elaborate hand signals, winks, and sideways glances. In the back rooms, behind two-way mirrors, they will snicker at your portion of sesame chicken. They will put yourname on a list. They will post your picture. And if things somehow go horribly wrong,and you break the trust of the Buffet you may be charged extra for uneaten portions.
One trip to the Buffet is unacceptable. Upon uttering the words, "I'll do the Buffet,"you have tacitly agreed to an unwritten social contract that obligates you to eat morefood at one sitting than you would normally consume in an entire day. This is non-negotiable. This is America. One-trippers are violating the Buffet contract whichrequires you to eat until you are sick and your belly bulges out round and hard like ahoneydew melon. If you have a question about whether you have fulfilled your buffetcontract, chances are you have not. If questions remain, you should thump your bellywith a fork-handle to test. It should make a solid
sound and bounce easily.You should also understand that this alone does not constitute a necessary andsufficient condition of contractual compliance. You should also understand thatfailure to comply with the buffet contract³or more brazen efforts to flout the rules³ result not simply in dire consequences for the individual involved but also for ourentire society. One-trippers tear at the very fabric of our union and threaten valuesthat many of us hold dear³things like gluttony, excess, indulgence, and fried stuff.One-trippers are, quite simply, un-American.
Thou shalt not purge. You may feel sick, bloated, and dirty after
the Buffet;but you may not vomit. This is unacceptable. At home, you may feel the need topurge and bathe. Relax. This is normal. You are not alone. If you feel you must, goahead and shower with hot water and a harsh soap. But DO NOT PURGE. This isconsidered failure of the worst kind, one of those culturally offensive failures fromwhich you can·t recover easily. Should you commit the sin of vomit, you will bemocked ruthlessly and may be excluded from any future Buffet doing. Do not beafraid. One thing
been found to ease the post-buffet pain; but its soothing affectsare somewhat fleeting and temporary. If you make the consonant sound, "Bu, Bu,