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What to do on a first date (If you're female)

What to do on a first date (If you're female)

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Published by: Meta on May 09, 2007
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05/08/2014

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What to do on a first date (if you're female)This section may be affected by the fact that I am not a woman. And therefore I cannot offer youany tricks that have 'worked for me', obviously. Fortunately for all you double Xs out there* I have, by observation, consultation and fabrication constructed this handy guide.*(Double X (XX) refers to the names of your sex chromosomes. You did know this, right? Of course you didn't.)Before we can get to the 'how to bag a shag' section, we first need to establish exactly what sort of  person you are. Are you good looking, or passable, or vaguely good looking to an optimist in a poor light, or... Not...To work this out, I have decided to use a quiz. And to any males reading this section: Take note,make your own analysis of the women you meet using this table, too.Do you have any of the folowing features:
(Add a point for each)
A way of moving that makes your coat swoosh around you.A smouldering gazeA sense of humour A light, tinkly laughLong, flowing hair Perfect breasts (It doesn't matter what size they are, so long as they objectively look good.)A sexy walk Deep, vibrant eyesAn easy-going personalityA beautiful smileLots of good looking friends (2 point if you have lots of good looking friends, as good lookingfriends give you a great indication that you, yourself, are good looking.)For the following features that you possess you must
deduct a point
. Nasal hair that exceeds 1cm in length or that protrudes from your nostrilsA facial scar A broken noseObviously missing teeth ( - 2 points for several missing teeth)A wooden limb ( again, - 2 points if you have more than one fake limb)A child (-2 points if it's with you. -3 points if it's holding something sticky. -4 points if it's wailingAND holding something sticky AND is using its sticky thing to paint the walls.)A missing eye (Although if you have a tasteful glass eye then only deduct half a point)A really ugly best friend that follows you everywhere.A propensity for being likened to a horse (If people often mention your horsiness then deduct 5 points)A personality that is one of the following: Possessive, disruptive, manic, depressive, manicdepressive, schizophrenicPiercings that are not in your head. (And -1 if you have more than 8 small facial piercing (Andthat's me being generous since I know that some of you seem to think that having metal hanging outof your face is "dead stylish". I'd deduct 2 points for this alone, but some males inexplicably findthis attractive also. Remember, though, that all of the ones like me (i.e the Great ones) will find itirksome.)And for each of the following places that you have
 body hair 
then deduct a point: upper lip, in
 
 between your eyebrows, knuckles, elbows, the back of your knees, on your jaw, anywhere
in
your mouth and in your ears.
 Now, add up those points.Do you have +3 or more
? Then WELL DONE, you're good looking. See the first section belowfor advice on how to behave on dates.
Did you score between +2 and -2?
Then you are not-bad looking, nor completely unattractive .Give the good looking section and the following section a read and take advice as you see fit.
Less than -2?
Oh dear. You're going to need a bit of help with getting chaps to find you attractive.See the section for people. See the section for the not-so good looking for that essential advice onall things romantic.
Less than -8?
Don't you even think about going out on any dates. Stay indoors. Don't yet despair,however, see the "So you look like a horse?" guide below, and soon you may well be in the -2 to -8range. Hurrah!
Less than -10?
Stay indoors.
Less than -12?
Stay undergound.
Less than -16?
How did you manage to get a score this low? You must be trying to look COMPLETELY gruesome to all around you. If not, then its just as well you read this book. Wear itover your head so no one sees you, run back to your cave, and hide under a rock until deathmercifully takes you. See the "So you look like you should live in a pond?" section while you waitfor the grim reaper. Right, now that you have been handily and insultingly classified, on with the first-date guides!
How to Bag a Shag:
If you are good looking
 
then do the following. (This works 24/7, not just on dates):
 
Laugh charmingly.Look pretty.That's it. Everyone will do whatever you want, all of the time. (If people don't do whatever youwant all of the time then you may have added up your points incorrectly.)If you are...
not so good looking:
 
O.K, you are going to need to use all of your natural assets to pull this one off, but you can do it.You go girl...Make him feel important. Ask him questions about his life, job, family, studies- whatever. Men liketo feel like they're the centre of the universe, so exploit this to the maximum extent that you possibly can.Is that not working for you? How about joining in with his enjoyment of 'manly' activities. Sports,

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