An Excerpt From:

PORTAL: THE MUSICAL

BY KIRK SHIMANO

INSPIRED BY AND FEATURING THE SONGS OF JONATHAN COULTON

 CAST OF CHARACTERS

CHELL, a female test subject

THE COMPANION CUBE, a cube

SETTING

The Aperture Science labaratory

SCENE 7: TEST CHAMBER 17

Chell enters a new test chamber looking a little more worn

but, as the saying goes, still alive. The portal gun
remains attached to her hand. The voice of GLaDOS sounds
over the PA system.

GLaDOS: The Vital Apparatus Vent will deliver a Weighted

Companion Cube in three, two, one.

(With a whoosh and a clunk, a grey cube with a heart

carved into one side falls from the ceiling and hits
the floor in front of Chell)

GLaDOS: The symptoms most commonly produced by Enrichment

Center testing are superstition, perceiving inanimate
objects are alive, and hallucinations. The Enrichment
Center reminds you that the weighted companion cube will
never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak.

(Chell bends down to examine the Cube. Music begins to

swell as a ghostly voice raises from the Cube’s
general direction.)

I’M YOUR CUBE (I’M YOUR MOON)

THE CUBE:
THEY INVENTED A NEW FRIEND
A CUBE THAT SINGS
THEY WANT ME TO HELP YOU
BECAUSE I AM THE BEST OF THINGS
STEP ON TOP OF ME, I DON’T CARE
DROP ME ON A SWITCH – I KNOW YOU’LL COME BACK

I’M YOUR CUBE

CHELL:
YOU’RE MY CUBE

THE CUBE:
TAKE ME FROM THE GROUND

(Chell reaches to pick the cube up off the ground )

CHELL:
SUDDENLY THIS WHOLE TEST DOESN’T SEEM SO BAD AT ALL
THE CUBE:
PROMISE ME
YOU WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER I’M YOUR FRIEND

(Chell puts the Cube on the ground and uses it to

reach a higher ledge. She deflects a laser bolt using
its side as she continues to address it)

CHELL:
I HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM
OR WHERE I’M MEANT TO GO
DON’T KNOW IF I’LL SURVIVE
OUT PAST THE EDGE OF WHAT I KNOW

THE CUBE:
WE CAN ONLY BE WHO WE ARE
IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND

I’M YOUR CUBE

CHELL:
YOU’RE MY CUBE

THE CUBE:
TAKE ME FROM THE GROUND

CHELL:
SUDDENLY THIS WHOLE TEST DOESN’T SEEM SO BAD AT ALL

THE CUBE:
PROMISE ME
YOU WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER I’M YOUR FRIEND

WHO YOU WERE

LONG BEFORE
DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT
ANYMORE

GLaDOS: A belief that you are able to sing in harmony with

an inanimate object is usually a symptom of a severe
brain tumor. I just thought you might want to know before
you suffer an incredibly painful and protracted death.

CHELL:
 THAT COMPUTER JUST TAUNTS ME
MAKES ME THINK I’LL FAIL
I’M ALONE AND I NEED HELP
I WISH I COULD JUST BAIL

THE CUBE:
LET HER THINK WHAT SHE LIKES, WE’RE FINE
I WILL ALWAYS BE RIGHT HERE NEXT TO YOU

I’M YOUR CUBE

CHELL:
YOU’RE MY CUBE

THE CUBE:
PICK ME OFF THE GROUND

CHELL:
SUDDENLY THIS WHOLE TEST DOESN’T SEEM SO BAD AT ALL

CHELL AND THE CUBE:

PROMISE ME
YOU WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER I’M YOUR FRIEND

(Chell picks up the Cube and they whirl in a circle.

She laughs as they reach the door, where an ominous
chasm waits for them)

GLaDOS: You did it! The weighted companion cube certainly

brought you good luck. However, it cannot accompany you
for the rest of the test and must, unfortunately, be
euthanized.

CHELL: What?

GLaDOS: Please escort your companion cube to the Aperture

Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator.

CHELL: (she hugs the Cube a little tighter) But…no!

GLaDOS: The companion cube cannot continue through the

testing. State and local statutory regulations prohibit
it from simply remaining here, alone and companionless.
You must euthanize it. Although the euthanizing process
is remarkably painful, eight out of ten Aperture Science
engineers believe that the companion cube is most likely
 incapable of feeling much pain.

(Chell looks at the Cube carefully. Music begins to

play again.)

THE CUBE:
PROMISE ME
YOU WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER I’M YOUR FRIEND

(Chell closes her eyes as she picks up the Cube and

drops it into the incinerator)

I’M YOUR CUBE. I’M YOUR AIYEEEEEEEEEE!

(The door to the next test chamber opens over the

sound of incineration)

GLaDOS: You euthanised your faithful companion cube more

quickly than any test subject on record. Congratulations.

(Chell sighs as she walks to the next test room)