His Needs/Her Needs

Building an
Affair-Proof
Marriage!
 His Needs Her Needs

Book Premise:
A failure to care about each other’s
needs causes constant frustration
in marriage
 His Needs Her Needs

Book Premise:
A failure to care about each other’s
needs causes constant frustration
in marriage
Often times, we fail to care because
we simply don’t understand each
other’s needs!
 His Needs Her Needs

People are tempted to look elsewhere

when needs are not met in marriage
and are often overcome!
Book Premise:
A failure to care about each other’s
needs causes constant frustration
in marriage
 His Needs Her Needs

Book Premise:
A failure to care about each other’s
needs causes constant frustration
in marriage
Harley invites you to become a
student of each other’s needs so you
can meet them and affair proof
your marriage
 His Needs Her Needs

Key Principle for Marriage:

Become aware of each other’s
emotional needs and learn
to meet them
 His Needs Her Needs

A Love Bank that Never Closes

• Everybody maintains an emotional love
bank for everyone they know
• Deposits and withdrawals are made
according to pleasant or unpleasant
interactions
 His Needs Her Needs

A Love Bank that Never Closes

• When your account is out of balance,
your marriage may find itself in
danger
• You naturally bond with those who fill
your emotional love bank
 His Needs Her Needs

An Affair:
Occurs anytime you look to one of
the opposite sex to meet your
marital love bank needs in place of
your spouse
 His Needs Her Needs

A Deployment is a Dangerous Time

for Marriages
• Some love needs will not be met
• Greater temptation to seek
satisfaction outside of the marriage
 His Needs Her Needs

Everyone is unique in their marriage

needs
• 10 very real needs have been identified
for a fulfilling marriage
• You can’t do without these in your
marriage!
 His Needs Her Needs

What she can’t do without?

• Affection
 His Needs Her Needs

Affection
• The cement of a relationship
• Bonds couple together as one
• Genesis 2:24 – “cleave”
 His Needs Her Needs

Affection
• Conveys a man’s marriage bond to his
wife:
• “I’ll take care of you and protect you.
You are important to me and I don’t
want anything to happen to you”
 His Needs Her Needs

Affection
• “I’m concerned about the problems you
face, and I am with you”
• “I think you do a good job, and I’m proud
of you!”
 His Needs Her Needs

Affection
Most men need to learn this
skill, for without it, their
marriage will likely fail!
 His Needs Her Needs

Showing Affection
• Cards and notes
• Gifts and flowers
• Dinner dates
• Opening doors
• Holding hands
• Giving hugs
 His Needs Her Needs

Showing Affection
• Cards and notes
• Gifts and flowers
• Dinner dates
• Opening doors
• Holding hands
• Giving hugs When in doubt, ask her what
she likes!
 His Needs Her Needs

Affection WARNING!
• For her, affection is an honoring of the
marriage
• For him, affection is often wrongly
interpreted as a prelude
to sex
 His Needs Her Needs

Harley’s First Law of Marriage:

When it comes to sex and
affection, you can’t have one
without the other!
 His Needs Her Needs

What he can’t do without?

• Sexual Fulfillment
 His Needs Her Needs

Sexual Fulfillment
• In commitment to marriage, he trusts
and commits to her all his needs
• He’ll feel cheated if this need
is not met
 His Needs Her Needs

Sexual Fulfillment
• Clearly, he and she have different
views on sexual fulfillment
• Without understanding each other,
you’re marriage is for a rocky
ride
 His Needs Her Needs

Sexual Fulfillment
• He becomes frustrated when there
is not enough sex
• Problem: She is not ready for sex
because he’s not meeting
her needs
 His Needs Her Needs

Harley’s First Corollary:

”The typical wife doesn’t understand her
husband’s need for sex any more than the
typical husband understand his wife’s
deep need for affection”
 His Needs Her Needs

Sexual Fulfillment
• He views sexuality in the same way she
views affection
• Without both needs met, you’ll not be
satisfied
 His Needs Her Needs

Harley’s Second Law of Marriage

”Meet your spouse’s needs as you would
want your spouse to meet yours”
 His Needs Her Needs

For her, you need to give affection. For him, you

need to be sexually fulfilling. Only working
together will you meet each other’s needs.

Marital Golden Rule:

”Meet your spouse’s needs as you would want
your spouse to meet yours”
 His Needs Her Needs

The Oneness Principle:

If you will work at saying and doing things for
each other that build oneness in your marriage,
the right levels of affection and sexual
fulfillment are sure to follow.

Ephesians 2:22-23
 His Needs Her Needs

The Oneness Principle:

If you will work at saying and doing things for
each other that build oneness in your marriage,
the right level of affection and sexual
fulfillment are sure to follow.
Ephesians 2:22-33
“Husbands….Love your wives”
“Wives…..Submit to your own husbands”
 His Needs Her Needs

What she can’t do without?

• Affection
• Conversation
 His Needs Her Needs

Conversation
• Her: “We never talk anymore”
• Him: “What do you want to talk about?”
• Her: “If you don’t know, then you don’t
care about me!”
 His Needs Her Needs

Conversation
• Must focus on the events of her day,
people she encountered, and how she is
feeling
 His Needs Her Needs

Conversation
• She feels most bonded to whoever will
give her affection and conversation on a
daily basis
• Talking is a major love tank filler!
 His Needs Her Needs

Conversation
• Communication takes time
• How long?
 His Needs Her Needs

Conversation
• Guys…Setting aside adequate time to
talk with your wife is a must!
• Date her, eat with her, call her, listen,
linger in the kitchen
 His Needs Her Needs

Conversation Enemies!
• Making demands vice asking
• Using conversation to belittle or punish
• Forcing an agreement to your way of thinking
• Dwelling on past mistakes
• Failure to listen
 His Needs Her Needs

Harley’s Third Law of Marriage

”Caring partners converse in
a caring way”
 His Needs Her Needs

Conversation Friends!
• Work to becoming interested in each
other’s favorite topics
• Balance the conversation between each
other
• Understand, inform, investigate
• Give undivided attention
 His Needs Her Needs

Conversation Tips
• Remember how it was when you dated
• Care deeply for her and prove it daily
• Don’t be fooled into believing she values
your work ethic more than your mouth
• 15 hours per week is a starting point
• Don’t dominate the conversation
 His Needs Her Needs

10 Things Not to Say to a Woman

(1) “What did you do to your hair?”
(2) “They both look the same to me”
(3) “Relax”
(4) “I’ve got it under control”
(5) “You’re not one of those feminists?”

Source: Jessica Murphy, msnbc.com

 His Needs Her Needs

10 Things Not to Say to a Woman

(6) “You’re letting yourself go”
(7) “You’re being emotional”
(8) “You’re acting just like you’re mother”
(9) “You complete me”
(10) “Do you really think you should be eating
that?”

Source: Jessica Murphy, msnbc.com

#6 edited for content for church setting
 His Needs Her Needs

10 Things Not to Say to a Man

(1) “That looks cute”
(2) “We need to talk”
(3) “It’s just a game”
(4) “Nothing’s wrong”
(5) “I sound like my mom”

Source: Jessica Murphy, msnbc.com

 His Needs Her Needs

10 Things Not to Say to a Man

(6) “Does this make me look fat?”
(7) “It doesn’t matter”
(8) “How do I look?”
(9) “Do you think she’s pretty?”
(10) “Which outfit do you like better?”

Source: Craig Playstead, msnbc.com

#6 edited for content for church use
 His Needs Her Needs

What he can’t do without?

• Sexual Fulfillment
• Recreational Companionship
 His Needs Her Needs

Recreational Companionship
• A wife should not abandon her husband
to find fulfillment in recreation
activities without her
 His Needs Her Needs

Recreational Companionship
• Often times, men are fooled into
believing his wife enjoys his activities
• When dating, she often tried to impress
him by being with him
 His Needs Her Needs

Recreational Companionship
• He equates recreation with friendship
• Guys show the equivalent of affection by
hanging out together
• Talking is optional when hanging out!
• Ladies, if you want his attention and his
affection, recreate!
 His Needs Her Needs

Recreational Companionship
• Bottom-line: Work to find common
recreational activities so he is fulfilled
by her presence
 His Needs Her Needs

Recreation Tips
• Make a list of things you both might
enjoy now or wish to try
• Make concrete plans to do these
activities – ladies, date your husbands!
• Understand that tastes change over
time, so you may need to be flexible
 His Needs Her Needs

Recreation Tips
• Warning: Don’t let any recreation activity
rob your marriage of meeting other needs;
golf widows, time with opposite sex, etc.
• Free your husband to enjoy some activities
by himself or with the kids
 His Needs Her Needs

Harley’s Fourth Law of Marriage

”The couple that plays together
stays together”
 His Needs Her Needs

What she can’t do without?

• Affection
• Conversation
• Honesty and Openness
 His Needs Her Needs

Honesty and Openness

• Naturally follows her need for
conversation
• Without this, your relationship will be
shallow and not meet her needs!
 His Needs Her Needs

Honesty and Openness

• Men naturally keep feelings and issues
to themselves
• We like to go it alone
• But you’re no longer alone; you and I
have become a we!
 His Needs Her Needs

Three Kinds of Lying Husbands

• The “born” liar – small lies from an early
age; ingrained and difficult to change
• The “avoid trouble” liar – doesn’t want to
stand up to accountability
• The “protector” liar – thinks truth will
hurt his wife; finances, dangers, etc.
 His Needs Her Needs

Honesty and Openness

• Even little lies empty love banks; she
needs to know she can trust you
• Let her tell you how much of the truth
she can wants to know while deployed
 His Needs Her Needs

Harley’s Fifth Law of Marriage

”Honesty is the best marriage
insurance policy”
 His Needs Her Needs

What he can’t do without?

• Sexual Fulfillment
• Recreational Companionship
• An Attractive Spouse
 His Needs Her Needs

An Attractive Spouse
• Men want to feel proud of the woman
they married
• It is a reflection on their ability to make
good choices!
 His Needs Her Needs

An Attractive Spouse
• “When she looks good, he feels good”
• When she doesn’t give this area of her
life her best shot, he feels she doesn’t
care about his needs
 His Needs Her Needs

Harley’s Fourth Corollary:

”Attractiveness is what you do
with what you have”
 His Needs Her Needs

Attractive Wife Tips

• Weight control
• Makeup to your best advantage
• Your hair should meet his tastes
• Clothes showcase the woman
• Keep on smelling good!
 His Needs Her Needs

An Attractive Spouse
• He will feel cheated when you don’t try,
but he’ll feel like a king and want to
show you off when you make any effort
to be attractive to him!
 His Needs Her Needs

Use the deployment to our advantage!

• Wow him when he comes back!
• Trade off childcare to work out
• Walk, walk, walk
• Buy exercise clothes and shoes
• Update your wardrobe over time
• Let him know your plan to love him
 His Needs Her Needs

What she can’t do without?

• Affection
• Conversation
• Honesty and Openness
• Financial Support
 His Needs Her Needs

Financial Support
• Very important to her need for security
• Often times, a woman resents having to
meet this need if she doesn’t feel her
husband is doing his best
 His Needs Her Needs

Financial Support
• A budget to which you both agree is a
household must
• Before the deployment, agree to a
spending plan
 His Needs Her Needs

Harley’s Fifth Corollary:

”When it comes to money and
marriage, less may be more”
 His Needs Her Needs

Deployment Dangers
• Leaving her with an unreliable car
• Not communicating about impulse
purchases
• Delayed credit card bills
• Where did it all go?
• He cuts her off
 His Needs Her Needs

What he can’t do without?

• Sexual Fulfillment
• Recreational Companionship
• An Attractive Spouse
• Household Support
 His Needs Her Needs

Household Support
• Men often fantasize about a home that
is free of stress and worry
• Frustrations occur for both he and she
when realities set in
• Sometimes, the problem may be as much
his effort as her abilities
 His Needs Her Needs

A Fair Division of Labor

• Identify a list of household duties –
what, when, who, importance to the
other
• Take charge of the items you would
enjoy or prefer to do
 His Needs Her Needs

A Fair Division of Labor

• Assign remaining responsibilities to the
one who most wants the duty
accomplished
• Consider the love bank
 His Needs Her Needs

What she can’t do without?

• Affection
• Conversation
• Honesty and Openness
• Financial Support
• Family Commitment
 His Needs Her Needs

Family Commitment
• Will be very hard during the deployment
• She has a need for her husband to
having a key role in “training up the
children”
 His Needs Her Needs

Family Commitment
• When he abdicates his role, she will
work doubly hard to try to change him
• Almost always to pushes him away
 His Needs Her Needs

Family Commitment
• Since the key component to good
parenting is time, it is easy to see where
the conflict occurs!
 His Needs Her Needs

Quality Family Time Tips

• Meals together
• Walks and bike rides
• Church services
• Game nights
• Reading aloud
 His Needs Her Needs

Family Commitment
• Sometimes, both parents need
training or mentoring to develop
parenting skills
 His Needs Her Needs

Tips for Him to Learn

• Be consistent
• Punish properly
• Agree with your wife
• Interpret the rules to benefit both the
family and the child
• Handle anger appropriately
 His Needs Her Needs

Harley’s Ninth Law of Marriage:

”The best husband is a good father”
 His Needs Her Needs

What he can’t do without?

• Sexual Fulfillment
• Recreational Companionship
• An Attractive Spouse
• Household Support
• Admiration
 His Needs Her Needs

Admiration
• Honest admiration is a key
motivator for most men
• Inspires and drives him to do more
• But: He can read between the lines.
Admiration to manipulate him doesn’t
work in the long run
 His Needs Her Needs

Admiration
• Motivates and rewards his effort
• Helps men believe in themselves and
strengthens fragile self-images
 His Needs Her Needs

Harley’s Sixth Corollary:

”Behind every man should be an
admiring wife”
 His Needs Her Needs

Admiration Tips
• Work at telling him how you admire him
• Look for things he does and tell him
when they fill your love bank
• Praise your husband most in the areas
where you most need his support
 His Needs Her Needs

Admiration Tips
• Tell him you are pleased to be with him
• Honor him – by listening, acts of service,
smiling when he comes in the room, etc.
• Never cut him down in front of others
 His Needs Her Needs

Admiration Practice
• “Honey, one of the things I like most
about you is ……”
• “Big Guy, I feel so special when you ……
without my asking.”
 His Needs Her Needs

Meeting Needs During a Deployment:

Some marital needs will not be met
Guard against emotional and
physical affairs
 His Needs Her Needs

Meeting Needs During a Deployment:

Exercise caution when allowing
others to meet your needs
Be creative in reaching across time
and distance
 His Needs Her Needs

Meeting Needs During a Deployment:

Reintegration will be needed
to begin again in meeting
each other’s needs