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Ping Pong Murder or Suicide by David Arthur Walters

Ping Pong Murder or Suicide by David Arthur Walters

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Published by davidwalters
Meditation on the difference between murder and suicide, and between murderous thought and deed.
Meditation on the difference between murder and suicide, and between murderous thought and deed.

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Published by: davidwalters on Oct 02, 2010
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08/17/2011

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Ping Pong – Murder or Suicide? 
 
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PING PONG – MURDER OR SUICIDE?
 BYDAVID ARTHUR WALTERSFOR MANY YEARS I HAD SUFFERED the recurring nightmare: I was on the run, guilty of murder, I supposed, about to be apprehended and extradited to the execution chamber of someunknown state. What especially horrified me was that, although I was presumably guilty ascharged, I could not remember whom I killed and why, nor who was bringing the charges.I always remembered those nightmares, and I went about terribly anxious for days thereafter.And then, one night during the Kosovo bombings, I dreamt I was present for the secret burial of mass-murder victims. It was a grisly and gruesome dream, in vivid color, and included theunbearable stench of death. As usual, I felt convicted of the horrendous crime of murder. Thistime the victims were obvious, in various stages of decomposition, in fire-petrified rigor mortis,but I was still awfully nonplused.Why me? Just then an excuse appeared, a grisly scapegoat carrying a shovel. That explains it! Hedid it! But, of course! It was the gruesome gardener! Self-charged, I had finally cleared myself! Iawoke and sat upright, feeling greatly relieved. The long-standing mystery that had plagued mefor many years was finally solved. Yes, I mused thankfully, that was Death planting his seeds,perpetuating creative destruction by cultivating even more immediate reasons for bloodshed. Butthat is not my fault! Not in particular, anyway.So why had I felt guilty of murder in my dreams? Because I was a killer in the abstract, a thinkerof murderous thoughts while awake, thoughts to be avenged in dreams. Yes, I confess I have hadmurderous thoughts, thoughts that might be translated into deeds in novels and movies so othersmight commit them as vicariously as I have. Superstitious people give much credit to thought,equate the thought with the deed, evaluate themselves as evil and obsess over their negative self-appraisal; I am not that obsessive-compulsive, but I certainly felt guilty over what I had not done,at least not yet.For instance, when I saw what was happening to the hapless Kosovars at Serbian hands, my firstthought was to level Belgrade with a tactical nuclear weapon. To blame the Serb leader waspatent nonsense, I reflected, for he is only the epitome of the collective Serbian homicidal intent,the leader who is given the means to carry out, in the name of "the people", the barbaric murderand mayhem. Therefore, my logic came to its inevitable conclusion: Serbs deserve the ultimatewrath of the righteousness of the sky gods, the modern justice of nuclear holocaust, or, at thevery minimum, the massive carpet-bombing of the enemy population. To wit: destroy the Hydraand cauterize all the necks lest even more vicious heads spring from the monstrous carnage.Above all, in the manner of ancient gods who rule while hovering aloft, the crime against ourhumanity, the humanity now represented by our adopted Kosovars, must be avenged from theskies with thunderbolts. Godly hands must not be bloodied by a dirty ground war. For, stilltoday, gods can die along our reasons to live along among them as gods ourselves. But alas, once

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