It was well for me, as I have since thought, that I was so maimed, as made me the longer

before I got to the water; for this gave me some reflection, and abated that liveliness of my
passions, which possible might otherwise have hurried me, in my first transport of grief, (on my
seeing no way to escape, and the hard usage I had reason to expect from my dreadful keepers) to
throw myself in without consideration; but my weakness of body made me move so slowly, that
it gave time for a little reflection, a ray of grace, to dart in upon my benighted mind; and so,
when I came to the pond-side, I sat myself down on the sloping bank, and began to ponder my
wretched condition: and thus I reasoned with myself.
Pause here a little, Pamela, on what thou art about, before thou takest the dreadful leap,
and consider whether there be no way yet left, no hope, if not to escape from this wicked house,
yet from the mischiefs threatened thee in it.
I then considered, and after I had cast about in my mind, every thing that could make me
hope, and saw no probability; a wicked woman devoid of all compassion! A horrid helper just
arrived in this dreadful Colbrand! An angry and resenting master, who now hated me, and
threatened the most afflicting evils! And, that I should, in all probability, be deprived even of the
opportunity I now had before me, to free myself from all their persecutions—What hast thou to
do, distressed creature,” said I to myself, “but throw thyself upon a merciful God, (who knows
how innocently I suffer) to avoid the merciless wickedness of those who are determined on my
ruin?
And then thought I, (and Oh! That thought was surely of the devil’s instigation; for it was
very soothing and powerful with me) “these wicked wretches, who now have no remorse, no pity
on me, will then be moved to lament their misdoings; and when they see the dead corpse of the
unhappy Pamela dragged out to these slopy banks, and lying breathless at their feel, they will
find that remorse to wring their obdurate hearts, which now has no place there!—And my
master, my angry master, will then forget his resentments, and say, O this in the unhappy
Pamela! That I have so causelessly persecuted and destroyed! Now do I see she preferred her
honesty to her life, will he say, and is no hypocrite, nor deceiver; but really was the innocent
creature she pretended to be! Then, thinks I, will he, perhaps, she a few tears over the poor
course of his persecuted servant; and, tho’ he may give out, it was love and disappointment, and
that too, (in order to hide his own guilt) for the unfortunate Mr. Williams, perhaps, yet will he be
inwardly grieved, and order me a decent funeral, and save me, or rather this part of me, from the
dreadful stake, and the highway interment; and the young men and maidens all around my dear
father’s, will pity poor Pamela; but O! I hope I shall not be the subject of their ballads and
elegies; but that my memory, for the sake of my dear father and mothers, may quickly slide into
oblivion!
I was once rising, so indulgent was I to this sad way of thinking, to throw myself in: But
again, my bruises made me slow; and I thought, What are thou about to do, wretched Pamela?
How knowest thou, tho’ the prospect be all dark to thy short-sighted eye, what God may do for
thee, even when all human means fail? God Almighty would not lay me under these sore
afflictions, if he had not given me strength to grapple with them, if I will exert it as I ought: And
who knows, but that the very presence I so much dread, of my angry and designing master, (for
he has had me in his power before, and yet I have escaped) may be better for me, than these
persecuting emissaries of his, who, for his money, are true to their wicked trust, and are hardened
by that, and a long habit of wickedness, against compunction of heart? God can touch his heart in
an instant; and if this should not be done, I can then but put an end to my life, by some other
means, if I am so resolved.
But how do I know, thought I, that even these bruises and maims that I have gotten, while
I pursued only the laudable escape I had meditated, may not kindly furnish me with the
opportunity I now am tempted to precipitate myself upon, and of surrendering up my life,
spotless and unguilty, to that merciful being who gave it!
Then, thought I, who gave thee, presumptuous as thou art, a power over thy life? Who
authorized thee to put an end to it, when the weakness of thy mind suggests not to thee a way to
preserve it with honour? How knowest thou what purposes God may have to serve, by the trials
with which thou art now tempted? Art thou to put a bound to God’s will, and to say, thus much
will I bear, and no more? And, wilt thou dare to say, that if the trial be augmented, and
continued, thou wilt sooner die than bear it?
This act of despondency, thought I, is a sin, that, if I pursue it, admits of no repentance,
and can therefore claim no forgiveness.—And wilt thou, for shortening thy transitory griefs,
heavy as they are, and weak as thou fanciest thyself, plunge both body and soul into everlasting
misery? Hitherto, Pamela, though I, thou are the innocent, the suffering Pamela; and wilt thou be
the guilty aggressor? And, because wicked men persecute thee, wilt thou fly in the face of the
almighty, and bid defiance to his grace and goodness, who can still turn all these sufferings to
they benefits? And how do I know, but that God, who sees all the lurking vileness of my heart,
may not have permitted these sufferings on that very score, and to make me rely solely on his
grace and assistance, who perhaps have too much prided myself in a vain dependence on my
own foolish contrivances? Then again, thought I, wilt thou suffer in one moment all the good
lessons of thy poor honest parents, and the benefit of their example, (who have persisted in doing
their duty with resignation to the divine will, amidst the extremest degrees of disappointment,
poverty and distress, and the persecutions of an ingrateful world, and merciless creditors) to be
thrown away upon thee; and bring down, as in all probability this thy rashness will, their grey
hairs with sorrow to the grave, when they shall understand that their beloved daughter, slighting
the tenders of divine grace, desponding in the mercies of a gracious God, has blemished, in this
last act, a whole life, which they had hitherto approved and delighted in?
What then, presumptuous Pamela, dost thou here, thought I? Quit with speed these guilty
banks, and flee from these dashing waters, that even in their sounding murmurs, this still night,
reproach thy rashness! Tempt not God’s goodness on the mossy banks, that have been witnesses
of thy guilty intentions; and while thou hast power left thee, avoid the tempting evil, lest thy
grand enemy, now repulsed by divine grace, and due reflection, return to the charge with a force
that thy weakness may not be able to resist! And lest one rash moment destroy all the
convictions, which now have awed thy rebellious mind into duty and resignation to the divine
will!
And so saying, I arose; but was so stiff with my hurts, so cold with the moist dew of the
night, and the wet banks on which I had sat, as also the damps arising from so large a piece of
water, that with great pain I got from the banks of this pond, which now I think of with terror;
and bending my limping steps towards the house, refuged myself in the corner of an out-house,
where wood and coals are laid up for family use, till I should be found by my cruel keepers, and
consigned to a wretched confinement, and worse usage than I had hitherto experienced; and there
behind a pile of firewood I crept, and lay down, and you may imagine, with a mind just broken,
and a heart sensible to nothing but the extremest woe and dejection.

Richardson, Samuel. “Pamela.” Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2001.