King Arthur: The Abridged Script:FADE IN:EXT. ROMAN EMPIRE ± BIG OPEN PLAINS CLIVE OWEN and his band of BRAVE UNRECOGNIZABLE ACTORS enter and slice up a bunchof DIRTY PEOPLE in a way that manages to simultaneously beincredibly violent and shockingly bland.IOAN GRUFFUDD (V.O.)Greetings everyone. I play Lancelot,and I¶ll be your narrator tonight.(pause)The legend of King Arthur and hisband of brave knights is based upon a real hero whose story wasso boring that it had to be turned into a mythical legend in order to be preserved through time.(pause)This is the original tale, free of all that froo-froo myth, magic, and wonder.STEPHEN DILLANE For example, though I play Merlin, I don¶t have any magical powers at all. I¶m just covered in dirt. That¶sabout it for me.CLIVE saves EVIL BISHOP IVANOMARESCOTTI.EVIL BISHOP IVANO MARESCOTTI Thank you, Clive. These must beyour knights. I thought there weremore of you.CLIVE OWEN There were, but it¶s hard enoughtelling these guys apart sincenobody has a shred of personality.We figured six was already pushingit.EVIL BISHOP IVANO MARESCOTTI Oh. Well, to show my appreciation, I will withhold the papers that makeyour knights free men until they take on one more incredibly dangerous task.RAY WINSTONE As the loud, fat ruffian, I will grimace and yell angrily! Ray Winstone Smash! IOAN GRUFFUDD And I shall whine incessantly about everything.JOEL EDGERTON I, with my fellow knights, will blend silently into the background and beforgotten.IOAN GRUFFUDDDon¶t I know you from somewhere? CLIVE and his KNIGHTS venture out to find SOME RICH GUY.Meanwhile, STELLAN SKARSGARDand his EVIL TEAM OF CAMPY VILLAINS begin to INVADE.EXT. CASTLE WHERE THAT RICH GUY LIVES CLIVE nobly saves all of the RICH GUY¶S SERFS and rescues KEIRAKNIGHTLEY, who is a member of STEPHEN DILLANE¶S TRIBE.KEIRA KNIGHTLEY I¶m not just some damsel indistress, I¶m a strong, independent female character who issurprisingly progressiveconsidering the time period.CLIVE OWEN Sounds familiar..STEPHEN DILLANE Yeah, my one magical power is tolift characters from successful filmsand insert them into this one.KEIRA KNIGHTLEY Try wearing a corset! CLIVE, KEIRA, and ALL OF THE KNIGHTS make their way across afrozen lake. They are followed by STELLAN SKARSGARD and hisband of RIDICULOUSLY HAIRY VILLAINS.STELLAN SKARSGARDFire arrows at them! They do, but the arrows don¶t reach.CLIVE OWEN Fire arrows back! Aim slightly higher! They do, and kill about 10 bad guys.STELLAN SKARSGARDCurses! He¶s aiming higher! He¶sunstoppable! TIL SCHWEIGER Move closer until our ranks arediminished! They do. Eventually, a RANDOM KNIGHT runs forward and slams hisaxe into the ice. A huge crack iscreated that moves toward the bad guys and not the good guys,because that makes sense. CLIVE and the KNIGHTS escape!