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Published by: outdash2 on Sep 15, 2010
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Sound Advice:
An Introduction to Navigating
the Dating Process

By:
Rabbi Yosef Kalinsky, LMSW
rabbikalinsky@gmail.com
© 2010
2

INTRODUCTION:...............................................................................................................5 CHAPTER 1:......................................................................................................................7 “STARTING THINGS OFF ON THE RIGHT FOOT”....................................................................7

When to Begin..............................................................................................................................................................7

Finding a Date...............................................................................................................................................................8 A.Shadc han..............................................................................................................................................................8 B. Friends and Family...............................................................................................................................................9 C. Single vs. Married Friends..................................................................................................................................10 D. Dating Websites.................................................................................................................................................10

What to look for in a date:.........................................................................................................................................11 Preparing in Advance:............................................................................................................................................11 Four Plus Four = One..............................................................................................................................................12 Goals and Aspirations............................................................................................................................................13

Learning How to Choose.............................................................................................................................................14

How to effectively use aShadc ha n or GoBetween..................................................................................................15 A. Before Dates:.....................................................................................................................................................15 B. After Dates:........................................................................................................................................................15

CHAPTER 2:....................................................................................................................17
HOW TO PROGRESS IN THE DATING PROCESS / A ROADMAP TO A HEALTHY
RELATIONSHIP................................................................................................................17

Creating an emotional bond.......................................................................................................................................20 Talking between dates, don’t leave things hanging: Finding things to talk about...................................................21 Shabbos meals together:............................................................................................................................................22 Moving things along: Vulnerability versus Caution...................................................................................................24 “Looking past” and “looking back”............................................................................................................................27 How to end a relationship:.........................................................................................................................................29

CHAPTER 3:....................................................................................................................30
ENGAGEMENT................................................................................................................30
How do you know if you are ready to get engaged?.................................................................................................30
3
But I am not excited?..................................................................................................................................................31
But I am not sure?.......................................................................................................................................................31
ENGAGEMENT PERIOD....................................................................................................33

“Why am I so nervous?” – Pre and postengagement jitters....................................................................................33 Premarital Counseling................................................................................................................................................34 Prenuptials..................................................................................................................................................................34 Chosson and Kallah Classes........................................................................................................................................34

CHAPTER 4:....................................................................................................................36
ASSORTED POINTS TO PONDER........................................................................................36

(4:1) First phone calls:.................................................................................................................................................36 (4:2) Why to say “yes” after the first date.................................................................................................................36 (4:3) But the emotions are not there?.......................................................................................................................38 (4:4) Dating more than one person simultaneously..................................................................................................40 (4:5) List of names – Why have them?.......................................................................................................................42 (4:6) “ROLE PLAY”: The role of the parent and friend..............................................................................................42 (4:7) Location – where to date and where not to date.............................................................................................45 (4:8) Singles’ Events – the positives and negatives...................................................................................................45 (4:9) The Age Old Question........................................................................................................................................48 (4:10) Why don’t you become aShadchan/Matchmaker?.......................................................................................49

CONCLUSION:.................................................................................................................51 APPENDIX:......................................................................................................................53 FRIENDSHIP MAP OPENENDED QUESTIONS.....................................................................53

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