A Day in The Life Of A Door To Door Salesman

By

Oliver Fowls

Version 1.0
 [ACT ONE]

[Int, Sales Office]

The SALESMAN turns up breathless, sweat dripping from his

forehead after sprinting from his car parking space some
distance away to the main office of WANT MORE™, a company
that specialises in door to door sales.

BOSS
You’re late!

The SALESMAN forlornly enters the office, blinking and

choking a little on cigar smoke which is almost solid in
density. We see the BOSS, a balding, sweaty fat man with
thick cigar hanging from his mouth pumping vast
quantities of noxious smoke into the air. He looks like
the by-product of every vice distilled into one man.

SALESMAN:
(Coughing a little) I got caught up in traffic... Uh… it
won’t happen again Boss!

BOSS
My God you’re useless!

The SALESMAN stares blankly, a little taken aback. His

face appears drained and ashen; he’s had late nights and
heavy drinking for the last three weeks.

BOSS:
Your recent sales figures have been absolute shit! I know
you’ve only just divorced and both your folks died last
week but…

(Tense silence)

BOSS:
…to put it bluntly I don’t care. I dislike you intently.
I think you’re a no good useless bum.

SALESMAN:
(Weakly) But…

BOSS:
(Talking over any replies)
Unfortunately I can’t fire your ass because of how I
feel, but I can for poor performance! Now, if you don’t
sell two hundred units of Ultra Bondex superglue you’re
fired!
 SALESMAN:
But that stuff never sells!

BOSS:
Hell! I never said I was gonna make it easy. So you
(grabs hold of SALESMAN) better get out there (forces him
toward the door) and make those fucking sales!
 [Act Two]
[Ex. Suburban Street]

SALESMAN is pounding the streets peddling Ultra Bondex

superglue and failing miserably.

(SALESMAN rings doorbell)

ECCENTRIC HOMEOWNER
Helloooo?

SALESMAN
Hi there! Can I interest you in this fantastic new
product?

(Pulls out a pack of superglue with a flourish)

New Ultra Bondex solves all your worries!

ECCENTRIC HOMEOWNER
(Screaming)NOOOOOO!

(Slams Door, we hear the sound of many, many latches and

locks being put into place)

The SALESMAN appears a shocked and open mouthed, perhaps

even says ‘Huh?’

[Cut to a montage of doors being slammed, the SALESMAN

giving his sales pitch etc with voiceovers like:

SALESMAN:
Hi!

SALESMAN:
God Morning!

SALESMAN:
How would you like…

Mad Homeowner:
Get off of my property! (Fires shotgun)]
Dissolve to:

[Int, American Diner]

The SALESMAN is at a pay phone calling ‘JOE on the Phone’

His best and only ‘friend’.

(SALESMAN puts a quarter in the phone and dials, all the

while looking frustrated)

JOE(V/O through phone)

Speak!

SALESMAN
Uh... Joe?

JOE
If it isn’t Mr Awesome himself, what the hell do you
want?

SALESMAN
Joe I need help, I’ve got to sell two hundred packs of
Super Bondex by the end of the day or I’ll lose my job
(becoming a little deranged) and and I can’t lose my job
Joe I Can’t! I’ll be home less and…

JOE (Cuts across)

Whoa Whoa Whoa! Chill out! How many you sold?

SALESMAN
umm… about... uh... twenty?

JOE
Jeez…uh, try the circus, they came into town a few days
ago (Hangs up)

SALESMAN (talking to dialling tone, happier)

Thanks JOE!
 [ACT THREE]
[Ex. Circus Caravan parking area, EARLY EVENING]

The SALESMAN is approaching the circus performers in

their caravans but not having huge success in selling the
superglue

(Salesman knocks on a caravan door)

CLOWN ONE
Hello?

SALESMAN
Uh… Hi… Can I interest you in some ultra bondex
superglue? It’s clinically proven to…

CLOWN
NO! Gettoutta here ya bum!

The CLOWN squirts the SALESMAN in the face with a flower

on his lapel. The spray is quite powerful, yet short.

The SALESMAN leaves to find another caravan and knocks on

the door

CLOWN TWO
Yes?

SALESMAN
Hello, I’m representing Ultra Bondex Superglue, I wonder
if you would be interested in…

The CLOWN points to a sign next to the door which reads

NO SALESMEN
NO LEAFLETS
NO LETTERBOMBS

SALESMAN
Ah, I apologise

As the SALESMAN turns to leave the CLOWN throws a cream

pie at him, hitting him square in the back of the head.
The SALESMAN stops, visibly suppressing anger and then
continues walking away when
 The SALEMAN’s mobile phone goes off

BOSS
So do I get to fire your ass now? How many you sold?

SALESMAN
Uh… twenty five?

BOSS
That’s even worse than I though you could do. Get your
useless ass over here so I can take your badge and
briefcase!

The BOSS hangs up abruptly. The SALESMAN slowly takes the

phone from his ear and looks at it, his face inscrutable.
After a few moments on of his eyes starts ticking,
suddenly he hurls the phone to the floor where it
smashes. A tiny piece of the phone flies back and leaves
a small cut under one eye. The sudden shock of being cut
becomes the last straw and his face positively mutates
into the face of pure rage for a few moments before again
returning to an almost deadpan expression. His eyes give
away the pure hellfire raging within as he power walks
away. Each step is pronounced with a sharp snap as he
slams his feet to the ground, quickly but powerfully.

[Int. BOSS’s office, late evening]

The BOSS is talking on the phone reclining in a well

stuffed executive chair with a stiff drink in hand, his
customary cigar protrudes obscenely from his mouth
blasting the same inhuman quantities of smoke into the
already dense atmosphere of the small space.

BOSS
…I can’t wait to see the look on his face when I take his
badge and briefcase.

The SALESMAN quietly enters the building and appears at

the doorway to the office. The BOSS is facing the
opposite way resting his feet on the desk.

BOSS
The best part is that his wife left him for me! HA HA HA
HA!

Upon hearing this the SALESMAN steps up to the desk,

still unseen and slams his briefcase on the desk with an
almighty crash. The BOSS is nearly frightened to death,
his feet slide off the desk and he spins round in his
chair to face the SALESMAN who has opened his case and
pulled out a canister/tube of ULTRA BONDEX 7XL, an
obscenely large, pressurised tube of superglue which
looks similar to a hypodermic needle, sans needle, but
with a red button on the back to release the adhesive.

The SALESMAN rams the application end of the product into

the gawking mouth of the BOSS whose eyes widen in fear.
The SALESMAN throws a punch at the BOSS, hitting the red
button on the superglue which releases the entire
contents of the tube into the BOSS which kills him almost
instantly.

The SALESMAN walks out of the BOSS’s office to the door

out of the building, pauses briefly, tears his namebadge
off to casually throw it into a nearby trashcan. Standing
a little taller than before he leaves.

END