The Stranger's 2010 Back to School Guide
What No One Else Is Going to Tell You About Drugs, Drinking,Sexual Positions, Stupid Majors, What the Music in Your DormRoom Says About You, and More
Illustrations by Victor Kerlow
College Students are Neophyte Commies in theProcess of Indoctrination. This MaterialDemonstrates Their Suggestible Ignorance.
Part I: What No One Else Will Tell You About Drinking, Drugs, and Sex
Just Calm Down, Don't Freak Out, All Kinds of Things Are Aboutto Happen to You
Unless you grew up with assholes (in which case, congratulations! Youescaped!), you've spent your life thus far happily sheltering under Momand Dad's warm, clucky wings. Now, for the first time ever, you arealone. All alone. You are excited because you get to drink and bangpeople, but—fess up!—secretly, you are also
terrified
. You probablydon't know how to do things like pay an electric bill, or do your taxes,or get an abortion, or stop crying. But stop! Stop crying. Don't freakout. You're definitely going to fuck some stuff up. At some point, you're going to get a red envelope that's like, "YOU DIDN'T PAYYOUR ELECTRIC BILL SO WE WILL MURDER YOU NOW." If thathappens, you know what? You'll figure out how to pay the bill. If theyshut your electricity off, you know what? The food in your refrigeratorwill spoil. If that happens, you know what? You can get new food. If youoverdraw your bank account paying the bill so they'll turn yourrefrigerator back on and you can refrigerate your new food, you knowwhat? You'll get a part-time job to make some more money. If you getfired from your job? Get another one. Flunk a class because you wereworking too much at your part-time job? Take it again. Yeah, it'sannoying. Problems are shitty, and you don't know how to deal withproblems yet. But problems have solutions. Almost nothing is as big adeal as it seems. Stop crying.
How to Be a Functional Drinker
First, ask yourself these questions: When very drunk, do you becomeannoyingly sentimental? Or suddenly and irrationally aggressive? Ordeeply and dangerously morose? Or (if you're a man) tragically flaccid?Or do you just cold black out? If you answered yes to even one ofthese questions, forget it: Stay away from heavy boozing—it's just notfor you. Drinking is all about holding your liquor, and, sadly, this abilitycannot be taught; you are either born with it or not. It's all in the
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