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iue 10, epiphany 2010
 
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 NEWs IN BRIEfMOsTLY HARMLEss10 - EPIPHANY 2010
IN THIs IssUE...
DUS INVITES TALIBAN TOSPEAK, SEE PAGE 13.RSPCA INVESTIGATES DUCK NAKED CALENDAR SHOOTHUNG DEBATE OVER SHARIALAWDAILY EXPRESS EXCLUSIVE!DIANA’S LAST WORDS: ‘DODI,I THINK WE’RE MOVING TOOFAST’
PROfEssOR REGAN Is AMAZING
MH can ofcially conrm Professor Regan is one of the nicest guys around.With his stunning knowledge, inspiredinsight, and astounding dedication to theEnglish department; he is by far the mosttalented and approachable lecturer, and probably the best thing to ever happen toDurham university. In other news, MH’seditor is still one signatory short for hisMA application.
DSU ENVIRONMENTALOFFICER: “GUM DON’T KILLPEOPLE, WRAPPERS DO”
Last night, in a shock move, theEnvironmental Ofcer for DurhamStudent Union spoke out againstgovernment plans to introduce a £100on-the-spot ne for those caughtdropping chewing gum on the street.Ivor Herb, speaking from his allotmenton Church Street, claimed the legislationdid not go far enough. “If we don’tinclude wrappers in this proposal, we aregoing to nd ourselves in a really stickysituation.” Despite gum-crime in the North-East being at its highest level for several decades, the DSU still ofciallydefends its students’ right to chews.
NICK CLEGG sAYs
WORDS
Following Palatinate’s scoop on Nick Clegg’s liberal tendencies,MH can reveal he has also saidmany, many words in his lifetime. Not only does he want world peaceand lower taxes, but he also stronglyopposes unemployment and peoplefeeling sad. He has yet to declare hisviews on cancer research.
DURHAM NUS DELEGATETEARS UP CV
“I failed three summatives campaigningfor that position. How am I meant to geta summer internship now? I’m going tohave to relaunch a student newspaper or something.
”
NEW AIRPORT BODY SCANNERS - MASSIVE
COCK UP!
In another blow to the expansion of  body scanners in airports, MostlyHarmless can conrm a massivecock up at Manchester airport. Theevent, which witnesses claim wasat “around 9 or 10” grew rapidly,arousing suspicion from onlookers before climaxing. A security worker came prematurely, taking several people by surprise. This news followsclaims of prior disappointments,leading to mounting pressure fromseveral parties. “The growth of thisscheme relied on erected scanners performing well, and it has becomeapparent that they fail at the criticalmoment”, said a lucky spokesman.MH will be watching intently as thisstory expands.
CALLs fOR TIGHTERCONTROL ONPORNOGRAPHY 
Two new Bills were introduced inParliament on Thursday, further limitingwhat can be shown in pornographicmaterial. The rst outlaws torture andsome forms of bondage, with the secondextending bestiality to cover deceasedanimals. Calls for these two Acts to be combined have been dismissed asogging a dead horse.
MITIGATINGCIRCUMsTANCEs CLAIM
REJECTED
Simon Copath, who earlier in theterm murdered his entire familyin an attempt to claim mitigatingcircumstances on a particularlyweak essay on 18th century diningetiquette, has had his claim rejected.In a written statement, the committeesaid that Simon’s circumstanceswere not, in fact, mitigating, butmerely ‘discommodious’.
Durham’s most loved
Face of an anthropologist
About this big...
 
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NEWs IN BRIEfMOsTLY HARMLEss10 - EPIPHANY 2010
JOHN’S STUDENTLEAVES COUNTRY AMIDDRUGS SCANDAL
Richard Alton was set to y to Spainlast Sunday to continue his year abroad. He was said to be “reallylooking forward to it”.In other news, Peter Doherty isonce again due in court this week onsuspicion of possessing controlledsubstances.
LICHTENsTEINCLAIMs “WHOLE Of
EUROPE”
Following Argentina’s recentsubmission of territorial claims inthe Southern Atlantic at the UN,Lichtenstein has announced plans toannex the vast majority of WesternEurope, citing “an old map in theCabinet secretary’s bureau”. Theforeign secretary, Lan Grabimanwas quoted as saying “that’ll showthose dirty Germans.”
SAUDIS PASS ANTI-
fRENCH LAW
Saudia Arabia has announced a popular new law banning berets and baguettes from the Kingdom. The bill, due to be signed into law byKing Abdullah this week, includesmeasures to restrict garlic importsand bans stripy tops and constantlysurrendering. The legislation isaimed at counteracting what Saudinationalists are calling the “insidiousFrenchication of the country.”
BLACK ON BLACK 
VIOLENCE INCREASES
BY 200%
A ght erupted on the Bailey lastnight, resulting in broken windowsand criminal damage. The altercationis believed to have stemmed froma heated debate over the relativemerits of Michael Jordan. Bothsuspects have been released on bail.
SAVE RIVERSIDE
MOTHERf**KER
The recent announcement of the possibleclosure of Riverside Café has causeduproar among societies that use it as aregular meeting place. The Trampoliningsociety have been jumping up and downat the outrage, with the Army Cadets saidto be “up in arms”. The Karate societytold a MH reporter: “this is a real kick inthe teeth”, while the cooking society execare said to be boiling over. A meetingis to be held to address the response,which the university Non-Violent ProtestLeague has promised to sit in on.
DURHAM CITY OF CULTURE BID
DID WE MISS ANYTHING? CONTACT VISIT DURHAM AT: GRASPING@STRAWS.DURHAM.GOV.UK 
Manchester from spaceTrompe-l’oil
Motly Harmle Poll
What would you exchange for aKlute Gold card?Campus Card: 50%Right to Vote: 99%
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