H ailth e Re turning Dragon,

Cloth e d in Ne w Fire
Y ou k now th is love s tory. A gallant k nigh t e s pie s a fair m aide n in th e
dis tant w indow of a forbidding-type cas tle. Th e ir e ye s m e e t— s m ok -
ily— acros s th e w ith e re d h e ath . Ins tant ch e m is try. And s o good Sir
K nigh t com e s te ar-as s ing tow ard th e cas tle, brandis h ing h is lance . Can h e
jus t gallop up and carry th e fair m aide n off?Not q uite . Firs t h e 's got to
ge t pas t th e dragon, righ t?Th e re 's alw ays a particularly nas ty dragon
guarding th e cas tle, and th e k nigh t's alw ays got to face and s lay th e drag-
on if th e re 's to be any carrying off. But and s o, lik e any loyalk nigh t in th e
s e rvice of pas s ion, th e k nigh t battles th e dragon, allfor th e s ak e of th e fair
m aide n. "Fair m aide n" m e ans "good-look ing virgin," by th e w ay. And s o
let's not be naive about w h at th e k nigh t's re ally figh ting for. You can be t
h e 's going to e xpe ct m ore th an a bre ath y "M y h e ro" from th e m aide n
once th at dragon's s lain. In fact, th e w ay th e s tory alw ays goe s , good Sir
K nigh t ris k s life and lance agains t th e dragon not to "re s cue " th e good-
look ing virgin, but to "w in" h e r. And any k nigh t, from any e ra, can te ll
you w h at "w in" m e ans h e re .
Som e of m y ow n k nigh tly frie nds s e e th e s pe cte r of h e te ros e xualAID S
 H ailth e Returning Dragon, Cloth ed in New Fire 15

as noth ing les s th an a s e xualArm age ddon— a violent e nd to th e cas ual

carnalcopia of th e las t th re e de cade s . Som e oth e rs , grim but m ore upbe at,
re gard H IV as a s ort of te s t of our ge ne ration's s e xualm e ttle; th e s e guys
now applaud th e ir ow n cas uals port-fuck ing as a k ind of m e dicaldare -
de vilry th at affirm s th e indom itability of th e e rotic s pirit. I cite , e .g., an
upbe at frie nd's re ce nt lette r on AID S: "...So now nature h ad inve nte d
anoth e r im pe dim e nt to h um an re lations , and ye t th e rom antic urge live s .
It de fie s alle fforts — h um an, m oral, and viral— to e xtinguis h it. And
th at's a w onde rfulth ing. It is , in fact, pos s ible to be e ncourage d by th e
h um an w illto fuck , w h ich pe rs is ts de s pite alls orts of im pe dim e nts . W e
s h allove rcom e , s o to s pe ak ."
Cavalie r s e ntim e nts , e tc. But I can't h e lp th ink ing s om e of today's
k nigh ts s tillunde re s tim ate both AID S's dange rs and its advantage s . Th e y
failto s e e th at H IV could w e llbe th e s alvation of s e xuality in th e 19 9 0s .
Th e y don't s e e it, I th ink , be caus e th e y te nd to m is re ad th e e te rnals tory
of w h ate rotic pas s ion's allabout.
Th e e rotic w ill e xis ts "de s pite im pe dim e nt"? Le t's go back to th at
k nigh t and fair m aide n e xch anging las civious look s . And h e re com e s th e
k nigh t, galloping cas tlew ard, m am m oth lance at th e re ady. Exce pt im ag-
ine th is tim e th at th e re is no dange r, no dragon to fe ar, face , figh t, s lay.
Im agine th e k nigh t's purs uit of th e m aide n is W h olly unim pe de d—
th e re 's no dragon;th e cas tle's unlock e d;th e draw bridge e ve n low e rs auto-
m atically, lik e a s uburban garage door. And h e re 's th e m aide n ins ide ,
w e aring a Victoria's Se cre t te ddy and crook ing h e r finge r. D oe s anyone
e lse h e re de te ct a s h adow of dis appointm e nt in Sir K nigh t's face , a s ligh t
anticlim actic droop to h is lance ?D oe s th is ve rs ion of th e s tory h ave any-
th ing lik e th e oth e r's pas s ionate , e rotic e dge ?
"Th e h um an w illto fuck "?Any anim alcan fuck . But only h um ans can
e xpe rie nce s e xualpas s ion, s om e th ing w h olly diffe re nt from th e biologi-
calurge to m ate . And s e xualpas s ion's e ndure d for m illennia as a vitalps y-
ch ic force in h um an life — not de s pite im pe dim e nts but be caus e of th e m .
Plain old coitus be com e s e rotically ch arge d and s piritually pote nt at jus t
th os e m om e nts w h e re im pe dim e nts , conflicts , taboos and cons e q ue nce s
lend it a double-e dge d ch aracte r— m e aningfuls e x is both an ove rcom -
ing and a s uccum bing, a trans ce nde nce and a trans gre s s ion, trium ph ant
and te rrible and e cs tatic and s ad. Turtles and gnats can m ate , but only th e
h um an w illcan de fy, trans gre s s , ove rcom e , love : Ch oos e .
H is tory-w is e , both nature and culture h ave be e n inge nious at e re cting
im pe dim e nts th at give th e ch oice of pas s ion its price and value ; re ligious
pros criptions ; pe nalty for adulte ry and divorce ; ch ivalric ch as tity and
courtly de corum ; th e s tigm a of illegitim ate birth ; ch ape ronage ; m adon-
16 David Foster W allace

na/w h ore com plexe s ;s yph ilis ;back -alley abortions ;a s e t of "m oral" code s
th at put s e ns uality on a taboo-leve lw ith de fe cation and apos tas y... from
th e Victorians ' dre ad of th e body to e arly TV's one -foot-on-th e -floor-at-
all-tim e s rule;from th e autom atic ruin of "fallen" w om e n to back -s e at tus -
sl e s in w h ich girl frie nds s truggl e d to de ny boyfrie nds w h at th e y be gge d for
in orde r to pre s e rve th e ir re s pe ct. Grante d, from 19 9 6's pe rs pe ctive , m os t
of th e old s e xualdragons look s tupid and crue l.But w e ne e d to re alize th at
th e y h ad s om e th ing big in th e ir favor: as long as th e dragons re igne d, s e x
w as n't cas ual , not e ve r. H is torically, h um an s e xual ity h as be e n a de adly s e ri-
ous bus ine s s — and th e fie rce r its dragons , th e s e rious e r s e x got; and th e
h igh e r th e price of ch oice , th e h igh e r th e e rotic voltage s urrounding w h at
pe ople ch os e .
And th e n, w h at m us t h ave s e e m e d s udde nly, th e dragons allk e e led ove r
and die d. Th is w as jus t around w h e n I w as born, th e '60s "R e volution" in
s e xuality. Sci-fi type advance s in proph ylactics and anti-ve ne re als, fe m i-
nis m as a politicalforce , TV as ins titution, th e ris e of a culture of youth
and its gland-inte ns ive art and m us ic, CivilR igh ts , re be llion as fas h ion,
inh ibition-k illing drugs , th e m oral cas tration of ch urch e s and ce ns ors .
Bik inis , m inis k irts . "Fre e Love ." Th e cas tle's doors w e re n't s o m uch
unlock e d as blow n off th e ir h inge s . Se x could finally be uncons traine d,
"H ang-Up"-fre e , jus t anoth e r appe tite : cas ual. I w as tooth les s and inconti-
ne nt th rough m os t of th e R e volution, but it m us t h ave s e e m e d lik e ins tant
paradis e . For a w h ile.
I w as pre -cons cious for th e R e volution's big party, but I got to e xpe ri-
e nce fully th e h angove r th at follow e d— th e e rotic m alais e of th e '70s , as
s e x, divorce d from m os t price and cons e q ue nce , re ach e d a k ind of s atura-
tion-point in th e culture — s w inging couples and m e at-m ark e t bars , h ot
tubs and EST, H us tl e r's gyne col ogicals pre ads , Ch arlie 's Ange ls, h e rpe s , k id-
die -porn, m ood rings , te e nage pre gnancy, Plato's R e tre at, dis co. I re m e m -
be r Look ing for M r. Goodbar al ltoo w e l l, its grim account of th e e m ptine s s
and s e lf-loath ing th at a de cade of ram pant cas ualfuck ing h ad brough t on.
Look ing back , I re alize th at I cam e of s e xualage in a culture th at w as s tart-
ing to m is s th e ve ry dragons w h os e de ath s h ad s uppos e dly fre e d it.
If I've got th is righ t, th e n th e cas ualk nigh ts of m y ow n bland ge ne ra-
tion m igh t w e l lcom e to re gard AID S as a bl e s s ing, a gift pe rh aps be s tow e d
by nature to re s tore s om e critical balance , m aybe s um m one d uncon-
s cious ly out of th e collective e rotic de s pair of th e pos t-'60s glut. Be caus e
th e dragon is back , and cloth e d in a fire th atcan'tbe ignore d.
I m e an no offe ns e . Nobody w ould claim th at a leth ale pide m ic is a good
th ing. Noth ing from nature is good or bad. Naturalth ings jus t are ; th e
only good and bad are pe ople's various ch oice s in th e face of w h at is . But
 H ailth e Returning Dragon, Cloth ed in New Fire 17

our ow n h is tory s h ow s th at— for w h ate ve r re as ons — an e rotically ch arge d

h um an e xis te nce re q uire s im pe dim e nts to pas s ion, price s for ch oice s . Th at
h undre ds of th ous ands of pe ople are dying h orribly of AID S s e e m s lik e a
crue land unfair price to pay for a ne w e rotic im pe dim e nt. But it's not obvi-
ous l y m ore unfair th an th e m il lions w h o h ave die d of s yph il is , incom pe te nt
abortions , and "crim e s of pas s ion," nor obvious ly m ore crue lth an th at pe o-
ple us e d routine ly to h ave th e ir live s w re ck e d by "falling," "fornicating,"
s inning, h aving "illegitim ate " ch ildre n, or ge tting trappe d by inane re li-
gious codes in l oveless and abusive m arriages. Atl eastit's notobvious to m e.
Th e re 's a ne w dragon to face . But facing a dragon doe s n't m e an s w ag-
ge ring up to it unarm e d and ins ulting its m om . And th e e rotic ch arge of
h azard s urrounding s e x and H IV doe s n't m e an w e can continue to e ngage
in s port-fuck ing in th e nam e of "courage " or rom antic "w ill." In fact,
AID S's gift to us lie s in its loud re m inde r th at th e re 's noth ing cas ualabout
s e x at all. Th is is a gift be caus e h um an s e xuality's pow e r and m e aning
incre as e w ith our re cognition of its s e rious ne s s . Th is h as be e n w h at's
"bad" about cas uals e x from th e be ginning: s e x is ne ve r bad, but it's also
ne ve r cas ual.
O ur s e xualre cognition of w h at is can s tart w ith th e cons cie ntious us e of
prote ction as a ge s ture of love tow ard ours e lve s and our partne rs . But a
de e pe r, far brave r re cognition of jus t w h at k ind of dragon w e 're facing is
now s tarting to tak e h old, and— far from Arm age ddon— is doing m uch
to incre as e th e e rotic voltage of conte m porary life . Th ank s to AID S, w e 're
e xpanding our im aginations w ith re s pe ct to w h at is "s e xual." D e e p dow n,
w e allk now th at th e re alallure of s e xuality h as about as m uch to do w ith
copulation as th e appe alof food doe s w ith m e tabolic com bus tion. Trite
th ough it (us e d to) s ound, re als e xuality is about our s truggles to conne ct
w ith one anoth e r, to e re ct bridge s acros s th e ch as m s th at s e parate s e lve s .
Se xuality is , finally, about im agination. Th ank s to brave pe ople's re cogni-
tion of AID S as a fact of l ife , w e are be ginning to re al ize th at h igh ly ch arge d
s e x can tak e pl ace in alls orts of w ays w e 'd forgotte n or ne gl e cte d— th rough
non-ge nitaltouch ing, or ove r th e ph one , or via th e m ail; in a conve rs a-
tionalnuance ; in a body's pos ture , a ce rtain pre s s ure in a h e ld h and. Se x
can be e ve ryw h e re w e are , al lth e tim e . Allw e ne e d to do is re al ly face th is
dragon, yie lding ne ith e r to h ys te rical te rror nor to ch ildis h de nial. In
re turn, th e dragon can h e l p us re l e arn w h at it m e ans to be trul y s e xual. Th is
is not a s m allth ing, or optional. Fire is leth al, but w e ne e d it. Th e k e y is
h ow w e com e to fire . It's not jus t oth e r pe ople you h ave to re s pe ct.

Nove m be r, 19 9 6