Professional Documents
Culture Documents
“James Warner has revived the fine art of the farce, of us-
ing the absurd to reveal deep, disturbing truths. In this novel
he takes us on a wild romp through Silicon Valley, Bezerkeley,
Arizona, and Mexico, with pit stops in academia, politics, relig-
ion, love, and survivalism. The perfect blend of intelligence and
humor make All Her Father’s Guns a blast to read.” – Frances
Lefkowitz, author of To Have Not
A Novel
“It could be, after all, that God is not sleeping but hiding from
us out of fear.”
– Elias Canetti, The Secret Heart of the Clock
All Her Father’s Guns 9
REID
ished telling me I was wasting my life. “Why can’t you just ask
Lyllyan?” I asked.
“She won’t take sides between her mother and me,” Cal ex-
plained. “Tabytha’s trying to reopen the divorce settlement. She
says I misled the court about my true net worth. She needs more
money for her Congressional bid. Well, I’ve bankrolled enough
losing ventures over the years, and my ex-wife’s political career
isn’t about to be next.”
Perhaps I could have said no, I didn’t want to get involved. But
helping keep Tabytha out of Congress felt like my civic duty.
Tabytha made Cal look positively left-wing.
“She says I took funds from a business I owned in Singapore to
pay my legal fees, and reported that as a debt instead of as addi-
tional income. And I failed to disclose some of the stock options I
received through the Galahad Group, yada yada yada. If Tabytha
can convince a judge that assets were hidden from the court at the
original hearing, the whole settlement could be up for grabs again.
But once she knows I’ve got some dirt on her that could shoot down
her campaign, our divorce retrial will be over faster than one of
Charlie Manson’s parole hearings. I think the nanny’s name was
Maria.” Cal glanced at his gold Rolex. “How’s Lyllyan doing?”
“Fine,” I said.
“She’s happy?”
“Think so.”
“Make sure she stays that way.” Cal reached into his inside
pocket, and I was half-expecting a bullet with my name carved onto
it, like the ones he used to present to guys who took Lyllyan out on
dates in high school.
According to Lyllyan, this is why she didn’t lose her virginity
until after Cal lost custody.
Instead, he gave me a card. “If you ever want a real job, a
company I know’s looking for a rookie technical writer. Very well-
thought-out business plan. And another thing. Someone told me a
third of the offices in Berkeley are rented by therapists.”
I braced myself for another rant.
But instead, he wanted a referral. “This is awkward for me,”
he explained. “I don’t want the word going around that I’m feeling
the pressure.”
12 James Warner
CAL
Igloo’s bride Erin was talking to one of Z.T.’s sons. Erin was a
former Miss Philadelphia and occasional lingerie model who looked
around nineteen. I noticed she’d had her tongue pierced.
Locating Igloo in the living-room with Erin, I gave them their
wedding present, an M72 bazooka. When Erin had quit thanking
me for it, she said, “You were smart not to go to the stag party, Cal.
Drinking with Igloo is a way bad idea.”
“I hardly drink at all nowadays,” Igloo said, snaring a glass of
Napa cabernet from a passing tray. “Not like I used to, I mean.
Back in the mid 1970s, I was meant to recruit a junior diplomat
from the Soviet Embassy in Bogotá. For months I did nothing but
hang out with him, and we’d meet for breakfast and eat a lot, so we
could drink more. Then for the rest of the day we just pounded back
shots of vodka until we passed out.”
Erin laughed the way people do when they figure they’re sup-
posed to be laughing.
I told Igloo, “You must have learned a lot of things from that
guy that enhanced our national security.”
“That’s the funny thing,” Igloo said. “By the next morning I
never remembered a thing he’d said. I was under orders not to
write anything down. Actually the whole period from U.S. troops
leaving Vietnam to the Soviets entering Afghanistan is kind of a
blur. Maybe I screwed up and told him something, and that’s why
they never promoted me to GS-15.”
“You’re so funny when you’re drunk,” said Erin. “It’s cute.”
“After that they transferred me to Calcutta,” Igloo said, “to let
off stink bombs at trade union meetings and hand out condoms
filled with itching powder at Communist Party functions. You know
the drill.”
Erin offered me a beer, but I said no. To my way of thinking,
you shouldn’t drink around guns, and you shouldn’t ever not be
around guns, so you shouldn’t drink, period. “Excuse me, boys,”
said Erin, “I need to go to the ladies’ room.”
“Got to say hi to some people,” Igloo said.
Z.T. and I went out to the patio. Lu’au torches flamed at the
foot of the Olympic-sized swimming pool. Waiters offered us Chil-
ean sea bass and pancetta-wrapped scallops. As we walked past the
deep end, hieroglyphs of light formed on the water, and I began to
feel queasy.
All Her Father’s Guns 15
The boy was Erin’s son from a former marriage, although Igloo
had hinted to me that he was the boy’s real father. I apologized to
the kid, who nodded meekly and lay down again on the pool bot-
tom, watching me through the aquamarine ripples.
He sure had Igloo’s ears.
“Hey Cal, I wish I had a camcorder,” one of Z.T.’s sons called.
The water was only three feet deep. I was soaked up to my waist,
and the chlorine was wrecking my Brooks Brothers pants. I’d
misread the situation, like a nuclear early warning system mistak-
ing Brent geese for ICBMs. Z.T. was covering his mouth, trying not
to laugh.
I hate swimming pools.
They make me think of mass graves.
Water slapped against ceramic tiles. Our investors stood
around the rim, hands behind their backs, some giving me weird
looks, others turning away. A nervous-looking CEO leaned over
and reached out a hand to help me out. I glared back, the tiny
waves I’d made lapping against my flesh, understanding something
was missing in my life. It was like I’d lost something, in a place I’d
forgotten.
I let the guy pull me out of the pool, then picked up my Black-
berry and went indoors to e-mail Viorela Kescu.
“Sorry I came unglued there,” I said. “You know what they say.
Americans think problems have solutions. Europeans think solu-
tions have problems.”
“What happens,” Viorela told me, “is one desires a solution,
then to justify imposing it, one fantasizes a problem.”
I grappled with that for a while. The business mindset is
there’s always a solution. “My car’s out of commission,” I said. “We
both know you’re not doing anything for the next forty-five min-
utes. Know somewhere good to eat around here?”
“What do you like to eat?”
“First tell me what you like.”
“Pheasant,” she said. “Rabbit. Most game. Venison.”
“How about buffalo?”
“Buffalo meat is good,” she said. “Cooked rare. But best of all?”
“I know what you’re going to say.”
“Horseflesh,” she said.
“Exactly.”
“It is illegal, though, in California.”
“I can get it for you. Wild horse meat from the plains of Ka-
zakhstan. Igloo has contacts there. Look, do you want to go see a
movie first?”
“There is a late Godard film playing at the Pacific Film Ar-
chive in half an hour.”
I’d been thinking more along the lines of “Mutant Arachnids
5,” but I said, “Sure. You’ll have to drive though. And let’s get
something to drink first. I’m parched.”
Once the garage owner showed up in his tow truck, I signed
some forms, then Viorela drove me in her white Subaru to a café in
Albany that was known for defying the California smoking ban.
She’d changed into a black skirt with a red top, and a jacket
with a zebra-skin pattern. She also wore leather boots. As we
entered the café, the waitress recognized Viorela and hurried over
with an ashtray.
The place was closing, and somebody was stacking plastic
chairs. Past the café windows swarmed late-returning commuters.
Viorela ordered a vodka straight up, and I asked for a Gatorade.
She rested her foot on top of mine. “Why don’t you run your own
business?” she asked. “Instead of helping other people to start
theirs?”
All Her Father’s Guns 21
“You run into more liabilities that way. I guess I’m happier
coaching people? But maybe you’re right. Maybe I’d be happier as
an individual private investor, you know, an angel.”
Viorela said, “You’re already an angel.”
A bearded man in a lumberjack shirt sat reading a book of po-
ems by Jimmy Carter. On the sidewalk, a child strapped into a
high-tech-looking stroller let out a wail. Viorela shuddered. “What’s
your deal?” I asked. “I don’t get you at all.”
The moon was already visible in the still-blue sky. “Early-
stage is meant to be a gamble,” Viorela said and, leaning across the
table, ran her hand breathtakingly through my hair.