How To Be Cool And Attractive

July 6th, 2007 · 92 Comments

“Do you know the old story about the Sun and the North Wind having a bet about which
one of them could get some guy to take his coat off? Well, the North Wind had a go and
blew his hardest, but the guy just clung to his coat with all his strength. But all the Sun
had to do was shine and the guy took off his coat because he was too hot. Truly ‘cool’
people shine a kind of calm control that everyone else secretly wants, and so they find it
attractive...”

“The Art of Being Cool and Attractive,” is a social skills method designed to help
develop an approach to others that will attract the right amount of the right kind of
positive attention.
It is an exerpt from an article in our Journal archive that I thought deserved a little more
attention.

The ‘art’ is contained in ten laws. How well do you follow them?

1. Learn to do with less attention than you would like at the moment

2. Do not compete with other people for attention

3. Say less than is necessary

4. Learn to behave well from those who don’t know how to

5. Do not ‘freeload’ or overstay your welcome

6. Never whine

7. Appear unhurried

8. Be different — but not too different

9. Appear not to want things you cannot have

10. Exercise courtesy and tact at all times.

Creating ‘cool’

Chris Dyas is a Human Givens Therapist working for a children’s charity which provides
help for children who have suffered severe abuse. He introduces the Art of Being Cool
and Attractive to the young people he works with in order to help them get their
emotional needs met in healthy ways. He has been applying the human givens approach
to his work for the past six years.
The 10 Essential Emotional Needs
We are all born with essential physical and emotional needs and the innate resources to
help us fulfil them – known as human ‘givens’ – which need to be met in order to
facilitate good mental health.

Following are the ten main innate emotional needs:

1) Security — safe territory and an environment which allows us to develop fully

2) Attention (to give and receive it) — a form of nutrition

3) Sense of autonomy and control — having volition to make responsible choices

4) Being emotionally connected to others

5) Feeling part of a wider community

6) Friendship, intimacy — to know that at least one other person accepts us totally for
who we are, “warts ‘n’ all”

7) Privacy — opportunity to reflect and consolidate experience

8 ) Sense of status within social groupings

9) Sense of competence and achievement

10) Having meaning and purpose — which comes from being stretched in what we do
and think.

Life is never 100 per cent perfect, but as long as our main essential needs are being met,
and our resources are being used well, we do not suffer mental health problems.
However, if just one of these needs is unmet, or our resources are being misused, it can
affect our mental health and well being.

Here is a list of the innate resources (also human givens) that we have to meet our
emotional needs.

• The ability to develop complex long term memory, which enables us to add to
our innate knowledge and learn
• The ability to build rapport, empathise and connect with others
• Imagination, which enables us to focus our attention away from our emotions,
use language and problem solve more creatively and objectively
• A conscious, rational mind that can check out emotions, question, analyse and
plan
 • The ability to ‘know’ — that is, understand the world unconsciously through
metaphorical pattern matching
• An observing self — that part of us that can step back, be more objective and be
aware of itself as a unique centre of awareness, apart from intellect, emotion and
conditioning
• A dreaming brain that preserves the integrity of our genetic inheritance every
night by metaphorically defusing expectations held in the autonomic arousal
system because they were not acted out the previous day.

To see how many of your emotional needs are being met, take the Emotional Needs
Audit.

What is the human givens approach?

Regardless of cultural differences, we are all born with innate emotional needs and the
resources needed to fulfil them (collectively these are termed the ‘human givens’). When
we are lonely our brain tells us we need stimulation and rapport so we seek out others,
when we get emotionally aroused our brain has the capability to rationalise and question
the validity of our state, when we feel listless and useless we can learn a new skill or
develop our existing talents in order to give us a valuable sense of meaning and being
stretched.

Just as it is difficult to think about quantum mechanics when you are dying for lunch,
when an environment is not conducive to fulfilling emotional needs, it is impossible to
move forwards intelligently and all too often we suffer mental distress and consistently
fail to fulfil our potential. Our emotional needs are just as important as our physical ones,
which is why if you put a healthy, well dressed, well fed child into a correctly heated and
well furnished classroom but don’t create for it the right amount of attention, autonomy,
meaning, feelings of connection into wider society, sense of status, security and feelings
of achievement, it will be virtually impossible for it to learn and develop.

This basic premise, whilst a fixture in many great ancient cultures, has been greatly
overlooked in western society today, leading to many of the problems that are endlessly
debated but seemingly impossible to remedy. Psychological schools are divided and
dogmatic, rates of depression and other life shattering disorders are rising just as fast as
our standard of living, our society is strangled by misdirected government targets, endless
amounts of red tape, straight line thinking and form filling. It is obvious to intelligent
people that our institutions are sick and that something must be done.

The human givens approach offers a realistic way of how everyone can actually do
something to help, using a basic organising idea that is so simple, most people have taken
it for granted and forgotten about it. Drawing on scientific findings gathered in the last
few decades, it offers explanations of how human being function, why we dream, how
depression is not a chemical imbalance and can be cured, how to treat and cure
posttraumatic stress disorder, phobias, addiction and anxiety disorders, and how to audit
organisations to make sure emotional needs are being met and the company is working to
its potential.

Eleanor works for MindFields College, the only specialist brief psychology school in the
UK teaching from the human givens approach.

Related Link For Depression

http://www.lift-depression.com/lift-depression/what-to-do-now/
Personality Development
Personality development is one of the most important tasks of one’s life which doesn’t
want effort but determination and confidence in you. The personality is something which
can leave ones impression in the mind of other people and if it is not good then you are
nothing according to some experts, the human personality id the sum total of ways in
which an individual react and interacts with others or we can say it is the result of all
decisions we made in our life. Thus personality needs to be perfect and for that few tips
are given for you which can help you in building up your personality.

• Self confidence is a great quality of a good personality and being confident of

your actions and decisions makes you strong in making any decision and if you
lack this quality you can never be a successful person.
• You must have strong hold on your emotions and you must organize your mind
meaning you must take the complete charge of your thoughts emotions and
imagination and thus control your reactions on anything. Thus try to be practical
rather than emotional and your work will be systematic.
• For a perfect personality three things counts the most and they are loyalty,
truthfulness and honesty and try to remember this fact that ditching someone can
never ever give you a long lasting success.
• Try to take all of your decision yourself and don’t become an indecisive person
whose decisions have been taken from others.
• Physical personality matters the most so fist of all try to look good and maintain a
right posture of your body that means sit and stand straight and when you’ll look
good then automatically you’ll feel good about yourself.
• Sense of humor is also necessary for a good personality so don’t try to become
strick and serious all the times, there must be some space for fun in your life as
it’s also good for your personality.
• Try to overcome your fears and worries because they make ones personality weak
and less attractive.
• Be a good speaker because the personality can be judged from the way of
speaking of some person. Don’t get too loud while you are talking and try to talk
to the point.

These were some of the personality development tips which can really prove to be
affective for you if you want to have a good personality.

ow to Win Friends and Influence People

( Guidelines from Dale Carnegie's " How to win friends and influence people" )

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1. Don't criticize, condemn or complain.

2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Six ways to make people like you

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.

2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most
important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

Win people to your way of thinking

1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

2. Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4. Begin in a friendly way.
5. Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
9. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
10. Appeal to the nobler motives.
11. Dramatize your ideas.
12. Throw down a challenge.

Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing

Resentment

A leader's job often includes changing your people's attitudes and behavior. Some
suggestions to accomplish this:

1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

2. Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5. Let the other person save face.
6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty
in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Personality Development

Personality Development quintessentially means enhancing and grooming one’s outer

and inner self to bring about a positive change to your life. Each individual has a distinct
persona that can be developed, polished and refined. This process includes boosting one’s
confidence, improving communication and language speaking abilities, widening ones
scope of knowledge, developing certain hobbies or skills, learning fine etiquettes and
manners, adding style and grace to the way one looks, talks and walks and overall
imbibing oneself with positivity, liveliness and peace.

The whole process of this development takes place over a period of time. Even though
there are many crash courses in personality development that are made available to
people of all age groups, implementing this to your routine and bringing about a positive
change in oneself takes a considerable amount of time. It is not necessary to join a
personality development course; one can take a few tips and develop his or her own aura
or charm.

• You may have heard this a million times “Think Positive”. It works.
• Smile. And smile some more. It adds to your face value and to your personality as
well.
• Read a few articles in the newspaper loudly. This will help in communicating
fluently.
• Follow table manners and dining etiquettes
• Take good care of your health, dress well, be neat and organized
• Prepare a chart that mentions your strengths and weaknesses. Now concentrate on
the latter and find ways to improve upon the same. Do not forget to strengthen
your strengths.
• Spend some time alone concentrating on you and yourself alone.
• Practice meditation and yoga. It will help you develop inner peace and harmony
that will reflect outside.
• Do not live a monotonous life. Be creative and do something new all the time.
Nothing bigger than the joy of creative satisfaction.
•

Personality development is gaining more and more importance because it enables people
to create a good impression about themselves on others; it helps them to build and
develop relationships, helps in your career growth and also helps to improve your
financial needs.
After all, personality development is nothing but a tool that helps you realize your
capabilities and your strengths making you a stronger, a happier and a cheerful person.