NEWs IN BRIEfMOsTLY HARMLEss10 - EPIPHANY 2010
IN THIs IssUE...
DUS INVITES TALIBAN TOSPEAK, SEE PAGE 13.RSPCA INVESTIGATES DUCK NAKED CALENDAR SHOOTHUNG DEBATE OVER SHARIALAWDAILY EXPRESS EXCLUSIVE!DIANA’S LAST WORDS: ‘DODI,I THINK WE’RE MOVING TOOFAST’
PROfEssOR REGAN Is AMAZING
MH can ofcially conrm Professor Regan is one of the nicest guys around.With his stunning knowledge, inspiredinsight, and astounding dedication to theEnglish department; he is by far the mosttalented and approachable lecturer, and probably the best thing to ever happen toDurham university. In other news, MH’seditor is still one signatory short for hisMA application.
DSU ENVIRONMENTALOFFICER: “GUM DON’T KILLPEOPLE, WRAPPERS DO”
Last night, in a shock move, theEnvironmental Ofcer for DurhamStudent Union spoke out againstgovernment plans to introduce a £100on-the-spot ne for those caughtdropping chewing gum on the street.Ivor Herb, speaking from his allotmenton Church Street, claimed the legislationdid not go far enough. “If we don’tinclude wrappers in this proposal, we aregoing to nd ourselves in a really stickysituation.” Despite gum-crime in the North-East being at its highest level for several decades, the DSU still ofciallydefends its students’ right to chews.
NICK CLEGG sAYs
Following Palatinate’s scoop on Nick Clegg’s liberal tendencies,MH can reveal he has also saidmany, many words in his lifetime. Not only does he want world peaceand lower taxes, but he also stronglyopposes unemployment and peoplefeeling sad. He has yet to declare hisviews on cancer research.
DURHAM NUS DELEGATETEARS UP CV
“I failed three summatives campaigningfor that position. How am I meant to geta summer internship now? I’m going tohave to relaunch a student newspaper or something.
NEW AIRPORT BODY SCANNERS - MASSIVE
In another blow to the expansion of body scanners in airports, MostlyHarmless can conrm a massivecock up at Manchester airport. Theevent, which witnesses claim wasat “around 9 or 10” grew rapidly,arousing suspicion from onlookers before climaxing. A security worker came prematurely, taking several people by surprise. This news followsclaims of prior disappointments,leading to mounting pressure fromseveral parties. “The growth of thisscheme relied on erected scanners performing well, and it has becomeapparent that they fail at the criticalmoment”, said a lucky spokesman.MH will be watching intently as thisstory expands.
CALLs fOR TIGHTERCONTROL ONPORNOGRAPHY
Two new Bills were introduced inParliament on Thursday, further limitingwhat can be shown in pornographicmaterial. The rst outlaws torture andsome forms of bondage, with the secondextending bestiality to cover deceasedanimals. Calls for these two Acts to be combined have been dismissed asogging a dead horse.
Simon Copath, who earlier in theterm murdered his entire familyin an attempt to claim mitigatingcircumstances on a particularlyweak essay on 18th century diningetiquette, has had his claim rejected.In a written statement, the committeesaid that Simon’s circumstanceswere not, in fact, mitigating, butmerely ‘discommodious’.
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