PROVIDENCE RED (16)

Written By Harry J. Chong

FADE IN:

EXT. STREETS – NIGHT

JON walks along the street. A knife wielding ROBBER springs from
behind the lamppost.

ROBBER
Don’t move!

Jon has a thick Australian accent.

JON
(points)
Cut Co., am I right?

ROBBER
What?!

JON
(wagging finger)
Well I’ll tell you right here mate. I am not
interested in purchasing your knives.

ROBBER
I’m not selling knives you moron -- this is a
robbery!

JON
You’re serious?

ROBBER
Yes, yes! I’m robbing you!

JON
Well that’s not very nice of you. In fact I
could go as far to say it’s quite very rude.

ROBBER
I am a robber. I’m not supposed to be nice. I
am supposed to be mean, scary and smelly.
JON
 I don’t think you have to be smelly to be a
robber.

ROBBER
Shut up! You know what I mean.

JON
So uh what exactly are you looking to steal?

ROBBER
I don’t know. Jewels? You got Jewels?

JON
Why would I be carrying around jewels? And
furthermore what would you do with them?
Nobody wants to buy stinky used jewellery.

ROBBER
Russell Oliver would.

JON
Russell Oliver is a douche bag.

ROBBER
I know but he could still give me cash. Cash!
Cash! Cash!

JON (VO)
Jesus. I gotta do something before he
snatches my deluxe faux ostrich wallet...

Jon steps forward.

JON
Swiper no swiping! Swiper no swiping!
Swiper no swiping!

ROBBER
What the...

Robber punches Jon in the face (black eye) and knocks him down
flat. He grabs his wallet and flees.

JON
Aw man!
TITLE CARD: “PROVIDENCE RED”

INT. JON’S HOUSE– DAY

DINING ROOM

Jonny Oz and EDdie English are at the dining room table drinking tea
and discussing politics. Jon has a faded black eye.

JON
(Australian accent)
Batman’s a fag.

ED
(British accent)
Batman is not a fag!

JON
Oh really? Then why the fag is he hanging
out with that Robin all the time? You can’t
get that close to a man without being a
homosexual.

ED
They is close to each other like brothers. But
they ain’t packing away the fudge.

JON
If that is the case, then what was that video
I was watching last night?

ED
That was Broke Back Mountain yah silly
cunt!

JON
Hey wasn’t that movie done by the guy who
directed The Hulk?

ED
I think so. Uh -- Ang Lee right?

JON
Can you imagine if The Hulk was queer?
What a difficult time that would be; finding
the right partner to fit his massive neon
green penis.

ED
What about The Green Giant?

JON
The vegetable man on the tele’?

ED
Yeah. Him.

JON
Honestly? I don’t think it could work out.

ED
And why not?

JON
Look I know you think they could get along
because they’re both big and green. But let
me tell you something Ed. The Green
Giant’s Wang is a brittle cucumber. And The
Hulk is a very angry character. Do you really
think The Green Giant could survive rough
sex with The Hulk?

ED
If it was normal sex maybe.

JON
But this isn’t normal sex. It’s gay sex.

ED
Are you implying what I think you’re
implying?

JON
It’s not normal.

ED
You’re a bloody homophobe aren’t you?

JON
 Mate. Let me tell you something about the
Aussies. The only person we men like seeing
in tight shorts is The Crocodile Hunter. And
he’s dead.

ED
Jon. Usually you’re the rational person in
this “partnership” but if you think there’s
something wrong and abnormal about
queers and steers -- you’re being an
ignorant Yank’ you are!

JON
If it’s so perfectly natural then why don’t
you give it a shot then Ed?!

ED
I’m not a bloody fruit fly.

JON
Right you’re not a fag -- like Batman.

ED
Hey! Stop using that word. Batman is not a
fag. And that’s an extremely derogatory
term for homosexuals.

JON
No the word “nigger” is derogatory. The
American use for the word “fag” on the
other hand is highly entertaining.

Ed stands up and leaves. Jon bites into a ginger snap.

EXT. STREETS – ESTABLISHING – DAY

A first person view bike ride through the city. Various shots of graffiti
ridden walls, decrepit homes, transients, and prostitutes -- typical
city stuff.

EXT. LOCAL PARK – DAY

ED arrives at the park. He locks his bike to a tree and meets the
DRUG DEALER sitting on the bench. Drug Dealer gets up to shake
his hand.
 ED
Hello there Binnder.

DRUG DEALER
(Indian accent)
For the last time! My fucking name is not
Binnder.

ED
Right whatever Binnder. You got the stuff?

DRUG DEALER
Yes but it is only a pound.

ED
In English.

DRUG DEALER
Jero [sic] point four five kilo.

ED
Same price as last time?

DRUG DEALER
No.

ED
No? What the bloody hell do you mean
“no”?

Drug Dealer reaches into his jacket and takes out a brown paper
bag.

DRUG DEALER
This is a special Mary-jew-wanna.
(smells bag)
It is from the ancient Indian jungles of
Agraba. It is well known for its mystical
properties.

JON
And how much more are these “mystical
properties” gonna cost me?

DRUG DEALER
For you? Triple the price.
 JON
Triple the bloody price?! How do you expect
me to retail a product for triple the bloody
price?

DRUG DEALER
Trust me you can sell it.

JON
Not for triple the bloody price!

DRUG DEALER
Look! I don’t have time for this. I have an
arranged marriage to attend to, so if you
don’t want it --

Drug Deal opens his jacket to put away the drugs. Ed grabs the bag.

JON
Alright fine! I’ll try it out.

DRUG DEALER
Great!
(points)
Just make sure nobody smokes it after
midnight.

ED
What is this fucking Grimlins?

DRUG DEALER
It’s Gremlins asshole, not Grimlins.

ED
Whatever.

Ed looks inside the bag.

ED
This better be good.

Ed reaches into his back pocket and hands Drug Dealer a padded
envelope.
 DRUG DEALER
Now! Even though I have your money I am
still concern [sic] with my customer. So take
me serious when I say not to smoke it after
midnight.

ED
This ain’t for personal consumption.

DRUG DEALER
Well whoever smokes it; don’t forget...

CLOSE-UP – DRUG DEALER’S MOUTH

DRUG DEALER
It is very, very, very important.

ED
Whatever.

Ed rolls up his sleeve and looks at his watch.

ED
Gotta go!

Ed begins walking away.

DRUG DEALER
Don’t forget!

Ed sticks up his middle finger.

DRUG DEALER
Lick my testicles you stupid immigrant!

INT. JON’S HOUSE – DAY

LIVING ROOM

Jon is watching TV. Ed enters the room and tosses a Ziploc bag of
doobies onto his lap.
 ED
I hope everything is in order.

Jon tosses the bag back to Ed.

ED
What’s all this then?

JON
Unfortunately dear brother this ain’t the
green I’m craving for.

ED
You want money for rent? Is that it then?

Jon nods his head. Ed folds his arms.

ED
Fine. Money it is. Yah greedy bastard.

JON
I’m sorry Ed but I have a real job. I can’t get
high every minute y’know.

ED
Still working at the bloody factory yeah?

JON
It’s a shitty job, but it’s a job nonetheless.

ED
Seriously you gotta quit that J-O-B m’bloke.
It’s killing yah.

JON
Your drug money alone ain’t enough mate.
Me have to pay the rent y’know.

ED
Well what happened to that thousand
dollars I gave you last time?

JON
We got high and snuck on a plane to China
and bought a Mah-jong table from a
Chinaman named Wu. I believe he was a
Chinaman, but he was awfully dark for a
Chinaman. Mighta been Filipino.

ED
...We have Chinese Dominoes?

JON
No we threw that off The Great Wall of
China.

ED
And for what particular reason?

JON
We thought a pink elephant was chasing us.
Turns out it was just a regular elephant.
(shakes head)
I knew we shouldn’t have ate those fucking
peanuts.

ED
Well my friend that was in the past. No time
for regrets. “Keep moving forward,” that’s
what I always say.

JON
You never say that. In fact this is the first
time you’ve said that.

ED
(sarcastic)
Is it? Oh master of conversations?

JON
...Shut the fuck up and go sell those
goddamn drugs already.

ED
Hey there’s no need for cursing you fat cow.

JON
 Hey call me an asshole. Call me a
cocksucker. Call me whatever you damn
well please. But never call me a cow.
(points)

ED
Oh! Did I bring about bad memories from
you childhood? Moo! Moo!

Jon turns off the TV and grimaces.

JON
Shut your face kiddie fucker.

ED
Ew that’s just sick. Why don’t you just call
me a “nigger” instead? I know you want to
you fucking racist.

JON
I’m not having this conversation.
(stands up)
I am going to the crapper. And when I return
you have had better sold those drugs.

ED
(Hitler salute)
Yes sir!

Jon grabs a newspaper and leaves the living room.

JON (OS)
And no more fucking Hitler salutes!

EXT. FRAZZLED’S HOUSE – DAY

PORCH

Ed KNOCKS on the front door. A woman with FRAZZLED looking hair

answers.

FRAZZLED
(annoyed)
 Do you even know what fucking time it is?!

ED
Five.

FRAZZLED
What the fuck is wrong with you? Dope
dealing at five in the fucking morning!

ED
Five PM.

Frazzled looks at her hand. There’s a watch drawn onto her wrist.

FRAZZLED
Jesus Christ. I’m really out of it.

ED
Apparently so.

FRAZZLED
Well what the fuck do you want?

ED
Why don’t you take a guess you fucking
junkie.

FRAZZLED
Why don’t you shut the fuck up and just tell
me why you’re here.

ED
That’s a bit of an oxymoron isn’t it?

Frazzled grabs Ed by the collar of his shirt.

FRAZZLED
Why are you here?

Ed takes out a bag of “doobie snacks.”

ED
Special delivery.

Frazzled lets go of Ed and grabs the bag.

FRAZZLED
 Where the hell were you?

ED
(shifty eyed)
I wasn’t jerking off in a Tim Hortons
bathroom if that’s what you’re getting at.

FRAZZLED
...Get in the fucking house.

Frazzled pulls Ed inside and closes the door.

INT. FRAZZLED’S HOUSE – DAY

FIRST FLOOR

FRAZZLED
Follow me.

Ed follows Frazzled around the house.

ED
(walking)
You are going to pay me right? I mean if
you’re gonna be a typical fucking bunny
boiler and --

Frazzled stops and spins around. She points her long pointy finger.
Ed is taken aback.

FRAZZLED
I may not be the best person in the world --
but in my house you respect me. I am a
human being. Not a fucking bunny.
ED
Okay. No need to get your knickers in a
bunch.
(whispering)
Bitch.

FRAZZLED
My wallet’s upstairs.

Ed follows Frazzled upstairs. They go into her bedroom.

BEDROOM
Frazzled sits down on her bed and crosses her legs. She pulls up her
shorts and stares seductively at Ed.

FRAZZLED
Like what you see?

ED
Um yes it’s quite a nice room. Got your
furniture from Ikea did you?

FRAZZLED
Would you like to see what’s underneath?

Frazzled takes off her shirt and throws it on the floor.

ED
What -- what are you doing?

FRAZZLED
Don’t deny yourself tiger. I know you want
me.

ED
You’re not really my type.

FRAZZLED
I’ve got a pussy. You’ve got a dick. I’m your
type.

ED
(shaking head)
Nooo you’re not.

Frazzled takes Ed’s hand and puts it on her breast.

FRAZZLED
Feel it.

ED
P-p-pretty good. B-but your nipples are a bit
hard. I could probably hang me coat one of
these.

Frazzled twirls her long pouffee hair.

 FRAZZLED
They’re hard because I’m aroused.

Ed pulls back.

ED
Wait, wait, wait. Are you trying to pay me in
sexual intercourse?

FRAZZLED
Whatever you want. Ass to mouth.
Cunnilingus. 69. Bukkake. I’m all yours for
three minutes -- maybe four if you’re not too
premature.

ED
What in blue blazes is bukkake?

FRAZZLED
It’s the Japanese version of a golden shower.

ED
Hmm. Sounds enticing but I’d really prefer
cash.

FRAZZLED
What the fuck is wrong with you?! Don’t you
know a good thing when you see it? Or feel
it?

ED
Well you see my brother -- well actually not
really my brother. We is more like black
brothers. Not really brothers in the DNA
sense, but brothers in the spiritual sense.

FRAZZLED
Shut up and fuck me!

Frazzled spreads her legs wide open. View between her legs.

ED
 (to self)
Oh Eddie English you’ve really got yourself
into a pickle this time haven’t you?

FRAZZLED
No pickles!

ED
Excuse me I was having a soliloquy.

FRAZZLED
Is that like a monologue?

ED
Sort of.

FRAZZLED
Okay! Let’s get this over with.

Frazzled throws her panties onto Ed’s face. He peels them off and
tosses them aside.

ED
No thank you. I gave up sweater meat for
lent.

FRAZZLED
(gets up)
Fine! You want your money?!

Frazzled flips over her mattress and grabs a small pile of bills. She
crumples them up and throws them one by one.

FRAZZLED
(throwing bills)
Here’s your fucking money!

Ed bends over and picks ups the crumpled bills. He puts them into
his pocket.

ED
Glad to do business with you.

Ed leaves the room. Frazzled folds her arms and scowls.

EXT. STREETS – DAY

Ed strolls through the streets when he accidentally bumps into a

BUM.

BUM
(raspy voice)
Hello.

ED
(nervously waves)
Hello?

Bum mutters and grumbles; barely understandable.

ED
What?

Bum continues mumbling and grumbling. He gestures wildly. Ed

scratches his head, he is sorely confused.

ED
Um...

Bum takes out a canteen of alcohol and takes a swig. His voice
suddenly clears up. He sticks out his palm and begs for change.

BUM
Change?

ED
Oh is that what you want -- change? Of
course I can help you! I have an excellent
Tony Robbins CD waiting at home just for
you.

BUM
No dummy. I want coins. Money.

ED
I am not going to give you money for booze.

BUM
Who said it was for booze?

ED
 You smell like a fucking liquor store in
Buffalo New York! Of course it’s for booze!

BUM
Fine! It’s for booze. Now will you give me
some fucking money?

ED
(prayer hands)
M’bloke, m’bloke, you gotta find another
vice. This drinking thing is killing yah. Do
something non-detrimental.

BUM
Like what?

ED
Here.

Ed hands Bum a joint. He holds it up against the sky and looks at it

in bewilderment.

ED
Don’t look at it. Smoke it.

BUM
Isn’t this illegal?

ED
You’re a fucking bum. If you get arrested
you get a hot meal and a warm place to
stay. What is there to lose?

Bum puts the joint in his mouth. Ed takes out a Zippo and lights the
Bum’s joint.

ED
Now puff it.

Bum puffs the joint and smiles.

ED
It’s just like a cigarette ah? But much better
and rarely prone to giving you cancer.

BUM
 (pause)
Cancer?

ED
I said “rarely prone to giving you cancer.”

BUM
Oh.
(puff)
Good God I think this thing is giving me the
munchies...
(singing and dancing)
Munchies! I got the munchies! I got the
munchies! I got the mother fucking
munchies! Got the munchies! Munchies!
Munchies! Got the fucking munchies!
Munchies! Munchies! Fucking Munchies!
Munchies, munchies! Fucking munchies!
(adlib)

Ed runs away.

INT. JON’S HOUSE – DAY

GARAGE

Jon is swinging around a hockey stick like a weapon; it looks like

he’s practicing martial arts. There is a KNOCK at the door. Jon
pauses and goes to answer it.

ED
(salute)
G’day mate!

JON
That is the worst Aussie impression I have
ever seen.

ED
Chuck a shrimp on the Barbie. What are you
doing in here?

JON
 Practicing me arts.

ED
Painting? With a bloody hockey stick?

JON
Martial arts, moron.

ED
Martial arts moron; never heard of it.

JON
C’man, I’ll show you some of me moves.

Ed steps into the garage. Jon tosses him a stick.

ED
What’s all this then? Gonna have a light-
saber battle are we?

JON
It’s called Kendo.

ED
Is that the Japanese pronunciation of
candle?
(Japanese imitation)
Ah yes right de candle! Domo arigato! Mista
Robotora!

JON
That’s just racist.

Ed bucks out his teeth and squints, doing a crude imitation of a

Japanese salary-man.

ED
(Japanese imitation)
Do you rearry fink dat is the most racist fing
you have ever seen?

JON
You’re just asking for an arse kicking aren’t
you?
 ED
Come on you fucking Aussie!!! Bring it on!

Jon bows and bursts into an attack, narrowly missing Ed.

ED
Jesus H. Christ you’re serious!

JON
No talking.

Ed makes his attack.

ED
Yyyyyawwwwwwwwww!

Jon defends valiantly.

JON
(off synch)
You will have to do better than that.

The intensity of Ed and Jon’s fight elevates. They are sweating and
panting.
ED
This is insanity!

JON
This is my garage!

The two meet into a standstill. Their weapons deadlocked onto each
other. Ed and Jon struggle for dominance. Jon stamps on Ed’s foot
and pushes him back to the wall. Placing the blade of the hockey
stick upon Ed’s throat, Jon forces him into submission.

JON
What say you now you sith?!

Ed spits on Jon’s face.

JON
(wipes away spit)
Gross.

ED
(poses)
 Llama style!

Jon kicks Ed in the testes. Ed falls over and writhes in pain.

JON
(poses)
Go fuck yourself style!

ED
Agh! You bloody bastard!

Ed throws a ball at Jon’s testes. He falls over and also writhes in

pain.

ED
How do you like me balls of fury?!

JON
Very ninja like! But where did you get that
ball from?

ED
How should I know? It’s your garage.

INT. SOMEBODY’S HOUSE – DAY

BACKYARD

SOMEBODY is in their backyard smoking a joint. Somebody is

relaxing on a lawn chair, wearing sunglasses and wistfully looking
up into the sky.

Somebody’s Korean friend KIM is sitting at the picnic table doing a

crossword puzzle in the newspaper.

KIM
(Korean accent)
What is a four letter word for agony?

SOMEBODY
Love.

KIM
Goddamn it I’m serious.
 SOMEBODY
Love. Love is pain, man.

KIM
No it doesn’t fit goddamn it!

SOMEBODY
Screw your conformity. Put it in man!

KIM
Goddamn it! Then the other word becomes
lick!

SOMEBODY
That’s one dirty word puzzle man.
(adjusts sunglasses)

KIM
The word is, pick. Pick goddamn it!

SOMEBODY
Hey what about pain man?

KIM
Yes I’m in lot of pain right now...goddamn it!

SOMEBODY
No the word “pain” dude. It’s another word
for agony.

KIM
(pens word into crossword)
My God; outwitted by a stoner. But that
because I can’t speak English...goddamn it.

SOMEBODY
Man, that’s always your excuse.

KIM
It’s a serious problem, but it’s not my fault.
In North Korea if you speak English they kill
you. So for many years I avoid the English.

SOMEBODY
Is it true they eat dogs up there?
 KIM
No those are the South Koreans.

SOMEBODY
Really?

KIM
Yeah the South Koreans eat the dog. Then
after they eat, they send the bone up North.
Then when U.S. Americans look for weapon
of mass destruction –- bam! -- they say we
eat a dog. Not true man, not true at all.

SOMEBODY
So! Wanna get high?

KIM
No way man. That stuff is bad for you. You
know it got my brother deported back to
North Korea. The cops see him smoking and
they come into the Laundromat and bash
his head in with a pipe. Then they put him
on a stinky, stinky plane. Then when he gets
there they say he eat a dog. But I know they
lying, because he not eat a dog, he eat a
cat; much better for the digestive system.

SOMEBODY
That is fucking gross dude.

KIM
Hey what you do when you have no job?

SOMEBODY
You go to the park. You get high and you get
your dick sucked by a cheap hooker named
Mel -- then when you sober up you discover
Mel was actually short for Melvin.

KIM
(Korean)
Ah dick head (Jot-dae-ga-ri)!
INT. HICK’S HOUSE – DAY

DINING ROOM

A HICK smokes marijuana at the dining table while his grown SON
watches.

HICK
(puff)
The key to getting the right buzz son is to
not inhale too much. That’s a mistake
beginners often make.

SON
Are you ever going back to work?

HICK
Why do I need to work when your mom
owns a successful dollar store?

SON
Well you could at least help out.

HICK
I’m raising my son. I’m teaching him the
facts of life. If that’s not helping out, I don’t
know what is.

SON
I am 21 you know.

HICK
You’re still a kid man... now pick up your
grandfather’s “medicine” and smoke it.

SON
I am not going to do drugs... especially with
my fucking dad.

HICK
Don’t miss out son! These ain’t regular
drugs. These is the proverbial shit.
(puff)
Straight from the deep ancient jungles of
India. Thrice the price but ten times the
power.

SON
Abu-ganja? I am not smoking abu-ganja.

HICK
It’s okay if you don’t do it after midnight. It’s
perfectly safe -- except after midnight.

SON
That’s kind of arbitrary isn’t it?

HICK
In English.
SON
It’s random.

HICK
Of course; those Indians are crazy. I mean
why do you think they always fight with
cowboys, because of the spices?

SON
I mean what exactly does after midnight
mean? Is it 12:01 AM? Is it 2:00 AM? It is
4:00 AM? Is it 8:00 AM? It is 11:03 AM? I
mean who are we trying to kid here?

HICK
I think between twelve and five. At five the
sun usually begins to rise.
(puff)

SON
Is that a fact?

HICK
Don’t believe me? Go ahead son. Look it up
in the fucking dictionary.

SON
Sure whatever you say.

HICK
 (puff)
Don’t gimme that attitude!

Hick grabs Son into a headlock.

SON
(face turning red)
Let go you white trash mother fucker!

HICK
(crying)
I love you son!

INT. JON’S HOUSE – DAY, AFTERNOON

LIVING ROOM

Jon and Ed play cards (21) on the coffee table while having another
inane conversation.

JON
Can I ask you a question?

ED
No I will not suck your dick.

JON
Seriously.

ED
What is it?

JON
Do you enjoy ruining people’s lives?

ED
And what do you mean by that?

JON
You’re a pusher Ed. You’re a fucking pusher.

ED
 I provide a needed product to the market
place. I am not a pusher. I am simply
meeting a demand.

JON
Don’t give me that economic “supply and
demand” bullshit. You’re a pusher. Plain and
simple.

ED
Hit me.

Jon hands Ed a card.

ED
Even so I’m not selling poison to little
children.
JON
It’s still immoral.

ED
Just because something is against the law
does not make it immoral. Are you aware of
what the rule of thumb is?

JON
Right, don’t beat your wife with anything
thicker than your thumb.

ED
Do you think beating your wife –- hit me –- is
immoral?

Jon hands Ed a card.

JON
Unless she’s a suicide bomber, then no, it’s
not alright to beat your wife.

ED
Yes and it used to be legal. Socially fucking
accepted and encouraged. But did that
make it right? Does acceptance by the
masses make something less wrong?

JON
 Okay I get your point smarty trousers.

ED
What I sell is no worse than cigarettes,
booze, candy, and fast food. Except what I
sell doesn’t give you cancer, alcoholism,
rotten teeth, or obesity.

Ed takes another card.

ED
(looks at card)
Motherfucker.

JON
Bust?

ED
No I just said that because of the tourettes.

Jon looks with an unwavering stare.

ED
Yes bust.

Jon collects the cards and reshuffles the deck. A KNOCK at the door.
Jon gets up from his seat.

JON
(points)
Don’t look at me cards.

ED
What do you take me for?

Jon leaves. Ed looks at Jon’s cards. There is a message written on

one of the cards.

CLOSE-UP – JON’S CARD

You Cheating Cunt

MAIN FOYER
Jon answers the door. An odd looking man dressed in GREEN waves
and smiles. There’s a real leprechaun feel to the diminutive
stranger.

GREEN
(Irish accent)
Top of the mornin’ to yah!

JON
Ed! Another one of your fucking customers!

GREEN
I’m not here to buy anything. I’m here to
spread the word of God.

JON
But I already believe in God.

GREEN
Oh not in the way we teach it.

JON
God; the G-O-D, the big invisible man in the
sky, the white bearded fellow, the father of
Jesus, the master of the universe -- the guy
who doesn’t do a lick of work to help his
own goddamn creations. What more do I
need to know?

GREEN
That’s an interesting notion but ultimately a
false one. God is always around us and he is
always helpin’ us.

JON
And the evidence for that is?

Green hands Jon a Superman comic.

JON
What’s this?

GREEN
You wanted evidence. There’s your
evidence.
 JON
A fucking comic book?

GREEN
Many do not realize it but Superman is
divinely inspired.

JON
Is this a joke? Fucking Superman? The SOB
who wears his underoos on the outside?

GREEN
Say not the Lord’s name in vain!
JON
Fuck you. Superman is the worst comic ever.

GREEN
Blasphemy!

Green splashes a vial of holy water onto Jon’s face.

JON
(wipes away water)
What the fuck is your problem?

Green grabs back the comic and wags it at Jon.

GREEN
This is the modern reincarnation of God’s
word! It is not a coincidence it lines up
perfectly with the Bible!

JON
(annoyed)
How -- how is it like the Bible?

GREEN
Think about it carefully. Doomsday is Satan.
Superman is Jesus. Jor-El is God. Lois Lane is
the Virgin Mary. And Jimmy -- Jimmy is Judas.

JON
How is Jimmy, Judas?

GREEN
Okay Lex Luthor is Judas. Jimmy is just a
disciple. But either way I still hate that kife-
eating-ginger.

JON
And what’s your religion called again?

GREEN
Why, The Church of Superman, of course.

JON
Real original.

GREEN
So would yah like to join?

JON
As my black friend Tyrone says, “Hells No!”
(the hand)

GREEN
And why the kife not?!

JON
I hate Superman alright. He’s a total douche
bag. His alter ego shouldn’t be Clark Kent. It
should be -- douche bag.

GREEN
(looks hurt)
Why are you so harsh on the Supes? What
did he ever do to you?

JON
The guy’s a jerk alright. He causes the city
of Metropolis billions of dollars of damage
each and every year. And on top of that he
kills more people than he saves.

GREEN
That’s crazy talk!

JON
 Is it? What the bloody hell do you think is
inside all those buildings he smashes?
People for God’s sake!

GREEN
No they’re empty.

JON
Metropolis is a prime real estate city. Do you
honestly think all those buildings are
empty?
GREEN
Well if he don’t stop the villains who will?

JON
The villains go to the city because of
Superman. They go there because they’re
attracted to the challenge. All Superman
does is fix the problems he causes himself.

GREEN
Okay! So the Superman comic has a few
flaws, but the overall message is quite
positive.

JON
You gotta be kidding me. Superman is the
most sexist comic on the planet earth. It’s
just plain fucking disrespectful to women
everywhere.

GREEN
(upset)
That’s ridiculous!

JON
Oh really? Then why is it that the only
strong female character in the comic is
portrayed like a total fucking dunce? For
Chrissake, Lois Lane’s known Clark Kent and
Superman for years! Yet she can’t put it
together that they’re the same person, even
though they look and sound exactly alike?!
What the fuck is up with that huh?!

Jon slams the door.

 GREEN
He slammed the door on me! Well I’ll show
him! I’ll show him good!

Green RINGS the doorbell and runs away. He giggles like a little
schoolgirl.

INT. JON’S HOUSE – DAY, LATE AFTERNOON

LIVING ROOM

Jon returns to the living room. Ed has fallen asleep.

JON
Ed?

Loud SNORING. Jon leaves the room and returns with a blanket. He
drapes it over Ed and goes upstairs.

JON’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Jon is reading a book.

CLOSE-UP – JON’S BOOK

The Zombie Survival Guide

Jon puts down his book and goes to the washroom for a quick PISS.
When he returns Jon finds Ed lounging on his bed reading The
Zombie Survival Guide.

JON
(annoyed)
Hey!

ED
(Fat Albert)
Hey! Hey! Hey!

JON
What are you doing in here?

ED
I live here?
 JON
I mean what are you doing in my bed?

ED
Oh! I was waiting for you to come out the
loo.

JON
There’s more than one bathroom you know.

ED
I know.

JON
(gestures toward
bathroom)
...Well go on!

ED
I wasn’t waiting to use your cum stained
toilet. I came here to hang out with me best
buddy.

JON
I’m going to sleep.

Jon gets into his bed and pulls on a blanket.

ED
At 9:30?

JON
It’s none of your business but I happen to
have an early day tomorrow.

ED
But it’s the long weekend.

JON
Yes but I don’t want to upset me schedule.

Jon fluffs his pillow.

ED
 You have a schedule for sleeping?

JON
Yes, “The sleeping schedule.” This way I
wake up naturally without an alarm clock.
It’s quite pleasant. But you have to stick to
the regiment, otherwise it won’t work.

ED
...You pussy!

JON
I beg your pardon.

ED
(stands up on bed)
You always have to do everything so rigidly.
You know if you just loosened up once in a
while maybe we could actually have some
fun around here.

JON
Go suck on a lime!
(rolls over)

ED
See this is what I’m talking about. I make a
suggestion and you shoot it down
immediately. This is definitely not conducive
to fun.

Jon throws off his blanket and sits up.

JON
Life is not fun! It’s a fucking giant latrine.
You have to keep kicking your legs to keep
your head out of the shit.

Ed steps off the bed and paces back and forth.

 ED
There’s nothing wrong with life m’bloke. You
just have a negative attitude. If you just
lifted your head a little higher you could see
the silver lining in the bloody clouds.

JON
(folds arms)
Oh fuck the clouds.

ED
Oh come on! Let’s go out ah! Let’s have a
little fun yeah?

JON
Fine! But if we get robbed by a radical
African it’s your fault.

ED
Agreed -- wait, what?

EXT. LOCAL PARK – NIGHT

PLAYGROUND

Ed pushes Jon on the swing set.

ED
Can yah feel the wind in your face?

JON
No, but I can feel the stupidity!

Ed stops pushing.

ED
(claps)
My turn! My turn! My turn!

Jon and Ed switch places.

 ED
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
JON
(pauses)
Please -- no wheeing okay?

ED
(turns)
You sir are a party pooper!

JON
That is a boldfaced lie!

ED
Oh yeah! Prove it! Fucking prove it!

JON
Fine...

Jon pushes Ed off the swing and straight into the sand.

ED
(spitting out sand)
What the fuck was that?!

JON
Partying right? Acting all crazy and “what
not!”

Ed gets up and dusts himself off.

ED
I meant partying like cake and juice. What
the fuck is wrong with you?

JON
Don’t try to make me someone I’m not. I
don’t know how to party. I can’t party. I’m
not a party animal.

ED
 You’re making sound so hard. Partying is
easy. All you have to do is follow the five
magical rules.

JON
Magical?

Ed takes out a sheet of paper and reads from a list.

ED
Magical rule number five, if you’re not fat,
don’t wear a Hawaiian t-shirt. Hawaiian t-
shirts are specifically designed for fatties
They are there to amuse us.

JON
Okay?

ED
Rule number four; always drink to the point
where you have to barf. Throwing up is both
a sign of manliness and the partying skills
you have acquired over the years.

Ed puts on reading glasses.

ED
Rule number three. Always try to get your
shag on. Parties are made for sex. That is
why people drink, to get their dicks wet.

JON
I think that’s pretty obvious.

ED
Rule number two. If necessary, break your
arm to liven up the party -- or seriously
injure yourself. Partying is all about being a
fucktard.

JON
And rule number one is!

Jon taps on the side of swing set like a drum.

 ED
Never forget rule number two.
(gestures two)
Being a fucktard makes you the life of the
party.

JON
Did I not act like a fucktard when I pushed
you off the swing?

ED
No you acted like a twat. A fucktard does
things to himself; not others.

JON
It’s a fine distinction between twat and
fucktard is it?

ED
(points)
Quite right m’bloke.

Ed crumples up the paper and throws it on the ground.

JON
Alrighty then, can we go home now?

ED
There’s one last thing we have to do.

JON
...No.

ED
(nodding yes)
Yes.

JON
(shaking head no)
No.

ED
Yes!

JON
No!
 ED
YEEEEES!

JON
Okay if you put it that way.

ED
Great!

Ed takes out joint and hands it to Jon.

ED
One for you.

Ed takes out another joint and puts it in his mouth.

ED (CONT’D)
And one for me.

JON
I don’t really feel comfortable about this
mate. I mean what if we get caught?

ED
You got legs?

JON
Yeah I got legs.

ED
Do they work?

JON
Last time I checked.

ED
Then no fucking problem.

JON
I won’t get addicted will I?

ED
Do you have an addictive personality?

JON
 Well I once got hooked on cough drops.

ED
But you were sick right?

Jon shakes his head, no.

ED
I think you’ll be fine.

Ed takes out his Zippo. As he is about to light up a strange VOICE is

heard away in the close distance.

VOICE (OS)
(echo)
Yo!

JON
What was that?

Ed and Jon look left and right. Nobody is there. Ed sparks his lighter.

VOICE (OS)
Yo!

ED
(pauses)
Who the fuck...?

VOICE (OS)
Yo!

ED
What the fuck do you want?!

Voice appears from the dark, startling Ed and Jon.

VOICE
Yo.

JON
Who the hell are you and what are you
doing here?

VOICE
 (fast paced)
You guys got drugs? I need drugs!

ED
These are actually for us.

VOICE
Oh really? Really, really, really?

ED
Really.

VOICE
Can I, can I, can I have ‘em?

ED
Nnnnno...

VOICE
Oh please! Please, please, please!

JON
Hey mate you better back off before I knock
out your teeth!

ED
(whispering to Jon)
It’s okay.

VOICE
What’s okay? What’s okay?

ED
Your um -- balls. Your balls are mighty fine.

VOICE
Oh fank you, fank you! Now about the
drugs! You got drugs? I need drugs!

ED
Okay you can have our drugs just don’t hurt
us.

VOICE
 Hurt you?! No, no, no, no, no! I just want
drugs! That’s it! That’s it! I just want some
fucking drugs! Drugs! Drugs! You got drugs!

Ed and Jon hand over their weed to Voice.

VOICE
Oh fank you, fank you, fank you, fank you,
fank you, fank you, fank you, fank you! Here
is fifty bucks!

The Voice hands Ed fifty dollars and runs away.

JON
That is the definition of fucking weird.

ED
I’ve seen weirder.

Ed looks up at the full moon.

ED
Hey uh, do you know what time it is?

Jon looks at his watch.

JON
According to my watch, half an hour ‘till
midnight.

ED
Oh. Good.

JON
And why is that good?

ED
Is you familiar with me wholesaler?

JON
Binnder? That guy who smells like curry?

ED
Yes, him. He instructed me not to smoke
after midnight or lest I face the
consequences.

JON
Of what? Getting thrown in jail?

ED
No something much worse. Something
unimaginable.

JON
Like going to the park and getting your cock
shined by a transvestite named Mel?

ED
No much worse.

JON
I don’t really see what could happen if you
smoke it after midnight. It was just regular
Mary Jane right?

ED
No. Abu-ganja.

JON
Abu-ganja? Isn’t that just a myth?

ED
I dunno. It hasn’t been tested on Myth
Busters yet. But that Binnder really seems
to know his shite.

JON
He’s probably just yankin’ yah chain mate.

ED
And what if he isn’t?

JON
Well if that weirdo smokes our joints he’s
pooched.

ED
 Pooched? No I think he should be okay. Most
people do drugs immediately after they
receive them.

JON
I know but I just remembered my watch is
off by an hour.

ED
What?

JON
I forgot to adjust it for daylight savings.

Voice reappears, drooling and screaming; his face white as snow, his
eyes sharp and glowing.

JON
(smiling, waving)
Oh hello!

Voice runs toward Ed and Jon.

ED
Ah!

Ed grabs Jon and the two dash onto the jungle gym while Voice
chases from behind. They hop down the slide and flee from the park
and onto the streets. The two run as they can.

JON
What the fuck is wrong with this bastard!

Voice chases and snarls from behind.

ED
What can I say? Drugs turn people into
monsters.

EXT. JON’S HOUSE – NIGHT

DRIVEWAY

Ed and Jon huff onto the driveway and lean on the back of the car.

JON
 (panting)
Jesus Christ. That bastard runs like Eddie
Murphy.

ED
(panting)
I need a smoke.

Ed takes out a fresh packet of cigarettes and begins packing them,

banging the bottom of the box with the heel of his palm -- when
suddenly Voice appears. Jon picks up pebbles from the ground and
starts chucking them like grenades.

JON
Fuck off yah Nazi bastard!

Ed puts away his cigarettes and grabs Jon by the arm.

ED
Come on!

The two run into house.

INT. JON’S HOUSE - NIGHT

MAIN FOYER

Ed and Jon enter the house. Jon shuts the door behind him. The two
lean against the wall and breathe heavily.

JON
Was that what I think it was?

ED
A zombie?

JON
What else was it?

ED
I don’t think he’s a zombie.

JON
Well he sure looks like zombie.

ED
 It can’t be. It must be the psychoactive
ingredients. That’s the only logical
explanation.

JON
You’re right, zombies can’t run -- or maybe
it’s because he’s fresh, I heard fresh
zombies can run.

ED
Is he still out there?

JON
Why don’t you take a looksie?

Ed looks through the peephole. Voice’s face appears and startles Ed,
causing him to fall to the floor. Jon helps him up.

JON
Jesus Christ let’s just call the cops.

ED
(sarcastic)
Oh yeah call the cops. That’s a good idea.
Why don’t I just wear a t-shirt that says
“Fucking Drug Dealer”?

JON
(pointing)
If more of these zombie things appear and
start wrecking up the house, I am really
going to be pissed.

ED
You know what this is? Karma. This is what
you get for calling Batman a fag.

Ed looks out the window.

ED
You know what? He don’t look that strong. I
think we can take him.

JON
Move aside.
Jon pushes Ed aside and look through the window. Another zombie
is in the porch.
JON
Oh Jesus Christ!

ED
Another one?

Jon nods his head.

ED
Good God. They’re like Mexicans looking for
bloody work -- determined and persistent!

There is a loud BANG at the back of the house.

JON
(shaking head)
Please don’t tell me that’s another goddamn
zombie.

ED
Probably just a lost bird.

JON
At this time of the night?

ED
Bats. Could be bats.

JON
I think we should check it out.

ED
No. No.

JON
What if they’re out there spawning devious
machinations? And we’re here holding our
balls hoping they’ll go away!

ED
Look here Jon. I’ve watched enough movies
to know that if we go there something shitty
is going to happen. And I will not let shit get
on my face.
 JON
This isn’t the movies Ed. It’s real life. You
can’t get anymore real than this. If it got
anymore real it’d be fucking Tron.

ED
No! I’m not going!

JON
Come on!

ED
No! Fuck you!

JON
Fine yah little pussy I’ll go by myself.

ED
(grabs Jon)
No! Don’t go!

Jon slaps Ed in the face.

JON
Get a hold of yourself mate! I’m just going
for a glance.

Jon goes to the family room (adjacent the backyard).

FAMILY ROOM

Jon peeps through the glass door. Seeing nothing he steps back and
opens the blinds. Outside is a woman eating a man. Ed yelps from
the other side of the room.

ED
Holy fucking shit!

Jon closes the blinds.

JON
Fuck this I’m calling the cops.

Jon picks up the phone and dials 911.

JON
 Hello 911? Get me...hello?

Jon removes the receiver from his ear. All he can hear is MOANING
and SCREAMING.

JON
Oh Jesus Christ.

ED
Are the police coming?

JON
(pissed)
Are the police coming? Are the police
coming?! ARE THE FUCKING POLICE
COMING?!

ED
Well?

JON
(calm)
No they’re not coming.

ED
Then we’re gonna need a plan of defence.

JON
It doesn’t involve Al Gore does it? An awful
lot of your plans involve Al Gore.

ED
Not anymore!

BASEMENT

CLOSE-UP – PICTURE OF ZOMBIE

Ed is holding up a picture of a zombie, giving a presentation to Jon,

whom is sitting on the couch and eating snacks (popcorn).

ED
(points to picture)
This is a zombie; a brain eating, mucky, un-
dead monster. What is its main weakness?

JON
Holy water?

ED
That’s a vampire.

JON
(eating)
Uh, silver bullets?

ED
That is a werewolf.

JON
Pollution?

ED
That is Captain Planet!

JON
Oh uh -- crucifix?

ED
No! God don’t you even watch horror
movies?!

JON
I don’t like to be scared. I’m more of a
comedy person. Have you ever seen that
movie, The Nutty Professor?

ED
(sighs)
Who was in it?

JON
I forgot his name. He um knocked up that
singer, Melanie B.

ED
Oh that chick from, The Spice Girls?
JON
Yeah that’s it.
 ED
Oh him. No I never saw that movie;
although I did watch, Pluto Nash.

JON
Did you like it?

ED
Did I like it? It was like Beverly Hills Cop
meets Star Wars! It was total ecstasy! Best
fucking dick flick I have ever seen!

JON
You gotta be kidding me.

ED
Oh! You just figured that out now?

JON
Ah stop being jerk...anyway everyone knows
the best dick flick out there is Indiana Jones.
It has action...it has airplanes...it has
guns...it has racial stereotypes. Everything a
man could want in a film!

ED
Indiana Jones is not a dick flick. It‘s a movie
about being gay.

JON
Is not!

ED
Did you even see, The Temple of Doom?
What kind of man could resist fucking Kate
Capshaw? Even Spielberg couldn’t keep his
Johnson in his shorts okay.

JON
That doesn’t mean Indiana Jones is gay.

ED
Trust me when I say this, he is totally
fucking gay. Why do you think he always
 hung around that little Vietnamese kid? He
was fucking him!

JON
That’s sick! That’s fucking sick!

ED
No you know what’s sick? The U.S.
Healthcare system. There are nearly 50
million uninsured Americans. Now if you ask
me that is sick. A true travesty. The richest
country in the world and they can’t provide
health insurance for their citizens?

Jon rubs his forehead with agitation.

JON
(to self)
Why do I keep attending these
presentations?

ED
Now what were we talking about again?

JON
Zombies! How do you kill zombies!

ED
Right!

Ed points to the head on the picture of the zombie.

ED
The head. You have to damage the head.
Either bonk ‘em in the brains hard enough
or decapitate them. That is the only way
you can properly stop a zombie.

JON
What about fire?

ED
What is it with you and fire?

JON
 I like fire.

ED
Fire is slow. Fire is messy. Fire is dangerous.
We will not be killing with fire.

JON
Not even one?

ED
Not even half. Not even half a midget. Not
even half of a half of a midget.

JON
What would that be like a quarter?

ED
‘Bout a quarter.

JON
Interesting.

LIVING ROOM

Ed and Jon are on the sofa watching TV.

JON
Fighting zombies...pffft!

ED
Yeah zombies are stupid! What were we
worried about anyway?

JON
Hey did you lock all the windows?

Ed gives a blank stare.

JON
Did you lock all the windows?

ED
(lying)
Of course I did. What do you take me for? A
retard? Em...Excuse me, I need to visit the
loo.
Ed gets up from the sofa and leaves the room.

ED (OS)
Agh!

Ed falls back onto the floor in front of the living room. Jon whips his
head to the right and looks on as Ed wrestles with a zombie.

ED
Don’t eat me bro!

Jon yawns and casually gets up from the sofa. He grabs a stick from
underneath the couch and smacks the zombie on the back of the
head, instantly killing it. Ed rolls it off and gets to his feet.

JON
You alright mate?

ED
(pissed)
God! Could you have cut any closer?!

JON
Probably.

ED
Ugh!

JON
(points to zombie)
Now what are we gonna do about this body?

ED
I say we eat ‘im. Eat the fucking evidence!

JON
I’d rather eat my own head.
ED
(gestures a pinch)
Aren’t you just a little curious how human
tastes?

JON
Tastes like chicken. End of story.
 ED
Oh come on!

JON
Christ! What is wrong with you? This person
just died and you’re -- hey isn’t this our
neighbour?

Ed turns the zombie’s head to the side and looks.

ED
Oh my God you killed Pete!

JON
You mean Popsicle Pete.

BASEMENT

Trunk shot. Ed and Jon look inside the deep chest freezer.

ED
Oh! Now I get it!
(slaps self on
forehead)
Popsicle Pete! Ha! That is too jokes.

JON
Yeah right...so you think he’ll come back to
life?

ED
Have you ever seen zombies in Iceland?

Ed closes the freezer. Jon puts a weight on top.

JON
Not yet.

Ed’s CELL-PHONE RINGS. He answers the call and picks it up.

ED
(on phone)
Hello?

Ed paces back and forth.

 ED (CONT’D)
What do you mean your house is
surrounded by strange looking men? Are
you cheating on me with blackies?! If you
are you better tell me right now bitch!

Ed sits down.

ED (CONT’D)
Alright! I’ll be there in half an hour. Yeah.
Bye.

Ed hangs up the phone. He looks at Jon for approval.

JON
I am not risking my life for a fucking broad.

ED
If we don’t get there she’s gonna die!

JON
So what! Get a new girlfriend! It’s not like
there’s a pussy shortage!

ED
How could you be so heartless?

JON
Remember who got us into this mess in the
first place.

Feet can be seen shuffling outside the basement window.

ED
Fine I’ll go alone.

Ed heads upstairs.

JON
God speed!

MAIN FOYER
Ed runs into the house and shuts the door behind. He sprawls back
and wheezes hysterically. Jon takes a sip of water from his glass and
smiles across the hallway.

JON
Trouble?

ED
Everywhere! They’re everywhere! All over
the bloody fucking driveway!

JON
Damn those anti-Semitic zombies.

ED
How the hell can zombies be anti-Semitic?
And furthermore I’m not even Jewish. I’m
atheist.

JON
Oh so that’s your religion.

Ed rolls his eyes.

ED
Atheism is not a religion.

JON
Yes it is.

ED
No it’s not.

JON
Yes it is.

ED
No it’s not!

JON
Let me tell you something! Your belief is not
to believe. That in itself is a belief. You got a
strong belief like that, you got a mass of
people who believe in the same thing; you
got a religion mate.
 ED
That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Next you’re gonna be tellin’ me Mary
Shelley’s Frankenstein isn’t Jewish.

JON
He’s not Jewish.

ED
Are we talking about the same monster
here?

JON
Big green fella with a flathead and bolts in
his neck?

ED
Yes him.

JON
Okay explain to me. How is he Jewish?

ED
His name is Frankenstein. Stein! That is a
Jewish suffix. Goldstein, Weinstein,
Greenstein, Frankenstein -- all Jewish.

JON
So Frankenstein is a Jewish monster?

ED
Frankenstein was never a monster. He was
treated like a monster because of his
religion. You see Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein
isn’t about an angry green Ogre; it’s about
anti-Semitism and its insanity.

JON
But didn’t he kill a little girl?

ED
 It wasn’t him. It was his arms.
(Ed pats his arm)
His arms were from a Jew hating Christian.
Quite a clever conspiracy if you ask me.

JON
Wait a minute -- wasn’t the name of the
scientist Frankenstein and not the monster.

The LIGHTS suddenly go out. Ed screams like a little girl.

JON
Bravery is not your forte is it?

ED
(whispering)
Don’t tell anyone but I’m a bit afraid of the
dark.

JON
I’m gonna go get a flashlight.

Jon leaves for the dining room.

ED
Don’t leave!

Ed quivers and cowers on the floor. A beam of light cuts through the
dark; Jon returns to the main foyer with a pair of flashlights (one a
Maglite).

JON
Time to go replace that fuse.

Jon tosses Ed a flashlight.

LAUNDRY ROOM

Ed and Jon shine their flashlights into the Laundry room and
cautiously check for zombies.

JON
I think it’s safe.
Ed and Jon walk over to fuse box. Jon opens the fuse box. He
inspects the fuses.

JON
I’m not really sure which one blew out.

A zombie appears in the background. Ed catches the monster in the

corner of his eye and spins around with his flashlight. He fervently
taps Jon on the shoulder.

JON
Not now. I’m trying to figure this out.

The zombie lurches forward.

ED
(stammering trying
to say zombie)
Z-z-z—z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z—z-z-z-z!

JON
Not to be rude but that’s a really bad
impression of a bee.

Jon successfully switches the fuse. The lights turn on. He puts down
his flashlight on top of the drier. Ed ducks down as the zombie
lunges forward. Jon spins around and comes face to face with the
snarling blood dripping zombie.

Jon defends himself and pushes back the zombie’s head with his
palm. He crawls back his fingers to the flashlight and uses it to bash
in the zombie’s head. The zombie reels backward. Jon attacks with
great ferocity until it is dead.

Ed stops cowering and stands up when everything appears to be

safe. Jon breathes heavily; holding limply the flashlight by his side.

JON
(breathing heavily)
That’s it! I’ve had enough of this B.S.

Jon turns around and switches off the flashlight.

JON
It’s time to get crazy.
FURNACE ROOM

A red toolbox opens and reveals a pair of guns -- two classical style
silver western six shooters. Kneeling down Ed curiously reaches out
to touch them. Jon slaps away his hand.

ED
Ow!

JON
Never touch an Aussie’s guns.

ED
Fuck you blow job. I’m in this as much as
you are.

JON
But they’re still my guns.

Jon lowers his hand and softly strokes his guns (not a euphemism
for penis).

JON (CONT’D)
My precious, precious guns.

ED
You know that’s not your penis right?

JON
Shut up! Just shut up for once in your life
and appreciate the beauty.

Ed has nothing to say, no quip; no comeback.

JON
Pick it up.

Ed hesitates.

JON
Pick up the gun.

Ed picks up one of the guns and holds it cautiously.

 JON
Feel it.

Ed touches the gun with his other hand. He caresses the tip like a
nipple.

JON
A gun is not just a gun. A gun is a symbol. A
gun represents power. A gun is life and
death.

Jon picks up the other gun and points it at the wall.

JON (CONT’D)
The decision to the pull the trigger, to
decide in that split second that you are
worth more than what is standing on the
other side of your gun, is what life is all
about.

Jon points the gun upward.

JON
Decisions, decisions. That’s what we’re
always doing. That’s what makes us human.
We’re not like the animals. We don’t do
things on instinct.

Jon twirls the gun.

JON (CONT’D)
We have a choice. We have options; to
shoot -- or to die.

Ed puts down his gun and picks up a hammer from the toolbox.

ED
(points)
This hammer is not just a hammer. It is a
symbol of humanity’s enslavement. We are
the nails that hold together the boards of
society.

Ed makes a banging motion with the hammer.

ED (CONT’D)
 And the hammers which bang on our heads
and put us into our place, deep down into
the wood, are the big businesses and the
government. Bang, bang, Maxwell’s silver
fucking hammer.

JON
That’s not very profound.

ED
Neither is what you said for fuck-sake!

Ed picks up the gun in the toolbox and waves it around.

ED (CONT’D)
This is a bloody gun. You point it at what you
want to go away and you pull the bloody
trigger. That’s it. No more, no less. It is
simply a tool designed for killing.

JON
Or robbery.

ED
Yes, or robbery...but that’s it! It’s not a
fucking symbol of anything. It’s not a flag;
it’s a fucking boom-stick.

JON
Then let’s boom us some zombies!

Jon pulls the hammer of his gun.

ED
And rob them afterward!

JON
And purchase fish and chips!

ED
They don’t have fish and chip shops around
here.

JON
 Fine then we’ll go to McDonald’s and get a
Filet-O-Fish with fucking fries.

Ed and Jon stand up.

ED
Let’s do this!

They exit the furnace room.

MAIN FOYER

Ed and Jon ready themselves to run out the front door.

JON
On the count of three.

Ed wipes his forehead of sweat.

JON
(gesturing numbers)
One. Two. Three!

Ed and Jon burst out the door.

EXT. JON’S HOUSE – NIGHT

WALKWAY

Ed and Jon rush down the walkway and lope onto the driveway. They
blast their guns like there’s no tomorrow.

ED (OS)
Die you zombie bastards!

Off camera. SCREAMING, MOANING; SHOOTING. Then suddenly,

DEAD SILENCE.

JON (OS)
Fuck!!!

Ed and Jon reappear on the walkway. Blood is streaming down Jon’s

neck as Ed carries him forward.

JON
(in extreme pain)
 Fucking cunt sniffin’ zombies!

ED
Don’t talk. Save your energy.
(grunts as he lifts
Jon up the step)

JON
This is your fault!

ED
Shhh! You’re becoming delirious from the
blood loss!

Ed takes Jon into the house.

INT. JON’S HOUSE - DAY

LIVING ROOM

Jon convulses on the couch while Ed applies paper towels to his

wounded neck.

JON
(weeping)
I never even went to Disney World! That
was one of my life goals.

ED
Trust me it’s overrated.

JON
Fuck you! I wanted to see Mickey Mouse!

ED
Jon...

JON
I’m gonna turn into one of those fucking
things aren’t?!

ED
Stop being an asshole, you’re gonna be fine.
Fine! Just fucking fine!
 JON
Tell me mum and pop back in Brisbane that I
love ‘em. And tell me sister Janine that she’s
a salty cunt -- but I love her. Argh!

Jon passes out.

ED
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OO!

EXT. JON’S HOUSE – NIGHT, RAINING

BACKYARD

A blue tarp covers Jon’s dead body. By the head of his corpse is a
makeshift cross, created from what appears to be twigs. Ed stands
at the feet of his dearly departed friend and mournfully reads a
passage from his brown leather Bible.

ED
Even when walking through the valley of
death I will not be afraid, for you are close
beside me, guarding, guiding all the way.

A zombie finds its way to the backyard. Ed hears a MOANING and

turns around to look.

ED
I am trying to have a moment with my dead
friend! So if you wouldn’t mind...

The zombie GROWLS.

ED
You bastard!

Ed chucks his bible at the zombie’s head.

ED
Take that you wanker!
The zombie lurches forward.

ZOMBIE
Brains...

ED
You want brains? You want brains?!

Ed bends over and moons the zombie.

ED (CONT’D)
How about these for bloody brains?!

The zombie continues forward.

ED
That’s it! It’s time to float like a butterfly
and sting like hot tea!

Ed puts up his guard and jumps into a boxing stance. He bounces

around the zombie like Muhammad Ali. BOOM! BOOM! BAM! BAM!
Ed launches a furious attack of fists. The zombie don’t [sic] know
what hit him.
It passes out and drops to the ground. Ed puts his foot on the
zombie’s chest and raises his arms in triumph.

ED
And the crowd goes wild! Eddie English has
done it! He has defeated the great big
fucking zombie!

The blue tarp in the background arises. Jon returns from the grave
as a zombie. He staggers toward Ed, whom like a fool dances away,
blissfully unaware of the danger behind.

ED
(doing the robot)
Shake, shake, shake, shake! Shake, shake,
shake! Shake your...

ZOMBIE JON
Brains!

ED
No that’s not how it...
(turns around)
 Jon! You’re alive -- as a zombie.

ZOMBIE JON
Brains!

ED
Don’t make me do it ol’ buddy. I can’t do it.

ZOMBIE JON
Brains! Use your brains to help me!

ED
What?

ZOMBIE JON
Brains!

Ed picks up a rake from the ground and whacks ZOMBIE JON in the
face, knocking him out. Ed tosses the rake aside and scurries back
into the house.

INT. ZOMBIE JON’S HOUSE – DAY, EARLY MORNING

FAMILY ROOM

The sky outside has turned dark blue. The sun is beginning to rise.
Ed is curled into a ball on the floor. The PHONE RINGS. He slowly
looks up.

KITCHEN

Ed answers the phone.

ED
Hellooooo?

EXT. LOCAL PARK – DAY, EARLY MORNING

Drug Dealer paces back and forth on his cell-phone.

DRUG DEALER
Do you know what happened to me today? I
was attacked by fucking zany zombies!
What the hell is wrong you? Do you not
 know how to follow instructions? I told you
no smoking after midnight!

INT. JON’S HOUSE, KITCHEN – DAY, EARLY MORNING

ED
(on phone)
Enough with your B.S. lectures! Just tell me
how to stop it!

EXT. LOCAL PARK – DAY, EARLY MORNING

DRUG DEALER
(on cell-phone)
Just wait! All you have to do is wait. The
effect is only temporary for 24 hours.
(listening)
YOU WHAT?!

INT. JON’S HOUSE, KITCHEN – DAY, EARLY MORNING

ED
(on phone)
I know! I know! I fucking know!

EXT. LOCAL PARK – DAY, EARLY MORNING

DRUG DEALER
(on cell-phone)
Oh you are really an idiot!

INT. JON’S HOUSE, KITCHEN – DAY, EARLY MORNING

ED
(on phone)
Screw you Paki!

Ed hangs up the phone.

EXT. LOCAL PARK – DAY, EARLY MORNING

Drug Dealer screams into his phone.

 DRUG DEALER
I’m from India asshole!

INT. JON’S HOUSE – DAY, EARLY MORNING

ED’S BEDROOM

Ed lies in bed staring at the ceiling.

ED
(muttering)
It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. It’s not
my fault.

JON (OS)
Eddie.

Ed sits up. GHOST JON brushes back his hair.

ED
Jon! You’re alive!

GHOST JON
(lethargic sounding)
No I’m still dead.

ED
Are you a g-g-g-g-ghost?

GHOST JON
Don’t worry. I’m a friendly ghost. Like uh
Beetle Juice.

ED
This isn’t like that movie The Sixth Man is it?
You ain’t gonna help me out with my
baseketball skills are you?

GHOST JON
I died. I didn’t become a Negro.

ED
You don’t have to be black to be good at
sports! There are a lot of talented non-
blacks in sports. In fact there are many
sports that blacks don’t participate in.

GHOST JON
Like?

ED
NASCAR.

GHOST JON
NASCAR’s not a sport.

ED
What are you talking about? Of course it is.

GHOST JON
Driving around in a car is not a sport.
Driving is what you do to get to work so
your boss can stick his little dick up your
ass.

ED
What if it’s a woman?

GHOST JON
Or smother you with her vaginal lips.
Whatever.

ED
...So what exactly are you here for?

GHOST JON
Not much really; just kind of bored.

ED
Are you sure you’re not just a pigment of my
imagination?

GHOST JON
I think you mean figment, not pigment.

ED
Then what’s pigment?

GHOST JON
 (smiles)
It’s something Michael Jackson don’t have
much of.

ED
Oh. Is that why he’s so attracted to
children?

GHOST JON
No that’s something else.

ED
So...uh what’s heaven like?

GHOST JON
I don’t know I didn’t make the cut.

ED
Oh jeez I’m sorry.

GHOST JON
It’s okay I’m coming back as a butterfly.

ED
And what will you do as a butterfly?

GHOST JON
I don’t know -- steal jars of honey from
yellow bears?

ED
You’ve always had it in for that yellow bear
haven’t you?

GHOST JON
Bears are brown or black. They are not
yellow. Do you know how fucking difficult it
would be for a yellow bear to hunt?

ED
But he don’t hunt, he eat hunny and berries.

GHOST JON
So now he’s a vegetarian?
 ED
Well if he wasn’t he would’ve ate that
fucking pig for breakfast that’s for sure.

GHOST JON
Naw -- even if he was a carnivore he
wouldn’t eat his fuck buddy.

ED
He would if there was a food shortage.

GHOST JON
Probably -- Hey so did you watch the news
lately?

ED
No why?
GHOST JON
There’s a debacle going on in America.
Apparently they’re trying to re-outlaw
abortions.

ED
(sarcastic)
That’s sounds like a good idea. Children
being raised by people who weren’t smart
enough to prevent them in the first place.

GHOST JON
It’s not much of a cumocracy is it?

ED
I don’t really know what cumocracy means.
But yes. It’s not much of a cumocracy.

GHOST JON
...Well I have to go now.

GHOST JON turns to leave.

ED
Wait! Will I ever see you again?

JON
(pause)
 I dunno. Depends how bad the commute is.

Ghost Jon disappears into the hallway. Ed springs from his bed to
look outside. Nobody is there.

EXT. JON’S HOUSE – DAY, MORNING COME

ROOFTOP

Ed smokes a cigarette while he watches the sun slowly rise; the sky
turning from a light blue to a fiery orange. Zombies lurch below,
moaning and groaning.
Ed takes a long drag of his cigarette and flicks the butt off the roof.

INT. JON’S HOUSE – DAY, MORNING

UPSTAIRS WASHROOM

Ed brushes his teeth.

ED (VO)
Today is a new day. I can finally start over
again. The zombies are gone and I’ve
hidden the bodies of the ones I’ve killed. Not
only that, I also get regular visits from Jon’s
ghost. It’s almost like he never left at all. I
can’t honestly say that I’m happy...

Ed spits into the sink and gargles with water.

ED (VO)
But I’m not sad. The ordeal is over. I will no
longer be haunted by the demons of the
past. I can finally move forward and begin a
new life.

Ed washes his face.

ED (VO)
Maybe I can get a job at Starbucks. I hear
they treat their employees very well. It’s not
much, but it’s a start. Plus they have darn
good coffee. It’s almost as good as Tim
Hortons.
Ed grabs a towel and pats his face dry.

LIVING ROOM

Ed watches the news on TV and eats a bowl of cereal.

ED (VO)
New life tip number one. Breakfast is the
most important meal of the day.

KITCHEN

Ed reads the newspaper at the kitchen table.

ED (VO)
New life tip number two. Keeping up to date
is important. After all we are living in the
information age.

MAIN FLOOR WASHROOM – DAY, MORNING

Ed sits on the toilet reading a magazine.

ED (VO)
New life tip number three. Cleaning out the
system is important. Carrying too much
brown baggage in your system is extremely
exhausting.

KNOCK at the door. Ed finishes up and goes to answer it.

MAIN FOYER

As Ed approaches the door his inner monologue continues.

ED (VO)
New life tip number four. Answering the
door in a timely fashion is important. You
never know what you’ll get when
opportunity truly knocks.

Ed opens the door. A man in a WHITE lab COAT smiles; he looks very
much like Binnder.
 WHITE COAT
Hello Mister English.
(eating chocolate bar)

ED
Are you selling chocolates? Because I really
don’t want chocolates.

WHITE COAT
No I’m here to pick you up.

ED
For what?
WHITE COAT
To take you back to the hospital.

ED
Why? There’s nothing wrong with me.

WHITE COAT
It’s a psychiatric hospital.

ED
You want to take me to a nuthouse.

WHITE COAT
It’s not a nuthouse.

ED
Either way...

WHITE COAT
Look Mister English. You have a serious
problem and you need help.

ED
(annoyed)
I don’t need help.

WHITE COAT
Your friend Jonny is not here anymore. You
can’t continue to live in his house. You need
to give up these fantasies.
 ED
How do you know about Jon?

WHITE COAT
He died five years ago in a car accident. You
had a nervous breakdown and we took you.

ED
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

White Coat gently pulls Ed outside and closes the door.

EXT. JON’S HOUSE - DAY

PORCH AREA

WHITE COAT
Please. You have trust me. This is for your
own good.

ED
Who are you?

WHITE COAT
You know who I am.

ED
No I don’t.

WHITE COAT
Think carefully.

ED
Binnder?

WHITE COAT
You know I don’t like that nickname.

ED
You are Binnder aren’t you?

WHITE COAT
Fine if that’s what you wanna call me.

ED
I am insane aren’t I?
 WHITE COAT
No you’re not insane. You just have
problems...delusions.

ED
Then that whole zombie thing never
happened did it?

WHITE COAT
Probably not.

ED
Okay you win. I’ll come along peacefully.

WHITE COAT
It’s not about winning.

ED
(whispers)
It’s about contrast.

WHITE COAT
Huh?

White Coat takes Ed by the arm and they leave the porch together.

DRIVEWAY

Ed and White Coat walk down the driveway. Ed pauses and turns
around, staring at the garage; completely transfixed.

WHITE COAT
What’re you doing?

ED
I may have problems, but I know I’m not
insane.

WHITE COAT
Careful now, thinking outside the box could
hurt.

ED
Screw you.
Ed tries to run. White Coat grabs him into a bear hug.

ED
(struggling)
Let go!

WHITE COAT
Face the facts! You’re mad! You’re
completely and utterly mad!

ED
Fuck you!

Ed reaches into his pocket and pulls out a garage door remote. He
presses the big blue button and the garage door lifts up. White Coat
loosens his grip in complete shock and fear. There are dozens of
dead bodies lying all over inside the garage.

WHITE COAT
Holy Jesus.

ED
(points)
I’m not insane! See! There they are! The
zombies! The fucking zombies!

WHITE COAT
Augh! You’re a fucking loonie-tic!

Ed grabs White Coat by the collar.

ED
(hysterical)
I am not a loonie-tic! I was right! I was
fucking right!

WHITE COAT
Let go of me!

ED
First join the party!

Ed gives White Coat a swift head butt to the face, knocking him out
cold. He takes his body and drags it into the garage. The garage
door closes. Total darkness. Ed’s maniacal laughter can be heard,
echoing throughout.
INT. JON’S HOUSE – DAY

ED’S BEDROOM

Ed thrashes around in bed. He is awoken by a gentle shaking, from

Jon.

JON
You alright mate?
ED
(confused)
Wha’?

JON
Are you alright mate?

Ed sits up and squeezes Jon’s arm.

ED
You’re solid!

JON
Yes. I am quite solid. Quite solid indeed --
what the hell are you talking about?

ED
I...I thought you were dead.

JON
Oh is this about when you attacked me with
that rake?

ED
I thought you were a zombie.

JON
Zombie? Is that what you thought when you
were high?

ED
I guess I was trippin’ balls huh?

JON
Horrendously. You even broke my Nintendo
Wii.
 ED
So none of this -- that really happened?

JON
Yes. You’re gonna hafta buy me a new
Nintendo Wii.

ED
(rubs eyes)
Oh lord I’ve got problems.

JON
Yes and there’s also the matter of the
Nintendo Wii, if you would just...

ED
(interrupts)
I gotta clean up my life. I can’t live like this
Jon.

JON
(sighs)
Yes you’ve got a serious problem.

ED
I think I’m gonna quit.

Ed stands up and folds his arms.

JON
And you are going to stop peddling drugs
right?

ED
I’m really a pusher?

JON
Yeah that’s how you got hooked in the first
place. You became your best customer!

ED
Well no more of that. I’m quitting all of it.

JON
 Why?

ED
What do you mean “why?”

JON
It was good money.

ED
M’bloke. I’m trying to go straight here
alright. Be a little more supportive would
yah?

JON
(rolls eyes)
Fine.

ED
Could yah help me look for a job?

JON
How about something in insurance?

ED
Why insurance?

JON
It’s good money.

ED
What’s with you and your obsession about
money?

JON
I’m what they call a “consumer whore.”

Ed puts his arm around Jon.

ED
Let’s go have breakfast.

JON
Tim Hortons?
 ED
My treat.

Ed and Jon head out of the room, their conversation fading as they
leisurely walk forward.

JON
Can I have two large cups of coffee?

ED
That’s a lot. I think you’re developing an
addiction.

JON
This coming from Tommy Chong Jr.

ED
And what’s wrong with Tommy Chong?

JON
Never mind Ed, never mind.

FADE OUT:

THE END