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Judgment Call 4: What Is a Fair Share of Housework and Childcare?

The exchange between Scott and Myranda is presented as a likely exchange

between young dual-career parents who are at a stalemate when it comes to household

and parenting duties. The impasse hinges on their disparate perceptions as to just what

constitutes “realistic” expectations when it comes to the division of labor around the

house. Is Scott seeking a reasonable compromise from an overly oppressive schedule of

duties? Has Myranda been left with the bulk of the work, getting precious little help from

her partner? Conversely, is Myranda overstating her burden? Has Scott been

comparatively diligent in contributing to the household duties and is Myranda

unreasonable or even a bit shrewish?

Assuming Myranda is unassailably justified in her protests and that Scott is

woefully deficient in his understanding and execution of the necessary work around the

house and helping to care for their son, studies would tend to support Myranda.

First of all, Myranda has a lot more on her plate than Scott’s mom did. The

Shriver report: a women's nation changes everything (Shriver, 2009) points out that

women are now 50 percent of the paid workforce. And though only a year has passed, the

most current statistics likely reflect that the percentage of women working has increased,

now since three quarters of the newly unemployed are men. The report goes on to state

that nearly two-thirds of mothers either are responsible for all, or at least half of, the

income in households (Shriver, 2009).

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We learned in our chapter on gender and education that women make up the

majority of students attending colleges and universities (Wood, 2011). And so it goes, the

more educated a woman is, the more likely it is she works outside the home.

Has parity for housework and child rearing between the sexes kept pace with what

has happened in the workforce? Not really, but there is improvement from the previous

generation. Encouragingly, Scott Coltrane, author of Family Man: Fatherhood,

Housework and Gender Equity explains that presently, American men in dual-income

families are handling a third of shopping and meal preparation. Men are doing roughly 15

percent of the laundry, which is an improvement over the paltry 2 to 5 percent their

fathers did in 1970 (Coltrane, 1997). He says, "In general, men try to compare their

contributions to their fathers, and compared to them, they look very good, doing four or

five times more than their fathers did.” (Coltrane, 1997) This speaks to why the Scott in

our example feels justified in his objection. But, as our example shows, having a child

increases the household workload exponentially.

A recent article in The New York Times, “Now, Dad Feels as Stressed as Mom”

by Tara Parker-Pope suggests now that everyone is working, the norms have shifted.

Women have had more time to adjust, as they have struggled to reconcile the workplace

with housework since the 1970’s. Conversely, men are playing catch-up. They are just

beginning to grapple with harmonizing the demands of public and private life. (Parker-

Pope, 2010)

Sociologist, feminist, researcher and writer on masculine issues, Dr. Michael

Kimmel is persuaded that such a comprehensive attitudinal change will be slow in

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coming as long as the privileges men enjoy, especially white males, are invisible to them.

In other words, Scott just does not “see” Myranda’s plight, mainly because he does not

perceive his own privilege. In a recent interview, to illustrate this invisibility of privilege,

Kimmel tells of a conversation he observed in a feminist theory seminar:

A white woman was explaining to a black woman how their common

experience of oppression under patriarchy bound them together as sisters. All
women, she explained, had the same experience as women. The black woman
demurred from quick agreement. ‘When you wake up in the morning and look in
the mirror,’ she asked the white woman, “what do you see?” “I see a woman,”
responded the white woman hopefully. “That's the problem," responded the black
woman. "I see a black woman. To me race is visible, because it is how I am not
privileged in society. Because you are privileged by race, race is invisible to you.
It is a luxury, a privilege not to have to think about race every second of your
life." I groaned, embarrassed. And, as the only man in the room, all eyes turned to
me. "When I wake up and look in the mirror," I confessed, "I see a human being.
The generic person. As a middle class white man, I have no class, no race and no
gender. I'm universally generalizable. I am Everyman." (Kimmel, 2001)

I think Kimmel’s observation of the power inherent in privilege – and the power

of invisibility has a lot of relevance to our example. Between Scott’s relative blindness to

his gender and having what understanding he does have of his own gender challenged by

these new (to him) demands of a dual-career household, Scott, and men in general, are

grasping and grappling with the limitations of the “traditional” male role. Just as women

did several decades prior, men are learning to create new roles for themselves, as they

confront the demands of the workplace, housework and childcare.

My initial thought when I read Myranda and Scott’s dialogue was that they were

in need of an intervention. After wading through philosophic and communicative

approaches to understand the historic antecedents underlying our couple’s grievances, I

turned to my domestic duty heroes, Kim and Aggie of BBC’s reality-intervention series,

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How Clean Is Your House? which is a lot like the U.S. Hoarders, but way campier.

Encountering squalor in each episode, Kim and Aggie are unsparing in their

criticism and counsel – neither men nor women are allowed to claim gender victimhood.

After the scolding, the bulk of the show involves shoulder-to-shoulder cleaning. Kim and

Aggie model the new behavior and work side-by-side with the homeowner, teaching how

to best perform various household cleaning activities. Everyone (even small children) is

involved in a democratic fashion. Once made aware of them, the men respond

protectively to the health hazard consequences (swabs are tested at the lab) posed by

neglect, and they especially welcome the hosts’ clear, step-by-step instructions as to how

best to clean things. Finally, a weekly cleaning schedule is established. The homeowners

are given a posted list of duties which display what needs done on any given day and who

will perform which duties.

Is such a behavioral solution simplistic, or is it – simple? While we are waiting for

awareness to miraculously flower, perhaps expectations become truly realistic when they

are displayed in the clear light of day rather than burrowed in the smoldering embers of

resentment.

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References

Coltrane, S. (1997) Family man: fatherhood, housework, and gender equity. New York,

NY: Oxford University Press. p. 111.

Firestone, J. & Shelton, B.A. (1992). Household labor time and the gender gap in

earnings. Gender and society Vol.5, No.1. March, 1989. p. 105 – 112.

Kimmel, M. (2001) Men and gender equality – what can men gain?. Proceedings of the

International women's Day Seminar.

http://www.europrofem.org/audio/ep_kimmel/kimmel.htm

Parker-Pope, T. Now dad feels as stressed as mom. The New York Times. June 19, 2010

Shriver, M. (2009) A woman’s nation changes everything. The Shriver report: a study by

Maria Shriver and the Center for American Progress.

http://www.shriverreport.com/awn/about.php

Wood, J. T. (2011). Gendered lives: communication, gender and culture. Boston, MA.

Wadsworth Cengage Learning. p. 189.