I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!If you can't convince them, confuse them.If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.If you haven't much education you must use your brain.If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper,that's the time to do it.It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.Keep honking. I'm reloading.Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.Montana: At least our cows are sane!More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.Never mess up an apology with an excuse.Never miss a good chance to shut up.