How To Talk To Women Reference

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How To Talk
To Women
The Reference Guide
© 2008 DD Publications/Morpheus Product
ions, LLC.
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MODULE 1: Foundation & Secret Keys
Hey, It’s Carlos Xuma, welcome to the How to Talk to Women Program.
We’re also going to go into the flow of conversation and then each module
after that, so let’s get started right away. What we’re going to talk about in
this program is the How to Talk to Women Concept because it’s such a
big question for guys. I see it all the time, every time I open up an e-mail it
says, “Hey, how do I talk to women in this situation and on that situation?”
So, I’m going to give you the key understanding both from the internal
point of view as well as a technique point of view, exactly how to talk to
women in just about every step of the way. So there’s two parts that I want
to talk about, I want to talk about the overview of the concept.
The first is the foundation, let’s expand on this just a little bit. The
foundation, meaning, your alpha lifestyle is going to be the major
underpinning, how you feel when you go in and you do when you talk to
women, and by alpha lifestyle, I mean these are the factors that contribute
to your feeling of masculinity and feeling of having your own strong, well-
grounded lifestyle.
When you have—let me ask you this, “If you were, let’s just say Brad Pitt, it
doesn’t matter that he’s hooked up to Angelina Jolie or not, you think that
Brad Pitt, by virtue of his lifestyle, the things he does in his life, his famil
y,
his health, his wealth, his time, his career, his job as an actor, the image he
portrays, the life passions, all that stuff, do you think that that helps him
feel confident going into any conversation with a woman?”
He didn’t just instantly become Brad Pitt, the millionaire, successful movie
star, he had to have the feelings before he realized the financial success
and the social success he does right now, so the feelings of confidence
you have before you go into an approach are going to be fully responsible
for how much success you get on the other end.
So these are the components that make up an alpha lifestyle and this is
what comprises how strong you feel, with just one moment before you walk
up and start talking to a woman or even when you’re in a conversation with
a woman, these factors play into what you talk about, how you talk about
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things with her, so this is kind of like the undercurrent of your confidence
and your feelings of self-esteem when you talk to women.
Family, obviously your family, the people that you’re related to, how well
you’re relating to them. Do you have family issues that are eating away at
you from the inside out? These are going to pull you down as well as pull
you back up.
Your health, are you a healthy person, are you fit, are you in shape? If
you’re not, again it’s going to work one way or the other, on one of the
scales are working for you on the other, it’s going to be pulling you down
and making you feel less confident. You’ve got to make sure that all these
are pulling in the same direction.
Wealth, how do you feel about your money? Your time, your career and
your job, your image, your life passion, your friends, your hobbies and
activities, your home and your transportation—yeah, your car and where
you live make a difference. All these factors including your visions and
strategies you have for your life as well as the life that you potentially want
with another woman, all these things are rolled up into what I call the Alpha
Lifestyle. Now, once you have all those elements and you realize that you
still have to address everyone of those.
Let’s get on to the next part. Let’s talk about the foundation of talking with
women and then where you feel the most pain is very often what affects
your conversations with women the most. So any one of these lifestyle
elements here, whether it’s your family, whether it’s your health, your
money, your time, and whatever it is in here that is most painful to you in
any given time is going to be affecting your conversation with women,
remember that, because it’s very important and you’ve got to know it and
recognize that ironically, the best topics for rapport are the ones that are
the areas of pain in your lifestyle, those are the ones that create the feeling
of connection with her because she’s going to see vulnerability.
She’s going to sense a certain level of humanity and connection from you
by virtue of the fact that you recognize that one of these—the family, the
health the wealth or something bothering you and knowing how to talk
about it, and we’re going to talk about that in this program.
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And going down here to the strength of your personality, the strength of
your personality is what supports your game. How strong is your
personality? If your personality were to be turned physical form, in the form
of a body, would your strength look like a skinny 98lb weakling or would it
look like Arnold Schwarzenegger back when he was the buffest, biggest
guy in the planet? That’s how it affects your game and your conversations
with women as well.
The strength of your personality is very important and when I’m telling you
here is, “Be certain about most everything.” Alright? The certainty is how
women see and kind of intuitively grasp your sense of confidence when
you’re in a conversation, now I don’t mean certainty to a point of being
dumb and obstinate, I’m talking about certainty in terms of knowing how
sure you are about things in your life and how sure you are in going to a
certain direction?
I don’t have to be sure that I know the exact fuel consumption of the SR71
Blackhawk, that’s dumb, that’s a factual thing that no one will care about
and probably, no most guys and probably airplane geeks will believe me
but being certain about the important things in life, being certain about
where you stand, ethical-moral stands—things like that.
Very important to how you build up this foundation when you’re talking with
women, so be very clear about this, being certain about things in your life
is a very important part of a conversation that we hold with women.
So one key element, what do I mean by that? There’s really only one key
element into any conversation with a woman, when you’re talking with
women, there’s one thing to focus on, I know that you probably have a
dozen models that tell you about attraction that has comfort that, rapport
on this and seduction that—don’t worry about it.
The one thing you work on with a woman is connection and you do it by
the virtue of a push and pull dynamic and that’s a lot of what we’re talking
about in here. We’re going to talk about how conversations flow, the things
to do when you run out of conversation are very important for guys.
Story telling. How to make women laugh, those are energy tools. Handling
phone conversations, as well as electronic communication, texting with
women, and tools that you can use—these are all things that we’re going
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to be covering in this program, but they’re all built into this connection of
push-pull.
What’s in there? Well, with that we have these three elements that we talk
about frequently, I think most guys are used to hearing about this, there’s
energy excitement, there’s qualification and there’s rapport and comfort—
these are the three biggies, these are the three subcomponents of how
you build that connection in using the push-pull energy.
Energy and excitement. Here’s energy and excitement. Energy and
excitement, as it relates to you, in other words when you are talking with a
woman, the energy and excitement in that conversation should be related
back to you, it shouldn’t just be her having fun. There are ways that are
kind of leaching on of a woman having fun in other ways, in other words
you’re both on a rollercoaster ride. Is the fun really related to you? No.
You’re on a rollercoaster which is going up and down and zooming around
on the corkscrew, right?
But, by virtue of the fact that you might be holding her hand while she’s
experiencing this extreme visceral sense of fun, it becomes a way for you
to kind of draw in the same energy, it’s a very important fact and most guys
don’t know how to use that to their benefit. Unfortunately, they often do it to
their detriment as well, they tend to go into situations where there’s
negative emotions and the woman associates those with him.
So what are the excitement elements of attraction here that we’re talking
about?
First of all there’s fun, laughing is your measuring stick, particularly in this
situation. How much is she laughing? How much is she giggling? How
much is she genuinely bubbling enjoying herself?
There’s banter. Banter in a sense that pleasant shock is your measuring
stick. You’ve got to look at her and see how much is she going, “Uh,” you
know that’s a pleasant shock, not “Oh” which is an unpleasant shock.
Pleasant shock is you’re back and forth, you’re back and forth and you’re
just having fun, teasing back and forth and she has that look of, “Oh my
God, I can’t believe you said that.” You can sense that in the change in
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energy is no longer friendship energy, it’s something more. It’s got that
special chemistry.
And of course there’s teasing. Teasing is slightly different from banter. And
here, physical contact is the measuring stick, in other words, it’s how you
determine how well you’re doing when you’re teasing. You’re looking for
physical contact from her initiated by her.
If you’re teasing her right and you’re teasing her correctly and you’re
keeping the social pressure out. She should be doing, you know the slap
you on the arm and going, “Stop.” That sort of thing tells you, OK, it’s
working, I’m having an effect. She should be reaching out and touching
you in some way, not the other way around. This is where it’s very
important, to get a woman to start touching you.
Sexual innuendo is another form of energy and excitement in
conversations you need to use.
Touch. Touch is very important. It’s what we call Keno, right? But your use
of touch, how you touch a woman in any conversation is also very
important.
Story telling. I’m going to talk about that in this particular module is going to
determine quite a bit on how she learns about you. You communicate a lot
by effectively using story telling. A long time back, I used to write fiction. A
long time back, I studied fiction and I still have all of my books in my
bookshelf over here on how to create effective stories and plotlines. It was
interesting because I learned so much about why and how human beings
are so drawn to stories. We can’t resist a story.
The second you walk up to somebody and start telling them a story, “This
guy, came up to me and you wouldn’t believe what he said to me.” I start
conversations like that and she’s going to be listening because she’s got to
know that story, she’s got to know what happened. She’s starting to feel
the drama that the situation in the head, women more so than anybody
else.
Power questions. If you’ve taken any of my programs, you’d know that
power questions are essential components and as one my unique skills
that I teach guys.
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Nobody else teaching this as quite as I do because power questions
control not only the conversation and the flow of conversation but they
control the energy of that conversation. You can totally build out an
unbelievable amount of sexual tension by the effective use of power
questions. And we’re going to talk about those in this program as well.
Humor. That’s a big topic. How to be funny with women? I’m going to cover
that with some segment here. There are various forms of humor to raise up
this energy and excitement. First of all, I want to tell you right now, humor
itself is highly overrated as a tool for attraction and what we call pick-up or
seduction. You don’t need as much as you think you might need.
A lot of guys would like to tell you that you need to be this super comedian,
you’ve got to be like Jerry Seinfeld to make a woman really turned on but
the fact is, the more you use humor within the conversation, the less
actually the women will feel rapport with you over the long term. The
specific places and ways that you use humor and I’m going to talk about
that in the humor module in this program.
There’s jokes. Keep in mind the jokes that they’re great and the best part
about them is that you can steal as much funny as you need. I just want to
say, “Steal as much funny as you need.” Nothing you say, or as you know
as far as humor needs to be original, I encourage you to try to be original
but it doesn’t need to be.
I went for years where I would do nothing more than kind of relive classic
Eddie Murphy skits or jokes that are heard before or just kind of recycled
humor, and it works because women are looking for a reason to laugh.
They don’t care if it’s slightly used, you know like a slightly used car. A
slightly used humor, it’s not a big deal. So I always encourage guys, if you
don’t feel like you’re a funny guy, steal as much as you need, it does not
matter, OK? It’s an ethical stealing, it works.
Limit your use of humor in conversations, it goes back to what I was
saying, “I don’t want to be overrated.” Instead, what I think you should do is
to focus on staying lighthearted, OK? Which means, not being too serious,
too heavy within a conversation. That is what makes humor work in the
long run for you.
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Your best use of humor is not so much of telling jokes as it is, having a light
sensation to you, that you’re not serious, that you’re not being dire. These
are guys that are not having the success they want with women, will go
into a conversation with women, they’ll talk with women but they’re talking
from the standpoint of, “Oh my God, this is so serious, I cannot mess this
up. I don’t want to joke or do anything that might risk it. So I’m going to
stay on a very serious plane.” And that really destroys the emotions and
the attraction for the woman will feel for you.
And the easiest use of humor of course is just simply exaggerating into the
extreme. I’m going to talk about techniques like this and real ways that you
can use humor in the humor section. So we’re not going to go into much
detail about that here.
So there you go, there’s energy and excitement, how you use it within a
conversation.
The next is qualification. Qualification is discretion and pickiness. Basically,
it’s how picky you are about who it is and you’re going to be involved with
emotionally, romantically, sexually, whatever it may be.
You’ve got to be picky, I cannot tell you this enough, if a man is not
selective about a woman he is choosing into bringing into his life, he’s
setting himself up for failure, because a woman can sense this more than
anything else.
You can tell when somebody is just taking what they can get as opposed to
what they deserve. Very important, because if you—as what he’s doing,
casting or not whether or not you deserve a good woman, you feel like you
deserve her, if you’re just taking her with no questions asked, you don’t
feel deserving, you feel desperate.
Skepticism and doubt is another part of the qualification, qualification
mentality that you have when working in this whole connection sequence
of push-pull, back and forth, back and forth. This qualification portion is a
lot of the pull, pulling away, OK?
Push, is I’m pushing myself towards her, pull, I might as well pull away. It’s
difficult to find that difference, some people say that push is pushing her
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away and pull is pulling her in, which actually I think is more correct of the
two. But you get the idea.
Qualification is where you kind of pushing around her way a little bit
saying, “I don’t know, I’m skeptical, I doubt you could match what it is that
I’m looking for in a woman. You’re a little young, you’re cute but you know,
I can find a cute chick anywhere.” Do you see that attitude that I’m having
there? You’ve got to communicate in this within your conversations with
women, when you talk to them.
Don’t fake this, do not try to fake qualification. If in the back of your head,
you’re thinking, “I don’t care what this chick says, I would so do her.” Dude,
there’s nothing she could say that would make me want not to sleep with
her. I would totally go to bed with her, no matter what she says, but then
you’re on the outside and you’re trying to fake it and going, “I don’t know, I
mean, you’re cute and all but what else you’ve got going for you?”
She will sense that it’s not true, it’s not genuine, it won’t come through in
your words. You need it to be sincere, you cannot fake qualification and it’s
not just the results you’re going to get with her, it’s because of how you’re
going to feel inside when you have standards, when you have limits, when
you have a threshold of acceptability within your life, it changes your
attitude completely.
You’re not going to be the same man anymore when you stop accepting
the bullshit that people throw at you start raising yourself up to the
standard, to the different norm, alright?
Story telling is also another form of qualification. Story telling you can use
in any part of the sequence. So that’s why I’m going to focus a special
segment on that alone. Story telling is another way you can prove or
demonstrate to her that you do have discretion when it comes to women
and it might also find a way of communicating to her whether or not she
should be thinking about it. I’ll talk about that later on in storytelling.
Power questions, again, the questions, the power of questions themselves
cannot be underestimated. You read any good Tony Robbins book and he
talks about this. The power of questions is unimaginable because it
controls everything. The person who’s asking the questions controls the
conversation.
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You have to use questions effectively within the conversations.
Rapport and comfort is where a lot of guys think of being under staged.
Rapport and comfort is simply another form of connection, were talking
about one big concept here. Connection, connection, connection, that’s
what a woman wants to feel. She doesn’t need to feel devotion, she
doesn’t feel that you’re her boyfriend to sleep with you, she has to feel
connection though.
Rapport and comfort. There is deep rapport and deep comfort where you
obviously want to go with a woman. This is where you share an emotional
state. Then there’s the superficial kind of rapport and comfort, this is where
you’re looking for and trying to establish commonalities, things like, where
you went to school, someone you know that you both know in common,
things like that.
Commonalities are very weak form of rapport building and I encourage you
to avoid them wherever possible. You can use them in a little bit but your
big focus here needs to be not on the superficial but on the deep side
where you have shared emotional states. It’s the only way to establish a
really powerful connection.
All this stuff trickles up to this diagram I’m showing you here into the
connection. When you’re using all three together, it’s like having a main
trunk of electric wire coming together in one junction, all of that power
comes into one point. So focus on deep rapport.
Touch is another way of establishing rapport and comfort. Women use it to
establish control in conversations as well as level set emotions. When a
woman reaches out and touches another woman or touches a guy, what
she’s trying to do is lower that person’s emotional state and get it closer to
her.
Because when you’re touching somebody, it’s very hard to have different
emotional states. I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed this fact but you know
when somebody’s crying and you’re hugging them, it’s hard for you to be
like, (laugh), you can’t do it, it may seem silly at the time but you get my
point.
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Women do it as a way to bring emotional states into equilibrium or at least
pull them closer together. It’s a very effective tool and you need to use this
in conversations as well. Especially at the very impactful moments of story
telling where you might have something, a big bang, and you want her to
feel it and you touch her at the same time when you say it. Powerful,
powerful technique.
Again, story telling appears here on the rapport and comfort because
there’s no better way of establishing rapport and comfort with a woman
than telling a really powerful story about yourself that connects with her.
And again, power questions. So again, these three elements, energy and
excitement, this is what we tend to think as attraction, if you’re thinking of a
classical pick-up parlance.
Qualification, that ‘s another way of saying, “I’m choosy, this where inner
versus outer game thing.” I think of qualification as being more inner game
because when you have qualifying questions in your head and reason why
you want to dismiss somebody from being a possibility in your life. You
have a stronger attitude overall and your conversation works much better
too.
And rapport and comfort, being the stage where your trying to stabling
more deeper in a sense of connection. Don’t listen to anybody that tells
you that you have to do things at a certain order. It’s not necessary to
follow this like a blueprint. If you’re going to follow it like a blueprint, yes I
would encourage you to get the energy and excitement started upfront.
That’s your best way, it’s like your activation energy.
Then you can slip into a little bit of qualification and then go into rapport
and comfort. You use qualification before rapport and comfort because
you’re saying here and your qualification, “I think you’re a possibility, let me
see if you are, OK? Maybe, maybe. And then, Ah, OK.” Rapport and
comfort is the next state of, “OK, you look like you’re acceptable, I’m going
to try and make a connection with you.” Alright? So that’s why you put
qualification there.
If it feels weird to go through energy and building up the energy in a
conversation and then building and establishing a strong sense of rapport
with a woman and then you suddenly go, “I don’t know, I don’t know if
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you’re my type, you know with my flight all the time?” That would feel
weird, that’s why your qualification goes there.
So there you go, those are the critical elements of the overall process of
how to talk with women and how to build attraction and the right kind of
connection with women. I want to emphasize this little fact here. I’ve been
reading a book quite recently and I want to share with you, it’s called Now
Find Your Strengths and Weaknesses, something of that effect. I’m going
to give this as a resource for this program.
And what they talk about the program is you’re are going to waste a lot of
time in your life trying to make your weaknesses build up to the level of
your strengths, when in fact that’s the worst possible use of your time. The
best possible use is where you take your strength and you just put all your
energy behind your strengths because that is going to skyrocket your
success more than anything else.
Get behind your strengths. Use your strengths and the same time, if you
have some weaknesses that just needs to be fixed, of course by all means,
work on them. Pick them up to an adequate level but don’t ever believe
that your weaknesses will ever be your strengths because they won’t, it’s a
big misconception.
Most people have been taught to believe that they need to work on their
weaknesses, in your job you’ve probably been taught this, family probably
talked this. Everybody probably has taught you, that you need to be
working on the areas that you’re not as good, when in fact your success
lies in your strengths. Wherever it is that you’re doing your best right now.
Think of Michael Jordan, this is my example for this. Michael Jordan, what
did he do? Well you may remember way back when, he decided to leave
professional basketball where he was an incredible star, an incredible
athlete, proved himself time and time again and decided he wanted to go
into baseball.
Well he didn’t make the Major Leagues so he went back on to the Minor
Leagues, he was sincere about this, this is what Michael wanted to do for
himself, he didn’t care what other people thought which I totally salute him
for but at the same time, you have to keep in mind that.
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What happened? It didn’t work for him, in the long term, what did he end
up doing? He went back to basketball where he was a star, where he could
shine, where his strengths, where applaud needed and that’s where he felt
the most fulfillment. Not in trying some athletic endeavor wherein he really
wasn’t that quite talented.
It’s the same thing with you. Your talents will be your primary source of
your success when you’re talking with women. So you’re going to find
areas in here that are going to be your elements of success when you’re
talking with women.
Those are the ones you should work on enhancing, maybe it’s story telling,
maybe it’s the ability to make someone laugh and getting excited and
having fun with you and teasing. Maybe it’s the ability to keeping the
conversation flowing or establishing a deep rapport in there. Whatever
your talent may be, leverage it and use it. It’s going to serve you more than
anything else.
So there you go, we’ve just covered, how to talk with women, the
foundation which is your alpha lifestyle and the key elements—well the one
key element of all attractive conversations with women which is connection
and I broke it down to all the segments for you there.
We’re going to talk next on the flow of conversation, how it should flow and
how it should work and understanding the concepts of that conceptually.
And then we’re going into hard core mechanics, we’re going to talk about
what to do when you run out of conversation, we’re going to talk about
story telling, we’re going to talk about specific techniques for making
women laugh and how to use the funny-cocky comedy thing.
We’re going to talk about tools you can use and help you in conversation
and get you going and handle some of the common side conversations
you have with women, things like you might need in phone conversations,
e-mail, Facebook or texting, you’re going to learn how to use those as well.
And that’s it for now, this is Carlos Xuma, next step, go to the module or
segment number two of the program. Thanks.
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YOUR STUDY NOTES:
Note something new youʼve learned in this module:
Note something you heard and maybe knew, but now yo
u see differently:
This section is
important, as
it will “lock in”
your Write down 3 action steps you can take right now to
start adding this into your own
understanding conversations with women:
of the 1.
material...
2.
3.
Write down 3 new “conversation bites” (word for word) o
f your own that you can use
to inject this material into your conversations rig
ht away:
1.
2.
3.
© 2
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Module 2: Conversation Flow
Alright, we’re back, it’s time to get cracking on the first topic.
Let’s dig right into flow of conversation, how should the energy and how
should the flow of conversation go with women. So let’s look at the top
here, we’re going to look at the actual energy, there’s a little diagram a put
together to explain the flow of energy between her and you. It may not be
on scale but I’m sure you’ll forgive me on that part.
When it comes to the overall conversation at the earliest part of the
conversation, if this is a woman you’ve just met. The conversation is going
to be a little skewed towards you providing a lot of the energy to keep it
going, OK?
As a matter of fact at the start, if you’re looking at it as a matter of
percentage, 90% will be you, 10% will be her. This is worst case scenario
and the more nervous she is, the more it’s going to be like this situation
here.
The less nervous she is, the more of an open person she is or maybe she
is a playful type of person, the ratio of her to you is going to be higher, it’s
going to have 20 or 30% right off the bat, because she’s actually into it,
she’s not thrown off by talking to a guy, OK?
And again, a lot of the stuff I’m talking about in this program is not geared
towards approach, although approach is a part of the overall conversation,
I’m not focusing in specifically on what you need to do when you walk up
right off the bat. That’s going to be handled in special approach program,
I’m talking about a lot of the general conversation techniques that you can
use along the way.
Any one of these can be used as an opener and I really don’t like to set
aside opening and approaching as being a different part of the
conversation but guys view it that way, so I’m trying to help you by keeping
the same perspective but in reality, you can use anything that I’m talking
about in this program to apply in opening and starting conversations., OK?
I want you to keep that in mind.
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So again, as far as the energy goes, you are going to provide most of the
energy upfront. She’s slowly going to be increasing, see how these
numbers are going up? She’s slowly going to be increasing her
contribution and her energy into the conversation. If she isn’t, you’re going
to have a problem because her investment in conversation is not the same
as yours and what she’s trying to do is keep you at a certain distance to
prevent any kind of—she doesn’t want to be misread, she doesn’t want to
be misunderstood, she doesn’t want you to get the wrong idea.
You’re going to hear that a lot from women. They’re going to say, “I don’t
want you to get the wrong idea,” because then she would feel guilty for
that, right? Because you’re thinking the wrong thing would it really become
her fault? This is Psychology, I can’t explain it to you, it’s the most intricate
form but just trust me, OK? Until I get to the module on how to understand
women.
So, what is she going to do if she holds back, if she keeps you at arms
length? What she’s saying is she doesn’t want to make it into that
conversation for whatever reason. Maybe she’s got a boyfriend, maybe
she’s just isn’t into it that day, maybe she’s just in a bad mood. It doesn’t
matter why, don’t worry about it, it doesn’t mean anything about you. It
can’t because she doesn’t know you yet, alright?
So again, back to the energy of the conversation, her input is going to
increase and as it does, you’re going to balance out somewhere in the
middle here after some amount of time. This is time, going from side to
side. So as the time goes by, you can start to decrease your energy input
and balance out a little bit and this is the other side of the conversation,
this is the later on of the conversation over here. This is what happens later
on, if she’s really into it, the woman will pick up the ball and she will start
contributing more to the conversation than you do.
She will in an essence talk more than you do. That’s where you see her
percentage go up from 50 to 60 to 70 and higher sometimes. If it goes
higher than 70 or 80, you’ve got to watch it because she’s starting to
control the conversation. You’ve got to watch that too.
So your contribution will slowly decrease, OK? So this is a model for you to
understand the energy output and inputs if you will, to the system and they
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will balance out. You should be looking for this kind of a pattern. The more
she contributes upfront, the better off you are, the better the conversation
will flow, the quicker the chemistry because of course, you won’t feel as
vulnerable up here, putting a 90, 70 to 90% of the conversational input and
energy. It’s tiring, it really is, it can be very tiring sometimes talking to
women especially when they’re not doing their fair share.
Let’s face it, for every guy that feels uncomfortable in conversations,
there’s also a woman that feels the same way. And she doesn’t know how
to do it, she doesn’t know how to handle the social aspects of it. She might
be socially awkward or whatever reason. Whatever it is, it’s OK, that’s the
one thing guys don’t understand is a balancing factor of this on the female
side of the equation. We just don’t see it, we just think it’s just guys having
the problems, or we’re just having the problem.
Let’s go into the next section here. Conversational flow.
Conversational flow, how should a conversation go? Well, I’m not going to
give you a specific step by step, I want you to take this sort of thing first,
this sort of thing second, this sort of thing third. If I did that to you, I wou
ld
be hopelessly screwing up your game with women. Why? Because you’d
be relying too much on artificial structure which bears no resemblance to
the actual conversation.
Comparing it this way would probably help you. Conversation is something
of an art, in other words if I were to sit down in front of a canvass with a set
of paints and paintbrush. Somebody told me specifically that, what to do,
where? Is that art? Not really. In essence, what that is, is kind of like a
paint by the numbers step, a little sequence there.
What you’ve got to do is make sure that you are not trying to follow a plan
as much as you are trying to keep things improvisational and coming from
here rather than from here. And it sounds a little bit satiric but it’s very
important that you understand this, the more up in your head you are, the
more you’re trying to follow a plan, the more you’re going to create
problems for yourself in the conversation. She won’t feel real, she won’t
feel that you’re real, she won’t be grounded.
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So the first thing that happens in the conversation is your opening,
whatever that may be.
But this is why I put an asterisk on this, your opening is not the most
important part of the conversation, in fact it’s the least important part. The
experience that a lot of guys have, I’ve trained guys this way too, is that I
give them something completely random to say, to walk up to talk to
women with, and it doesn’t matter what it is. It doesn’t matter what it is, I’m
saying that twice for actual emphasis.
The opening doesn’t really matter. The opening is just a way of opening the
door and saying, “Hey, I’m right here. Let’s talk.” It’s what she says after
that, that you’d have to listen for, OK? Her reply. You should be listening to
her response, so your opening is nothing more than a match lit to the fire
and now you’re watching what the fire does as it burn really slow, does it
really burn the match out before it even starts, see what I’m saying?
Her reply is more important. Listen to what she says when she replies,
most guys are so caught up in what they’re saying to start the conversation
because they had overcome that courage hurdle to actually walk up and
talk to her that they’re not listening to her reply. And her reply gives you ba-
da-bing, the key to unlock the rest of the conversation from her. You’ll know
instantly from what she says to whatever it is you open with, whether she’s
a good humor, whether she is a cool chick or not, whether or not she’s got
a bug up her butt, whatever the case may be, you’re going to find that out
from her reply, so you’ve got to watch on that.
So then, after your reply and you’ve listened to that, your reply next should
probably be a question and should never be an answer to hers. In other
words, if she replied with a question to you like, “What is that the best thing
you’ve got going on there for you? Is that a line? Come on, you’ve got to
do better than that. If you’re going to talk to me.”
Your reply should never be to answer that question or to be a direct
rebuttal to it.
You should find a way to steer your answer in a way that you still maintain
control of the conversation, because if you just answer her question, you’re
going to be falling into the trap of being her conversational slave, if you will
.
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I’m trying to think of a better term for that but you know, her conversational
puppet basically. Don’t give a direct answer to hers.
Think about this, your reply, your whatever it may be, form this point on in
this conversation, after she responds to your opening your reply should
first of all, give value to her.
You must always be giving value in some way, of course when you give
value, you’ve got to be adding to the experience in her life. If you’re taking
away in any way, it’s going to be running contrary to the rules of how to talk
to women. This is probably a law, this is one of the first laws of talking to
women. If you’re not giving value to her in everything you’re saying, in
everything you’re doing, she’s got no motivation to stay in the
conversation.
Think about it, it’s WIIFM, what’s in it for her? Is she getting something out
of the conversation? Because human beings are selfish creatures, they’re
not in it to help you out, they’re in it for themselves and her enjoyment is a
key factor for that. Also think about upping the ante, you’ve got to raise the
energy level in the conversation with whatever your response is.
Your response should not only be in some way handling whatever it is she
said, maintaining control of the conversation, giving value, but you have to
raise that energy level so that she feels the positive lift of the conversation.
It should never be deter on how she respond to you that should be fairly
obvious.
Then comes her reply and then comes your reply which is where you need
to start making the transition into conversation. This is a big factor,
because a lot of guys get caught up in the opener in the first gambit that
happens within, it’s kind of like chess, you know those first opening moves
but the mid-game is where things really get interesting in chess, OK? And
the same thing applies here you need to make a transition from your
opening game to your mid-game as quickly as possible, and your mid-
game has to take on a very connective flow.
Remember I told you, the first primary thing you need to do is form
connection with her in some way or another. Whether that’s rapport
building or attraction building, qualification, how you do that is the most
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important thing. So her reply comes, and your reply is a transition into what
we call a regular conversation. So you’re no longer in opener mode.
Your opener mode lasts for only two interactions. You say something, she
replies. You hear what she says and you reply to that. And then she’s going
to reply again and now you need to transition it towards conversation.
Again, you must give value to her and you must also up the ante, you must
keep the energy level going, keep things interesting, it doesn’t have to be a
massive increase. I don’t want you thinking that you have to take off a
rocket ship because that’s going to make a conversation feel awfully weird,
stilted and fake. But you should be gently increasing the energy level and
the stakes a little bit for you to stay in it which is good, it keeps her
interested, it creates more tension, it creates more psychological and
sexual tension.
And then the last thing I’m adding in this particular step is, you need to
stand back and you need to start qualifying her a little bit, during your
transition to the regular conversation. In other words, if your sole motive is
just to start a conversation, then she’s thinking, “Huh, he’s here to talk to
me and that’s cool and all but he must want something.” That’s where
qualification says, “Oh you know what? You might not be all that, girl. You
have to meet all my criteria as well.”
When a woman is forced to think in that perspective, she forgets about the
fact that you’re there to try and be interested in her sexually and now she’s
in a different mode of, “Oh, wait a minute, I’ve got to be in my best
behavior. I’ve got to present myself in my best form.” And if she’s not
thinking that way or she’s not working in that direction, she’s obviously not
for you.
That’s the way this conversation’s got to go, but let me be honest here, a
small sliver of conversations go down that route where she just checks out
completely. Unless you’re just approaching drunk women in a bar at 2am,
you should still be able to get some level of interactivity from her, OK?
Even the worst party chicks in bars will give up some form of energy and
give up some juice to the conversation.
You have to stand back a bit and qualify her and this is what I’m saying,
from here on out your conversation is chaos. What do I mean by chaos?
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Chaos means there’s no way anyone in the world can predict how your
conversation is going to go. As a matter of fact, all the way back here,
where after your opening, there’s no way you can know what’s going to
happen next.
Agreed, it’s a very small sample of things that can happen there that’s why
you can do some preparation after the opener but after that, everything is
totally up to chance and whim and fate and a multitude of events. You can’t
predict it so please stop trying to, stop trying to predict every little thing
that’s going to happen along the way, because you can’t do it and by doing
that, you’re actually making it hard for yourself to stay in the conversation,
OK?
So I’m assuming that you’re at the point now where that’s not a big issue
for you. That you’re ready to make that transition into the conversation.
That you know that it’s going to require some free-flow ability from you, a
bit of improvisation ability, if you will, and now you can keep going.
But here also is another rule: stay only as long as you can and then bail
out of this conversation. This is the rule that’s always in the back of your
head when you’re talking to women and you’re remembering how to talk to
women, is stay in the conversation only as long as you can and then bail.
And the reason for this is, I want you to pay attention to this part.
You have to feel comfortable to leave in the conversation at any time and if
you’re in the zone when you’re just totally gripless, totally clueless, totally
lost, like I’ll give you an extreme example: a guy that just never talks to
women and he’s in his first conversation with a woman. How far do you
think he should go? If it’s comfortable and it’s working, hey I say, “Go as far
as you can,” but in reality, what’s going to happen?
At some point, he’s going to trip and he’s going to fall and he’s going to
reflect that experience of tripping and falling back on the whole entire
conversation he had with her. When in fact, there’s a certain point that
you’ve got to cut your losses, just like being at a roulette table. When
you’re winning, know when to stop gambling and walk away with your
winnings because that’s leaves you with a positive feeling so that you’ll
come back and do that again.
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So stay only as long as you can in a conversation and then bail. Get out of
there, go and move on to something else, go find somebody else. But the
secondary rule is, every time that you get in a conversation, go one more
step than the last time you did. So each time you’re in a conversation,
you’ll go a little bit further, you press that a little bit more.
You’ve got your opening game, you’ve got your mid-game and you’ve got
your endgame. Endgame is where you close, you get a phone number,
you get a date or you try for a kiss or you try and push your physical
escalation a little bit further. That’s the end game. It doesn’t matter what
conversation it is, you have all three elements in every single one of them.
Beginning game, mid-game and endgame.
Now, just the last part of this initial flow of conversation topic before we get
really into the hardcore cool stuff, techniques you’re going to use. I’ll give
you a few secrets here that I’ve used in the past and these are important to
remember.
First of all, emotions are created by thoughts. Your thinking about
something and then imagining outcomes is what creates your fears and
anxieties with women.
This is never more true than an opening a conversation with a woman. Let
me repeat this because this is important. Your emotions are created by
your thoughts, not the other way around.
Your emotions came to you because you started focusing on something,
you thought about something and then imagining these outcomes,
imagining these events, what if she does this, what happens here, what
happens then? You’re trying to predict the unpredictable. And that’s what
creates fear and anxiety with women. When you can let go of the need to
try and think ahead, try and get in there.
This is the same kind of thinking by the way that keeps you awake at night
that you can’t go to sleep, when your mind just won’t turn off. You’ve ever
had that happen? I sure have had it happen, everybody has. When you
can’t shut down the mental gears in work and the things going on up there,
that’s when your mind is trying to work too far out of its own domain, out of
what you can control. You’re in the realm of “I can’t control it.”
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So why are you there? It’s creating more anxiety and pain for you.
Next secret here is, the higher the energy around you when you’re talking
to a woman, the higher your energy needs to be. You need to bring up your
energy to match the environment or better. If you’re too subdued, too laid
back, you’re going to stand out in the wrong way. You’re too engrossed in
the environment, and it’s going to be difficult to keep a conversation going,
because she’s going to feel the difference in the energy levels, alright?
So if you’re in a bar, it’s one level. If you’re in a bookstore, it’s a much
lower level. If you’re in a dance club with a high intensity laser beams and
lights and a lot of music, it’s the highest energy it’s probably going to ever
be. So remember that.
Always end the conversation, on a high note. Leave her with a positive
feeling about it. She has to feel good about the conversation and so do
you. Again, all these things I talk about are meant more for you than her.
Conversations will come and go, what you walk away at the end of it will
last you until the next time you walk up and talk to a woman or the next
time you get into another interaction and it has to keep you on an upward
slope, alright?
And last rule, last but not least, always leave something unfinished in your
conversation for the next time you talk or meet with this woman. Always
leave something unfinished because what that does is bait, it’s bait on a
hook. That keeps her coming back for more and whether you like to realize
it or not, this is how it were constructed. We can’t stand stories that don’t
have an ending, we hate a movie that finishes with to be continued. You
know when you watch a TV show and it ends with a to be continued and
you’re like, “Oh God, I can’t believe it.”
You know you’re drawn in, you need that finishing, you need that
completion, she does too and it’s a perfectly legitimate tool to ensure that
you can stay in contact with her and keep her going, OK? So don’t shy
away from using the old cliff hanger, from keeping her interested in the
conversation. I always make casual mentions and I want to give you more
techniques by the way so don’t feel like shipping you here. I’m giving you
the techniques on the next part but I would leave a technique like a, “Oh
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you know what, I have something cool to tell you about,” you know
whatever it is you’re talking about.
Let’s say it’s a vampire movie, “Oh there’s something you need to know
about that chick but I got to get going, I’ll talk to you about it later. What’s
your number again so I can call you?” She’s got a reason to call me, she
feels a positive draw, there’s a vacuum there but with energy that pulls her
back into it later on. It’s totally effective and it’s totally necessary. So I don’t
want you to think it’s a game, it’s a necessary game. It’s the way human
beings are built, we need that completion so you might as well be using it
to your advantage. What do you think? I think so.
So next module, we’re going to get into what you do when you run out of
conversation. The awkward silences and the problem and the description
of the solution and how to stop it from happening to you ever again.
Alright? I’ll talk to you in the next module.
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YOUR STUDY NOTES:
u see differently:
This section is
important, as
of the 1.
material...
2.
3.
ht away:
1.
2.
3.
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MODULE 3: How to Never Run Out Of Things To Say
Here we are with the next module, we’re going to talk about awkward
silences and why they are actually a necessary component to a
conversation. If you don’t have an awkward silence it’s probably not going
the way you think. So let’s talk about them.
First of all, let’s talk about it in terms of the problem and then I’m going to
give you the solution. This is probably the first module that you’re going to
get some really—I wouldn’t call them hardcore but I call them definite and
concrete tactics, strategies, techniques that you can use, alright?
So the problem, let’s talk about this because we’re getting into some inner
game stuff here and I know the guys just love the inner game. Let’s zoom
in here a little bit.
The problem is, the whole issue and this goes back into approach of
course. Ask yourself this question, “If you were with anyone else that you
weren’t attracted to, would you still have this problem of keeping a
conversation going?” I’m talking about this term in being in the
conversation, alright?
The approach is over, you got up the guts to say hello, how are you doing?
I want to meet you. My name is Carlos. Yaddiyadda. Now you’re talking to
her. If this person was anybody else that you weren’t attracted to like your
aunt or your sister or some guy at the mall, whatever it is, would you still
have this problem of talking to them? Would you have problems keeping
conversations going?
Well the fact is whether you answer yes or no, it’s an inner game thing.
You’re psyching yourself out, if you answered yes, it’s still an inner game
thing, you’re psyching yourself out. Think about that.
If you don’t have that problem, most guys don’t, most guys don’t have a
problem keeping conversations with somebody they just know they’re not
interested in. But you feel somehow more contractually obligated to keep it
going with a woman that you’re interested in, because you don’t want her
thinking that you’re a loser any way, shape, matter or form, do you?
It comes down to a masculinity issue, you’re validated by being able to
keep the conversation going and getting a woman interested in you back
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again. So if that doesn’t happen or it doesn’t happen in the conversation,
suddenly your masculinity is called into doubt, why is this? It’s just a
natural fact of social interaction that we start to—if our confidence is low in
this situation that we start to doubt our own identity a little bit. Kind of a
crazy thing huh?
So again, think about that. This is a really important thing.
If you or anybody else in that moment, would you be really be having the
same problem? Why not? That’s the thing I want you to think on. Why is it
not happening for you? Well it’s all because of the expectations.
Here is another way of thinking about this.
Think of the one person that you have no problem talking to, OK? It could
be your mom, it could be your aunt, it could be a friend, it could be a guy
that you went to school with, whoever it is, think about that one person, it
doesn’t have to be a woman. And then ask yourself, if it flows, if the
conversation flows with that person, why is it? Why does the conversation
flow with that particular person.
Safety.
Safety is probably the reason why you feel safe with that person. Safety
gives you this sense of—I’m not at risk when I’m talking to them, they’re
not going to somehow call me out, they’re not going to point at me and go,
“Hey, loser, loser. You just made an uncomfortable pause in the
conversation. Loser, loser, three-dimensional loser.”
It flows because you feel safe in the conversation, you don’t feel
threatened in any way. But when you talk to a strange woman, there’s a
sense of risk and jeopardy and hazard inherent in it, alright? It’s an
important thing to think about.
And if it stops, why does it stop? If you’re talking to a person and you’ve
got no problem talking to that person, why did the conversation stop?
Because the safety was lost in the conversation, somewhere it suddenly
stopped being safe for you to talk to that person, now anxiety jumps in its
place and your thoughts start going crazy. So you now have what we call a
thought storm. Things just go out of control, start flying through your head
and you can’t control what you’re thinking.
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And you also feel exposed, you now feel at risk, you feel like you’re in
jeopardy which triggers that lowest part right at the back of your head, the
back of your brain, that lizard brain part of you that’s fight or flight and tells
you, “Oh no, I’m at risk, I’ve got to take care of the situation.” It’s the
highest form of anxiety because we actually think that our physical well-
being is being threatened. It’s a psychological confusion that the brain
doesn’t know the difference about.
Safety is the critical factor in you feeling better about the conversation and
not letting them fall into those uncomfortable pauses when you don’t know
what to say and you go back up to your head and you’re like.
“Oh what should I say? What was that routine I read online? It was a
cool one too, something about—Oh I can’t remember any of this now.
Oh my god, it’s getting longer and she’s looking at her watch. And oh
my God, aaahhh.”
You see what happens, right? It goes out of control.
Here’s another part of the problem, fear. Oh yes, “False Evidence
Appearing Real. That’s what fear stands for in some circles. What’s the
fear of? It’s the fear of women - guys are just plain afraid of women.
We’ve been brought up in our society that women are now suddenly
empowered and we need to fear them in some way. We need to fear the
“diva” or fear this women empowerment thing.
I’m not talking down about women right now, what I’m talking about is this
over bloated perception we have about women. You have no reason to
fear women. In fact, a little secret on the side here, especially when I get to
the special program I’m going to do on how to understand women.
Women by large are much more scared than you or I will ever be. They’re
constantly in a state of anxiety and nervousness about a lot of the things in
their life and knowing that should make you feel a lot more reassured
about walking up and talking to her.
Another fear you have is the fear of exposure, it’s what we call the
impostor syndrome. The impostor syndrome means that we all go around
feeling like somebody’s going to see through this exterior person I created
and they’re going to see all those dark thoughts I’m having inside my head.
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All those times I thought about masturbating over a Sears catalogue or the
time I killed that frog, you know I didn’t mean to but then I started poking in
their guts to see what was inside them. You know those really dark things
that we have in our life, everybody has them. Every single person has
done something dark or thought something dark.
And our biggest fear is that that’s going to be exposed to other people and
then we’re going to be shamed and then we’re going to be driven out of the
tribe.
Wow, crazy stuff this evolutionary thing, huh?
The fear to being exposed or the whole impostor syndrome also stops us
from being real. You probably know my acronym by now but I’m going to
go over them again because it’s very important, the core of what I teach,
REAL.
The first, letter R, is relaxed and resourceful. You cannot be resourceful if
you’re constantly in anxiety especially when you’re in fear, you can’t be
resourceful with what you’re talking about with a woman, right?
The E is energized.
First of all, let me go back to the R, forget the rest of the word. The R
again, relaxed and resourceful. All of the problem is about not being
relaxed in a conversation with a woman. That’s really what we’re talking
about, what we’re talking about the part where the problem itself.
The R in real, relaxed and resourceful. You have to maintain that level of
relaxation in you that allows you to draw out the best parts of you.
And now the E is effective and energized. Well, that’s nicely applicable
here.
The A is authentic and alpha, of course.
And L is lifestyle and lasting.
Most relevant to what we’re talking about, the problem is that all of those
factors are affected and impacted by your ability to be not just real in terms
of that little acronym I gave you, but be a real person in front of her. You
won’t feel comfortable revealing your true personality if you feel like you
have to protect something. Very important.
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Alright, so that’s the fear aspect. What about ego?
Ego slips in too. Masculinity is a big part of your ego. It’s a big part of your
identity, your acceptance and validation as a man is built into your ego and
that masculinity is such a big part of the problem when it comes to talking
with women especially when we go back to awkward silences.
If you’re more focused on protecting or proving yourself, the less smoothly
your conversation is going to flow. Let me say that again, because this is
probably the biggest point of a problem that you need to know. If you are
more focused on protecting or proving yourself, keeping yourself away
from harms way, keeping yourself out of risk, not letting down the facade in
some way, the less smoothly your conversation will flow because you’ll be
falling back on ego protection mode.
What do you think ego protection mode makes you do? It makes you do
things that disconnects you from the woman. It makes you stop when,
you’re at that moment of being maybe slightly vulnerable, maybe the
moment is right to tell her, “You know what, I came over her and I thought I
was going to say a whole bunch of clever stories and I’m totally lost.
Forgive me.”
I’ve done that with a woman and I feel that little “forgive me” on the end of
it as like a way of me throwing myself at her feet but not in a begging sort
of way. Very important distinction. When you’ve able to focus on her in the
conversation on what’s happening between you, the conversation will flow
and you won’t run into the uncomfortable pauses.
Another part of the problem is rejection. It’s our fear of rejection. Unless
you’re failing and this is something that happens at the start of the
conversation, just a little note here because this might help you. We all
know that rejection is in there, the fear of rejection, right? Unless you’re
failing more than 75% of your approaches with women, don’t change
anything. Don’t change anything, because what happens is, guys think that
when they get a bad reaction from a woman, that somebody else who had-
had this perfect training, this perfect pick-up artist training would have
avoided it. They wouldn’t have had that problem but you did.
So there’s something that you don’t know yet. You better go learn it. Go
buy another book, OK?
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We know that isn’t true. What we really need to do is keep trying, because
statistically speaking you’re not going to get them all. You’re not going to
get them all. Trust me on that one and that’s OK, because you don’t want
them all. You only want the ones that are going to work for you and are
going to add to the quality of your life.
In the moment, this is another part of the problem. Being in the moment.
Again, this goes back to what I said that the ego about protecting yourself.
If you’re thinking about what you’re going to say next while she’s talking,
you probably caught yourself doing this, I know you have because I’ve
done it all the time. If you think about what you’re going to be saying while
she’s talking, you’re now killing the potential for attraction because she’s
reading the small body cues that you’re giving off.
Let’s say that you just unplugged from the conversation and you just
stepped back a little bit, maybe it’s the blankness in your stare, maybe your
eyes go, like that, just a little bit of a trace. You may not be able to see tha
t
on this camera but my eyes just kind of traced over on the side just a little
bit and then come back or a waitress passes by and I watched her for a
second and I looked back at her.
Those little things communicate that you’ve disconnected from the
conversation and she won’t even consciously recognize it, just a little part
of her will go, “Huh,” it’ll pull back. A part of her will pull back on the
conversation and make it more difficult on you because she’ll stop giving
you the investment, the fifty-fifty, the sixty-forty, whatever that may be, it’s
going to pull back and she’s going to 20 or 10% now because she feels,
guess what? At risk. She doesn’t feel safe anymore. So it’s just as
important for her to feel safe in the conversation as you.
And, a little tale on this thing here. A woman wants to feel your
conversation that you’re having with her is being like destiny and it just
happened from inside her and not coming from you. You didn’t make this
happen. She doesn’t want to feel like you made it happen because that
makes it weird and stilted and artificial. She wants to feel that things
clicked. You probably hear that phrase quite a bit, “It just clicked with him, I
don’t know what it was but we just clicked together.”
Well that click, that psychological sound of clicking or the psychological
interaction or click with another person is nothing more than the
naturalness of the conversation.
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Where you don’t feel like you’re unplugging and tapping into your routine
mechanism, you’re clever scripts that you’ve got and things like that. If it
feels like it just happened and that she was a part of it and it came from
inside her and she’s like, “Wow, I do have this attraction.” Not, “Oh, he just
gave me some attraction. I better use it for him.” That feels weird, right?
She’s going to view that as coming from her to you.
Now, after we’ve talked about being in the moment, we’ve really pretty
much beat up this problem. OK? Now you want solutions and that’s what
I’m here for, that’s what this program’s here for, that’s the solution, let’s hit
it, let’s hit it hard.
First of all, you have to have to feel safe in any conversation.
There are number of ways and I’m going to tell you how to do it. First of all,
the way to feel safe in any conversation, first of all you can have an
arsenal of techniques to fall back on, that’s how a lot of guys approach this,
they just memorize a shit load of techniques and they hope that that’s
going to cover them. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. The reality
is that, ironically, having all these techniques that you’re using, having
these will make you fail more often than not.
Too much information keeps you up in your head working up here rather
than being in the moment. You stopped being present and your anxiety
actually increases because you have all these material and you can’t use
it, “Oh no.” When something fails you that you think you’ve got to solve a
problem, you’re even more anxious than if you’ve never got them in the
first place. Then you forget the techniques and you become more anxious.
See where we’re going there? Craziness ensues.
So arsenal of techniques, marginally helpful. It’s good to have a few that
you know and that you have pull out, you don’t have to think about. But if
you have a lot of stuff floating around your head, you’re just shooting
yourself in the foot, my man.
Control over your state. This is a good one. This is an excellent way to
have this feeling of safety in any conversation. Control over your state,
there’s lots of different ways that guys do this. They’d do it through
hypnosis, they do it through affirmations, all of which are valid. I know a lot
of guys have had success with hypnosis, they’ve used self hypnosis tapes,
they’ve used the binaural ones where one’s playing in one ear and one’s
playing in the other.
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I will tell you this though and the fact of the matter is that everything works
if you work it. If you believe in it and make it work, it will work for you. You
could make—I’ve got a little guy put up on my monitor, I’ve got a Yoda doll.
“If I take this Yoda doll with me, everywhere I go and make him part of the
conversation, I’ll have no problem with conversations with women. Right?”
Well you know what? It’s actually true. I could have this little guy in an
amulet in my pocket and my belief that I invested in him would actually
make that conversation, I’d do better in it.
Is it really helping? I don’t know, it’s up to you to decide but I can make
Yoda work for me or I could have him and think, “Damn you, you little
plastic piece of shit, you’re not helping me at all.” It doesn’t matter, it’s what
I make, work. Some things are a little more valid than others. So what I’m
talking with you here are the most valid tools.
NLP is also a valid tool. Another good book for you to use is a book called
Slide of Mouth. It’s not easy to use so don’t expect it to be a handbook and
immediately understand NLP. It doesn’t work that way. Actually there’s a
great book called Introducing NLP, I highly recommend for you. Again,
something that I’ll give you in the resources.
Affirmations. Affirmations in the classical sense, I don’t really adore this
very much although they’re still better than nothing. Primarily because
most people do affirmations like this, they hear something cool that
somebody said and they listen to it and they say it out loud, “I am good
enough, I am smart enough and darn it people like me. I am good enough,
I am smart enough and darn it people like me.”
And after a while they started saying, “I don’t believe anything that I’m
saying. I don’t know why I’m saying it.”
Even what they’re saying in their words, this is what they’re thinking in their
head. Your mind will undermine you if you don’t believe it.
That’s why use what I call Anthems. This is my personal method of using
affirmations. Use anthems. These are emotionally driven affirmations.
These are affirmations that you are connected to that you actually chose
the words for it, you believe. You do that, affirmations will do the work for
you like a champ but you’ve got to put some energy in it.
The difference in an affirmation and an anthem is how much effort and
work you’re willing to make to do it.
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Most guys don’t - most guys don’t want to do shit man, you’re way on top
of that stack right now, you’re way above those guys because they won’t
do help themselves or improve themselves. They’re lazy as all fuck. I hate
to be all coarse about it but that’s just the way it is.
And by sheer fact that you’re sitting here and learning from me working on
this stuff, you’re already way ahead of the pack, you’re ahead of 90% of
them. So if you’re willing to do it and I know you are. I encourage you to
take some of those affirmations you may have heard and turn them into
anthems. A lot of my programs talk about that and I’m not going to that
deep here, again we’re not going into deep inner game, I want to keep real
tools.
Simplified tools. This is my preferred solution, OK? And I’m putting it here
to emphasize that you can have this arsenal of techniques or you can have
simplified tools. I say simplified tools because when they work, they will
give you a boost of confidence. A very simple opener that works every time
that will give you a boost of confidence the second to none.
The more confidence you have, the more you begin to use it. The better
you get at using it, the more positive results you get then you go back and
you use it again and again and again and it gets better and better and it
doesn’t matter what you say after a certain point. You start changing the
words, you start coming up with stuff, you pull out of your butt, you don’t
even know where it came from and it works. So simplified tools are always
the best thing. If it’s complicated, if it’s convoluted, if it’s hard to understand
in any way, shape, matter or form, do not use it. It won’t work.
Another way to feel safe in conversations because we’re talking about the
safety element, you want to feel safe. Remove the woman’s ability to lower
your value or masculinity. Take away her license to reject you. This is what
I’m talking about. Take it away from her. She doesn’t deserve it. She isn’t
qualified to hold it. Only you are. If you give that to her, if you give her the
ability to make you feel of low value or low masculinity, it’s your own fault,
alright? Take it back. You keep it and you control how you invest yourself in
the conversation. Very important.
False time constraint. This is—I still think that this is one of the most
effective tools and it comes from the old pick-up stuff, right? False time
constraint means you give her a time constraint by saying, “Look I’m not
going to be here very long, so don’t worry,” it answers the questions in her
head, “How long is this guy going to sit here and bug me?” And the same
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time it creates a certain level of abundance on your part because you don’t
seem like you’re needy.
You’re not just clinging to her because she’s the only person there to talk
to, “You’ve got a few minutes? I’m going to leave but I had to ask you...”
So a false time constraint is a great way to make yourself feel safe when
you’re going in a conversation because at any point, you can just pull the
plug on the chute and eject right out. Alright, so there’s the first one. You
want to find ways to feel safe in conversations.
Here’s another one. Focus on fast exchanges. What do I mean by this?
Remember what we’re talking about here is always going back to avoiding
the awkward silences that’s the part of the conversation that we’re talking
about. Even though I may go into general terms, we’re talking about the
awkward silence when it comes up.
One great technique for that to avoid it is to focus on fast exchanges with a
woman. No more than 20 seconds is the time when you talk to a woman.
You’re not going to talk for a longer than 20 seconds, alright? It may even
come to the point where you want to talk more but you can’t—you know
you’ve been talking for too long and you need to stop yourself and then
you’d get her to talk.
What that will do is it will build up a kind of a reserve of energy. You
suddenly stop yourself from talking too much, now you’ve got something to
say when it comes time to talk again. So that’s going to bottle up in your
head. You’re going to feel that as being a positive pressure.
I don’t know how to explain it, it’s kind of a satiric concept but it’s kind of,
it’s like, I didn’t empty my tank so I want to go back to the gas station and I
don’t need that much to fill it again. I’m not going to feel I’m running dry on
conversation all the time because I’m stopping myself. I’m keeping my part
of the conversation to a minimum to make sure that she contributes the
maximum. Try it sometime.
Try timing yourself. Let’s see what 20 seconds’ really is. Take your watch
out and just sit there for 20 seconds. Time it.
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Do you think you could say something meaningful in that space of time? I
think you can. I think you can probably say quite a bit. Maybe too much. So
again, keep your investment in conversation short like that because
number one, it helps her keep talking. Number two, it also helps you stop
from over talking, alright? And it will keep you bottled up with some
reserves.
Focus on emotional content within the conversation. This helps you
avoid those silences because when you’re talking about facts, you’re
talking about details, things that are very particular that she’s not that crazy
or interested in. You’re going to kill the conversation for you in the start
because there’s nothing there for her to burn in terms of fuel.
Emotional content in a conversation is very important because facts will
get you talking, they’ll start you talking but emotions are the goal of the
conversation. We talk to other people to start an energy loop between us
and them. I’ve talked about this in my couple of other programs and I’m not
going to go into deep, deep game here but remember that when it comes
to interacting with another person socially, you’re creating a feedback loop
with that person.
Every time you open your mouth and start talking to them, you start getting
a vibe and then you start saying things and you feedback off of each other.
It creates a closed loop of experience.
And you can start with that conversation with something very basic like
facts or small talk like we say, “Hey, how’s the weather? Oh I don’t know,”
that’s not emotional. When you get emotional then the conversation starts
to get a whole new life.
And those spaces don’t happen because the emotions carry you between
in the gaps. When a woman mentions an emotion, that’s your clue, dig
deeper. There a gold mine, there’s like a little glint of gold at the very top
and then there’s a whole vein of gold underneath that.
As soon as you see that she’s talking about emotion. You know, you ask
her what she’s doing and she’s like, “Oh, I’m OK, a little tired.”
“Why are you tired?”
“Oh, it’s just kind of emotionally exhausting, you know? I was kind of sad
that my dog died about 2 months ago and I, I’m not so sad about the dog,
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now I’m sad about finding a new dog because that new dog is going to
remind me of my old dog and I can’t choose.”
See where I’m going here?
Suddenly you started a spark because you chased the emotion not the
facts. Alright? Very important. And I also wonder how it is I’m able to have
these conversations like that sometimes I feel like I’m a channelling chick,
some sort of chick channelling ability.
Keyword tennis.
I just did it for you. I just gave you an example, listen for the words in what
she says and ping-pong off of it or tennis off of it. The way you do it is,
whatever she says to you, listen for one word to repeat, alright?
So you’re starting to talk with her and I’m going to use some basic
examples, you’re in a bookstore, and she picked up a book, maybe she’s
got one of those Harry Potter books and then she says, “Oh yeah, I got
one of these books, I want to go look through it, I have this niece of mine
that was really into Harry Potter and she really likes the movies,” and
you’ve got a whole ton of stuff there, what did I just give you?
First of all, she talks about the niece, that’s the first place I would go, “A
niece, oh really? Is it your sister’s child or your brothers? Oh OK.” See, and
then start to tap into the emotions because girls who have nieces or
nephews or any kind of niece or nephew relationship, they’re very keen on
it it’s because they are as close as they’re going to get to their own
children. Very important. So it’s a big emotional contact there.
The Harry Potter thing. You’ve got the books, you’ve got the movies, “Oh
did you see the last movie? What did you think of that? How did you feel
about it?” You find the words, you grab on to the words and bat them right
back. “Oh, Harry Potter?” Sometimes all it takes is just one word. You say,
“Niece.”
“Yeah, my brother’s little girl. She’s so adorable and she’s a little young
now, and she doesn’t quite understand everything.”
All I said was, “Niece,” and she starts talking again. The little triggers keep
it going for her, it’s like a poke in the ribs that keeps her going.
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Laugh at the elephant. Coming back to our main topic which was
awkward silences because that’s what we’re talking about, a lot of guys
worry about keeping a conversation going. That’s kind of the thing in
parenthesis here. How to keep the conversation going?
Laugh at the elephant.
This is the one strategy I use every single time that one of those
uncomfortable silences comes up. I don’t like to call them that because
they’re not really comfortable for me anymore, it’s like NLP thing, don’t call
one when it doesn’t feel like it, right? This is the one tactic that I use on
every single silence that comes into a conversation and works every time.
Laughing at the elephant means there’s an elephant in the room, right? If
there’s a pause in the conversation for whatever reason, point it out. I
mean like a second or two, give it some time, if you genuinely can’t come
up with something and you start feeling that anxiety, you go, “Oh, this is
one of those uncomfortable silences. I don’t want to get nervous about it,
you start telling me something. Start telling me about yourself.”
Flip it back, put the onus back on her.
You can laugh at it together, you can look at it, “Look at that, that’s the
uncomfortable silence right there.” And then you put the burden back on
her shoulders. Make her contribute to the conversation. “OK, I’m totally out
of conversation, I must have not filled up 98 octane conversations this
morning. You tell me about yourself.” Put it back on her.
This technique by the way is something I learned from the immeasurably,
invaluably brilliant scene in Pulp Fiction where Uma Thurman and John
Travolta are in that restaurant and they’re talking about whatever and then
there’s a pause, and she’s like, “Don’t you hate that?”
“What?”
“Uncomfortable silences.”
It’s a great scene, it’s one of the one’s I’m going to include in my little
movie breakdown and it emphasizes that that is the brilliant way to take the
piss out of a moment like that. You see it, you expose it for what it is and
you go.
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Have a fall back.
What do I mean by a fall back? I actually did this for a long time before
starting to learn from this stuff. I would go and take a bathroom break, I’d
say, “Excuse me for a second, I’ve got to go to the John, I’ll be right back
though. Don’t steal my beer.” And I’d go off to the bathroom and either on
my phone or on my sticky that I’d folded up and put on my wallet, I would
have a list of things to talk about.
Because inevitably, yes, I would get nervous and be like, “OK, I know I’m
supposed to be talking right now and she’s still talking but I don’t know
what to talk about.” You get nervous and again, you’ll relax when
resourcefulness kicks in. You’re no longer resourceful. So I had a sticky in
my wallet with a whole bunch of questions on it and a couple of topics,
“Oh, I know exactly what I’m going to talk about when I get back with her.”
I’d go back to her and I already got this conversation ready to flow. Right at
the top of my tongue.
So you’re probably asking, “Carlos, what did you have on that sticky?”
Here’s what I had on it:
One word: food. Food is an awesome conversational thing, “So tell me,
what’s your favorite food? Because I don’t think they cook some of the best
stuff here. I think it might be like an Irish-English mix because this is kind o
f
a pub.”
Movies. Everybody likes to talk about movies. There’s a whole bunch of
drama in those, just don’t get caught up quoting lines from movies and
again, watch out for movie facts. It’s not movie facts, it’s movie feelings
that will keep you in the conversation with her.
Her hobbies. This is one of those things that has kept me in the car that
kept me thinking, “Oh, duh, I was probably babbling by myself. I need to
ask her about her hobbies. What is it that she does?”
Pop culture. Pop culture make me immediately go, “Oh, wow, what did I
just see this morning? And that entertainment weekly thing.”
“Oh yeah, that tribute they were doing on Michael Jackson.”
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So then you’d say, “Did it bum you out about Michael Jackson? What was
your favorite song about him? Really? Does that the one that made you
feel?”
Music. Again, kind of related to Pop culture but it gives you a different
angle to go down. Find a way of talking about music that she’s into, how
she feels about it.
And I would also have a few power questions on that card, that would
always help me quite a bit too. Just having a few power questions on hand
that I may not have asked. Things like, one of the great dilemma questions
was, “Would you have like a big tattoo all over your left arm to save the life
of a child you will never meet from another country?”
And almost everyone would go, “Oh God, you would ask me that? Of
course I’d do it, but do I know this girl? Will I ever get the chance to meet
her?” They want to change the rules, it’s a great way to get a conversation
going.
So there you go, those are the things that I would keep on my little cheat
card and it’s a fall back, keep it in your wallet.
You can put it also on your phone now. I’ve also got an Iphone and I have
this clever little application that allows me to time it to ring me 15 or 20
minutes into a date and I can trigger it and can give me a reason to look at
my phone whether it’s to say, “You know what? I’ve got to get going. See
you.”
Or I can just go, “I’m sorry, my mom’s texting me again.” Because some
indicator will show up and she’ll know it’s for real. It’ll give me a chance to
look at, Oh, food. “So, what kind of food do you like?”
Have a story or two to throw into the mix. Having a few stories ready and
again, we’re going to have a story telling module in this class. Having a
good story or two to throw in at the right moment is excellent because at
any moment when you start detecting that little pause and that little
silence, you can sit there and go, “Oh, you know what? I just totally
remembered something,” and then you’ll start telling your story. That’s all
you need to do to tell your story.
A woman doesn’t want an excuse from you, she’s doesn’t going to go and
say, “Wait, wait a minute, what do you mean? Why are you telling me this
story?” She doesn’t care, she just want you to tell the story.
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Active questioning also keeps you there and present in the conversation,
so make sure you’re using active questioning. Latch on to the things that
she says that are kind of vague. You’ve got to probe into whatever it is that
she’s talking about. I’ll give you an example.
A lot of women say things in very general terms. She’ll say something like,
“So I’m out with my friends at this place.” Very vague, right? Don’t let it just
go like that, don’t interrupt her conversation just for the sake of interrupting
but you can really draw deeper into it by saying, “Which friend? What place
where you at? Was that during the week or during the weekend?”
Get details, ask her details, ask her to give you more, be more specific
with it because every time you do that, she’s going to remember more it
that keeps her talking and gives you more to latch on to bat back to her by
using that tennis thing, right?
Another example, “Oh, I like that movie.”
Pretty vague, right? You mentioned a movie that she liked and then she
says, “Oh, I liked that movie.” You’ve got to draw more out of her. “What
was your favorite part? Who was your favorite actor or actress?” Keep
pulling more information because that’s what’s going to keep it going, OK?
Don’t let her get away with just the, “I like that movie.” Alright? So probe in.
Whatever she says that’s vague gives you an opportunity to really actively
question her about whatever it is you’re talking about. And then, you have
the ultimate veto my friend, you have the ultimate end game and the
ultimate solution to any conversation that is not flowing or has a lot of
these silences in it. And that is to simply end it. Maybe you’re just done for
the night. Maybe this is all this conversation’s going to go and you want to
end it on a good note, you have the control, you need to be able to end it.
And in fact, that’s the way I would end most of my conversations whenever
I run into one of these awkward silences. Alright?
At some point or another, it will happen, but the reason I said they are
necessary by the way, I know I may not have explained that, the reason
the silences are necessary is because that when those come up, those
train you for much more advanced conversational ability.
Being able to manage them and get past them is important, because they
will happen in every single conversation. I guarantee it, if you go long
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enough, there’s a point where you’re going to go, “Whooh.” It always
happens. You have to know how to manage it.
And the other necessary part is, she’s watching you to see how you handle
it. If you could make her feel comfortable through it, you’re a winner. So
again, ending the interaction on your own terms. Book ends on the
conversation, you control the opening, you control the closing. Anything
that happens in between doesn’t matter. It can be totally vague, totally
uncertain to you and it’s no risk at all because you control, when you jump
in the pool and when you get out, OK? Very, very important because you’re
removing risk when you control this end bookmark.
And that’s what gives you the right to go, “Oh you know what? I’d love to sit
and talk to you all night but I was just about to ask you about something
but I’ve got to get going, by the way, what’s your phone number so that we
can maybe connect and talk again?” Boom. You’ve got another chance.
Gives you a chance to recharge, alright?
Not every conversation is going to be a massive epiphany or a fantastic
bonding experience. Some of them are just going to be very short and
sweet. So there you go, some of the ways to solve this problem for the
necessary awkward silences that you’re going to run into and how you’re
going to keep a conversation going.
A little view here, have a way to feel safe in a conversation. First and
foremost, because then you’ll be able to relax and you’ll be able to fill in
those gaps easier. Focus on fast exchanges so that you’re not talking very
long. The more she talks, the more things are going to be triggered in your
head that builds up potential conversation for you. And responses that you
can get to her and questions that you can ask.
Focus on the emotional content, not the facts. Do the keyword tennis that I
was talking about, pick up words that she says in your head and, “Blah
blah blah, Harry Potter, blah blah blah, my niece, 1, 2, buy a new car, blah
blah.” All that does, is it gives you the moments where it gives you, “Ping,
ping,” and have something to grab on to.
Laugh at the elephant. Make sure you point it out, point out the fact that
there are pauses there and be like, “Oh cool, we had our first
uncomfortable silence, we made it through. High five.” I do that with
women all the time and they love it, they think it’s hysterical.
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Have a fallback which is have something in your wallet, a cheat sheet.
Have a story or two ready to go that you’ve memorized, that you’ve
practiced that you can throw it in at any moment. That’ll get you through
some pauses too.
Active questioning. Make sure you’re asking her for more details than she’s
giving because that keeps her more engaged and gets her to invest more
in the conversation. And then when all else fails, you are the one that says,
“OK, I’m done.”
You’ll unplug and you’re done and you finish the conversation on your
terms. And that will keep you feeling safe as well as in the conversation
when you want to. And whether it’s at the start or at the end of an awkward
silence, doesn’t matter, you control it, you’re showing the initiative.
There you go. We just solved one of the big problems that guys have had
since God knows when. The uncomfortable silence and it’s really not
difficult once you get the hang of it, alright?
Next module, we’re going into storytelling. How about that? We’re going to
talk about how to create your story, the necessary elements and what kind
of story you want to create.
See you in the next module.
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YOUR STUDY NOTES:
u see differently:
This section is
important, as
of the 1.
material...
2.
3.
ht away:
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MODULE 4: How to Use Storytelling
Hey, it’s Carlos Xuma, welcome to the storytelling module of this program.
We’re going to cover story telling, I’m going to give you not only the basics
and fundamentals but some deep rooted understanding of how storytelling
works, why it works and how you leverage it and use it when you’re
learning how to talk with women. In any conversation with a woman or in
any conversation with any group, storytelling is an essential skill to have.
You simply can’t do without it these days.
I’m going to explain in a little bit why, because it’s one of those things built
into the primal mechanism of just about any man, woman and child on this
planet. We love stories. I mean, look at theatre, look at movies for
example, that’s what we’re going there for, we’re going there for visual
entertainment with a story. So let’s go into it. We’re going to cover
storytelling today.
I’m going to talk about the critical elements, we’re going to talk about what
it is, how to start using it, specific tools and exercises and then how to use
it within the context of a conversation or how to bridge in to storytelling. A
lot of the guys aren’t very secure or sure how to bridge into a story, it
seems like it might be a little bit weird to suddenly start saying, “Once upon
a time,” right? It’s not that hard and I’m going to show you how.
Let’s start with the critical elements. The critical elements of storytelling.
First is, emotion. Emotion, emotion, emotion. When you’re talking with
women, the most important part of the conversation is how well you
leverage and use emotion in the conversation.
I cannot emphasize that enough. It’s the one thing that grounds a woman,
it’s the one thing that pulls a woman into a conversation and it’s the one
reason that she’ll stay there and talk to you above and beyond any other
guy in the bar, in the club, in the party, in the anything that you happen to
be at or if you happen to be meeting her or talking to her, OK? Very
important to know.
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And as far as emotions, there’s one simple thing that you can say in any
point at a conversation, OK? It doesn’t have to be a storytelling situation,
you can ask one question and immediately pull her in closer. You’re going
to establish a much more solid line, you know I always use the metaphor of
when you’re talking to a woman, there’s like this filament that’s coming out
of your sternum and it’s connecting to her sternum and that filament
represents the connection between you two.
And you’ve got to think about that, how you want that connection? What do
you want for that filament? Do you want it to be a thin thread that’s barely
glowing, that’s black? No, you don’t want that. You want a thick chain, a
thick conduit between you and her. It’s a transfer of energy, back and forth.
It connects you and binds you.
So asking this one question, “How did you feel about that?” At any point of
the conversation, when she talks about anything, any event that’s
happened to her, you ask this one question and she’s going to immediately
have, all these little lights are going to turn on inside her head, she’s going
to immediately get much more engaged in the conversation. She’ll start
talking more frankly with you and it doesn’t happen instantly.
That’s one thing, she’ll say, “You know, I don’t know, I was kind of sad
about it really. Well, yeah, it really did get me down. I don’t know why.” And
you know, you’ll see her kind of like fall into state as she starts to
reconnect with the emotions. It’s kind of an NLP trick there, where you get
them to talk about the emotions you want them to feel. So ask again this
one question, I want you to memorize this one, “How did you feel about
that?”
How did you feel about that?
How did that make you feel?”
Asking that one question will immediately create a much more solid
connection between you and her, I can’t just emphasize that enough. So
think about emotions when you’re thinking about storytelling. And when
you think about your own stories, this question is very important. You
should be thinking about, “How did you feel about that?” Whatever it was,
the event that happened.
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You know, I’ve got a great story about the playboy mansion when I went to
go visit there. And I think about it but I also think about it now in terms of
the emotional content, because if I tell that to a woman in terms of the facts
of what happened, they’re not going to care. But if I talk about the
emotions I had as certain things were happening, well then I’m going to
have a lot more to talk about.
So emotions are the primary part of your stories. Keep that in mind, it’s the
only reason you’re telling the stories is to communicate emotions.
Details. Very, very important for stories and it’s not just the details of what
was the color of the car or how long was her hair or what was the weather
at the time, those are important details but again it goes back to what
emotions do those details bring out? But knowing details within the story
and knowing which details to use are very important.
Again, the most important ones to use are emotional details but also
sensory details. Anything that she can see, touch, feel, or what you can
really come to grips with, the closer to her body physically that they would
have to come to be a part of that story, the better that detail. Alright, I know
it’s going to sound a little weird. In other words, when I’m describing a car, I
can tell you what color it is, she can see a car’s color from a thousand feet
away.
She’s not really engaged or involved there, we can see from far away but
what if I brought up a detail about, “Oh, you wouldn’t believe, the car’s
finish had this kind of bumpy like finish to it, it was on purpose, it wasn’t
meant to be smooth, it was really wild when you ran your hand across it, it
was kind of one of those Braille books for the blind, it was really wild.”
That, she would have to imagine physically touching it and being there
connected to that car, that’s a totally different sensory state to put her into.
So think about that. Bring those details close to her as much as you can,
it’s not about facts or logic, again, it goes back to the emotion thing.
Remember, your stories are not about facts or logic, the point of the story
is to take her on an emotional journey. Now, however you’ll do that, that’s
up to you but the point here is emotion, emotion, emotion. Remember that.
So it’s not about facts or logic.
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And then, honesty, even in the fiction. This is a really important thing and I
haven’t heard anybody else talk about this. So you’re probably hearing this
for the first time. When it comes to stories, the most important thing about
a story for us that really makes it resonate, I mean, you can read a
hundred of those dime store novels that are just pulp, right?
They’re just entertainment, but the best fiction, the best authors, the best
writers in the world know that there’s one thing that sets the story apart
from all the other stories, and that’s this little level of honesty and truth
that’s inside the story. It’s what they call the truth. Now, when we say the
truth, do I mean that they’re telling the truth that it’s not really fiction?
No, that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m trying to think about a good
example for you, I remember one, How about reading about that Stephen
King book? He’s good at this, he has this moment of truth in his book when
you read it you’re like, “Oh,” it’s like you’ve had an epiphany, it’s like a
realization about your own life. He was talking about how this guy had just
gone through a tragedy and it was a couple of weeks later but he was still
in the throes of grief, I don’t know if it was about the loss of his wife or
whatever it was.
But he described it like this, he said, “It was like waking up and then you
start going about your day, you kind of forgot for a moment that this
horrible thing happened to you, and then suddenly in your head, you
remember it. Kind of like tripping over a basket of laundry you know need
to do.”
I can just visualize that for a second and be like that moment and you’re
having like, “Oh, I almost forgot how much in pain I am.” Right? It’s just like
tripping over a basket of laundry. That’s a moment of truth that somebody
can really grab on to and go, “Oh,” and connect with in a heartbeat.
And that’s what you’re looking for in all of your stories. If you can find this
truth in any story and either create a moral or a kind of a point to your
story, the end of it where you bring up what you’ve learned from that
experience, using that truth, there’s an unbelievable impact that it will have
on your stories. Trust me, it’s just an important thing.
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So remember that it’s honesty even inside the fiction, it doesn’t have to be
true but has to be honest. It can’t be trying to trick the reader or the viewer.
There’s a movie I saw recently, I think it was called “Next” with Nicholas
Cage and by far it was not one of his best efforts. It was entertaining on a
certain level but at some point in the movie, I don’t want to give way too
much here, if you haven’t seen the movie, you can read forward a little bit.
But in the movie, what happens is there is a whole long sequence where
you think you’re following along with the story and then suddenly, they
bring you back and it turns out he was just actually imagining all that stuff
happening in his head.
And you feel gypped and ripped off when that happens. And I think that
was probably the one thing that hurt the movie the most. Because it was
fairly entertaining up until that point but that was like, I feel like I’ve been
tricked, I felt like I’ve been gypped and I’ve been messed with. The people
who made the movie are going, “Hah, got you!” You don’t ever want to
make a person feel like that when you’re telling them your story, OK? Real
important. So, enough said about critical elements.
What is storytelling?
Storytelling communicates your personality. That’s probably one of the
biggest points of storytelling that you have to remember. You’re telling the
story so that you can communicate things about you to a woman that you
wouldn’t normally be able to. You can walk up to a woman and say, “I am
fantastic, I am the perfect guy for you. You should be dating me, in fact,
you’d want to marry me in a year.”
Now, all that might be true but by you telling her like that, no, she’s not
going to believe you. Nobody will believe you, right? It just sounds so
incredulous because you can’t trust somebody to tell you that about
themselves. It’s the weirdest thing. You should be able to but you can’t.
Most of your brain has actually evolved to be able to tell the difference to
figure a person out without them telling you anything about themselves.
Very interesting isn’t it? How we have these complicated layers of work
about our genuineness and authenticity that most of our brain has to figure
out a person’s authenticity not by what they say but how they act and
behave. So storytelling is like a subtle way of going around that
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mechanism and showing the things about you without telling her directly.
You communicate things about your personality. It gives you depth and
background, it makes you real, makes you a three-dimensional person, not
just some guy that walked into the bar to pick up a chick, go home and get
laid.
It’s very important that this fills in the gap of the conversation. Storytelling
serves a very big purpose and if you have one of those uncomfortable
pauses or awkward moments in a conversation and nothing’s moving
forward, you can pull one of these stories out and it’s kind of like an octane
boost to the conversation. It picks things back up again. It gets them
moving and that’s how it fills in gaps.
It also like I said, it bypasses filters and the shield that a woman has up
around her about you. She’s immediately doubtful about you - as you
should be about her. And the only way you can really decipher that person
or the only way that she can really figure out you is by reading you from
the things you say or what you say - and how you say it.
That’s why we construct stories or we create stories about ourselves, all of
which are going to be true, right? For the most part. I mean fictional stories
are fun, those are the fun stories but when you’re telling her a story about
your life that you want to communicate to her, it better be pretty true.
Alright?
You can exaggerate elements but keep it pretty much on the level. But that
story will bypass those shields, those defenses it’ll get through to her like
nothing else can. The second somebody walks up to you and says that
they want to tell you a story, you’re kind of like, when the second person
walks up to you and says, “I would like to sell you real estate.” You recoil
and pull away. Yet the person telling the story might be doing the exact
same thing, telling you a story about how he wants to sell you real estate.
So that’s what it is, now how do you start using it?
First of all, I want you to make a list of your personal qualities whatever
they may be. Another part of this program I think I mentioned a great book
called Now Discover Your Strengths, if you can find that in Amazon, you
can get a cheap copy. You want to take these strength assessment tests
that they have online. I think you can do it even without the book, go online
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find it and it’s a great way discovering what your strengths are. It’s just one
of these many different tests you can take to figure out your personality.
You can also take a Myers-Briggs test.That’s interesting because it talks
about your personal qualities.
There’re other different personality tests that’ll be more specific in different
ways about who you are, your inclinations, your strengths, the weaknesses
and all that stuff. But make a list of the qualities for yourself besides those
little personality tests which are very insightful, make a list of all the thing
s
that you know about yourself. Like for me for example, I’m a guitarist, I love
to play the guitar. I’m a martial artist, I love to do Kung-fu and Karate. I’m
big into sports cars or old muscle cars that had been redone in the last few
years like the Mustang, the Charger, the Camaro, things like that. What
else? Hey, I love Elvis.
It’s got one of those stupid little things. I am also really big on collecting
guitars, you know these are some of the little things that I can talk to about
myself. The list of those personal qualities, if I think about any one of those
things, I can immediately come up with a story about them. Like, I was just
talking about cars, I’ve got a little car here on my desk, it’s the cool
Bumblebee Transformer Camaro, this thing actually unfolds into the
Bumblebee from the movie, I know Geeky but very cool because I love this
design, this Camaro. I’m still thinking about getting one of these cars.
Just thinking about this car makes me think of, “Oh, my Mustang.” When I
got my Mustang, here’s my own little Mustang on my desk here, I’ve got all
a bunch of toys on my desk that makes me more creative. The Mustang
that I bought, I got on New Year’s eve of 2005 to 2006, it was just about to
turn 2006 and I remember that day because I was going to the store to get
some—a good friend of mine, CJ, he was going to go to the store with me,
help me buy some clothes, I think I should need a woman’s touch on that,
and that night I was going to sky just go in, have fun, party a little bit, I
didn’t have a girlfriend at the time, I just wanted to relax, to chill and hang
out.
And I’ve got a story that goes into about what happened that night at the
Sky and I had a great time, blah blah blah. But that’s cool because I can
talk about the story about that car and suddenly I’m thinking about all the
things that happened that day. I bought the car that day and I sat there for
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like an hour, just playing because it’s just a new car, right? And then, these
are the things that a woman can relate to. I would give that story more of a
point that’s kind of unfocused and scattered but I would pull that together
into a story.
What to communicate. Here are the things that you want to communicate
within the context of a story. You want to communicate personal power, it
doesn’t have to be real power like political power or anything like that or
even power within the organization that you work in. It’s power of your
ability to take the lead, take ownership, take control of the situation, that in
itself is power. I don’t want you thinking that your power has to be
something magnificent or lordly or wield a sword or anything like that.
We’re talking about power that you can use at anytime.
Even the least empowered of us has power over something at some point
in his life. He has the power to go and learn, he has the power to go out
and pick up a new skill of some kind, to put himself in a situation that he’s
never gone to before, that’s personal power.
Compassion is a very important one. Compassion within the context of a
story is essential as a matter of fact because that’s one of the things that a
woman’s looking for. Most guys give off bravado and these little
courageous things they talk about and they talk about a lot of facts and
things like that, but they don’t talk about compassion or feeling connected
to other human beings. That’s what compassion is really is about.
Communicate adventure and spontaneity. You should be communicating
that you’re an adventurous person. That on a turn of a dime, you can just
do something different, do something off the wall. Even if it’s not
necessarily your personality to do that, you might want to come up with a
story that talks about the time when you did. Everybody’s had one of those.
You know, when you said, “Screw it man, I’m going out to do something
totally off the wall.” Like I remember one night - here’s a story for you -
some high school buddies and I, we we’re sitting around in the house just
at 10 o’ clock at night and we’re like, “God, we’re so bored,” and we’re not
drinking, we’re just hanging out. And we’re like, “Hey, let’s go to Canada.”
And we we’re like, “What?”
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I was living in upstate New York at the time, where I grew up, and it was
about an hour and a half to Niagara Falls and that’s the boundary to
Canada. We we’re like, “Let’s do it.” So my friend got his sister and his
sister’s boyfriend, then it was me and my friend Chris and my friend John
and then Paul was driving. We all jumped in the station wagon, this
Beasley station wagon, took around $350 to fill the gas tank, probably got
5miles to the gallon.
We drove to Canada, we drove to Niagara falls, we got to a certain point
and we walked across the bridge to go over to the Canadian side and they
told us, “We’re sorry, you can’t come in.” It’s after 1 o’clock, it was like 1
o’clock in the morning and we’re like, “What? Are you kidding me? Canada
closes?” It was like the joke of the night.
Canada closes at 1 o’clock in the morning. So we hung out in the American
side, drove home and that was our joke for the next week. “You know that
Canada closes at 1 o’clock?” There you go, a little spontaneous story.
Independence and resourcefulness. You should be able to communicate
that you’re an independent person, that you’re resourceful, that you have a
certain amount of McGyver in you. If a woman were to be trapped
somewhere with you, she would not have to worry, this is another element
of safety by the way that you would be a very resourceful person, that you
would be able to find a way to survive in any situation you’re in.
The independence part means that you are self guided that you have your
own internal compass, that you go by your own rule book, you’re not
following other people. You also want to communicate acceptance by other
women or, I think mystery, or somebody calls this preselected - preselected
by women.
What you’re communicating in the story, you want to be careful on how you
do this, you don’t want to do it too much but when you communicate to
other women to accept you, that sends a signal to a woman that says, “Oh,
other women think that he’s OK. I must be able to, too - right?” It’s just
another social proof element.
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You want to communicate that you’re fairly easy going, that you’re not a
rigid, structured, scheduled kind of guy and I’ve got to admit to you that this
is one of the toughest one. I am a fairly structured kind of guy.
I like routine, I follow routines because it helps things accomplish in my life
and that’s my primary motivator. In that strengths assessment that I did,
the top 1 that I had was achiever which means that’s my most important
strength that says I get stuff done. And I’m willing to accept the fact that
sometimes I’m not so easy going but I have to work on that every so often
to try and be more easy going. I’ve got stories for that too - that I’m laid
back.
Ambitious. It’s really important to throw in a story about ambition, you can
work this into any story like you can stack a bunch of these into one story if
possible. But ambitious is really important because it shows that you have
a certain drive or propulsion within you, it’s moving you forward.
I teach kids martial arts as you probably know or may not know. One of the
things that I do, I think this is one of my strengths at the studio is, the
women there, the mothers, really like having their boys study with me
because I am very particular. First of all about how I teach, what I teach
and to kick them in the ass to get them moving and learning stuff. And not
like one of those lackadaisical teachers that say, “Oh, that’s good enough.”
No, I’m going to correct you, I’m going to give you a compliment here and
there if you deserve but I’m also going to tell you where you need to
improve. And I’m also going to watch you and if I see you slacking or not
very motivated, I’m going to kick you in the ass. Sometimes I’m going to
kick you so hard, I’m going get my foot stuck up in your ass but I’m going
to make sure that this kid gets motivated and moves.
And they appreciate that because one thing I’ve seen is that every mother
hates about her boy when she sees him, you know she loves her child but
she hates seeing this trait of a boy and that’s a lack of motivation or
ambition.
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She hates seeing that in her boy because she knows that that’s the one
thing that women are attracted to. Women are unbelievably attracted to
your level of ambition. So you can come up with a story that shows your
ambitious side. That you aren’t going to just take what is given to you, you
want to go out there after it all, right? Go for the Gusto they used to say.
Ambition, put that in your stories.
Now, after you do that, after you’ve figured maybe a story that fits one of
those particular areas or use one of those areas, then I want you to find
stories in life that communicates those traits. Everybody’s got them, like I
said, with just reading those off made me kind of think down the chain a
little bit, so things back up.
Acceptance by other women.
I’m thinking about of a good story, going back to the playboy mansion, the
acceptance by other women, I was hanging out with a group of women
from this company that makes little trading cards, hot women and all these
poses and things like that. I hung out with them for a little while, talking to
them and I kind of felt like I was on a good level with them, we were really
connecting and when other people came to that table, they immediately
associated with me as being kind of a leader of that group because of the
interaction and the vibe I was giving off by having just talking with these
women.
So guys who come over and see me talking with these hot women would
immediately think that I was the alpha of the group. That’s an acceptance
thing, that acceptance by those other women actually rubbed off on
everybody around me. It was very cool but that’s one of those things that
you’ve got to look for and to find stories from your own life. Take a little
while, look through those power and passion and venture spontaneity,
independence and resourcefulness, acceptance by other women, easy
going and ambitious, these are just some of the things, we sure can think
of a lot of positive traits to communicate but these are probably the most
important.
So find some stories in your life that communicates those traits, write them
down in your journal or wherever you have keeping the written information
that you’re working on in this course. You are doing that aren’t you? Good,
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thought so. Then I want you to polish and refine your story as you build it
and start to tell. The best way I found to do this is to start out with just the
core elements of your story and then just wing it a couple of times.
What do you mean by winging the story? Try it on your friends. Call up to
somebody to work on the stuff with you and say, “Dude, I want to try this
story out on you. Let me see how it sounds.”
And then again, polish and refine it, as you tell it, you’re going to get
feedback from people, you can tell them that they kind of unplugged or
kind of like, “Ah, oh,” you know you can tell they’re not interested. You can
tell the other parts whether they’re like excited or on the edge of their seat
for more. Those are the things you want to find and tweak within the story.
Here are some exercises that can get you started building some good
stories. I want you to make a short list of life experiences that you had.
Make a short list of life experiences you’ve had, there’s so many that
you’ve had, you’ll just probably think, “Oh man, my life’s boring, nothing’s
ever happened to me.”
No, no, no dude. I guarantee you’ve got some pretty cool stories. You don’t
have to be some wild adventure playboy type, you don’t have to be Hugh
that has done all these great stuff in his life or one of these guys.
You can find quite a bit of life experiences that you can play up, maybe you
can even exaggerate a little bit to build in. Again, it doesn’t have to be
extreme, don’t think that you’re story has to be an extreme sport story or
extreme adventure story, it doesn’t it at all. Ask yourself, here’s some
questions, we can use these and it’s a great way to kind of feed the
process.
What’s the most exciting moment I’ve ever had?
What’s the most emotional moment I’ve ever had?
What’s the most self-defining moment I’ve ever had?
What’s the most embarrassing moment I’ve ever had?
What’s the most loving moment I’ve had?
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What’s the funniest moment I’ve had?
What are some stories that are needing more stories?
In other words, sometimes you run into some point in your life that you’re
like, “Man, things are boring, I’m not doing much of anything. I need to do
some more stuff so that I can have stories to tell other people.” Even that’s
a story because that makes you kick your ass out the door and start doing
some things.
When I first moved to San Francisco Bay area, I didn’t have a lot of friends,
didn’t have a lot of activities. So one of the things I’ve kicked myself in the
ass to do was to go on this kayaking trip on the ocean and that was a
pretty cool trip. As a matter of fact, when I got down with the trip, I bought a
kayak, kind of crazy I know, I’ve strapped it to my friend’s roof and drove it
home and I was a kayaker for several years. So there are stories about
needing more stories. At that point in my life, I needed more stories, I went
out and I got them.
Write down this list of your qualities, this helps you come up with stories
too. Make a list of experiences that brought out those qualities in you. So
when you talk about things, like in my case, the achiever side of me was
an experience that brought out that quality of needing to get stuff done or
as I like to call it GSD, get shit done.
I’ve had had that happen a lot of the times but I think I had it most when I
was a kid, it was my first job, I was actually working as a camp counsellor
for kids. I was really young, I wasn’t probably much older than the kids I
was working on with, but after that was over with, they gave me a job
continuing for the rest of the summer by working at the town hall and doing
clean-up for the county and things like that. And I would just get on the
lawn mower and get that stuff done and I’d go running over to the guy to
get more things to do, I’d just felt like the urge to get things done. So
there’s a little story there.
Make a list of experiences that tested those qualities in you. Not only they
brought them out but they tested you. It’s a good way to come up with
good stories about yourself. So there’re some questions to ask yourself to
help you come up with those life experiences that will generate stories.
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Again remember, it doesn’t have to be an extreme, it can be very normal
but you make it extreme in your own way with your emotional content.
The bookstore exercise. Go to the bookstore and I want you to pick up a
cheesy romance novel. You don’t have to read it, you don’t even have to
buy the damn thing. I want you to look through it, I want you to look at the
descriptions that they have in those books, you can do this in erotica too
because it’s very similar in a lot of ways. Look at the way the authors
describe things. There’s a reason why romance novels are the top selling
books by women.
And that is because they use descriptions in there, they’re constructed in a
way that appeals to a woman’s psychology and if you’re not studying that
sort of thing, you’re just basically saying, “Oh, I don’t need to learn that. It’s
the goal I’m going after but I don’t want to learn it.”
Come on, it’s the perfect way to learn how women think. So go get a
cheesy romance novel, look at how they describe the things in there. I
really mean this one by the way.
I’m not just telling you this stuff to blow smoke up your ass and come up
with lame little exercises for you to do things. Go do this one. I know a
great book to get by the way is My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday. It’s
got some really good information on that one.
Another exercise, I want you to start describing things in detail, whether
it’s in your head or in your journal or wherever you want to do it, find ways
to describe things.
Here’s a little helmet I got when I was in Greece, it was kind of like the
“300” thing, you know, from the movie? If I was going to describe this, I
would describe this as being kind of brass, I could describe the facts, it’s
got some rust on it, some tarnish, it’s like the helmet they used to wear with
the brush on top.
I could also say, “You know what? This thing reminds me—I can imagine
this as being on my head, that nosepiece there, somebody’s swinging a
sword. You’ve got this horse’s hair, that mane thing brush going across the
head. I’m not sure why they put that on there but it’s a trip. And just the
way that green tarnish kind of accents it, makes it look more antique, I
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could have pulled this off or find somewhere a dig in the middle of nowhere
in Greece. Obviously it was a very small person wearing it.”
See what I’m doing? I’m trying to imbue a little more emotional content and
detail. Describing things in detail gets you thinking about adjectives,
thinking about how you’ll describe something. A lot more, I can do a lot
better than that but you get the idea.
Another exercise, listen to a woman’s conversation, listen how women
talk to each other. It’s just as good as that bookstore exercise, buying a
romance novel. Listen to how women say things and talk about things with
each other. You’re going to immediately understand how they
communicate and how you need to start trying to communicate to them.
Not exactly the way a woman does because you don’t want her thinking
subconsciously, “Hey, I’m talking to another woman.”
But you do want to reach her on the same wavelength. Women talk to
each other in a certain way, and the more that you can relate to that mode
of communication the better. Again, you don’t have to like it, you just have
to be able to emulate it. They talk about relationships a lot. Women talk
about relationships, they don’t talk about football facts, they talk about how
those football players get along with each other. That’s more of a concern
to them than anything else. And of course, emotional content, when you
hear their conversations, you’re going to hear a lot of emotions described.
How they felt about things not how big something was, how small
something was or the facts about it.
Then you need to write down, sit down, this is the most important exercise
that you can do. Write down a story of your own. Bullet points only, not
word for word. There’s a reason why, I know that I a lot of people would
give you advice saying you need to write it down word for word, I don’t
want you to do that, because then you’re going to feel like you need to
memorize it word for word and that’s going to put you back up in your
head. Because the next time you go out and actually tell the story, you’re
going to try and match what you memorized.
That’s not the point. The point is to come up with the important things as
much as you can and not get caught up in here trying to pull out the
memorization. Again, like I said, memorize only the order and the important
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details. The order of what you want to say and the important details. Then
forget that you actually memorized it.
I say that because again, I don’t want you getting into a conversation and
then somewhere in your head you think, “Wait a minute, I’ve got a
memorized story that I can use. I’ve got to relate that word for word
because I memorized it so just I would be able to do that.” And you feel
obligated to recite it like you’re reading some play or some poem that you
memorized. You lose a lot of life in it.
Have you ever known somebody that memorized something and they
recite it back and they say it really quick and they say, “blah blah blah,”
there’s no emotion in it, they just memorized it? There’s no emotions there,
it’s much better if you just memorized the important points and then kind of
extemporaneously and just improvisational come up with other stuff to add
to it. Don’t worry, you will, it’s a better way to relate your story.
Do this for 2 to 3 stories. You want to have 2 or 3 good hip-pocket stories
that you can pull out at any given moment and talk about something and
you need to listen for words in her conversation, I’m going to talk about
that and how you pull it out and how you actually relate it back to the
conversation.
The meta-skill comes after you do this a couple of times. After you’ve come
down with the process of writing down the story of your own, bullet points
only, memorize just the order and some of the details then forget that you
actually memorized it, just go out and start telling it, once you do this a
couple of times, you’re not going to do that process ever again. Because
you’re going to come up with other stories and you’ll know how to tell them
based on having done that before.
It’s really weird, that’s what I’ve noticed is that I come up with new things
that I remembered suddenly from my childhood and I’m instantly, as I’m
recalling it, I’ll know how to tell the story based on how I’ve learned to tell a
story. I won’t just become a random stuff, I won’t just come up with a
starting stuff and then the ending stuff and then I’ll backtrack, I’ll come
back again.
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I will actually know how to relate a story to somebody as I’m recalling it and
saying it. It’s really weird but if you do it a couple of times with a one story
of your own and you’ll see what I mean, it comes naturally. You’ll be
immediately be able to just create stories off the cuff based on your
experiences.
So there is the exercises portion for you and how to start or get started on
this. Here’s how you actually use stories in your conversation. First of all,
keep them short at first. The shorter the better, that way you don’t have a
lot of stress about telling a big long story and the other person doesn’t
have to get bored with you trying to tell the big long story. The shorter the
better at first.
Feed off of the keyword in something she says that reminds you of your
story. In other words, if a woman mentions anything about Niagara Falls,
upstate New York or Canada, chances are I’m going to immediately go,
“Oh, that story I have about going to Canada and closing at 1 o’clock.” I
can come up with that one. It’ll just come up out of the blue, naturally.
There’s a lot of stuff that kind of hinted that, like when she was talking
about her friend going to go see a shark’s game which is a hockey game.
Hockey, I remember hockey from being back in New York. That’s ice, New
York - big on hockey, Toronto and I’m thinking of all these areas that relate
back to my memory of that story.
For example, and this is how you actually bring it into the conversation if
you’re worried about, “Hey Carlos, how do I actually start telling the story
and make seem like it fits into the conversation?”
Easy, say something like, “You know, that reminds me of...” and start your
story.
I was talking to my friend about starting that and I remembered, I want to
get your opinion on something, “I once...” again, “as you’re saying that you
reminded me...” these are all different ways that would just segue into the
story.
Believe me, once you start your story the woman’s not going to stop you
and go, “Whoa, wait a minute. That doesn’t connect with what I was talking
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about.” It doesn’t happen, she wants to hear your stories so she’s going to
immediately go along with it.
Channel that experience and emotions. The one thing that I can tell you
to really, really improve your stories once you start telling them, is to start
to relive the experience of whatever it is you’re telling.
Like let’s fall back to my story about the Playboy mansion and the hanging
out with those chicks. I can kind of remember, it was a warm summer night
and this really nice weather, I remember there was no wind and I’m
remembering that I felt really good that night. I had a couple of drinks, just
hanging out, chilling out, talking to some of the guys.
There was a couple of friends there that I knew, like Brad P. and Nick
Savoy from Love Systems, some other people were there, they were
actually holding a boot camp at the time. I was talking to some of their
guys, some of my friends actually showed up there that I had no idea were
going to be there. I’m starting to remember this now, I’m starting to feel the
emotions of being there again. That helps a lot, to be able to recall those
emotions. It will help give life to your story and the enthusiasm when you
need it. So feel the story as you’re doing it, channel the experience and the
emotions.
There you go, storytelling in a nutshell.
That’s pretty much all you need to know about storytelling. The hardest
part about this is really just finding something to tell a story about and then
doing it. You don’t need a lot of clever detail, you don’t need a whole week
long, boot camp of storytelling. You just need to sit down and do it and try it
and start working it. That’s it. There’s no secret to this, it’s not that hard.
Get going, get 2 or 3 stories under your belt and be able to pull them out
when you need them and trust me, you’re going to be doing a lot better
than most guys doing conversations with women.
How to talk to women is not difficult when you have things to talk about.
And having a few good stories will actually help you feeling like you’ve got
ammo to keep going.
So on the next thing that we’re going to talk about, you’ve got it, humor.
How to make women laugh. See you then.
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YOUR STUDY NOTES:
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MODULE 5: How To Make Women Laugh
I’m a comedian?
Well yeah, hopefully you are a little bit.
We’re going to talk about humor right now in this module and how it works,
the different types and the different keys to using it. This is one of the
things I have to really be careful explaining because a lot of guys think that
you can just learn humor from a book or learn humor by listening to
somebody’s explanation of it. Humor very much falls into the category of
art form as opposed to something you can just learn to by rote.
At the same time, there are a lot of things you can just do really quickly to
step-up your humor from whatever level you may be at right now and you
know, increase it quite a bit and improve it quite a bit. So those are the
things I’m going to focus on right now.
But at the same time, I’ve got to tell you, being a funny person runs the fine
line of being one of those things that either you have it or don’t.
But the problem is, everybody really does have it - they just kind of pull
themselves away from the more humorous side. They got really serious
and they covered themselves up with a bunch of serious stuff and they
haven’t learned how to let out their inner goofball. And that’s what we’re
going to talk about today.
Humor, why does it work?
First off all, why does humor mean so much? Or why does it mean so
much in conversations when you’re learning how to talk with women?
Humor is, first and foremost, it’s a release to the nervous system.
I know you’ve never had this experience before but have you ever had a
moment of “A-ha” where you just suddenly realized something, something
that you’re trying to figure out and somebody’s tried to explain it to you in a
way that finally clicked and you’re like, “Oh,” and literally you laugh. You
laugh because you see what you couldn’t see before and it’s a release of
energy.
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If you’ve ever gone to a comedy show, the same thing is true, humor ends
up something as being of a release. When you get out of that show, you
feel kind of laid back and relaxed because you laughed for a while.
Laughter really is a medicine. Dr. Norman Cousins has actually proved
this. He had cancer and he put himself on a strict diet of Three Stooges
films and comedies and things like that and he laughed himself, literally
laughed his cancer away.
Now, this isn’t something that every guy out there would do, but he did it in
such a way that he proved that having a positive comedic―having humor
in his life at that point was the most essential thing because it stimulated
his immune system. It actually was doing healthy things to him that
combated and actually helped him overcome the cancer in his life. Now if
we can just do that on a daily basis with out stress, that’s more than worth
it if you ask me. So remember, humor is a release.
Women feel it as a release. What else in your life is a release? Sex?
That’s why humor is so closely paired in a woman’s mind, it has that same
element to it. Humor as well as a good orgasm is also a form of a release
to her.
Humor is also a primal signal of intelligence, they’ve done studies on
this, I’ve actually published a few on the blog that they talk about the fact
that humor is an evolutionary mechanism. The reason that women are
actually attracted to guys with a sense of humor is because having a good
sense of humor means you have an intelligence to see patterns which is
actually the next thing.
It’s a primal signal of intelligence, your ability to laugh at things and
manage your own stress is a survival trait but it’s also an indication of
having advanced pattern recognition. Think of what advanced pattern
recognition could mean to some caveman somewhere who’s trying to
survive in a very chaotic and uncontrollable world where he has to fight for
his food. He has to hunt his food, he has to think of clever ways to help his
family survive.
Pattern recognition is extremely important and that’s where humor again
comes into the mix. If you listen to what comedians say, what they’re doing
is, they’re just seeing patterns of things and relating them back to you in a
way that you go, “Oh, I didn’t see that before.”
Right? That’s pretty much it.
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So that’s why humor works. That’s why it’s an essential primal mechanism
for women. They just need that release.
I also have a theory that humor is important because humor shows that a
guy can manage the stress level in his life but also he cannot take things
too seriously. Guys who take things too seriously tend to be strung too
tight, they’re a little bit wrapped too tight but a guy that can have a good
sense of humor about things is going to have a lower threshold of blowing
his stack when the time comes.
In other words, he can manage stress, manage the stressful things in life.
So that’s one of the things I believe.
Now, the different types of humor. This is important too because you’re
going to find in here some strengths of your own. You’re going to recognize
when these types of humor being one that you can grab hold on to and
leverage, and you should.
Jokes, pretty obvious for me, humor, right? It’s the one I think most guys
fall into. Jokes are a good form of humor because they allow you to
memorize a pattern of humor and relate it again. It’s like a module of
humor that anybody can take and reuse and get the benefit of, right? All
you’ve got to do is learn a few lines from a joke I read somewhere whether
it’s on the playboy advisor or some tasteless joke book somewhere, I retell
that joke, instant transfusion of humor. But there’s also a kind you want to
be careful about using. You don’t want to tell too many jokes. You don’t
want to overwork it.
Cocky and funny. This one’s really important especially in dating,
especially when you’re talking with women because it’s the most effective
form of humor that women respond the most to and gets you the most
results in terms of building attraction and connection.
Beware though, this is one thing that most of gurus out there don’t talk
about. If you’re considerably attractive in any way and you know what? I
hate to say this but most guys are.
I have to say that when you ask women, “Oh, what do you think of
him?” (and it could be ANY guy)
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Almost every woman would say, “Oh, he’s cute.” But the guys that stand
out a little bit, if you know that you’re a little bit more attractive than maybe
some of the other guys out there, maybe you’re a 7 or an 8 or a 9 or a 10
on a scale, beware.
Because using cocky-funny can often make you look a little bit
arrogant.
Be careful and beware of this, a lot of guys don’t know that but they use
cocky-funny, you know, they’ll make jokes about, “Oh, you just want me for
my body.” And that sounds stuck up coming from a guy who actually is
attractive, right? It sounds like he’s joking about something and it suddenly
got that ring of truth to it with the woman’s going, “Oh well, maybe other
women, but now not me.” OK? So keep that in mind.
Teasing. Really important there again. I can start teasing and can be
different from cocky-funny by the way because teasing is a slightly different
energy, I think it’s a distinctly different energy. You are using an energy that
you used to use when you were a kid, you just forgot how to use it. You
know, you’re poking a little fun. It’s coming from a much more confident
frame. So teasing of course can also be funny and should be funny if it’s
doing anything else but teasing.
Sarcasm is also a form of humor. Unfortunately though, I’ll put a little
asterisk on this, it’s dark. It also communicates bad things about you in
some ways. It’s like you’ve got an acidic aftertaste that you’ve got this bitter
edge to you. There are some comedians, when you listen to them, you’re
like, “Wow, that guy’s like. He’s angry. He’s pissed. He’s funny, but he’s
angry.”
Let me give you an example of the exact opposite of this. One of my
favorite comedians is Eddie Izzard and his humor is, I just think to be,
probably the perfect form of humor because it’s so laid back, so casual, so
goofy, so fun, that you can’t take offense at it. It’s just fun. And he’s the
exact opposite of sarcastic humor.
Somebody like Dane Cook, I’m not saying that he’s not funny but he’s got
that angry edge to him and you get that feeling of, “Wow man, whoo.” But
that’s where a lot of humor comes from, it comes from a little bit of anger.
There’s also the sexual double entendre, or however that French
sounding thing is, the double entendre is when you say something that has
dual meaning.
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It’s the kind of thing that, it was in Beavis and Butthead. Butthead would
always laugh, “He said ‘blow.’” Where you say something, “Oh, she blew
it.” That’s funny because that has a dual meaning, right?
Those can be funny and you should use those in conversations. You have
to know when to use them, and you have to know how to not overuse them
to have a good effect with them. But they’re a great form of humor too.
Another is my personal favorite. It’s the goofy-silly.
This is where you are just plain, letting your personality float man, you’re
just kind of taking down all the barriers around you. All the stupid defense
mechanisms, all the protection mechanisms really that try and keep you
shielded away from somebody so they can’t see the real you and you’re
just letting yourself be a total dork, a goofball.
I used to do this when I was a kid and I would keep my cousin in stitches
this goofy character I used to call, “His name was George,” he was kind of
little bit slow but he was kind of funny. And I would just do these goofy
faces and I would be this total dork ―I didn’t have anything to memorize, I
just had to ask like this dork. The girls would just love it.
My cousin had some really cute friends, that’s why I liked hanging out with
my cousin. Her friends would love it, they would eat it up, they think it was
hysterical because I was just kind of being goofy. I wasn’t trying to be
somebody I wasn’t because I was kind of goofy but they loved it.
It was like letting them see a part of you that they know is there and most
guys are hiding but they want to see. And it’s that ability to be vulnerable. I
think that goofy-silly really translates to vulnerability on a funny level. And
of course there are other types but these are some of the primary types of
humor that you’re going to use.
And you’re going to find it, one of these is going to be the one that you will
fall into more than another. Sarcasm, I would advice that you would take
some of the angry edge off of it and you can still make it fun. Teasing same
thing. Jokes, a lot of guys tend to fall into this category, they just like usin
g
jokes. You’ve got to know how to use it.
Here’re some advice on teasing. First of all, smile when you’re delivering
this stuff, not like a goofy, but kind of have a little bit of a smirk. The woma
n
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that you just met doesn’t know how to calibrate to you yet. She doesn’t
know how to read you.
So you’re going to have to smile to compensate for that. You let her in on
the joke a little bit by going, you make a little face at her, kind of like,
“Come on, you know I’m joking, right?” You’ve got to let her in on it. If
you’re too serious, you run the risk of her reacting to what you’re saying
before she’s had the chance to be let in on the joke.
Practice your timing. This is really important. Timing is really important.
Steve Martin used to have a joke of his own, he said, “You know, it took me
a while to catch on to being a comedian because they say that comedy is
all about timing.” You know he used to joke about that but timing within
humor is very important because when you pause, you can give weight
and meaning to things. If you know when to not say something.
Did you see what I just did there? I just paused, I drew your attention for a
second and then I finished what I said. Pausing at the right time, I would
have to be guilty, probably the most guilty of not pausing very much, “I talk
fast.” Pausing will give weight and meaning to anything that you’re saying
and it works especially good in jokes. Knowing when to just stop for a
second, wait for it, “And then the farmer said,” you know.
Don’t laugh at yourself. In other words, don’t laugh at your own jokes.
Don’t be the first one, after you told a joke to go, “Ha ha.” You know, that
looks stupid, you look stupid because you look like you’re just. You’re not
looking self-amused, you look like you’re just clueless. So don’t be the first
person to laugh at your jokes. They have to be.
Humor is tension. And you’ve got to know how to really build up tension
and ride it a little bit because remember, humor is tension release. Also,
when the punchline comes, the more tension you had before it the more
laughs after it. If you don’t get a laugh during your joke, whenever it may
be, make a self-deprecating remark of some kind, not too much, don’t say,
“Oh man, I’m such an idiot. How could I be so stupid?”
I think of the ultimate example of this self-deprecating thing is being Chris
Farley, you know when he used to do that thing when he’s like, “Oh, that’s
so stupid.” He used to hit himself on the head. He’d slap himself around.
He went to the extreme. He would do anything for a laugh, right?
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If you don’t get a laugh, you can just make a self-deprecating remark like,
“Note to self, go back to improvisation class, OK? Do you have any jokes?”
You know you can have fun with the moment of having fun with yourself.
As a matter of fact, not getting a laugh is often a good thing because the
next joke you tell, they’re going to want to laugh at, they really will and as
long as it’s not a lame one, you’ll do fine.
Jokes.
When it comes to jokes, start the conversation with humor but don’t go too
far. This is important.
Humor is meant to spice things up and then you delicately throw it in along
the way. It’s just like seasoning your cooking. You have to know how and
when to throw humor in. First of all, remember that humor is simply not an
essential element of every single conversation.
It’s good to have a light hearted air about you and I think I talked about that
in another section of this program. It’s not essential though that you’re rip-
roaring Seinfeld comedian, really, go easy on it. It doesn’t have to be a big
deal. So it just basically spices things up and then you delicately throw it in
along the way. You don’t have to be super-humorous funny guy.
Think about funny movies. Funny movies are not funny all the way through
because you would literally be like, 20 minutes in and you’d be, “OK, I’ve
got to take a break man, this is sickening.” They know how to pace
themselves, they know how to throw the humor at you and control burst.
They know when to throw something a little funny and then they know how
to top it off with something that’s super funny. OK? Think about that. When
you watch a comedy, how they constructively use that.
And then think about the mistakes you’ve seen in certain comedies. One
that comes to mind is Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. I think it’s a great movie, I
love that movie but one of the mistakes was that serious moment there
where Cameron is getting pissed off at her dad’s car. It really gets
uncomfortable because there’s nothing really funny in there, even when he
trashes the car, you’re kind of like, it’s a little bit of a nervous laugh but that
whole section is not very funny. But again, that was a dramatic portion of
the movie and it was meant to be that way, I just think they dragged it out
too long without kind of figuring out the pacing of it. So again, funny movies
are a great way to hone that skill.
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If a woman responds negatively to your humor whatever it may be, maybe
tease or used cocky-funny, and you think you might have made a mistake,
just apologize in a good natured way. Just say something like, “OK, I went
too far. I’m sorry. Here, slap my wrist. Slap my wrist please. No, you’ve got
to slap my wrist because otherwise I can’t go on with the conversation.”
You have fun with that moment, apologize and then move on.
If she doesn’t get over it, get rid of her. If the woman that you’re talking to
takes something you say offensively and then won’t let it go or acts bitchy
or just can’t seem to get past it, think of what being with this woman for
more than just a night would mean. Honestly, there’s a certain price you
don’t have to pay to get a woman.
And one of them is dealing with the bitchy women that are out there. The
one with no sense of humor, the one that are too structured, the women
that just don’t plain get it and aren’t very fun to be around. Alright? So a lot
of pretentious diva women around these days. And you’ve got to watch out
for them. So if she doesn’t get over it, get rid of her. That’s my motto.
Calibration. Assume a woman is cool but again, ease your way into
humor. I have been very guilty at times of using sexual humor and using
risqué humor a little too early in the conversation and as a result, I turn
some women off. I remember distinctly actually, I met this one gal, she was
really cute and I was sending out e-mails at the time I was writing my own
rants, kind of like Dennis Miller does his rants.
I wrote one and it was really pretty offensive because I put something in it
that said the rule about a guy eventually becoming tired of sleeping with a
woman he’s with and I put that in an e-mail, I forgot that I put it in there but
it definitely pissed her off because she sent an e-mail back later that day
saying, “You know it was nice meeting you at the party and everything but I
don’t think we’re quite a match. I’ll see you later.” And I was like, “Whoa,”
and I’m thinking to myself, “Well, I burned myself.” First, I shouldn’t be
including her on that e-mail list but I got the idea.
So you’ve got to ease your way with people, eventually, they will savvy to
your sense of humor. I have an extremely raunchy, crude, foul sense of
humor but I make sure that I ease people into it because if I jump right in
quickly, I can really burn some bridges.
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Be way over the top so that she knows that you’re joking initially. OK? This
is where some guys are in the foul because they kind of deadpan a little bit
and it also becomes like, “Is he joking?” She doesn’t know if you’re joking,
so you have to be a little over the top. It takes time for her to understand
when you were actually joking and when you’re not. So give her time to
figure you out a little bit before you start tricking things up a little bit, be
fore
you start busting her balls.
And as I like to say, borrow as much humor as you like. Take as much as
you like, steal as much as you like, it doesn’t have to be original. There’s
actually this great example where I talk about this thing.
I heard this guy talking about Bill Clinton once, and there’s a joke that I
had, where I say basically, “You know, I heard this guy talking about Bill
Clinton. Have everyone knows how Bill Clinton could make you like him
with his charm, make you go along with anything?” And you can hear him
go, “I am not here,” and you’d be like, “He’s not here.”
It’s a little joke, right? But that’s from a comedian, I stole that from a
comedian. I thought it was pretty funny and the way I preface it is with,
“You know I heard this guy talking about Bill Clinton and he said,” I’m
giving a bit of credit, I’m not saying that this is my joke, I’m not going to
take all the credit for it. I’m just re-relating it in a way that lets her have
another laugh at it. I think that’s perfectly acceptable. And I think that it’s
actually essential if you’re learning how to build up your own sense of
humor.
So there you go from what I talked about before, I want to reemphasize
that humor as an element of conversation with women can be very, very
lightly sprinkled in and still have a lot of effect. It’s not that you’re making
her bust out, gut bursting laugh with you or anything like that. What it’s
about is showing a light-heartedness about your approach to life. A kind of,
“I’m cool and laid back. I can poke a little fun in stuff. Everything’s cool, I’m
not going to be a total needy little wuss as soon as I get in with you.”
Because it’s that seriousness that tells a woman that, “Oh boy, this guy is
going to be like calling me every night. He’s going to want to pin me down
in a relationship before I’m ready. He’s going to want to jump in bed too
soon.” She sees a lot of things and she interprets a lot of things from
seriousness that guys just don’t understand. That’s what she’s looking at.
She’s taking your level of humor that you’re throwing in, your light-
heartedness and translating into your personality.
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Because a serious personality is a serious bummer for most women. I’m
going to be honest with you, that’s just the way it is. There was a time
when I was pretty serious with women, I would always get really serious
and they didn’t dig it. They didn’t like it at all. And I figured out why, it’s
because she knew that I was being so serious because I felt like I had an
agenda. That’s why guys are so serious, they’ve got to get something
done, “OK, seriously but.”
You know, it’s like a person and you’re in a group and they’re making fun of
the guy and he’s like, “OK, OK, but seriously,” he’s trying to stop humor,
he’s the guy that people keep going on and on and on and ragging on and
they won’t stop. Why? It’s because he’s trying to control the humor, he’s
obviously a total stiff about it. Whereas if he goes with it and he jokes with
them and goes along with them, they will stop all that much sooner. I
learned this myself back in high school.
He said this joke that I had no ass, I had no butt, I was this little skinny kid
so I didn’t really have a butt and for the longest time it bugged me that they
would do this and I was just being like, you know I really, I wouldn’t go
along with that and try to stop them from joking about it and then one night,
I just kind of laid back and I just realized, “You know what? This is stupid,
I’ll go along with them on it.”
And somebody made a joke about us being like the characters on Miami
Vice and then one guy - my friend - said that he was Crockett and I looked
at him and said, “Yeah, I’m Butts,” instead of “Tubbs,” right the other guy?
And they thought that was hysterical that I finally joked about that because
obviously I didn’t have a butt. You see what happened there? I totally
deflated and there was a stress relief and everybody thought it was
hysterical and funny and they never bothered me about that again because
they realized that I finally got the joke.
There you go, your lesson in humor. It doesn’t have to be cracking up or
side splitting humor, it just have to be a light-hearted sense of having fun in
the moment. That’s it.
So when it comes to making a woman laugh, it doesn’t take much, she’s
looking for reasons to laugh in the conversation. You just open up a door
and barely do anything and she’ll laugh anyways. It’s just the way it works.
Have fun with it, don’t go crazy, pick-up a few books, go to an improv
class―is one of the exercises, I’ve got actually to share with you.
Some examples here.
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Here are some examples of humor that you’re going to use. There’s a
mistake in the interpretation. Mistake in interpretation is something like,
“Your mom’s eaten by a shark? That’s horrible. Oh, she works at the park.
You should’ve said that first man.” See what I did? I purposely
misunderstood her. I used a word that rhymed with it, “She works at the
park,” and I’ve re-interpreted it as, “She was eaten by a shark.” Have fun.
Another mistake in interpretation. “Oh my God, I can’t believe you’re like
hitting on me in the grocery store. The next thing’s you’re going to be
looking at my shopping list. I’m not going to show you this, the stuff I’m
going to buy in here is top secret.” Have fun.
Over-interpret or misinterpret.
There’s fast forward humor. This is where you joke about things by
pushing the timeline a little bit, by obviously joking about a situation that
doesn’t exist. Like women you first meet this stuff works great. The first
context or frame you said is that she’s already your girlfriend and you’re
already breaking up with her, OK? So you say something like, “OK, I want
a divorce, you get the Yugo, I’ll take the house and the kids, alright? Is that
fair?”
So what am I doing? I’m having fun with her by joking about a situation that
hasn’t even come up yet and again she learns that I’m light-hearted about
the whole topic and probably not the clingy, needy guy if I’m joking like this.
Here’s another one. “You know, I think we need to see a marriage
counselor, we’re just not working out but for tonight I’ll do my husbandly
duty and I’ll pretend.”
And I’ll put my arm around her on this one, this is a classic by the way. I’ll
use this as a license to get more physical with her because what did I just
say at the end there? “OK, for tonight, I will do my husbandly duty and I will
pretend,” and I’ll put my arm around her and then she’ll go along with it
because she wants to go along with the joke. And there you get a little bit
of a physical contact. Pretty cool, huh?
Role reversal humor. This is where you joke about her trying to pick you
up. Here’s an example. “You know, you’re not going to try and get me
drunk and dance topless again, are you? No way. Oops, did I say that?
That has so never happened to me before, I’ve never done that.” See, I’m
having a little fun with the whole change in role reversals. A guy dancing
topless, big deal, but making it fun. Pretending, kind of like you’re a girl.
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Here’s put up on humor.
This is humor like, “Oh God,” talk to her as if she’s your bratty little sister.
You probably heard this a hundred times but it’s really a great way
because it communicates in so many different levels that she is―women
are in a social environment because they want to meet people, because
they want to accepted, they want to be acceptable and attractive to guys
and other women.
A very simple thing that they desire. And by framing her in this context, you
take that away from her and she has to earn it back now. She’s now been
put in this little corner of being a bratty sister. She’s got to earn her way
back to being a cool chick again so that she can get back to the level
where she was before.
Here’s a good one, I love this one. “Oh my God, you’re back again? Look,
I’ve already got a sister, she’s not quite as cute as you but you know what?
She’s got a hook up at the cinema, at the theatre so I get all my movies for
free. What do you got to offer?” See what I got there? A little bit of
qualification I built into that one.
Let’s go to exaggeration humor. This stuff is really good. You exaggerate
things like, you’re a diva or some kind of movie star, OK? This is good
stuff, you’ve got to really play up the overplaying element so she doesn’t
think that you’re serious. And say something like, “Oh my God. Gees, I star
in one movie, earn one little Oscar and every woman on the planet wants
to get with me. Can I just give you an autograph and you’ll go away?”
Here’s another one. “You know, if you want to stand by me like this, you
might have to pay me some royalties. I will make you look good though so
it’s worth it.” You’re playing up the whole, “I’m really famous, ha ha ha.”
She does something small that’s wrong, OK? So she does make a small
mistake of some kind. “Oh, that’s it? Now you want me to forgive you for
having an affair with that movie star, what’s his name, but now you
disrespect me too.” This is like an example of her coming or showing up
late at something. You’ve got to have fun with her and poke the drama
button a little bit. So that’s why this one works really good. She’s late for
whatever reason, you throw that one at her.
Let’s go to the compliment returns. So let’s say a woman compliments you,
but she compliments you in kind of a lame way which is a lot of women do.
You have to go over the top to kind of create the frame on this one, when
she compliments you, she’s just saying something and throwing it out there
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but now, you’ve got to take what she says and turn it to your own
humorous little edge and own demented meaning.
I’ll give you an example here. She says something like, “You’re funny,” and
now you say something back like, “Oh sure, you think you could just flatter
me and I would jump in bed with you? Please stop, it’s so embarrassing
and now I’m getting a little teary.”
OK? You’re playing it up, you’re overplaying, you’re over dramaticizing her
little compliment which really wasn’t a compliment at all, it was kind of like
a little joke in itself. So you make a joke about that and you jack up the
energy. What you’re trying to do is one up her in terms of the energy of
what’s going on. It’s actually a form of teasing too.
OK, so there, I gave you some examples. Six good examples of different
kinds of humor that you can use.
The mistake in the interpretation, take whatever she says and
make a mistake out of it on purpose.
The fast forward where you actually assume some future role and
then you translate back.
Role reversal humor, where you take on a female point of view
about something and joke about her with it.
Put upon humor, where she’s your little bratty sister and she is so
annoying you.
Exaggeration humor, take something to the extreme.
And then the compliment return, where she’ll say something nice
or she’ll try and say something nice about you and you turn it
around and you jack up the energy, this one’s a little more
complicated but it’s a big payoff when you realize how to use it.
So there are some examples.
I do want to give you a few warnings.
Don’t poke too much fun at yourself when you’re using humor. Don’t make
fun of yourself too much because it comes across as being kind of
insecure, so watch for that.
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Don’t repeat a joke that you’ve told in a group you’re in, in other words,
you’re with a group of people and then maybe you’re with this chick and
then you and her go to another group or you and your wingman and one
other girl is there go to another group, you don’t want to retell the joke
again because that starts to get a bit old and they’re going to be like, “OK, I
heard this the other time.” You might get away with it once but twice is
going to be a little tough so watch out for doing that.
Also, tell one joke, one classical, line for line, “Hey, there’s this guy and he
walks into a bar,” you know, one of those jokes, maximum per night. OK?
Unless you’re getting into a joke off contest of some kind and that’s
actually another fun thing to do is to say, “Hey, you guys want a joke off?”
And they’ll look at you and like, “What?” and say, “No, no, joke off . Get
your minds out of the gutter. I’ll tell a joke, you’ll tell a joke then she’ll tell a
joke and we’ll see who has the best joke.” That’s a great way of leading in
to tell jokes in a conversation.
And avoid the land mine of all humor situations which is: don’t joke about
politics, religion or race until you’re really comfortable with the people
you’re with, OK? And you know that they’re really cool but inevitably,
someone’s going to get pissed. And inevitably, you’re just going to
be―even if they don’t get pissed, you’re going to be showing a callous
disregard for social norms by doing this. They will just look at you and like,
“OK, it was funny and all, it didn’t offend me but it was inappropriate.” And
they’ll sense that so be careful about that, avoiding those dark things.
Here’s some exercises I want you to do. Watch improv. Watch shows like
What’s My Line? They are incredible, you’ll see what these guys do with
just off the cuff stuff they invent in the spur of the moment and it will totall
y
inspire you to try and reach beyond yourself to be a little bit more funny.
Read a joke book and then choose to commit one joke to memory. OK?
That’s it. Because what’ll happen, you’ll get caught reading the joke book
and then you won’t stop and then you’ll be like, “I don’t remember any of
those jokes.” It always happens. I’ll look up a joke site, I’ll read a bunch of
great jokes and then I’ll walk away and I’ll be like, “I don’t remember any of
them.” Isn’t that weird? Commit to choosing one and then don’t read
anymore jokes.
And then tell that joke to three different people. By the time you get done
telling that to three people, you’ll probably have it down fairly good. OK?
So that’s how you get a joke into your memory and using it.
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Take an improve class. I can’t recommend this enough. Guys who have
done this have understood what an important step this is. Not only you
were just learning how to be more funny and things like that but relating to
and talking to women on a relaxed basis because they teach you how to
think in a different way and improv. You have to be able to be more free-
associating, you have to get out of your head and get more in the moment.
And you have to learn things like how to just be, they call the “Yes, and,”
not the “Yes, but,” but the “Yes, and,” which means that anything that
somebody says to you in improv, you can’t just deny and say, “No, no, I
don’t like that. It’s not funny. Say something else to me.” You have to take
whatever they say and then use it and run with it and then have fun with it
and be funny with it. It’s a very positive frame of mind to be in, not denying
anything, you’re accepting.
And then sit down and watch some good sitcoms to give you an idea of
good timing and how to work the moment a little bit. You want to
understand how to work the moment.
Some good TV shows have this by the way, where you see that the
comedians know how to pause for a second and look and they work that
moment and you see the audience start to giggle and then start to become
funnier and funnier and funnier.
They’re excellent at doing this kind of thing, so watch those kinds of shows
where there’s a moment like that where there’s just a silence where
everybody kind of like works the moment or maybe some slapstick. Watch
their timing, you’ll learn an awful lot. There’s four good exercises for you to
do and you should do them because you will learn from them and you will
learn more about how to make women laugh.
Alright, next module coming up, we’re going to talk about some specific
tools to use in your conversation and I’m also going to get into the phone
conversation as well as electronic and texting conversations with women.
So see you in the next module.
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MODULE 6: Conversational Tools
I’m going to go specifically into things pretty much any guy can use to
make sure that he’s keeping a good conversation going. So let’s start right
out here.
We’re going to go into environment as a factor in your conversations and
how to use it. Using her as part of the environment, in other words, when
your looking for something to say to her or when you’re trying to keep the
conversation going, you need fuel, you need things to burn and you need
things to be able to say during the conversation.
Using her as a source of those things is the penultimate way of making
sure you can keep it going. Here’re some things you can watch for, again
these may seem specific but you can find any of these things with any
woman.
I call this finding “seeds.”
Like, let’s say she’s got a tattoo. A lot of conversation in that. As a matter
of fact, I start conversations with women based on their tattoos than
anything else.
Where did you get it? How did you get it?
A tattoo is very personal to a woman, she thought long and hard about why
she chose that tattoo and where she put it and what it means to her. It has
meaning to her. And that’s one of the questions I ask is, “I really like the
tattoo, where did you get that done?”
And the I ask her right after that, “So what’s the meaning of it? Because I
know you probably spent a lot of time figuring out what you wanted to get.”
It should get a whole long story behind that, you’re going to find out some
really deep rapport type stuff with that.
Clothes. What is she wearing? What is she not wearing? You know what I
mean? Check into what she’s wearing, look into what she’s wearing and it
gives you an idea how you can do a cold read on her as to why she’s
wearing certain clothes. Why did she choose that? Compliment her on it
and ask her about it.
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Jewelry. Jewelry always has a story behind it. Rings that she wears, find
out why. Women just don’t wear things for no good reason, guys do. I
mean, I just reach into the drawer, pull out a ring, slap it on my finger or
whatever. It does have a little bit of meaning from you but usually not
nearly as much as what women have for the meaning. Necklaces, same
thing. Bracelets, anklets, toe rings, belly button rings, that’s a conversation
all in there.
Shoes. Don’t go too far with the shoes thing because you can seem a little
gay and don’t make it the first thing. But somewhere in there you can talk
about her shoes. She chose those, she spent time thinking about them.
Shoes are important to women.
Her cellphone and accessories that she’s carrying with her. This is a really
good one, you can use her cellphone as a source of conversation. Why
she chose that one, “Oh it came with my plan,” “Oh, really? Let me check it
out because I was actually looking at getting one of these at one point.”
You know, just shoot the crap about it. Don’t start exploring her phone too
much because that’s still personal in a way. You can ask her, “Got any
pictures on this? You got any music?” Anything like this that maybe she
wants to show you.
My own cellphone is an iPhone and I keep a bunch of pictures on it. I have
a bunch of exclusive photo albums that I keep on my iPhone for every
conversation. The pictures themselves start conversations like that. OK so
that’s what I do, find a way to bridging into the conversation, I’ll say
something like, “Oh, my dog, he’s just a pain these days,” and instantly,
what’s the first question she asks? “What kind? What kind of dog you’ve
got?”
“Oh, let me show you.” I’ll pull it up on the phone, there you go, bam, more
instant conversation, plus as you’re scrolling through pictures on your
phone, you come across ones that you want her to see. And she’ll ask
more questions about them and I won’t say a thing about them because I
won’t be bragging. You know, me on a bridge in Venice, sitting on the
bridge. It’s me in a soccer jersey and I’m sitting on the bridge in Venice and
it’s quite obvious that it’s not in the US, so she’s going to ask questions
about that. I’m not going to make a big deal out of it; I’ll let her make a big
deal out of it.
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You see how invaluable using gadgets and things like these can be?
These are props too, so use her cellphone, use any kind of accessory she
happens to be carrying. Maybe she’s got a really cool looking purse, or
maybe she’s got one of those big purses that you’ll make fun of, or maybe
she’s got a tiny little purse that you can make fun of or tease about. Use
those as fuel for conversation.
Location. Where you are is like a primary factor in creating conversation.
Where you are gives you a lot of things to talk about. For example, if you’re
in a restaurant, the smells you smell. If you’re outside, the smells you
smell, sounds like gross and disgusting.
The sights. Look around you. What you see. What you see in the
immediate area, if you see somebody acting goofy, you nudge her and go,
“Hey, what’s that guy up to?” Use what’s going on around you because
what it does, it grounds you in the moment.
Music that’s playing, whether it’s on the radio or there’s a live band or any
music that you happen to be hearing, sometimes it’s guys that are out in
the street playing their violins or those guys that play for money in the
street. I was actually at a theatre in Palo Alto in our area of the country
here in California and there was this really nice theatre area and there’s a
nice restaurant there and we were eating.
And there was this girl obviously like a college age girl, a very attractive
little Asian girl and she’s playing violin and every so often she’d stop and
she’d sing, definitely she wasn’t a―what you call a bum in any stretch of
the imagination, she was very, very much hip to what she was doing and
what she was playing.
She was obviously making money for school, so that was kind of cool and
there I initialized the whole conversation.
Food. What it is you’re tasting. You know, what kind of foods do you like. I
really can’t emphasize this enough. Food is an awesome topic for
conversation for you and a woman. What foods does she like? Get her on
that topic. What foods her mom made for her when she was a kid? What
foods did her grandparents make? These are all great conversations to
have.
People. Again, the people that around you in the location will give you a lot
of conversation. Just look for the odd, look for the different, look for the not
so normal and it will give you stuff to talk about. Sometimes it’s just, what
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celebrity they remind you of. Like I used to play this game, this is a good
one, this is gold, use this one, where it’s called the celebrity game.
Where you look around you and each of you has to find one person that
looks like a movie star then you tell the other person which person to look
at and you have to guess which movie star you think they look like. Pretty
cool, huh? You do that one, because it’s very good at one of those present
moment exercises that keeps you very, very interactive.
Props. Again, things that are around you in the location like in restaurants
where the salt and pepper shakers were shaped really weird, sometimes a
little bit phallic so I’d make fun of that. Use the things that are around you,
be looking all the time around you, be present and focused on what’s going
on at that moment.
Don’t be caught up in your head, be caught up out in what is going on
between you.
After location, comes you and your props that you carry with you all the
time. I pretty much always want to meet up with a woman who’ll have a
paper with me if I’m going to meet her in like a coffee place or it’s a
daytime meet-up or maybe a woman I met off of an online ad, I’ll make
sure that I have a paper with me that I’m reading through.
Number one, because it gives me things to talk about.
Number two, because it makes me look busy when she arrives, not like I’m
just sitting there and going, “Ho hum... Waiting for the woman to arrive,”
that looks a little needy.
If you’re already engaged in something and she’s not your first priority, she
has to come and interrupt your world to make your presence known. Very
important.
Magazines or books are a cool second. Have a magazine with you that
you happen to purchase or wanted to read just make sure that it’s not
Playboy. Books, books you’re reading are another excellent thing. Choose
a good book that immediately she’s going to be asking questions about
what it is you’re reading and how it is and if she’s read it she’s going to
start talking about that, so again it’s a good prop.
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Here’re some miscellaneous props. These are things that are a little bit
more out there but you’ve got to find one that works for you. A while back, I
talked about this one, I still have it, called the goddess deck. It’s a deck of
cards and on each card is a goddess from some mythology or something
from literature or something like that or history. And I ask her to choose a
card from this deck and then we read it.
I try and get her to admit whether or not she’s really like that goddess or
not based on the qualities. Really fun. It’s a lot of fun and of course, how
can you not have fun when she’s playing around with the idea of being a
goddess? And that gives you a great opportunity to tease her back down.
Divination of any kind. Divination really means anything where you’re using
fortune telling. It can be palm reading, it can be handwriting analysis, it’s
reading a person from things that are not overtly visible. Reading tea
leaves, technically is a form of divination. But palm reading and
handwriting analysis are the top two. You need to use one or both of these.
I use them all the time when I was really running, what you would call a
classic pick-up, as well as just meeting women. I would make sure that I
would work that into conversations or even on the first meet-up or the
second meet-up or any date that we had. This had to come out at some
point.
Palm reading is great because it’s just fun. It’s so easy, you can totally
make some shit up. There’s literally, 1, 2, 3, 4, there’s like 5 lines on your
hands and if you can memorize those lines, you can make up anything you
want because women don’t really learn palm reading, right? And you just
offer to read her hand and then you can make stuff up if you want to but
honestly there’s no need to, there’s just so much cool stuff to do at palm
reading, basic stuff that you can get online.
Handwriting analysis, I think personally, is my number one choice now
because of what it does for you. Number one, women love it because they
never get this done. This is a much more exclusive skill to develop, you
can get Bart Bagget’s Handwriting Analysis Deck, you can still get that
online. A good friend of mine still sells this online as well. The handwriting
analysis is very, very effective and the reason why you want to use it is
because it really works.
You can use it to read her personality. Can you think of any better reason
for using one of these tools on a woman?
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For you to filter her out, you can use it for teasing, you can use it for any
number of things. A simple as, where she crosses her T’s, where that line
crosses the T and how it goes across can tell a lot about her self-esteem,
you can tell whether she’s sarcastic or not. There’s just a lot of cool stuff
like this that you can read off of her handwriting. So it pays to learn it. And
that deck by the way is one of the most effective ways of learning it.
You do it to just a few people. Do your friends, say, “Look, I’m learning a
new skill. Give me a sample of your handwriting and rewrite this phrase
down in cursive, not in printing and I’ll analyze it for you.” And I did this on
women and it’s so amazing, how, first of all, how accurate it is, second of
all, how much women love it. I can’t even begin to tell you. Handwriting
analysis, number one prop if I had to choose one. OK? So there you go,
you and your props.
There’re other things you can buy, when you’re in a store, you see
something cool that you like to carry with you, you don’t have to carry it
with you all the time but you do want to maybe bring it with you on a first
meet-up with a woman so you have something to talk about. It starts the
conversation out in a playful and fun zone. Again, starting it off on that
attraction and connection vibe.
Cold reads of any kind. Learn how to do this because they will serve you
when you have a break in the conversation or there’s a pause in the
conversation, using a cold read to kick it back into gear is really good. I’ve
often done this, where I would just sit back and it’s a little bit silent and
would kind of go, “Huh, you know what? I’ve got something to say. I think I
know something about you that you don’t typically tell other people.” And
she’s going to be like, “What?” and you’re going to be like, “I don’t know,
maybe I shouldn’t say anything,” play the quiet routine and she’s like, “No,
no, no, tell me.”
“Alright, but you’ve got to promise me that you won’t take offense, right?”
Of course even if you did something, she would still take offense but you’re
not going to say anything that bad and then you use a few cold reads on
her. I’m not going to go to cold reads here because that’s not the purpose
of this program, you can get those anywhere online.
You can look up, it’s called the Barnum Effect where before your effect it’s
the fact the we want to interpret anything that said anything about us that’s
vague as being very personal to us. We interpret things general as being
specific to us. It’s a very effective thing to use.
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I also do “cold reads” by the way in a couple of my programs, I think I also
have it in the Alpha Conversation and Persuasion and I also talk about cold
reads in the approach programs. So they’re very effective to use. It’s an
advanced technique and I would highly recommend that you’d go to one of
those programs for more information. I give up some cold reading phrases
that you can use with those two. Alright, so we’ve exhausted the
environment, that’s a ton of stuff right there dude.
Free association exercise. This is how you can get into the mindset of
the perpetual conversationalist. You can keep a conversation going
infinitely long if you just learn how this technique works, free association,
alright? I’m going to give you an example of how it works so you can
understand it because it’s really the only way to teach it.
You’re out and you’re sitting there with a woman and you’re out in front of a
coffee shop and you’re drinking your coffee and there’s a low in the
conversation.
Then you look around and you see somebody in tie-dye, you see the tie-
dye, what does it do? It triggers something that you can free associate.
What does tie-dye make you think of?
Well, makes me think of a hippie, I don’t know why, it just does, it always
makes me think of hippie. Then it makes me think of San Francisco, not
just because I live here because I think of Haight-Ashbury the height of the
hippie counter culture of the 60’s or early 70’s too. Then I think of Amoebas
because that’s a record store that’s in the Haight that’s also kind of a
hippie-ish type of place, it’s a CD store, it sells CDs.
OK now I’m still associating here, and see how this kind of flows from the
same first impression from seeing somebody from the tie-dye. OK after the
CDs, I think, “Oh, hey, music. What kind of music do you like?” OK? All that
came from seeing somebody in tie-dye. I could’ve gone right back to here
and still ask the question right off of that.
The first thing I associated with. It didn’t have to be the eighth or whatever
this is seventh thing down the line.
It could’ve been the first thing, the second I saw somebody in tie-dye and
looking kind of hippie-ish, I could’ve thought, “Hey, what do you think?
Would you have ever been a hippie?” A question right there, or the second
one, “So, do you think San Francisco has the exclusive rights to the hippie-
dom?” Or, “Ever been to Haight-Ashbury?” Or, “It’s a great place,” see what
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I’m doing? I’m going down this free-association cliff, finding something I
want to grab on to and want to run with from my conversation. It’s that
easy.
OK so now we’re on this step, I found something that I can pull out from
the free-association from the tie-dye I saw, hippie, San Francisco, Haight-
Ashbury to Amoebas to CDs to, “Hey, what music do you like?”
She says, “I like U2. I really like the new album of theirs,” and I think, “OK,
let’s free associate off of U2.”
“Back in the 90’s I had a ticket to go see them but I gave it up because on
the same exact date I had a sales conference in Atlanta that I was going to
go to and I just gave up the ticket where my girlfriend and I stood in line
and I remember we got these awesome tickets because it was a lottery at
the time. Got these great tickets to the concert and I had to give mine up to
go to this thing.”
OK that right there is a good story to tell because it shows my discipline,
right? Looking for storytelling elements?
Next comes, “You know what? I went to this sales thing and they had this
trophy and I’m thinking, I’m here, I’m stuck here, I can’t be to the U2
concert, my girlfriend’s there, I’m here, I’m going to put everything I’ve got
into this weekend. I want that trophy because this trophy was given to one
person who gets a perfect score on this test. The test he was giving was,
you have to memorize all these sales phrases, closing phrases and things
like that.”
“So I stayed up literally all night learning this thing. And then, I didn’t win it
but I learned something about myself in the process. And that was that I
would put in the right amount of effort if I was properly motivated and once
I did I learned what I was capable of. That’s some important lesson. Then,
we went to a titty bar, that’s right, at some point in our weekend, we we’re
in Atlanta and we decided to go to an Atlanta titty bar.”
“And there was this creepy guy, sitting in the corner, he’s this really big fat
guy, he’s got his hands on both legs and basically he’s keeping this one
woman with him the whole night. She couldn’t leave because he just kept
paying her to stay, this one woman to stay there. And we’re thinking, God,
that’s freaking creepy. I mean, can you imagine that?”
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See how these little stories that I just pulled out of that one, U2 free
association. Do this on paper, test it out at home. Do it on your own. Go on
the internet.
Go to CNN.com and just randomly you see a story, take that story, don’t
even read the story, just look at the headline and make up your own story
to that headline.
You’re going to get a really keen sense of how to free associate, how to
talk about things, you don’t even have to know something about
something, you can just totally make shit up and it works. This is an
awesome technique, this is called free association. And I highly encourage
you to use it, it’s the most powerful and the most effective exercise for
creating conversation for nothing because that’s exactly what you’re doing.
Now if you’re finding that this is very difficult in conversation with a woman,
chances are, the problem is not that you’re not using the tool correctly, it’s
that you’re getting caught back up in your head again and you can’t afford
to do that my friend. You’ve got to stay out of your head and in the present
moment. Free association forces you to do a little bit of both, you go back
in your head a little bit but you’re also in the present moment.
The television exercise, here’s another great tool for you to use. Turn on
your TV. Turn it on to a random channel, any channel at all. Keep the finger
on the mute button on your remote, you wait for something to come along,
you don’t have to wait very long, as a matter of fact I highly encourage you
to not wait very long.
You turn on to some show and you wait for them to say something as a
form of a question or maybe even state something and then you hit mute
on the TV and I want you to improvise your own response to what they just
said. You can either watch the show and try to make your response fit in
with the show in some way or you can totally go off on your own. Totally
make your own tangent, totally make something that’s pertinent to some,
you know, totally different situation.
The point here is again, it’s another form of free association but it’s
triggered by something that you don’t control and it’s an endless source of
fuel for conversation. Just turn on the TV, see something random. OK?
I’ll give you an example of this. I’ve got my monitors up here, I’m going to
go to CNN.com, I’m going to just pull up one of the headlines and I’ll tell
you what it is.
Let’s see, “War Is Nothing New.”
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War Is Nothing New.
OK? What can I do with that? Well, do I have anybody in the family that
served in the war? Yeah, my grandfather did, he served in World War II. As
a matter of fact, he told me about a time when he, and I do have a story for
that.
They were at a camp, and I think it was just outside of Germany or maybe
just inside Germany and they were eating and then out of nowhere, a tiger
tank comes up and into their camp and they all had to scatter. It was a
pretty incredible story when he told me about it.
There, I just came up with something I just free associated off of that. War
is nothing new. Let’s see, war is nothing new. Why do we have to have
war? Why is it we keep coming back and making war on another people?
We know intuitively that war is wrong but we keep doing that, why? OK,
there I might be getting a bit political, so I’ve got to be careful.
Let’s see, there’s a whole ton of other ones here. First Lady Maybe in
Healthcare Reform. Wow, that one’s interesting. What do you think about
healthcare? Really? Are you getting good healthcare? Do you have a good
healthcare program at your work? Again, I just began free associating off of
this stuff.
3D Coming Soon to Home TVs. Do you really think you need everything in
3D? I don’t know, 3D gives me a headache sometimes when I go and see
movies in the theatre like that. I mean, are we going too far with the whole
home theatre thing anyways? Pretty soon, we will never want to leave our
house because we’ll be sucked into our television screens. Again, I’m free
associating here.
Guy Eats Plane, Lands in Record Book. Well, I’m assuming the eating of
the plane, means he probably broke it off into small pieces and just ate it
bit by bit by bit. I can’t imagine―that one actually is begging me right now
to click it but I’m not going to because we have a program to do. You see
what you can do with this things, you can have a lot of fun.
Plus, the story themselves, you can just look up the story, if you remember
the story, like later on if I look up this Guy Eats Plane, Lands On Record
Book and I talk about it with a woman and I say, “Did you know that there
was a guy who ate a freaking plane?” And then I go into the story. Instant
story just add CNN.
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There you go, the television exercise though allows you to use random bits
of conversation from the television to stimulate your own ability to
improvise on the spot. That’s what that exercise is about. Gives you real
time, real ability to do it. And you know what? The first couple of times you
do it, you’re going to sound lame, you’re going to hesitate, you’re going to,
“Uuhh, I don’t know what to say.”
UN-mute, keep going, do it again, do it again, do it again, pretty soon
you’re going to break through this little blockade, there’s little mental block
that we all have inside our heads that stops us from free flowing and
having this verbal diarrhea of conversation. And you’ve got to break down
that barrier. It’s essential. I frequently have it when I don’t have caffeine in
my life.
There you go, those are tools you can use. Those alone should help you
with any moment of pause you have within a conversation.
Now, next up, we’re going to talk about phone conversation and how to
handle that. I’ll be back with that in the next module.
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YOUR STUDY NOTES:
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MODULE 7: Phone Conversations
Alright, here we go, let’s rock and roll with phone conversations. Phone
conversations are really kind of a normal subset of any conversation you
have with a woman. Nothing really changes that much with phone
conversation. All I’m going to do, is I’m going to point out the subtleties that
make phone conversations different from being in person with her.
These are some tools you can use for phone conversations that are pretty
much the more exclusive to that situation. Needless to say, most phone
conversation is the same as any other conversation with some small
tweaks.
These are the small tweaks.
First off, I’m going to tell you, call women only in evenings or on
weekends. You want to stay away from daytime hours, you want to stay
away from early in the morning hours, the weird times of day that you know
that she’s probably at work or it would just be weird to get a call at. Nobody
gets calls from guys at 10:30 in the morning on a Thursday. This doesn’t
happen that way.
So by calling at evenings or weekends, you’re also showing her that you’ve
got other things going on in your life too. And you know what? I would say,
never call on weekend nights unless you call to get her to meet up with you
or coming with you to some event or some bar to meet up with you. You
should never appear to be available during primetime hours. It’ll just make
you look like a wussbag.
I’m not saying lie, because this is a distinction here. Most pickup artist will
just tell you to lie and say you’re busy or whatever it is. I’m telling you that
rather than lie and say you’re busy, why don’t you actually go out and
fucking do something during those times. You don’t have a date? Great.
Go out anyways. Go someplace. Go to a movie alone. Trust me, it’s worth
it. You start to learn how to deal with the fact that, yes you can do things by
yourself in life. Go take yourself out to dinner. Go to a bookstore.
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Get the hell out of the house but don’t be around during the times when
you might be sitting at home thinking of nothing better to do but, “Yeah, I
should be calling her.” If you have time to think about that, that means
you’re not doing anything.
You’re just sitting there going, “La la la, oh, I should be calling her. Oh, but I
was told not to call her. So I will just sit here and think that I—I should be
calling her. Shouldn’t I be calling her? I should be calling her, but I can’t call
her.”
If you’re in that situation where you’re trying to hold yourself away from
calling her, that means you’ve go nothing better to do than think about it.
Which means you’re not out there meeting new women. You’re not out
there meeting new dates. Not out there approaching women. It’s an
obvious situation but we so often go nuts over it.
Make sure that she’s actually free when you call her on the phone, make
sure that she’s actually free to talk. This is really important, you ask her
right off the bat, “Hey, you got a couple of seconds to talk?” This is what I
ask right off the bat. I ask all my friends this actually. I just got off the ph
one
with a good friend of mine, Jeff, and the first thing I said is, “Hey, you got a
second to talk?” And make sure that he’s clear on that.
And if she says no or she says no or whatever it is, just say, “No problem,
we’ll talk later.” And that’s it, hang up, you’re done.
Don’t make a big deal about it. Don’t say, “When can I call you? What time
should I call you?” No. Just get off the phone. End the conversation. “Oh,
ok, you must be busy. Talk to you later.” Just let it go. Drop it. It’s a ball
that you just don’t need. You drop it. Alright?
And then, if she says yes, you say, “Cool, I’ve got to get going in a few
minutes but I just want to touch base with you.” Very simple, very effective.
Let me say it again, “Cool, I’ve got to get going in a few minutes but I just
wanted to touch base with you, see how you were doing.” Now you can
start your conversation.
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Here is another important thing. If she is distracted in any way, end this
call.
You do not need to stay on the phone with somebody’s who’s distracted.
Don’t talk to busy or distracted people because it’s not fun for either one of
you. Don’t talk to busy or distracted people. You also come across as
being needy and suffocating and low value when you do that, so don’t do
it. Very simple, very simple rule too.
Is this a function call or is this a connection call? Those are the two
kinds of phone calls that you’ll have with a woman. A function call or a
connection call?
A function call is where you are coordinating logistics. I’m calling her up to
make sure that she’s going to be there at a certain time. I’m calling her up
to find out something, you know it’s an arrangement type of phone call.
Whereas a connection call, is when you are calling for no reason at all, just
to connect with her. Function is to confirm or arrange logistics of an in
person meeting. Function calls are no longer than 5 minutes.
Connection calls are a way to keep the spark going. Remember that,
those two differentials and what the conversation’s about. If it’s a
connection call, then you want to make sure the attraction energy is being
pulled into here more than rapport, alright? And I’m saying that because
guys will very often get into these long drawn out, deep phone
conversations that go on for hours. Women love them too so they won’t
hesitate to go along with them but they’re not really making them more
attracted to you because you’re not in person with her, you’re not there.
It’s just a disembodied voice at the other end of the phone and it’s not
really as effective as you think. So just avoid that. A little bit is OK but not
much.
You don’t want to be on the phone much longer than 15 or 20 minutes at
any time. When you’re on the phone with a woman for more than an hour,
you’re showing that you’ve got nothing better to do, and somewhere at the
back of her head, she is wondering, “Doesn’t this guy have nothing better
to do than talk to me on the phone?”
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Alright, so after you’ve figured out whether it’s a function call or a
connection call, keep to these rules. A phone call is the same as a
conversation that’s in person, only shorter, alright?
Very important: If you’re with her and you can keep the conversation going,
that’s rolling and you get that attraction, you get the connection, you do all
the right things, the qualifications there, go as long as you need to go
dude. As long as things are escalating. But on the phone, it can only
escalate so far. There’s only so far you can go on the phone, right?
More voice emphasis is needed on the phone, so use it, really. Just do
this exercise, I like having guys do this, listen to sports announcers, listen
how they talk about things, they’re all over the place, “Oh my God, listen to
this.” You know, they’re just really, they’re emphasis is really strong
because they have to communicate their personality without the benefit of
an image. That’s what you have to do. You’ve got to be more emphatic with
your voice. I don’t care if you think you’re the dullest guy on the planet,
you’ve got to put more voice emphasis, alright?
Minimize the distractions for yourself because you need to be listening
closely with whatever conversation you’re having with her. You have to be
listening closely. You can’t be distracted yourself because then you’re
going to miss cues. You’re not going to be able to tell if she’s distracted or
not. You’re not going to tell if there’re things going on that you need to pick
up on. If she says a keyword or a key phrase, it’s going to be tough for you
to pick up on it and roll with it as part of the conversation.
You’re not going to be as relaxed in the conversation either. I’m not saying
to be hyper-attentive, really zoned in on her. No, you’ve got to let it be a
little bit—it’s got to be a relaxed conversation, but you have to be very
present. So minimize the distractions around you.
Don’t call her when you’re on the subway, don’t call her when you’re in a
crowded room. Call her from somewhere where you can really pay
attention to her. She’ll thank you and you will thank yourself.
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Start with a teasing energy on the phone call to get her energy up. This is
the first thing that you should do on a phone call before you get into a
connective call of any kind and that is lightly tease her.
Here is one I use, when she does answer, I’m going to be like, “Hey, it’s
Carlos, how are you doing?” then she’s like, “Oh, cool, how are you
doing?” And I’ll go, “I know, you’re hoping it was Sean Connery way back
in the 80’s when he was the sexiest man alive. Look I’m a reasonable
substitute, if you’ll just give me a chance.” I joke with her, I tease with her.
That one’s self deprecating, you should also be teasing her more about
her.
You can call her and say, “I know you were in your Vogue shoot or maybe
it was Elle or maybe it was New Woman Lifestyle or Oprah, was it?
Whatever it was, just take a second, take a break, let’s talk.”
Have fun with it, tease her. That’s a good way to start a conversation
because it raises her energy back up and reminds her why did she talk to
you in the first place. That’s why you do this, you’ve got to get her energy
back up so that she has fun again and remembers, “Oh yeah, this is that
fun guy. The fun guy, that’s you.”
Bridge quickly then into connection and comfort, right after you do a little
bit of teasing, don’t stay there too long, just so with any conversation you
want to get into connection and comfort building with her. So I ask her,
“How’s your day been? Tell me about something you ordered today.” Get
into conversation that has meaning for her, this is of course if it’s a
connection call - not if it’s a function call.
Never ask for a date on the phone or even hint at one. This is really
important, I don’t do this on the phone with a woman and you don’t talk
about—specifically you don’t say the word date. That’s what I’m saying
here, I’m not saying you don’t arrange to meet up with her again but you
never use the word date like, “So, I’d like to go on a date with you again
soon. Would you like to go on a date with me?”
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You don’t use date, you don’t use the word date because date triggers
certain thoughts in her head, certain domino effect of, “Oh, he wants to do
that thing where he pays for my meal and he takes me to a movie and then
I have to kiss him on the cheek and not have sex with him. Yeah, let’s do
that.” Alright? So don’t ask for a date. Don’t even hint at a date. Just tell
her where you’re going to be and that she should join you.
Say something like, “You know what? You’re so cute, I just want to see
you. I’m going to O’Malley’s bar tonight. You know what? I want you to
come with.” There you go, you’ve laid it out for her and you’re more
commanding with it and you’re more like, “You know what? This is going to
happen and it should happen with you. Be there.”
Not, “So would you like to go?” You make it in form of a statement so that
she has to agree with it. If she declines for any reason, any arrangement
that you make with her on the phone, anything that you work out with her,
here’s what you do, first of all stay on the call as if it didn’t bother you
because it shouldn’t, it didn’t bother you, right? OK it better not because
you’ve got so many other fish on the line, it won’t bother you.
Stay on the call because if you got right off the phone after she declined
your offer, number one, you’ll probably miss out on the opportunity that she
wants you to take her up on. Number two, you’re going to look like an
awkward social tool because you’re immediately projecting that all you
want is to get something from her, you just want to meet up with her and if
she declines that, “Oh boy, I’m going to give up right now.” You don’t show
any perseverance, you don’t show any intuitiveness, you just don’t show
any of the right qualities that she’s going to be looking for. Not in a man
anyways. Alright?
So again, you stay on the call as if it didn’t bother you and then maybe 30
seconds to a minute or two later, you just say, “Hey, you know what? I’ve
got to get going. I’ve got to get back home and whatever, watch my sheep,
empty out the porta-potty,” I don’t know, whatever it is that you’ve got to do,
you’ve got to get going, OK? But you put in a certain amount of pause
there so it doesn’t seem like her denial is the thing that pushes you off the
phone because it makes you seem like a total loser basically. I know it’s
kind of harsh but it’s true.
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And if you call her again, 50% of these women will give you a shot for the
next meeting that wouldn’t have if you acted all pissy about her first turn-
down.
Also, at the start of any phone call, before you start dialing her number or
hitting redial on your phone, make sure you’ve got a standard voicemail
message ready to use, ready to go, ready to roll right off the bat, OK? You
do not want to be tripping over your tongue, you do not want to be leaving
those lame ass messages. Watch the movie Swingers and see the scene
where he does that, it’s ludicrous man, I can remember that scene so
clearly. Have a standard voicemail messages that you use.
Here’s the one I recommend. Short, sweet and complete. “Hey, it’s Carlos,
you’ve reached my voicemail but you know what? I am here right now,
promise I’m talking to your voice now, so I’m going to hang up now, you
call me. Bye.” That’s one of the one’s I use. I’m pretending that I am my
own voicemail leaving a message on her voicemail. It messes with her
mind but it’s a lot of fun.
“Hey you, it’s me, that’s right, the big C, give me a call.” That’s it, click, OK?
Confident, happy, fun. Here’s another one. “Hey, it’s Carlos, I’ll catch you
later.” I’m not telling her to call me, I’m not telling her what to do, I’m just
leaving a confident little message saying, “You know what? It’s me but I’ll
call you later.”
And here’s another thing. Interrupt yourself to be leaving this message.
Whatever you say, if you’re with somebody, start a conversation with them
as her voicemail is playing in your ear. Start a conversation, keep talking
with them and then the beep goes off in your ear and you’re still talking to
your friend and you go, “Hey, wait a minute man. Hey, yeah, it’s Carlos, so
I’ll check back with you later. Talk with you.” OK?
So you’re already in another conversation, she hears that you’re just
leaving the message on a, I wouldn’t say on a whim, but not with a whole
bunch of, “Yeah, hey, it’s Carlos. I had such a good time with you the other
night and I just wanted to call and say hello and I hope you’re doing good. I
hope you had a good day today and well, I guess that’s it. I mean, if you
want to call me though, my phone number is 877, yeah I’ll wait so you can
get like a pen, right? OK, 877-986-2669, so I was thinking we should get
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together sometime too. I had a really good time with you. I mean, yeah I
really like you.”
AUUUUUUGGHHHHHHH! That totally sucks.
I’m laughing about this now because I’m laughing on the inside. Guys do
this shit all the time and they just don’t understand that you don’t leave
messages like that. Your message should be no longer than 5 seconds
long, quick, fast, off the phone. And it’s pre-thought out so you don’t seem
like you’re stumbling over your own words.
And last but not least, when you’re on the phone, leave it as something to
be continued. If you’re ending the conversation with her, OK this is a
situation where you’re actually talking to her, not the voicemail. You want to
give her a cliffhanger or some other kind of leave-them-hanging kind of
ending, alright?
Like when I’m talking with her on the phone, I’ll say something like, “Oh
you know what? You just reminded me of an awesome story, the whole
story of you and the whole cheerleader thing and the car. Remind me, the
next time we talk I’ll tell you about this thing that happened back when I
was in high school, it’s hysterical. But anyway, I’ve got to get going. I’ll talk
to you a little bit later on and we’ll meet up tomorrow, right? OK, cool.”
What am I doing there?
I’m baiting her a little bit. She’s got some reason now, she feels a positive
draw like, “Oh wait, wait, wait. I want to know the end of that—your story.
Wait, oh.” She’s on the edge of her seat, she wants the rest of my
conversation. That’s what you’re leaving her with.
Bait into a cliff hanger. It’s a shameless technique but you know what? It
has worked since time immemorial. Have you watched a television show,
at the end of it, suddenly they flash a to be continued? And you’re like,
“Bastards!” You know you’re totally sucked in.
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I remember, I was watching a whole bunch of old Star Trek: The Next
Generation reruns. And there’s that one season where they ended, where
Picard has been turned into the Borg—I’m getting totally geeky here guys,
you better go with me on this. Picard’s turned into the Borg and he comes
up on the monitor and then Will Riker looks at the screen and then goes,
they have that super weapon charge that’s going to destroy him and then
he looks at him and he goes, “Fire,” and then suddenly “To be continued”
comes up on the screen and I was like, “No!!!!!!!!” you know you can hear
this like Kirk screaming it at Khan, “No!!!!!”
It was perfect because I was on pins and needles for four months or
whatever it was waiting for the part two of that episode. And I knew they
totally cheesed me out on it but I didn’t care. It was the best ending of a
season of television I had seen in years. It left me so, “AAAAAAH!,”
That is what you want to do to a woman my friend.
So there you go, phone techniques you need to use and do not abuse.
We’ll be coming up with the next module on electronic communication,
that’s the next one you should go to. Thanks.
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Module 8 - Email and Electronic Communication
Just a few quick tips here on e-mail and electronic communication because
it’s a whole other kind of communication that we didn’t have prior to the
90’s. There really wasn’t a whole bunch of electronic communication going
on and now it has become something of a necessity that you know how to
work this effectively to keep attraction building with a woman. Because I
have a feeling that a lot of guys don’t understand how this works. So let’s
talk about this really quick.
First of all, there are different types of electronic communication are out
there, we have of course Facebook, we’ve got LinkedIn, we’ve got Twitter,
we’ve got e-mail, we’ve got texting which I’m actually leaving a special
module that’s the next module, we’re not going to cover texting here
because I think it’s a whole other thing in itself.
Those different types of electronic communication we run into all the time.
Some people are in chat rooms a lot. You know what I mean? So we’ve got
a bunch of different ways of communicating with people that we’ve never
had before and they’re very kind of light and superficial ways of connecting
with people but they’re there and people are using them, so you need to
know how use them too.
Use them rarely, if at all. I highly recommend that you be careful about
how you use e-mail or any electronic communication.
Use it rarely, if at all, especially e-mail. Guys love to use e-mail to
communicate with women and it’s a cop-out, it’s a cheap, little freaking
cop-out, don’t do it. It’s a way of kind of weaseling out of the real work of
learning how to talk to women in person. Up close, that’s where
attraction’s made. You don’t get a woman interested in you and hot and
bothered and pulling your hand into her crotch by using e-mail. It just
doesn’t happen dude, you do it in person where you have a real impact,
face to face, that’s how I got laid. I didn’t get laid in e-mail, alright? I’m just
calling it as it is here.
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Short and sweet. When you do use it, you use short and sweet, that’s the
rule, that’s the way, that’s the law. This is your playground.
Any electronic communication, you treat like it’s your playground, that’s
where your having fun, it’s a little sandbox, you have a little fun in them. Do
not talk about feelings for her in this little playground. You don’t go into e-
mail or Facebook or any of this stuff and talk about feelings that you have
for her. Again, it’s another cop-out, guys think that they can just put a little
message in a bottle, throw it over there and go, “Oh my gosh, I hope she
likes me.” Do you like me? Yes or no? Pass a note in class, just like you
did in kindergarten, right? Now what do you do if she checks maybe.
Don’t compliment her in e-mail, unless it really makes sense, in some
cases it does, but do not compliment her in e-mail unless it totally fits into
these overall strategy. If you’re doing it just to do it, just maybe spark a littl
e
bit of interest, don’t bother, it won’t work.
Do not send her jokes or chain letters or other bullshit in e-mail or
electronic communication. Don’t be one of these toady jerk dudes that
sends her this crap and becomes another spam annoyance. After a while,
she’s going to hit the spam button on you and eliminate you from her little
electronic life. You don’t want to be that. You want her hanging on every
second that she doesn’t see something in her inbox from you. That’s the
effect you want to have. You don’t want to be flooding her with useless
conversation and useless communication. So remember those.
It’s your playground, don’t talk about your feelings, do not compliment her
and do not send jokes or any of that bullshit communication that you try
and pass off as being fun. Don’t send her pictures of chimpanzees, don’t
send her pictures of cats hanging from trees that are wet saying, “Hang in
there it’s almost Friday.” Do I need to say anything more? I hope not.
Don’t ever publicly expose your playful or sexual communications, in
other words, Facebook or Tweet things that will show up on her wall or
show up visually to all of her friends that do anything less than show
discretion on your part. Everything between you and her is a secret until
she wants it to be known by everybody, OK? And that’s how you make her
want to tell everybody as you keep it a secret because she’s going to be
itching to tell everyone of her girlfriends. She’s going to be itching them to
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show you off to everybody she knows once you’ve demonstrated your
commodity worth purchasing, alright? So don’t ever make it public.
It goes the same thing in person, in public appearances like that, if you’re
at a table with her or in a bar, you don’t make a play of reaching in and
holding hands with her or playing your arm around her and showing this
big demonstration of how much of a slut you think she’s going to be. That’s
exactly what it is and that’s how it comes across to her. She wants
discretion, she wants you to show some element of—do you know the term
PDA, public display of affection?
There’s a reason women say they don’t like them upfront, they love them if
you’re the person they want to do it with but most guys make public
displays of affection a cheap little way to demonstrate possession and you
don’t want to do that.
With electronic communication, delay your responses and certain
variable time delays in between your responses to her wherever it may be.
You want her to want there to be a message to be there and then it’s not
there. Let me explain that, because it’s a really important concept. You
want her to feel like—she’s at work and she’s coming back from lunch, you
want her thinking, “Wow, I hope Carlos left me a message or said
something to me in e-mail, I’m dying for it.”
There’s like that little anticipation she has and you want her to get back to
her desk, you want her to hit that button on her computer and look up and
go, “Oh, damn.” You want her feeling that. You don’t want her going, “Oh
good, it’s there.” Because that is tension release, when it’s not there, that’s
creating more tension, OK? And then, after a while when the time is right,
then it will be there and then the tension release has so much more effect.
I hope that makes sense.
Spell check. Spell check everything you send, don’t send stuff that’s
spelled like a third grader, women tend to be better at spelling than guys
are and then they notice when guys are worse than they are, OK? They’re
not going to think that much less of you but it makes you look a little bit
foolish. Spell check everything, for God’s sake, it’s built into every
computer on the planet these days. Use the spell check, Enough said.
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No arrangement of logistics, the same thing as with phone calls, don’t
make it a big logistic tool. Don’t ever use electronic communication as a
crutch to arrange a date or to ask her on a date. That’s not what it’s there
for. Electronic communication is something more than a way to tickle her
ear a little bit when you’re not there in her presence. It’s a tease tool.
Remember that, so no arrangement of logistics.
If she tries to cancel or change plans on you by using it the other way or
when she sends you some kind of funky little electronic message whether
it’s on your Facebook or your Twitter, whatever it is and she uses it as a
method to change plans on you, don’t acknowledge it. You wait in an hour,
and then you call her or use some other formal communication when you
can really get a good feel from her what’s going on, because you don’t
want her to cop-out either. Face-to-face as much as possible.
No communication of serious stuff within electronic communication, it’s
nothing serious. If you’ve got a building romance or relationship on your
hands, you do not use this to be your crutch or your easy way out. We’re
not passing notes in school here, use it for fun, it’s your teasing tool and for
fun. Enough said.
Don’t be the last one to respond, this is true in almost every situation I
could think of. Don’t be the guy that just sent her an e-mail and now you’re
waiting for her for her return e-mail and it’s not coming and you go back in
your desk and you’re like, “Damn.” See what she’s doing, flipped the tables
on you, you’re now anticipating her response and until you get it, you’ve
got this attention building up on you that’s making you fall for her first.
That’s right, that’s how it works. The upper hand in love is really down to
this simple concept.
The last person to respond is the one that controls the energy flow in the
interaction. So if the last response was from you, you sent her back
something saying, “Yeah, you did look kind of cute in your little nurse outfit
last night. I don’t know, I’m not sure if I should take you at that same place
again because you looked a little bit goofy.” That was your last response, I
totally pulled that out of my butt.
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And then there’s a gap in there, and you’re the last one to respond and
now you’re waiting on her response but if she sends something back to
you saying, “Yeah, I suppose that’s a good idea,” or something like that.
Then she asks you a question and then you wait and you let attention build
and build and build, who’s in control now?
And it’s not just about control, it’s not about manipulating the other person
it’s demonstrating to yourself that you have the self discipline and self
control to not fall into that trap.
But the needy guy, he’s going to respond right away and wait and wait and
wait and then you’re waiting on her. When you’re waiting on her that’s
building more affection and attraction from her to you, you’re making
yourself think that she’s more attractive and it’s not working the other way
around.
And as with phone conversations, it’s a “to-be-continued” conversation. In
other words, make sure you bait with something unfinished that she’s
going to want to hear or see or find out from you afterwards.
So you can end an e-mail with, “By the way, I got to show this great thing I
got from the store today, remind me,” now she’s wondering what it is and
you can hold it out there as being like a little bit of carrot, “OK? We need to
get the others so I can show this to you, no I’m not going to tell you on the
phone, no, no, no, no, you’ve got to see it first.”
It goes without saying, you really do have to have something to show her,
right? Making sure we’re keeping it real here guys.
OK, so there you go, electronic and e-mail communication that’s how you
keep talking to women effectively with those. Next stop is texting and that’s
going to be our final module in this course.
So move on to the next module, texting.
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Module 9: How to Text Women
Hey, it’s Carlos, welcome to the last module, we’re going to be covering
texting here exclusively as the finishing section of the How to Talk to
Women Program.
Texting, let’s talk about some of the key concepts about using texting
because it’s a very specialized form of communication with women that
you have to know how to use it effectively - and I’ve got a special bonus
today too in this part of the program, you’re going to love it.
First of all, as with electronic communications of any kind, I want you to
vary the time with your responses in texting, more so than any other form
that you use, you must do it effectively with texting.
You want to avoid predictability, that’s what you want to do, avoid
predictability, you do not want to be the guy that’s immediately responding
to every text she sends. There should be a variation of time in between
responses, anywhere from 30 seconds to a minute.
Every so often, do an instantaneous response but then let it go. You have
to know when to do that, it’s when you’re in the middle of highest energy in
the interaction that you’ll respond the fastest and then as the energy is
high, you’ll draw it higher by waiting for a few minutes or even an hour or
even a freaking day to respond.
She’s going to wonder, “Why isn’t he responding? Maybe because he’s got
something else to do, something better to do.”
As a rule, spell out your text, when you text women. Spell them out, don’t
use some of those abbreviations. Some are OK, but even if she shortens
things in her texts, you should be spelling yours out, making sure that
you’re spelling correctly, of course.
This is a test: See if she starts to calibrate to you, if she is one of those
texters that shortens everything into LOL, LMTR, whatever, all these little
acronyms, if she does that and you spell everything out and then when she
starts spelling things out than was using little acronyms for, that my friends
is an indication of extreme interest in her part.
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And if she’s calibrating to you, she’s demonstrating that she’s bending
into your reality.
Very important, guys aren’t really aware of that one and I want you to know
about that one first.
Vary the time of day that you actually text her, text her maybe in the
morning.
See this is the cool thing about texting, you can do it anytime and she’s
going to wonder what you’re up to, right?
Text her in the morning, text her in the afternoon, text her in the evening
and text her in the middle of the freaking night. Knowing when to do these
is another part of the calibration, very important. Tease and definitely use
Non-sequitur Humor.
Texting is all about bringing up the energy level, the attraction level of
energy, not the rapport level, you’re not looking to get the rapport in text, if
you’re doing that, you’re shooting up the wrong alley dude, you’re using it
to tease her.
Using Non-sequitur Humor means, you’re using the kind of humor that—
let’s say you two were joking about the fact that she’s a lawyer, so you text
her in the middle of the day and you say, “Hey, just went to the aquarium,
saw a bunch of sharks, was thinking of you.”
See how that works? I’m calling back on the fact that I had fun with her, I
was joking with her about being a lawyer back when we first met and I’m
using it again and maybe in a couple of hours she’ll send something
saying, “Having shark fin soup, I want to know if you’d like some.”
Something like that, you know what I mean?
You can totally play on this humor, this Non-sequitur Humor, this calls back
on previous conversations you had and you bring it up not all the time but
every so often and it creates a consistent level or a consistent connection
that you two have. It’s like coming back to the same place where you met
every single time. It creates a really good bond.
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As always, making no serious plans on text, do not make date plans, do
not make arrangements in text, talk to her. You’ve got to hear her voice, it’s
important.
Don’t be the last one to respond.
You are the last one to respond and then you let her reply to you and that’s
where the interaction ends for you, whether it’s for five minutes or five
hours or five days but you’ve got to be able to control the last response
effect.
The last response effect as described in the last part of the program is that,
if you were the person waiting on her response, you’re the one who’s
suddenly is crystallizing your affections for her, it’s called Crystallization.
What you do, is you’re making yourself more attracted to her? Why would
you do that to yourself. Don’t do that, make her more attracted to you, that
way you have more choices in the long run. Delay your responses, put in a
variable time delay in there.
Remember my rule, you want her to want that message to be there and
then it’s not there because that makes her go, “Oh God, I hope he texts me
back soon.” You know? It’s building up attention, crystallizing her attraction
for you.
Answer questions with questions, very, very effective especially in
texting. I call this a Turnaround Tactic.
If she asks you a question, “Where are you?” Send her back a question
back, OK? Say, “Not sure you want to know about this but why are you
asking?”
Ask her a question back that denies her the responses that she’s asking
for because it’s a form of a test. If you comply with her, you’re lowering
your value in her eyes. Alright, ask her back a question that you want
answered.
Some examples, this is a special part of the program today, I actually
talked to some guys are aware of this guy I met in Vegas, he’s a bit of a
questionable guy, I can’t endorse his book or his materials because I think
they’re a little bit too much of the dark side.
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As a matter of fact, he put out a book called the Dark Side, the Dark
Secrets or something like that but in it he had some awesome things,
fantastic text examples and even though I can’t condone his being like the
high quality alpha man that I should aspire to be, I did ask him if I could
use some of his texting materials here and he went along with it and he
says it’s OK which is pretty cool on his part.
So I’m passing along some of these text examples and some of his rules.
He says, “First of all as a rule, don’t text full 160 characters when she’s just
sending short messages because that makes you look like a kiss-ass.
Keep your message shorter than hers was.”
That’s very good actually, excellent point.
“It’s not a fucking conversation, it’s a tease. It is, it’s always a tease.“
Relate your text back to something that you know about her, that’s what we
talked about the non-sequiturs and the call-back humor. Vary the time in
between, don’t use all capitals, don’t use a hundred exclamation marks in
your message.
Use a smiley when you want to make sure she knows it’s a tease or it’s all
on fun. You know, using a little colon with a little dash, with a little
parenthesis or something like that. But don’t use that too much.
Text her at the weirdest times, don’t always use those shortcuts like ROTL
or things like that. Don’t answer her questions. Don’t be nice, especially
the hot chicks when your texting them because remember texting is a
teasing mechanism.
Here are some of the examples of his text and these are awesome so I
want you to use some of these too.
“You’re naughty, I think I like it.”
“You’re bad, stop trying to seduce me.”
“You’re just using me, I hope you’re rich so you can support me.”
“Stop thinking about me.” That one is one of my personal favorites. I use
that one all the time. I swear he ripped that off from me.
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“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.” That one’s great.
“I think you’re a player.” That’s a great one for a guy to use on a woman.
“You’re out of practice, can you afford me?”
“I’m still hotter than you.”
“What’s your real hair color?”
“Hey dork, what’s up?”
Here’s a good one. “How much do you miss me?” That’s a great one.
“Wow, you might even be smart too. Nice try dork, I hope you can do better
than that.”
“Miss me?”
“I don’t know if you can handle me.” There’s a good one, very cocky funny.
“I’m not sure if you’re what I want, are you always such a pain? This isn’t
helping your chances to get with me.” I like that one.
“I’m too much of a bad boy for you.” Very good but make sure that you’re
not like a super clean cut guy because that’s not going to work at all.
“You need a nice guy not me.” Well that one’s good.
“I know you want me, you are so into me, it’s not funny. You’re not my type,
behave and be cool this time.” I like that one too.
“Wear something cute and sexy.” That one’s good because you’re also
directing her and guiding her.
“You’re kind of nice but the jury’s out.” Qualification.
“You’re so demanding.” Tease.
“When can you come over and cook me dinner?” Very directive, another
qualifying too.
“I don’t put out so easy.” That one’s good.
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“You can stop by but you have to leave early.” Good qualification on that
one.
“Drop what you’re doing, meet me at blank in ten minutes.” That one’s
really good, especially for spontaneity. When you just showed spontaneity,
that’s a good one to you. Let’s say that again, “Drop what you’re doing,
meet me at—whatever the location—in ten minutes.”
“Not many people can handle me, oh no, not many women can handle
me.”
“You suck.” I like that one, just randomly send that to her, “You suck,” and
see what kind of response you’ll get, it’s great.
“Do you have what it takes?”
“You’ve got to do better than that.” That’s good too because that qualifies
her and make her seems like she’s not—her teasing isn’t quite as good.
So those are some awesome text examples and again I had to include
those and sent them over to me from, I think he has an e-book or
something like that. Really good stuff, I really highly encourage you to use
those examples that I just gave you there.
So there you go, texting in a nutshell, use it and use it by these rules, I
think you’re going to find yourself much more effective in talking to women.
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Segment 10: Conclusion & Summary
Hey, it’s Carlos and I wanted to slip in just a little bit of a last word here for
you to complete this program, there’s still more content in the program
obviously you’ve got the transcriptions and other information I’ve put into it.
These videos though I think are going to help you quite a bit in explaining
the overall, the grounding concept is to know the inner game but the outer
game in conversation and how to talk with women, how to really be more
impactful with your conversations and know how it really does work, that
it’s just not just a sequential approach-attraction-comfort-seduction type
scheme, you’ve got to really be flexible with it and it’s much better you use
things like you’re a chef in a kitchen, taking a little bit of this, pour it in, o
r a
little bit of garlic, throw it in and know that you’re not going to do any real
damage to the meal by the occasional application of these spices and
other things that you’re throw in, that’s what good chefs do.
So as a little bit of a review here, we’ve covered—I gave you an overview
for the foundations and the key element of talking with women.
We talked about the flow of conversation, how it really works, I gave you
some of my secrets here, the flow of how it really should go, without being
too literal. The energy flow between you and a woman, how it should go
and we also talked about what to do when you run out of conversation, the
description of the problem and the solution, and awkward silences are
potentially necessary.
So don’t work too hard to avoid them, you actually want them in your
conversations, so that you can show how to overcome them, by
overcoming them you prove yourself ten times more than any guy who
avoids them.
Storytelling, the critical elements, what it is, how to start the conversation
or your telling part of the conversation and how to use them and exercises.
I also talked to you about, how to make women laugh, the different types of
humor, why it works, how it works, examples of how it works, some
mornings when not to use humor.
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Tools, we talked about using your environment, doing the free association
exercise and the television exercise, you want to make sure to take the
leverage of the exercises that I’ve given you on this program, I did not just
throw them in on some bullshit stuff of your to do to keep you busy, these
are real exercises that really do work and really improve your abilities in
talking to women.
Phone conversation, we talked about the rules about handling phone
conversations with women as well as electronic communication, a little
bonus in here and that, as well as texting, understanding how texting
should be handled and used, it’s necessity, if you say you hate texting, well
that’s nice but guess what it’s here to stay, it’s like saying, “I hate the
telephone,”
But guess what? There are telephones everywhere. You can deny these
realities or you can learn on how to incorporate them, it goes back to the
same saying that I told you about the start of this program, what’s easier?
Changing to world or changing yourself?
That’s right, you’re better off just changing yourself and you’re not
compromising yourself here, you’re just the reed that bends and does not
break.
So there you go, to close off the program, if you get the chance and I really
do need your feedback because I’m going to be creating more fast, impact
modules like this, just like how to talk to women, I’m going to be covering
just about every aspect, I want to know what you want to know.
Send me stuff, go to feedback.carlosxuma.com. I have a bunch of
subdomains in this and I used feedback.carlosxuma.com and yes, it
does work, and go to feedback.carlosxuma.com, go to that location, you
can put in information about yourself, what you have for questions and
what you want, mention that you have this program because that’s really
important to me and then I also want you to mention any topic that you
want a full module on.
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If you heard something that what I was talking about in this program that
you want a full module of the alpha lifestyle program to based on, so let me
know so I can create that, if I hear enough from you and other guys that
want the same thing, I’m going to create it and I’m going to make it.
Then I want you to extend your knowledge of what you learned here into
some of my advanced programs because I can’t possibly cover all the fine
details of all the stuff in this program, I just didn’t have the time to do it but
I
gave you the essence, the still concentrated if you will, of what you need to
talk with women.
The two programs I highly recommend you to take a look at if you want to
really master this if you want to go to you Masters Degree about talking
with women.
First would be Alpha Conversation, no two ways about it, the alpha
conversation and persuasion program which is also available at
conv.carlosxuma.com, go to that location, there’s no www in front of this
by the way. So when you go to feedback.carlosxuma.com don’t put a
www in front of it, same with this, just go to conv.carlosxuma.com. Alpha
Conversation and Persuasion is pretty much be the end of all program for
conversation and talking with not just women, anybody, you’re going to
learn conversation skills you can apply in your job, in your family life, with
your friends, influencing people.
I put a ton of shit in there, it’s a lot of stuff.
Ultimate Inner Game is also another program that I encourage guys to go
into because it’s a lot of the times that I’ve talked to guys and say, “You
don’t have any problems approaching women and I want to get into a
conversation that’s when I have a lot of problems.”
Well it’s not really that you don’t know how to talk to women, it’s that you’ve
got something going on that pulls you back inside your head and makes
you anxious and makes it hard for you to deal with a conversation at hand,
you view it as if too important and your anxiety and your nerves and your
fear get jacked up, and why does that happen? Inner game, ok so take a
look at innergame.carlosxuma.com.
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So there you go, I think that if you get the Ultimate Inner Game and the
Alpha Conversation with this program, dude, you’re going to be freaking
lethal, I put all my heart and soul into these programs and I think it shows
and I’m very glad that you took your time, your energy, a little money out of
your wallet just to accommodate this program.
I think the tips you’ve learned in here are going to pay you back a
thousand fold. I mean, just the text examples I gave you, texting examples
in here are worth the price of admission alone not to mention all you’ve
learned on phone conversation, the bigger tools, the exercising tools to
improve your conversation, the humor tips that I gave you, the storytelling,
what to do when you run out of conversation, dude you’re set.
Get out there, get lethal with women. And I’ll talk to you again soon back
again, this is Carlos Xuma from carlosxuma.com.
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YOUR STUDY NOTES:
u see differently:
This section is
important, as
of the 1.
material...
2.
3.
ht away:
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2.
3.
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BONUS: Banter & Attraction Conversation
Alright, I’m going to give you some of my top banter and conversational
tactics that I like to use with women. These are pretty much the only tools
you’re going to need to really start generating some attraction with women.
Remember, there are two sides to connection. There’s attraction itself,
which is the escalation of energy within the conversation and then there’s
the form of attraction that is rapport which is creating the connection
between you two.
Now, if you use too much of your time and you spend too much of it rather
trying to get her to laugh or making things funny, that’s not going to work
for you. You start off a conversation that way but very quickly, a woman’s
got to ask that question that’s burning inside her head, “OK, what’s this guy
all about? Why is he here? Why is he talking to me?” Yeah, she knows
you’re there because you’re attracted to her and you’re interested in her
and you’re “hitting on her.”
Don’t ever try and defeat that, it’s obvious, it’s always there. There’s always
sexual charge between men and women. It’s how you handle at that she’s
going to be watching.
Most guys when pushed to the point of making an interaction with a
woman, hit that sexual edge, most guys will back off, they will actually
release the pressure because they’re uncomfortable with it. They’re scared
of it because it feels like it’s coming to a critical point or critical decision
point, and it is.
That’s the unfortunate thing, that it is, and you have to be willing to just sit
there in the same space with that weird vibe of, “Hey, you know what? I dig
you and I’m going to see how you feel about it,” and then just sit there with
it.
That’s the one thing that most guys cannot handle, and the one thing that
women are watching to see if they can. So remember that, if you’re putting
things into a sexual edge or a sexual connotation when you’re with a
woman, then you’ve got to be willing to ride that out.
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You’ve got to go with it, you’ve got to keep going with it until you get what
you want or you’ve got to move on. And the real trick to this is that if you
cop out to your actual desire, in other words, let’s just say that a woman
that you’re talking to, throws the old test at you of, “So what are you doing?
Are you hitting on me?” What do you say to that? Well, you could say,
“Yeah, I am hitting on you, I think you’re pretty cool.”
Or you could say something like, “Hitting on you? You do like to rush
things, don’t you? You women these days, always got to be in a hurry. Next
thing you know, you’re going to try and get me to bed and you better not
even try honey because this stuff ain’t for free.”
Now you see there’s two different avenues that I took it down, right? She’s
looking at either one, it really doesn’t matter which way you take that but
either way you present it, you can never be in the state of, “Uh oh, I just
got caught. She got me. Yea right, I’m hitting on you. ”
If you fall into that particular mode, she’s going to realize that you’ve lost
your edge, you’ve lost your charge, you’ve lost your - come on, say it with
me - confidence. That’s what she’s watching for, right there.
You can answer the question anyway you like as long as it’s with a no-
apology kind of attitude. That’s it, that’s really it and this is the one thing
that’s toughest to guys.
Because when it comes right down to it we cannot prepare you for every
single situation and in every single test you’re going to run into. And if you
try to prepare for every single test and every situation you run into, you are
going to screw it up. You’re going to fail, you’re going to be doing much,
much worse than if you did none of the stuff that I teach - and it’s just not
going to work for you.
It’s just a simple fact, you cannot prepare for anything, you can’t have a
utility belt with a bullet for every situation in it. Because why? Because if
you have all of those on hand, what are you doing? You’re filling your head
up and you’re staying in your head and you’re losing touch with the
moment that you’re sitting right inside of with her. That’s more important
than anything else I can teach you about banter.
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So now, let’s get into the techniques and tactics you can use, I’ve got some
really good stuff here for you. One of the best strategies I’ve ever used and
this is so easy to use and memorize and just apply that you’re going to
really find this to be priceless, it’s called the EXTREME.
This is called the extreme - like where they put the X instead of the E in
front of it, you just put the X and the TREME. X-treme. Whatever a woman
says to you, you’re going to take it to the X-treme.
Let’s say you’re talking to her and you’ve got into the conversation on
where she’s going to school, and she’s going to college and she’s going to
Pepperdine just outside of L.A. Let’s say she’s going to Pepperdine and
you say, “Wow, you know what? I hear that it’s a pretty good school, you
must be one of those brainy chicks.”
And she says, “Yeah, I’m smart.”
Now what do you do right here?
You take it to the Extreme. “Wow, yeah, you must be so smart, in fact, I
can see that your cranium, your head is bulging at the seams to contain
that brain of yours. You must be so smart. What’s your IQ? Like 3 billion? 3
billion thousand? 3 billion 150 billion thousand? Because you can tell, I
ain’t so smart, I grew up in a trailer park.”
Now you see what I’m doing there? I’m just taking whatever she says and
I’m going to the extreme. The most ridiculous extreme.
Let me give you another example.
There’s a song that comes over the speakers in the bar that you’re in and
she says she loves it, maybe it’s a, I don’t know, a song by U2.
And she says to you, “Wow, I just love this song.”
You say to her, “You know what? I love this song too. In fact, I love so
much, I had all of the lyrics tattooed at my left butt cheek. I mean, I was
going to have it tattooed on my you-know but that’s just awfully painful so I
just said, you know what? Put it on my butt cheek. I just love this song so
much, it is all over my butt cheek. As a matter of fact, every time I wipe my
butt now, I think of that song.”
This is great because it gets her laughing almost every single time.
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You take it to the extreme and she’s going to laugh and she’ll also start to
get the feeling that she cannot out game you in conversation because
there’ s a lot of chicks out there that are very, very savvy to banter and
conversation with men and they will challenge you at it and it will become
something of a chess game with you. Trust me on this, you’re going to
encounter many more women that are hip to the ways of conversation than
you will guys.
And this is why there are so many guys that get tooled out of
conversations and blown out. It’s because they don’t know how to hang in
there and stay in there in the right way.
Women are so much better at this because it’s what they naturally do. All
they do is talk, right? They talk to each other, they talk on the phone, they
talk in the bathroom, they talk to their friends, they talk to their mom, they
talk, talk, talk, talk, because it’s just her method of establishing a
connection with the other person.
Remember, a woman’s priority is to maintain and develop the
connections with the people that are important to her in her life.
Back in the evolutionary scheme of things, this meant that she had a
strong social network which meant that she was going to be assured of
surviving in case something, God forbid whatever happened to the man in
her life, but she would always have a network of people that could help her
out, right? And if anything happened, she’d always have support and that
ensures her survival.
So by virtue of that, connections to her, establishing, keeping those
connections with her are more important to her than anything else.
This is why women are so reluctant to turn a friend into a boyfriend, right?
A guy friend that she has, has more value to her as a friend than he does
as a boyfriend.
Because literally, she can meet and date any number of guys that come
into her life. She’s approached all the time, guys come through her life, left
and right. She just has no need of a guy that’s already proven herself to
not have sexual charge. OK? Very important concept there.
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Let me give you a last example of taking it to the extreme.
Whatever it is that she says, something like, “Oh, you know what? I just
don’t like that beer.” Or something that she disagrees with you on.
You’re talking about stuff and you bring out the fact that you like that Fat
Tire Ale and she says to you, “Oh God, I hate that stuff. I just don’t even
know why they make it so awful.”
You look at her and go, “You know what? You’re right, it is so awful. Oh my
God. You could take that stuff and literally embalm the dead with it. I mean,
you could take this stuff and fill up a moat around a castle and nobody
would cross the moat because they would not want to get anywhere near
Fat Tire Ale. I just can’t believe how horrible this stuff is. It is awful. It’s
terrible.”
You see what I’m doing?
Again, I’m taking it to the extreme and I’m doing it in a way that lets me
actually contradict myself and not seem like an idiot. It’s not like I’m trying
to kiss her ass, right? I’m changing my mind to make her sound a little bit
goofy and dumb for it.
Again, taking it to the extreme. I hope you can see how that works for you.
Here’s another example of a good banter technique. I call it the “Tag Line”
technique.
Take something that she says and make it ridiculous, not necessarily
extreme, but just kind of dumb-funny and then you add on a little tag line to
it. I’m going to give you an example here of how this works.
The tag-line is what really makes it kill though.
The first part is, you’re talking about exercise, maybe she’s training for a
triathlon, so she’s been running, swimming and bicycling all week long, and
you tell her, “You know, I’ve been riding my bike lately everywhere I go and
I just found out that riding your bike, especially for women, OK women? It
increases your sex drive like ten times. It’s true, I read it in Cosmo. Hey, it’s
Cosmo, you cannot argue with the big ‘C.’ Come on!”
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That’s the tag line, whatever you do, you say, “I read it in Cosmo. I read it
in Cosmo.” You make anything you want true because you read it in
Cosmo. “You know what? I just heard that a meteor is going to crash into
the moon at 4:37pm tomorrow morning. Look, I read it in Cosmo, it’s got to
be true.” Anything you say, ridiculous or not could be validated just by
throwing that tag line. “Look, I read it in Cosmo.”
And that can be, it’s what we called “return humor” or what I call a non-
sequitur humor, which is, you keep coming back to that again and again.
Right? It becomes the in joke of your conversation. Later she’s talking
about how she’s so glad she finally bought her iPhone and you look at her
and say, “You know what? I totally agree with you. As a matter of fact, I
read it in Cosmo.” OK? See? You just throw that joke right back in, left and
right.
Don’t overdo it, but bring it back when the timing feels right. This is going to
take a bit of cultivation in terms of timing, but the first couple of times you
do it, you’re guaranteed to have a little fun with it. Here’s another technique
because this one’s very important and meant for punching down and
breaking down the walls of the people put around themselves socially.
Women are going to try and resist your conversation especially in, I guess
you’d call it, more high approach, or high target rich environments like -
yeah, you guessed it - bars and clubs.
Women are going to resist you because it’s part of their testing process, it’s
part of the trial. Because it’s a trial by fire to see if you’ve got what it takes
to actually breakthrough and make good conversation. It’s her test.
Women are going to play around with you , they’re going to mess with you,
they’re going to make it difficult, not because they’re cruel but because
they’ve got so many guys walking up to them and talking to them, how the
hell is she going to know who’s worth talking to. She starts to, pardon the
expression, fuck with them to find out.
Now, this breakthrough technique is meant to immediately shut down this
mechanism as soon as possible. So what you do is, when you’re early in
the conversation, you’re going to put up a very edgy comment to a woman
about something that’s like sexual or just dirty humor, something like that
but not in a crude way.
I’m going to give you an example of this.
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One of the ones I love to use whenever I’m out talking to women is, “Do
you bunch or fold?” And then she looks at me and goes, “What?” I go, “Do
you bunch or fold?”
And it takes a few seconds before they finally figure out what I’m talking
about is toilet paper. The amount of time that it takes her to figure this out
is also a test of my own but eventually she looks at you and goes, “Oh,
gross! What do you mean?”
That’s your answer.
Usually they answer it because they find it so funny in such a gross way
but the funny thing was, you didn’t say anything gross. You just said,
“Bunch or fold?” Everything else was interpreted inside her mind. So she
can’t hold you guilty for it, you just brought up the topic.
I also like to bring up things that are just totally out of the blue. Once you
start to get the vibe of the conversation like, you can sense when a woman
is actually ready for stronger content.
I like to think about it as being like, higher “proof” conversation, you know
like you’ve got beer which is kind of low proof 3% or 6% alcohol and then
you’ve got wine which is a little stronger and then you’ve got liquors and
then at the top of the ladder you’ve got really strong liquor 100 proof and
up.
Well this is the 100 proof and up stuff, OK? What you’re doing is basically
“doing shots” with a woman of conversation.
That’s right, doing shots.
And I’m serious, it’s exactly what it is because it’s such a strong and potent
addition to the conversation, it really jacks up the energy suddenly, it’s just
like you’re doing a shot, and you’ll be like, “Whoa, damn that was strong.”
Right? But at the same time it’s invigorating, right?
So another one might be something like. “I was talking to my ex-girlfriend
the other day and she said she had sex on Alcatraz. Can you believe
that?”
So something like that would be a little more for shock value and you can
kind of gauge off of her response.
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Here’s another one, “You know, I think baby butts are the funniest looking
butts in the world.” Or here’s another one, “Isn’t that funny how cleavage
kind of looks like the crack of a butt? Why is that? Why are we attracted to
cracks of butts and cleavage?”
Here’s another one, “So my friend was saying the other day that he thinks
that kissing during sex is either totally pointless or totally necessary. Like,
you’re just totally into it, you just want to throw her against the wall or it’s
that soft, mushy, lovemaking stuff. What do you think?” Now that one’s not
as edgy as the others. You can really get really edgy and some guys can
pull this off. You might be one of those guys. I happen to be one of them
because I use some pretty risqué and strong humor with women and I get
away with it because of the way I put it out there.
Like I’ll talk about a friend of mine who has an uncle who worked in an
emergency room and he told me some of the things that went on and
some of it was pretty funny. One of the stories that he said, I actually use.
I’ll say to a group of women, “You know, I have this friend of mine, his
uncle worked in an emergency room, and you would be amazed to know
just how many vibrator related incidents they get in the emergency room
everyday.”
And then a tag along to that would be, “Yeah, there was one gal that was
using one that was a little too small for her hu-hoo and lost it inside but the
thing was still on, so she’s sitting in the waiting room with the humming
noise, and she’s just sitting there and going ooh!-hoo!-wooh! Can you
imagine that? Can you imagine how embarrassing would that be?”
Now the last technique I’m going to go on with you here is called Pushing
Perception.
This is another great one for conversation that you need to use. This is
when, I make an observation and even if it’s way of or wrong, I still back it
up, I still get behind it. Like guessing what a nationality of a woman is or
her occupation.
OK, so let’s say you met a woman, you’re talking to her and you kind of go,
“Don’t tell me but I bet you’re Mexican aren’t you?” And she looks back at
you and says, “No, I’m Puerto Rican,” and then you kind of go, “Wait a
minute, wait a minute here. I think you need to be a Mexican, here’s why,
not that there’s anything wrong with being a Puerto Rican but you’ve got
that really strong Latina way about you. You know what I mean? It’s kind of
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like, like almost sitcom Latina. That’s it, we could create a TV show for. I
bet you would kill on your own TV show. You ever thought about that? Wait
a minute.”
And then I’ll make a little frame with my fingers, I’m imagining her inside a
movie frame. “No, you would be so good on the silver screen. I could just
totally see you on my screen play, it’s called Killer Puerto Ricans Who Just
Don’t Want To Be Mexicans.”
Again, have fun with it and yes, you’ve got to take the nervous little jump
off the edge of the pool into the cold water of “I might be offensive.”
Alright? It’s going to happen from time to time but you know what? It’s easy
to get out of. And this is actually at the very edge of that we’re trying to play
with the fringe energy of trying to be a little bit on the unacceptable. This is
showing your willingness to go out there all on your own, be confident and
even back up something that isn’t right.
OK, most guys let’s face it, what do they do when they make a mistake in
cold reading a woman? They backtrack and they sound like total freaking
idiots. “Oh, you’re not Mexican, Oh you’re Puerto Rican? Oh yeah, I love
Puerto Rico, I’ve actually eaten at a Puerto Rican restaurant once.” You
know they sound like total idiots when they try and cover up their tracks
like that. No, no, no, you’re much more impressive when the more you can
do something ridiculous even if it’s backing up something that’s clearly
wrong.
Another example, you’re guessing what she does for a living, you go, “Oh,
wait a minute. Let me tell you, you look like you’re a nurse. I bet you’re a
nurse. I have that warm nurturing way about you.” And she’ll say, “No, I’m
an accountant.”
And you look at her and kind of go, “No, you need to just go in Monday
morning, hand in your little resignation letter and you need to start
becoming a nurse. I don’t care how long it takes you, you’re a nurse.
You’re definitely not an accountant. Come on let’s talk about this, I’m
going to be your career counsellor for a while because obvious
you’re not just handling this right. Alright, so let’s see, how many
years will it get you through nursing school?”
See what I did? I got right behind what I said even though it’s clearly
wrong, I’m having fun with it, it’s more important that I handle it that way
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than I do something like, “Oh, oh, you’re an accountant, oh so you must be
good at math. I should have you do my taxes.” OK, so let’s not go there.
Alright? You know better now that the best way to handle a conversation is
always on your own terms, even when you make mistakes, you make them
for yourself. And it’s kind of a closing gambit.
What I want to do in this particular episode is I want to give you my all
purpose, get out of jail free card. Whatever mistake you may make in a
conversation whether it’s offending a woman or whether it’s turning her off,
whatever it may be, the best way to handle it is usually just to go to the
extreme. Yes that’s right, you take the extreme on this.
I’ll give you an example of this. Let’s say, I don’t know, you’re talking about
something. I’ll give you an example, this actually happened to somebody
and he said, “Wow man, you two ladies look kind of down. Who died?” And
one of the girls goes, “Her best friend, yesterday.” OK, that’s a pretty
serious conversational mess up and the woman followed up with
something like, “You’re such an asshole.”
And the guy looks at her and says, “You know what? You’re right, I am. I
am literally an asshole. I just turned myself inside out for tonight, put on a
mustache and come out to talk to women and I’ve got to go back and I’m
afraid I’m just going to rub Preparation H all over me because I am the
biggest asshole. Take a look at me, I’m huge, I am the biggest asshole
you’ll ever see. I can swallow up this bar.”
See what I’m doing? I’m just taking it to extremes, trying to be ridiculous
and I’ll keep working it, keep watching their reactions to see how they’re
responding to it and they keep getting more and more grim. I usually keep
pushing it because let’s face it, at a certain point, you can go no further in
terms of turning a person off. You just can’t go any further after a certain
point. And after that, it all becomes rebound energy.
Rebound energy means that after a certain point of either turning off a
woman or pushing her to the limits and this has to be done early on, it can’t
be done later on when you’ve already been working to get a good
connection. If you screwed up later on, it’s harder to bounce back from. But
this return energy that you get is so effective in turning around a bitchy
woman especially early on.
Let’s just say you just walked up to a really attractive woman and you say,
“Hey, my name’s Carlos, what’s yours?” And she’ll say, “Beat it, you
freaking moron.”
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And you’ll look at her and go, “Wow that is so cool, I am so glad you totally
rejected me there. I mean, that is like the ultimate rejection. It’s what I
needed tonight. I’m actually going to go now and meet every woman in this
bar because you have given me the worst rejection of my life. I’m crushed,
inside I am totally wet tissue. Let me tell you honey, you are an expert. I
want to shake your hand, let me shake your hand.”
Again, I’m not letting it go, I’m pushing myself down asshole road to let her
know that, you know what? You can give your analysis all you like, I’ll push
it even further and that will actually turn the conversation around, believe it
or not. Now as long as you’re not abrasive and attacking her, doing it with
anger and a subtle undercurrent of sarcasm and really mean, vicious
spirited humor, you can definitely turn it around. It does work. Trust me. It
really works.
But what it is, is this willingness to not backtrack and not go back and
salvage things and save face but be steadfast in going down the same
road you were going down at the start of the conversation which is the way
you came in on it. You’re on your own terms. You don’t need her approval.
If you show her that you need her approval, yeah, you’ve probably heard
this a billion times before and you’ll hear it a billion times again, the second
that you show a woman that you need her approval, you’ve lost her.
So keep that under your hat, those are the most powerful, effective
techniques to use in conversation and of course there’s a billion of them, it
doesn’t really matter which ones you use, it doesn’t even matter even if
you use mine, it doesn’t matter if you use any of them but the point again is
to keep in mind those two essential energies to the conversation.
One is the activation energy, it’s the spark, it’s the kick in the ass, it’s the
willingness to go too far, it’s the willingness to say something brash and
over the top just to get her to react in some way, to get her to acknowledge
the conversation and come out of her shell and drop those shields. That’s
the attraction energy.
Then there’s the attraction connection energy which is more like what we
call, rapport. Rapport is attraction, alright? And this is going to be one of
those things that’s going to cause a lot of the guys’ problems but rapport is
attraction if it is handled in the right way.
You really can’t afford to spend too much of your time trying to build up
attraction at the start because if you’re waiting too long or working too hard
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at it, any rapport that you’ve strike right after it, is going to seem hollow and
false. So you get her to laugh a little bit, get her to know that you’ve got
this good confident Alpha Man energy and then you merely dive into those
areas that are going to establish the most trust and real connection with
her and I mean, real connection, the stuff we’re going to talk about in this
program and further episodes coming up.
So I want you to stay tuned for that. But these are great attraction building
mechanisms by virtue of using the banter and handling yourself in
conversations. Some powerful stuff here, these are some of the things that
I use all the time and very effective.
And a little sub-note here. I have often talked about the self-amused
attitude that an alpha man has. And it’s so essential and so critical because
self-amusement really underlies your entire attitude, it’s the whole heart of
cocky and funny and teasing and all that stuff you’ve probably read about.
Being self-amused means that you’re just happy to be there. You’re not
using anybody else’s energy. You’re really riding your own waves of
happiness and having fun. OK? It’s like a surfer that’s literally setting up a
little wave machine in his bathtub and he’s in there with a little wakeboard,
he’s just having a blast on top of the water and it’s all his fun. He doesn’t
need anybody else there with him.
And it’s the same with conversation.
When you can express that to your own self-amusement, and your own
ability to stay self-amused, women pick up on this, because they know that
you’re not in the conversation trying to leach energy off of them.
I’ll give you a very small example of a self-amused attitude so you can kind
of see it in its process. Let’s say you’re talking about something that she
thought it was pretty funny, let’s say it was a story of yours, that was really
kind of funny but for some reason just felt kind of flat in the group.
Maybe you were talking about that story I gave you about the woman in
the waiting room where she lost the vibrator inside her, and you make that
imitation of her, that little noise thing where you’re going, “Uh,oh,” and the
other girl’s kind of smirking a little bit, you look at her and go, “Well, you
know what? I guess you had to be there, I thought it was pretty damn
funny. Anyway, I’ve got to get back, I’m going to get myself another drink.”
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You know, it’s that willingness to kind of cut off her energy and show her
that, “You know what? I don’t need your approval from my own having fun.”
Another example of this is just laughing for no apparent reason. I’m not
talking like idiot laughter like (laugh), I’m talking about just self-amused
laughter were you sit there and go (laugh) and shake your head and then
take a sip of your drink and then you just start talking about something
else.
And you don’t explain it to her.
You don’t tell her what it is and even if she asks you, you don’t tell her what
you were laughing at. That’s true self-amusement and I’m not just saying
that laugh and pretend that there’s something funny, think of something
funny that genuinely amuses you, laugh at it, and then don’t let her in on
the joke. Make it your own private little moment within the greater
conversation you’re having with her. This is important.
You’re establishing your own little fortress of solitude within a social
situation. This is where you get enough safety or feeling of safety in your
life to be able to go into conversations and not feel like you’re leveraging
yourself, like putting yourself too much out there to be rejected.
This is the secret of every guy that’s great in conversation is, he’s always
got this bubble of safety around him, he’s always impervious to the
comments, to the jabs, to the tests, to the insults of a woman because
nothing really gets through to him.
She can call him any name in the book and he’s got this little bubble up,
“This is so cute, oh the women today, they just want to make guys fall in
love with them. I mean, that’s got to be effective. I mean, you must really
get a lot of dates with that kind of attitude.” Do you see what I’m doing
there? I’m totally impervious, it doesn’t bother me because I haven’t given
so much of myself to this interaction, that I’m invested, that I have it
turnaround. If I ever do that, I’m lost.
Again, another example of self-amusement. She tells you she’s from Ohio
and you look at her and kind of go, “Oh, Ohio huh? Anyway, you go on, so
where in Ohio are you from?” Did you see what I did there? I had a little
moment with myself where I was remembering something that happened
to me in Ohio and yes, it really does have to happen to you, you don’t just
make this stuff up. Sometimes you can make it up and get away with it but
I highly recommend you don’t.
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I recommend you just have fun with it. It always depend on the situation
you’re in, yes, you can pretend where you have that little moment with
yourself and get away with it, but you’ve really got to be congruent with it. If
you’re doing it just to get an effect, you’re in the wrong headspace. So
there you go.
And I have one more tip, I can’t help but throw this in, I’ve got tons of them
and you’re going to be getting the benefit of all of them in these episodes
from these program.
One of the most important things you can do in conversation, is to watch
out for how you handle the sexual innuendos in the conversation.
You watch how she handles it and this is the most important rule for guys,
don’t push the sexual innuendo in the conversation. If you bring up
something sexual or she brings up something sexual, you have to always
be the first one to turn the conversation back around into a non-sexual
direction. You’ve got to turn it back around and get it going back on a
straight tangent. And then you blame her for making it dirty.
This is how we get the effect of role reversal with women. So let’s say that
the conversation was going to the direction of how her best friend is really
kind of slutty and now she’s suddenly into doing all these kinky things. And
then your temptation is going to be to start asking her about what are all
those kinky things. “What is she doing? Is she sticking feathers in her
butt?” No, you don’t go there.
What you say to her is something like, “Oh ok, so she’s a little bit of a dirty
bird that’s cool but come on, let’s get this back on a clean track here or
you’re going to think I’m a slut and I am definitely not that honey. So how
are you going to handle it with your friend? Are you going to sit around and
never talk with her or something?”
You see what I did there? I went in the opposite direction that most guys
would’ve gone with the conversation which is to keep pushing the sexual
innuendo on it and keep it going that way.
It can happen in more subtle ways too like, maybe you’re talking about
something and there was this Beavis and Butthead moment where she
says something dirty like, “I wasn’t even sure if I was going to come
tonight.” OK, she says something like that and you’re at a party with her.
Now the temptation is what? Yeah, you want to go, “Oh, you didn’t did
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you? Well pity that, I would’ve loved to heard you moan.” You know
something like that, that’s ridiculous.
And it happens in much more subtle ways like say for example you make a
comment like, “No, I wasn’t even sure if I was going to come tonight.” And
you’re really talking about the party that you’re at. And she looks at you
and wink at you, “Oh, you weren’t sure huh?”
You look at her and kind of make a goofy smile, “Well OK, you know what I
mean. Let’s get this back in a clean path here Miss Dirty Bird.” And that’s
when I kind of push her on the shoulder or bump hips with her, do
something physical right at that moment. That’s how you keep the sexual
innuendo from going too far in the wrong direction.
Remember that you want to communicate that you’re a sexual man, you
don’t want to communicate that you’re a horn-dog out to just slip it into any
woman. Does that make sense? I hope so, because that’s an important
distinction for any guy.
One of the things that was considered a weakness in men in years gone
by, I mean, like thousands of years ago, they used to judge men by their
sexual appetites. If a man had an overtly large sexual appetite, he was
viewed as being effeminate or weak because he didn’t know how to govern
his own impulses. And the same thing is true today, a man that cannot
control his sexual urge or at least contain it and then redirect it, is viewed
as being weak.
Think about that for a minute.
It’s not virility to pop your dick in everything that moves, it’s virility to know
when to and when not to and how to manage that energy. And this
particular strategy of maintaining your control over sexual innuendo in your
conversation really demonstrates that with women.
Some women are going to go kind of perverted. Some will just go way out
there and those are the women that you should chase down the energy as
far as you want to go with it. You don’t want to try and contain those
women. But most women want to go there just a little bit just to test the
waters and make sure that you’re not judging her. OK?
So they’re looking for that judgment impulse in you that you might think
that she’s slutty. She’s going to become self conscious and pull back. So
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don’t make her pull back, you pull back for her. That’s the ultimate strategy
in this conversation.
There you go...
There’s a ton of stuff right there that you can use in your conversation with
women for banter and really getting the energy going.
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YOUR STUDY NOTES:
u see differently:
This section is
important, as
of the 1.
material...
2.
3.
ht away:
1.
2.
3.
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© DD Publications, Morpheus Productions,
LLC.
The information contained in or made available through
this Product cannot replace or substitute for the services o
f
trained professionals in any eld, including, but not limited
to, psychological, nancial, medical, or legal matters. In
particular, you should regularly consult a doctor in all
matters relating to physical or mental health, particularly
concerning any symptoms
that may require diagnosis or medical attention.
DD Publications and our licensors or suppliers make no
representations or warranties concerning any treatment,
action, or application of medication or preparation by any
person following the information offered or provided
herein. Neither Carlos Xuma nor our associates, or any of
their af liates, will be liable for any direct, indirect,
consequential, special, exemplary or other damages that
may result, including but not limited to economic loss,
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