from roadside zombiesTM which is a humorous look at the fascinations of everyday life

Teenager + suburb identity crises

H. CHRISTINE RICHARDS

What a way to start a Monday. Stuck in traffic. And this wasn’t just good old stop-and-go traffic, but
stop-and-go-in-the-vicinity-of-a-coffin-hauling-truck traffic. For some reason, watching a truck
loaded down with concrete vaults merrily delivering eternal resting chambers for value-conscious
dead folks makes traffic just a smidge worse.

Besides watching the truck and wondering if the vaults already had dead people in them, (good
horror movie scene right there) I also had time to observe many other fascinating things in painstak-
ing detail, like overpasses. Yes, overpasses. Remember, I’m the kind of person who likes to photo-
graph overly creative hair salon names and explore abandoned malls. Given these likes, it’s logical
that I would like overpasses—and not just for their engineering feats.

The reason I like overpasses—particularly in metropolitan areas—is that they demonstrate how
suburbs can be like annoying teenagers: both seem to go through identity crises. For teenagers, it
may be coloring their hair or piercing various body parts. For cities, it is finding every way they can to
color and pierce city infrastructure. Here are just a few examples of the many ways suburbs try to
break away from the metropolitan family.

Bridges

As the coffin truck and I slogged through a relatively short stretch of highway, we managed to pass
through four cities: Broomfield, Westminster, Superior and Louisville. The only way I knew I was
passing through them was not by their quaint downtown, charming streetscapes or high-density
development, but because of elaborately decorated overpasses that proudly announced you were on
their turf now, man. Intricate stonework, plenty of water-sucking landscapes, complex metal struc-
tures that I don’t think helped hold up the bridge in any way, instantly dated lighting that lights
seldom-used sidewalks, and last but certainly not least, a few signs that state the city name because
none of the other features would help in any way whatsoever with identifying the city. I was some-
what thankful they told me via flamboyant overpasses because the whole stretch of highway looked
the same. At the same time, I had to wonder, why does it matter that I know?

Traffic lights

During a coffin truck-free adventure, I

recently stopped through Phoenix,
Arizona. Now, I enjoy Phoenix, but
you gotta admit that it is just mile
after mile after mile of perfectly flat
roads with perfectly flat stucco-
encrusted homes. And yet there are
like 28 cities in the area. Yes, 28! I
know, I’m as shocked as you are. (for
those of you who aren’t good at

1 © 2010 by H. Christine Richards. All rights reserved

from roadside zombiesTM

detecting sarcasm, that was sarcasm since I know there’s no possible way you could be as shocked as I am)

Well, my hotel was in the city of Tempe, and Tempe went out of its way to make sure I knew I was in the
Tempe via its stoplights. Crazy, over-engineered 1980s rectangular traffic lights that proudly proclaimed
Tempe on them. Thank goodness they told me I was in Tempe—it probably saved my life in some way.

Just plain old signs—everywhere

Even with the suburban graffiti covering a variety of infrastructure, suburbs still depend on good old signs
to mark their territory. However, given the often amoeba-like borders of cities, it’s a sure bet you can’t
drive through the suburbs without seeing at least 10 different city signs. Sometimes there are multiple city
signs at a single intersection! I know, it’s crazy! (sarcasm again) It’s like an election year all the time with
so many signs thrown up all over the place. And, again, does it really matter that I am in Suburb X versus
Suburb Y for 500 feet?

Whatever weapon suburbs use in their city identification techniques, it just always makes me wonder what
motivated the city to spend taxpayer money to do these sorts of things? City pride? Competition? Perhaps
they are advertising the city and saying “hey come live here, we have a cooler looking bridge than that other
podunk suburb the next bridge over.” Although, my cynical mind can really see people making decisions
about whether to live in a city or locate their business there based entirely upon how well a city does its
bridges. In fact, I would encourage more decisions be made that way.

Roadside zombie tip #43: Helping suburbs through their identity crises

Be alert for the interesting, and sometimes excessive, ways cities try to identify themselves. Other silly
identifiers can include, for example, manhole covers, trash cans, fencing and corporate-looking logos.

If you love these sorts of city identifiers, write your city council and tell them that the sole reason you
moved to the community was the lovely highway bridge.

If you don’t like them, write to your city council and tell them the sole reason you’re leaving the city is
because you don’t like their bridge work. You found it very unwelcoming and offensive.

Tell all in-identity-crisis-teenagers that dyeing their hair fondly reminds you of cities labeling their
manhole covers, and how you can appreciate the similarities as both struggle to find who they are.

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2 © 2010 by H. Christine Richards. All rights reserved