Welcome to Scribd. Sign in or start your free trial to enjoy unlimited e-books, audiobooks & documents.Find out more
Standard view
Full view
of .
Look up keyword
Like this
0 of .
Results for:
No results containing your search query
P. 1
Simbioza-teorie Si Aplicatii

Simbioza-teorie Si Aplicatii

|Views: 289|Likes:
Published by forshytia

More info:

Published by: forshytia on Jul 21, 2008
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial


Read on Scribd mobile: iPhone, iPad and Android.
download as DOC, PDF, TXT or read online from Scribd
See more
See less





http://www.sex-and-relationships.com/psych6_1.htmlSex and relationships:
the psychology of relationships
Symbiosis is a concept which helps to explain one type of unhealthy relationship. The termsymbiosis comes from biology, where it is used to describe two organisms working togetherfor mutual benefit and, in the process, acting as one. (If you're a Star Trek fan, you'll knowall about symbiosis. The Trill are a "joined" species, where two organisms work together asone. They turned up in Star Trek New Generation and later on in Deep Space Nine.)The classical example of symbiosis is lichens, "plants" which grow on rocks or tree trunks.They build flat and often round colonies on bare stones, sometimes in beautiful colors likebright yellow or orange. Sometimes one can see them hanging off tree branches like beards.Lichens are "double-organisms". One part of them is an alga, which can produce foodthrough photosynthesis. However, it needs water to live and it wouldn't survive living onbare, exposed rock. The other part of lichen is a fungus. It can't produce food, becausefungi can't photosynthesize, but it is very tough and can protect the algae from dehydrationand other environmental dangers. The two organisms work as one and need each other tosurvive.
Psychologically, we use the term symbiosis in a similar way to describe a relationship wheretwo people function as one. However, in contrast to the biological term, it refers to arelationship pattern which is not healthy, since a couple is existentially two separate peoplewho need to be separate for both of them to be able to express their individuality anddifferent needs.
Symbiosis can best be explained with the use of theego state model. Picture two people.Both of them have three ego states, a parent ego state, an adult ego state and a child egostate. A healthy relationship can be described as one where both people can use all theirego states to relate to the other person. This means there is flexibility in the relationship.One person might be looking after the other for a while using their parent ego state whilethe other receives the care from a child ego state place. Then they go on to talk about dailyroutines, both using their adult ego states. And in the end, when matters are clarified, theymight go on to play with each other, both accessing their child ego states.
In a relationship with a symbiotic pattern, both people use only some of their ego states torelate to each other, resulting in less flexibility. It's as if both partners take on stable rolesand don't come out of them again. In symbiosis, two people function as if they only had oneset of ego states between them. For example, person A might use their parent ego state andadult ego state to relate to person B, who mostly uses his or her child ego state to relate toA. Between them they only have one parent, one adult and one child ego state that isactivated. This results in stable roles of A being the "carer" or the "responsible one", and Bgets to be looked after. The same pattern will also result in a power differential betweenboth partners. A gets to say what will happen, and B consents and follows. Or there might
be a pattern, where B normally gets his or her way by using child-like tactics such asemotional blackmail or tantrums.
Both partners lose out in this pattern. Person A often gets power and can feel needed (forsome people that will be part of theirscript), but they will miss out on being looked after orlooking after themselves properly, because they don't access their child ego state and don'tgo with what they need and want for themselves. Person A might also not get a lot of timeto play, but might always feel responsible for what is going on. Person B will get lookedafter, but that can also be experienced as belittling and not allowing person B to own theirown power and competency. Person B doesn't access his or her adult and parent ego statesand stays in a place of passive dependency.
The symbiotic pattern results in the classical set-up of a rescuer or caretaker and a needyand dependent partner in a relationship. It doesn't allow for flexibility or equality and itlimits both partners in their freedom to be themselves.
However, both partners may have an investment in keeping the symbiosis going. Symbioticrelationships can be extremely stable and feel like they are very close, because they don'tallow for difference. The roles are very predictable and therefore might feel very safe. Bothpartners know what's expected of them. Also, the roles in the symbiosis are learned inchildhood. Person A might have started to be an emotional carer for his or her parents,when he or she was still a small child. Staying with this role as an adult allows him or her tostay within theirscript. The same is true for person B. He or she might have learned that it'sbest to stay little and not take responsibility or want his or her own way and staying withinthis role in an adult relationship means they don't have to change and look at themselves.
The way out of symbiosis starts when you look at what your investment in it is. Do you needto be needed? Do you need to be in control to feel safe (like person A)? Or do you get scaredof being yourself or going out into the world? Or you may still have a lot of longing for beinga child left over from your childhood and instead of facing the grief over your lost childhoodyou might opt for becoming the dependent person in an adult relationship (like person B).Remember that both people miss out on some of their innate capacities: person A on lookingafter themselves and going for what's good for them, and person B on their own power andcompetence. Whichever role you tend to go for, start owning what you are missing out on.Person A needs to accept that they are only emotionally responsible for themselves, like anyother adult in this world. This may bring up a lot of issues for them, for example if beingneeded covers up a fear of being abandoned or a sense of not being good enough for theother person to stay around if they aren't looking after them. Person B needs to own andexpress their knowledge, competence and power in the world. He or she needs to takeresponsibility for their own emotional and physical well being.
If you want to know more about how symbiosis might influence your relationship look atApplications of symbiosis. Also, you will find more info on this under destructive relationshippatterns.
Sex and relationships:
the psychology of sex and relationshipsApplying the concept of Symbiosis
If you've read the chapter onsymbiosis in relationships, you might have decided whetherthis is a pattern which exists in your relationship or not. Also, think about which role youwould normally take, person A, who uses his or her adult and parent ego states, who is incharge and who becomes the "responsible one", or person B, who mostly accesses his or herchild ego state in the relationship and who gets to be looked after at the price of beingcontrolled.
Of course, you may not take the same roles in your life outside your relationship. Person Bmight be the boss at work and person A might find it easy to discuss his or her feelings andneeds with his/her friends. What's relevant here is what happens in your intimaterelationship.
Symbiosis means that there is a loss of flexibility and difference between two people. Youcan get it back by trying out new ways of relating. Person A needs to look after themselvesmore, but also give up control over person B and let him or her make their own decisions(even if you think they aren't very good ones - people need to learn from their ownmistakes. And who knows, your partner might just surprise you by how grown up andindependent he or she can be). Person B needs to take back his or her power and beresponsible for their own life.
Some people may be heavily invested in maintaining the symbiosis, in which case they willresist change. However, if you change they will have to adapt! In the end you can onlychange yourself and you may have to take the risk of putting your relationship on the line tomake sure you get to do what you need to do for yourself. Quite often though, the secondperson in relationships will adapt once you make it clear that you will change no matterwhat.
In terms of your sex life, getting out of a symbiotic pattern can only be a good thing. Sexthrives on difference, on change and flexibility, and freedom from responsibilities. Gettingout of a symbiotic pattern may mean that you feel free to experience sex for your ownpleasure, rather than feeling obliged to make it right for the other person.
Symbiosis and sex really don't go together at all. The
set-up of symbiosis meansthat neither one of you is in an adult place in the relationship and having sex with someoneyou are emotionally looking after or who you want to be looked after by will be ratherstrange. This set up doesn't allow for the passion of sex to emerge. If sex works at all youwill more than likely be locked into the roles you normally take on in the relationship, withone person now doing the sexual "looking after" and the other person being the passivereceiver. I am sure an inflexible pattern like this will get boring very quickly!
So, what to do about it? It probably won't be enough to challenge the roles you have witheach other sexually: you'll also need to start looking at the whole set-up of your

You're Reading a Free Preview

/*********** DO NOT ALTER ANYTHING BELOW THIS LINE ! ************/ var s_code=s.t();if(s_code)document.write(s_code)//-->