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Pussy Almost Does a MILF

Pussy Almost Does a MILF

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Published by Perry Glasser
Felix "Pussy" Leitner is 26 and clueless.
Felix "Pussy" Leitner is 26 and clueless.

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Published by: Perry Glasser on Apr 19, 2011
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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09/22/2013

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1
© Perry Glasser www.perryglasser.com
HOW PUSSY ALMOST DID A MILF BUTDISASTER STRUCK 
from
Family Matters
 the new novel by Perry GlasserBlueberries rise to the top of his glass, linger, drift to the bottom, then rise again.
They’ve got watermelon beer.
Raspberry. Cherry. What dickwad put fruit in beer?It could not have been a Viking. Pussy knew all about Vikings from comics, one of his first video games, and some time he put in with this old DVD he found at the bin in Wal-Mart. You brew your mead from honey. You drink your mead and you fart and belch.Epic, legendary, heroic flatulence. Drink your mead, they will write odes. Beat thetabors. Play the lutes. Dance on rough hewn oak tables.Pussy stares glumly into his glass. Blueberries. Blueberries float like gerbil shit.
 
2
© Perry Glasser www.perryglasser.com
Pussy once read
 Beowulf,
the real deal, read it in Old English no less. Hememorized a few lines so he could chant them to admiring college girls, pounding arhythm with his fist on a library table. The girls giggled and whispered, the certain signthey believed he was cute.Pussy tomorrow will turn 26. C
ute
no longer cuts it. In the mirror, imperceptibly, but certainly, slightly, daily, his hairline recedes.
If he had any guts at all, he’d shave his
head and polish it with wax until it shined like a bullet. All his life he has lied to be older:suddenly he wants to appear younger.There are no epic journeys, no quests. Pussy can fart and belch, but his flatulentemissions lack grandeur. Trapped in the early 21
st
century, he is glassy-eyed on a highstool in a second rate suburban sports bar where his two best bros chug weak beer.His blueberries rise and fall and rise again.Their waitress steps sideways to drop a large plate of buffalo wings ever-fucking-clueless Kyle ordered without asking anyone if they wanted or could afford them, hisidea of a birthday party. This is no barmaid with a fetching smile. You touch her, they pitch your ass out so hard the sidewalk breaks, maybe kick your ribs to make sure you
don’t come back anytime soon
. In recessed white letters, her black plastic name tag
reads “Jan
ee.
 Pussy goes
Does it taste as good as it smells? 
 
Janee’s gray eyes
fall on him like Death. Mikey is ROFLAO. Even totally hammered Kyle laughs.
 Dude!
 
 I meant the wings, I swear it 
. He grins crookedly. He did, in truth, mean thesmell of pepper sauce and grease, but now that his bros admire his bold tongue, he sees
 
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© Perry Glasser www.perryglasser.com
no reason to protest innocence. His index finger pushes his dark hair from his eyes. Hegrins wickedly at Janee, who seems less than amused.
 Sure you do, bro. You meant the wings
. Mikey laughs like a choking goose. The wind is right, you can hear
Mikey’s
lame asshole laugh in Boston. The swans in thePublic Garden look around:
Where’s Mikey? 
 Janee drops the plate to the table. Celery stalks and carrots scatter, but the twosmall dishes of chunky blue cheese dressing remain upright. There is no sendinganything back; Janee will just spit on the food and return with the original serving.
It’s
 what food servers do. Everyone knows this. You want someone to hock a lugee into your burger, you send it back because it is overdone.
 Pussy did not mean anything by it 
.
 Pussy is our main man.
 It’s his birthday.
 
Kyle and Mikey knock fists.Janee scowls.
 Pussy? 
Maybe her gray eyes soften. It is hard to say. There is noreal light in the bar, just the ambient glow of seven flat screens all showing the Celticsputting it to Detroit.
You need refills, Pussyboy? 
The guys nod.Janee threads her way through the crowd.
 MILF 
, Kyle mutters.
Oh yeah. No question.
Janee has those lush tits and a largish ass, but not so large as to be grotesque. Shealso has those big blowjob pillow lips, lips like Angelina Jolie or his sister, Shelia the Valkyrie. You just know she gives great head. Janee, that is. Angelina, too, for that

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