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i Survived

i Survived

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Published by bryantlpa7
A life story of experiences. God can restore a life, and bring it back to health, and complet wholeness.
A life story of experiences. God can restore a life, and bring it back to health, and complet wholeness.

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Published by: bryantlpa7 on Apr 29, 2011
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04/29/2011

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YOU & I ARE A SURVIVORPeople say that experience is your best teacher. In most cases they arespeaking truth.Many experiences from my past weren't the best ones, but I survived . Thiswas not by myown power or strength. I am a survivor because of God's grace and mercy.He spared my lifeand gave me a testimony to prove that all things are possible through him.Recalling the lonliness and dirtiness I felt at a tender age of 9 or 10 yearsold. It should havenever resorted to such violence, but it happened. The situation was sooverwhelming.I blocked out many of the facts, just to survive. How else could I protectmyself ?Suppressing feelings of pain and anger isn't a good idea, though. Peopleneed to get their feelings of hurt and fustration out. Don't ponder the hard stuff inside your heart forever.It will make you sick.I was embarrassed, shameful and felt a stench of guilt. My mother alwaystold us girls not totalk to strangers. I'm talking about me and my sister. Joshua wasn't astranger. He was someoneknown to us. We met in the neighborhood playground on this particular afternoon.He was like an older brother. I trusted him until that day.The playground seemed empty, and barren. One execption was a few older children playing basketballon the court. They couldn't see us two in plain view from the court. Of course, those tall concrete wallssurrounding the court made it difficult for anyone to see. Colored leaves hadfallen on the ground.It was mid fall. I heard them crunch as I walked by. Who could ever forgetthesounds of those leaves on this particular day? He pushed me in thoseleaves. It was a timewhen my life became colorless and bitter. Joshua lured my small body intosome woods and donehis dirty work. Then he left the scene, as if nothing ever took place.However, This became a crimescene. This was a terrible crime for a little girl to face alone. It caused me tobleed.However, Physical blood was no comparrison to my bleeding heart. It wouldtake me half of my lifetime to recover from this pain. Still, I am a survivor.I was no longer a child or a virgin, now. I'd been raped or sexually molestedby an older boy.This reminds me of a story in the bible about a woman that had a seriousissue of blood.She was suffering from uncleanliness, for twelve long years. All she wantedto do is touch the helm of 
 
Jesus garment and be healed or in other words made complete. My questionafter a situation suchas this one is, Would I ever be complete or made whole again. Still! I am asurvivor.Nothing made me whole in this situation. It seemed as if I were searchingfor something or someone to replace the emptiness inside. Everyone I came into contactseem to validateme. Did I lose my identity? Yes! I no longer understood that I was stillunique andwonderfullly made by God. I couldn't accept wonderful and positivecomplements or acts of caring.Furthermore, I'd lost trust in people. No one could be trusted, especially nota man. This affectedmany friendships and personal relationships in my life. A struggle leavingyou an incomplete personcan be a battle. Still, I am a survivor.How can a person ever become complete after suffering from tramaticexperiences, or having their life turned up side down and filled with all kinds of issues? There are manyissues like drugs,alchohol, sexual impurities, perversion, uncleaness, fornication, prostitution,suicidal thoughts,adultery, incest and rejection and abuse plaguing this world today. Alot of these issues are theones that separate us from the real individuals we are suppose to be. I'vehad to fight to overcomemany of these same issues, with the help of God. Still! I am a survivor.The ability for me to believe that I could ever be loved was stolen from me ata early age. Therefore,many sinful actions took place in my life following this incidence. I becamepermiscurous and curious.Curiosity led me to a place no one would ever want to go. Not listening to theright stuff took me toa even harsher level. I learned about things that no child should no aboutuntil they are mature enoughto handle them.Believe me when I make this statement. Some things are notmeant to hear, and alotof stuff is not meant to see or touch. I realize that hell is not actually on earth.But the bible speaks aboutif you make your bed in hell, it is the place that you will end up. My bed wasmade the wrong way for along time. It took approximately fifteen years before God decided to show mehow to make it the correctway. Yes! I said that God decided to show me. One of my biggest problemswas rebellion and stubborness.No one could tell me anything. In fact, I didn't want to hear and simply wouldnot listen. There is a thingcalled free will. God never forces any person to serve him. He didn't actuallyforce me, either. He simply gaveme a little nudge to show me what could happen if I didn't get my act
 
together. I was literally on my way tohell. It was as if I reached hell with no escape or way out. The drugs andalchohol had taken a toll on my life.The perveted lifestyle wasn't good, either. It was time to come out of thebars, and the party scenes full of gross nonsense. God did bring me out much later in life. Being hit by a semitruck and crashing intoa concrete wall in oncoming traffic is a miracle when you survive. Not manypeople get the opportunityto live through such an experience. Still, I am a survivor.Being young should be the most enjoyable time in a person's life. I wasn'tfilled with joy all the time likesome. Instead, I grew up early and started a permiscurous lifestyle at theage of twelve. This is wheresin led me. I know longer valued my true identity. God purposed me to be hischild. This is who God createdme to be! The bible says, that we are unique and wonderfully made. I ammade in his image, but Satan didn'twant me to be wonderful or even do wonderful things. He put strongholds inmy life to hold me down.I didn't act like a person God had made. Satan with his sinful tactics operatesharsh. His operationsdon't always succeed. They are designed to destroy you. His first attemptwas to kill me at birth.I was born with a heart defect, and sentenced by Satan to death. God had abetter plan.Still, I am a survivor!Becoming a teenage girl led to more heartaches. I longed to be loved andlove somebody.Since I already knew the term sexually intercourse, I used it alot to gain mydefinition of love.Did I really know that sex wasn't love? There was no real intimacyor attention involved in these shortlived cases. No one could fill my void.Moma tried to fill the lonliness, heartache and pain. However, She wasn'taware of my realproblems. Did she ever notice these signs? Did she know what happened? Icouldn't remember whether she knew the truth or not. I just remember that she'd always been aloving, andgentle woman. My grandmother was just the same. They both nurtured mein caring ways.However, Something was still always incomplete. My mother gave me allkinds of material things inorder to make me happy. She was a young mother herself. She was simplya baby raising a baby. Shedidn't know the rules. Possible she was deprived of attention and disciplineherself, including love.In fact, Grandma and grandpa done most of the baby rearing, while mymother went back to

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