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Miles - Draft 1

Miles - Draft 1

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Published by Cordellia Rose
This is an assignment for my Gothic Lit class. I've had Maladaptive Daydreaming and Insomnia for all my life. One of mine, and a lot of daydreamers' fears is not being able to tell the difference between our daydream worlds and reality. So far, I've never heard of this happening, but I wanted to explore this fear. Also, my experiences with Insomnia and in-between states has taught me that a "mixed reality" is quite possible after enough sleepless nights. This is largely biographical. It's a big IF.......IF my problems got just a bit worse, this mental state my character is in would be entirely possible. The character Kevin is taken directly from my fantasy world, which is hard for me to do. The anecdote she tells is directly from one of my story lines, as is the Ed character. The story about the naked woman is true. That actually happened to me. The sensitivity and abuse details are all true. Miles is completely made up, and so is the room. Thanks.
This is an assignment for my Gothic Lit class. I've had Maladaptive Daydreaming and Insomnia for all my life. One of mine, and a lot of daydreamers' fears is not being able to tell the difference between our daydream worlds and reality. So far, I've never heard of this happening, but I wanted to explore this fear. Also, my experiences with Insomnia and in-between states has taught me that a "mixed reality" is quite possible after enough sleepless nights. This is largely biographical. It's a big IF.......IF my problems got just a bit worse, this mental state my character is in would be entirely possible. The character Kevin is taken directly from my fantasy world, which is hard for me to do. The anecdote she tells is directly from one of my story lines, as is the Ed character. The story about the naked woman is true. That actually happened to me. The sensitivity and abuse details are all true. Miles is completely made up, and so is the room. Thanks.

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Published by: Cordellia Rose on Feb 05, 2011
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02/05/2011

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MilesI have to kill one of them off. Theyre getting to be too many. Damn it. I hate it when I have todo that. So, who am I going to kill off this time? How is it going to happen? Is it going to begruesome? The last time something truly gruesome happened was when Kevin died. That was a badsituation. Im not sure she can handle another serial killer or violent attack like that. After awhile, itstops being realistic. How could a person be at the center of so much tragedy? She already blamesherself. Sure, shes the victim.but shes
always
the victim. Shes also the only commondenominator in all this destruction.Oh, hi. Come in. Its ok. I was just talking to myself. It happens. You must be Miles, right?Come! Come! Dont look so shy. Im not going to hurt you. Into the den of the crazy person. Are youscared? Dont smirk. Are you scared? You should be scared. Id be scared, talking to me. Im prettyfamous, you know. Ok, maybe
you
dont know, being one of the people who lives in, She gestures,making quotes with her fingers, reality.Wait..dont
you
know? he says, looking at her a bit puzzled.Well..umnoI mean I guess a few people read my blog, but its not like Imreally
 famous
. She says, giving him a quizzical look.Oh..wellyou are, just so you know. Thank you for agreeing to speak to me. Peopleare very curious about you.Well..Im sure people have a lot of opinions..I cant say I want to know everything, butIm an open book. Maybe if I just keep blogging and talking eventually people will learn and gain someperspective before I actually have to listen to any of them speak anymore. Ha! ha!
 
Right. Thats actually not a bad idea. So, shall we start? I must say you seem remarkablylucid.She shoots him a puzzled, hurt look, like hes just said something insulting and stupid. Thankyou. Do you even know what that means?What? Lucid? He looks genuinely confused.Yes. Lucid. Do you know what it means? She asks earnestly, like shes really expecting himnot to know and is prepared to tell him.Yes.do you?Yes. Good. I was just checking because if youre foolish and pretentious enough to thinkyoure qualified to tell my state of mind, then I wonder what else you dont know. Is there anythingelse we need to establish?WhatI.um.. Hes completely lost for words. Ididnt. I guessShe leans back, crosses her legs, and then puts her arms on the arm rests, in a regal pose for amoment. Then she gestures for him to get on with it, quickly.Ok.so..whats it been like? He looks up at her and then back down, fidgets inhis chair, and then looks back up. Hes puzzled and uncomfortable, unsure where to begin.Whats it like? Whats it not like? Ive been like this since I was a baby, at least I assume. Itsmy normal state. Theres so much to say. I mean it couldve started with abuse. Lots of times itstarts with abuse, but frankly I remember doing it long before I remember the abuse. You know theyused to beat me, right? Well, I always grew up afraid, and I always grew up daydreaming. When I was
 
daydreaming, I wasnt afraid, at least not usually. There were bad things, too, at night. It wasntalways good.I thought this daydreaming condition was always supposed to be a relief. Why was it bad?I dont know that it is always supposed to be a relief. I think its an act of creativity. My brainwas always running wild, and I couldnt stop it. Outside, there was nothing but negativity anddiscomfort. There were sounds, horrible sounds, itchy clothing, ugly furniture, dark rooms, bright sun,people who ate like they were in a barnyard. Then there was the abuse, the screaming, yelling, hitting,hair-pulling, kicking..what they called discipline.She scoffs.What about at night? Tell me about the horrors.Right well, you know I have sensitivity to light as well as everything else. I hate bright sunlight,and I hate the dark. Ive always been completely terrified of the dark. Every shadow contained amurderer. Naturally, the combination of my sensitivities, which might have been caused bydisconnection due to my daydreaming, and the fact that I couldnt stop daydreaming all the time, dayand night, every minute.well unfortunately they merged. Except this time, I was sure it was real.During the day, I knew I was daydreaming. I mean Im sure all children do this. They
he
ar 
things. Imnot talking about the hallucinations yet. I mean every little bump and moan, rustle, click, tap, everylittle sound that can drive you mad in a night. I was certain, really certain, that someone was about tobreak in and do terrible things to me every night, as far back as I can remember. I used to hide underthe covers shaking violently and crying. This went on for how long?

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