Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Most of the following questionnaires collected here are from year 2004.
Many of the websites changed in the meantime, so I abstain from stating the sources.
web links:
• www.links2love.com/quizzes.htm
• www.links2love.com/quizzes_love.htm
• www.links2love.com/quizzes_love_1.htm
Is There Enough Romance in Your Relationship?
We chalk it up to the inevitable - romance is bound to fade after years of diapers, joint checking accounts and roof
repair. Still, there's a reason we're all mysteriously drawn to Meg Ryan flicks. Truth be told, we all crave romance.
And a lot of us don't realize how little we're getting. Answer these questions and find out how starved (or satisfied)
you really are.
In the past three months YOU have:
A B
1. Made your mate his favorite dish
2. Put on an outfit that you knew your guy would find irresistible.
3. Picked up a great bottle of wine or champagne and downed it – together.
4. Treated your guy/girl to a candlelit rubdown (and not because he/she asked).
5. Slipped a note to your honey telling him/her why he/she still gives you butterflies (birthday cards don't
count).
6. Went out on a real date, complete with dinner, drinks and hand-holding over the table.
7. Reminisced about some special moment in your relationship (such as your first date, your first sci-fi
movie marathon or the moment you both first knew).
8. Invaded your mate's shower or bath to wash his hair, scrub his back and lather up his body.
9. Woke him in the middle of the night – or super-early – to make love.
10. Lingered at the dinner table for a catching-up talk or walked the dog together just to hear about his day.
11. Kissed him, spontaneously, in public.
12. Held his hand while watching TV, linked arms while crossing the street or put your head on his shoulder.
13. Touched his face tenderly.
A B
1. Made your favorite dish
2. Put on an outfit that you knew your guy would find irresistible.
3. Picked up a great bottle of wine or champagne and downed it – together.
4. Treated you to a candlelit rubdown (and not because you asked).
5. Slipped a note to your honey telling him why he still gives you butterflies (birthday cards don't count).
6. Went out on a real date, complete with dinner, drinks and hand-holding over the table.
7. Reminisced about some special moment in your relationship (such as your first date, your first sci-fi
movie marathon or the moment you both first knew).
8. Invaded your mate's shower or bath to wash his hair, scrub his back and lather up his body.
9. Woke him in the middle of the night – or super-early – to make love.
10. Lingered at the dinner table for a catching-up talk or walked the dog together just to hear about your day.
11. Kissed you, spontaneously, in public.
12. Held your hand while watching TV, linked arms while crossing the street or put his/her head on your
shoulder.
13. Touched your face tenderly.
100 Question Love Test
A B
1.Have you ever felt weak in the knees at the sight of him/her?
2.Have you ever done something that seemed ludicrous at the time to impress him/her?
3.Have you experienced a loss of appetite because he/she were not with you?
4.Do you have trouble sleeping without him/her around?
5.When you do sleep, are he/she in your dreams?
6.Can you see spending the rest of your life with him/her?
7.Can you say things to him/her you would not say to any other?
8.If you closest friend were making fun of him/her, would you stand up for him/her?
9.Could you never lie to him/her?
10.Do you call him/her more than once a day just to hear his/her voice?
11.Is it impossible to imagine life with out him/her?
12.Do you have trouble remembering your life before him/her?
13.Do you feel happiness, sadness, hot and cold all at the same time?
14.Do you put him/her first in your life, even before you?
15.Do presents from him/her seem more enjoyable than any other gift, even before you know what he/she are?
16.Would you give your last chocolate to him/her?
17.Have you ever posted pictures of him/her all over your walls, leaving little or no wall visible?
18.Have you ever called him/her to hear his/her voice, only to hang up before speaking?
19.Have you noticed things about his/her appearance or mannerisms that other people would not notice?
20.Can you name his/her favorite ice cream?
21.Can you name his/her favorite movie?
22.Can you name his/her favorite song?
23.Do you find that certain songs on the radio seem to be written about him/her or the two of you?
24.Would you be willing to embarrass yourself in front of others just to see him/her smile?
25.Do you or are you looking forward to Valentines Day?
26.Do you feel like you have spent your life looking for this person?
27.Does a hug or kiss from him/her really make it all better?
28.Would you stand by there side through sickness or poor times?
29.Have you thought up names to call your future children?
30.Do you have pet names for each other?
31.Do he/she have the power to get on your nerves (upset you more) more then anyone else ever at times?
32.Do you say things to him/her that your friends would make fun of you if he/she heard?
33.Have you said those things to him/her in front of your friends?
34.Do you consider him/her your best friend?
35.Do you trust him/her?
36.Have you told him/her that you love him/her?
37.Do you express your love everyday?
38.Do you express your love every hour?
39.Does it hurt to think of life without him/her?
40.Do you remember special anniversaries (first date, etc.)?
41.Do you remember little anniversaries (first time you ate sushi together, etc.)?
42.Do you find that you are bringing him/her up in a lot of conversations (i.e. Well Jenny thinks...)?
43.When buying major purchases, do you consider if he/she would approve?
44.If he/she needed a kidney, would you give him/her one of yours?
45.Are you thinking about him/her right now?
46.Do you miss him/her, even when he/she are in the next room?
47.Have you ever taken a class together just so you could spend more time with him/her?
48.Have he/she met your parents (if he/she are still alive...or have you met his/hers)?
49.Have you written him/her a poem?
50.Have you written him/her a letter?
51.Have you or he/she picked a song (you know "yours and his/her song")?
52.If he/she moved out of state/providence would you follow?
53.Would you shave your head if he/she asked you too?
54.Have you ever serenaded him/her in a public place?
55.Does his/her smile make you smile?
56.Do you hurt when he/she hurt?
57.Do you feel like you can read his/her mind?
58.Do hours just fly by when you are with him/her?
59.Have you ever told him/her that you love him/her in front of your friends?
60.Have you ever just sat and listened to his/her problems?
61.Ever bought tickets to a function (movie, play, show, etc) you had no interest in but he/she did?
62.Have you remained faithful to him/her, never cheating?
63.Are you always honest with him/her (beside little lies like "No really that looks great on you?"?)
64.Have you ever taken the time to massage his/her feet?
65.Do you chat with him/her online (via e-mail, chat or other internet source)?
66.Have you ever made future plans together?
67.Have you or did you name your children before he/she were conceived?
68.Do you know his/her birthday?
69.Do you know his/her favorite color?
70.If you had to be separated by a large distance, could you keep you feelings alive?
71.Does the mere mention of his/her name in a passing conversation make you feel warm inside?
72.Have you ever found yourself scribbling his/her name with hearts and love on the side of a piece of
paper, a desk, or other?
73.Do you have trouble sleeping after an unresolved argument with him/her?
74.Have you ever stolen his/her underwear when he/she were not looking?
75.Do you look forward to days off / weekends just to spend more time with him/her?
76.Do you save little items (movie ticket stubs) from dates or outings?
77.Have you ever posted anywhere on the internet (a newsgroup, discussion page, etc.) a shout out that you
loved him/her?
78.Brought a rose to him/her for not other reason than thanking him/her for being who he/she are?
79.Have you ever traveled (or would you) 100 miles just to see each other?
80.Have you ever dedicated a song to him/her on the radio?
81.Ever found yourself wishing more people could be like him/her?
82.Do you get butterflies in your stomach every time he/she come into the room?
83.Do find yourself constantly thinking about what he/she are doing at that moment when he/she are not
around?
84.Have you ever taken up a new hobby just because he/she shared that hobby?
85.Do you find it harder to shop for him/her then anyone else?
86.Do you ever fantasize about marrying him/her (or often daydream back to the day you did)?
87.Are he/she, in your opinion, the most interesting/fascinating person on Earth?
88.Did you specifically visit Romance 101 or this test with him/her in mind?
89.Is being unfaithful to him/her something you could never possibly do?
90.Do he/she make you happy?
91.Do you believe in Destiny now or more then you did because of him/her?
92.Have you ever "zoned out" during a conversation with someone because you were thinking of him/her?
93.Does holding his/her hand make you feel more safe and secure?
94.When shopping, do you often think "What would he/she like" when making your decision?
95.Do you like him/her better then Chocolate?
96.Have you ever been out on a date with him/her?
97.Have you live together (married or not)?
98.Have you ever proposed marriage to him/her?
99.Have you married him/her?
100.Would you be willing to lay down your life to save his/hers?
A B 1. Your partner storms into the house and slams the door. He's obviously had a bad day. You:
a. glare at him; avoid him altogether; or get angry – and let him know how you feel.
b. don't get upset; you simply ask him if he wants to talk about it.
2. You and your live-in love have been watching an extremely depressing segment on the evening
A B
news. You:
a. silently watch.
b. argue over each other's interpretation of events.
c. cuddle and talk about what you saw.
d. skirt your partner's attempts to talk about the tragedy you're watching.
3. Your husband was supposed to meet you at your favorite restaurant at 7 p.m. sharp. It's 7:20 and
A B
he's not there. You:
a. figure that there has to be a good reason for the delay and wait for him to give you a ring on your cell
phone.
b. get upset and worry that something is wrong, such as he's hurt or with another woman.
c. get upset and worry but don't jump to extremes. You start trying to track him down.
d. leave a curt message on his voicemail and depart.
4. After a particularly bad visit with the accountant, you realize you owe more taxes than you had
A B
thought – or can afford. How do you react?
a. One of you blames the other – or you both blame each other – for this financial snafu.
b. One of you suggests a major lifestyle overhaul.
c. You freak out and immediately ask your family for a loan – without telling your husband of the screwup.
d. You both take the time to figure out how you got into this fiscal pickle, what it will take to correct it and
how best to avoid something similar in the future.
A B 5. Your roommate from college is extremely ill and there's a chance she'll die. You:
a. don't share this with your partner. She's your friend; it's your grief. He probably wouldn't understand
anyway.
b. mention the situation abruptly and hit him with the full force of your sadness.
c. feel at ease asking for his comfort; he knows how much she means to you.
d. tell your mate bits and pieces but save most of your grief and venting for another friend.
A B 6. When you feel your boyfriend has really hurt or betrayed you, you:
a. tell him specifically why you're angry and, if necessary, suggest that the two of you go to couples
counseling.
b. yell.
A B 7. If you thought your partner had been unfaithful, you would:
a. leave, pure and simple.
b. find out what happened; then decide whether you're going to leave.
c. find out what happened and try to determine what went wrong.
d. use it as a manipulation tool.
What's your kissing style?
How you kiss can say a lot about your personality, your sensuality and your feelings for the person you're kissing.
Are you a passionate kisser? Or are your lips more playful? Take this quiz and find out what message you send
when you smooch.
A B 1. Which activity would most put you in the mood for lovemaking?
Slow dancing cheek to cheek
An erotic movie
A shared activity or fun evening out
A B 2. Public displays of affection are:
A fun way to show that you appreciate your lover while you're walking hand in hand or dancing at a party
Unnecessary – you'd rather show your affection for him at home, one on one
A must – you like to show the whole world how much you love your man
A B 3. What's your favorite type of kiss?
A long, juicy, enticing embrace
A brief touch of lips – it builds tension before the real thing
A sweet, gentle smooch
A B 4. After an especially long kiss, you usually:
Lean back and look lovingly into his eyes
Gasp for air and dive right in for another
Take a break to nibble his ear
A B 5. You've just eaten garlic and your man is moving in for a kiss. What do you do?
Make a joke of your garlic breath and tell him he'd better postpone the Romeo routine
Pop a mint in your mouth and ask him to hold you in his arms instead
Go with it – in a few seconds he'll be too hot to notice your breath anyway!
A B 6. When you kiss a man, your hands are usually:
Wrapped around his neck, holding him close
Caressing his face, stroking his back or grabbing some other body part!
Running playfully through his hair
A B 7. During a kiss, you would like it if your man:
Stopped to gently kiss your nose, forehead, shoulder
Stopped to look deep into your eyes
Ran his tongue inside your lips along your teeth
A B 8. For you, what elements are necessary for a truly great kiss?
Desire and intensity
Affection and joy
Ambiance and the perfect moment
A B 9. Your favorite movie couple is:
Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze in Ghost
Bogart and Bergman in Casablanca
Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally
A B 10. When it comes to kissing, you:
are comfortable making the first move, as long as he takes the lead sometimes too
rarely make the first move – you like your man to be in control
often make the first move – you like to be in control
Do You Give Off a Sexy Vibe?
Should you unleash your inner sex kitten or tame your titillating ways? Find out how seductive you are with this quiz.
A B
1. I can name my partner's best friends.
2. I know what stresses my partner is currently facing.
3. I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner lately.
4. I can tell you some of my partner's life dreams.
5. I can tell you about my partner's basic philosophy of life.
6. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least.
7. I feel that my partner knows me pretty well.
8. When we are apart, I often think fondly of my partner.
9. I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately.
10. My partner really respects me.
11. There is fire and passion in this relationship.
12. Romance is definitely still part of our relationship.
13. My partner appreciates the things I do in this relationship.
14. My partner generally likes my personality.
15. Our sex life is mostly satisfying.
16. At the end of the day my partner is glad to see me.
17. My partner is one of my best friends.
18. We just love talking to each other.
19. There is lots of give and take (both people have influence) in our discussions.
20. My partner listens respectfully, even when we disagree.
21. My partner is usually a great help as a problem solver.
22. We generally mesh well on basic values and goals in life.
Your score:
• 15 or more yes answers: You have a lot of strength in your relationship. Congratulations!
• 8 to 14: This is a pivotal time in your relationship. There are many strengths you can build upon but there
are also some weaknesses that need your attention.
• 7 or fewer: Your relationship may be in serious trouble. If this concerns you, you probably still value the
relationship enough to try to get help. This quiz highlights elements of what Dr. Gottman refers to as your
"love map." In his workshops, Dr. Gottman discusses the step-by-step process of making sure that you
nurture your friendship with your partner. In a survey of 200 couples attending a weekend workshop, Dr.
Gottman found that the best predictor of passion and romance in a relationship was...you guessed it...the
quality of the friendship!
Is He Relationship-Ready?
Dying to know if your man is a go-the-distance guy or a love-and-leave you lothario? Take this quiz to find out if
he's bound to commit or split.
A B 1. After a hot date with a gorgeous guy, you leave him a message and he doesn't call back. You:
Leave two more messages on his cell (in case his answering machine broke)
Wait a few days and try him again – if he doesn't respond, he's history
Burn his number – bastard!
A B 2. Which motto would you most likely have as a bumper sticker?
Quit while you're ahead
Winners never quit; quitters never win
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again (then give up)
A B 3. Your job interviewer says there aren't any positions available but to keep in touch. You:
Send a thank-you note and plan to keep her posted with your career highlights
Don't bother – she was just being nice
The next day, fax her a revised r¨¦sum¨¦ and a letter asking to be reconsidered
A B 4. After two blading accidents with your boyfriend, you:
Swear off the sport for life
Take a Rollergirl break and jog alongside him next time
Buy some knee pads and set out again
A B 5. You've been on a diet for a week and haven't lost a pound. You:
Drink more water and keep at it – It'll come off eventually
Head to Hagen-Dazs – if you're going to be fat, you might as well be happy
Start working out twice a day and deny yourself all carbs and sweets
A B 6. You sign up for an intermediate Spanish course just for fun and get a D on the first exam. You:
Ask for a refund, pronto – you have better things to do than babble your way through the rest of the class
Nix your thrice-weekly yoga sessions and nightly Friends rerun so you'll have 10 extra hours per week to study
Consider moving to a lower level but ask your instructor for some pointers first
7. You ask your live-in boyfriend to start picking up after himself more, but a month passes, and he's
A B
still the same Sloppy Joe. You:
Say you need some space – like 50 miles – he has no respect for you whatsoever
Buy him a vacuum cleaner for his birthday and invite your mom over to give him a cleaning lesson
Try to ignore his messy ways, but if he leaves one more pizza box on the bed, you tell him he's on his own
A B 8. The longest amount of time you've spent at a job you hated was:
Two months
Two hours
Two years
A B 9. You get in a huge fight with your best bud, and she says the friendship is finished. You:
Send her flowers and a threatening note saying if she doesn't take you back, you're going on Prozac
Wait a few days, then say you'd like to talk it out over coffee
Shrug your shoulders: It hurts, but since she said there was no chance of making amends, there's no use trying
10. You spent days preparing a huge report. When you present it to your boss, he says it could use
A B
some more work. You:
Ask him what needs fixing so you don't spend time making unnecessary revises
Mutter "He could use a little work himself," and then tweak it halfheartedly
Polish it all night as if it were Grandma's silver
How Happy Are You?
Most of us know when we're unhappy, and we're aware of fleeting joyous moments. But the question of just how
happy one is can be difficult to answer. This quiz is based on traits found to be common among happy, well-
adjusted people. Choose the response to each question closest to your own feeling or situation. If no response
seems quite right you may choose two, but no more.
A B 1. Given your pick of the following jobs, which would you choose?
A difficult, challenging assignment. If you can bring this off, you'll be promoted to an executive job.
A job you can excel in because it's ideally suited to your energies and talents.
A fairly modest job that involves working closely with a very powerful, important person.
A B 2. Do you enjoy doing favors?
Yes. I seldom refuse when asked.
Yes, when it's convenient and will really help someone.
Not really. But I oblige when I feel I owe it to the person or if there's some compelling reason.
A B 3. Which description best fits your usual sleeping pattern?
Sound sleeper, little trouble falling asleep
Light sleeper, easily awakened
Sound sleeper, difficulty falling asleep
A B 4. Are there occasions when you need to be alone?
Absolutely. My most peaceful, creative moments are when I'm by myself.
No, I love having people around.
No, I don't mind being alone, but wouldn't say I have a need for it.
A B 5. How important do you feel it is to keep your surroundings neat and orderly?
Very important. I can put up with sloppiness in others, but never in myself.
Important. In fact, I wish I were more orderly.
Fairly important. I'm rather neat and don't care much for mess or squalor.
Unimportant. I'd rather be in a messy house where people are relaxed than in a tidy one where everybody's
fussy and uptight.
A B 6. Which of the following would you be least likely to want for a friend? The person who is...
Snobbish and pretentious
A bully, cruel to those who can't fight back
Crude, pushy, ill-mannered
A B 7. In the past six months, how many times have you stayed home because of illness?
None
One
Two or more
8. Something distressing has happened to a loved one- the death of someone close, perhaps. You
A B
reaction?
I'd try to console him and cheer him up.
I'd be as upset as he was- when he hurts, I hurt, too
I'd let him know I am sorry, but would continue to treat him the way I normally do.
A B 9. How punctual are you?
Extremely punctual. I have an exact time sense.
Quite unpunctual. Even with an early start, I never get anywhere on time.
It varies. I'm punctual for some things, late for others.
Quite punctual. I usually arrive when I'm suppose to.
A B 10. How long do you remain angry with someone who has been unfair to you?
A long time. I don't easily forgive bad treatment.
I wouldn't get angry. Anger is the product of a troubled mind
Not long, I get angry, but seldom hold grudges
I don't stay angry, but will usually avoid the person from then on.
A B 11. You inherit several million dollars. How would you react?
I'd be delighted!
I'd anticipate problems, but accept the money anyway.
I'd be very worried about handling such a huge sum- it would mean starting a whole new life.
A B 12. What would you find most appealing in a marriage partner?
Good-looking
Rich
Intelligent
Compatible
A terrific lover
Understanding
A B 13. Which statement best describes your social style?
I tend to keep a small circle of close friends
I'm active socially and know hundreds of people
I have a lot of friends but don't stay in touch with them I usually associate with whoever comes to see me.
A B 14. With which of the following would you agree?
Time passes quickly, almost in a blur
Time moves slowly
Days are long, but weeks and months speed by
Days seem fast, weeks and months slow.
15. How do you feel about your present situation- personal qualities, friends and family, career,
A B
prospects for the future?
Wonderful! And the future looks bright.
Pretty good. My situation may not be marvelous, but it's okay, and improving steadily.
Fair. But I'm striving for a much better future.
My feelings vary. Sometimes I feel good about myself, sometimes not.
Are You Ready to Be Loved?
Finding and keeping true, knee-knocking, heart-melting, daydreaming love is more complex than bumping into Mr.
Perfect while walking down the produce aisle and living happily ever after. Yes, it's likely that your soul mate is out
there – he could be the current man in your life or that stranger at the supermarket checking out the artichokes just
a few feet away from you. But if you're not really, truly ready to be loved, your relationship won't magically morph
into big-league love – no matter how much you try or wish upon a star. Answer these questions and find out
whether you're ready for the love of your life.
A B 1. Even when you're cranky and having a less-than-stellar hair day, you still know you're lovable.
True.
False.
A B 2. You tend to end up with guys who are:
Totally wild about you from day one and constantly call you.
Instantly drawn to you but take their time falling in love.
Moderately interested in you – they have a lot going on.
Hot and cold. Sometimes they're all about you; other times, they're MIA.
A B 3. What is your love pattern?
You fall in and out of love quickly.
You rarely fall in love, but when you do, you're committed.
You believe you could fall in love – it just hasn't happened yet.
You don't think you're capable of truly loving anyone.
A B 4. Something has upset you, big time. You:
Keep it to yourself until you feel better; you don't want to upset your guy.
Tell him you're OK and give him an edited version later.
Open up and talk about it, even though it's difficult.
Unload angrily. You don't like it when he pries into your feelings.
A B 5. Your guy gazes at you as you enter a restaurant, smiles and tells you you're beautiful. You:
Disregard it; he's only trying to cheer you up.
Blush and tell him to stop.
Savor the knowledge that you're beautiful in his eyes – and feel loved.
Wonder whether he's feeling guilty about something.
6. When it comes to living happily ever after, you have a good idea of the type of man with whom
A B
you'd like to spend the rest of your life.
True.
False.
A B 7. Your boyfriend says the L word. You:
Worry that he doesn't really mean it.
Start to lose interest.
Think, If he loves me, he must not be the best catch.
Feel yourself falling deeper in love.
Dating Style
A B 1. When getting ready for your date what is most likely to be on your cd player?
Madonna
The best of the 80s
Debussy
A B 2. On your bedside table there is most likely to be
Deepak Chopra's book of meditation
Heat or FHM magazine
A well-leafed copy of Shakespeare's sonnets
A B 3. Where would you most like to go for your first date?
A Japanese or Pacific Rim restaurant
The most lively joint in town - and preferably near a club for later
A small intimate eaterie that you know well
A B 4. You would be most impressed by your date if they
Told you they only ate organic food
Were wearing the latest Gucci shades
Could speak fluent Russian
A B 5. Your ideal choice for a weekend away would be
A city break
A yacht moored in St Tropez
A country cottage in the Cotswolds
A B 6. After your first date you would be most likely to send - or be most pleased to receive
A single white orchid in a plain glass vase
A 3ft display of bamboo and giant oriental blooms
A hand-tied posy of peonies and parrot tulips
A B 7. On visiting your new date's home, you would be most impressed by them having
A 72 inch plasma screen and cinema surround system
A walk-in wardrobe filled with designer labels
A small collection of rare first editions
A B 8. On inviting your date over for dinner, you are most likely to rustle up
Absinthe cocktails and tuna carpaccio
Sea breezes and lobster thermidore
Krug champagne and shepherd's pie
A B 9. Having a night in on your own, you are most likely to end up renting
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon
Die Hard II
Notting Hill
A B 10. When you secretly daydream about your wedding day do you imagine
A secret ceremony in a romantic location with a group of close friends
A large castle or stately home with a reception for 500 plus and all the trimmings
A small country church with a traditional service followed by an intimate low key reception
Will Your Relationship Survive the Long-Distance Test?
These days, circumstances often require couples to spend extended periods of time apart. Maybe a job-transfer
looms on the horizon for one of you. Maybe one will soon be going away to school. Maybe you are already living apart
and wondering if you are going to make it. It's certainly not easy, but some couples do survive the Long-Distance
Test and emerge stronger than ever. What are their secrets for success? It's time to take the ten-question quiz.
When you submit your responses at the end, you'll receive an answer to the Big Question and some expert advice.
For good measure, you will learn which long-distance couple from Greek Mythology you most resemble. Go to it!
A B 1. You love each other, but do you and your partner like each other?
Sometimes you don't like him, but only in passing phases.
You like him a lot but often feel he doesn't like you.
To be honest, you don't like each other much.
Very much - you're best friends.
A B 2. How do you both handle money?
You can't talk to each other about money without getting angry.
With ease - money never causes problems.
There are points of friction, but you find a compromise.
It can be hard - the difference between your attitudes is irritating.
A B 3. Do you talk and listen to each other equally?
You end up doing most of the listening or talking.
You don't really talk or listen to each other.
Yes, you both listen carefully to each other most of the time.
You listen when there's something important to be said.
A B 4. Faced with a life crisis like redundancy, illness or bereavement, you...
Tend to muddle on, trying to keep a stiff upper lip.
Both start to fall apart and life becomes a struggle.
End up rowing because the strain gets too much.
Stand together - when one feels overwhelmed, the other takes over.
A B 5. Sex used to be great, but how is it now?
It's still great every night.
You don't do it as often, but it's still as good.
It's okay when it happens, but it's rare.
You don't really have sex any more.
A B 6. Housework. Who does it?
You do everything and it really bugs you.
You both do.
You do the majority, with him doing the bits he's good at.
You do most of it and he'll help when there's a lot to do.
A B 7. Every couple has disagreements. How do you resolve them?
You argue, but usually come to an agreement.
You never truly resolve disputes and they drag on for ages.
You sort out the differences with good humour.
You never have disagreements and can't understand couples that do.
A B 8. When you talk about where you'll both be in five years...
There are some objectives that you don't agree on.
There are worrying differences between your life goals.
You don't discuss the future - your relationship feels too uncertain.
You find you share the same goals.
A B 9. Compared to how you felt about your partner when you first met, you...
Feel more strongly about him.
Feel about the same.
Now know his weak points, although you try to ignore them.
Feel seriously disillusioned.
A B 10. When it comes to give and take, how do you and your partner measure...
There's no give and take in your relationship - it's all a fight.
You both give and take.
Most of the time it's equal, but both of you can be demanding.
You give, he takes.
A B 11. Someone at the office party makes a pass at you. You...
Are quite tempted, but stay faithful.
Jump at the chance.
Fend him off lightly and tell your partner.
Run for your life - it feels dangerous.
A B 12. After a boozy party, you and your partner...
Go home together and fall asleep.
Go home together and argue.
Go your separate ways and see each other in the morning.
Go home together and make love.
A B 13. When you read about other people's relationship problems, you...
Feel absolutely sure you'll never suffer from the same issues.
Feel even more motivated to get your own problems sorted out.
Become aware that your relationship is even worse than you thought.
Feel desperately sad for them and realise your luck.
A B 14. If you were to describe how your relationship has been so far, you've had...
Mostly bad times with occasional good times.
Mostly good times, with the odd bad time.
All good times - no bad times at all.
Equally balanced good and bad times.
A B 15. A friend tells you she's seen your partner having lunch with an attractive woman. Would you...
Feel worried and wonder what's going on.
Realise that your partner is having yet another affair.
Reassure her - you know the woman and all about the lunch date.
Don't know who the woman is, but feel confident there's no reason to feel suspicious.
A B 16. What sort of contact do you have with family and friends?
You tend not to mix much - you have enough in each other.
One of you has many outside contacts, the other only a few.
You're both social, but in separate groups - you have only a few mutual friends.
You have a rich mix of family, individual and mutual friends.
Relationship Satisfaction Quiz
1. I strive to change habits of mine that annoy my partner, except for those that really are important
A B
to who I am.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
2. I know my partner as a separate individual, not just as someone connected to me. I am able to
A B
describe my partner's major concerns, goals, frustrations, and satisfactions.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
A B 3. I notice my partner in positive rather than negative ways. I compliment more than I criticize.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
A B 4. When I am wrong or at fault, I apologize.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
A B 5. I treat my partner with warmth and affection.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
A B 6. I act to make sure that we have leisure and fun together.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
A B 7. I am aware of my shortcomings as a partner and am working to improve them.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
A B 8. In our relationship, I promote my own needs as well as my partner's.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
9. When the opportunity arises, I cooperate with my partner on projects or activities that are
A B
meaningful to us both.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
A B 10. I work for reconciliation whenever conflict sets us against each other.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
A B 11. I am responsive to my partner's needs for encouragement and support.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
12. I promote a sexual relationship that is satisfying to both of us. I am attentive to my partner's
A B
sexual needs.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
13. Partly through my own efforts, my partner and I share meaning and satisfactions beyond
A B
ourselves – in our religious life, family, mutual friends, and/or common interests and enthusiasms.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
14. I promote fairness and equality in the relationship, in giving, taking, and the sharing of
A B
responsibilities – for both of us.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
A B 15. I show that I am fully committed to our relationship – through difficult times, as well as easy.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
16. I handle conflict between us without being threatening, deliberately intimidating, or
A B
manipulative.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
17. Despite other commitments – like job, children, house, and community – I make our relationship
A B
a priority.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
A B 18. I participate actively with my partner in planning and working for a satisfying future.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
A B 19. I am responsive to my partner's needs for both closeness and space.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
20. I am attentive to my communication with my partner – both to listening well and to sharing
A B
myself openly.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Who takes up more space?
A B 1. At home, whose personal stuff takes up more space
My partner's
Mine
Not applicable
A B 2. When you're watching TV together, who controls the remote
My partner's
Mine
Not applicable
A B 3. After an argument, who waits the longest to make up
My partner's
Mine
Not applicable
A B 4. Who makes the bigger personal purchases, without getting the other's approval
My partner's
Mine
Not applicable
A B 5. Whose tastes in furniture and decoration dominate your home
My partner's
Mine
Not applicable
A B 6. Who decides your social life
My partner's
Mine
Not applicable
A B 7. Who gets to comment on the other's appearance
My partner's
Mine
Not applicable
A B 8. Who gets to say "No!" and really mean it
My partner's
Mine
Not applicable
A B 9. Who decides when and how you have sex
My partner's
Mine
Not applicable
A B 10. Who gets to be the other's teacher
My partner's
Mine
Not applicable
A B 11. Who leaves messes that the other person picks up
My partner's
Mine
Not applicable
A B 12. When there's only one left (e.g., one piece of pie, one soda), who takes it
My partner's
Mine
Not applicable
A B 13. Whom do the children take seriously
My partner's
Mine
Not applicable
A B 14. Who gets to end the conversation, even though the other person isn't finished
My partner's
Mine
Not applicable
A B 15. Whose mood more strongly affects the other
My partner's
Mine
Not applicable
A B 16. Whose work is regarded as more important
My partner's
Mine
Not applicable
A B 17. Whose aches, pains and burdens get more attention
My partner's
Mine
Not applicable
A B 18. Who controls the money
My partner's
Mine
Not applicable
A B 19. When you argue, who wins
My partner's
Mine
Not applicable
A B 20. Who devotes more time to exercise and recreation
My partner's
Mine
Not applicable
Listening Quiz
A B 1. When my partner wants to talk, I take time to find how s/he wants me to listen.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
A B 2. When my partner shares something important, I strive to find out what is really being said.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
3. When listening is inconvenient or impossible for me, I say so clearly and suggest another time for
A B
us to talk.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
A B 4. When I have agreed to listen, I drop whatever else I'm doing and give my partner full attention.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
A B 5. When I'm the listener, I don't respond with advice unless I'm clearly asked to.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
A B 6. When I'm listening, I refrain from disparaging anything that my partner considers serious or important.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
7. In a dispute, when I'm listening I try to be receptive to my partner's point of view. I'm not just
A B
preparing my rebuttal.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
8. I am friendly and responsive when I listen, because I understand that positive connection with the
A B
speaker is an important part of good listening.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
9. When my partner's negative behavior makes listening difficult for me, I say so, because I want us
A B
to communicate well.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
A B 10. Because I want to understand my partner, when I listen I pay attention to feelings as well as words.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Expectations Quiz
1. I expect my partner to remain essentially the person I fell in love with at the beginning of our
A B
relationship - and not to change in ways that bother me.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
A B 2. I expect my partner to make me happy. That's what a loving partner does.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
A B 3. I expect my partner to have the same sexual needs I do or at least to accommodate mine.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
A B 4. I know my partner's true potential and I expect her/him to strive to reach that potential.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
A B 5. I expect my partner to know what I need without my having to ask.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
A B 6. My basic values about what is meaningful in life are well thought out. I expect my partner to share them.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
7. I expect my partner to have loving or at least friendly feelings toward me. S/he should not feel
A B
angry or resentful, especially when I believe that I deserve better.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
A B 8. My friends are important to me. I expect my partner to like them.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
9. When I really need help or support, I expect my partner to provide it, regardness of whether or
A B
not s/he has the resources or the time to give what I ask.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
10. A woman is one kind of person, and a man is another. I expect my partner to have the same
A B
beliefs about gender identity and roles that I do.
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Is Your Relationship Affair-Proof?
Let's face it: It's pretty hard not to be tempted by the fruit of another. Handsome strangers, sexy delivery men,
charming business associates – affair possibilities are everywhere. So what is it that makes some stay
monogamous and others make motel reservations?
1. Kissing between you and your partner is good – no, actually, it's great. You do it when you leave
A B
each other in the morning. You do it at the end of the day. You kiss a lot.
Yes
No
2. You may not be as hot and heavy as you were when you first started dating, but you still have sex
A B
at least once a week.
Yes
No
3. You are so past that stage where you fuss over your face and worry about your wardrobe in order
A B
to look good for your partner.
Yes
No
4. Candlelight dinners, picnics on the beach, midnight swims – all these are distant memories. Worse,
A B
you haven't been on an honest-to-goodness date in months.
Yes
No
5. Just-the-two-of-you time is a must. You go on a romantic weekend getaway at least once every
A B
three months.
Yes
No
6. Gift giving (and receiving) is limited to special days only, such as Christmas, birthdays and
A B
anniversaries.
Yes
No
A B 7. You think that personal problems should be kept in the family.
Yes
No
8. You and your partner are in constant contact. You touch base via phone or e-mail throughout the
A B
day. In fact, you always know how to reach each other.
Yes
No
9. And if either of you goes out on the town or away for a weekend, the other is treated to a full
A B
account of the time away.
Yes
No
Test Your Relationship
The following quiz will test the quality of your relationship and how to proceed. Dr. Howard Markman and Dr. Scott
Stanley at the Center for Marital and Family Studies, University of Denver, created this scale using 20 years of
research in the field of marital health and success. Using the three-point scale below, answer each of the eight
questions, and your score results will measure the status of your relationship. The quiz authors caution users to
interpret the scores as rough guidelines to help couples assess the degree to which they are experiencing key
danger signs in their relationship.
1. Little arguments escalate into ugly fights with accusations, criticisms, name calling or bringing up
A B
past hurts.
almost never
once in awhile
frequently
A B 2. My partner criticizes or belittles my opinions, feelings or desires.
almost never
once in awhile
frequently
A B 3. My partner seems to view my words or actions more negatively than I mean them to be.
almost never
once in awhile
frequently
A B 4. When we have a problem to solve, it is like we are on opposite teams.
almost never
once in awhile
frequently
A B 5. I hold back from telling my partner what I really think and feel.
almost never
once in awhile
frequently
A B 6. I think seriously about what it would be like to date or marry someone else.
almost never
once in awhile
frequently
A B 7. I am lonely in this relationship.
almost never
once in awhile
frequently
8. When we argue, one of us withdraws ... that is, doesn't want to talk about it anymore or leaves the
A B
scene.
almost never
once in awhile
frequently
How serious is your relationship?
Two weeks, six months, one year...no matter how long you've been going out–it's the perfect relationship. Your
romance started with dates (movies, restaurants, picnics...) followed by weekend activities and vacations. You have
a great time together. But does that mean you should settle down with him?
1. You meet a nice guy who is very serious about everything, including you. You, on the other hand,
A B
aren't ready for anything serious. He asks you out. You:
a. Say no. You know it will end badly.
b. Give it a chance – maybe you'll become interested.
2. Your doctor is kind, single, handsome – and seems attracted to you. You know that with a little
A B
effort, you could most likely get a date with him. You:
a. Pour on the charm. He's too hot to pass up.
b. Tell him you're interested. If he responds in kind, you'll make a date – and get another doctor.
c. Forget it! It would make all your previous checkups seem creepy.
d. Think both A. and B. are acceptable.
3. You meet a handsome man at the dog run who says he's in the midst of a divorce. You're
A B
completely taken with him – and his black Lab. You:
a. Start seeing him before the divorce is legal, because you're convinced his marriage is really over.
b. Wait until he has moved out and has put the divorce in motion.
4. Your best friend's boyfriend tells you he is breaking up with your friend. He also tells you he's in
A B
love – with you! You've always harbored feelings for him too. You:
a. Tell him it could never happen. It would hurt your friend too much.
b. Tell him the only way you'd move forward is if your friend gave you permission.
c. Go for it, but tell him that the two of you have to be discreet and let some time pass before you tell
people.
d. Wait until your friend is in love with someone else and then date him.
5. Your new co-worker is quite sexy – and married. He wants you but intends to stay with the missus.
A B
You aren't in the market for a real relationship anyway. You:
a. Flirt and enjoy the attention, but you don't take it to the next level.
b. Have sex with him from time to time. You aren't in it for love; it's functional and safe for both of you.
c. Spend a lot of time together but don't flirt or have sex.
d. Stay away from him!
A B 6. You're interested in dating more than one man. You:
a. Tell your date that you're not interested in "going steady" with anyone.
b. Don't share your intention to date around, but when asked point-blank by your date about exclusivity,
you don't lie.
c. Explain to your date that your private life is private. You don't want to know what he does when he's not
with you – and the reverse should apply.
d. Think any of the above are acceptable.
7. You're divorced and meet a really great guy who excites you. The snag: He's not much older than
A B
your 19-year-old son. You:
a. Choose not to inform your son about the guy's age. You don't want him to resent your new beau.
b. Say goodbye to the guy. A relationship with him would be just too traumatic for your son.
c. Sit your son down and tell him about your new love interest. Honor his response, but emphasize that you
are serious about this relationship.
d. Ask your son to accept your new beau in the same manner that you accept his dates.
Are You Waiting to Be Rescued by Mr. Right?
Yes, yes, of course you tell Mom, nosy coworkers and your domestic helper that you're just fine being alone. But
are you enjoying every single day to the fullest? Let's find out.
A B 1. When you and your honey want to spend a romantic evening together, you:
Almost always agree on what would make for the perfect night
Usually disagree about what's romantic and what you should do
Make sure to do a little something you enjoy and a little something he enjoys
A B 2. If your man were to send you flowers, they would probably be:
Whatever's in season
Exactly the kind that you love
A dozen roses – its hard to go wrong with this classic
A B 3. What's the first thing you would do after returning from a weeklong trip away from your honey?
Ask about his week while leafing through the mail
Call your mother
Give him a kiss
A B 4. What's the first thing your honey would do after returning from a weeklong trip away from you?
Give you a kiss
Ask about your week while leafing through the mail
Call his mother
A B 5. When you and your S.O. argue, you:
Complain to your friends but never seem to resolve the issue together
Usually talk it out and make up fairly quickly
Keep your distance from each other until the anger subsides
A B 6. When you want to know how your guy really feels about you, you:
Hint around, trying to get him to say something positive
Wait it out – you'd only annoy him if you bothered him with silly questions
Ask him
7. You and your man are out to dinner with another couple. You're discussing a controversial subject
A B
and the three of them all agree, but you don't. When you assert your opinion, your S.O.:
Encourages you to make your point
Stares at his food
Puts you down or waves off what you say
A B 8. What do you and your man argue about?
Every little thing – where to eat dinner, the way he might look at the waitress when you get there
Important things – how you save and spend money, whether you're both ready to commit
Various things – one partner working too much, which one of you is a better driver
9. During a girls' night out, the man of your dreams (he's handsome, funny, charming and attracted to
A B
you!) hits on you. If there were no way that your partner could ever find out, would you cheat on him?
You doubt it – it wouldn't be worth it
Probably – what would it hurt?
Never!
A B 10. You sometimes look at your single friends with:
Pity – you can't help it, you know how great it feels to be in love
Empathy – you know how tough it is to be single
Envy – you can't help it, their lives seems like so much fun
A B 11. If you spotted your man talking to an attractive woman at a party, you would:
Go find other people to socialize with
Join him and make sure the woman knows you're a couple
Ask him if he's more interested in her than in you
12. If you went out with a girlfriend from work and forgot to call your partner to tell him you'd be
A B
late, how would he react?
He might not even notice
He'd be worried about you
He'd be suspicious of what you were up to
A B 13. The word that best fits the way you feel about your guy is:
Like – definitely strong like
Need – you can't imagine getting through a day without him
Love – and it feels great
A B 14. Your friends and family think your partner is:
Pretty terrific – they've formed quite an impression by now
A good guy, but they still need to get to know him better
Nonexistent – they haven't even met him
A B
1. Conflict and anger are signs that your relationship is failing.
2.You're more likely to divorce if you have different likes and dislikes and interests, and come from
different backgrounds.
3.In healthy relationships, major disagreements always get resolved over time.
4.In healthy marriages, both spouses have the same definition of what it means to be loving.
5.People just fall out of love.
6.An affair doesn't have to ruin a marriage.
7.Most people are much happier in their second marriages because they've learned from their mistakes.
What's Your Fighting Style?
How do you vent your gripes? Discovering your fighting style is the first step toward cooling the conflict in your
relationship. Take this quiz to find out your arguing attitude and learn what you can do to change your ways – and
achieve relationship harmony.
1. Your partner accuses you of doing something that upset him, but you don't think you did anything
A B
wrong. What do you do?
Ask him to explain why he thinks you were wrong, as you want to understand what you did – that way, you
can try not to do it again
Say something like, "Of course I was wrong, I'm always wrong, aren't I!" and stomp out of the room – you
hate how he's always blaming you for everything
Use that opportunity to bring up something he did that upset you
Apologize anyway – he's probably right that you were in the wrong
A B 2. During an argument with your partner, you often:
Fail to make the point you were trying to make
Ask your partner to explain his feelings, and do the same yourself
Say things you regret later
Rehash old points of conflict
A B 3. You wish your partner would show you more affection. What do you do?
Say to him, "You're as romantic as a stuffed doll!"
Accuse him of not loving you anymore – if he did, he would be more affectionate
Nothing – you can't change him
Tell him you'd like it if he showed you more affection, and give a few examples of what he might do to
fulfill your needs
4. Your husband forgets to tell you that he has to work all weekend. If you'd known in advance that
A B you'd be the only parent on duty, you would have arranged the kids' schedule to make it easier on
yourself. You can't help feeling steamed. What do you do?
Make sure he understands before he leaves why you're so upset – with any luck, next time he'll remember
to warn you about such plans ahead of time
Say, "You're so selfish – don't you ever think about anyone else but yourself?"
Say, "You owe me big time, buddy – next weekend, I'm out of here and you're in charge!"
Remind yourself that it's not his fault he has to work
A B 5. At a party, you catch your mate paying special attention to an attractive blonde, so you:
Socialize in another room – there's no reason you have to watch him acting like an idiot
Wait until you're driving home and tell him how terrible it makes you feel when he pays more attention to
other women than he does to you
Walk right up to him and say, "Maybe you'd rather go home with her than me!"
Find a handsome man to flirt with and make sure your mate notices
6. Your children have left their toys/books/clothes all over the place and your husband let them go
A B
outside to play without cleaning up. When you confront the mess, you:
Ask, "Are your eyes not working today – do you not see this mess?"
Appoint your husband Mr. Clean Up – maybe next time he'll get the kids to do it
Clean it up yourself – no one else is going to do it
Ask your husband how he thinks it makes you feel when he fails to discipline the kids
A B 7. Your partner has failed to do the dishes again and you wake up to a mess. What do you do?
Threaten to never cook again if he leaves one more dirty dish in the sink!
Toss everything into the dishwasher just to get it out of your sight
Tell him that next time you'd really appreciate it if he would take care of the dishes before bed because it
ruins your day to wake up to a mess
Storm out of the house without speaking to him
A B 8. How often do you raise your voice during a fight with your partner?
Often – your blood boils and you can't help screaming
As often as you need to – sometimes that's the only way to get your point across
Almost never – you know your partner doesn't like it
Rarely – you'd rather talk it out than yell at each other
A B 9. Which fighting strategy are you most apt to use?
Talk, talk and more talk
Yelling, yelling and more yelling – how else can you really get his attention?
Withholding sex to get your way, or tears – that always gets him
Apologizing just to smooth things over – you hate arguing
A B
1. Arguing stresses me out, so when we fight, I usually withdraw and hide my real feelings.
2. I think expressing negativity just makes things worse.
3. I have trouble sticking to the issue at hand and often bring up things from the past that have
annoyed me. After all, we're fighting anyway.
4. I'm always analyzing my guy's personality and pointing out things that upset me. For example, I
say things such as "If you weren't so stubborn, this never would have happened!"
5. When we argue, I often feel about one millisecond away from exploding.
6. I wait until I'm 100% certain that I am right about an issue before bringing it up.
7. When I get really mad, the insults fly.
8. When we argue, I often feel disgusted with my partner – and I let him know it.
9. If my partner criticizes me for something, I reciprocate by telling him how he falls short.
10. When my partner doesn't seem to get what I'm saying during an argument, I'll repeat my point
several times.
11. I admit it: Sometimes during an argument I'm barely listening to my partner, because I'm too
busy thinking about my next retort.
12. I feel as if we have the same fight over and over.
How Strong Is Your Relationship?
Take this test to find out if your relationship is healthy – or hurting.
A B 1. When you and your partner disagree, is it more important to you to:
Find a mutually agreeable solution
Get your own way
A B 2. Who do you hold responsible for your happiness?
My partner
Myself
3. When your partner is responsible for a problem that arises in your relationship, are you
A B quicker to:
Forgive
Blame
4. When you are responsible for a problem that arises in your relationship, are you quicker
A B to:
Get defensive
Apologize
A B 5. What stands out more strongly in your mind?
What my partner has done right
What my partner has done wrong
A B 6. What do you call attention to more frequently?
The times my partner doesn't really try
The times my partner puts forth effort in our relationship
A B 7. When you need your partner's help or support with something, do you:
Clearly and directly ask for help
Expect your partner to read your mind
8. Do you do things behind your mate's back that you wouldn't do in front of him or her?
A B (Be honest!)
Yes
No
A B
1. Does he think he's a lucky guy?
You'd like to think that he is a man who understands that life is made up of part luck and part hard work,
and that both elements will affect him at some point. A man who thinks himself lucky in any way is
someone who radiates gratitude, which in turn creates an aura of joyousness. And that's all good. But what
really matters is that, at the very least, he is a man who feels wildly fortunate to have you in his life,
because a guy who feels that way will make sure you know you're adored. And how lucky is that?
2. Are his little faults things you can handle?
Everyone is bugged by something. Does he drink directly from the carton? Hang sweaty clothes on the
bathroom door? Stockpile old newspapers? Say no more. Ladies, there will always be habits that could
drive you batty enough to head for the door, if you let them. But accepting someone, little faults and all, is
part of love. You've got to think big picture here: Don't let his habit of rattling ice in a glass cloud your
vision of a man who's caring, respectful, honest and loving. And that's to say nothing of the fact that you
crack your knuckles and leave half-empty coffee cups all over the house.
3. Can you name the parts of you that he finds most beautiful?
If you know right now, without asking, that he loves the small of your back, or the way your belly sort of
bulges when you lie on your side, or that your cheeks are the softest part of your face, then he must have
told you more than once. And that's a beautiful thing.
4. Would he take the last sip of milk for his morning coffee?
Even in a sleep-deprived, late-for-work, barely-able-to-select-a-tie stupor, the man who leaves you the last
splash of milk for your coffee is a man who understands consideration. If he thinks to take your needs into
account when it comes to all of life's little "I'm thinking of you" gestures, then he probably knows what they
add up to.
5. Can he keep a secret?
Not all secrets are the same, and we all know that. Some are meant to be told and others are meant to be
taken to the grave. That you got drunk one night might be a secret that gets told in the form of a funny story.
That you have an STD might be one you'd like to take to the grave. What's most important is that the two of
you categorize secrets, both large and small, in the same way.
6. Do you know how much money he has?
Not to the penny, but a ballpark figure. And here's the catch: You should know because the two of you have
discussed it openly and honestly, not because you surreptitiously accessed his computer files while he was
grilling out back.
7. Has he seen you when you're at your worst?
Worse than no makeup. Beyond bad hair. We're talking about the really evil side of you that's a brutal
cocktail of bitter depression, stunning irritability and Olympic-level bitchiness. It's the you that nobody
should be subjected to. You know the you we're talking about here. Yes, that one. If he's seen that you and
he can handle it without calling 911, then he may be a keeper.
8. Does he kiss you firmly?
A listless, uncommitted kiss is like a limp, clammy handshake (nice to meet you, sort of). Even the most
gentle, tender kiss needs to feel like it knows where it's going.
9. Does he wear a seatbelt?
Wearing a seatbelt is a tiny gesture that says he cares about himself and his well-being. Like eating
vegetables. Or wearing sunscreen. Takes a minute, lasts a lifetime.
10. Is he fun?
A fun man is someone who enjoys life. He laughs at jokes, enjoys a good meal, finds entertainment and
dances when the mood strikes. There's a certain youthful lightness to a man who's fun, because he knows
how to live in the moment – he takes a good look at his surroundings, sees the potential, and partakes of the
possibilities. Now that sounds like fun.
Great Expectations: 7 Lies about Marriage
By John W. Jacobs, M.D.
Couples therapist and author John W. Jacobs, M.D., has found a pattern in the people he counsels: Their
expectations of marriage are often so unrealistic that even the strongest of relationships doesn't stand a chance.
In this excerpt from his book All You Need Is Love and Other Lies about Marriage, he explains what he calls "The
Seven Lies of Marriage":
Lie #2: I talk all the time; my spouse just doesn't listen.
The reality is that most of us talk ourselves to death, but we actually communicate very poorly. We live in an era
that encourages us to be open about our feelings but doesn't teach us how to differentiate between helpful and
harmful feelings. Very few of us know how to speak or listen effectively. Television talk shows are filled with marital
experts who advise us to "tell it like it is" and be "brutally honest" so our partners will know how we really feel and
what we really need. The truth is that brutal honesty too often encourages brutality more than honesty. Spouses
use their version of the truth to bludgeon their partners into submission. Books such as John Gray's Men Are from
Mars, Women Are from Venus and Deborah Tannen's You Just Don't Understand do an excellent job of explaining
how men and women's communication styles can differ. However, I have found that problems in communication go
far beyond these stylistic differences. Communication problems often hide serious differences in values, interests,
goals and desires. Even when spouses learn how to "communicate" with each other effectively, they are often
surprised to find that they have major differences that are difficult to resolve. So, improving communication alone is
not the solution to most marital problems. It is only the first step.
Lie #4: When you marry, you create your own family legacy.
You may live far away from your family of origin, but now that you have your own family, their grip on you is tighter
than ever. When we become husbands, wives and parents, the models we saw and leftover conflicts we
experienced within our families of origin emerge from our psyches and take over our intimate relationships. Our
grandparents were likely to live close to their parents (if not in the same house), see each other often and stay
personally involved in each other's day-to-day lives. Today, in our highly mobile society, we tend to live farther from
our parents. Paradoxically, their influence may be greater than ever; because they're not around, we're less likely to
be aware of how we unthinkingly act in line or in opposition to the way they raised us. It's especially shocking to
find that your family seriously influences you if you have consciously chosen to behave differently from them.
Spouses who don't appreciate the power their original families exert on their values and styles tend to have
particularly tenacious problems in their marriages.
Lie #5: Egalitarian marriage is easier than traditional marriage.
In the newer, egalitarian model of marriage, the expectation is that while not every chore will be split fifty/fifty, family
responsibilities should be divided fairly, and decision-making power will be shared. The husband in this model
respects his wife's work and shares in family life, never insisting on being in control based on financial earnings or
gender. Equality in theory is wonderful; in reality, spouses in trouble often are conflicted over gender role
expectations and responsibilities. Men tend to feel unappreciated for what they do well, that is, for working hard
away from home and for any chores they agree to do in the house. Likewise, women who work away from the
home and then return to care for their households and children often feel equally unappreciated for their extra work.
In The Second Shift, sociologist Arlie Hochschild makes the point that women are caught in a "stalled revolution."
Seventy percent of married women work outside the home and then return to huge responsibilities at home with
minimal or no help from the average husband or from social institutions. Many working mothers are overworked
and exhausted, and some ultimately become bitter about their overburdened lives. Hochschild believes that the
stress on marriage caused by the pressures of this "stalled revolution" is central to women's dissatisfaction with
modern marriage and will not be resolved until men fully accept their share of household responsibilities. The
confusion over gender-role expectations, the mutual feeling of insufficient appreciation and the unresolved
resentment this fosters between spouses are killing many marriages.
Lie #7: The sexual revolution has made great sex easier than ever.
The veil of secrecy surrounding sex has been ripped away. The best-seller list is plump with books on how to get
and give great sexual pleasure. Magazines offer the latest tricks of the trade. Even the toniest literary journals sport
ads touting instructional videotapes. Men and women regularly confess their sexual issues on talk shows; there
isn't any problem too embarrassing to discuss. Television entertainments put sex front and center; characters
discuss their sex lives and add new partners as readily and casually as they change wardrobes. Thanks to the
invasion of the media, from the most seemingly innocuous sitcom to the steamiest porn video, your life is saturated
with images of beautiful people having great sex all the time. So if sex is everywhere, and if information about how
to have it is more readily available than ever, why aren't you having more fun in your own bed? It's because the two
of you are never really alone there; those ubiquitous images of everyone else having great sex have paradoxically
made it more difficult for you to relax and have a satisfying sex life. Even if you joke about these unrealistic
portrayals of people who are never exhausted by the toll of work and children, whose waistlines are never
threatened by the twin specters of Krispy Kreme and advancing age, and whose libido is never dimmed by a
partner's bad breath or the mountain of unpaid bills on the dresser – you are still powerfully influenced by them.
They make you feel that you or your partner can never measure up, that there's someone out there who's more
attractive to you or will be more attracted by you, and that you are missing out because everyone else is having
more fun than you are. They make you believe that the natural evolution of a relationship, from the dazzling
fireworks of infatuation and early courtship to the steadier, calmer flame of a mature partnership, represents loss of
pleasure and acceptance of the mundane.