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T

Wordsto
Inspıre
7 things you should say to your kids—
and 7 things you shouldn’t

T BY CYNTHIA DERMODY
The buzzer sounded in the gym in
Melbourne, Florida, and the basketball
game was over. Even though 12-year-
old C.J. Givens’s team had lost, his aunt
Melanie was ecstatic. C.J. had scored
every single one of his team’s 24
points—including a couple of three-
pointers. As he loped over to his fam-
ily waiting in the bleachers, the hugs
didn’t I do right?” His aunt couldn’t un-
derstand the boy’s reaction. She’d just
finished showering him with praise.
“The message C.J. got was that he
didn’t do enough,” explains child
psychologist Vicki Panaccione, PhD,
founder of the Better Parenting Insti-
tute in Melbourne. “His aunt was
telling him he was so fabulous, he
ILLUSTRATED BY MARK ULRIKSEN

and compliments started flying: “You could be a mentor to his teammates.


were awesome!” “Way to hustle for all An adult would have gotten that. But
those points!” that’s not what he heard, because of
Then C.J.’s aunt said, “Now, if you the words she used.”
could just help your teammates play
as well as you do, you guys would be A parent, or anyone else who interacts
unstoppable!” regularly with kids, knows that com-
“What do you mean?” C.J. said de- municating effectively with them can
fensively. “I did the best I could! What be difficult. In C.J.’s case, his aunt sim-
READER’S DIGEST rd.com 02/08 143
ply explained herself and the boy same kind of approval from their
calmed down. But common words and friends when offered a joint or asked
phrases, no matter how well-intended, if they want to go in the backseat of
can do emotional and psychological the car. The implication of saying
harm. Young brains are still develop- “You’re the prettiest girl in class,” or
ing through the teen years, and kids talking about the goals she scored but
can’t be expected to process words, not her overall effort, is that you love
context and nuance (sarcasm, her only when she looks the
for instance) the same best, scores the highest,
way that an adult’s achieves the most.
brain does. Your child And this carries over
If you want chil-
dren to grow up
may not hear to the classroom.
Social psycholo-
into the best pos- the words gist Carol Dweck,
sible versions of
themselves, it’s cru- you’re sure PhD, tested the ef-
fects of overpraise
cial to replace dam-
aging words in your
you said. on 400 fifth graders
while she was at Colum-
vocabulary with alterna- bia University. She found
tives that help build char- that kids praised for “trying hard”
acter. Some of the things did better on tests and were more
parents say to kids seem harmless or likely to take on difficult assignments
even constructive on the surface, but, than those lauded for being “smart.”
experts say, they may hurt more than “Praising attributes or abilities
help. Here are seven of these common makes a false promise that success will
phrases, and alternatives to get your come to you because you have that
message across in a better way. trait, and it devalues effort, so chil-
dren are afraid to take on challenges,”

1 What you say “You’re


the best!”
What they hear “Your job
in life is to make me happy.”
says Dweck, now at Stanford Univer-
sity. “They figure they’d better quit
while they’re ahead.”

A better way to say it “You should be


proud of how hard you worked.”
For years, we’ve been told that boost-
ing a child’s self-esteem is important
2 What you say “Watch
your language!”
What they hear “I’ve
tuned out what you’re
to his or her success in life. But child really trying to say.”
experts are now learning that too A better way to say it “I’m so glad
much praise can backfire. Praise- you came to talk to me, but I have one
aholic tykes who expect it at every request for the future. I find that word
turn may become teens who seek the offensive, so please don’t use it.”
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You probably want to keep George sense that what you do have brings
Carlin’s “Seven Words You Can Never joy,” says Marcy Axness, PhD, a child
Say on Television” out of the house, development specialist and founder
even though you do hear them on TV of quantumparenting.com.
these days. But Panaccione advises a Finances are one of the few topics
more lenient policy toward contem- parents shouldn’t feel a duty to discuss
porary jargon like “This sucks” when or explain, especially with younger
it comes up during the course of a con- kids, Axness says. “If every request is
versation. This is the way modern kids met with a legal brief as to why they
talk; they aren’t trying to be disre- can’t have it or go there, you will end
spectful. When parents shift the focus up with a child who is going to out-
to the words themselves, the point of negotiate you.” Don’t be afraid to say
the talk may be lost forever, and the to your little one, confidently and
kid shuts down. “This is the last thing cheerfully, “No, sorry. Case closed.”
you want,” Panaccione says. “Parents If it’s your older, money-wise child
are lucky if kids are actually talking who’s asking? Sit down with her and
to them.” Just remember the time for work out together how she can make
talking about offensive language is at the purchase happen—as a reward for
the end of the real discussion. improved grades, say, or by buying it
with an allowance for doing extra

3 What you say “We can’t


afford that.”
What they hear “Money
is the answer to everything.”
chores. The process of talking it
through matters more than how much
each contributes.

A better way to say it “The store is


filled with great things today, but we’ve
got lots at home already and we’re not
going to bring home anything more.”
4 What you say “Don’t
worry—it’ll be okay.”
What they hear “You’re
such a drama queen!”
Does your child really need one more A better way to say it “I totally
video game or doll? Of course not. But understand what you must have gone
through. Tell me about it.”
by repeatedly saying money is the only
reason he or she can’t have something, When a child comes home upset about
the parent may be sending the mes- being teased by classmates or not win-
sage that money is the source of all ning a medal at the swim meet, it’s
things good in life. Couple that with only natural for parents to downplay
the marketing blitz everywhere they his disappointment and offer conso-
turn, and children will never get the lation. Adults know that such setbacks
meaning of excess or gratitude. are minor.
“You want your children to have the “But kids need to learn how to ex-
sense of abundance until the age of press feelings, work through them and
five—not in a material way, but in the move on, as opposed to trying to make
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them go away without expression,” fewer of all abductions happen that
says Panaccione. If children feel that way. Meanwhile, children are fre-
they shouldn’t have feelings or that quently victimized by people they
their feelings are bad, they’ll start to know well, including authority figures.
lock them inside and fail to adopt That’s why it makes more sense to tell
healthy coping strategies, she says. kids to be wary of anyone, stranger or
On the other hand, kids shouldn’t acquaintance, who makes them feel at
wallow in bad feelings. A question like all uncomfortable.
“Why do you think this happened?” Parents of kids who spend time on
or “Do you have any ideas about what the Internet should warn them against
you can do to make it better?” may giving information that would iden-
give them the nudge they need to deal tify their whereabouts, such as their
with situations on their own. last name, address or school name,
Says Mel Levine, MD, a professor advises James Beasley, an expert on
of pediatrics at the University of North child predators for the FBI. And kids
Carolina at Chapel Hill: “A parent should always tell their parents about
gives more comfort by listening than new online buddies, especially those
by talking. If you simply resonate with who ask if the child is willing to keep
your child’s mood, then you’ll have a a secret.
child who’s always willing to come to

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you and bare her soul.” What you say “Make
sure you share.”

5 What you say “Don’t talk


to strangers.”
What they hear
“Anyone you don’t know is
What they hear “Give
away your stuff.”
A better way to say it “Jesse would like
to play with your race car for a while, but
trying to hurt you.” it’s still yours and he will give it back.”
A better way to say it “Don’t talk to You’d never hand the keys to your
people who make you feel uncomfort-
sports car to the guy next door. But
able. Here’s how to tell.”
that’s what you’re asking your chil-
Kids today need to, and do, talk to dren to do when you tell them to share
strangers all the time—at the store a toy. “Young kids don’t distinguish
checkout, on the bus, in the doctor’s clearly between themselves and the
office. This antiquated catchphrase is objects they own or cherish, like their
no substitute for a serious one-on-one teddy bear or favorite toy train,” says
about the real risks. psychologist David Elkind, PhD, a pro-
First, parents need a reality check: fessor at Tufts University and the
Despite the sensational stories, cases author of The Hurried Child. “So in ef-
of children snatched off the sidewalk fect you’re asking them to give away
by total strangers and never seen again part of themselves.”
are extremely rare. Just 1 percent or In extreme cases, if a child is forced
146 READER’S DIGEST rd.com 02/08
to relinquish prized possessions over more like benevolent helpmates. And
and over, the separation becomes so then there are the ones parents already
painful that he may avoid forming at- know the answer to (he hit his sister
tachments to people, Elkind says. Kids because he was mad that she took his
don’t really begin to grasp the concept favorite toy). The goal: Shame the
of sharing until age eight or so. Before child into a confession.
then, it’s still important to begin in- This approach may solve a short-
stilling nuggets of selflessness. One so- term headache, but it creates a long-
lution is to put your child’s name on term problem. Parents need to tell kids
the toy before you pry it out of his when they mess up. Doing so breeds
hands, so he knows you’re not forcing a sense of guilt, which in turn lays the
him to relinquish ownership. foundation for a sturdy conscience.
But feeling too much shame early in

7 What you say “Why did


you (miss your curfew,
hit your sister, etc.)?”
What they hear “You
life can shut down the development
of guilt. “Kids without consciences are
kids who never developed the capac-
ity to feel what someone else feels,
messed up again.” which could lead them to steal, lie,
A better way to say it “My guess is start a fight or even commit violent
that you missed your curfew because
crimes,” Axness says. Children take
you were having fun and didn’t want to
comfort in the fact that their parents
come home, but that’s still not okay.”
see and know all. Better just to say
Parents ask way too many questions, you’re aware of what they did, or at
child psychologists say. Some are di- least make a guess at it, and then ex-
rectives in disguise (“Don’t you think plain why it was a bad idea. If you’re
you should put your coat on so you wrong, you’ll be corrected quickly.
won’t get drenched?”), meant to make And that can be the starting point for
parents seem less like dictators and a productive dialogue.

Y E S , B U T W H AT D I D Y O U R E A L LY T H I N K ?
Wired magazine has decidedly mixed opinions about a
particular high-end digital video camera on the market.
“It reminds us of Jessica Simpson,” reads the review.
“It’s hot but kind of annoying and a little slow.”
Critic Alan Bennett is no fan of Arianna Stassinopoulos
(aka Arianna Huffington). One of her books, he
complained, is “so boring, you fall asleep halfway
through her name.”

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