Fundamentals of a happy marriage

by Shahina Siddiqui

Faith:

The most basic and essential attribute of a Muslim marriage is the common faith thatbinds the couple.Since Islam is a way of life and not just a religion confined to weekly worship it becomes anintegral part of a Muslim's life. The frame of reference shared by the couple easescommunication and sharing of values which is not possible in an interfaith marriage. It ishighly recommended that faith play an important role in the developing a loving relationship.For example, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, that when ahusband feeds his wife, he gets a reward for this act and Allah increases the bond of lovebetween them. So when we love each other for the sake of Allah WE ACTUALLY INCREASE OURFAITH.

Forgiving:

When the Prophet Muhammad asked his Companions ‘do you wish that Allah shouldforgive you' they said, of course O Prophet of Allah. He responded, ‘then forgive each other'.One of the main components of a happy marriage is that the spouses are able to forgive, thatthey do not hold grudges or act judgmental towards each other. It is expected that when welive with someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or doing things that hurt ourspouses. The challenge is not to dwell on it or lay blame but to move past it. This can onlyhappen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not stingy to forgive.If we expect Allah to forgive us than we must learn to forgive.

Forget:

When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they let us down or hurt uswe have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the past must be left there and not beused as fresh ammunition in new situations. Couples who use this technique usually fall in arut and become victims of their own pettiness, unable to break free.

Forbearance:

Sabr (patience) is the most useful tool to have in managing a healthy lifestyle.Being patient and forbearing puts us in a proactive frame of mind it brings us closer to Allahthrough Tawakul and reliance .We develop an inner mechanism that empowers us to handlelife's difficult moments. As Allah states in Surah al-Asr: "Surely by time humans are at loss,except those who believe and do righteous deeds and counsel each other to the truth andcounsel each other to Sabr' (Quran, chapter 103).

Flexible:

Many couples unnecessarily make themselves miserable because they are unwillingto bend a little.We should not expect our spouses to be our extensions. They are their own selves withpersonalities, likes and dislikes. We must respect their right to be them selves as long as it

does not compromise their Deen (religion). Being inflexible and not accommodating forindividual differences leads to a very stressful and tense home atmosphere.

Friendship:

This aspect of marriage has three components.First is to develop a friendship with our spouses. The relationship based on friendship is moreable to withstand outside pressures.We honor, trust, respect, accept and care for our friends, in spite of our differences. Theseare the aspects of friendship we should bring to our marriages.Unfortunately the only aspect that people think of bringing to their marriage which is highlyinappropriate is the buddy scenario. Shariah (Islamic law) has placed the husband in aleadership role within a family. This requires a certain decorum, which cannot be maintainedif the spouses consider each other as pals.This should not be taken to mean that husband is a dictator but a shepherd who is responsiblefor and to his flock. This is a position of grave responsibility and places an enormous burdenon the husband. Further more the children need to see their parents as friends but not as palsas this encourages disrespect.Friendly:

Second aspect of friendship is to have friendly relations with in-laws. When couplescompete as to whose parents are more important it becomes a constant source of grief. Muchvaluable time is wasted trying to convince, one another of whose parents are most desirable.It is better if we accept, that our spouses will not overnight fall in love with our parents justbecause we want them to. As long as they maintain friendly relations that are cordial andbased on mutual respect we should not force the issue.Friends: The third aspect of friendship is our circle of friends. It is okay to have individualfriends of the same gender but couples must also make effort to have family friends so thatthey can socialize together. If there is friction being caused by a certain friendship it must notbe pursued at the expense of the marriage. Prophet Muhammad advised us to choose Godfearing people as friends since we tend to follow their way. Friends should be a source of joyand not mischief.

Fun:

Couples that do not laugh together have to work on sharing some fun times. The Prophetwas known to play with his wives. A simple walk in the park can add much spark to therelationship. Taking up a sport together or watching clean funny movies is another way of sharing a laugh.

Faithful:

It is commanded by Allah that we be faithful to our spouses. Adultery is a capitalcrime in Islam that is punishable by death. However there are various forms of unfaithfulbehavior prevalent among some Muslims.The most common form is maintaining friendships with the opposite sex over the boundariesset by Islam, and the misgivings of the spouse. The latest trend of Internet relationships isalso contrary to Islamic Adab (etiquette) and is causing serious problems between couples.Once a sense of betrayal sets in, repairing that relationship is difficult. Another form of not

being faithful is when couples betray confidences. This is a trust issue and one whencompromised eats away at the heart of a marriage.

Fair:

Usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to not play fair. We try toconvince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is okay to be unjust in our behaviorand our statements. Allah states in the Quran do not be unjust under any circumstances, evenif they be your enemy, and here we are talking about our life partners and the parent of ourchildren. To use words such as "never" and "always" when describing the behavior of thepartner is unfair and puts the other on the defensive.

Finance:

One of the most common points of contention in marriages is money. Experts tell usthat 80 percent of marital conflicts are about money.It is therefore highly recommended that the couple put serious time and effort in developinga financial management plan that is mutually agreeable and is reviewed every six months orso. Preparing a budget together is also a helpful and wise way to handling household finances.It should be remembered that the wife's money in Islam is hers to do with as she pleases andtherefore should not be considered family income unless she chooses to contribute it to thefamily

Family:

Parenting can be a stressful experience if the parents are not well informed. This inturn can put extra pressure on the marriage.Sometimes couples are naive about the changes that come in the lifestyle. This can cause insome cases depression and in some resentment and misunderstandings. One golden rule thatmust always be the guide is; that family comes first.Whenever there is evidence that the family is not happy or not our first priority it is time toassemble at the kitchen table and discuss with open hearts and mind. Couples who haveelderly parents have an added responsibility to take care of them. This can also be verystressful if the couple is not prepared.A care plan must be worked out with respective siblings and parents as to who will be theprimary care giver and what type of support network they will have. In case of mentalincompetence a power of attorney must be in place. The making of a will is most essential .

Feelings:

Prophet Muhammad \stated that Allah forgives all sins if we repent but not those wehave committed against others i.e. hurt their feelings unless the person we have hurt forgivesfirst.Couples are sometimes very careless when it comes to their spouse's feelings, they take themfor granted and assume that the other knows what they mean. It is surprising that people aremore sensitive and courteous to strangers than they are to their loved ones. One must be evervigilant and careful that they do not hurt the feelings of their spouses and if they invariablydo, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does not know when someone theylove will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we have the time?