I’ve already decided that when I fly this Christmas, I’ll be walking into that body
scanner with confidence. After all, it seems the only ones complaining are old peoplewith catheter bags and men with small penises. I just hope in my case, they have a big
enough monitor. I’ll even let them pat me down if need be. It could be exciting. In fact,I’m already heading up a new group called “Please Touch My Junk” for guys whose
best action is at the airport.By the way, yo momma so ugly, she went to the airport and the
opted out!And now, a word from our sponsors: Religious Things I Enjoy~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The other day I was talking to my out-of-state houseguest about Jesus. Iinformed him that I was going to meet Jesus and that I was going to bring him some
wood and say, “Hey, make me a table!” And Jesus would say, “Alright! What kind of table would you like?” And I would tell him, “I would like it to be willow. And I want the
legs to be al
l fancy and ornamental.” And Jesus would say “Ok!” And he’d make me a
table. And I would call it my Jesus Table. And I would place it in my dining room. And it
would be magical. It’s a magical Jesus Table. And when you put plates and cups on it,
they magically fill with food and drink. But, it is only bread and wine which is ok becauseI like wine. But the wine would actually be blood. And then it would turn to water. Andthen Moses would come and turn it back to blood. And then he will part my Jesus Table,and the Egyptians will run through it. And then they will build the pyramids. And we willfind a mummy in the pyramid.At about that point, my friend had walked out of the room, and my mother, whohad viciously been eavesdropping while pretending to write e-mails, suddenly turned to
me and told me I was the weirdest person she’s ever known. She said that for someoneas “bright” as me, I was incredibly weird and stupid. This led to a discussion in which,
for the first time in my entire life, we were able to find ways to describe who I really am.They are as follows:
I am the stupidest smart person you’ve ever met.
I am the weirdest normal person you’ve ever met.