August 24

Tomorrow school starts. I'm extremely nervous. I have hard classes and hope that my teachers
will work with me. I'm probably freaking my baby out. I want to be able to go to school so that
I after I have her I can have more things done with in case I keep her. I want my baby so bad! I
want to hold her and most of all I want her to love me and call me mother. I hope I don't into
labor at school.

September 13

Why in the world do girls have to have the babies? Boys get the easy part. They get to go out
and do whatever they want while the woman is stuck at home because she's pregnant! Matt told
me that he won't go on any dates with girls for nine months. That he'll be there if I ever need
him. LIES!!! Labor Day weekend: He decides to go to Pine top. He's up there with lots of girls!!
This is just so unfair that I sit at home every weekend because I am 6 months pregnant.
Another thing that makes me mad is that none of his friends know that he is having a kid, so he
gets to go do whatever he wants! I have never felt more used in my life! It is a sharp knife
whenever I think of the words he used to tell me goodbye...I don't love you; it was all just for
fun! That man has never been here for me through this whole thing.

September 20

Last night I had a dream I was holding a baby girl. She was so precious, so clean, so pure, and
best of all she was mine. Then I passed her along to someone else; the mother who was going to
raise her for me. My heart stopped. My tears flowed. I wanted her to be mine and just mine.
Why did I have to hand over my precious girl to someone else? It hurt and it was only a dream.

September 21

MY STORY

I guess I didn't really start writing in my blog until after I found the adoptive family. Before
finding a family, your alone, you’re mad, sad, angry, just seriously every emotion possible is
running through your veins. You don't know what to do and honestly no one can help you. It is
a scary process that you and only you can go through. When I first found out I was pregnant, I
felt way more attached to Matt than ever before. I wanted to be with him forever and work
everything out. We were having a baby! The father had other plans though and so getting over
that was the hardest thing to face. I just wanted to get married and keep my little girl forever.
Matt told me he wanted the baby to be put up for adoption. When he presented the idea, I wasn't
totally against it. I mean its better then abortion, right? Then after a day of thinking about it I
was hit with WAIT THIS IS MY BABY! MY BABY! How could I dare give MY BABY to
some stranger to raise it!?!? How could he want to give our child up for adoption!? Obviously
he doesn't love her. He would try and marry me and work things out so that we could keep her
if he loved her. My heart broke every day of my life as I was dealing with this. The only person
that knew I was pregnant was my best friend. I eventually had to tell my coach because I was
missing practices and everyone was getting mad at me. It was hard to tell her. Then the person I
dreading telling the most was going to have to find out.... my mom. We had been getting along
a lot better than before and I didn't want her to know what a horrible daughter I had been. So I
invited her to the bishop’s office with me that night for him to tell her because I just couldn't
bare it. When he told her my heart sank, the tears came; I couldn't look at her. I was
embarrassed, scared, sad, and lonely. I didn't want my dad to know because I thought it might
kill him, so I told her not to tell him yet. Afterwards I went over to Matt's house. While we were
watching a movie I got a phone call telling me that my mom told my dad and he wanted me to
go home. I was so scared. I told them I wanted to sleep at Matt's and I wasn't coming home.
Then my dad called almost in tears begging me to go home. I was so sad that I hurt them. I
seem to always know how to push away the people I love most.

I started getting sick; people started finding out. Church was really hard to go to. Even though
people didn't really know, it was the fact that I knew I was dirty and I didn't want to be in such a
perfect place. Then I finally decided after going back & forth and crying myself to sleep at night
and all the trips to the temple that my baby was not mine and should be given to someone who
could give her more then I could. Like a dad that loved her and a temple marriage. I wanted her
to be sealed and have an eternal family. I know that the choice I made was right. Is it easy..?
NO. Is it right and will the Lord help me? I sure hope so :)

September 30

So last night Matt called me to talk and see how I was doing. I wanted to tell him that he is not
being supportive, that he has no idea how many nights I lay in bed and cry, and that I miss the
baby so much already. I need a friend right now more than anything and he just doesn't see that
because he's not here. He then told me that no one in his ward knows. None of his roommates
know. I'm stuck with EVERY single person I know knowing and he can just brush it off. This
is SO NOT FAIR! Why?! Why can't I not "show" and just hide it so no one will see?! An old
friend of the family called my mom today and said how she just cried when then found out. It
breaks my heart that all these people who have loved me for so long and cared for me are crying
because of my mistake. I want to take it back. I never knew how many people I would effect
when this happened.

October 11
I'm 31 weeks tomorrow and in pain! I woke up this morning with my back hurting so badly! I
heard bloody noses were common during pregnancy. I hope that this is true because my nose
bled for a long time last night. My mouth is always dry. I can never drink enough water. Little
one in me moves a million times which leaves me waking up in the middle of the night and
readjusting. They say to sleep on your left side, but she likes my right side better so switch
every time I wake up.

October 14

Still in pain. My stomach is just STRETCHING like no other! I think I got some pre-
contractions the other night that hurt like a mother. I'm not excited for labor at all. So Matt
texted me the other day and said "How's our little girl doing" and can I just say it felt like a
bullet was going through my heart. Why does he have to say it like that? I mean it’s good he's
finally taking ownership of the child, but how he worded it just made me cry! I just want him to
want her and be with her and me forever! I want to be his wife more than anything and can't
stand him not being there.

October 16

A want to slap Matt! I am hurting and miss him. Why did he have to use me? My sister made it
very clear tonight that I sold my body! I was only used for sex. I hate him and this. I want to
slap him across the face and tell him thanks for using me. He hurt me!

Nov. 6

My Halloween night was spent playing cards with my neighbor friend and my mommy. Great,
huh?

November 21

Yesterday Matt and I went out to lunch. We went to this place in Scottsdale and walked around
some outside boutique shops. Everywhere I go I always get "oh when are you due" and then I
say Dec 12. They always say oh that's so soon! Good luck. I think it was weird for Matt to be
there with me as I heard this. He would kind of turn his head like he wasn't listening. One
person stopped us and said it was going to be a beautiful baby and we should be very happy for
this new adventure. He smiled and said thank you. I said we were very excited for our little girl
to come into this world. I wish he was excited for it. I wish he understood how hard this is for
me. Lately all my friends have been asking if I am nervous for labor... I say extremely. Then
they seem to always ask about if I’m nervous for the handing over part. To be honest I'm trying
not to think about it. It scares me, but probably not as much as labor does. I think that it is going
to be hard. Writing about it is making me think about it and now I'm getting way nervous. Can I
do it?

December 6

She's here... then gone...

I had my baby on Dec. 2 at 3:01 pm. She weighed 8lbs 12 oz. I signed my papers to give her up
for adoption on Saturday Dec. 5, 2009 promptly at 4:00pm. I held her in my arms and wished I
could hold her for eternity, but I let her go because I love her more than anything in the world. I
miss her so much.

December 7

Henslee's first rainy day... I'm missing it :(

Henslee's first doctors apt... I missed it :(

Henslee is perfectly healthy the doctor says

My baby is perfect and I'm not there to see...

Dec 10

Numb

I never knew what it was like to just not care about anything until now. I pray at night for
Heavenly Father to take me because I feel like I have completed my life. I can't handle anymore
heart ache.

Dec 23

I love my baby, I miss my baby... My mom told me that she was not mine and I needed to
accept it. I started balling and had a break down. She is mine. She has my DNA! How can she
not be mine? She is my world, yet she is gone. She is all I think about, yet she is gone, life is
worthless...

January 21
I hate my life and wish I was dead. School started this week and I have no motivation what so
ever. There is not one thing in this world that can keep me going. For some reason I have not
killed myself. I would like to very much, but know that it will not help because then I would
have to confront my friends and family up there and say I failed. I cry every time I get in my car
by myself because I like to hide my feelings from the world

I saw my baby the last night and she is beautiful, but she looks like the man that didn't want her;
the man that left her and me. When I look at her it kills me to see him in her. I wanted him; I
wanted her. I pray still every night that the Lord will just take me so I don't have to wake up the
next morning in pain. But I’m still here wishing I wasn't.

May 2

Today was the first day in almost 4 years that I partook of the sacrament and bore my
testimony!!! Life feels right!! I am so happy.

August 1

I have been dating this boy and we are getting serious. He has known about Henslee from day
one and when he speaks about her my heart melts. She has never been an issue and never will
be an issue, but this past week I have had to deal with his family finding out. It has been hard on
me to realize how many lives this has affected and will be affected forever. It hurts to see him
talk to his family about it because they just don't understand. They talk to him about how he
needs to be careful because he is a return missionary and wants to get married in the temple and
how dating me he needs to set boundaries and stuff. I am thankful for all that information and I
am glad that they care, but then again I also feel like they are saying this stuff because they
know I have had issues in the past with the law of chastity. I feel like all they see is the fact that
I had sex. I don't want to be judged for what I did. I want them to see me for who I am not what
I did.