i

FEMINIST PROTEST

A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they
decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes
they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the plan.
In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a
prostitute makes $2000 per night."
All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them:
"Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after
tomorrow."

VIBRATING HUSBAND

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming
from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter
naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is
the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound
coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter
naked on a sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is
the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time
coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching
television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing" She asked.
He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

ANOTHER

An elderly couple were driving across the country.

The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai.
The Garda said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The Garda said, "May I see
your license?"
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave him her license.
The Garda said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had
the worst date I have ever had."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

DISGRACING THE FAMILY

There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she
told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He
is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that,
but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs;
ii

you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on
top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him
do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not
wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that
her date went just as the old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I
turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

CANARIES

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their
position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks
on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and
looks about with considerable pride.

Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much
money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell
you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on
his erect penis."

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to
make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you
about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two
weeks."

The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he
bought me a Plymouth."

"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number
thirteen has to stand on Mother Of Six

FATHER OF SIX CHILDREN

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. In fact, he is so
proud of himself and his ability to impregnate that he starts referring to his wife
as "Mother of Six" despite her constant objections.

One night, they get a chance to leave the kids behind with a sitter and go to a
party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife
is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home,
Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime
you're ready, Father of Four."

TRIP TO EUROPE

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself
from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
iii

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow
and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every
day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to
Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid
her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches
and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food
and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he’s screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry".
STAYING YOUNG

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a
new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks
her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I
am?"
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he
stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"
DATING YOUNG

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status,
she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to
stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her
daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box
of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her
about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom!
You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
GOLFING WITH THE WIFE
A man staggers into casualty with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around
his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the
man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball
into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows
had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball
-- stuck right in the middle of the ... well that's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
iv

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
FREE MEAT

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a
baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news
that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager
who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be
16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother,
when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get,
and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said,
"Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk,
and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face.
WHAT DAY IT IS

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know
what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was
handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil
wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique
delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
COLD HANDS

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When
they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he
says,”‘ Honey, my hands are freezing!” She says, “Well put them between my
thighs and that will warm them up.”
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says
again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!” She says again, “Well. put them
between my thighs and warm them up again.” He does, and again that warms
him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the
night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, “Honey, my hands are
really, really freezing.” She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don't your
ears ever get cold?”
ACCIDENTAL TOUCH

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go

to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he
does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns
to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll
forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
DIFFICULT QUESTION

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his
neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but
the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm
in the doghouse."
v

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was,
'Of course I do.'"
HAPPY GORRILA

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife
are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute,
Loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal
jeans and a T-shirt.
The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through
the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy
gorilla. Noticing the woman, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps
up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he
grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is
obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny.
He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom
at him, and play along.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making
noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps
fall to show a little more skin.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan
it at him." he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy
and now he's doing flips.
Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
door to the cage, slings her into the cage with the gorilla
and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a
headache . . . "
AUNT KAREN'S MORAL
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment... Get their parents to tell
them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the
car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke
and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we
raise chickens for the meat market.
We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live
chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're
hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a
machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed
vi

right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she
killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy
tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f#ck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"
REPRODUCING BULL
A couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday
afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of reproduction bulls. The guy
selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this
bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: "See! That was more
than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120
times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband: "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do
YOU say to that?!"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison... The third bull is up
for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: "That's once a day, every day of
the year! How about YOU?!"
The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back: "Sure, once a day! But
ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow!!!"
60 MINUTES PRESENT
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get
my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy
anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she
can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be
thrilled."
Adam decided to to his friend's advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the
door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
TATOO GIFT
It's a couples Anniversary and the woman decides to do something nice for her
husband so she goes to a tattoo parlour and says "can I have the initials of my
husband tattooed onto my ass please? I would like 'b' on one cheek and 'b' on
another cheek."
After the tattoo is finished she goes home pulls her trousers down and bends over
infront of her husband and her husband says "Who's Bob?!."
DATING A DENTIST
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to
the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his
hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"
The girl says, "Easy... you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another
vii

and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a great
dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist... How did
you figure that out?" The girl says, "Easy... I didn't feel a thing!"
DEAD HUSBAND
A woman goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a
crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a
widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She
met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I
be found guilty?"
LETTERS OF LOVE
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the
doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?"
asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he
never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her
blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your
chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it
that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her
blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at
Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
BAD SHAPE
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,the
doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with
horrible stress.
If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix
him a healthy breakfast.
Try to be pleasant in general, and make sure he stays in a good mood.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare something nice and
healthy again.
Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your
problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and
satisfy his every whim. "If you can do this for the next 1 to 2
months, I think your husband will regain his health completely.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're
going to die," she replied.
ADVICE FOR WOMEN
Advice From Men To Women...
Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'...

If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not
viii

watching it....

Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one....

Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during
commercials....

Please don't drive when you're not driving....

Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one
another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline....

The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not
crying. Big difference!...

When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

UNDER THE TABLE

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking
another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly
sliding down his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned.
Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight
under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that
John had disappeared under the table.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said
to the woman,
"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he
just walked in the front door."
PURIFYING WATER
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to
enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. He asks the first nun, "Sister Karen have you
ever had any contact with a penis???"
The nun giggles and replies, "Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of
my finger."
St Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the
gate.
St Peter asks the next nun the same question. "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had
any contact with a penis.."
The nun is a little reluctant but reply's
"Well I once fondled and stroked one..
St Peter says, "OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate..."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the
line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she
reaches the front of the line St Peter says "Sister, what seems to be the rush???"
The nun replys "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before
Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!"
MAGIC CURE
Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when
they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The
theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and
tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first,
ix

but he agrees to do it. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some
privacy. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What
happened?" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, "I dont know...I think she
choked."
AT THE DENTIST
A man and wife entered a dentist's office.
The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in
a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is.
The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist
which tooth it is, dear."
SOME MARRIAGE'S INSIGHTS
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

-- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

-- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

-- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said,
"In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

-- Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

-- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured

at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success.
Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman.
Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I

was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than

to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to

interrupt her.
x

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got

two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are beautiful.
QUESTION OF HEIGHT
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws
in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her
supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit
against the man and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker
telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget!"
CAUSE FOR UNREST
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman... Since then, neither God nor man has rested
BRAIN'S CHANGE RESULT
Three women are out shopping at an antique shop. They stumble upon an unusual
lamp. A voice heard from a genie within the lamp begs to be set free in return for
granting each of them a wish.

Now one of the women just doesn't believe it, and says: "Ok, if you can really
grant wishes, than double my I.Q." The genie says: "Done." Suddenly, the woman
starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analysing it with extreme insight.

The second woman is so amazed she says to the genie : "Triple my I.Q." The genie
says: "Done." The woman starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to
problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics,
chemistry, etc.

The last woman is so enthralled with the changes in her friends, that she says to
the genie: "Quintiple my I.Q." The genie looks at her and says: "You know, I
normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really
wish you'd reconsider." The woman says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q.
times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," says the genie
"You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on the
universe...won't you ask for something else...a million dollars, anything?" But no
matter what the genie said, the woman insisted on having her I.Q. increased by
five times it's usual power. So the genie sighed and said: "Done."

And she became a man.

RELIGIOUS TITS
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest
department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter
and said. 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife'

'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

xi

'Type?' inquires the man 'There is more than one type?'

'Look Around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size
color and material.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,'
replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied 'The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist
type. Which one do you need?'

Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?'

The lady responded 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the
masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type
makes mountains out of mole hills.
A HUMAN CAR PERFORMANCE
Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."

The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump
on while it's still going."
RIDING WITH AN INDIAN
A young woman from New York City was driving through a remote part of
Oklahoma when her car broke down.
An Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift to a nearby
town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride into town was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would
let out a loud whoop that echoed back from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in Bartlesville, he let her off at the local Phillips 66 service
station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station
attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and
held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."
KUWEIT WEDDING
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the
Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet
behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several
yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation.

"This is marvelous," said the journalist."What enabled women here to achieve this
reversal of roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Landmines."

xii

ITALIAN VIRGIN
Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very
inexperienced around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her
mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. Don't worry
Maria,' says the mother. 'Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of
you.'

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed
his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama,
Tony's got a big hairy chest.' 'Don't worry, Maria,' says his mother. 'All good men
have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his
pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama,
Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs.'
'Don't worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs
and he'll take good care of you.

'So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his
left foot he was missing the better part of three toes. When Maria saw this, she
ran downstairs.

'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot-and-a-half.'

'Stay here and stir the pasta,' says the mother.

'This is a job for Mama!'

HYPNOTIST ERROR
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.

As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, "Unlike most stage
hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a
trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from her coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.
Its been in my family for six generations."

She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... "

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped
from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

LOST BALL
xiii

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my
wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows
had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure
enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's
butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,

"Hey, this looks like yours!"
CINDERELLA'S WISHES
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince,
she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front
porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella
said: 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?'
The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good,
wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there
anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and
almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond
comprehension.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella
was stunned.

Cinderella said 'Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It
is the least I can do. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her
frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.'

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful
visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for
years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very
soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish, what shall
you have?'

Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. 'I
wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young
man.' Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the
like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to
fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.' With
a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella
sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and
held her close in his muscular arms.
xiv

He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered,
blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, 'I bet you regret having my balls
chopped off now, don't you?'

FOURTH HUSBAND
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first
husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
THE VENTRILOQUIST
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a
small town called Weipa. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his
usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair
and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes
you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who
keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and
from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue
to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and
all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You
stay out of this,mister! I'm talking to that little prick on your knee."
COINCIDENCE
A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern, takes a seat at the bar next to a
woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How
about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turns to her and says,
"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a
special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a
coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you
celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my
gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a
chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally
fertile." "That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replies. "What a coincidence," she said.
FACE LIFT
A woman in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her
about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the
back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the
effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the
course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were
wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years,
the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All of these years,
everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and
I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
"First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of
xv

them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are
your breasts." She sighed and said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about
the goatee ...."
GET ME THE MANAGER
A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger
establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over
immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his
face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which
is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?"
she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands."No" he replies, "I''m just
the manager."
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him."
She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can’t," breathes the manager clearly aroused," he''s in the back doing
taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."
She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to suck them gently.
"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
MEN SUPER STORE
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a
husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a
man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to
leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping
center to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women
read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving
kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely
good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking,
love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further
up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic
streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So
up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that
women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."
WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE?
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes
home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom
one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”
xvi

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a
favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you
change it for me?"
"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks
go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She
pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the
roof! Can you please fix it?"
He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a
beer and watched a game on TV.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak
on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he
found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the
husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's
running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran
into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed
everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just
said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she
said.
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell
do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
NAKED ACCIDENT
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled
with the speed. "If I do 150mph will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes"
said the girl.
When he got to 150mph, she peeled off her clothes. The boyfriend couldn't keep
his eyes on the road,and soon went off into the woods, crashing the car. She was
flung clear of the wreckage, but he was stuck
between the steering wheel and the seat.
"Go and get help" he cried
"But I can't, I'm naked and my clothes are gone" said the girl.
"Take my shoe and cover your fanny Go quickly"
She came up on a service station and said to the bloke behind the counter "Quick
help me, my boyfriend's stuck" The bloke looked at the shoe and said "There's
nothing I can do lady, he's in way too far"

MATHS AND LOGIC

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the
other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far
away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight
and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.What can we
do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to
walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way.
He cannot follow us both.
xvii

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the
convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives...
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he
followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he
started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with
his pants down........
(And those of you who thought it would be a dirty ending, Pray for forgiveness you
heathens!)
VIRGIN'S CONFESSION
A sixteen year-old virgin girl has a bad day, so she goes to visit her priest after
hours in his office. Late that evening, she goes to his office for guidance and
confession.
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
" Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?" the priest asked.
" Because, Father, he touched me on my arm without permission."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he touched her arm.
" Yes, Father."
" That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
" But, Father, he also touched my breasts."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he touched her breasts.
" Yes, Father."
" That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
" But, Father, he took off my clothes."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he removed her clothes.
" Yes, father."
" That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
" But, Father, then he put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he put his you-know-what in her you-know-
where."
" Yes, Father."
" That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
" But, Father, he has herpes!
Remarked the Father, "That son-of-a-bitch!
GREAT FEMALE COMEBACKS
Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"

Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man "Is this seat empty?"

xviii

Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man "Your place or mine?"

Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman "It's in the phone book."

Man "But I don't know your name."

Woman "That's in the phone book too."

Man "So what do you do for a living?"

Woman "I'm a female impersonator."

Man "What sign were you born under?"

Woman "No Parking."

Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"

Woman "Do not Enter"

Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Woman "Unfertilized"

Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."

Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man "I know how to please a woman."

Woman "Then please leave me alone."

Man "I want to give myself to you."

Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man "I can tell that you want me."

Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy

Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man "Your body is like a temple."

Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."
xix

Man "I'd go through anything for you."

Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."

Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?"
LOOKING YOUNG
A woman was in the kitchen cooking dinner and she was just singing,
humming and giggling all over herself. Her husband asked her why she was
so happy. She said, "I went to the doctor today and he said
I have the breasts of a twenty year old."

The husband then asked, "What did he say about your fifty year old ass?"

"Your name didn't come up in our conversation." She replied.

TRUE LOVE
A husband and wife went to dinner and celebrated their fiftieth wedding
anniversary. Afterwards they returned home and went to their patio to relax with
a glass of wine and to reflect on their fifty years together.

After a while the husband said to his wife: Honey in all the years together, was
there ever a time when you were unfaithful to me?

The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one time early in our
marriage. Remember when you had lost your job and the bank was going to
foreclose on the house. I made a trip to town, saw the banker and we got the loan
extended until you returned to work.

The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey, you saved our home; I guess I
can’t really hold it against you for being unfaithful that one time. Was there ever
another time?

The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one other time.
Remember when you had gotten sick and needed an operation or you would die,
but we didn’t have any insurance. I made a trip to town, saw the doctor and you
got the operation..

The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey, you saved my life; I guess I
can’t really hold it against you for being unfaithful that time either. Was there
another time?

The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Well there was just one other time.
Remember when you were running for club president and you only needed 58
more votes………..
CAN'T COOK
A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to
face the beginning of their new lives.
The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to
the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the husband inquires, "What's
wrong, Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I
can't cook or clean." The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there
sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom
and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So off they went to the bedroom.
xx

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying
again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?" "Well, the same thing as this
morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."
Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom
and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new
bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH
down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing,
Honey?" "Warming up your supper!" she replies.
WHY MEN CAN'T WIN
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and
find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you
bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.

If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.

If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.

If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping
around
THE INTERVIEW
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one
woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the
circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have
to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
xxi

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into
the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with
tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took
the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They
heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat
from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I
had to beat him to death with the chair."
PERMANENT ERECTION
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman
he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister
owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which
causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what
you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store
and $5000 in cash.

MORTICIAN IN SHOCK
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies
before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he
made an amazing discovery:
Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be
cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for
posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his
briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"

LABOR PILLS
Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the
pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new
experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the
father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.
The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, "I don't feel a
thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this." So the wife
takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill.
Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is
feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that
women are complete wuses. He tells her, "Take another pill. This isn't hurting me
at all. Let me take all the pain away." So she does. Now they are both feeling
great.
A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The next day they
take their newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the
xxii

doorstep.
SLOW DRIVER
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police
Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is
just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver
over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front
seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was
doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
”Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that
driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State
Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route
number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked
the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These
women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole
time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

DOCTOR'S WIFE
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After
many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
SAVING UP
On the fourth day of their honeymoon, the 21 year old bride was begging for
mercy from her 75 year old husband. Rather than endure yet another lovemaking
session, she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel
coffee shop.
The waitress, who had served the couple breakfast each day, was shocked at the
woman's appearance.
"Honey, you're just a young thing," she remarked, "but you look like hell. What's
up?"
"I've been double-crossed," the miserable bride moaned. "When he said he'd been
saving up for 50 years, I thought he meant CASH!"
LAST REQUEST
Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday
morning service as he always does when
Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last
requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
xxiii

"What did he ask, Mary?"

Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"
FIRM IT UP!
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched
her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control
top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and
said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his
penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we
could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."
GIRLS NIGHT OUT
Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly
over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their
business behind a head stone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her
panties, use them, then throw them away.
Her friend, however, was wearing
a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was
lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and
proceeded to wipe herself with that.
After finishing, they then made off for home.
The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said,
"These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night
without her panties."
"That's nothing, said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck
between the cheeks of her
ass that said, "From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget
You."
FUNERAL
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most
unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second black hearse just 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her 200 women walking single file.
The woman's curiosity got the best of her. She respectfully approached the
woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is
it?"
The woman replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
The woman was even more inquisitive, "Well, who's in the second hearse?"
"My-mother-in law. She tried to help my husband when the dog turned on her and
killed her too."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."
SEX ON THE BEACH
A policeman sent his wife and child to a sea resort for a vacation. After a week he
joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to
xxiv

make love with his wife.

- No darling, we can’t do it here, our kid is watching us.
- You are right, lets go to the beach.
After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a
policeman run into them.
- Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can’t do that in public.
- You are right - said the husband - but it was a moment of weakness. We didn’t
see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very
embarrassing if you fine me.
- Don’t worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third
time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will
have to pay for it.
POOR SKUNK
There was a man and his wife walking down the road on their way home.
The wife saw a baby skunk laying in the grass, so she decided to take it home and
take care of it.

On the way home they came up to a river. The wife, concered for the skunk,
asked her husband what to do with the skunk so he doesn't get wet.
The husband replied: "well, stick him up your dress".
The wife, again concered, asked: "what about the smell?".
The husband replied: "awww, he'll get use to it."
CATCHING A TAN
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day,
but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she
slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone
running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel
over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the
hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your
sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a
bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked
rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a
towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room
skylight."

SAYING THE RIGHT THING

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his
eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the
side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless,
clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and
notices a note on the table.
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating Marty asks, "Son, what
happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after
3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave
yourself a black eye when you
stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast
is on the table waiting for me?"
xxv

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried
to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!".
WHO'S PENIS IS IT?
Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball,
suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over
his head and passes the three women.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my
husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis.
"He's not my husband either." She says, also not recognizing the unit.
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."
FAST DIVORCE
A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the
wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've
been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been
having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to
eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts,
and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, " The
airbag."

CHEATING STATUE
A woman and her lover are in bed together when the husband comes home. The
woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in
baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.
"Don't move! You're a statue!"
The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration.
The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their
bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.
The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets
a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to
the statue and says, "Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they
never fed me a thing!"
CREATION OF WOMEN
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked
him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a
woman.
He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover
clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you
xxvi

make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the
night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to
admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a
headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
FACE-LIFTING DEATH
A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a
near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it.
God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers, and decides
to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc.
She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the
most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by
an ambulance.
She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40
years?" To which God replies, "To tell you the truth, I didn't recognize you."

CHEATING BOYFRIEND
A blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her, so she bought a gun.
She went to his apartment that same day, with the pistol in hand. Sure enough,
when she opened the door, she found her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead.
Overcome with grief, she put the gun to the side of her head. Her boyfriend
screamed, “Honey, don’t do it...”
The blonde yelled back, “Shut up! You’re next!”
GENIE IN A BOTTLE
A husband and wife were having an argument. Suddenly the husband picked up a
bottle lying near him and threw it at his wife. The bottle missed the wife and got
into the neighbours' house breaking the window glass.
Now both the husband and wife got embarassed and went to apologise to the
neighbour. Upon reaching the house, they found out a young man sitting on a
couch with a smile on his face.
Before the couple could say anything, the man said, "I am a genie. I was enclosed
in that bottle for many years, but you two have set me free, so ask for any three
boons you want to and it shall be fulfilled. But against your three boons you will
have to fulfill one wish of mine".
The couple were so happy that they didn't think twice and presented their wishes.
"I want millions of dollars in my account", The husband said.
"Done", said the genie.
"I want diamond jewelleries in all my vaults".
"Done", said the genie.
"I want bunglows all over the world", said the husband.
"Done", said the geniee.
Now it was the time of the genies wish. "So" the genie said, "I have fulfilled all the
three wishes you have said, and its time for my wish. I have not slept with a
women for long. I wish to have sex with your wife.
The couple got worried, but the husband explained that it was only a genie and it
didn't matter much to him. Besides the genie has given them a lot of things. So
the wife consented.

The geniee and the wife had a lovely night together.

Finally in the morning the genie said, "it was wonderful but how old is your
xxvii

husband?"
"Why, he is just thirty five"
"My god ", said the geniee, "even at thirty five he still believes in geniees".
ESCAPED PRISONER
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs
away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only
finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a
chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the
neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband
tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He
probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he
tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry,
he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not
kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought
you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong,
honey, I love you, too."
CHRISTMAS TATOO
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a
tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also
wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and
it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on
her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't
mind, could you tell me why you had me
put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
She said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's
nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
MARRIAGE IS...
A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting,
but long enough to cover the bare essentials.

A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses, all from
men saying "You can have mine."

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your
mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A son asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father
replied, "I don't know son. I'm still paying for it."

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
xxviii

successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets.

A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." The
friend asked, "And what was he before you married him?" The woman replied, "A
multi-millionaire."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married
you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.

As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind:
aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]

Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y'
becomes silent.

Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.

Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.

I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married... and then it was too
late.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my
wife treats me like toxic waste.

I was engaged myself once, to a contortionist. But she broke it off.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say,
talk in your sleep.

If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would
you go to lunch or to a movie?

In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!

It doesn't matter how often a husband changes his job; he still ends up with the
xxix

same boss.

It's a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.

Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster.

Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the
woman gets her Master's.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo....

Marriage is grand... and divorce is about 10 grand.

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they
try to decide which one.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marry not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them.

Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made
sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gosh, I miss him!

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.

She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off
her.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep.

Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4

worse!

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for
xxx

dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to
keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong.

The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after
marriage it is self-defense.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
either the car is new or the wife.

Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride.

Wife says, "Honey, I've had enough of worse; let's try better for a while!"
BETTER NOT PULL HER OVER
A woman is driving her car when she is pulled over by a a cop.
He says to her: "Ma'am, may i see your licence please? you were speeding".
The woman answers: "Oh no, officer, I don't have a licence, they took it after the
4th time i was caught driving drunk.".
The officer replies: "That is serious. Give me the car's registration forms, please".
The woman answers: "Oh, this is not my car. I stole it from my boss after i killed
him. His body is in the trunk, by the way".
The cop is amazed and immidietly calls for backup while slowly moving away from
the car, his hand on his gun.
When backup comes, the chief of the police approaches the woman with his gun
pointed at her and orders her to get out of the vehicle.
The woman walks out, as ordered. Then the cheif says: "Ma'am, the officer said
you reported a dead body in your trunk. please open it".
The woman acts amazed and when she opens the trunk, there is nothing there.
The surprised cheif says: "Can i also see your driving-licence?".
The woman opens her wallet and hands her licence to him.
The chief says: "Well, i'm soory ma'am, i don't know what to say. The officer over
there told me you had a dead body in your trunk and that you didn't have a
licence".
The woman smiles and says: "bet you that bastard also told you i was speeding,
didn't he?"...
ATM MACHINE
How to use an ATM machine

MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
xxxi

5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card
6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance
from car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and put cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of cheque book
19. Re-check make-up again
20. Drive forward two metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided
24. Re-check make-up
25. Re-start stalled engine and move off
26. Drive for 3 - 4 miles
27. Release hand brake
WINNING THE LOTTERY
A woman gets home, schreeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house,
slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won
the damn lottery!"
The husband says, "Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"
The wife yells back, "I couldn't care less... just get the hell out!"
LOVING WIFE
A man was just recovering in hospital after being unconscious for a week. His wife
was sitting by his side when he woke up.
Man: Honey, you've been by my side when I was in that car crash, you were there
when I lost my job, you were present when my parents died, and you were by my
side when someone stole all my money from my account.....and you know what?
Wife: What?
Man: I think you're bad luck.
20 YEARS
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with
a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at
the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she
asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he
asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and
said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
xxxii

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten
out today."
POWDER VIAGRA
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for
years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a
headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a
powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He
won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her
what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terribly, doctor, terribly."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his
clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the
best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
ARSENIC
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
Surprised, the pharmacist asks, "Madam, what do you want with arsenic?"
The woman replies that she wants to kill her husband.
Horrified, the pharmacist says, "Madam, I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"
The woman reaches into her handbag, takes out a photograph and lays it down on
the counter. The photo shows a man and a woman in a sexually compromising
position. The man is her husband. The pharmacist recognises his wife as the
woman in the photograph.
The pharmacist picks up the photo and nods, "Ah, madam, I didn't realise you had
a prescription."
MARRIED WOMEN
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married
women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.
PERFUME
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like
expensive perfume. She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator
with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also
smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian
woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination
and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves she looks both beautiful
women in the eyes, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
HOW MUCH?
A Lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then spots
the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine
xxxiii

leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks
around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes
a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing
next to her is Andre a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching
it, you are going to SHIT when you hear the price."
PREGNANT
A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she
has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man,
with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps
out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the
father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation,
but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores,
2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories,
and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000
each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."
At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time,
places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:
"You'll screw her again
WOMAN WILL ALWAYS BE
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.
It's a bad one.Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of
them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's
interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but
fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and
be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! "
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants
us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle
to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement,opens it and drinks half the
bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back
to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police"
WILD THINKING
A teacher was trying to get one of her students to understand a math problem by
asking him this: If there are 3 birds on a powerline and a man shot one of them,
how many birds are left.
He answered none, because the gunshot scared the other birds away, she
xxxiv

answered back,"I like the way you think." Then the student asked the teacher if
there are three women sitting on a bench eating ice cream, one is licking the ice
cream, one is biting the ice cream, and the other is sucking the ice cream, which
of the three are married? The teacher turned bight red and said,"The one that is
sucking the ice cream." He answered,"No, the one with the wedding ring, BUT I
LIKE THE WAY U THINK."
FOUR ANIMALS
A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing
in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals.
My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said, "oh really, what
kind of animals did you want?'
The little old lady said "A mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in
my bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it
ILLNESSES
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were
spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne
and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww
- what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had folio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only
affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued
undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again
wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?"
she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing
continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Smallcox?"
REVENGE
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly
she got in her divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up on
the shore. Ten-fold she rubs the lamp and out pops a magical genie. The genie
notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation the genie
informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because
he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount
of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly
fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie
grants her wish and she finds herself sitting on a pile on one billion one-dollar
bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10
billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her
second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her
own private bach. In an instant it was granted, but then genie then reminds her
again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at
the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the
woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about
to give up on her, the women informs the genie that she wants to make her last
wish. But, before she can do this, the genie warns her that her ex-husband will get
ten times what she wishes for. “No problem,” said the woman as she grinned in
ecstasy. “For my last wish, I’d like to give birth to twins.”
xxxv

MARRIAGE
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best
friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just lying there,
the phone rings. Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver.
Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.
“Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy
for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye, bye.” She hangs up the
phone and her lover asks, “Who was that?” “Oh” she replies, “That was my
husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip
with YOU!”

SWEETHEART PRESENT
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as
they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair
of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstorm and
bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves
and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young
man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note :
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when
we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen
the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to
remove.These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me
the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly
soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was
there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in
contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as
they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will
kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday
night. All my Love"
"PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
A DYING MAN'S COOKIES
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies
wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and
lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly
made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort
forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both
hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame,
gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the
kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic
love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the
table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched
lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his
mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and
withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
xxxvi

wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
USE MORE SOAP
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes
back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses
a note to the Chinaman that says,
"Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the
laundry.
Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said,
"Use more paper on ass
DON'T MESS WITH WOMEN
One day, this lady is golfing, and she hits her ball in the woods. she goes to look
for it, and intead finds a frog in a trap.
Hey, it says. Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes.
Ok, she says. So she frees it, and it says,
Sorry, forgot to tell you. whatever you get, your husband gets ten times the
amount of whatever it is you wish for.
Ok, fine.
So, the frog asks, what's your first wish?
I want to be the most beautiful women in the world.
Fine, it says. Suddenly, she's gorgeous.
You are the most beatiful woman. But now your husband is ten times more
handsom than you.
Thats ok, she say. He only has eyes for me.
Whats your second wish? it asks her.
I want to be the richest woman in the world. The frog then says, ok, but now your
husband is ten times richer.
Thats ok she says. Whats his is mine, whats mine is his.
OK, the frog says. that is your last wish. what is it gonna be?
I want a mild heart attack
ED ZACHARY
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she
had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with
her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise
of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang,

the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went
to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang
said, "OK, take off all you crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder
side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery
fass back to me."
So she did.
Dr.Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your
probrem vewy bad - you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse
case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Terrified., the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang,
xxxvii

what is Ed Zachary Disease?

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,
"Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary
rike your ass."
FEMALE AT DIFFERENT AGES
What's the difference between female at the ages of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 and 58?

08 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed.
38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story.
TEST RESULTS
Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we
have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples
from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is
your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
Mr. Smith says, "What do you mean?"
The receptionist replies, "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer
disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife."
Mr Smith exclaims, "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"
The receptionist calmly replies, "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife
off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't go to bed with her."
THE SINS OF LEROY
Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided
that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well
Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy
you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for
one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He
finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.
Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Leroy
Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat), so he
ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.
Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Your Truly,
Leroy
Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest, so he tore it up and tried
again.
Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?
Leroy
Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his
mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of
almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and
went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the
way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally
found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt
down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got
xxxviii

up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of
a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it
under his bed and wrote this letter.
Jesus,
I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike!
Sincerely,
You know who
VIRGIN BRIDES
A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short
time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get
started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with
a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said
nothing but "Maxwell House". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the
kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said, "good, till the last drop".
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card
from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges".
Mon now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, she read from the B & H
pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy
for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week
nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then, after a whole month, a
card finally arrived. Written on it shaky words: "British Airways". Mom took out her
latest Harper Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst and
finally and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day,
seven days a week, both ways".
Mom fainted.
THE PORCUPINE & THE PORSCHE!
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche???

With a Porsche, the prick is on the inside!!!!

THE COFFIN
This guy died with an erection. It was to big for the mortician to put him
in a coffin, so the wife told the mortician to cut it off and shove it up
his ass. The next day at the funeral the wife saw a tear in her dead
husband's eye. She bent over and said, "I told you it hurts you fucking
bastard."
3 WOMEN IN A BAR...
3 women are sitting in a bar discussing the size of their pussies. The first woman
says;"mine's so big that my boyfriend can fit his whole fist in there!"
the second woman replies with;"that's nothing. mine's so big that my boyfriend
can fit both fists up there".
The third woman smiles to herself as she slides down the bars tool.
SIMPLE DIVISION
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that
reads:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her):
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my
beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as
follows:
xxxix

Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you
receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile
18 year old toy boy.
You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many
more times than 54 goes into 18.
A Drunk And The Podiatrist's Receptionist
An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's
office instead and weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up, she waves
him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."
Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it
through the crack in the curtains.
"That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist.
"Holy shit, lady. I didn't know you had a minimum!", replied the drunk.
The Elderly Have Fun Too
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex
shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across
the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales
clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddildosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos.
Actually we carry many models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn
inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn
ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"
A Lease On Love
A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night
with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any
cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to
her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole
event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and
enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not
sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was
under the impression that:
• it had never been occupied;
• that there was plenty of heat
• that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with
the following note:
Dear Sir:
xl

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain
unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to
turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you
don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
The Koala Bear Defined
A koala bear was approached by a prostitute. Since he had never been with one
before, he was curious and excited. They spent the night together in a hotel, and
he went down on her the next morning one last time before departing.
As he was heading for the door, the prostitute yelled, "Hey, what about my
money?" The koala turned, gave her a puzzled look and shrugged his shoulders.
She said, "Come here", and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to
the word "prostitute" and its definition, "Has sex and gets paid."
Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word
"koala" and showed her, "Eats bush and leaves."
50 Revised Rules for Women
These rules will hopefully help women understand men:
SportsCenter starts at 10:00 pm and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills,
put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
Even if its a common cold or a sprained ankle, no one, ever, has been in worse
shape.
Let us know how brave we are for dealing with that common cold or sprained
ankle.
Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to
dinner.
Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you
need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.
Overall, we can cook better than you, so if you make dinner, it better be good.
If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
Hangovers are never our fault, and we deserve sympathy.
Led Zeppelin and the Who are good make-out bands. Tori Amos, Alanis Morrisette
and Liz Phair are not.
The fact that your best friend just broke up with her boyfriend of two years does
not make the rest of us miserable pigs.
Even if we are miserable pigs, you'll have a tough time showing causality.
The Three Stooges are funny.
Butthead is the smart one.
Nobody actually reads Playboy, but you should humor us anyway.
Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
Briefs are a no-no, no matter what.
Hair jokes are not funny.
The genetic coding required to ask for directions is not contained in the Y
chromosome. Therefore, you need not bother suggesting that we stop.
Love our mothers.
Love our sisters.
xli

Really, really love our dogs.

Cats are not, in fact, approved pets for men.
We rank fish above cats.
You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the
relationship."
Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning,
and grocery shopping.
Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything
on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
A new suit costs $400 and we want it to look nice. We do care what you think.
A new tie costs less than $30. If we just spent $400 on a new suit, we sure as hell
don't want some flashy tie that focuses attention away from the damn thing. Let
us pick out our own ties.
Socks never constitute a gift.
Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed
linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or
sporting equipment nearby.
We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens
You could pay for dinner every now and then.
Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens"
rather than "Waterworld."
Curley is the bald one.
White wine is not necessarily better than a cold Geary's or a Fat Tire Amber.
Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mike Piazza, Teemu Selanne,
Shaquille O'Neal, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't
expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your
mother are up to.
Golf is a sport, and watching it on TV is a legitimate way to spend a weekend
afternoon.
Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation
are not.
Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even
better (reference rule
No, you can't have the remote control.
We do love you. We don't love many people, and we don't like to say it very often.
Too much of anything can diminish its value.
We can get the Sunday paper and read it, or we can cuddle, drink coffee and chat.
We cannot do both, so make up your mind, in advance.
xlii

Wear our clothes out in public, in front of our friends and in front of yours. Just
because we love you and want to show you off doesn't reduce your individuality.
If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All
the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
Physical Exam
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look
at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately
tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with
the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first
place."
Smartest thing out of a woman's mouth
What was the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?
Einstein's dick
Pussy or Bitch
After playing on the playground at school, Tommy came home with some new
words in his vocabulary. Puzzled at what they meant, he went to his mother.
"Mom, what's a pussy?" Not at all shocked by the question, she opened up an
encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a cat. He then asked "What's a bitch?"
Once again, not at all disturbed, she opened the encyclopedia and showed him a
picture of a female dog.
Confused, little Tommy then went to his father. "Dad, what's a pussy?" He felt
that it was time for his son to learn about life and opened up a porno and circled
the area between a womans legs. Enlightened, he then asked him, "Then what's a
bitch?" His father replied, "Everything outside of the circle."
3 best things about being a woman
The best three things for being a women are:
You can bleed without cutting yourself.
You can bury a bone without digging a hole.
You can make a man come without calling him.
Things a perfect woman would say
I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few
joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
xliii

I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
You're so sexy when you're hungover.
I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
Let's subscribe to Hustler.
Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
I'll be out painting the house.
I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on
Saturday too.
Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
Your mother did a great job raising you.
Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new
clubs.
I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. You go
hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get
that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
That was a great fart! Do another one!
I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...
Martian Lovin'
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough
frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of
things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they
make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you
guys do it?" asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues and
finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one
another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's
got only a teeny, weenie member-about half an inch long and just a quarter inch
thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says,
and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead,
his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member
grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the
xliv

woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate
love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate
ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache. . .she kept slapping my
forehead and pulling my ears."
Wife Acronym
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy says "I'm a YUPPIE... you know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy says "I'm a DINK... you know, Double Income No Kids."
They asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied:
"I'm a WIFE...you know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
Making Fish Stix
One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were
doing. The parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks. So the little boy
left it at that.
A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again, and this time he asks,
"Are you making fish sticks again?" The parents both reply yes.
The boy remarks, "Well, mom, you have a little tartar sauce on your mouth.
THE LAST 10 THINGS A MAN WOULD EVER SAY
10- I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother-fucker!
9- While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8- I'm absolutely wrong, you must be right!
7- Her tits are just way too big.
6- Sometimes, I just want to be held.
5- That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.
4- We haven't been to the mall in ages...let's go shopping so I can hold your
purse.
3- Sure, I would love to wear a condom.
2- Fuck Monday night football, let's watch "Murphy Brown."
1- I think we are lost, we'd better pull over and ask directions.
THE LAST 10 THINGS A WOMEN WOULD EVER SAY
10- Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9- Go ahead and leave the toilet seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
8- I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7- Hey, get a whiff of that one!
6- Please don't throw that old T-shirt away...the holes in the armpits are just too
cute.
5- This diamond is way too big.
4- I won't even put that thing in my mouth unless I get to swallow.
3- Wow, Bruce, it really is 14 inches.
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2- Does this make my butt look too small?

1- I'm wrong, YOU MUST be right!
Growing Wild
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6
miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all
over except his 'thing.' So, he decided to do something about it.
He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the sand,
except for his 'thingie,' which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the
'thing' sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane,
remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."
The other lady asked what she meant.
• When I was 20, I was curious about it.
• When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
• When I was 40, I asked for it.
• When I was 50, I paid for it.
• When I was 60, I prayed for it.
• When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old
to squat.
Women's T-shirts
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
And your point is...
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
You KNOW you want me.
Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
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I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

how can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear
2 Old Ladies & A Condom
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke (that's the only
place they could smoke at the nursing home) when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette,
and continued smoking.
Lady 2: "What's that?"
Lady 1: "A condom."
Lady 2: "Where'd you get it?"
Lady 1: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Lady 2 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to
the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind
of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
"Doesn't matter," she replies, "as long as it fits a Camel."
A Good date
These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates
and all came home at about the same time.
The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home
with your hair all messed up."
The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come
home with your makeup all smeared."
The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and
threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said, "Now THAT'S a good
date.
Baked Beans On Your Birthday
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy
and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to
herself, " He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying
on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she
lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late
because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor
of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to
walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached
home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed
three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon
arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I
have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her
chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the
blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the
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blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans
she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost
unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity,
shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like
a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her
napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other
cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like
this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her
freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap
and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture
of innocence when her husband returned, Apologizing for taking so long, he asked
her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he
removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!! There were twelve dinner guests
seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!
A beautiful fairy tale
Once upon a time a beautiful independent self assured princess happened upon a
frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess "I was once a handsome prince until
an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince
and then we can marry, move into the castle with mum, and you can prepare my
meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so". That
night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to herself and thought :
"I don't fucking think so".
Who Was More Drunk?
Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours
and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared
notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and
walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped
my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got
into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole
house down!"
The room was silent for a moment.
Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand...
Chunks is my Dog!!"
One-Liners Of Women
Why did God give men penises?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.
Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.
What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
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Its Braille for "suck here".

Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving
their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old
doesn't?
Her navel.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
Lipstick.
What's a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Money.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
Why do women have periods?
They deserve them.
Why did God make man first?
He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done
wrong?
Made her chain too long.
Why was the woman crossing the road?
Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job will still suck.
Why can't you trust woman?
How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Gas Problem
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas,
but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always
silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your
office."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.
The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"
The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on
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your hearing."
Watch What You Ask For
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince,
she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front
porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella
said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well, Cinderella, since you have lived a good,
wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is
there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella is overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under
her breath she uttered her first wish:
"I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold.
Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and
scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "It's the least I can do. What does your heart wish
for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of
the beauty of youth again."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long
forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. "You have one more wish, what will you
have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish
you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful, and handsome young man."
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological
make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of
which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from
the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke. "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new
life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever
seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and
held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm
breath, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?
Risky Proposition
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends
when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, young man entered. He
was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.
The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward
them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young
man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no
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matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied,
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse
and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young
man's hand.
She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said... "Clean my
house."
A Penis And What???
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says,
"I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's
wrong??"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit
different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite.... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the... er... features...of a male and
a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis AND a
brain?"
When She Starts To Look Good....
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini
on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he
asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the
bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll
bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your
shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look
good, then I know it's time to go home."
That Nagging, Sagging Feeling
Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the
recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and
join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old
Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so
badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed, she called her doctor's
office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the
doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to
her left knee.
Wedding Night
A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom
was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was
that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious
young woman.
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But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase
slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed
to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look
like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He
told me he'd been saving up for 75 years...
I thought he meant his money!!"
Traditional Roles Blown Away
Several years before the Gulf War, a female journalist did a story on gender roles
in Kuwait. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet
behind their husbands.
After the war, she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the
men walked 10 feet behind their wives. She approached a woman at the airport
and asked, "What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal?"
The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
The Rules
A macho man married a beautiful young thing. On their honeymoon, he laid down
the rules. "Now here's the way it's gonna be: I'll go hunting or fishing or card-
playing or drinking with my buddies anytime I want to, with no hassle from you.
And I'll come home anytime I want to, with no hassle from you. And I'll expect
dinner to be on the table whenever I get here, with no hassle from you. Those are
my rules. Do you understand?"
His new bride smiled sweetly and said, "Of course, dear. That's fine. But I have
one little rule of my own: I'm gonna have sex here every night at seven o'clock-
whether you're here or not!"
Never Hire A Man To Do A Womans Job
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These
highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and
background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and
testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but
only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely
secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room,
you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could
never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right
man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must
know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they
explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take
this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in
the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man
came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't
pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
lii

"No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
the hell home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door
and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no
matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your
husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all
the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots.
Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for
several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the
woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was
loaded with blanks! I had to beat the S.O.B. to death with the chair!"
This Place Stinks
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she
would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty
breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her
other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This
went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was
adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."
No Way
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found
the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked
sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to
drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got
stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still
damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on
top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the
Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed.
"No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
Ask Another Doctor
The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he
stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good
in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. After
many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you
so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion
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