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It was the craziest threesome Mary had ever been a part of. She’d been fantasizing
about taking part in one ever she turned down an offer from her roommates in college.
OK, threesomes weren’t on her One Hundred Things to Do Before You Die list, but
Mary figured if the opportunity presented itself again, she could definitely swap running
The event itself happened on a Friday morning, after many martinis and a few errant
olives. Like most threesomes, this one was spontaneous and not at all what Mary
expected. The seeds, though, had been planted at a family dinner about six months
earlier. They’d just cleared the dinner plates and were waiting for dessert when Mary’s
father, Mr. McMorrow, said “I’ll be going down on Mrs. McMorrow soon.”
When he heard this, Joseph, Mary’s elder brother and only sibling, spit his mouthful
of thirty-two dollar South African shiraz across the Belvedere Ivory table linen. At the
same moment Mrs. McMorrow walked in carrying the cherry pie they’d been smelling all
afternoon.
She paused in the doorway and gushed, “Oh honey,” as her face flushed pink.
Mr. McMorrow narrowed his eyes and set his mouth into a mean line. “I’ll only be
going down on the first Mrs. McMorrow. There will be no room for the second one.”
The pink hue on June McMorrow’s cheeks turned purple. She slipped the cherry pie
into the palm of her left hand and said, “We’ll see about that,” punctuating her words by
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An hour later, as Mary wiped cherry backspatter off the dining room wall, she asked
Mary knew why her father chose June because she’d had a hand in it. Although, it
took two marriages, some lesbian experimentation, and five years of therapy to discover
this. Fresh off a recent breakthrough, Mary had hoped to start making amends over a
“It was 1972,” said June. “I’ve never been a modern woman.” Modern enough to go
to key parties, thought Mary. “And I was a widow without the means to support myself.”
June had told everyone her husband had died while they were on a trip to Ohio where
they both grew up. June said she had decided to go ahead and bury him next to his
parents before returning home to San Francisco. Everyone believed her until six months
later, the divorce papers arrived, certified mail, at the doctor’s office where June worked
as a receptionist. By the following day, the word had spread that June’s husband was
June greeted her divorce papers like a liberator. She immediately started wearing
perfume to mass and had taken to sitting in the pew at church directly behind Mr.
McMorrow.
Several hours, a bottle of stain remover, and four Bombay and tonics later, June asked
a now cringing with regret over her desire to make reparations Mary, “Do you know what
your father said to me on our first date?” Mary didn’t want to know, but before she could
say so, June continued, “He told me everyone deserved a good spanking.”
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Having been on the receiving end of countless “well deserved” spankings, Mary
knew exactly what her father meant. But she only nodded, hoping no reply would end the
current conversation thread because before they married, it was common knowledge to
everyone, but Mary’s father who didn’t listen to parish gossip, that all it took was a diner
dinner and a bottle of twist top to get June on all fours, arms outstretched, her ass high in
When it came to Mary’s father, June, on a matrimony mission had managed to keep
her ass out of the air. And Mr. McMorrow, a novice to this sort of thing was genuflecting
When Joseph heard his father was planning to marry “loose baggage” who’d been
around every available block in the Bay Area, he immediately jumped in his green Ford
Twenty minutes later, Joseph pulled into his parent’s driveway and vaulted out of his
car without switching off the ignition or shutting the door. Mr. McMorrow opened the
kitchen window to greet him. The soon-to-be-second Mrs. McMorrow stood next to him
smiling and waving as Joseph collapsed down on the front lawn. His new girlfriend,
Marta, a hula hoop instructor who swore by L.S.D. and Earth shoes, stood behind him,
positioning a neon orange hoop on her waist. As Joseph arched over and pounded his fists
on the lawn, her hoop began to whirl in a tangy blur of accompaniment to the words,
“Dad, for God sake, sleep with her but don’t marry her.”
Mr. McMorrow’s face registered confusion over this piece of performance art. The
soon-to-be-second Mrs. McMorrow’s smile just split wider while her hand wagged in the
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air like the tail of a dog trying to please an unpleasable master. In her mind, she was one
She didn’t know that Mr. McMorrow, a devout Catholic, believed the proper
measures of faith were acceptance of church authority and adherence to the church's
sexual and reproductive ethic. She found out on her wedding night. And the words he
uttered the morning after: “Now that we’ve consummated the marriage, I won’t be
touching you again as we don’t need children” initiated the decade of bitterness that had
The first Mrs. McMorrow had dropped dead over beef stew in the kitchen when Mary
was eighteen and Joseph was twenty-two. Mary had just started college at Stanford and
her brother had just left his first wife for a Deadhead and a road trip across the country to
the Summer Jam at Watkins Glen. The only dead he had time for at that moment was the
Grateful one.
The extended family helped with the funeral and then disappeared leaving Mary to
manage college and her father. Mr. McMorrow managed his grief with vodka benders
after work and on weekends. In six months, the only casualties were the front and back
Mary knew everyone’s luck eventually ran out and she didn’t want his running out on
her watch. So when her father asked her if he should marry June, Mary replied “ Dad, I
think you have to follow your heart.” As a devout Catholic, she knew her father would
think with the heart below his belt and not the one above it.
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Mr. McMorrow died on a Monday. His funeral was held on a Thursday, and in honor
of his dying wish for a private, immediate family only burial at dawn, the sunup
Mary and Joseph convinced themselves that this request was their father’s final
punishment for two night owls who’d only seen dawn from the other side of a martini
glass. Then June suggested they bring the portable mini bar and cooler full of ice and
champagne along.
Mary, Joseph, and June gathered graveside in the twilight on a Friday morning. And
by her third martini, Mary found herself wrapped in forgiveness, rooting for the morning
When it looked like the sun had risen, the undertaker approached the McMorrows.
Laying a solemn hand on Joseph’s shoulder, he said, “We’re in position. Your father will
June paused mid quaff and the three olives she’d asked for tumbled into her open
Behind her, Mary heard hacking noises that sounded similar to what a cat makes
when he tries to expel a hairball. “Uh,” the undertaker pointed over Mary’s shoulder.
Mary turned to find June doubled over, hands on her knees, her midsection expanding
and contracting.
“She’s fine, just an olive.” Mary waved her off turned to Joseph. “Did you know
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June lurched near the lowering casket, her hand clutching at her throat. Her pallor had
“Anyone know the Heimlich maneuver?” asked Joseph as he watched June topple
over.
She hit the ground at the same moment Mr. McMorrow finished going down on his
first wife, Emily. Mary popped the cork of the champagne she had fished out of the red
Coleman a few minutes earlier. It shot straight at her supine stepmother, plugging her
right between her eyes, which were starting to match the cocktail onions they’d found in
The undertaker kneeled and touched June’s neck with his fore and middle finger.
“How about a two for one?” Joseph asked the as he pulled his checkbook from his
coat pocket. Without waiting for a response, Mary nudged June’s body with her foot to
get a sense of her weight. June was petite, maybe 100 pounds. One turn, she thought.
Mary repositioned the toe of her black pump under June’s lifeless body. Then she
lifted and pushed. June rolled into the open grave, and landed on Mr. McMorrow with the
Mary considered the eternal threesome before her and thought, “Maybe I’ll do the
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