Dear Agent:

Las Vegas homicide investigator, Corey Malone, must go outside the justice system she depends on in Comment [LL1]: I’d cut this. Almost
everyone depends on the justice system,
order to catch The Artist, a serial killer she’ been chasing for six months. The psycho has made her so this is irrelevant and wordy.
hunt for him personal by targeting UNLV students who mirror Corey’s appearance. He poses the Comment [LL2]: This waters down
bodies, and then calls her so she’ll be the first to witness his atrocities. When an email sent to the your first sentence hook. What’s really
important, that she’s been trying to catch
fourth victim is signed with Corey’s real name, she realizes that The Artist has fixated on her not him for six months (which makes us
because of some voyeuristic obsession, but because he knows her secret. wonder if she’s any good at what she
does), or that she has to go outside the
justice system to catch this guy?
The FBI sends in a consultant after the fifth victim to join Corey and her partner, Damien Smith.
Deleted: He has
Together, they uncover a new lead, but the follow-up is thwarted by the murder of the FBI agent. Now
Comment [LL3]: I added “psycho”
a professional pariah, Corey finds comfort in the growing intimacy between her and Damien and the but you can replace it with some other
sanctuary he provides in his home with his teenage son. But she cannot escape The Artist. He finds a term to show voice. Avoid “he” here
because we want to feel her anger toward
way to threaten the only men she has ever loved. Corey can’t turn to the system that has abandoned him.
her. Alone, she must find and stop The Artist, risking the revelation of a secret that will ruin her-- if Deleted: who
The Artist doesn’t kill her first.
Deleted: has
Deleted: it
My vampire short story, “Rosemary for Remembrance” was published in Dark Fire, issue 36, in
Deleted: ,
October of 2008. My blog, “Crime, Thriller, Horror . . . and One Bad Romance,” explores the
relationship between reality and fantasy in fiction writing and reviews of my work by friends and Deleted: by posing

colleagues who have enjoyed their own writing successes. Deleted: them post-mortem
Deleted: by
In the same vein as other strong female protagonists like Clarice Starling from Thomas Harris’ novels Deleted: ing
Silence of the Lambs and Hannibal, and Lt. Eve Dallas from J.D. Robb’s in Death series, The Artist, a Deleted: that
104,000-word novel, the first of a three-book series, focuses on Corey Malone’s development as a Deleted: wi
woman, detective, and mother figure. Personal connection to agent, if possible Comment [LL4]: NICE!
May I send you a partial or complete manuscript? I look forward to hearing from you.
Comment [LL5]: Too wordy. “He
threatens…”
Yours truly, Deleted: annot
Comment [LL6]: This paragraph
Holly Vance doesn’t work for me. See below for
notes.
Deleted: As to my credits, m

Thanks for sending in a revised version of your query letter. You’re on your way, but still have some Comment [LL7]: Too much
information. Just give them the link and
work to do. they’ll check it out for themselves. Say
something like, “My blog (name of it)
can be found at: (Link).
I’ve reworked your first paragraph in more detail below:
Deleted: writing-related

Las Vegas homicide investigator, Corey Malone, must go outside the justice system in order to catch Deleted: that is

an evasive serial killer known as The Artist. The psycho has made Corey’s hunt for him personal by Deleted: which
targeting UNLV students who mirror her appearance. He poses the bodies and then calls her so she’ll Comment [LL8]: This sentence is too
long. See below for a suggestion on how
be the first to witness his atrocities. When an email sent to the fourth victim is signed with Corey’s real to break it up.
name, she realizes that The Artist has fixated on her not because of some voyeuristic obsession, but
because he knows her secret.

Second paragraph notes:

I’d cut the bit about the FBI agent from the query. It doesn’t add anything since she doesn’t get
romantically involved with him and you’re basically writing him in and out of the query in two
sentences. The “professional pariah” part doesn’t make sense because in the first paragraph it sounds
like she decides to go out on her own. If the “system” abandons her, then we need to know a bit more
about how that happens. The Artist threatens the “men” she loved? Who’s the other guy? Why does
she have to find and capture the killer alone? Why can’t her partner/man-she-loves help her? He
doesn’t need to, but we need to understand why he doesn’t. I like the idea, at the end, that she has to
catch the killer before her secret is revealed or he kills her first. You need to focus more on the plot for
the rest of this paragraph. If you remove the elements I suggested, not only are you left with next to
nothing, but what remains is almost repeating parts of the first paragraph, so be careful how you handle
this.

Last paragraph:

In the same vein as other strong female protagonists like Clarice Starling from Thomas Harris’ novels
Silence of the Lambs and Hannibal, and Lt. Eve Dallas from J.D. Robb’s in Death series, The Artist
focuses on Corey Malone’s development as a woman, detective, and mother figure. The novel is
104,000 words and the first of a three book series.

Basically, your second paragraph still needs work. Tweak the rest and it’ll be great.

I hope this helps.

Lynnette Labelle
www.labelleseditorialservices.com