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NewNinjaHandbook20081011[1]

NewNinjaHandbook20081011[1]

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Published by: eamorris28 on Dec 11, 2010
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06/21/2013

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New NinjaOrientationHandbook
Version 31.15.1a — October 2008
Corporate Assassination Solutions
www.ninjalistics.com
 
CONTENTS
: Mission and Purpose 3: Message rom the CEO 4: Your Ninjas, Your Company 6: Your Duties 8: Your Career Development 18: Appendices 21
LEGAL DISCLAIMER
 The text in this manual includes and is based, inter alia, on orward-looking inormationand statements, including I Ching and dartboard orecasts, that are subject to risks anduncertainties that could cause actual results to dier. Such orward-looking inormationand statements are based on current expectations, estimates about global economicconditions and how oten new ninjas screw things up. These expectations, estimates and projections are generally identiable by statementscontaining words such as “expects,” “believes,” “who knows,” “your guess is as good asmine,” “well, we need some numbers here so we might as well make them up” or similar expressions. Important actors that could cause actual results to dier materially romexpectations include, among others, market conditions, prices or platypus venom, market acceptance o new products and services, police investigations o particularly messy operations, changes in governmental regulations, changes in governmental bribery rates,how oten new ninjas screw things up and such other actors. Ninjalistics reserves the right not to discuss such actors i it potentially might aect the company’s stock value.Ninjalistics Inc. admits its expectations and the inormation in this manual were basedupon possibly unreasonable assumptions and sake binges at the time they were made,and those expectations may not be achieved nor the actual results eventuate as described.Neither Ninjalistics Inc. nor any other company associated with Ninjalistics is making any representation or warranty, expressed or implied, as to the accuracy, reliability, coherence,legibility or useulness o the inormation in this manual. Neither Ninjalistics Inc., any other company associated with Ninjalistics, nor any o their directors or ocers will haveany liability to you nor any other persons resulting rom new ninjas screwing things up,regardless o how poorly worded or organized this inormation may be.Ninjalistics, Inc. undertakes no obligation to make this manual or the inormationcontained herein available to anyone as per the long-established “able to nd” inormationdistribution policy. You are ninja—nd it yoursel!
 
3
www.ninjalistics.com
NINJALISTICS, INC. MISSION STATEMENT
“We shall maintain cutting-edge technical standards in stealth,disguise, camoufage, combat, wall and rope climbing, darblowing, clouding weak minds, and miscellaneous mysteriousninja-related activities, and stay abreast o current research insecurity systems, pressure points, sleep drugs, caustic acids,ingestive and insinuative poisons both herbal and inorganic,pyrotechnics, smoke, and other relevant cross-disciplinarstudies, while continuing to promote, disseminate, and integrateecacious practices o covert inltration, surveillance,espionage, sabotage, and assassination that oster personalemployee growth and help us stay competitive in providingtimely long-term high-impact value-added destabilizationsolutions or tomorrow’s emerging global tactical realignment and unorthodox-warare markets.”
[Statement version 31.15.1]
PURPOSE OF THIS DOCUMENT
 This handbook gives you, the new Ninjalistics employee, a brie overview o the corporate ninja’s dark mysteries, proprietary secrets, and required paperwork. From time to time, indeedon the very spur o the moment, Ninjalistics management may expand, delete or otherwise amend this document and thepolicies herein without any notication, prior or otherwise. Your supervisor can provide details, i you can track and deeat him/her in single combat.Ninjalistics employs its workers at-will and able-to-survive. Although we hope your employment relationship with us will belong and productive, Ninjalistics may terminate this relationshipor you at any time, or any reason, with or without cause or notice, on any vagrant whim or feeting ancy.

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