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Courthouse Excerpt from After Glow

Courthouse Excerpt from After Glow

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Published by Corbin Lewars
Excerpt from my memoir in progress After Glow
Excerpt from my memoir in progress After Glow

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Published by: Corbin Lewars on Oct 21, 2010
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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10/21/2010

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 After Glow 
/Lewars
Chapter 7Misty¶s spicy pork and strong margaritas helped me feel less rejected, but as she predicted my walls crumble again while filing for divorce at the courthouse.While filling out all of the divorce forms, I hadn¶t cried or even felt sentimental. Iwas too annoyed and frustrated that it was taking forty-nine pages of incomprehensiblelanguage and hours of my time to become unmarried when it took about ten seconds to become married. Shouldn¶t it be the other way around? And once again I cursed thatJason and I were filing pro se, because we couldn¶t afford lawyers. And by ³Jason and I´I mean me, because as my therapist reminded me, ³If you want it to happen, you¶re goingto have to do it.´So it¶s a surprise to me when I find myself bursting into tears as soon as my momshows up to babysit. ³I¶m getting divorced today,´ I cry to her.³I know,´ she says. She hugs me in a tight embrace and continues, ³But it¶s notover, it¶s just a shift. You and Jason will still be in relationship to one another, it will just be a different relationship.´I have taken solace in those thoughts many times, am even relieved to have theshift occur, so am surprised that I am still crying on my drive downtown. I know I wantto get divorced, I know it¶s the right thing for all of us, so why am I crying? Misty¶swords, ³The death of a dream,´ come back to me and I realize that¶s it. Yes, I think getting divorced is the right thing, but that doesn¶t mean that it¶s still not sad that mymarriage, and all of the hopes and dreams that went with it, is over.I put ³The line´ by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club on the car stereo and have agood cry. I listened to this song constantly when I was deciding to separate from Jason
 
 After Glow 
/Lewars
and always cried at the refrain, ³When did you stop caring?´ Because in order to separatefrom him, I had to start caring about myself, my needs, and my happiness more than his.He resists change at all costs, so although I believe we were both miserable, he wouldrather stay miserable than risk change. I, on the other hand, finally realized I couldn¶tmake him happy, nor could he me, so didn¶t want to spend another fifteen years trying.We were holding one another back from becoming who we really wanted to be and Icouldn¶t stand to do that to him, nor myself any longer.Once I¶ve listened to the song a half a dozen times, I park my car and fill themeter with an hour¶s worth of time. I look through my six-inch stack of papers to makesure I have every thing and walk to the courthouse. Four hours, and several trips to themeter later, I find myself crouching in the stairwell calling Double Trouble. Although Ihave only recently met him, when I think about who I can call that will be 100%available to me for ten minutes, who won¶t be distracted by kids or coworkers and whowill know what I need, because I didn¶t have a clue, I know it¶s him.He answers, thank god, and I start babbling, ³I¶m going to vomit. I¶ve been herefor hours, but am getting nowhere. They keep ushering me to office to office, yet I don¶tunderstand what they want from me. I almost fainted in the District Attorney¶s office andhad to rush out to call you«´³Corbin,´ he said in his soothing, rich voice. ³Listen to me. You¶re going to befine. Just take a deep breath and remember how strong you are and how far you havecome. You can do this.´³I can?´ I ask weakly. ³I¶m not so sure.´
 
 After Glow 
/Lewars
³Yes, you can because you are fierce and you want this. Remember the Kali storyI told you? Think of her.´³Tell me another goddess story,´ I say as I sit on the cold, concrete stairs. Hisvoice and sitting on the ground are helping to bring me back in my body. I checked outhours ago and went on auto-pilot. I stopped thinking for myself and merely listened andobeyed every clerk in this damn place. But every task they assigned to me has proven to be riddled with complications and setbacks. People I need signatures from are notavailable. Forms I filled out so carefully, are now outdated. And along with the six inchesof paperwork I have, I am told I need another two or three sets of forms. My, ³I¶ll justdrop all of this stuff off at the courthouse and be home in an hour,´ fantasy is crushed andalthough I am far from having all the work completed, I don¶t think I can stand to be hereone more minute.When I share this sentiment, he says, ³How many more offices are you supposedto go to?´³Two.´³And you¶ve already been to four, so you¶re almost done. You can do this.´I am not sure I believe him, but I don¶t want the day to be a total wash. I am far from my original proclamation of ³getting divorced,´ but I do have hope that I can havemy quick deed authorized so Jason¶s selling of the house to me can be documented.Although I doubted it would be possible, I was able to give him a large portion of our stocks as payment for his percentage of the house. Not only do I not have to sell it, as Ihad once feared, but it¶s now mine. And I want the papers to prove it.

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