Family – Divine Institution

(Ephesians 5:31 – 33)

Introduction
Marriage and Family Are Under Attack
Marriages and families are under attack. Marriage and family, as we
know it, are subjected to various forces and sources that undermine its
integrity and stability.

• Devalued
Marriages are cheapened. The intimate relationship between a man
and woman, deemed sacred within marriage, are practiced casually.
Marriage is being devalued. Men and woman are co-habiting,
raising families without getting married. The Bible calls it
fornication, yet it is widely practiced in New Zealand. The NZ
Statistics office showed that general marriage rate is declining for
the past 15 years. The NZ Statistics office reported that “ The
general marriage rate (marriages per 1,000 unmarried adults)
was 13.2 in 2009, down from 16.1 in 1999. The latest rate is
less than one-third of the peak level of 45.5 per 1,000
recorded in 1971. Factors that have contributed to the falling
marriage rate include the growth in de facto unions, a general
trend towards delayed marriage, and more New Zealanders
remaining single.”

The sad fact about it is, de facto relationships are deemed as

normal and acceptable. Society perceives that couples outside of
marriages are no different from married couples. Marriage is just a
piece of paper and has nothing to do with their feelings and
emotions. What’s important is that they are in love. Marriage is no
longer relevant. Sad isn’t it

• Distortion
Civil union is legal in NZ since 26 April 2005. The Civil Union
Act of 2004 establishes the institution of civil union for same-sex
and opposite sex couples and was passed by the Parliament on 9
December 2004. That act of parliament is a gross distortion of
marriage as an institution. It undermines the definition of family as
well. Marriage, as the Bible defines it, is the union between a man

1
 and a woman, male and female. Genesis 2:22 – 24. Today’s society
is distorting the institution of marriage. Same sex partnerships or
unions are pushed, no, legislated to be accepted by the society in
general. It is forced upon us. We have to treat them as if the union
between man and man or woman and woman are divine and
sanctified institutions sanctioned by God. We are forced to accept
the sinful practice that lead to the destruction of Sodom and
Gomorrah. Same-sex unions are legal and recognised in increasing
number of countries. I don’t even want to call it marriage because
it distorts the meaning of marriage. Call it as they like but it is a
grave sin in the sight of God.

Marriage in Greco-Roman times was different from the marriage as

we know it. The Encyclopaedia of the Ancient Greek World states
that The exclusive emphasis on procreation rather than love, in a
society that otherwise tended to devalue women, made most Greek
marriages unromantic. It was considered entirely appropriate for
husbands to find sexual adventure outside marriage—with
SLAVES or PROSTITUTES, or in the homosexual pursuits of the
GYMNASIUM and other male gathering places.

This is the background of this epistle. Marriage was perceived

differently by the Ephesian believers as they mostly came from
pagan backgrounds. This passage is an instruction to the Ephesians
to treat marriage as God instituted it immediately after Creation. It
is so divine that marriage existed before man committed the first
sin. Marriage pre-dated sin.

Marriage (v. 31)

Verse 31 is repetition of Genesis 2:23. It emphasises the divine and
sanctified nature of marriage. It stresses that marriage was instituted
by God after Creation and it pre-dated sin. Such is the seriousness of
marriage that Paul had to re-orient the pagan thinking of the Ephesians
towards God’s original design for marriage. In the previous verses,
Bob, Graham and Mike tackled the expected behaviour and roles of
the husband and wife. This verse justifies these expectations based on
God’s original intent for marriage. It is a clarifies and differentiates
the social norm of marriage in those days from God’s definition.

2
Husband
The main is instructed to leave his father and mother and be united
with his wife. It is cross referenced with Genesis 2:23. The man is
instructed to set up his own family unit independent of his previous
family. He is tasked with the responsibility of managing and
organising his marriage. The marriage is with his wife and through the
marriage he splits with his family. Simple isn’t it. Let’s drill down on
the steps:
• Cutting off – a man will leave his father and mother. The husband
leave his parents. As a responsible adult, he is no longer under the
control nor guidance of his parents. He is no longer a child
• Bonding – and be united to his wife. This is a permanent bonding
that lasts until death. This is where the phrase ‘til death do us part’
applies.
• Unity – the two will become one flesh. The old family units are
broken and new one begins.

Wife

The wife must be in sync with the husband as they form a new family.
Equally she is also subject to the same steps
• Cutting off – when the man cuts with his father and mother, the
wife should follow suit. She should also declare independence
from her family and be free and responsible to take up the
challenges of marriage with his groom
• Bonding – This bonding is not a one-way traffic. For you DIY
and builders out there, the bonding is like epoxy where two
different types of tubes are mixed to form a strong bond. If you
don’t mix the tubes as instructed then you won’t have any
bonding at all. It will fall apart
• Unity – when the two become one flesh. Wives and would be
brides, remember you are part of the two. You are a partner in
this unity and it will not work at all without your participation
and cooperation. You also break the old family units and begin
a new one, the same unit, with your husband. As they say, it
takes two to tango.
Application
This is an area where Asian families get it wrong. Amongst the
Chinese, it is the tradition after the wedding that the family lives
with the groom’s family. The wife will be trained along the

3
 dictates of the husband’s family. You can imagine the conflict
with the in-laws and the feeling of insecurity. God said that we
leave our father and mother to form their own family yet they try
to get into the groom’s family and let them run their lives. We’re
not saying that we totally disown our families when we get
married but we just sever the ties as we are no longer sons and
daughters but fathers and mothers in our own right. Have you
ever wondered why mother-in-law jokes are popular? It is a
reflection of the conflict that arises when this divine directive is
disobeyed. There will be conflicts because of the differences in
perspective or point of view. Daddy’s little girl or Mummy’s
little princess is now your wife, whom you expect to share the
burden and responsibility of raising your own family. If Mummy
and Daddy still feel that their darling little princess cannot take
care of her own family and they step in to do it for her then the
problem begins. They must realise that darling little princess
wants to be mummy too on her own right. Equally, Daddy or
Mummy’s little boy is now becoming a husband and father, who
should raise a family with his wife, without Daddy or Mummy
stepping in to do it for them. The operational word here is
independence or autonomy. Please remember specially the
singles, should you get married it will be you and your wife and
nobody else. For Mums and Dads, please give your children
some slack when they start their own families do not step in
uninvited. Leave them alone.

Mystery (v 32)
The key theme of this verse is mystery, from the Greek word
musterion meaning a secret or information known only to insiders. In
the context of the New Testament, it refers to truth not known in the
Old Testament times but revealed in the New Testament. Another
example of mystery is the rapture where believers from the age of
grace will meet Christ in the air found in 1 Cor 15:51 - 57. Another
illustration is the mystery mentioned in Ephesians 3:1 – 11 where the
church is composed of both Jews and Gentiles, an unthinkable idea in
the Old Testament . The mystery mentioned in this verse is also a far-
fetched idea in the Old Testament. In those times man has to keep his
distance from God. He could not approach Mt Sinai in giving the law,
nor could anybody approach the Holy of Holies at anytime. The Holy
of Holies can only be approached by the High Priest once a year and
even then he must have cleansed himself in order to be worthy in
God’s presence. This verse addresses the gap between God and man

4
that has been bridged by Christ. This bridge is more than a link. It is
also a picture of intimacy that is analogous to a husband and wife
relationship.

Groom
In this analogy, Jesus is viewed as the husband or the groom. Jesus as
the husband is also the head of the Church. The position of headship is
attributed to the following factors:

1. Christ is the head of His church as its Creator. Headship has to do with
origins. Adam was the head of his wife because she came forth from him (1
Corinthians 11:8). Christ is the Head of the church because He has brought it
into existence; the church originates in Christ (Colossians 1:16-18).
2. Christ is the head of His church as its Sustainer. Headship involves
sustenance, and Christ is the Sustainer of the church (Colossians 1:17; 2:19;
see also Ephesians 4:15-16).
3. Christ is the head of His church as its Consummation. All of history is
being divinely directed toward the goal of “summing up all things in Christ”
(Ephesians 1:10).
4. Christ is the Head of His church by possessing complete authority over
it. Headship involves authority. To be the “head” of a company is to be in
charge of it. To be the head of the church is to be in authority over it
(Ephesians 1:22; Colossians 1:16-18).
5. Christ is the Head of His church because He is the One who is to be
preeminent and to receive the glory. Christ is to be the object of our
worship, adoration, and praise. He is to be lifted up and exalted. He is to
have the pre-eminence (Colossians 1:18)

Bride
The church is the bride of Christ. In this analogy of intimacy, the
church is the receiver of Christ’s affection in the same way that the
husband professes his love for the wife. Because of Christ’s love, the
church responds by willingly submitting to Christ. It is the perfect
portrait of a husband and wife relationship, the husband initiates the
love and affection and the wife responds by submission. John 1:14 is
proof that God initiated this love and affection when He came to the
earth to become a man and suffer all the frailties of men without
giving up His deity. Submission is not a sign of inferiority because
how can you be inferior to yourself? The previous verse tells us that
the husband is united to the wife. It infers that Christ is united to the
church. This unity is expressed well in Philippians 2:5 – 8 when He
took on human flesh as a perfect sinless man whose Godship remains
undiminished. This is the mystery that is not well understood in the
Old Testament yet the provision for a Saviour was recorded. The

5
 mystery of Christ’s coming is indeed a mystery to the Jews who failed
to see the Saviour who lived among them. Christ’s humanity is the
strongest evidence that He is united to us and for this we must
dutifully submit to Him.
Application
Christ’s affection for the church is no longer a mystery. It was a
mystery because it was not well-understood then. How then can we be
the worthy bride of Christ? How can we live up to such lofty
expectation when we are declared to be intimate with Christ? The best
way to live up the expectation is to be like brides worthy of Christ,
that is, live a pure and holy life.
When Christ redeemed us from our sins, we are cleansed and our
hearts are washed like snow. We are declared holy and sinless so we
must remain holy and sinless. We cannot do it on our own. We must
always seek God’s guidance to work in our lives so we can live a pure
and holy life worthy of Christ. It is a life of purity in intent and purity
in action.

Mutualism (v 33)
In biology, mutualism is defined as a relationship where two
organisms benefit from each other. An example of mutualism is the
relationship between clownfish, Nemo, and sea anemone. A sea
anemone is a carnivorous animal that has poisonous tentacles in which
it injects poison to its prey and kills it. The clownfish is immune to
this poison. The symbiotic relation works like this. The clownfish
lives within the poisonous tentacles of the sea anemone. After the sea
anemone has eaten its meal, the clownfish feeds on the remains of the
kill. It also feeds on dead tentacles, thereby keeps the environment
around the polyps clean. The bright colours of the clownfish attract
other fishes which are lured to the tentacles of the sea anemone. This
symbiotic relationship or mutualism is admonished in verse 33. This is
a statement of co-dependence between husband and wife
Husband
The admonition is to love your wife as you love yourself. There goes
the ego-centric male whose pre-occupation is himself. In RBC
booklet, Building Blocks to a Strong Marriage, one of the building
blocks is unreserved love. Love without reservations. No ifs and no

6
 buts and no conditions. It is called the genuine, heartfelt, through
thick-and-thin, till-death-do-us-part kind of love. It is the kind of love
that men and women yearn for but it usually fails to deliver. That
yearning for unreserved love is reflected in the popularity of romantic
novels and movies. Mills and Boons, Barbara Cartland, Judith Krantz,
to name a few, rake it in from this yearning. This genre was already
popular in the 1700’s and carried it to the 1800’s by the likes of Jane
Austen. Love stories make a compelling read, especially among the
young girls. It is carried over to the movie genre called Chick Flicks
or movies that appeal to the sentiments of females.
Harlequin Enterprises, the biggest publisher of romance novels,
conducted a market research and found out that romance novels make
up 47% of book purchases made by women. 71% purchase romance
novels at least once a month. These statistics point out to the women’s
need of affection. Men are wired or programmed differently from
men. Women get a sense of self from relationship. Where men are
task-oriented women are relations-oriented. They are the touchy feely
types and they expect the men to behave as such. This is where I
usually get into trouble because I am not really relationship-oriented. I
am wired differently from Lucille and Paul had the insight to advise
men to love their wives because that is what they are programmed to
need.

Wives
The second part of this verse is the reciprocity from the wife. It is
about the wives respecting their husbands. In a symbiotic relationship,
each does something different. Where the husband provides love because
that is most beneficial to the wife. In turn wives are admonished to
respect their husbands because men are programmed to be self-reliant,
task-oriented and get their sense of self from achievements. This is where
they expect recognition. This where they expect to get respect. And that
is what the wife gives. Men get their fulfilment from recognition of their
accomplishments . Egos play a big role. Men like to strut their stuff. They
are also acquisitive. Have you heard of “Big Boys Toys”? Have you
heard of the saying, those who die with the most toys wins? Men like
Larry Ellison spends hundreds of millions of US dollars just to satisfy
their egos, they crave of accomplishment. His goal is to win America’s
Cup back to the US. It may seem mundane but for him it is the end all of
his sense of self. Imagine spending hundreds of millions of dollars just to
win back an old silver mug may seem out of proportion to the amount of
time and money spent. Larry Ellison is not alone. What makes him

7
different is the extent that he goes through just to gain admiration and
respect
Application
I have read about divorces caused by irreconcilable differences. It
doesn’t make sense because men and women are created differently.
We have differences in our physical and emotional attributes. We have
different needs. We have differences in the way we react to problems
and situations. We must thrive on these differences. We must
understand these differences and make the most out of them. Verse 33
recognises those differences that’s why the husband is expected to
behave differently from the wife. A husband and wife partnership is a
symbiosis. Two different individuals who benefit from their
differences. This co-dependence was programmed by God at the
onset of creation. We are hardwired to be different and we must
celebrate on those differences because that is who we are.

Conclusion –
Marriage is a Divine Institution
Marriage and family are high up on God’s list. Marriage is older than
sin. Adam was married by God to Eve before they fell prey to Satan’s
lure. The family was the first institution ordained by God. It came first
before government and church. This is the reason why Christ’s
relationship is likened to a marriage. Marriage is not only a physical
and emotional union. There is a spiritual dimension to marriage.
Marriage is sacred and we must keep it that way. Like the bride of
Christ we must keep our marriage pure and holy. We must not devalue
marriage. We must not distort this holy institution.

Marriage is a Union of Differences

We must recognise that there is more to marriage than compatibility.
Husband and wife must complement each other. They must recognise
differences and work on their marriage on that basis. Compatibility
plays a major role on our spiritual maturity. Both husband and wife
must strive to attain these goal. On the issue of personality differences,
we must recognise that God created man and wife with built-in
differences. It is a union of two different creations. It is a union of co-
dependence. I think most couples who were divorced on the basis of
irreconcilable differences would have preserved their marriage had
they recognised the Biblical insight from this epistle. God’s Word is
alive and will continue to live.