Table of Contents

Buddha Cat………………………………………………………………………...Connor Schmidt, 2014

“Buddha Cat was a wanderer. He traveled across the land known as House, visiting distant
regions such as the Couch highlands and Giant Footrest Peak.”

IT……………………………………………………………………………………..Katie Johnston, 2011

“‗Hey IT, I turned my computer off and now I can‘t turn it back on, where is the ‗on‘ button?‘
It‘s the same as the ‗off‘ button. It‘s always the same as the ‗off‘ button. Even Bill Gates understands the
constraints of the average human mind.”

A Series of Disclaimers for a “Piece” that Probably Isn’t Very Good…………………..Ben Lee, 2012

“The parallels between my dorm-mate Jack and my piece‘s protagonist‘s dorm-mate are entirely
coincidental.”

Dam……………………………………………………………………………………….Katie Baer, 2011

“GLADYS: Then I? Then I? Oh don‘t go pretending you‘re mister perfect all the time!
I‘ve seen you stealing logs from the Joneses.”

Creative Writing…………………………………………………………………...Matt McKinney, 2014

“Armed with an extensive knowledge of the Star Wars trilogy and UFO‘s, I felt prepared for a
lucrative career in astronautics.”

Grounded………..…………………………………………………………………..Katie Johnston, 2011

“ELLIE
Once he started to slip on an icy sidewalk, so he kept his arms by his side instead of using them to break
his fall. Said that‘s how he saw penguins do it on TV.

RYAN
But it worked.

ELLIE
Yeah, because I was behind you and you landed on top of me.”
 Schmidt 1

Buddha Cat
Connor Schmidt

There once was a cat so fat with enlightenment that his belly would touch the ground as he
walked. Some knew him as Oliver, but all knew him as Buddha Cat. Buddha Cat himself existed ages
ago, but no one knows exactly when. Experts have varying opinions and ideas of when and how long
Buddha Cat actually lived, but no actual evidence has ever been brought forward that may suggest when
he roamed the earth - or other planets, for that matter. The one thing that everyone can agree on,
apparently, is that the spirit of Buddha Cat lives on in all of us, and that he was very, very fat. The
following is a brief introduction to Buddha Cat and his ways.
Buddha Cat was a wanderer. He traveled across the land known as House, visiting distant regions
such as the Couch highlands and Giant Footrest Peak. On these visits, he would sprawl out on a spot he
thought suitable, and display his girth to all who passed by. It was impossible to ignore Buddha Cat‘s
immense shape in the distance, like a planet eclipsing the sun. It is said that on many occasions Buddha
Cat used his tremendous gut to take advantage of inertia and fling himself across the sky, casting a
looming shadow over the land below, and land delicately atop the unexplored highlands known as
Kitchen Counter. What he did up there is a mystery. However, it is firmly believed by his followers that
once Buddha Cat had ascended Kitchen Counter, he would make his way to the legendary Bowl of
Enlightenment and dine on its contents, filling his sacred, gargantuan stomach and later digesting
teachings of enlightenment and universal peace.
Buddha Cat was a cat whose Zen could not be broken. No matter how severe the disruption,
nothing could penetrate Buddha Cat‘s outer barrier of tranquility (or his inner barrier of blubber). His
head had been repeatedly gnawed upon by the jaws of larger beasts, who in doing so were attempting to
leech off of Buddha Cat‘s enlightened spirit. He was pushed from his perch many times by the mysterious
Higher Ones, those who ruled the vast land of House. He had stumbled and fallen many times not by the
force of others but, in fact, had done so through his own clumsiness and weight distribution. Despite the
fact that he had suffered much duress, his positive disposition remained unbreakable. He would always
respond to problems by positioning himself in the Pose of the Enlightened One, which consisted of laying
flat on his stomach, and allowing his almighty flab to absorb all of his limbs until he retained a uniform,
circular shape. From this pose, he would chant his mantra, ―Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,‖ over and over again,
and would irradiate pure, peaceful energy from his belly. Everything surrounding him would immediately
become tranquil; all violence would cease, all negativity would vanish, and a Higher One would
undoubtedly arrive to perform the sacred art of scratching behind the ears of Buddha Cat. This would
apparently increase the peaceful aura that would be emanating from Buddha Cat.
 Schmidt 2

Today, thousands of years after Buddha Cat sat upon the earth, his spirit of tranquility and inner
peace lives on. The overweight followers of Buddha Cat, known as the Oliverists, have constructed
numerous temples and shrines all around the universe. At these temples, the tubby Oliverists will meditate
and reflect upon the workings of their internal peacefulness by assuming the Pose of the Enlightened One,
tucking all of their limbs under their fat bellies and lying on their stomachs, while purring for at least
three hours. Another acceptable pose is lying on one‘s side, allowing their gut to protrude, while purring.
This is also done for about three hours, but the duration has been known to vary depending on whether or
not one is laying in the sun. Oliverists are only allowed to eat an exotic food similar in every way to
Meow Mix, which they believe was consumed by Buddha Cat himself centuries ago.
Buddha Cat has left his mark - rather, his indentation – upon the world with his teachings of
enlightenment, which have only just recently been translated into comprehensible language. After years
of lazing about, as is their way, Oliverist high priests finally got around to translating and printing Buddha
Cat's teachings. Buddha Cat's ways of lying about all day, reflecting on the ways of the spirit and the
universe, are mirrored by our own actions of lying about on our couch all day on weekends and vacation.
So, whenever you see someone who has a noticeably large gut, show them honor and respect, for they,
like Buddha cat, are on the true path to enlightenment.
 Johnston 1

IT
Katie Johnston

CHARACTERS

SAVANNAH
Mid-twenties, slightly mousy girl, wears glasses. Generally awkward and shy, she tends to fidget,
especially when she‘s nervous. Works in a major company‘s IT department.

JOEL
Savannah‘s coworker in the IT department. Slightly older, lazy, heavily sarcastic. Never gets up from his
desk during the course of the play.

PAUL
Average business man, probably mid-twenties, young (slightly attractive) guy.

SUSAN
Works at the desk next to Paul. Comes off extremely extraverted, bouncy, nice, and talks like she‘s about
to burst into a giggle; when she is serious or angry, her voice deepens and borders on a whisper.

DAN
Boss of all of them. Manager but not that high up the ladder. Not very strict and is reluctant to take action
against employees. Has a generally haggard, tired demeanor.

SETTING

A large office building. The stage is split into three understood rooms: on the left, a messy office
with two cheap desks (the IT department). On the right, a cleaner, neater, more high-tech looking space
with two desks. All desks have computers on them. Between the two ―offices‖ is a space understood to be
an elevator, which is how all characters in opposing offices reach one another. Savannah, Joel, Paul and
Susan are always on stage (with the exception of Paul when he is in meetings). When the scene is
concentrated in one office, the lights dim to almost black on the other and the characters in it go about
mundane tasks, usually something involving a computer and clicking or typing.
 Johnston 2

ACT I

SCENE 1
(Scene opens with light on the left office on the stage [the IT office]. SAVANNAH appears to be
engrossed in something on her computer; she is typing furiously. JOEL is leaning back in his
chair, occasionally pressing keys, looking bored. A phone rings on JOEL‘s desk. SAVANNAH
looks up from her work and stares at the phone. It rings again. And again.)

SAVANNAH
Are… you going to get that?

JOEL
What? Oh. Right. That. Sure, yeah.
(Picks up phone)
IT Department, how can we I your T today?
(Pause)
Uh-huh. Yeah.
(Pause)
Okay. The screen is just… black? Did you check that the computer is on? That tends to be the problem.
(Pause. He looks at Savannah. They both roll their eyes exaggeratedly.)
Oh, it is? Okay. Hold on.
(Covers mouthpiece, says to SAVANNAH)
You free?

SAVANNAH
Sure. Yeah.

JOEL
(Back into phone)
We‘ll be delivering you one bright, smiling nerd pronto. All right. Yeah. Bye.
(Hangs up the phone. Yawns.)

SAVANNAH
Who was it?

JOEL
It‘s that guy again. You know. The one with the hair.

SAVANNAH
You realize you‘ve only ruled out the two bald buys who work here.

JOEL
Only two? Weird. Must be something in the water.

SAVANNAH
Joel.

JOEL
You know who I mean. That guy with the hair who looks like that one actor. Except with a different face.
The one you get all woozy over when you go…
(Looks up at her, grinning)
 Johnston 3

… reboot his hard drive.

SAVANNAH
Who, Paul?

JOEL
That one.

SAVANNAH
Oh. Did he say what was wrong?

JOEL
Eh, I wasn‘t really listening. I‘m in a pre-e-tty intense game of Tetris right now.

SAVANNAH
(Sighs)
I‘ll go check out the scene of the crime, then.

JOEL
Aren‘t you going to… fix your hair or something?

SAVANNAH
(Hand shoots up to her head)
Why, does it look bad?

JOEL
I was kidding. Relax.

SAVANNAH
(Smiling)
Shut up.

(SAVANNAH walks to the middle of the stage, where the elevator is understood to be, and
presses the ―button‖. She momentarily grins to herself and pumps her arm in the way people do
when they‘re thinking ―Yesssss!‖ She then regains her composure as lights go down on the IT
office and go up on the main office. SAVANNAH walks in. Her hands are in front of her stomach,
fidgeting. The only other character in the office is SUSAN, who is at her computer, turned away
from her.)

SAVANNAH
(Clears her throat)
Uh… hi. I‘m here to look at Paul‘s computer?

SUSAN
(Turns around quickly)
Oh! Yes! Hi!
(Gets up, walks over to Savannah, extends her hand.)
I‘m Susan!

SAVANNAH
Hi, yeah, Savannah.
 Johnston 4

(SAVANNAH‘s hand immediately gets lost in both of SUSAN‘s and her whole body is shaken
by an overzealous handshake)

SUSAN
Yeah, Paul‘s in a meeting, but he was getting all grumble-y at his computer before he left. He said he
could trust you…
(Gives Savannah a hard jab in the shoulder with one finger)
…to fix it.

SAVANNAH
(With a nervous laugh)
He did?

SUSAN
(Walking back over to her own desk)
Well, it was something like, ―They‘ll send the only girl in IT. She has some sort of voodoo magic she
works on this old carburetor passing as office machinery‖ – or something like that. You know Paul.

SAVANNAH
(With an embarrassed smile)
Right. Sure. Good old… Paul.
(Motions towards computer)
I‘ll get cracking, then.

SUSAN
(Sitting down.)
Ha-ha! Yeah! You do that!

(SAVANNAH sits in PAUL‘s chair and pushes the power button on the hard drive. She keeps
sneaking furtive glances at SUSAN. Her fidgeting gets more exaggerated. Finally, she takes a
deep breath, and after a pause, says)

SAVANNAH
Hey. Uh, Susan. I‘ve got a question.

SUSAN
What‘s up?

SAVANNAH
I was just wondering… uh.
(Laughs a little)
Actually, it‘s nothing, never mind.

SUSAN
Oh, come on, spit it out. So few of us ladies work here, we‘ve got to be able to talk to each other.

SAVANNAH
(Another deep breath)
Okay. Yeah. Well, um, Paul.
 Johnston 5

SUSAN
Yeah, what about him?

SAVANNAH
I don‘t know, uh… it‘s just that I‘m just up here at least once a week now fixing something on his idiot
computer and I… don‘t know anything about him.
(Looks up at Susan)
I‘m sorry, this is really… embarrassing.

SUSAN
(Laughs)
Don‘t be embarrassed. Paul‘s cute.

SAVANNAH
Is he?

SUSAN
Oh, don‘t pretend you didn‘t notice. You know, I‘ve always said he looks kind of like that one actor.
Except with a different face.

SAVANNAH
(Laughs awkwardly)
So do you… know anything about him?

SUSAN
Well… I think he likes racquetball.

SAVANNAH
Raquetball. Yeah, racquetball is cool.
(Hesitant)
Is that… the one with the net?

SUSAN

One of those games that give guys an excuse to sweat and grunt at each other, I think.

SAVANNAH
Yeah, I guess.
(Goes back to working on the computer for a moment. SUSAN continues
to peer at her.)

SUSAN
You know what else he likes?

SAVANNAH
What‘s that?

SUSAN
(Nonchalantly)
I don‘t know if you‘ve ever heard of it, it‘s called… Star Wars?
 Johnston 6

SAVANNAH
(Beat)
Really? Paul?

SUSAN
I know, right? So not like him. I always thought it was more of a thing that… uh…

SAVANNAH
People who work in IT like?

SUSAN
Yeah. No offense.

SAVANNAH
None taken. One of my coworkers almost cried when I accidentally chipped the porcelain Bobba Fett on
his desk.

SUSAN
The what?

SAVANNAH
Uh, never mind. But… really? He likes it?

SUSAN
(Exaggeratedly)
He. Loves. It. He‘s always talking about it. With Paul it‘s always Jedi this, Harrison Ford that…

SAVANNAH
You mean Han Solo.

SUSAN
... that guy with the headband on his face and the other guy with the pointy elf ears…

SAVANNAH
That‘s Star Trek.

SUSAN
Oh. Are those different things?

SAVANNAH
Glad you asked me that and not someone like Joel. Anyway… thanks.

SUSAN
No problem.
(Turns back to her desk, clicks a few things)
You really like Paul, huh?

SAVANNAH
(Startled)
What?
(Nervous laugh)
 Johnston 7

Oh. No, I was just… wondering. You know. Get to know your workplace!
(Gets up and starts walking to the elevator)

SUSAN
That was it?

SAVANNAH
Oh, yeah. Pretty basic old screw-up, actually. His software just…
(sees Susan staring at her blankly)
… sucks. Hey, uh. Thanks.

SUSAN
No problem.

(SAVANNAH gets back on the elevator. As the lights go down on

SUSAN and PAUL‘s office, SAVANNAH is clearly beaming. SUSAN,
as the lights fade, is still staring after SAVANNAH. Lights go up on
SAVANNAH and JOEL‘s office as SAVANNAH steps back in.)

SAVANNAH
Still on that game of Tetris?

JOEL
Yep. Putting this one piece next to this other piece. Pre-etty crazy up in here. What happened to you?
Your face is all… happy. Did you see
(Raises his voice an octave and makes the name into three syllables)
Paaa-aaa-aaaul?

SAVANNAH
No. He wasn‘t there.

JOEL
Oh. I don‘t see why you like that guy, anyways. He‘s just like everyone else in the building.
(Puts on a stupid voice)
―Hey IT, I turned my computer off and now I can‘t turn it back on, where is the ‗on‘ button?‖ It‘s the
same as the ―off‖ button. It‘s always the same as the ―off‖ button. Even Bill Gates understands the
constraints of the average human mind.

SAVANNAH
(Shakes her head)
Paul is… different. I don‘t know. Better. He doesn‘t stare at my ass when I have to get down on the floor
to unplug something.
(Shrugs, taking off her glasses)
Then again, what do I know? I‘ve hardly ever even talked to him. I can never get the courage up.

JOEL
Oh. Well, sometimes that‘s the trick.
(SAVANNAH looks back at him, quizzically)
After I first met Jan in math class in college I didn‘t talk to her for years. She was dating this football
player. And then he broke her heart and I swooped in and…
(snaps in the air)
 Johnston 8

… now we‘re married with two kids and a goldfish that just won‘t die.

SAVANNAH
I think you‘ve managed to make me even more depressed.

JOEL
(Sticking his chest out with fake pride)
My work here is done.

(The phone rings. SAVANNAH glances between the phone and JOEL. It
rings again.)

SAVANNAH
(Slowly, exasperated)
Are you going to get that?

JOEL
(Looks at it, as if surprised to find it ringing)
Oh. Yeah, I guess. Why not.
(Picks up the phone.)
You have reached the IT department, delivering inspired technological knowledge right to your desk in 30
minutes or it‘s free.
(Pause)
Yeah. Uh-huh.
(Pause, then rolling his eyes with disbelief)
Really? Are you guys just punching your computers?
(Pause)
Never mind. Yeah, I‘ll send someone right up.
(Hangs up. Looks over at SAVANNAH)
Fifth floor again.

SAVANNAH
Paul‘s computer again?

JOEL
No, some lady this time. She sounded… blonde.

SAVANNAH
How does one sound blonde?

JOEL
With practice, I imagine.

SAVANNAH
I think I know who you‘re talking about.
(Gets up)
Yeah, I‘ll get on it.
(Points at JOEL as she walks to the elevator)
But you‘re going next time.

JOEL
 Johnston 9

Nope. I‘m not.

SAVANNAH
I‘ll find some way to make you work, I swear.

JOEL
The ―they‘re offering free pancakes‖ trick can only work once, Savannah! Don‘t be the boy who cried
pancakes! It‘s cruel! It‘s unconstitutional!

(SAVANNAH gets back in the elevator, beginning to fidget again.

Lights come up on SUSAN and PAUL‘s office. SUSAN is doing
something on her cell phone under her desk and occasionally glancing at
PAUL, who is sitting at his desk, not looking at SUSAN. SAVANNAH
walks in.)

SAVANNAH
Hi, Susan.

(PAUL also looks up and smiles at SAVANNAH. SAVANNAH gives a

small wave back.)

SUSAN
Hey, buddy.
(As SAVANNAH walks over to her desk)
It‘s so weird - as soon as you left I swear this big lump…
(Indicates her computer)
… just froze. And then the back looked like it was smoking a little, which is weird because if it froze then
it can‘t be on fire, too.

SAVANNAH
Yeah, that‘s not what they mean by… I tell you what, let me have a look at it.
(Leans over Susan‘s computer)

SUSAN
Here, take my seat.
(SUSAN gets up, and they switch places, with SUSAN now standing and
leaning over SAVANNAH at the desk. SUSAN leans over to
SAVANNAH‘S ear and whispers loudly)
There‘s actually nothing wrong with it. I just thought you might want to see… you know… Paul.

SAVANNAH
Oh… oh. You didn‘t have to… do that, it‘s…

SUSAN
Oh, hush. What‘s a favor between girls?
(Gives her a pat on the shoulder, a little too hard, and it knocks
SAVANNAH a little bit)

SAVANNAH
(Laughing nervously)
Yeah. Uh, thanks.
 Johnston 10

SUSAN
(Announces to no one in particular)
I‘m going to go see what‘s going on in the break room. I will be back soon… but not too soon.
(Gives a suggestive glance to SAVANNAH)

PAUL
Sure, Suze.

(SUSAN begins to walk out, off-stage right. When SAVANNAH is

turned away, SUSAN stops behind PAUL and drums her fingers across
his back. This clearly startles him and he jumps a bit, turning around.
SUSAN grins at him. SUSAN exits, and SAVANNAH continues to
pretend to be working on SUSAN‘s computer for a few moments.)

SAVANNAH
(Turns quickly around to PAUL)
Hey.

PAUL
(Looks up.)
Hey. Oh, thanks for fixing this…
(Indicates his computer)
… thing this morning. What was wrong with it this time?

SAVANNAH
(Nervously)
Oh, just some… software… stuff.

PAUL
Right. I never know anything about that stuff. For the longest time I didn‘t even know that the ―on‖ and
―off‖ button were the same.

SAVANNAH
Heh. Yeah.
(Beat)
You, uh, want to hear a joke?

PAUL
Yeah, I could use a break. Shoot.

SAVANNAH
Okay. Um. How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
(Beat)
He felt his presents.

PAUL
What?

SAVANNAH
(Laughs nervously)
 Johnston 11

Yeah, that wasn‘t very good. Um, how about this one: What‘s the worst cantina on Coruscant?

PAUL
I have no idea what you‘re talking about.

SAVANNAH
… the… Ackbar. Because of… Admiral Ackbar?
(PAUL stares at her blankly.)
You know, ―It‘s a trap‖?

PAUL
Sorry, I don‘t think I get it.

SAVANNAH
Oh. Okay. Star Wars?

PAUL
I haven‘t seen those since I was, like, twelve.

SAVANNAH
Right. Sorry. Um, I think I‘m done with…
(waves at SUSAN‘s computer)
… this.

(SAVANNAH gets up and walks quickly towards the elevator; she is turned
toward it as SUSAN re-enters the room from stage right. SUSAN is staring at
PAUL while pressing something on her phone. PAUL‘s phone lets out a ring
indicating a text message.)

SUSAN
(Cheerfully, to Savannah)
How‘s it going?

(PAUL picks up his phone; something distresses him and he gets up. He
starts walking out of the door that SUSAN just came in.)

SAVANNAH
The computer‘s… fine. I… defrosted it…

(PAUL exits. SUSAN and SAVANNAH are left on opposite sides of the
office from one another.)

SAVANNAH
You told me he liked Star Wars!

SUSAN
Did I? Oh. I must have gotten him confused with someone else.

SAVANNAH
He thinks I‘m… I‘m… oh my God.
 Johnston 12

SUSAN
What did you say to him?

SAVANNAH
I made an Admiral Ackbar joke!
(Covers her face with her hands)

SUSAN
I have no idea what that means.

SAVANNAH
Neither did he!

SUSAN
(Offhandedly)
Cheer up. I‘m sure he‘ll still be interested in you.

SAVANNAH
(Shaking her head)
Before he wasn‘t interested in me. Now he‘s just… creeped out. I gotta go.

(SAVANNAH gets back on the elevator. Before the lights go out on

SUSAN and PAUL‘s office, SUSAN looks at her phone, then goes to sit
back down at her desk. On the elevator, SAVANNAH covers her face
with her hands. Lights up on JOEL and SAVANNAH‘s office, where
JOEL is sitting at his computer)

SAVANNAH
Ugh.
(She flops down in her chair)

JOEL
What‘s the deal, young‘un?

SAVANNAH
Joel, I‘m… I‘m mortified.
(Puts her elbows on her desk and her head in her hands)
I just made a complete idiot of myself. I haven‘t felt like this since… since every single day of high
school.

JOEL
Jeez, that‘s rough. What happened?

SAVANNAH
I told Paul Star Wars jokes. Two of them.

JOEL
Two?
(Beat)
You didn‘t tell the ―presents‖ one, did you? Way overdone. Even fans hate it.
 Johnston 13

SAVANNAH
(Groaning)
I did. And he had no idea what I was talking about.

JOEL
Why would you tell Paul Star Wars jokes? He looks like a guy who plays, like, racquetball and… and
goes outside and has never sold an action figure on eBay in a bind.

SAVANNAH
(Sighs)
Because Susan told me…

JOEL
Wait, Susan?

SAVANNAH
Yeah. I just met her today. She works next to him on the fifth floor.

JOEL
Crazy Susan? She moved again?

SAVANNAH
(Slowly)
What do you mean, Crazy Susan?

(In the opposite office, though the lights are down, they come up a little so that
the audience can see what‘s going on. While SAVANNAH and JOEL are talking
for the next few lines, PAUL comes back in and sits down at his computer.
SUSAN comes over and leans over his desk and starts touching his hair. She is
saying something, but the audience can‘t hear it. PAUL backs away and goes
over to a cabinet and SUSAN follows him. PAUL pushes her away a bit and says
something sternly. She shrugs and goes back to sit at her computer, but continues
to stare at him. When this is done, the lights go back down all of the way on
PAUL and SUSAN‘s office.)

JOEL
It means pretty much what it sounds like. This has to be the fourth time she‘s had to move offices since
she started working here a couple months ago.

SAVANNAH
The fourth time? Why?

JOEL
Why? Because she‘s way creepy.

SAVANNAH
Like telling Star Wars jokes to near-strangers creepy?

JOEL
Like following home the married coworkers who reject her creepy.
 Johnston 14

SAVANNAH
Seriously?
(JOEL nods.)
Yeesh. Wait, you don‘t think she… likes Paul, do you?

JOEL
Does Andre Agassi like tennis? Does Amy Winehouse like the occasional sip of alcohol?

(SAVANNAH groans and puts her head in her hands again)

JOEL
Oh, man. I‘m sorry, Savannah.

SAVANNAH
She just used me to get closer to him. They‘re probably bonding over making fun of me right now.

JOEL
If either of them call you ―four-eyes‖ or stick your head in a toilet, I‘ll step in.

SAVANNAH
Thanks.
(With gentle sarcasm)
You‘re so talented at making me feel better.

JOEL
I do what I can. Do you have any work to do to take your mind off it?

SAVANNAH
No. Not anymore.

JOEL
(Lifts up some papers on his desk)
Want some of mine?

SAVANNAH
I‘ve already done most of it.
(Sighs, stands up, putting on her glasses)
I‘m going to go buy all of the Ho-Hos out of the vending machine.

JOEL
(At SAVANNAH as she walks off-stage left)
Eating your feelings?

SAVANNAH
It‘s not my fault that my feelings taste like Ho-Hos.

JOEL
Understandable.

(SAVANNAH leaves the stage. DAN, their boss, comes in via the
elevator)
 Johnston 15

DAN
Hey, Joel.

JOEL
Oh, hey there, boss-man. Don‘t see you much around these parts. You lost?

DAN
Is Savannah around?

JOEL
She‘s… busy. Why, what‘s up?

DAN
I‘ve run across something on our computer systems that seems… strange.

JOEL
Really? Huh.
(Jokingly)
I‘ve been wiping my hard drive.

DAN
It seems… and I mean, it seems, I could be wrong, you‘re the computer people, but… it seems like
Savannah‘s…
(Pointing at her desk)
… been messing with someone‘s computer.

JOEL
Why would she do that? She‘s got enough work as it is.

DAN
Yeah, well, the weird part is that it‘s just one computer.

JOEL
(Pause.)
Which one?

DAN
I can‘t really tell, I just know it‘s a fifth floor one.

JOEL
Oh.

DAN
Why, do you know anything about it?

JOEL
(Pause, then, quickly)
Yeah. Yeah, I do, actually. It was actually me. Just… messing around.

DAN
 Johnston 16

Messing around?

JOEL
Yeah.
(Nervously laughs)
Just a stupid joke between me and… good old Paul over on the fifth floor. I used Savannah‘s computer to
hack into his. I have to use hers, because, you know, mine is always full of… work… stuff on the screen.
(Motions towards his computer)
And I mess his stuff up and then I go up and fix it and we laugh.
(Awkwardly)
Ha-ha.

DAN
Oh. It‘s a… joke?

JOEL
Yeah. A joke. Admittedly a pretty lame one.

DAN
Yeah. Well, I‘d say lay off it, because if the higher-ups get a whiff of this they‘ll call me up and
(Sighs)
start droning about productivity or synergy or something.

JOEL
Yeah, I‘ll stop. Thanks, boss.

DAN
Sure thing.
(Sighs. Gets into the elevator as SAVANNAH re-enters the office via
stage left. She gives him a slight wave with a hand full of packets of Ho-
Hos.)

SAVANNAH
(Her mouth slightly full, pointing towards the elevator)
The hell did Dan want? Is he lost?

JOEL
(Nonchalant)
Oh, nothing. Just… guy stuff.

SAVANNAH
Yeah. I can imagine the extent of your manly talks.

JOEL
Spitting and buying tires. Usual stuff.

SAVANNAH
Right.
(Sits back down at her desk, dumping the Ho-Hos on it)

JOEL
 Johnston 17

Hey, Van? You haven‘t been, uh, messing with any computers in the building, have you?

SAVANNAH
That‘s kind of our job, Joel.

JOEL
No, I mean, like… messing them up.
(Beat)
So you can go fix them.
(Beat)
On the fifth floor.

SAVANNAH
(Smile falls from her face. Whispers)
Oh, God.

JOEL
Damnit, Savannah.

SAVANNAH
That wasn‘t what Dan came to talk about, was it?

JOEL
No. Well. I… I told him it was me. I said it was like a joke between me and Paul.

SAVANNAH
You didn‘t have to do that.

JOEL
I know. The thing is, if you get fired, you‘ll probably get replaced by someone who won‘t do my work for
me.

SAVANNAH
But if you get fired, you may have to go work somewhere where no one will do your work for you.

JOEL
I didn‘t think that far ahead. It‘s not in my nature.

SAVANNAH
Thanks, Joel.

JOEL
Yeah, sure thing. How long have you been doing that, anyway?

SAVANNAH
Just a few weeks. I mean, the first time I had to fix his computer it had really, actually messed up. These
things are, like, ten years old anyway… but you know that. And I, I don‘t know, I just kind of liked him
from the moment I met him, but for the life of me I couldn‘t get up the courage to talk to him. So… when
I came back, I was so frustrated with myself, and I knew I had to go and try again. So I kind of messed
around with his system and got called up, thinking, ―This time, I‘m going to say hello‖. But I didn‘t that
day. I stuttered a little bit like a loser but… nothing. So I did it again, thinking this time I‘ll say ―Hi‖. I‘m
 Johnston 18

just going to say ―Hi‖. And I did, though it kind of came out between ―Hi‖ and ―Hello‖ so I actually said
―Hilo‖ and he went ―What?‖ and I just pretended to click on stuff. So I thought, I‘ve taken the first step!
But then his computer was fine for a while, so, I mean, I had to. Well, I didn‘t have to, but I wanted to
talk to him again, so I… gave him a virus.

JOEL
You gave the guy a virus so you could talk to him? Savannah, I‘m pretty sure that‘s illegal in this state.

SAVANNAH
It was just a little one! And I got rid of it for him, but, you know, one error message led to another and…
(Sighs)
then today happened. I promise it won‘t happen again, Joel. Really. Anyway, I‘m pretty much too
embarrassed to ever go to the fifth floor. I will never be found again between floors four and six.

JOEL
(Pause)
Well, I don‘t know about that.

SAVANNAH
Not even to do your work, Joel.

JOEL
No, it‘s not that. I mean, you should still try to talk to the guy.

SAVANNAH
No way.

JOEL
Oh, come on. So you were a little creepy. He works with Crazy Susan, he‘s probably used to it! And
anyway, if everybody never spoke to anybody they‘d ever embarrassed themselves in front of, the world
would come to a halt. People like us
(Motions to himself and SAVANNAH)
would never procreate. Can you imagine a world without IT departments? Just idiots hitting their
computers eight hours a day and grunting.

SAVANNAH
I think you‘re exaggerating a tad.

JOEL
What I‘m saying is, don‘t let Crazy Susan get you down. Hell, get even.

SAVANNAH
(Guffaws)
Get even? This isn‘t an action movie, Joel. I don‘t even know what getting even would mean.

JOEL
Yeah, you do. You‘ve got to find a way to show her for what she is. Rip off Vader‘s mask to show the
wonky Anakin lava-face beneath.

SAVANNAH
I don‘t know if I have that level of manipulation in me.
 Johnston 19

JOEL
Sure you do. Come on. Find her Alderaan. Blow up her home planet.

SAVANNAH
You‘ve out-nerded yourself, Joel.

JOEL
Come on. Find her crazy at its source and draw it out so Paul can see her for who she really is.

SAVANNAH
I don‘t even have an excuse to go up there.

JOEL
(Quickly types something into his computer)
Sure you do. Her system just shut down.
(Looks at SAVANNAH, smiling)
For no reason at all.

(As JOEL says this line, the lights go up slightly on SUSAN and PAUL‘s
office. SUSAN suddenly gets up from her computer and yells at it
inaudibly. PAUL jumps a little and begins to scoot away from SUSAN.
SUSAN turns and stares at him. PAUL walks out quickly, stage left.
SUSAN sits back down. Lights go back down)

SAVANNAH
How did you even do that?

JOEL
Just because I don‘t actually do any work doesn‘t mean I don‘t know a few tricks. That one‘s especially
handy for before Dan calls me in for annual job evals.

SAVANNAH
I‘m not going to do this, Joel. It‘s not going to make Paul like me.

JOEL
She tried to make you look weird in front of him. And, well, succeeded. It‘s only fair that you return the
favor.
(The phone rings. JOEL answers.)
El Department-o del IT? Yes? Again? Huh. Did you try pushing the button? The big one with the light on
it?
(Nods)
Of course you did.
(Looks at SAVANNAH)
We‘ll send someone right up.
(Hangs up.)
Remember what Napoleon said. ―Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.‖

SAVANNAH
(Walking over toward the elevator)
I‘m pretty sure that was under slightly different circumstances.
 Johnston 20

JOEL
Nah, old Bonaparte was fighting off crazy blondes left and right. Good luck.

SAVANNAH
(Getting on the elevator.)
I don‘t need luck, Joel. I‘m not Luke Skywalker. I‘m not even Leia. I‘m just going to fix her computer
and come back.

(Lights go down on the IT office and go up on PAUL and SUSAN‘s.

PAUL is still not there. SAVANNAH enters the office.)

SAVANNAH
(Waves at SUSAN)
Hi, another computer problem?

SUSAN
Yeah. Piece of crap just died out of nowhere.

SAVANNAH
(Walks over to her desk)
I‘ll see what I can do.

SUSAN
Ugh, I have had such a day. Dan‘s been on my back about… stupid little things.

SAVANNAH
You too?

SUSAN
Yeah, and as soon as I get a minute to sit down and get work done, this thing
(Motions angrily at the computer)
goes kaput.
(SUSAN gets up. SAVANNAH sits in her chair. SUSAN stands behind
her.)

SUSAN
Sorry about the, uh, thing. Earlier.

SAVANNAH
(Pretending to concentrate)
What thing?

SUSAN
You know. The Star Wars thing.

SAVANNAH
Oh. Yeah.
(Typing)
I remember that.
 Johnston 21

SUSAN
(Begins pacing behind the chair)
It‘s just… I really like Paul. Like, really. All of the other men around here have some weird problem with
me. And this morning? When he mentioned that he was glad that you were coming to fix his computer? I
have to admit, I… I got a little jealous.

SAVANNAH
(Turns around to look at SUSAN)
Wait, he said that? That he was glad I was coming?

SUSAN
I just kind of told him he had to go to this stupid committee meeting that he didn‘t have to go to because I
didn‘t want you to… take him.

SAVANNAH
I wasn‘t going to try to take him. I‘m not even sure how ―taking‖ works.

SUSAN
Yeah.
(Stops pacing and stares down the back of SAVANNAH‘s head)
I realize now, you‘re not a threat at all.

SAVANNAH
(Beat)
You know, the weird thing is, he sent me an e-mail earlier.

SUSAN
What?

SAVANNAH
Yeah. He said he really liked my Ackbar joke but he was afraid to laugh because he didn‘t want to
exclude you.
(Quickly)
And then he asked me out for coffee! In a café! With other people in it! At a table!

SUSAN
(Walks to face SAVANNAH, angry)
He didn‘t.

SAVANNAH
Yep! He did!

SUSAN
That little… he has no right to… Oh, I‘ll show him.

(DAN enters via stage left)

SUSAN
Dan! Have you seen Paul?

DAN
 Johnston 22

Yeah, I was just talking to him, actually.

(Leans around SUSAN and sees SAVANNAH)
Hey, Savannah.

SAVANNAH
Oh, uh, hi. Dan.

SUSAN
(In DAN‘s face)
Well, could you tell him to come talk to me?

DAN
I‘m afraid I can‘t do that. I actually…
(walks over and sits in PAUL‘s seat)
I hate to do this, Susan. You‘re a decent worker. Sort of. But…
(Slowly)
I‘m going to have to ask you to… not. Not work here.

SUSAN
(Walks over, standing over DAN.)
What?

DAN
I think you should see other companies.

SUSAN
Are you… firing me?

DAN
We honestly have no other place to move you. After Paul‘s, this is the fifth complaint we‘ve gotten about
you, and… Susan, we don‘t tolerate sexual harassment in this work place.

SUSAN
Sexual harassment? What the hell are you talking about?

DAN
Do I have to explain it? You can‘t give coworkers massages three or four times a day. Or continue when
they ask you to stop.
(In a loud whisper)
Especially when they stop being back massages.

SUSAN
I was just being friendly!

DAN
Susan, I didn‘t even know what ―sexting‖ was until this morning, and I would have preferred to remain
ignorant.

(PAUL enters, almost tiptoeing, and stands next to DAN)

SUSAN
 Johnston 23

(Pleading to PAUL)
Why are you doing this to me?!

PAUL
I… I‘m sorry, Susan! I just can‘t take it anymore! I feel like I‘m walking on eggshells! Sex eggshells!
And I‘m just… not interested. I don‘t know how many times I have to tell you.

SUSAN
Fine. Fine. I see what it‘s like. I don‘t need this place anyway.
(Starts opening desk drawers as she‘s talking, grabbing things and
throwing them in her purse.)
Most men would be happy to have me! Joyful! Exuberant! The men here are just… freaks. They‘re all
like, ―Stop touching me,‖ and ―I have a wife,‖ and ―That‘s not what company e-mail is for‖ – and you!
(points to PAUL)
Taking her
(points to SAVANNAH)
out for coffee? When you could have this?
(Points at herself)
You people are crazy!
(Grabs her purse and starts to walk out, but stops at the door, turning on
her heel exaggeratedly, pointing at DAN).
This isn‘t the last of me, Dan!

DAN
Yeah, I know. I‘m already pretty well acquainted with your lawyer. Poor guy.

(SUSAN walks out, slamming the door, leaving DAN, PAUL, and
SAVANNAH in shock.)

SAVANNAH
(Beat)
Wow.

DAN
I deserve a vacation. Or a long nap at my desk.

SAVANNAH
Yeah.

DAN
I was going to take one anyway. Guess you don‘t need to fix that now.
(Points at SUSAN‘s computer.)

SAVANNAH
Guess not.

(DAN exits, leaving SAVANNAH and PAUL in PAUL‘s office

together.)

SAVANNAH
Well. Uh. My work here is done, I guess.
 Johnston 24

(Gets up and starts to walk to the elevator)

PAUL
Wait. Savannah.

SAVANNAH
(Turns around)
Is this about the… taking me out… thing? Because I swear, I was just lying, I thought if you saw how
crazy she was… you would… think I was less weird in comparison.

PAUL
I already knew she was crazy. And I don‘t think you‘re weird.

SAVANNAH
Not even… after this morning?

PAUL
What about it?

SAVANNAH
You know. The Star Wars thing. Making an idiot out of myself.

PAUL
We all do that sometimes. Hell, I tried to dress up as a Tom Baker-era Doctor Who a few Halloweens
ago. Everyone thought I was Phil Spector.

SAVANNAH
Seriously?

PAUL
Yeah, unfortunately.
(Walks over and sits down at his desk)
I‘ll see you around, then. I hope. You can always fix this thing
(Indicates his computer)
when it crashes. Or… some other time.

SAVANNAH
Yeah. Yeah, I hope so, too.

(SAVANNAH enters the elevator. Lights go down on PAUL and

SUSAN‘s office, go up on the IT office. SAVANNAH enters, heaving a
big sigh.)

JOEL
So?

SAVANNAH
(Sits down at her desk)
So… Susan doesn‘t work here anymore.

JOEL
 Johnston 25

What?

SAVANNAH
Apparently her flirtation was a bit… excessive.

JOEL
Huh. She never flirted with me.

SAVANNAH
I said excessive. Not desperate.

JOEL
Ouch. Any luck with Paul?

SAVANNAH
(Beat)
I think so.

JOEL
Good. Don‘t forget to put out.

SAVANNAH
Joel!
(Throws another packet of Ho-Hos at him)

JOEL
What? I meant in a good way.

BLACKOUT
 Lee 1

A Series of Disclaimers for a “Piece” that Probably Isn’t Very Good

Ben Lee

Before I get started, a few disclaimers:

Disclaimer No. 1
The characters and events I describe are completely fictitious.

Disclaimer No. 2
Though the characters and events are fictitious, they may remind certain people of certain events
that have transpired at a certain college. Good art always borrows something from life. My mediocre
―piece‖ is trying to do the same.

Disclaimer No. 3
There is one scene in my ―piece‖ that you might think is too contrived or absurd and would never
actually happen in real life. I call it the ladybug scene. Well, don‘t think I‘m a bad writer, because this
scene actually did happen.
I had been assigned to capture a live insect for my microscopy class. While walking to lunch I
saw a ladybug on the crotch of my pants. So, I placed my index finger in a location where the ladybug
could crawl onto it and said to it, ―Come here, ladybug, come here.‖
And then, when I looked up, I noticed that a girl who I knew was named Becca was looking in my
direction. She apparently seemed to believe I was calling her a ladybug and beckoning her towards my,
well, pants.
So I shouted after her, ―There was a bug! A ladybug! Here, I can show it to you!‖
But at this point, she didn‘t hear me. And so I collected myself, and the ladybug, and continued on my
way. Which happened to be in the same direction as the girl whose name I knew was Becca. Which
made her walk even more quickly than before.

Disclaimer No. 4
I realize, after consideration, that a detail in the story I‘ve just told isn‘t one hundred percent
verifiable: I cannot be sure that she did not hear me.
Perhaps she noticed the bug, understood my ―there was a bug,‖ but shook her head as a joke.
Or perhaps she was playing coy, trying to flirt with me.
 Lee 2

Disclaimer No. 5
Becca may have been trying to flirt with me. May. I‘m not the kind of guy who thinks
everybody‘s trying to flirt with him.
This, along with the fact that I‘m writing a story about a protagonist who is basically me (who is
writing a story about a protagonist who is basically him (and thus also me)) might suggest some
narcissism in my character (and perhaps my character‘s character.)
I won‘t say that I don‘t have a big ego because that in itself would provide evidence that I do have
a big ego, which I don‘t. I will instead show you, not tell you, the size of my ego…
As a matter of fact, I‘m going to quote word for word a little something written by yours truly
that I think will demonstrate the verifiable modesty of my tiny ego. This email I sent on September 30th,
2010:

―Dear B.
―Although I‘ve been doing a routine of push-ups for several weeks now, and may indeed be
making some progress, I am not what you would call muscular.
―Although I brush my teeth with regularity, at least three times a day, I occasionally have bad
breath. The problem is most likely intestinal.
―My hair is brown and often covered with dandruff covered with a hat. My neck and shoulders
are a little on the hunched side. The only redeeming aspect of my appearance is often the witticism on
my t-shirt.
―I hope that this physical description helps you think of who I am. If not, tomorrow, when you‘re
in your fourth period Psych class, glance behind you to your left. To verify my identity, I will nod twice
and then blink three times.
―I‘m sending you this email simply to clear the air between us. I‘ve been noticing that you‘ve
been walking much more quickly than usual between certain classes.
―I hope I am not causing you any anxiety.
―Just know that my behavior has nothing to do with you, I‘m just awkward. Especially around
certain members of a certain sex. The problem is that I have kissed a girl only once (and it didn‘t really
count since it was an April Fool‘s Day joke) and I have never had other such relations.
I hope this explains my behavior. It‘s not that I, by any means, love you.
Sincerely (as you can see, not ―Love‖),
That guy who put a finger to his crotch and said, ―Come here, ladybug.‖
P.S. Just to make sure you‘re clear, it‘s because there was a ladybug.
Disclaimer No. 6
 Lee 3

I should probably get on with the actual story soon, but before I do I just want to clear a little
major issue. Virgin is often a word used to describe me. And though (as stated above) I have no ―such
relations,‖ I would still like to dispute its accuracy.
You see, from very early on in my development, I‘ve been suspicious of what I cannot prove.
What I‘m trying to say is I might not be a virgin because sex might not exist.

Disclaimer No. 7
I don‘t want you to go around thinking, after reading my previous disclaimer, that I don‘t believe
sex exists. That‘s ludicrous. I‘m just being logical and acknowledging that the existence of sex (albeit
incredible likely) is only one among many possibilities.
For instance:
Women have invented sex as a prank to pull on men. Maybe they have their own means of
making babies, but know that if men knew this, they would never agree to buy them jewelry.
Corporations have invented sex in order to sell us clothes, colognes, and condoms. Perhaps nobody has
sex but only wants to seem as though they do and children are made in secret factories.
The world has invented sex in order to pull a prank on me.
This last possibility has occurred to me often, likely because I had a reputation for being gullible
in both middle and high school. I once fell victim to a school-wide prank in which I was convinced that I
had turned invisible. I thus have a bit of a practical joke phobia.
But, indeed, from the perspective of logic, when I look at the evidence, such a wide-scale sex
prank really isn‘t all that improbable.
1) The adult world lied to me about Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. And at about the same time
they came clean on those two falsities, they told me, purportedly, ―the secret of the birds and the bees.‖
Perhaps they were merely substituting lies? My mother would never do such a thing, unless she was
convinced to by my stepfather. He, however, would do just such a thing. He‘s a jerk.
2) If my stepfather contacted FOX, he may have convinced them to make my life into a disturbed
reality TV show hosted by Ashton Kutcher. Perhaps all of my experience with information surrounding
sex (the first time I looked at chapter nine of my biology book, or caught my parents breathing heavily in
the dark) has been fabricated. My shocked reactions would have been filmed and broadcasted for the
amusement of working class Americans.
3) In the middle of the night, when I hear that noise in the dorm room next to mine, and I cover
my ears for shame, the sounds may simply be my neighbor and one of his female friends jumping up and
down on his spring mattress, making groans as bizarre as their imaginations allow, and simulating kissing
sounds by slurping Jell-O off of sponges.
 Lee 4

In conclusion, I will suppose that sex exists. But if it ever turns out otherwise, let it be here
recorded that I saw it coming.
Dear Ashton Kutcher,
I saw it coming.
November 3rd 2010

Disclaimer No. 8
The previous disclaimer in no way admits that I have heard any such suggestive sounds
emanating from the dorm room adjacent to mine. (Which, since I live in the single at the end of the
hallway, is obviously Jack‘s.) Nor have I ever recorded such sounds for later examination.

Disclaimer No. 9
The parallels between my dorm-mate Jack and my piece‘s protagonist‘s dorm-mate are entirely
coincidental.

Disclaimer No. 10
The previous disclaimer is only to clear up confusion. It is not intended, in any way, to spare
Jack‘s reputation. I know some people think that Jack is actually a nice guy. Let me clear this up. Jack
is not a nice guy. He is not a nice guy at all. He is an asshole.
Here is why:
1) Even though his voice is always ―calm‖ and ―quiet,‖ it‘s still obnoxious.
2) He calls people weird and condescending names like ―Big boy,‖ ―bud,‖ and ―chickadee.‖
3) He makes jokes that he thinks are funny but are usually just mean.
4) He objectifies women.
5) He has bad breath. And, in his case, it‘s not intestinal. He doesn‘t brush his teeth enough.
6) He‘s a Business Major, which just means that he‘s good at lying. (My stepdad, as it turns out,
was also a business major.)
7) He convinced me that he was a nice guy and that we were friends. But then he surprised me by
turning into an asshole.
To illustrate, here‘s something that he actually said to me one night:
―Just go away, all right, chickadee?‖
I was standing outside his dorm-room door, doing nothing wrong, only waiting to talk with him,
since that‘s what ―friends― do.
 Lee 5

―I‘m sorry to bother you,‖ I said, politely, ―But, about what I said earlier, I don‘t want you to go
around thinking that—‖
He cut me off and said, ―I‘d love to hear about that later,‖ obviously lying, ―but not right now, all
right, bud?‖
And then he shoved the door closed.
I heard him say something to someone inside, and I heard a female voice respond. Becca‘s. I
heard laughter.
I knocked on his door once again.
He took a long time to answer, as usual. When he did, he threw the door open violently. And then
he said, with that salesman smile still on his face: ―Listen big boy, both me and my friend would like you
to leave us alone, ok?‖
His bulgy body filled most of the doorframe. I couldn‘t see inside, but I could make out Becca‘s
small and purple empty shoes.
―I‘m aware but—‖
He cut me off again and said, ―Take a hint, all right? She‘s out of your league.‖
He was presuming a) that I ―liked‖ Becca (which wasn‘t necessarily true) and b) that I wanted to
know whether or not Becca ―liked‖ me. Which I didn‘t. Otherwise I wouldn‘t have deleted her responses
to my emails without reading them. But, to be polite, I said, ―All right.‖
―So, you‘re not going to be following her around, or knocking on my door when we‘re hanging
out, is that ok, my man?‖
―That‘s ok,‖ I said. ―My man.‖
―Good. Now I‘m going to close this door, and you‘re going to go back to your room or do
whatever you want, but you‘re not going to be knocking on my door or kicking my wall anymore, do you
read?‖
―I read,‖ I said.
―Good.‖ He paused and then said, ―Listen, I can tell you‘re a cool guy, but you need to learn to
relax, ok? It‘ll be good for you.‖
And he closed the door.
And then, as I could hear through his door, he said something, then she said something else, then
he said something louder, and then they both laughed.
And so, I decided that I should do him the favor of listening to his advice. I relaxed and left.
This I did because I am a decent person. Unlike Jack. Who, as you‘ve seen, is an asshole.

Disclaimer No. 11
 Lee 6

My opinion of Jack is in no way related to the fact that Becca is his girlfriend. I would hate him
anyway. He is an asshole.

Disclaimer No. 12
The previous disclaimer relies on a theory that is (as of yet) unproven: the theory that Becca is or
has ever been Jack‘s girlfriend.
It is possible that, instead:
Becca is being blackmailed.
Becca is being brainwashed.
Becca is pretending to date him either because she is trying to pull an embarrassing joke on me or
because she is (and I only state it because it is a possibility) trying to flirt with me.
These theories would help explain the following inconsistencies:
1) Before Becca becomes intimate with Jack, she generally consumes incredibly large quantities
of alcohol provided, most often, by Jack. Is she being forced to perform acts contrary to her desires? I
know that, when I drank in high school, my peers were able to force me to make many mistakes.
Although, I‘ve yet to see her agree to spend a night in a cafeteria trashcan.
2) Soon after Jack and Becca‘s ―relationship‖ began, a peculiar incident occurred between me and
my stepdad. He phoned me out of the blue saying that he just wanted to ―talk,‖ ―father to son.‖ And then
he said: ―So, are there any girls at school?‖ as though he knew some joke that I didn‘t. Of course there
are girls at school. What was he hinting at?
3) After closely examining certain digital records that I have attained, I have determined, without
a doubt, that during the act of their supposed ―intercourse,‖ Becca often releases, not only groans of
pleasure but peals of laughter. What is she laughing at?
4) If Jack were actually dating Becca, why do I keep seeing him with his arm around girls whose
names I don‘t know? And there are certainly tapes without Becca‘s laughter. Who else is next door?

Disclaimer No. 13
I want to apologize, for what I know has been probably a few too many disclaimers. Sorry.

Disclaimer No. 14
One last thing, though.
You may have noticed that my ―piece‖ doesn‘t seem to be altogether present (see Disclaimer No.
15). I apologize. I would have finished it, had certain circumstances not taken hold of me.
Let me explain:
 Lee 7

I was in my room, Sunday night, hard at work on what you are reading now. I had spent most my
time so far writing a few disclaimers (13) and was just about ready to head into the actual story (which
was so complex it had given me a headache).
It was 2:14 a.m.
I heard a series of shouts coming from Jack‘s room, some of which I was able to distinguish.
―That‘s not what you said! That‘s not what you said!‖ screamed a female voice.
―Tell me! Who the hell is she? Tell me!‖ screamed another. If I had to guess, I would say it was
Becca‘s.
And then I heard Jack say something indistinguishable in a voice that was trying to be calm but
was really just annoying.
Then the first voice screamed: ―You said you broke up with her last week! That‘s what you
said!‖
And then the second asked, ―What‘s she talking about, Jack?‖
Jack‘s voice murmured something else, but was interrupted—
―I don‘t want to relax. You can‘t have me on Saturdays and her on Sundays. Either she leaves
right now, or …that‘s it! We‘re through!‖
And then the other voice said again, ―Tell me what she‘s talking about, Jack.‖
And then there was a long pause.
And then Jack started talking, this time loud enough to be heard through the wall. He said,
―Becca, I think it would be best if you left right now. Christine and I need to talk things over and… hang
out.‖
As I said before, Jack is an asshole.
After the yelling subsided, I went back to work. I might have finished and gone to bed as usual
if, just a few minutes later, I hadn‘t heard the sound of sobbing in the hallway. Since I am a decent
person, I investigated.
As it turns out, the sobbing was coming from Becca. When I opened the door, she stopped
sobbing for a moment. But when she saw who I was, she started sobbing even more than before and said,
―Don‘t look at me.‖
Still a decent person, I didn‘t look at her.
After a while, she asked me, ―What are you looking at?‖
And I said, ―I‘m counting the tiles in the ceiling,‖ because I was.
She laughed at this. Which I found odd, since she had just been sobbing.
She said, ―You‘re that guy, aren‘t you?‖
―I think so,‖ I said.
 Lee 8

―So, there was really a ladybug on your…‖

―Pants? Yes,‖ I said, and she laughed.
―You know what the worst part about this is?‖ she asked me. ―My roommate‘s boyfriend is in
town today, so I don‘t even have anywhere to sleep.‖
After a pause, I said, ―Jack is an asshole.‖
This made her silent for a little while, but then laugh really hard.
I asked her if she wanted to see the ladybug. She said she did, so I took her inside my room to
show it to her. Its legs were detached and she thought it was gross. I agreed with her, but only
theoretically. She started hugging me, not theoretically.
I said: ―I notice that you‘re touching me, which I appreciate, but I would like to make a few things clear.‖
―Me too,‖ she said.
―For instance, I don‘t want you to think that I…‖
―F‘rinstace, I‘m drunk,‖ she said. I would have continued, but she closed my lips with what
wasn‘t an April Fool‘s Day joke.
What happened then I believe was sex, but I cannot be certain. I say that I cannot be certain
because later I asked her to tell me if she thought what had happened was, in some way, a prank.
She said, ―I guess it sort of was… I‘m sorry…‖ and drifted off.
And when I woke up she was gone.

Disclaimer No. 15
Sorry again about all the disclaimers.
Here‘s what I have of my ―piece,‖ though it‘s probably not very good…
(See Disclaimer No.1)
 Baer 1

Dam
Katie Baer

Two beavers, GLADYS and MONTGOMERY, sit on top of an unfinished dam, which they are in the
process of constructing over a river near a Levittown type housing development.

GLADYS: Would you hand me that branch?

MONTGOMERY: No.
GLADYS: Ha...
MONTGOMERY: What?
GLADYS: I asked you to hand me that branch.
MONTGOMERY: And I said no.
GLADYS: Real funny Montgomery. Hand it over.
(Gladys reaches out to Montgomery)
MONTGOMERY: No. I‘m using it.
GLADYS: No you‘re not. It doesn‘t even fit there.
(Montgomery is trying to put the branch in the dam next to him, but the branch pokes out awkwardly)
MONTGOMERY: I think it fits just fine.
GLADYS: No, it would fit much better over here.
MONTGOMERY: I said, it fits fine over here.
GLADYS: And I disagree. It would fit better here.
(Gladys grabs at the branch. Montgomery pulls it out from the dam, throws it into the river, and it floats
away)
GLADYS: What on earth did you do that for? I need that branch over here!
MONTGOMERY: You can‘t always get what you want, Gladys.
GLADYS: Jesus, Montgomery, I just want that stick. Don‘t turn this into something else.
MONTGOMERY: Something else? Whatever do you mean?
(Gladys unknowingly picks up a stick and uses it to gesture as she speaks)
GLADYS: You know damn well what I mean, Montgomery. Drama, drama, drama.
That‘s what you live for. Making drama. Ever since we were kits.
MONTGOMERY: What I live for? You‘re the one who—
(Gladys slams the stick she’s holding to the floor)
GLADYS: The one who what? Slept with Harold? You‘re never going to get over that,
are you? No matter what we‘re doing you always bring it up! It was two
 Baer 2

years ago! How is it any of your business anyways?

MONTGOMERY: Me always bring it up? You just brought it up!
GLADYS: You act like you‘re my mate! How is whom I sleep with any business of
yours?
MONTGOMERY: I‘m your brother! All your business is my business. Especially when
it involves our family image.
GLADYS: Family image? Oh God, not again.
(As he talks, Montgomery looks at the dam, putting sticks into holes in various places, avoiding eye
contact with Gladys)
MONTGOMERY: What? What? I spend my whole life doing the right thing, being
respectable, making connections. How do you think we get such a
good selection of logs? But then you-
GLADYS: Then I? Then I? Oh don‘t go pretending you‘re mister perfect all the time!
I‘ve seen you stealing logs from the Joneses.
MONTGOMERY: What I do, I do for the family! I built our dam from a single twig.
Now look at it! We‘d be the most admired family on the river if you hadn‘t-
GLADYS: Just say it. Say it, Montgomery!
(Montgomery throws the sticks he’s holding in the air)
MONTGOMERY: IF YOU HADN‘T SLEPT WITH A WOODCHUCK!
GLADYS: I knew it. You‘re a goddamn racist. All your self-righteous bullshit is exactly
that – bullshit!
MONTGOMERY: Come on Gladys. Don‘t pretend like you‘re in love with the guy.
GLADYS: And what if I were?
MONTGOMERY: Oh please. He‘s from the development, for God‘s sake!
(Gladys fills cracks in the dam with mud, slapping it against the twigs overtly loudly)
GLADYS: Yes, Montgomery, he‘s from the development. He‘s a woodchuck from the
development, and it kills you.
MONTGOMERY: And that‘s exactly why you did it. You did it to spite me. You wanted
to ruin everything I‘ve done.
(Gladys stops moving and looks Montgomery directly in the eyes)
GLADYS: No, Montgomery. It had nothing to do with you. You made it about you. I was
lonely. So lonely. I have needs. Needs that your perfect world and your
perfect dam can‘t fill!
(As Montgomery speaks Gladys angrily gnaws on a stick)
 Baer 3

MONTGOMERY: You think you‘re the only one who‘s lonely? Hah! Do you think I‘ve
had time for relationships? But I didn‘t ruin everything I‘ve built for
some one night stand. I could‘ve any time, I mean, look at these teeth!
This tail! Every beaver on river wants me. But I never give in! I take
my responsibilities seriously.
GLADYS: What do you want me to do, Montgomery? I did what I did and I don‘t regret
it. Move on.
MONTGOMERY: How can I move on? Instead of being the top beaver on the river I‘m
the brother of a whore.
(Montgomery slams his fist on the dam, causing sticks to cascade down the side)
GLADYS: It was always a sham. Reputations are a sham! Just live your life,
Montgomery. Live your life.
MONTGOMERY: That‘s easy for you to say, you never cared.
(Gladys takes a step towards Montgomery)
GLADYS: I loved you, Montgomery. I still love you. You‘re my brother and always will
be.
MONTGOMERY: Are you finally apologizing?
GLADYS: I don‘t regret what I did. I‘m just sorry that you can‘t get past it.
(Montgomery is silent for a moment)
MONTGOMERY: Pass me that stick.
(Gladys hands Montgomery a stick and he places it in the dam).
MONTGOMERY: See you tomorrow.
(Montgomery scampers away along the dam. Gladys slaps her tail against the dam loudly)
GLADYS: DAMN IT!

END.
 McKinney 1

Creative Writing
Matt McKinney

At seven years old, I was hell-bent on becoming an astronaut. The idea of flight fascinated me,
especially if I could not do so as a professional basketball player. But my wishes only fed to the larger,
ongoing debate between my friends: Whose career path was most exciting. The few classmates that had
no use for our enthusiasm would still sit with us at the lunch, but were forced to tolerate the same grisly
scene each and every day—half-eaten chicken nugget scraps flying in all directions, while a grimy huddle
of first-graders bickered over which was cooler: life as a superhero or joining the mysterious world of
train conductors. Of course, I knew the conversation was unnecessary all along—it was a moot point.
Most weekends, I would sit through Sunday school pondering not about saints and parables, but rather,
space travel how God was going to help get me there. Armed with an extensive knowledge of the Star
Wars trilogy and UFO‘s, I felt prepared for a lucrative career in astronautics.
But as the years passed, and one thing led to another, something happened. Math quizzes started
to incite more fear in me than the threat of an alien invasion. Chemistry wasn‘t going any better. I finally
decided that NASA‘s heads would need to be drunk to give me the keys to the office, let alone a multi-
billion dollar space shuttle. Eventually my fascination just… died. It wasn‘t idea of walking on the moon
had become any less cool; I just became more in tune with the stark reality of my position. I figured the
odds: If there are over 6-billion people on the planet, and only three of them have ever set foot on the
moon, I‘d have better odds at getting struck by lightning, winning the lottery and running into Ronnie
from MTV‘s ―Jersey Shore‖ at a poetry—on the same night. At least, they were something like that.
And now, at age 19, I find myself at a similar juncture. With an underwhelming football career
fallen by the wayside and a personal vow to never willingly take a math or science class again, I‘m on the
brink of declaring as a Creative Writing major. (That sentence just sent chills down my parents‘ debt-
stricken necks). Most people find self-assurance and relief when they decide what they want to do with
their life. Me? All I can see writing for is what it‘s not.
A writer is not an astronaut. Children don‘t plan to spend the rest of their lives behind a keyboard
unless they‘re gifted pianists. Towns don‘t hold parades for writers when they return home from work,
unless you consider rush-hour traffic a parade. And writers will definitely never win keys to a city, unless,
of course, your name is Ernest Hemingway—and the odds of that are worse than you walking on the
moon.
But maybe those sorts of accolades and recognition aren‘t your cup of tea. Perhaps, there‘s no
room left on your mantel for a Pulitzer Prize medal, and the idea of making the New York Times
Bestseller List just isn‘t on your To-Do List. Writing is what you love to do. If you become critically
 McKinney 2

acclaimed, then that‘s just icing on the cake, you say. Your idealism is refreshing, but do you know what I
love?
Food.
And every study I‘ve seen has shown that each year more writers starve to death in their
Greenwich Village apartments than in any two third-world countries combined. I don‘t want to graduate
college five figures in debt, just to die alone on the cold floor of my unfurnished loft.
Where‘s the dignity in that?
What would class reunions be like? My old friends, who had undoubtedly become successful
stock-traders and computer engineers, would chat about the circumstances surrounding my death.
―What ever happened to McKinney?‖ the computer engineer would ask.
―Oh, you didn‘t hear about him, man? They found him sprawled out on the floor in his underwear
reaching for an empty bag of cat food,‖ the stock-trader would explain without irony.
―At least he didn‘t go out like Johnson. That dude was living off packets of coffee creamer for
weeks before he died.‖
So in the spirit of the Class of 2014 and those to follow, I extend the same advice given to me:
DO NOT BECOME A WRITER. Go fight fires, instead. Become a doctor, cure cancer.
Start training to be a competitive hotdog eater and spend fourth of Julys with Kobyashi and Joey
Chestnut. Start an online-dating website for the elderly. Be a record executive and sue the pants off of
anybody that‘s ever downloaded music illegally. Go produce a movie with the Coen brothers. Backpack
in the Andes with Mark Zuckerburg. Do anything, but be a writer.
Unfortunately, my warning will have not arrived soon enough to save the sea of twenty-
something‘s that decided to give it a go behind the ol‘ typewriter. Walk into a liberal arts school cafeteria
and ask a random table of students what their major is. The response from three of every four will be
―Creative Writing.‖ On campuses everywhere (read: liberal arts school campuses) the entranced eyeballs
of shaggy-haired storytellers are glued to $1,300 MacBook Pros ready to begin their next fairytale or
poem. It‘s too late for them, but it‘s not too late for you.
However, for anyone that has decided to throw away their life, I might start looking at apartments
on the Lower West Side soon. Any chance you might want to split rent?
 Johnston 1

Grounded
Katie Johnston

CHARACTERS

NICK
Fraternal twin brother of Brian. Agoraphobic. Turning thirty today. Hasn‘t left the house in four years.

BRIAN
Fraternal twin brother of Nick. Also turning thirty today. Local weatherman. Married for two years to
Maureen.

ELLIE
Older sister to Nick and Brian. Girlfriend to Ryan. Bitter and sarcastic, but holds a soft spot for NICK.

RYAN
Ellie‘s boyfriend. A big, muscular guy. He is desperately in love with Ellie, but has no idea how to show
her. A bit dim-witted.

MAUREEN
Brian‘s cheerful, ambitious wife. Anchorwoman at the local news station.

SETTING
The living room of a small house in Wisconsin, not far from an airport. A warm, well-decorated place on
the far right, there is a fireplace with a chair next to it, a couch across from it and a coffee table between
them. Off-stage to the left is a kitchen; off-stage to the right is a hallway. Characters enter and exit the
house via a door at the back of the stage and to the left. They throw their coats, sweaters, hats and scarves
onto a table by the door. Whenever the door is opened, heavy snowfall can be briefly seen.
 Johnston 2

ACT I

SCENE I
(BRIAN enters through the front door, wrapped up in coats,
sweaters, a hat, snow boots and gloves. NICK is sitting in the
chair by the fireplace, reading a newspaper.)

NICK
(Looks up)
Hey, you. Cold out?

BRIAN
(Stomps his snow boots on the doormat, then starts taking winter clothes off)
Oh, shut up. You wouldn‘t even know cold if you felt it.

NICK
That‘s not fair. I was cold once.

BRIAN
Sure you were.

NICK
Last year, the heater broke. For like an hour.

BRIAN
That must have been terrible for you. Besides that horrific incident, how‘ve you been?

NICK
(Shrugs)
The same. I try to keep my wild partying down to a minimum.

BRIAN
(Half-paying attention, looking out the window)
I hope Maureen makes it through this.

NICK
(Looks back down at his newspaper)
She‘s a big girl. Ellie‘s still coming, right?

BRIAN
Yeah. I think she‘s bringing that boyfriend of hers.

NICK
(Looks back up, concerned)
Boyfriend? Since when does she have a boyfriend?

BRIAN
(Shrugs)
Who knows.
 Johnston 3

NICK
(To himself, starting to breathe heavily)
Why didn‘t she tell me?

BRIAN
She didn‘t tell you?

NICK
(Agitated)
This is bullshit.

BRIAN
(Soothing)
Nick. Nick. It‘ll be alright. You‘ll have family here. It‘s just one guy. And I‘m sure he‘s… nice.

NICK
It doesn‘t matter if he‘s a good guy or a bloodthirsty lunatic; I just want to know who‘s going to be in my
house.
(Pause. Takes a deep breath)
Sorry.

BRIAN
Don‘t be. She should have told you.

NICK
(Sighs)
You‘re right. Just one guy. It‘ll be fine. Knowing Ellie, I‘m sure he‘s… lovelier than the Queen of
England.
(Glances at the door)
And anyway, they may never even make it here. This is the worst storm since, what, the 80s?

BRIAN
(Shrugs)
I don‘t know.

NICK
Aren‘t you supposed to know this stuff?

BRIAN
(Shrugs)
I just read what they put on the teleprompter.
NICK
You‘re the worst weatherman in the world.

BRIAN
No, there are worse. I know a guy in Kentucky who reported wrong on purpose once.

NICK
I thought you all reported wrong on purpose.

BRIAN
 Johnston 4

We‘re not evil geniuses.

NICK
You‘re right. That would require you to be geniuses.

(BRIAN smirks, finishing taking off his last sweater, then sighs, walking over and plopping down
on the couch. He grabs a magazine from the coffee table and starts flipping through it. NICK
smiles and looks back down at the newspaper for a second, then over into the fireplace.)

NICK
You know, I‘ve been thinking.

BRIAN
(Not looking up)
Oh, yeah? How‘s that working out for you?

NICK
I think I want to… try. You know. To get out.

BRIAN
(Puts down his magazine and stares at NICK)
Really?

NICK
Yeah. We‘re thirty years old today. I mean, look at what people have done long before our age. Kurt
Cobain made Nevermind. James Dean got nominated for an Oscar.

BRIAN
Yeah, and their lives only went uphill from there.

NICK
I‘m serious, Brian.

BRIAN
(Slowly)
How do you want to do it? I mean, you could hire an in-house therapist, or…

NICK
(Shaking his head)
No. I don‘t know. I just want to do it.

BRIAN
(Softly)
You‘ll need help.

NICK
I know.

BRIAN
 Johnston 5

I‘ll be here for you. Whatever happens. You know that, right?

NICK
Yeah. But don‘t… I mean, I don‘t want to be your stupid house-bound brother, you know? You‘ve got
your own life. You shouldn‘t be stuck worrying about me.

BRIAN
I‘m not stuck.

(Knock at the front door. BRIAN pauses for a moment, then gets up and walks over to open it.
NICK gets back to his newspaper. BRIAN opens to door to ELLIE, who comes in, wrapped up in
a coat, shivering.)

BRIAN
Ellie! You made it!

ELLIE
Yep. So did Ryan.

(RYAN comes in after ELLIE, over-bundled up. NICK looks up and stares at him.)

BRIAN
Hi, Ryan. Nice to meet you. I‘m Brian. Over there‘s Nick.

(RYAN looks at BRIAN and attempts to smile through very frozen features. He sticks out his
hand for a handshake but can barely move his arms in his thick coat. He then turns and
awkwardly waves to NICK.)

NICK
(Looks back down at his newspaper)
Ryan. Right.

BRIAN
Don‘t mind Mr. Friendly. Just throw your stuff over on the table.

ELLIE
(Turns to RYAN)
Did you get the box out of the car, Ryan?

(RYAN stares at ELLIE, then attempts to shake his head.)

ELLIE
Oh.
(Starts putting her coat back on)
I‘ll go grab it.

RYAN
(Stopping her, voice muffled by his scarf)
No, no, no, it‘s OK, sweetie. I‘ll go grab it.
 Johnston 6

ELLIE
(Smiles)
Thanks. Be careful of the ice.

(RYAN exits through the main door.)

BRIAN
So?

ELLIE
It‘s fucking cold. Couldn‘t you assholes have been born in the summer?

NICK
(Looks over at her)
Nice to see you too, Ellie.

ELLIE
I‘m going to come over there and hug you once I find my arms.

NICK
No rush. I‘m not going anywhere.
(Pause)
So. Ryan, was it?

ELLIE
(Stops taking off gear)
Nick. I‘m so, so sorry I didn‘t mention him. I just thought-

NICK
You could have called. I‘m pretty easy to get a hold of.

ELLIE
I know, I know. It was a dick move. It‘s just… I didn‘t think he was still going to… be here.

BRIAN
(Walks over and sits back on the couch)
A little soon to be murdering him, don‘t you think?

ELLIE
(Finally gets off her gloves and thick sweater and walks over to sit next to BRIAN, hitting him
playfully on the back of the head)
Not quite. I didn‘t think we‘d still be… together.

NICK
(Glances at BRIAN)
What‘s wrong with him?

ELLIE
He‘s just…
 Johnston 7

(Sighs).
You know how I‘m kind of into jerks?

BRIAN
Sure. That‘s how I know you prefer Nick.

NICK
Don‘t be jealous.

ELLIE
Well, Ryan, he‘s… he‘s not like the other guys I‘ve dated. He does this thing where he just really, really
likes me, you know?

BRIAN
Your relationships just get healthier and healthier, don‘t they?

ELLIE
It‘s kind of like how Mom and Dad used to be, remember? How sometimes he‘d just randomly bring her
roses?

BRIAN
Yeah. She was allergic to flowers. He only did that when they were fighting.

ELLIE
But still. Every time I try to dump Ryan he just does something really stupid and nice. Like make me
macaroni and cheese or agree to go a whole day without using the word ―awesome‖.

NICK
Sounds awesome. So, you‘re just going to keep him forever?

ELLIE
No way. That‘s why I can only stop by. He‘s flying out to California in a couple of hours. And once he
gets there, I‘ll… call him and tell him.

BRIAN
Ouch.

NICK
Jeez.

ELLIE
You know me. I don‘t know what to do when people like me. This is the only way I can do it, I swear.
Otherwise he‘ll get all adorable and try to win me back. You can block people on the phone. It‘s too hard
in real life. At least without a court order. Or a bodyguard. On my salary, I can‘t afford either.

NICK
What‘s he doing in California?

ELLIE
He‘s got a brother out there who got him tickets to some big movie premiere.
 Johnston 8

NICK
Fancy.

BRIAN
If he even makes it out there.

ELLIE
What do you mean?

BRIAN
I‘m not sure the airport will be flying people out in this weather.

ELLIE
(Desperately)
Oh, God. They have to.

(RYAN re-enters, a wrapped box in his arms.)

ELLIE
(Calls over to RYAN)
Thanks, hon!

(RYAN makes a muffled sound through his scarf and sets the present down on the table, then
starts attempting, clumsily, to take off his winter gear.)

BRIAN
(Looking over at the box)
One present for the both of us? Lame.

ELLIE
(Turns back to BRIAN next to her on the couch)
Oh, I just got something for Nick. Why, is it your birthday, too?

BRIAN
(Sarcastically)
Ha-ha.

ELLIE
(to NICK)
The sad thing is, he really thinks I‘m joking.

BRIAN
This better not be like that year you and Dad got him a Nintendo and just bought me Donkey Kong.

ELLIE
Oh, quit your whining. So, is Maureen coming?

BRIAN
 Johnston 9

Hopefully. She was still making a birthday cake when I left this morning. Said she‘d come over once she
finished.

NICK
(Making a face)
She didn‘t have to make us a cake.

BRIAN
Well, you know, she‘s Maureen.

NICK
Oh, yes.
(Raises his eyebrows)
Yes. I know.

BRIAN
Be nice to her.

NICK
(Innocently)
When am I ever not nice?

BRIAN
(Giving NICK a warning look)
I‘m gonna go call her, see if she can make it alright through this semi-apocalypse.
(Gets cell phone out of pocket and walks into the hall, offstage right)

NICK
You two want anything to drink? Coke? Diet coke? Hot chocolate? Hard liquor?

ELLIE
I‘m alright for now. It‘s too cold for liquor.

NICK
Tell that to the Russians.
(Pause. Then, hesitant.)
How about you, Ryan?

(RYAN is finally down to his last sweater. He is panting a little bit from the effort of taking his
off his extra layers. He gets the sweater off and comes to join ELLIE on the couch.)

RYAN
No, I‘m OK, I‘m watching my carbs. But thanks.

NICK
Suit yourselves. I‘m going to party like it‘s my birthday.

(NICK gets up and walks to the kitchen. RYAN sits down on the couch.)

ELLIE
(in low tones, to RYAN)
 Johnston 10

There‘s something I didn‘t mention to you about Nick. I didn‘t think it would come up, but… just in case.

RYAN
(Serious)
He doesn‘t raise bees, does he?

ELLIE
(Caught off-guard)
What? No. No, he doesn‘t raise bees.

RYAN
(With relief)
OK, good. I‘m allergic. What is it, then?

ELLIE
He‘s…
(glances back at the kitchen)
He‘s an agorophobe.

RYAN
(Shocked)
He‘s afraid of water? Oh, man, that‘s got to be terrible. I had a cousin who was afraid of water. Either that
or he just didn‘t bathe much-

ELLIE
(Interrupting, slowly)
A-gor-o-phobe, Ry. It means he‘s afraid of places that are… open. Crowded. Have people he doesn‘t
know in them.

RYAN
Oh.

ELLIE
He hasn‘t left the house in four years now.

RYAN
Wow. How does he…

ELLIE
He gets by. Orders stuff online. Works from home.

RYAN
How did he get like that?

ELLIE
His psychiatrist told him it‘s panic disorder. He was always kind of a nervous kid. Didn‘t really like
getting out much. And then when we were sixteen he started getting these really bad panic attacks. He
was really embarrassed, and since he only got them when he left the house, he started (cont’d) leaving
less and less. And then, four years ago, after he‘d moved out here, he just stopped leaving altogether.

RYAN
 Johnston 11

Jeez. I‘ve never heard of that without the ankle monitor.

ELLIE
(With exasperation)
Anyway, I just thought you should know. I come over here every year for his and Brian‘s birthday.

RYAN
(Smiles, putting his hand on ELLIE‘s knee)
Guess I‘ll get used to it, then.

(ELLIE smiles awkwardly. NICK comes back from the kitchen with a Coke.)

NICK
So, Ryan. How long have you been courting my gracious sister? (RYAN stares at him blankly) How long
have you been dating?

RYAN
Oh. About three months, I guess.

(RYAN squeezes ELLIE‘s knee. ELLIE looks at him, bewildered.)

NICK
How‘d you meet?

RYAN
At the gym where I work.

ELLIE
It hasn‘t been three months.

RYAN
Sure it has, sweetie. Our first date was on the third, you remember?

ELLIE
(Furrows her brow, then, with realization)
That wasn‘t a date, Ryan. I fell off the treadmill and you took me to the hospital.

RYAN
I thought it was romantic.

ELLIE
(Mumbles)
Nothing more romantic than a mild concussion.

RYAN
(to NICK)
But I‘m really excited to finally meet her family.

ELLIE
(Quickly)
 Johnston 12

Who just happens to live on the way to the airport.

(BRIAN re-enters the room from the hallway stage left, still on his cell phone.)

BRIAN
(To NICK)
Hey, which number is your house?

NICK
Fourteen.

BRIAN
Right.
(Into the phone)
Honey, I think you‘re next door.

NICK
She could stay there if she wants. The Robinsons love cake.

BRIAN
(Glares at NICK)
Okay. Okay. See you in a sec.
(Shuts his cell phone.)
I told you to be nice.

NICK
What? It doesn‘t count if she‘s not here yet.

BRIAN
Oh, come on. Just because she didn‘t invite you to our wedding-

NICK
Who doesn‘t invite their future husband‘s twin brother to their wedding?

BRIAN
She just knew you weren‘t going to come!

NICK
(Sulks, mumbling)
Never heard of ―it‘s the thought that counts‖?

BRIAN
(Starts putting on his coat)
I‘ll go help her carry in the cake. Make sure she doesn‘t fall and die. You should really scrape the ice off
of those sidewalks.

NICK
(Sarcastically)
Yeah, I‘ll get right on that.

RYAN
 Johnston 13

(to BRIAN)
You need some help?

BRIAN
That would be great, actually.

ELLIE
(Getting up)
Oh, no. Ryan, you stay inside.

RYAN
But I want to help.

ELLIE
(Goes to the door and starts donning winter gear)
I know you do, but your status as a Californian means you‘re not so good with ice and snow.
(Raises an eyebrow at BRIAN)
Once he started to slip on an icy sidewalk, so he kept his arms by his side instead of using them to break
his fall. Said that‘s how he saw penguins do it on TV.

RYAN
But it worked.

ELLIE
Yeah, because I was behind you and you landed on top of me.

(A pause as ELLIE and BRIAN get their coats on and walk outside through the main door,
leaving RYAN and NICK alone together.)

NICK
(Slowly)
Sorry about… earlier. I‘m not always so good with… new people.

RYAN
It‘s okay. Ellie told me about the… aerophobia.

NICK
I think that one‘s fear of flying, but close enough.

(Pause. Awkward silence.)

RYAN
So. You‘re Brian‘s twin, huh?

NICK
Yep.

RYAN
Always been?
 Johnston 14

NICK
Have I always been my brother‘s twin? Huh.
(With gravitas)
No one‘s ever asked me that before. For as long as I can remember, yes.

RYAN
Okay. Cool.
(Pause)
You and Ellie are close, right?

NICK
Yeah. I mean, she makes it down here when she can. Guess I‘m not exactly easy to reach if you‘re not in
the area.

RYAN
I was wondering if you could… give me some advice on something.

NICK
(Quizzically)
Alright. Shoot.

RYAN
(Shifts around and gets a piece of paper out of his back pocket)
So, I‘m going back to California to see my brother.

NICK
I heard.

RYAN
And I thought… well, I really like Ellie, so…
(Shows NICK the pieces of paper)

NICK
(Takes a moment to comprehend)
You… got her a plane ticket?

RYAN
Yeah. To go with me. It‘s just, like, sometimes, I‘m not really sure how she feels about me. I mean, I‘m
crazy about her, but, you know…

NICK
(Nods)
She‘s Ellie.

RYAN
Yeah. Yeah. And so I thought… we could spend some time together somewhere else and…

NICK
(Motions to the tickets)
 Johnston 15

She doesn‘t know about this at all?

RYAN
No. It‘s a surprise. I was going to give her the ticket at the airport. I already packed her an extra bag.

NICK
(Uncomfortably)
Have you really thought about this, Ryan? Just… springing this on her?

RYAN
I thought it would be romantic.

NICK
Well.
(Pause)
I mean, your plane might not even be able to take off in this storm.

(BRIAN and ELLIE come back in, with MAUREEN trailing behind, holding several large
stacked Tupperware containers.)

MAUREEN
(Muffled)
Happy birthday, Nick!

NICK
(Not as excited)
Hey, Maureen.

(MAUREEN puts the Tupperware containers down on the table and starts taking off her winter
clothes, along with ELLIE and BRIAN.)

MAUREEN
So, anything special planned for this year?

NICK
(Looking at RYAN)
No, but you never know what‘ll come up.

MAUREEN
I brought cake and some cookies. Ellie, dear, could you help set everything out in the kitchen?

ELLIE
(Unexcited)
Sure, Maureen.

(ELLIE goes into the kitchen. MAUREEN and BRIAN join RYAN and NICK in the living room.)

RYAN
(to MAUREEN)
Wait, I recognize you from somewhere.
 Johnston 16

MAUREEN
(Smiles)
Probably from TV. I‘m an anchor with the local news.

RYAN
Right!
(Points at Brian)
And you‘re the weather guy!

BRIAN
(Dryly)
Yes, I‘m very important. If I don‘t report that it‘s snowing, then no one will know.

RYAN
Sometimes I see you guys on the screens at the gym. People usually ask for the remote so they can
switch it over to Food Network, though.

MAUREEN
(In a low voice to BRIAN)
Have you said anything to him about it yet?

BRIAN
(In a low voice back)
No, I… there‘s something I need to-

MAUREEN
Hey, Nick, there‘s something Brian and I need to talk to you about. I know it‘s not a great time to
mention it, since it‘s your birthday and all-

BRIAN
(Interrupting in a low tone)
Honey, I‘m not sure-

MAUREEN
- but it‘s about our moving to Chicago.

NICK
(Pause)
Chicago?

RYAN
But, wait, who would do the news?

BRIAN
(Hurriedly)
Nothing‘s set in stone yet, Nick, but-

MAUREEN
(Interrupting)
–but we‘ve been talking about this for a while.
 Johnston 17

NICK
A while?

BRIAN
Yeah. Well, Maureen got offered a job as an anchorwoman at WBBM.

MAUREEN
Ever since that last anchorwoman had that thing with that helicopter and that cheetah.

BRIAN
And, you know, it‘s a great opportunity for her, and I‘ve been looking into any sorts of… weather…
things that they have out there.

NICK
I‘ve heard rumor that they have weather in Chicago.

BRIAN
But, I mean, I know that you… you‘re making some big steps this year-

MAUREEN
What steps?

BRIAN
That‘s what I was going to tell you, Maurie. Nick‘s-

NICK
(Interrupting)
It‘s nothing. Don‘t worry about it.

BRIAN
No, but it‘s-

NICK
(Interrupting)
It‘s fine. It‘s something I can do on my own.

MAUREEN
(To NICK)
So, what do you think?

(ELLIE steps out of the kitchen, large knife and cake.)

ELLIE
Cake‘s ready! Candles are in place! There are thirty of these bad boys, so we better hurry or I might burn
this place down.

NICK
(To ELLIE, but still looking at BRIAN)
Please avoid doing that.
 Johnston 18

ELLIE
I can‘t make any promises.

(ELLIE comes into the living room with the cake, candles lit, carrying it over to the coffee table.)

ALL
(Singing)
Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear-
(some awkwardly say Nick-and-Brian and others say Brian-and-Nick)
Happy birthday to you!

(ELLIE sets the cake on the coffee table in the middle of the living room. NICK gets up from his
chair and stands on the opposite side of the cake from BRIAN. They look at each other, obviously
a bit wary and uncomfortable, and blow out the candles. Everyone else cheers.)

MAUREEN
What did you wish for, hon?

BRIAN
A dozen more years of living in Wisconsin.
(Laughs. MAUREEN stares at him.)
What? It was a joke, Maureen.

(RYAN‘s phone rings. He fumbles with it for a moment and walks off into the hallway to answer.)

RYAN
(into the phone)
Hello? What? What do you mean? Well, when will it-
(Walks into the hallway stage right, voice trailing off.)

ELLIE
(Dejectedly)
Oh, man. I hope that‘s not his flight.

BRIAN
(Seriously)
Maureen, we need to talk.

NICK
Ellie, we need to talk.

MAUREEN
Not now. Someone needs to cut the cake.

ELLIE
I grabbed the giant knife for exactly that purpose.
(Bends down to start cutting the cake)

BRIAN
 Johnston 19

Oh, good. I was scared for a second.

(RYAN comes back into the room, looking flustered.)

RYAN
They said my plane is grounded.

ELLIE
(Stands up quickly, cake-covered knife in hand)
What? For how long?

RYAN
Indubitably.

ELLIE
You mean indefinitely?

RYAN
Yeah, that.

ELLIE
Damn it.

RYAN
Well, guess it means I‘ll get to spend some more time with you.
(RYAN smiles at ELLIE. She winces back.)

NICK
(To MAUREEN and BRIAN)
You guys have really been thinking about this for a while?

BRIAN
(Sheepish)
I know I should have told you, but-

NICK
No, it‘s alright. I mean, you don‘t have to tell me everything.

BRIAN
No, I mean, I should‘ve-

NICK
Brian. It‘s alright. I want you and Maureen to go to Chicago.

(Simultaneously) MAUREEN BRIAN

Great! No.

MAUREEN
(Looking warily at BRIAN)
Brian, what do you mean?
 Johnston 20

BRIAN
We can do Chicago later, Maureen. For right now I don‘t- I don‘t want to leave Nick alone.

NICK
It‘s fine, Brian. I can take care of myself.

BRIAN
I know that. Of course I know that. But- if you‘re going to try getting out this year, then-

ELLIE
(Suddenly stops cutting the cake)
You‘re going to what?

NICK
Yeah. Four years is long enough. This year, I want to- I want to try it.

ELLIE
Oh my God, Nick.
(Puts the knife down, goes over and hugs him)
I‘m here for you. No matter what, I‘m here, you got it?

NICK
(Muffled through the hug)
Yeah. And thanks for putting down the knife.

(ELLIE goes back to cutting the cake)

BRIAN
Nick, you‘re my twin. We‘ve been through everything together. I should be here for this.

NICK
I know you want to, but that doesn‘t mean you have to. I mean, I‘ve got Ellie. With all of her- um, loving
and… you know, compassion.

ELLIE
You may notice that I have the knife in my hand again.
MAUREEN
(In low tones)
Brian. We talked about this. We‘ve put it off long enough.

BRIAN
I know. But… I want to be here to help Nick. Whether he needs me or not.

MAUREEN
Yeah. You‘ve always just wanted to be here to help Nick.

BRIAN
Sweetie-

MAUREEN
(Interrupts)
 Johnston 21

No, it‘s fine. You want to stay so bad, then we‘ll stay.

BRIAN
Okay. You sure about that?

MAUREEN
(Restrained)
It‘s fine.
(Forces a smile)
Why wouldn‘t it be fine?

(ELLIE finishes cutting the cake. She passes out pieces on plates. Everyone sits down.)

NICK
So, Ryan. What did the airline say about your tickets?

RYAN
I don‘t know. This sucks, the premiere is tonight, I don‘t know if I can get two more plane seats in time.

ELLIE
Two seats? For the last time, Ryan, you‘re just big-boned-

RYAN
Uh, actually, one of them is for you.
(ELLE freezes as RYAN gets the tickets out.)
I was going to make it a surprise, but… I got you a ticket, too. I even got you a suitcase packed in the car.

ELLIE
(Shocked)
A suitcase? Packed? With… clothes?
(RYAN nods.)
To… California?
(RYAN nods.)
With… you?

RYAN
(Nods, enthusiastically)
I thought it would be good for us to, you know, get away together. Somewhere warm. You can meet the
Hartnetts.

ELLIE
Your last name is Hartnett?

RYAN
Yeah. Wait, you didn‘t know that?

MAUREEN
(Jokingly)
This brother of yours wouldn‘t happen to be named Josh, would he?
 Johnston 22

RYAN
Yeah.

MAUREEN
(Freezes)
Oh. Oh my God. Your brother is the Josh Hartnett?

ELLIE
Ryan, this is really sweet, but…

RYAN
(Grabs her hand, gets down on one knee)
I love you. Please come with me. I‘ve got it all lined up – we can go to a spa and get covered in green
mud, and we can go to the beach and lie down in the sand, and then we can go to my favorite Indian
place-

ELLIE
(Jerks him back upright)
That doesn‘t sound as pleasant as you think it does.

RYAN
I did all of this for you.

ELLIE
(Unsure)
I-

MAUREEN
I love Josh Hartnett.

ELLIE
(Distracted)
Maureen, is this the best time-

NICK
Who the hell is Josh Hartnett?

MAUREEN
(Breathing hard)
I- I can‘t believe. You‘re his brother. I love Josh.

ELLIE
(Annoyed)
Fantastic, Maureen, but-

MAUREEN
(Suddenly)
If you don‘t go, I will.
 Johnston 23

(ELLIE, RYAN, BRIAN and NICK turn to MAUREEN, startled.)

BRIAN
Say what now?

MAUREEN
I‘m sorry, babe, I just- I need to get away for a while and- and- I love Josh Hartnett.

BRIAN
You‘re a twenty-nine year old woman! Is this why you watched Pearl Harbor a thousand times? I
thought you were a history buff! And since when do you have time for a vacation?

MAUREEN
(Hesitating)
Brian, there‘s something I didn‘t tell you.

BRIAN
Besides the fact that you‘re willing to run off with the first guy who- who offers to cover you in green
mud and introduce you to movie stars?

MAUREEN
I- I may have already taken the job.

BRIAN
You mean… the WBBM job?

MAUREEN
Yeah. I quit the station last week. I just assumed- as your wife, I assumed you would want to come with
me.
(Pause)
I‘m almost thirty years old. I‘ve never taken a day off in my life. Just always working, always trying to
get a better job, be a better anchor- and this job is going to be harder than ever. The stress of that plus the
stress of… of us… I need to do something different. To help me think. And maybe going to California
would give me time to think.

BRIAN
Wait. To think?

NICK
You can think in Wisconsin. Sometimes.

BRIAN
Are you… Maureen, are you leaving me? On my birthday?

MAUREEN
No. No, of course not. I just- I mean, if Ellie doesn‘t want this ticket-

RYAN
 Johnston 24

(Interrupting)
But Ellie does want this ticket. Right, El?

ELLIE
(Wrestles her hand away from RYAN‘s)
I‘m sorry, Ryan, but I can‘t.

RYAN
Is it because of Josh?

ELLIE
No, this is not about Josh Hartnett. Huh, never thought that sentence would be something I‘d end up
saying in my life. But… Ryan, honestly, I was waiting until you went to California to… to tell you that…
I can‘t see you anymore.

RYAN
Not seeing me… because I‘m far away?
ELLIE
Not seeing you because… I don‘t want to be with you.

NICK
(Under his breath)
Fun party.

RYAN
Well- I- Maureen, do you really want to come to California with me?

BRIAN
I don‘t know how they do it in California, Ryan, but in Wisconsin, it‘s less than cool to steal someone‘s
wife. Especially when you just met her. Maureen, you‘re not really considering this, are you? We can
work this out. We‘ll figure out something, I- I don‘t know, maybe- I don‘t know.

MAUREEN
Right now, there‘s nothing for me here.

NICK
Hey, don‘t knock here. I‘m pretty fond of it.

RYAN
(Gets up, putting unfinished cake on the coffee table)
Well. There‘s no reason for me to stay any longer either.
(Indicates MAUREEN)
We don‘t need your big stupid cheese state anyway, do we?
(Goes over to the door and begins putting on winter gear, quickly)
Oh, and Ellie, I‘ll put your suitcase by the front door. There‘s nothing but a bikini and Ritz crackers in it
anyway.

ELLIE
You were planning on taking me to California with nothing but a bikini and Ritz crackers? You know
what? Yeah. You should pretty much definitely go without me.
 Johnston 25

MAUREEN
(Stands up)
I‘m sorry, Brian.
(Leans over and kisses him on the cheek)
I promise, I‘ll be back. I just can‘t be here right now. I‘ll see you in a few days.

(MAUREEN joins RYAN at the door, quickly grabs her winter stuff, wrapping her scarf around
her neck)

BRIAN
Maureen, wait, I –
MAUREEN
We‘ll talk about it when I get back, okay? Bye, Brian.

RYAN
Bye, Ellie.

ELLIE
You can keep the Ritz crackers.

NICK
Can I have them? Only if they‘re the cheesy kind.

(RYAN and MAUREEN exit through the main door. NICK, BRIAN and ELLIE are still sitting in
the living room, BRIAN and ELLIE on the couch, both looking stunned, and NICK in the
armchair, eating his cake like nothing has happened. )

BRIAN
I… I don‘t even… what just happened?

ELLIE
Jeez. I‘m so sorry, Brian.

BRIAN
All of this because I won‘t go to… to stupid Chicago.

NICK
(Serious)
Brian. Listen to me. I know you don‘t want to go right now, but you‘re just going to regret it later. I
mean… just because Maureen isn‘t quite my… my style doesn‘t mean that I don‘t think you two should
be together. A woman who‘s stayed in Wisconsin for you this long is a woman worth keeping. And I
meant what I said before. You should go. Not just for Maureen, but… but for you. If I‘m getting out, then
you should, too.

BRIAN
This is a big step for you.

NICK
I know. For both of us.
 Johnston 26

BRIAN
I just… I don‘t want to be gone when it happens.

NICK
I‘m going to make sure it happens whether you‘re here or not.
BRIAN
You‘re-

NICK
(Interrupts)
Yeah. I‘m sure.

BRIAN
(Pause. Gets up.)
I‘ll give you a call later.

ELLIE
Where are you going?

BRIAN
(Walks to the door)
The airport.

NICK
This is kind of exciting. Are you going to do that thing where you run up and kiss her at the gate?

BRIAN
You really do need to get out more.

ELLIE
Hey. Don‘t die on the roads.

BRIAN
(Putting on winter clothes)
I won‘t. Could you imagine the headline? ―Weatherman Killed by Weather.‖

(BRIAN exits through the main door.)

ELLIE
(Takes a deep breath)
Wow.

NICK
(Sarcastically sing-songy)
Happy birthday to me.

ELLIE
(Chuckles)
Yeah.
 Johnston 27

NICK
Hey, what‘s that box you brought?

ELLIE
Oh.
(Gets up, goes and gets it off of the table)
Your present. It‘s just-
(hands it to him)
Here. Open it.

(NICK opens the box while ELLIE watches. He pulls out a long, clear tube with a tray on the
bottom. He looks at it and then ELLIE, quizzically.)

ELLIE
It‘s a bird feeder.

NICK
Oh. Uh, thanks.
(Turns it around, inspecting it)
Super helpful for around the house.

ELLIE
I thought it would… I don‘t know. Give you some motivation to go out and put it up. You‘ve got that big
oak in the back, and maybe once the sky isn‘t falling anymore…

NICK
(Smiling)
Thanks, Ellie.

ELLIE
You‘re welcome.

NICK
(Pauses)
Ellie. Could you help me out?

ELLIE
Sure. With what?

NICK
No, I mean… could you help me out?

ELLIE
(Pauses)
Are you sure you‘re ready?

NICK
No, but… I want to try.

ELLIE
What if you, you know… panic?
 Johnston 28

NICK
Then I‘ll come back in. And tomorrow I‘ll try again.

ELLIE
Okay. But if it works and you immediately freeze to death, I‘m gonna be mad.

(ELLIE and NICK get up. They both walk to the door. ELLIE starts to put her winter gear on.)

NICK
Oh, is it cold out?

BLACKOUT