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How to b Cool and Attractive

How to b Cool and Attractive

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Published by binodgm

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Published by: binodgm on Oct 13, 2010
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How To Be Cool And Attractive
July 6th, 2007 ·92 Comments
“Do you know the old story about the Sun and the North Wind having a bet about whichone of them could get some guy to take his coat off? Well, the North Wind had a go and blew his hardest, but the guy just clung to his coat with all his strength. But all the Sunhad to do was shine and the guy took off his coat because he was too hot. Truly ‘cool’  people shine a kind of calm control that everyone else secretly wants, and so they find it attractive...”
“The Art of Being Cool and Attractive,” is a social skills method designed to helpdevelop an approach to others that will attract the right amount of the right kind of  positive attention.It is an exerpt from an article in our Journal archive that I thought deserved a little moreattention.
The ‘art’ is contained in ten laws. How well do you follow them?
1. Learn to do with lessattentionthan you would like at the moment2. Do not compete with other people for  attention3. Say less than is necessary4. Learn to behave well from those who don’t know how to5. Do not ‘freeload’ or overstay your welcome6. Never whine7. Appear unhurried8. Be different — but not too different9. Appear not to want things you cannot have10. Exercise courtesy and tact at all times.
Creating ‘cool’
Chris Dyas is a Human Givens Therapist working for a children’s charity which provideshelp for children who have suffered severe abuse. He introduces the Art of Being Cooland Attractive to the young people he works with in order to help them get their emotional needs met in healthy ways. He has been applying the human givens approachto his work for the past six years.
The 10 Essential Emotional Needs
We are all born with essential physical and emotional needs and the innate resources tohelp us fulfil them – known ashuman ‘givens’– which need to be met in order tofacilitate good mental health.Following are the ten main innate emotional needs:1)
 — safe territory and an environment which allows us to develop fully2)
(to give and receive it) — a form of nutrition3)
Sense of autonomy and control
 — having volition to make responsible choices4)
Being emotionally connected to others
5) Feeling
part of a wider community
Friendship, intimacy
— to know that at least one other person accepts us totally for who we are, “warts ‘n’ all”7)
— opportunity to reflect and consolidate experience8 ) Sense of 
within social groupings9) Sense of 
competence and achievement
Having meaning and purpose
 — which comes from being stretched in what we doand think.Life is never 100 per cent perfect, but as long as our main essential needs are being met,and our resources are being used well, we do not suffer mental health problems.However, if just one of these needs is unmet, or our resources are being misused, it canaffect our mental health and well being.Here is a list of the innate resources (also human givens) that we have to meet our emotional needs.
The ability to develop complex
long term memory
, which enables us to add toour innate knowledge and learn
The ability to
build rapport, empathise and connect with others
, which enables us to focus our attention away from our emotions,use language and problem solve more creatively and objectively
conscious, rational mind
that can check out emotions, question, analyse and plan
The ability to ‘know’ — that is,
understand the world unconsciously throughmetaphorical pattern matching
An observing self 
— that part of us that can step back, be more objective and beaware of itself as a unique centre of awareness, apart from intellect, emotion andconditioning
A dreaming brain
that preserves the integrity of our genetic inheritance everynight by metaphorically defusing expectations held in the autonomic arousalsystem because they were not acted out the previous day.To see how many of your emotional needs are being met, take theEmotional NeedsAudit.
What is the human givens approach?
Regardless of cultural differences, we are all born with innate emotional needs and theresources needed to fulfil them (collectively these are termed the ‘human givens’). Whenwe are lonely our brain tells us we need stimulation and rapport so we seek out others,when we get emotionally aroused our brain has the capability to rationalise and questionthe validity of our state, when we feel listless and useless we can learn a new skill or develop our existing talents in order to give us a valuable sense of meaning and beingstretched.Just as it is difficult to think about quantum mechanics when you are dying for lunch,when an environment is not conducive to fulfilling emotional needs, it is impossible tomove forwards intelligently and all too often we suffer mental distress and consistentlyfail to fulfil our potential. Our emotional needs are just as important as our physical ones,which is why if you put a healthy, well dressed, well fed child into a correctly heated andwell furnished classroom but don’t create for it the right amount of attention, autonomy,meaning, feelings of connection into wider society, sense of status, security and feelingsof achievement, it will be virtually impossible for it to learn and develop.This basic premise, whilst a fixture in many great ancient cultures, has been greatlyoverlooked in western society today, leading to many of the problems that are endlesslydebated but seemingly impossible to remedy. Psychological schools are divided anddogmatic, rates of depression and other life shattering disorders are rising just as fast asour standard of living, our society is strangled by misdirected government targets, endlessamounts of red tape, straight line thinking and form filling. It is obvious to intelligent people that our institutions are sick and that something must be done.The human givens approach offers a realistic way of how everyone can actually dosomething to help, using a basic organising idea that is so simple, most people have takenit for granted and forgotten about it. Drawing on scientific findings gathered in the lastfew decades, it offers explanations of how human being function, why we dream, howdepression is not a chemical imbalance and can be cured, how to treat and cure

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