The other day Iwas sitting in aBar having abeer.

Imust have looked like shit because acomplete

stranger asked me if Iwas "alright". Imust have been wearing my feelings on my face and that feeling
was mud.

Ilooked up at the stranger and said "Why is there always some douche bag out there in this big world
trying to fuck with ya"? The stranger got an understanding grin and shook his head as he turned his face
to the floor. Iturned back to my beer not really caring if Iever received a reply.
Still staring at the floor the stranger slowly lifted his arm like an elephant's trunk and slapped it on my
back and said "Doesn't it just make ya wanna beat your head against awall"? Then turned and made his
way outthe door into thesunlight, leaving his scent ofwet wool and stale alcohol breath behind.
Itook aswig of my beer as my face started to tick and mumbled to myself "No, that's exactly what I
don't want to do! Imuch rather beat that douche bags head against the wall. Why risk chipping my
teeth? Why bruise my face? Aswollen eye? Hell no.

Imyself think all ofthat bludgeoning would look more appealing on that douche oftheweek. Plus Ithink
we should make up a random name for ass bites, like furmacurd, in my opinion calling people assholes
and douche bags kinda gives anuses and feminine hygiene a bad rap. Further more
Hold up—hold up....jeez I'm sorry. Ididn't mean to go and burn you guys out with my rants. Hell
it's Christmas time for Christ sakes.

Ihope ya all have a nice cozy Holiday and asuper safe New Years and Iwish good thoughts toall anuses
and feminine hygiene products around the World. Peace on Earth and may all the Furmacurds rot in
hell.

Just Some Dude, Old Saint Nielzine

Speaking of Hell. Hells Bell's that is. ADD/C is playing a

show at Billco's Billiards in Napa on December 23rd. This
ALL AGES show starts at 9:00pm and admission is FREE!
So all you Night prowlers grab your Rosie round the waist
and head on down and catch that show.

For a preview check out WWW.addcband.com

COYER ART:M1IL MBERA

 DUMPSTER
BY ALEX LEIBERT

I decided to stay home on New Year's Eve. Ididn't get invited to any house parties and the
bars downtown are always too crowded. The last time I went to abar on New Year's Eve I
got punched in the face for something someone else said. Also, the rain was pounding down
and it just felt like agood night to stay home and drink and listen to records. My friend
Chris called and tried to convince me to go to some dive bar with him. The bar is close to
my house and I considered it for awhile butdeclined. Chris said he'd call me from the bar
later and try to convince me to join him. Chris is of the opinion that it is unfathomable to
stay home alone on New Year's Eve. He says it's the easiest night ofthe year to get laid. Be
that as it may, I stayed home.

I was having adecent evening before Chris called from the bar at about eleven-thirty. I was
listening to some new records I had recently purchased and drinking beer and whiskey. I
felt alittle lonely but nothing I wasn't used to. Chris sounded really drunk and it was hard
to hear him with all of the bar noise in the background. He said he was talking to acouple
of cute ladies and he needed awingman. He needed me to keep one ofthe ladies occupied so
he could try and hook up with the other one. I didn't really want to go but Chris has always
been a good friend to me and I know how much he loves trying to score with women in
bars. Fuck it. I put on my rain jacket and ventured outside.
Ittook me about ten minutes to walk to the bar. I was soaked when I finally got there. As
usual, the rain intensified the second I left my apartment. The bar wasn't as crowded as I
thought it would be. Ilooked around for Chris and spotted him down at the end ofthe long
bar. He was standing with his back to me and the two aforementioned women were seated
at the bar with their backs to the bartender. As I walked towards them I could see Chris
was swaying backand forth like he does when he's had too much to drink. Either Chris
was lying to me to get me to come down here or he was so smashed he couldn't see straight
because these women were not attractive. It's not like I have women beating down my door
to go out with me, but every man has his limits. I mean these women were really ugly. I
hate to even say that, I'm sure they are beautiful in other ways, but it's the truth. God bless
Chris. When I reached the three ofthem, Chris put his arm around me and slurred out an
introduction. I don't remember their names but they looked even uglier up close. Chris and
the skankier ofthe two quickly excused themselves to go have acigarette outside. I turned
to the other woman and she gave me a big smile. I gulped.
I really struggled to make conversation with this lady. When the clock struck midnight she
looked at melike she wanted to kiss me but I just stared at the television behind her. She
was really drunk. I started to feel sorry for her. She probably never gets any attention from
men. I wondered if she was as lonely as I was. I suddenly realized thatChris had been
outside for about a half an hour. I excused myself and went outside to make sure he wasn't
puking in the gutter or something. I didn't see him in the smoking section but I heard some
noise coming from the alley behind the bar so, regrettably, I went back there to have a
 look.

The woman was bent over with her arms outstretched and her hands against adumpster.
She had her skirt up around her quite large midsection and Chris was fucking her from
behind. Man, he was really giving it to her. She was making quite a racket and the
dumpster wheels squeaked as they moved back and forth. Chris saw me and gave me a
wink. He made a motion that I took to mean I could go next and I quickly turned around
and went back inside. I should have just gone home. What kind of awoman lets aguy like
Chris bend her over a dumpster behind a barin the pouring rain?
The other woman was waiting for me when Igot back inside the bar. I was hoping some
desperate guy would bechatting her up upon my return. No such luck.
"They're having sex outthere, aren't they?" she said.
"Yes. Yes, they are," I replied.
"That's nasty," she said.

"Yes. Yes, it is," I answered.

Just then, afight broke out. Actually, it was more of an assault than afight. Ayoung,
skinny guy accidentally hit a lady in the chest with the back ofhis pool cue while he was
taking ashot. The bar was much too small for pool tables and I've seen this happen before.
The woman's boyfriend saw what happened and walked over to the skinny guy. The
boyfriend was huge with a shaved head and sleeve tattoos. I knew I should have looked
away, but itwas impossible. The huge guy dropped the skinny guy with one powerful
punch just as the skinny guy was eeking out his apology. My stomach turned. The bouncers
threw out the big guy and the skinny guy's friends tended to their fallen buddy. He was
unconscious and there was blood all over his face. I felt sick. I turned to the lady I was
with.

"It was nice to meetyou, but I'm going home now."

"Can I come with you?" she asked.
"No," I said.

"Please," she said. "I have nowhere to sleep tonight."

"I'm sorry," I replied. "I can't."

I turned and walked back home in the rain. I drank beer and watched television until three
o'clock in the morning and then I brushed my teeth and went to bed.
 SEMEN IN THE STOMACH, COCAINE UP THE BUTT
(I tried to come up with a better title, but couldnft.)
The truth behind rock n* roll's most notorious urban legends.
By Andy Covert
"Don't tell me the old, old story,
Tell me the truth this time"

- Billy Bragg

So, you've heard them. In locker rooms and dingy bars, in rec rooms and stadium parking
lots, atparties and in detention. "Hey, man, I heard that...(insert rock n' roll myth here.)
Now, I have the amazing (or some would say annoying) ability to retain tons and tons of
useless rock trivia facts in my head. Add to that an almost insatiable curiousity to learn the
real story behind things and I would like to think that I am a pretty knowledgable expert
on the subject of rockn' roll myths, rumors, urban legends, half-truths and flat out
lies.(Note: The writer ofthis piece is NOT an expert on anything.) A lot of these stories are
right now being debated on the internet, so let's get on with our quest for the truth and
start off with this one:

Urban legend #1: Rod Stewart collapses on stage. He is rushed to the hospital and has his
stomach pumped. In his stomach doctors find a gallon of semen.
The reality: Agallon ofsemen? Really? How many dicks would someone have to suck in
order to ingest that much sperm? The average male ejaculates a tablespoon ofsemen. This
myth has been applied to other performers overtheyears, but there is no truth to it.
Bonus rock trivia: The bands lOcc and The Lovin' Spoonful are both supposedly named
after the amount that comes out when a guy orgasms.

Urban legend #2: Stevie Nicks was so addicted to cocaine that she used to have a roadie
blow it up her ass.

The reality: Stevie herself has called this rumor "absurd", but if I had to have cocaine
blown up my ass I wouldn't want to admit iteither. I think we can safely say that this one is
false, though. Ms. Nicks did have a big hole in her nose from doing so much blow, so maybe
that was how this rumor got started.

Bonus rock trivia: As far as I know, this rumor did not inspire thealbum title "Rumours."
 Urban legend #3: "Mama" Cass Elliot of The Mamas And The Papas died of choking on a
ham sandwich.

The reality: Didn't happen. She passed away in London in 1974 from massive heart failure
brought on by obesity and crash dieting. Asandwich may have been found in her room,
but there was no food in her trachea.

Urban legend #4: Marilyn Manson played Paul Pfeiffer, Kevin Arnold's pal, on the TV
show "The Wonder Years."

The reality: Come on, people. The part of Paul was played by Josh Saviano. Where do you
come up with this stuff? Also, Mr. Manson a.k.a Brian Warner didn't play Kevin Owens on
the TV show , Mr. Belvedere, either. Rob Stone was the actor in that role. There are many,
many myths associated with Marilyn Manson which range from him throwing puppies into
the audience and demanding they be killed before he continues to the one about him having
his lower ribs removed so he could suck himself off. I'm suprised the gallon ofsemen in the
stomach one hasn't been attributed to him, too.

Bonus rock trivia: Ifyou want some actual child actors who grew up to become musicians
there is Alanis Morissette. She was a cast member on that Nickelodeon show "You Can't
Do That On Television" when she was ayoung girl. Also, that kid who played Andy on
"Family Ties" grew up and started a band and I think Tina Yothers (also on "Family
Ties") was doing some singing for awhile. Oh, and let's not forget Robbie Rist, who played
Cousin Oliver on "The Brady Bunch." And then there is Corey Feldman, who had acouple
albums out. (One was called "Former Child Actor", which is not to be confused with
Alanis Morissette's album "Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie." Anyway, Corey, buddy,
I thought you did great work in "The Goonies", "Stand By Me", "Gremlins", The Lost
Boys" and various other80's movies, but dude, that album just flat out sucked. I thinkI
would rather listen to Kim Kardashian fart through a cardboard tube for 6 hours than
listen to that album again.)

Urban legend #5: The lyrics to "Louie, Louie" are dirty.

The reality: Sorry, butthey are totally clean. There are probably several reasons for this
myth. One of them being that the words are almost unintelligable because the lead singer
strained his voice the night before they recorded. Also, he was wearing braces, the boom
mic was set too high and the band thought that they were only rehearsing. The sad thing is
that the FBI actually spent two and ahalf years investigating a rock n' roll song!
 Bonus rock trivia: Although the song "Louie, Louie" was recorded by both The Kingsmen
and Paul Revere & The Raiders in 1963, it is The Kingsmen's version that has become the
definitive version.

Urban legend #6: Awoman was killed during the recording of The Ohio Players song
"Love Rollercoaster."

The reality: No one was harmed during the recording of this song. The reason for this myth
is that just before the second verse, you can hear what sounds like awoman screaming. It's
actually just the keyboard player. I mean, come on, the idea ofa killer hiding out in a
recording studio and then jumping out and killing awoman while a band is recording a
song is pretty ridiculous.

Urban legend #7: Led Zeppelin stuffed a mud shark into a groupie's orifices.
The reality: Not quite as exciting. Supposedly, itwas just Zep's road manager, Richard
Cole, stuffing a red snapper up the groupie while members ofZep's tour mates Vanilla
Fudge watched. Members ofLed Zep may or may not have been in the room at the time.
Bonus rock trivia: Hands down, I would say thatFrankZappa had the best stories about
things going in and coming out of groupie's orifices.

Urban legend #8: Grand Funk Railroad were being heckled by an audience member at a
concert. Fed up, the guitarist says,"If you think you can do better, come up here." The
heckler comes up onstage and it turns outto be Eric Clapton.
The reality: There are several different versions of this one, which pretty much means it
never really happened. In other versions the heckler turns out to be Jimmy Page(maybe
after he got done with the mud shark and the groupie, he decided to go heckle Grand
Funk.) I think Clapton and Page probably had better things to do with their time, don't
you?

Urban legend #9: Michael Jackson bought the remains of the Elephant Man.
 The reality: Nope, butyou have to love the fact that Jackson was a man thatwas so bizarre
that any crazy rumor you could come up with about him seemed plausible. In reality, the
Elephant Man's skeleton is in a hospital in England and not for sale and his organs were
destroyed in an air raid back in WWII.

Bonus rock trivia: Canadian novelty rockers Barenaked Ladies list the Elephant Man's
remains as something they would buy if they "had a million dollars" in their hit ofthe
same name.

Urban legend #10: Gene Simmons of Kiss had a cow tongue surgically grafted onto his
own.

The reality: Wait, let me stop laughing first. Have you ever seen a cow tongue? How could
he get that thing in his mouth? This myth is as silly and ridiculous as the movie "Kiss
Meets The Phantom Of The Park."

Bonus rock trivia: In the early 90's there was an urban legend going around that Peter
Criss ofKiss was a homeless alcoholic. Roseanne Barr& Tom Arnold even started a
campaign to help him out. Itwas eventuallly revealed that the man who everyone thought
was Criss was actually an imposter named Christopher Dickinson.

Urban legend #11: Ozzy bit the head off a live bat during a concert.
The Reality: Yes, it's true! Although, hedidn't know it was a real bat that someone threw
onstage. He thought it was a rubber one, so he picked it up and chomped down on it which
resulted in rabies shots for the Oz man. Oh, and the one about him biting the heads off of
doves is also true, but the one about him pissing on The Alamo is only half true. He actually
urinated on a memorial across the street from The Alamo while drunk and wearing his
wife's dress.

Urban legend #12:The Phil Collin's song "In The Air Tonight" is based on atrue story
about someone drowning.

The reality: It's asong about Phil's divorce. That's all, but it is amazing how many stories
are floating around about the true meaning behind this hit. It would take forever to go into
them all, but here are a few:

Story 1: Phil's wife is raped and killed and Phil is forced to watch. The killer is never
caught, but years later Phil is walking around a lake and he hears someone out in the water
yelling for help. He swims out to the guy, realizes it is the guy who raped and killed his
wife, so he turns around, swims back to shore and let's the guy drown.
Story 2: Phil is on the beach and he sees a person drowning, but he is either too inebriated
to help or too far away. He sees a guy who is either sober or close enough to save the
drowning person, but the guy just watches the person drown. Years later, Phil is on tour
when he sees the guy. He sends him tickets to the show and then sings this song to him. At
the end of the song, either the cops come out and arrest the guy or the guy goes home and
kills himself.

Story 3: Phil and a friend are out on a boat which capsizes. They both swim to the shore,
but Phil's friend can't swim well and starts to drown. There is a man on the shore who sees
this and does nothing. Years later, Phil is on tour and...you guessed it. Concert, song, arrest
or suicide follow.

Story 4: Phil's friend at summer camp drowns in a lake because the counselor that was
supposed to be watching them is off making out with some girl. You know how this one
ends up, too, don't you?

There are a bunch more, but that's all I'm gonna list.
Bonus rap trivia: In his hitsong "Stan", Eminem makes a reference to the drowning
rumor surrounding the song. The lyrics go something like"You know that song by Phil
Collins "In The Air OfThe Night" (sic)/ About that guy who could've saved that other guy
from drowning/but didn't and Phil saw it all and then at a show he found him."

So, there you go. The record has been set straight. The funny thing is thatnomatter how
many times a myth gets de-bunked, there will always be someone out there who still
fervently believes it to be true. Hell, it does make things more exciting. Hey, did you hear
that Lady Gaga has a penis?

NIELZINE
T.O.Botc -7x3,
Santa Rosa, California
95402

Send Ya Soul!
Dr Feltersnatch's mothermcking surefire remedy for an angry soul
Fuck.. .Fucking Free at last.

It feels so good to type fuck. It's like motherfucking therapy. Because this mother
fucking economy sucks. I spend my work days presenting, talking, selling, writing,
running, educating, but I never get to write or say flick - and if I let one slip it's like
everyonejust saw that I have a tattoo on my penis and I AM the fucking freak they all
feared. Sure I will sneak a fuck in at the water cooler with one of those work friends you
can trust, but other than those brief interactions, there will be no fucking during my day
verbally or otherwise.

Fuck the fucking flickers! It's a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, interjection, it slices it
dices, it motherfucking juliennes.

I love flick - you love flick. Its profane, its offensive, and it provokes a big flicking
reaction just like our music. And since I am writing under an assumed name and none of
you motherfuckers will know who I am; this seems the perfect venue to release my inner
motherfucking motherfucker. And yes, I don't know if that flicking semi-colon goes there
so flick you.

Fuck = Music

Fuck keeps me close to music. You know damn well what I am talking about. We flick to
music; we get fucked-up to music; we fucking love music; hell you ladies out there seem
to like to fuck musicians. Well I guess I wanted to flick Lita Ford and Blondie, and that
chick from that Berlin video back in the day.. .and of yeah Tawny Kitean from the
Whitesnack video and pretty much all of the Runaways. But I digress.
My pointhere people is that music is the sound track to our motherfucking lives BUT it's
also the cure to bad motherfucking day. Are you seeing the flicking connection?
We live for the loud music that helps us release. So get in your car, or turn on your stereo
at home, or get that weak-ass iPod if you still live with mama.. .and turn that
motherfucker to eleven. When you find yourself saying flick a lot, getting fucked a lot(in
a bad way), or otherwise in a bad fucking mood, turn to your music and go get
fucked.. .(in a good way).
Sinfuckingcerely,
Dr. Feltersnatch