Active Listening

Hear What People Are Really Saying

Listening is one of the most important skills you can have. How well you listen has
a major impact on your job effectiveness, and on the quality of your relationships
with others.

We listen to obtain information.

We listen to understand.
We listen for enjoyment.
We listen to learn.

Given all this listening we do, you would think we’d be good at it! In fact we’re
not. Depending on the study being quoted, we remember a dismal 25-50% of what
we hear. That means that when you talk to your boss, colleagues, customers or
spouse for 10 minutes, they only really hear 2½-5 minutes of the conversation.

Turn it around and it reveals that when you are receiving directions or being
presented with information, you aren’t hearing the whole message either. You hope
the important parts are captured in your 25- 50%, but what if they’re not?

Clearly, listening is a skill that we can all benefit from improving. By becoming a
better listener, you will improve your productivity, as well as your ability to
influence, persuade negotiate. What’s more, you’ll avoid conflict and
misunderstandings – all necessary for workplace success.

Good communication skills require a high level of self-

awareness. By understanding your personal style of
communicating, you will go a long way towards creating
good and lasting impressions with others.

The way to become a better listener is to practice “active listening”. This is where
you make a conscious effort to hear not only the words that another person is
saying but, more importantly, to try and understand the total message being sent.

In order to do this you must pay attention to the other person very carefully.

You cannot allow yourself to become distracted by what else may be going on
around you, or by forming counter arguments that you’ll make when the other
person stops speaking. Nor can you allow yourself to lose focus on what the other
person is saying. All of these barriers contribute to a lack of listening and
understanding.

Tip:
If you're finding it particularly difficult to concentrate
on what someone is saying, try repeating their words
mentally as they say it – this will reinforce their
message and help you control mind drift.

To enhance your listening skills, you need to let the other person know that you are
listening to what he or she is saying. To understand the importance of this, ask
yourself if you’ve ever been engaged in a conversation when you wondered if the
other person was listening to what you were saying. You wonder if your message
is getting across, or if it’s even worthwhile to continue speaking. It feels like
talking to a brick wall and it’s something you want to avoid.

Acknowledgement can be something as simple as a nod of the head or a simple “uh

huh.” You aren’t necessarily agreeing with the person, you are simply indicating
that you are listening. Using body language and other signs to acknowledge you
are listening also reminds you to pay attention and not let your mind wander.

You should also try to respond to the speaker in a way that will both encourage
him or her to continue speaking, so that you can get the information if you need.
While nodding and “uh huhing” says you’re interested, an occasional question or
comment to recap what has been said communicates that you understand the
message as well.

Becoming an Active Listener

There are five key elements of active listening. They all help you ensure that you
hear the other person, and that the other person knows you are hearing what they
are saying.

1. Pay attention.
Give the speaker your undivided attention and acknowledge the message.
Recognize that what is not said also speaks loudly.
o Look at the speaker directly.
o Put aside distracting thoughts. Don’t mentally prepare a rebuttal!
o Avoid being distracted by environmental factors.
 o “Listen” to the speaker’s body language.
o Refrain from side conversations when listening in a group setting.

2. Show that you are listening.

Use your own body language and gestures to convey your attention.
o Nod occasionally.
o Smile and use other facial expressions.
o Note your posture and make sure it is open and inviting.
o Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like
yes, and uh huh.

3. Provide feedback.
Our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we
hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may
require you to reflect what is being said and ask questions.
o Reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. “What I’m hearing is…”
and “Sounds like you are saying…” are great ways to reflect back.
o Ask questions to clarify certain points. “What do you mean when you
say…” “Is this what you mean?”
o Summarize the speaker’s comments periodically.

Tip:
If you find yourself responding emotionally to what
someone said, say so, and ask for more information: "I
may not be understanding you correctly, and I find
myself taking what you said personally. What I thought
you just said is XXX; is that what you meant?"

4. Defer judgment.
Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the speaker and limits full
understanding of the message.
o Allow the speaker to finish.
o Don’t interrupt with counter-arguments.

5. Respond Appropriately.
Active listening is a model for respect and understanding. You are gaining
information and perspective. You add nothing by attacking the speaker or
otherwise putting him or her down.
o Be candid, open, and honest in your response.
 o Assert your opinions respectfully.
o Treat the other person as he or she would want to be treated.

Key Points:

It takes a lot of concentration and determination to be an active listener. Old habits

are hard to break, and if your listening habits are as bad as many people’s are, then
there’s a lot of habit-breaking to do!

Be deliberate with your listening and remind yourself constantly that your goal is
to truly hear what the other person is saying. Set aside all other thoughts and
behaviors and concentrate on the message. Ask question, reflect, and paraphrase to
ensure you understand the message. If you don’t, then you’ll find that what
someone says to you and what you hear can be amazingly different!

Start using active listening today to become a better communicator and improve
your workplace productivity and relationships.

Tips on Effective Listening 

"We were given two ears but only one mouth, because
listening is twice as hard as talking."

Brief Theory of Communication 

Expressing our wants, feelings, thoughts and opinions clearly

and effectively is only half of the communication process
needed for interpersonal effectiveness. The other half is
listening and understanding what others communicate to us.
When a person decides to communicate with another person,
he/she does so to fulfill a need. The person wants something,
feels discomfort, and/or has feelings or thoughts about
something. In deciding to communicate, the person selects the
method or code which he/she believes will effectively deliver
the message to the other person. The code used to send the
message can be either verbal or nonverbal. When the other
person receives the coded message, they go through the
process of decoding or interpreting it into understanding and
meaning. Effective communication exists between two people
when the receiver interprets and understands the sender’s
message in the same way the sender intended it.  

Sources of Difficulty by the Speaker

Voice volume too low to be heard.

Making the message too complex, either by including too
many unnecessary details or too many issues.
Getting lost, forgetting your point or the purpose of the
interaction.
Body language or nonverbal elements contradicting or
interfering with the verbal message, such as smiling when
anger or hurt is being expressed.
Paying too much attention to how the other person is taking
the message, or how the person might react.
Using a very unique code or unconventional method for
delivering the message.
Sources of Difficulty by the Listener 

Being preoccupied and not listening.

Being so interested in what you have to say that you listen
mainly to find an opening to get the floor.
Formulating and listening to your own rebuttal to what the
speaker is saying.
Listening to your own personal beliefs about what is being
said.
Evaluating and making judgments about the speaker or the
message.
Not asking for clarification when you know that you do not
understand.
The Three Basic Listening Modes

1. Competitive or Combative Listening happens when

we are more interested in promoting our own point of
view than in understanding or exploring someone else’s
view. We either listen for openings to take the floor, or
for flaws or weak points we can attack. As we pretend
to pay attention we are impatiently waiting for an
opening, or internally formulating our rebuttal and
planning our devastating comeback that will destroy
 their argument and make us the victor.
2. In Passive or Attentive Listening we are genuinely
interested in hearing and understanding the other
person’s point of view. We are attentive and passively
listen. We assume that we heard and understand
correctly. but stay passive and do not verify it.
3. Active or Reflective Listening is the single most useful
and important listening skill. In active listening we are
also genuinely interested in understanding what the
other person is thinking, feeling, wanting or what the
message means, and we are active in checking out our
understanding before we respond with our own new
message. We restate or paraphrase our understanding of
their message and reflect it back to the sender for
verification. This verification or feedback process is
what distinguishes active listening and makes it
effective.

 Levels of Communication

Listening effectively is difficult because people vary in their

communication skills and in how clearly they express
themselves, and often have different needs, wants and
purposes for interacting. The different types of interaction or
levels of communication also adds to the difficulty. The four
different types or levels are.

1. Clichés.
2. Facts.  
3. Thoughts and beliefs.
4. Feelings and emotions.

As a listener we attend to the level that we think is most

important. Failing to recognize the level most relevant and
important to the speaker can lead to a kind of crossed wires
where the two people are not on the same wavelength. The
purpose of the contact and the nature of our relationship with
the person will usually determine what level or levels are
appropriate and important for the particular interaction. Note
the different requirements in the following situations:

You’re lost, and you ask a stranger for directions.

Your child comes to you crying.
You are in trouble and someone offers to help.
Your spouse is being affectionate and playful.
Opposing council is cross-examining you in court.
If we don’t address the appropriate elements we will not be
very effective, and can actually make the situation worse. For
example: If your wife is telling you about her hurt feelings and
you focus on the facts of the situation and don’t acknowledge
her feelings, she will likely become even more upset.

There is a real distinction between merely hearing the words

and really listening for the message. When we listen
effectively we understand what the person is thinking and/or
feeling from the other person’s own perspective. It is as if we
were standing in the other person’s shoes, seeing through
his/her eyes and listening through the person's ears. Our own
viewpoint may be different and we may not necessarily agree
with the person, but as we listen, we understand from the
other's perspective. To listen effectively, we must be actively
involved in the communication process, and not just listening
passively.

We all act and respond on the basis of our understanding, and

too often there is a misunderstanding that neither of us is
aware of. With active listening, if a misunderstanding has
occurred, it will be known immediately, and the
communication can be clarified before any further
misunderstanding occurs.

Several other possible benefits occur with active listening:

Sometimes a person just needs to be heard and acknowledged

before the person is willing to consider an alternative or
soften his /her position.
It is often easier for a person to listen to and consider the
other’s position when that person knows the other is listening
and considering his/her position.
It helps people to spot the flaws in their reasoning when they
hear it played back without criticism.
It also helps identify areas of agreement so the areas of
disagreement are put in perspective and are diminished rather
than magnified.
Reflecting back what we hear each other say helps give each
a chance to become aware of the different levels that are
going on below the surface. This helps to bring things into the
open where they can be more readily resolved.
If we accurately understand the other person’s view, we can
be more effective in helping the person see the flaws in
his/her position.
If we listen so we can accurately understand the other’s view,
we can also be more effective in discovering the flaws in our
own position.
Listening Tips

Usually it is important to paraphrase and use your own words

in verbalizing your understanding of the message. Parroting
back the words verbatim is annoying and does not ensure
accurate understanding of the message.
Depending on the purpose of the interaction and your
understanding of what is relevant, you could reflect back the
other persons:

1. Account of the facts.

2. Thoughts and beliefs.
3. Feelings and emotions.
4. Wants, needs or motivation.
5. Hopes and expectations.

Don’t respond to just the meaning of the words, look for the
feelings or intent beyond the words. The dictionary or surface
meaning of the words or code used by the sender is not the
message. 
Inhibit your impulse to immediately answer questions. The
code may be in the form of a question. Sometimes people ask
questions when they really want to express themselves and
are not open to hearing an answer. 
 Know when to quit using active listening. Once you
accurately understand the sender’s message, it may be
appropriate to respond with your own message. Don’t use
active listening to hide and avoid revealing your own
position.
If you are confused and know you do not understand, either
tell the person you don’t understand and ask him/her to say it
another way, or use your best guess. If you are incorrect, the
person will realize it and will likely attempt to correct your
misunderstanding.
Active listening is a very effective first response when the
other person is angry, hurt or expressing difficult feelings
toward you, especially in relationships that are important to
you.
Use eye contact and listening body language. Avoid looking
at your watch or at other people or activities around the room.
Face and lean toward the speaker and nod your head, as it is
appropriate. Be careful about crossing your arms and
appearing closed or critical.
Be empathic and nonjudgmental. You can be accepting and
respectful of the person and their feelings and beliefs without
invalidating or giving up your own position, or without
agreeing with the accuracy and validity of their view.
Become a more effective listener. Practice the active listening
technique and make it one of your communication skills.