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The Flipside 3-4

The Flipside 3-4

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Published by Jeremy Keeshin
satirical newspaper
satirical newspaper

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Published by: Jeremy Keeshin on Nov 19, 2007
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial


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3rd Year, 4th Digest, No. 10 www.dhsflipside.comSept. 27, 2007, Free ....dom
 W I N  A   F L I P S I D E  W I N  A   F L I P S I D E  T T - S H I R  T !  - S H I R  T ! 
Dude, What DidYou Get On Your ACT?
By Tony “The Trashtalker” Ta’alioHey you. Yeayou, in the grayshirt with theobscure band on it.Yea, I’m talking toyou. Don’t look away now just‘cause your intimi-dated by the T-Man. Tony’s gonna play it nice this time.We can make this painless.I’m just here for the scoop. So let’shear it. What did you get on thatMarch National Test? You know whatI’m talking about. The A-C-T. TheAlpha Charlie Tango. The drama club.The “big one.”Fine! You don’t want totell, you don’t have to. All I’m askingfor is the range. Give me an idea. Areyou above fifteen? Well, that’s good, Iwas asking that more as a rhetoricalquestion. Are you in the thirty to thir-ty five range? No? That’s ok, we can’tall be Einsteins. So then, we got you punked between fifteen and thirtyfive. We’re almost there, this will be painless.Dude, just tell me now. It’snot like it matters. Everyone has anACTscore. And also, it’s not like Iam going to judge you and hate youand call you a bigot and a racist if you don’t get above a twenty seven.It’s not like that.OK, how about this. Wewill make it into a game. I will say anumber and you say “Ka-pow” if Igot it right. Twenty two. Thirty one.Twenty nine. Twenty. Thirty six. Five.Twenty six. Did I hear you say “Ka- pow?” No? All right then, we’ll keepgoing. What? You need to go dohomework? Don’t give me thatexcuse. I’ve heard it before. No, I am not being annoy-ing! All I asked you was one simplequestion. How about this: You tell mea president that was the same number as what you got. No? What about this:Tell it to me in binary code. I feel likewe aren’t getting anywhere. But, it’sok, you can’t stop the T-Talker. Hekeeps talkin’. We’ll get that ACToutof you sometime.
Earthworks Cuts DownTrees To Make Flyers
By Harvey HarvestDEERFIELD, IL—There is discon-tent around the friendly confines of Deerfield High School. Earthworks,the after-school club concerned withenvironmentalism and actively savingour planet, has been exposed.This angelic club is notwhat we once thought it was. Theyhave been participating in a world-wide scam of environmental clubs.“We once thought they were harm-less, but this is not the case,” saysEPAhead Sam Inspeck. “They have been advertising their good deeds for decades. And how do they advertise?With paper. Paper from trees that theycut down together in their evil anti-environment rituals.”“This is true,” said long-time Earthworks member EvanCohen. “But the point is, when we cutdown trees, it is with good intentions.We don’t poison them first anddefame them, like they do in other environmental clubs. We just cut themdown with axes.”“This is part of the fun of Earthworks,” reports an anonymousmember. “It is kind of the big secretthat no one knows. But now thateveryone knows, well, I guess it does-n’t matter then.”“This Earthworks scandalis part of a larger epidemic,” saysPresidential Candidate HillaryClinton. “We need to stop thinkingabout ourselves and how we can cutdown trees and start thinking abouthow to help others cut down trees.”Deerfield Village Officialshave looked more closely into thescandal and have decided that it was-n’t worth pursuing. “Basically,” saidthe treasurer, “the trees aren’t the ones paying the taxes. And until they do, Isay: Earthworks, cut down those treesto advertise your environmentalistvalues.”Earthworks is doing allthey can to help destroy and save theenvironment simultaneously. “Thetwo really go hand in hand,” saysvocal member Evan Cohen. “If weneed to advertise for environmental-ism and happen to cut down a fewtrees in the process, so be it.”This no-nonsense attitudehas attracted a whole new array of members to Earthworks. “This new publicity is great for us,” says a mem- ber. “Who knows where we will gofrom here.”
Freshman Gets Carried Away With Pirate Dress-UpDay
By Lisa AllianDEERFIELD, IL—Freshman StudentJimmy Lunderman has taken dress-updays to a new level. The meager four-teen year old boy, unaware of allunwritten rules of social normalcy,turned himself into a full-fledgedsixty year old pirate.“I was really going for effect,” said the discreet Lunderman.“I probably spent one hundred andtwenty dollars in props, consideringhow I bought the beard, the hat, thesword, the makeup, the costume, andthe stilts, because at five-two, I amnot convincing anyone that I am a pirate.”But don’t let that fool any-one. In full getup thesix foot JimmyLunderman couldeasily be mistakenfor a Treasure Islandor Pirates of theCaribbean character.“Ihaven’t seen Jimmytoday,” said his bestfriend YuliBelatross. “Usuallyhe is easy to pick out in his smallstature and braces, but I think he gotthose removed, justfor the sake of pirate dress-up day.”“It also took my mom five hours andeleven minutes to put onthe makeup,” said a shyJimmy, “But who’scounting anyways?”“He wins an Afor effort,” remarks theStudent Council president. “This isreally what we arelooking for fromour student popu-lation: Afirstclass attitude anda really good cos-tume.”
Jimmy Lunderman inhis winning costumeAPPHOTOThis is our earth now, but what will it be if Earthworks keeps cutting down trees?

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