Play it well.

DENNIS: Listen here, bitch! Do you know how much I put into that car
which you intend to acquire over a bet game? No, of course you
don’t. Do you know how much I put into myself for me to become
who I am today? Positively not.

BIBI: What about Andy?

DENNIS: Andrew was a thankless tool. I have relieved him of his services to
me.

BIBI: Oh Dennis!

DENNIS: What?

BIBI: You’re crumbling. I can see it.

DENNIS: Not yet. Tami made me laugh at the amusement park.

BIBI: You are in love with her, aren’t you?

DENNIS: Bibi …

BIBI: Do you love her?

DENNIS: I have just discovered that.

BIBI: When?

DENNIS: Right now as I am looking at you.

BIBI: Oh Dennis!

DENNIS: What is it?

BIBI: The BMW is mine, you say?

28
DENNIS: No.

BIBI: Why not?

DENNIS: Because the bet is not over yet.

BIBI: What do you mean by that? A bet is a bet, Dennis.

DENNIS: Well, I am too sorry, Bibi. You know what? I do not care about
that car, but I will make sure you don’t own it.

BIBI: Any particular reason why?

DENNIS: Yes. You don’t deserve it. I have made a decision.

BIBI: What decision?

DENNIS: To tell Tami everything.

BIBI: Wow!

DENNIS: So, no more sad story again.

BIBI: Ah, but this is. All that you have ever achieved in your life will be turned
to dust because of her? Well, good luck to you. I have to go. This
is news. [exits]

TAMI: [enters] Bibi isn’t here?

DENNIS: Eh, she left. Em, Tami, I have to tell you something important. It
won’t be easy, though. All I want is your true forgiveness.

TAMI: What is it? What have you done?

DENNIS: Em, you see, you were just a conquest.

TAMI: What?

DENNIS: I swear, I have never told this to any girl in my life before. I just
wanted to see what you were like in bed.

TAMI: I knew it!!

29
DENNIS: But Tami …

TAMI: Get out!

DENNIS: Tami, please, listen!

TAMI: I said get out, Dennis!

DENNIS: Alright. If you want me to go, I’ll go. [exits]

TAMI: You bastard! Oh gosh, how much I love you!!!

Scene Thirteen
CHARACTERS
Bibi
Andy
Hunter

BIBI: [enters] Nna, tory dey for ground, o!!

ANDY: Wetin shelle now?

HUNTER: What are you saying?

BIBI: Andy, Dennis has lost the bet, but he won’t fulfil his side of the bargain.

ANDY: Why is that?

BIBI: I don’t know. He is not Dennis anymore. He is something else, now that
he is in love.

HUNTER: Dennis? In love? Ha! You’re joking.

BIBI: I will slap your face there, Hunter! How can I be joking about something
like this?

ANDY: She’s not joking, Hunter. Dennis was here, complaining about
Tami Zebedee, the Vice Chancellor’s daughter that he wanted to
hit.

30
HUNTER: Hei! Dennis … and Vice Chancellor! Ah, my hand no dey, o!!
Abi im dey craze?

BIBI: God! Let me go and mourn him. [exits]

ANDY: Bibi will not be the only one mourning him. Go take care of him,
Hunter. He’s shaking.

HUNTER: Well, it is about time!! [exits]

ANDY: You were right, Dennis. I am a dog. A dog who just watches his
master convulse to the ground and continues to a gradual stop. I
am a dog who just watches him, nothing else. Dennis, if I am a
dog, you are its master. But now, it’s goodbye.

Scene Fourteen
CHARACTERS
Bibi
Dennis’s aunt
Dennis’s mother
Dennis’s father

DeA: [enters] Ah! Mama Dennis! Papa Dennis! I am undone!!

DeM: My God, what happened?

DeF: What is the problem?

DeA: Bibi, tell them what you told me.

BIBI: Well, you see, I was returning from a girlfriend’s house. On my way
home, I saw a clothed, bleeding body. Normally, one runs away when
one sees a corpse. But me, I was fascinated! Out of fearful curiosity, I
went closer and …

DeA: Will you get to the point!

BIBI: Alright then. It was Dennis. He was … he was killed!

DeM: What?

31
BIBI: He had a deep knife wound on his neck and …

DeF: What did you do afterwards?

BIBI: I ran straight home and told Mommy. We left the home immediately.

DeA: Gosh! Tami went half-crazy!!

DeM: Oh my God! Our son!!!!!! O God!!!

DeF: Who would kill my only child like that?

DeM: Where is he now?

DeA: Tami’s with him now, at the place where he was killed.

DeF: I’ll … I’ll go and call the hospital. Damn!! [exits]

DeM: Oh my God! Sister, my only child is gone!

DeA: Calm down. I know it’s a big loss, but calm down.

DeM: How can I? How can I? I just can’t! Dennis is gone forever, and you tell
me to calm down? Oh!

DeF: [enters] Will you calm down, Mama Dennis!! Your son is gone now.
You can’t bring him back again.

DeM: Are you sure you called the hospital or any hospital?

DeF: Why are you asking me this stupid question?

DeM: Because you are the one who is stupid, Papa Dennis. He is our son. You
raised him. I delivered him. He was our responsibility. You should have
watched over him.

DeF: Me? You mean me? You mean I should leave my civil service and start
to spy on my son?

DeM: Why is he your son now? I thought he was my son.

BIBI: Oh please! Dennis is dead. Dennis is gone. Arguing over him will not
bring him back.

32
DeA: My daughter is right. At least, she can no longer emulate him.

BIBI: Mummy, forget about me and let all of us go. [Exeunt all]

Epilogue
DeF: Wow! What a bundle of joy you’re carrying there, my wife!

DeM: She’s wonderful, isn’t she?

DeF: When I watched her come out of you, I sure was a proud dad. This time,
I am going to work very hard, darling. Our daughter is a bundle of joy
who will bring unto us bundles of joy.

DeM: But, just a few years back, you were proud of boys. Why did you change
your mind?

DeF: You know why. After all that Dennis …

DeM: I know now, dear. Let us not mention it again.

DeF: Anyway, I’ve learnt my lesson. You know, months after Dennis’s
funeral, I never thought we could ever have children again.

DeM: But now, we do.

DeF: And this time, I swear I will work extremely hard, dear. Our little girl
will be a product of good environment.

DeM: Yes, she certainly will be.

DeF: Come, my dear. Let’s go and celebrate. [Exeunt all]

DENNIS: [enters] There goes my little sister. And here I am, resurrected
after three days. Ha! I want to know, am I really dead? It’s funny,
though, that you all are seeing me. Well, anyway, my beloved
cousin has now gone to the church. To the limit! No turning back.
Hunter has never stopped hunting, Killer has never stopped killing,
Danger has never stopped endangering, Waster has never stopped
wasting. And Andy? Andrew don check out, o! Say what? – You
know, I was much of a dog as Andy is. But not anymore. And

33
Tami? Well, she still loves me. And I the same. And I will
always love you – Tami. Well, let me go and rest-in-peace. [exits]

THE
END

34