MAVERICK Amer N. Raja Poverty, inflation, unemployment and money have always been hot topics.

Poverty, inflation, unemployment and money have always been hot topics. This induced Behram's
interest in Economics. Again he formulated his own theories. He was of the opinion that basically
it is thought that is the basic reason for these problems. Therefore, these problems would be
Life has always been strange as well as colorful. Sorrow, when it is strange and joy, when it is
solved permanently if people stop thinking. And his views about poverty are very notable: 'The
colorful. Life is just life; it is the mental state of the individual that determines the aspect of joy
reason for poverty is that the number of poor are much greater than the number of rich, therefore
or sorrow. Life is all about people. All other things in it are relative to man, the interpreter. There
in order to maintain balance and for greater welfare of the people the government should
are various kinds of people in it. Behram was also a special kind. When he used to speak he talked
exterminate the poor.'
incessantly and when he was mute it also lasted for long. He was a maven of human psyche. He was always
different; perhaps, he wanted to be.
One way or other, Behram kept on passing examinations while exhibiting his ingenuity in school and
college. Nowadays, higher education is extremely sought after. It is onsidered must for progress.
This trait makes people hold different opinions about him. Some consider him a scoundrel and for a few
This was the impetus for his doing a PhD. As you know for PhD, it is a prerequisite to do research
others he was a genius. Well, people and their opinions, this also is a matter for different opinions.
and submit thesis. He chose the topic: 'Which things induce intoxication.'
Anyhow, we are discussing the personality of Behram. Ah! Gossiping, it goes to anywhere. They are as
To this purpose, Behram diligently articulated a comprehensive research methodology, consisting of
long as Satan's entrails. We will narrate some stories of his life. You are the judge to square up what
primary and secondary research. He then chose a special population, i.e. a group of people who are
he was. Again, you are the people and it's all about interpretation.
characterized as boozers. As part of his secondary research he studied extensively on alcohol and
related matters. Anyhow, regardless of the good or evil nature of the job, one has to work hard.
You have all studied mathematics in your educational career. Generally, when we solve any problem we
Then he chose the population and divided them into five groups of twenty persons each:
say that Left Hand Side is equal to Right Hand Side. In mathematical terminology it is stated as: L.H.S
= R.H.S. While Behram always insisted on stating it as: R.H.S = L.H.S. And to our amazement he always
Vodka Drinkers (V)
proved it. He has his own reasoning for this assertion; as he says, the majority of us are right
Gin Drinkers (G)
handed, and according to the democratic principle the majority is always right. He further accused
Whiskey Drinkers (Wh)
academia and government for promoting the false view.
Rum Drinkers (R)
John Barleycorn Drinkers (J)
Another argument of his was that, 'We are rightist against the leftist, communist and socialist.
Therefore, it is our moral duty to promote right-ism in all spheres of life.' Then, he said that,
He adopted the observation, questionnaire and experimentation method (he tried all these things
'Linguistically right means true and left means abandoned, so logically it is more valid and correct to
himself). The gist of his research was:
say, R.H.S = L.H.S.'
(a) V + W = Iv
But what to do of School Master Nazar sahib, who was always annoyed about this claim? Some people tried
(b) G + W = Ig
to patch up the difference. 'Whether one can touch one's ear from here or from there, what difference
(c) Wh+ W = Iwh
does it make? The answer remains the same, so both are correct.' Nonetheless, both Nazar sahib and
(d) R + W = Ir
Behram stuck to their point. Nazar sahib got so fed up that he stated to the Principal sahib that,
(e) J + W = Ij
'Either you expel him or me.' The Principal resolved the issue by transferring Behram to the other
section. In this way, Behram came to section B from section A.
By combining the above equations:
Here, Nizami sahib like an affectionate teacher accepted Behram's R.H.S = L.H.S view. However, now
(f) Iv * Ig * Iwh * Ir * Ij = In
Behram took the issue of the circumference of a circle and asserted that in this case R.H.S = L.H.S
can't hold true. The circle just keeps on going around and around and around. It follows, then, that
Putting the values of (a), (b), (c), (d) and (e) in equation (f), we get,
what happened has to happen. Nizami sahib also came to share the views of Nazar sahib.
(g) (V + W) (G + W) (Wh+ W) (R + W) (J+W) = In
Behram then got interested in physics and was so much impressed by the law of inertia that he passed
four years in ninth class. At that time he was eulogizing the virtues of inertia. He was highly
Taking the common factor:
critical of the Newtonian laws of motion. It was because of Newton's incapacity to cope with the
ultimate phenomenon of metaphysics that he promoted these laws; Behram reckoned so. He called inertia,
(h) W (V + G + Wh + R + J) = In
Nirvana, a state of bliss, a complete peace and a way of life.
W, is a symbol of water, which is a common factor.
He was not seen happier than in those days. Perhaps, those were the Golden days of his life with a
Golden truth of inertia. He might have adhered to this principle for life but one of his uncles got After all the hard work and efforts the last stage was to submit the research paper. Behram's
appointed Chairman of the school committee and on the basis of his influence he was promoted to the findings were as follows:
next class.
It is obvious from the equation (h), that W is the factor which is common in all the equations
(a), (b), (c), (d) and (e). Hence, W is that factor which causes intoxication.
This was a shock of a lifetime to him. Whenever one's beliefs are broken that gives a feeling of
bewilderment. The pathos and suffering that results are heart rending. This was an inexpressible state
Behram submitted his research report; there was lot of commotion and exchange of hot arguments. We don't
of mind. One is lost. One's cherished beliefs are at stake.
know what the reason was. When he was leaving the academic block he gave this historical remark
similar to that of Einstein: 'If my theory will be proved Indians would say that I am citizen of
Biology came to Behram's rescue. He got interested in Darwin's ideas and was inspired by the principles
the world and Pakistanis would say that I am Pakistani; and if my theory will be disproved then
of survival of the fittest and adaptability. However, he learned that despite all his claims Darwin is
Indians would say that I am Muslim and Pakistanis would say that I am an Indian agent.'
also dead. He meditated on death and then realized the falsity of the Darwinian principle that no one
can survive death. He abandoned these views but this time he was more experienced. The shock was not so
I never saw him again. What was the outcome? And what happened to him? These are the questions
shocking to him. It's always the first shock that is shockingly unbearable. Time passes by. He finished
that are a mystery till today. Some, who were positive that he was a brainiac, still believe that
his schooling and joined college.
it was a monumental work deserving high academic credence and nomination for a Nobel Prize. Some
people are of the opinion that they have seen him in pubs, where he was still fully convinced that
Biology came to Behram's rescue. He got interested in Darwin's ideas and was inspired by the principles
'W' is the factor, which causes intoxication. Therefore in order to avoid inebriety, he only uses
of survival of the fittest and adaptability. However, he learned that despite all his claims Darwin is
the other elements. While some others believe that a scoundrel he was. Life is indeed enigmatic.
also dead. He meditated on death and then realized the falsity of the Darwinian principle that no one
Do you know if this mystery can ever be solved? Anyway, as all others have their opinions; it is
can survive death. He abandoned these views but this time he was more experienced. The shock was not so
up to you to judge what he was.
shocking to him. It's always the first shock that is shockingly unbearable. Time passes by. He finished
his schooling and joined college.
(c) Amer Naveed 2007