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The Three Facebooks of Barbara

The Three Facebooks of Barbara



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Published by Barbara Alfaro
Facing Facebook -- with three smiles!
Facing Facebook -- with three smiles!

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Published by: Barbara Alfaro on Apr 19, 2011
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial


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THE THREE FACEBOOKS OF BARBARA by Barbara AlfaroI preface the following remarks with the fact that I was a straightA student in college. That is why it is such a sharp and distressingshock to me that when it comes to Facebook, I am apparently acomplete and perplexed ninny. I recall reading in a book by M. ScottPeck that you can tell the presence of an evil being because theymake you feel stupid. I’m not suggesting that Facebook is evil – anything with millions of baby pictures plastered all over it can’teven come close to evil – but I do think sometimes certainunexplainable things occur in cyberspace that have a somewhatFrankensteinian edge. In my case it is a trio of Facebook accounts.A friend emails me “I’m on Facebook. What does that mean?” Ishare the little I know. It means when you log on to Facebook youwill see hundreds, perhaps thousands of digital photos of friends andfriends of friends and friends of friends of friends and hundreds, perhaps thousands of digital photos of the offspring of friends andfriends of friends and friends of friends of friends. It means you willread scintillating posts such as “Had yummy mac and cheesetonight.” It means when you log off from Facebook you may findyourself murmuring, “Who are these people and why are they eatingso much macaroni?”Jane is my first Facebook account, the highly-charged Eve Black was next, and quiet Eve White happened last. Jane is the one Ialmost understand. Almost, because I am somewhat unclear as to thedifference between “Find More Friends” and
“Connect withFriends” – is there one? Jane is dependable like a shiny toaster withmany stupendous features. The second account, opened in hopes of selling millions of copies of my book 
 Mirror Tal
, is more like theelectric Eve Black – good-looking, outgoing, but thoroughly out-of-
control. This account has a special Book Page where I successfully placed a photo of my book cover,
links to a positive review of the book, and an online interview about it. Unfortunately, the only person who ever sees this professional and attractive page is me because I can’t figure out how to direct others to it. Long link or short link, no matter which link (is anyone else thinking sausages?) Idirect prospective readers to, instead of my Book Page
appearing, up pops
my Home Page, the one with all those photos and pasta posts.And there is the matter of “importing” friends to this additionalaccount. My “Please forgive the second friend request” and “Iapologize for the double postings” melt among the mac and cheeses.The third and most mystifying
of the three accounts mirrors EveWhite – quiet, unassuming, but oh, those headaches. I didn’t evenrealize I had opened this account. Logging on to another socialnetwork (one for writers) and asked if I’d like to sign on in myFaceback account I agreed thinking it would log me on to one of myalready existing accounts. Not so, the social network opened a brandnew account. Quite understandably, I was afraid to even touch mylaptop keyboard while in this account, thinking I might inadvertentlyopen a fourth Facebook account. I’ve read various “how-to”Facebook guides, the ones with those odd diagrams containing greyrectangles with teensie-weensie text inside and arrows, allthoroughly confusing and conducive to yawning.It was a dream of course, still I see it as clearly as if it wereyesterday. Actually, it was yesterday. My three Facebooks arelunching in an upscale viral restaurant (the food is beautiful buttasteless). Eve Black is wearing a bright red screen saver withsuggestive designs; Jane sports an attractive seascape, and EveWhite, somewhat predictably, the Microsoft Windows logo.
Eve B
: (Downing a Dewars) What gets me, absolutely slays me, ishow anti-social our Username is, I mean what the hell is she doingon a social network?
: (Sipping a Chablis) That’s a bit unfair, Eve. She cares agreat deal about people; she just doesn’t care to communicate withthem.
Eve W
: (To waiter) Ah, excuse me, if it’s not too much trouble,when you have a moment, may I please have a glass of water, noice. (He ignores her).
Eve B
: (Snapping her fingers) Waiter. Water. (He brings itimmediately). I don’t care what you say. She is simply a dumbDora, a digital dummy!
: I think it’s more that she’s a true recluse.
Eve B
: Well then, let her start a reclusive network where no oneever logs on! Here I am ready to socialize, make friends, engage, belively, connect – and even help with sales of her old book and whathappens? She can’t figure out how I work! Facebook has 500million members! Two of them have befriended me on her Book Page! Two!
Eve W
: (Looking at water) I didn’t want ice.
Eve B
: Really, you see her, day after day, night after night,watching old movies on TV and sucking peppermints. And what isso incredible, so mind-numbing, is she’s happy doing it! I overheardher say her idea of a good time is taking a nap! This is what we’redealing with here, girls!
Eve W
: Do either of you have any aspirin? I have a splittingheadache.
: She is definitely an introvert.

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Steve U added this note
Really really enjoyed this!!! You have such a talent!
Barbara Alfaro added this note
You can see from the original publication date of this short story it has taken me QUITE a while to figure out the Facebook book page but I've finally done it. You can visit and "Like" my memoir "Mirror Talk" at http://bitly.com/MirrorTalkBookPage
Sarah Park liked this
Barbara Alfaro added this note
Facebook has done it again! After I finally figure out the last batch of changes, they have changed almost every feature yet again.
Enjoyable read. I never thought I would succumb to use of FB, but I caved; and I only use it for relating bits of international, national, local, and scientific news. Never naps or macaroni, or running commentary. FB is a conundrum when it comes to linking, especially linking to my email.
Barbara Alfaro added this note
If anyone has cracked the code on how to direct people to a "Book Page" on Facebook please let me know. http://bit.ly/MirrorTalkPage is the link I created but when you go to it my regular FB page appears not the Book page.
Joe Hagen added this note
Liked that! Personally, I like naps and macaroni, although I've never posted my consumption of either of facebook. Luv the pics though! Trapped between worlds.Thanx for posting
Mary Yuhas added this note
Very funny and I don't care who had mac and cheese for dinner either! And my FB account imported every name too. Hope all your "faces" become friends - : )

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