Dear Ms.

Labelle,

High school senior Nadia Godunov struggles to reclaim her life. (This is good, but it doesn’t
stand out enough. Try something like this. “Russian-born, teenage violinist Nadia Godunov
struggles to reclaim her life after a tragic accident crushes her dream.”)

When the Russian-born violinist moves to Riverwood, Virginia, she attends public high school
for the first time, dates popular drummer and fellow senior Marcus Giovanni, and heads to her
first homecoming dance. After a deer leaps in front of Marcus’s SUV, both teenagers’ lives Comment [LL1]: This is all backstory 
change tempo forever. and doesn’t belong in a query blurb. 
Comment [LL2]: This sentence, or 
Nadia awakens in the hospital from a three-day coma with a broken left hand and is devastated the idea behind this sentence, should be 
included, but not here.  We don’t need 
to learn she may never play the violin again – and worse yet, her boyfriend, Marcus, died in the to know that a deer caused the accident.  
accident. She must battle to overcome her grief and guilt but her fear of (what?) is Since I cut the part about Marcus being 
overwhelming. She has to find a way to… (fill in the blank.) But when the broken bones heal in her boyfriend, we no longer know who 
her hand, her fingers refuse to find the correct notes, shattering her dream of going pro. he is.  And, “change tempo” is too wordy.  
Their lives change forever.   In any case, I 
think you can move this information 
, so her new-found telekinetic abilities allow her to retain her virtuoso status. She fights to find around.  See below. 
acceptance from her peers and love from her new boyfriend Derek Smith. Just as her life turns Deleted: –
normal, an undead Marcus waltzes into her life, and he wants her back.
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A 68,000-word paranormal novel for young adults, Virtuoso explores one young woman’s Deleted: is dead.
journey to find herself through grief, guilt, and love. Deleted: ¶
¶

I have various short stories published in magazines and anthologies. I am a member of the Deleted: s
Virginia Writers Club and Valley Writers, and placed third in Roanoke Valley's Big Read writing Deleted: ,
contest. Deleted: , and
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Thank you for your time and consideration.
Comment [LL3]: I don’t know enough 
about your story, so I’m not sure how 
Cherie Reich she discovers these powers or how they 
help her retain her virtuoso status.  
Without going into too much details, you 
need to explain this more. 
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Cherie,
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Thanks for allowing me to critique your query and post it on my blogs. Reading is subjective Comment [LL4]: I think you can cut 
this.  It doesn’t add to the blurb. 
and, to a certain extent, so is editing. Take what works and ignore the rest.
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I think you have the potential for a great query, but it’s not there yet. There isn’t enough Comment [LL5]: I love this ending, 
but I’m wondering if it should be the 
information here for us to know what happens in the story. We know that she and Marcus were ending of the blurb or just the paragraph.
in a car accident. He died, and she lost the use of her hand (to some degree). Then, he comes
Comment [LL6]: This is good.  You 
back from the dead to get her. We don’t know what that means. Is he blaming her and wants to show you’re serious about writing. 
kill her? Is he still in love with her and wants to be a couple again? How does she feel about
this? Obviously, there’s more to the plot than that or this would be a short story and not a novel.
Dig deeper and reveal more. How can you do that? Without having read the story, it’s hard for
me to say exactly. Since Marcus doesn’t have a POV in the story, you can’t give him his own
paragraph in the blurb, but we need to understand exactly what he wants and what happened to
him. You’ll have to show this through her eyes. Think of it this way, your blurb ends with
Marcus coming back, but I’m sure that’s just where the story begins (or really gets going). We
need to know more about what happens next (without spoiling the ending.) I know from
reading your GMCs that he’s a vampire, but this isn’t clear here. Nor is it clear how or why he
became one.

Please rework this and send it back to me for another critique.

Lynnette Labelle

www.labelleseditorialservices.com
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