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³The Wisdom of Age´By Kathleen FitzgeraldMarch 15, 2011 (Version #1)Writing IVCASTGAMMIE
± Lily¶s grandmother
L
I
LY
± 25-year-old(LILY enters hospice room. GAMMIE sitting in chair by window.)LILYHow¶s my favorite grandma?GAMMIEStill kickin it in the land of the living.LILY(Laughs) Been reading the urban word-a-day calendar I sent you?GAMMIEDo cats crap in boxes?(Pause.)(Pause.)They do. I¶ve been reading it.LILYHuhu « hu. SWhat¶s new?GAMMIEI¶m old; nothing¶s new. Pick another Jeopardy category.LILYWant to help run flashcard drills for my med school exam?GAMMIEYou stopped by to make me wish for death, didn¶t you?(LILY makes noises of discomfort.)Fine. You have the flashcards?(LILY hands GAMMIE the flashcards. GAMMIE holds up first card.)
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LILYHematoma « not to be confused with hemangioma, a hematoma is a pocket of blood gathered in the tissue, usually the result of a hemorrhage.GAMMIEI ever tell you about my friend Maury who died of a blood clot on his 79
th
birthday? Boy faceplanted into an Entenmann¶s crumble cake. 20 minutes later pronounced dead at Lady Victory¶s Triumphant Heavensgate of the SaintlyApostles Hospital.LILYSounds awful.GAMMIESounds great. I only hope that my last moments spent on this Milky Way turd iswith a face full of cake.(GAMMIE raises next flashcard.)LILYPancreatic Cancer. One of the more fatal cancer diagnoses, pancreatic cancer often occurs in smokers or overweight persons and is usually not caught until it¶smetastasized.GAMMIEMy first lover died of pancreatic cancer.LILYWho was that?GAMMIEDonald Fitzpatrick of the Long Island Fitzpatricks. I loved that big-boned Mic withall my heart, soul, and the upper half of my body one night in June 1955. Wasready to let him round second base but Mother made me stop seeing him.LILYThat¶s unfortunate.GAMMIEDon¶t worry; I ultimately got a lot of pleasure out of this.(GAMMIE motions to her body. LILY frowns. GAMMIE pulls up another card.)LILY
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Autoimmune disease. Autoimmune disease is when your immune system growsoveractive and starts attacking your own bodily organs.GAMMIEYou hear about my lawyer friend who had that?LILYNo.GAMMIEGuy was going to get pulled before the grand jury but it was determined that hehad too much immunity.(GAMMIE cracks herself up.)LILYHah. Good one.GAMMIEKaka. Do you think I have Alzheimer¶s?LILYNo «GAMMIEThen why the hell in Satan¶s icebox are you acting like this is normal?LILYLike what¶s normal?GAMMIEYou being here « in my nursing home « for the first time in over a year.LILYI wanted to see you.GAMMIEWouldn¶t believe that steaming pile if I saw it come out of the horse¶s ass myself.LILYApart from your Tourette¶s I do love you.GAMMIEThere¶s no money, if that¶s what you¶re after. I gave it all to PETA after my catdied of feline AIDS.
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The Second City Writing IV: Sketch about something serious
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