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RELATIONSHIPS..There's No Getting Around Them

RELATIONSHIPS..There's No Getting Around Them

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Published by Carol Pilkington
This article is about the 5 elements of being successful in relationship
This article is about the 5 elements of being successful in relationship

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Published by: Carol Pilkington on Jan 02, 2011
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial


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 THERE·S NO GETTING AROUND THEM You go into a grocery store there are people with carts and we have to navigatethrough all of them. You go to the movies you have to interact with the person at the window and again there is a sea of movie goers. Whether it is a stranger or a family member we are in the world and we must relate with one another. There is no getting around it.How we relate to one another makes all the difference in the world. It takes C.A.R.Eto be in relationship no matter what the nature of that relationship is, from the mostcasual to the most intimate.
C = Commitment
² It takes commitment to fully engage and be present withanother. When we walk through a store how rare is it that you see people making eyecontact with one another let alone say a word. If someone does happen to make eyecontact with you what is your immediate reaction? Is it surprise, suspicion, joy? Doyou get caught off guard or do you outwardly pretend that they are not looking at youand ignore them? Do you question why they are looking at you? Hey, you lookin· atMe? Or, do you meet them with a friendly smile or gesture? It takes commitment to walk out the door each day and consciously intend to acknowledge otherness, whichis altogether another topic for discussion.
´Cµ can also equal Communication
. We are always communicating whether it is verbal or non-verbal. How and what wecommunicate is the root of all conflict and/or understanding. It takes commitment tocommunicate fully and clearly to leave no doubt in one·s mind as to what is expressedand meant.
 A = Attention ² 
For the most part we understand that children need our utmostattention. Children turn into adults. It is not just children that need attention;relationships with adults need attention as well. Without attention as children thefeeling of being ignored, unseen and unheard grows as we become adults. It canmanifest in a myriad of ways, through aggression, spite, physical and verbal abuse. We either act out or withdraw at the first hint of confrontation. As we enter into arelationship whether friendship or business associate each one is vying for attentionand attempting to get it in their own way. It often creates friction and conflictbecause neither individual is SEEing the other. They are not paying ATTENTIONto one another. There is no commitment to listening to another·s needs. How oftendo you find that as you are talking and expressing that the other person begins to talk over you and cuts you off in the middle of what you are saying? Do you do the same
thing? It takes everything one has, to give another undivided attention. We are oftenafraid that we will forget what we wanted to say or that what we have to say is moreimportant.
² When we enter into a relationship with another we don·t oftentreat them as though we were entering into a contract. The expectations that we haveare not spelled out. How we want to be treated is not openly and honestly expressed.Most of the time we are not even fully aware of these things to be able to expressthem. We go about relationships like bulls in a china closet. It takes full attention,commitment, respect and awareness of others to be in relationship responsibly withanother. That means to fully own the impact we have on another human being. Weas humans are sensitive to sound, smell, visual, touch. We are stimulated all the time. You could say we walk around triggered all day long and we don·t even know it. It isquite visceral in fact that we feel it in our bodies. Unfortunately we are not oftenconscious to all this stimulation and therefore we don·t pay attention to how weproject onto another our reactions. Responsibility is often equated with blame andshame. And when we don·t do something that fulfills another·s or our ownexpectations there are all kinds of ways that blame and shame is exhibited.Responsibility simply is our ability to respond to all that is around us, including oneanother. If I communicate to my partner that I·m going out and I·ll be back later, Ihave left my partner to wonder where I·m going (and what I·m doing) and when I·llbe back. Now, if I said I·m going to meet with Mr. James and I·ll be back at noon. Then I have fully communicated and my partner can put their attention on othermatters. Notice I did not indicate whether the partner was an intimate or businessassociation. Why, because it doesn·t and shouldn·t matter. Because we live in the world we must take others into account no matter how casual or intimate. Don·t you
to be considered?
E = Energy or Effort
² It takes more energy and effort to clean up messes than itdoes to first ask as many clarifying questions as possible to understand another·sactions and communications. It literally zaps energy when things go wrong and moretime and effort than was necessary is demanded to patch up misunderstandings. If you make every attempt to clear up misunderstandings and resolve communicationproblems you will find you have more energy. There is a cumulative affect that buildsas we leave things unresolved with one another and it affects everything we say anddo in every aspect of our lives. How many times do you hear ´I·m so exhausted and Idon·t really know whyµ? It is because we have incomplete thoughts andconversations taking up space in our minds; and it has a physical affect. Icall it the crew that never rests. Our minds become fragmented.

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