Domestic violence knows no social class

 July 1st, 2009 5:40 pm ET

We are the ones you rarely hear about when you study the
reasons behind divorce statistics: Educated women like
myself, who stayed in abusive marital environments for
decades, thinking it would change.

The general public tends to reason that women who are

victims of or eventually escape domestic violence usually fall
into the lower-income ranges – those who have not had the
advantages of higher education or a functional upbringing.

But the reasons many women stay under the radar with this
issue are as diverse and far ranging as any other
predicament in which people find themselves.

Abuse knows no bounds . . .

The truth is that marital physical abuse permeates every

socio-economic level.  Middle and upper class women who
survive marriages in which they suffered physical abuse at the hands of their ex-husbands
simply tend not to speak of it. Why?  Probably because after we finally decided to leave
that environment, we were embarrassed to admit that we stayed for as long as we did.
Before that we were no doubt in denial that it was really happening to us. I, for one, never
pictured myself among those who could be chosen for daytime TV on panel shows like The
Jerry Springer Show, where women from obviously violent environments would complain
publicly about their spouses or boyfriends.

You don't have to be poor to experience domestic violence. Plenty of middle-class women,
and some men, are beaten and humiliated by their partners. The current economic
downturn doesn’t cause violence in itself, but it is creating the conditions that make these
times ripe for it -- environments where a sudden change in circumstances, acute financial
problems, or loss of self-esteem come into play.

Realizing where we are . . .

In his article Understanding the Victims of Spousal Abuse, Dr. Frank M. Ochberg points out that
there are those who are victims, those who were victims, and those who want to help but are not
victims themselves.

He admits that the word ‘victim’ carries with it connotations and associations that many find
degrading. Especially educated, upper middle class women feel they deserve some kind of
dignity and freedom from fear while seeking compassionate acceptance by their families, friends
and communities.  Those of us who have lived to tell of our former circumstances now realize
we were indeed victims, however. The conclusion I have recently reached now that I have lived
nearly a decade as a non-victim is that I have a unique capacity to become a small-scale catalyst
for change in spousal relations in general by merely bringing illumination to it both with my
writing and in my conversations with other women. 

Those paralyzed with fear at one point know well how gut-wrenching making the decision to
leave that environment can be. For me, it was much more than an escape from the physical
threat, reasoning my ex lashed out physically against me only an occasionally, accompanying his
tirades with verbal degradation. As wives and mothers, It can involve our concern with breaking
up a family nest (no matter how dysfunctional). It can be the thought of admitting to close
friends and family what has gone on within the walls of our seemingly lovely homes, out of
earshot and shielded from sight. And it can be cloaked in the idea that staying made us stronger
wives and mothers, not weaker ones. While we may have tried to convince our spouses to get
help if they intended to learn how to stop hurting those they supposedly loved. paradoxically
enough, advice like that to batterers from the victims of the abuse can be received with explosive
denial. And in the end, many men see no need to be ‘fixed’ by their wives.

How we were conditioned (or condition ourselves) to accept our fates . . .

Some of us brought up in church-going households were no doubt taught to pray for those we
love every chance we got. “God will change his heart,” my sainted little mother used to reassure
me when instructing me in my wifely duties.  Even if religion were not at play, however, many
Boomers like myself were raised by a generation of women who saw their roles in life as
supreme caretakers whose job it was to endure not only the rigors and joys of motherhood but
also to cater to our husbands’ needs no matter what the cost. My generation may indeed be the
first to break free of the hard and fast roles modeled for us, as domestic violence incidents are
being reported in greater numbers than ever before after having been an undercurrent in many
households for generations.

Another reason many women stay is that there is simply no exit. “The door is open but she
cannot leave,” says Ochberg. “She has no resources of her own. Her children need her. She is
terrified of the police. Social workers are people who can declare you an unfit mother. The
perpetrator has threatened to kill her if she leaves or if she tells and she knows no safe haven
from him. There is no federal witness protection program for domestic assault victims. Her fear
is real, the threat is real, and the pathway to freedom cannot be found.”

“For some the shame is crushing,” he goes on. “To heal in private, behind dark glasses, behind
closed blinds is far better than to be seen by others. Physical pain is more bearable than shame.
The shame is deeper than embarrassment. It is mortification, humiliation, dehumanization.
Shame depends on the eyes of others. Avoid the eyes, avoid the shame. Stay home. Endure.”

Standing on the outside . . .

If you’ve never been a victim of spousal abuse, Ochberg poignantly illustrates a way to imagine
it.  Try to recall a time of intimidation by a larger person, perhaps in childhood . . . “when you
dared not fight, when you felt small and hurt and humiliated,” he suggests.  To offer help to
victims of abuse, he asks, “Join hands with the victims and the survivors. Feel the partnership,
the parity, the universality of being human and being hurt -- because in this field, to deny one's
vulnerability to victimization is to pass from person to authority, to appear and to become
separate. We are all colleagues when the issue is coping with human cruelty.”

Ochberg explains the many reasons a battered wife might love her spouse and stay the course,
but most of the issues therapists deal with in couples’ counseling have to do with childhood 
‘attachment’ issues. Ochberg, a therapist himself, warns against generalizations when
professional counseling plays a role, especially when women who are currently being battered
are more in need of physical protection, advocacy, financial resources, and a reliable support
system. For this purpose there are shelters, 24-hour hotlines and family law attorneys who work
day in and day out to help people who are caught in the cycles of abuse.

While therapy can help heal wounds and enable women to learn how they landed in their abusive
circumstances,  “We must do more than treat the wounded,” urges Ochberg. “Spouse abuse is a
long-standing, entrenched problem. Fortunately, there are experienced, effective survivors
committed to changing this cruel aspect of human history. We who treat and teach can do no
better than to join hands with them.”

One in four adults in Britain has experienced domestic violence, a poll for the BBC suggests.

In the survey of more than 1,000 people, a quarter said they had been involved
in violence, either as the victim or perpetrator.

They were asked whether they had been involved in any incident of domestic
fighting, hitting, punching, kicking or having sex against the will of one partner.

The research by pollsters ICM covered all relationships from short-term to

marriage.

More than a quarter of the women who were questioned - 27% - said they had
been physically abused. The corresponding figure for men was 21%.

Of those who had been involved in domestic violence, 37% of women had
reported an incident to the police, compared with 19% of men. Many suffer in silence
- click here to read
In cases where the police had been called in, four out of five women said the about one woman's
relationship had broken down. Yet half the men said it had continued. experience
Not surprisingly, people now separated or divorced
were most likely to say they had experienced Poll findings
domestic violence.  Domestic violence
acceptable if partner has
More than a third of the sample said they knew been unfaithful 30% someone who had
experienced domestic violence but women were  Domestic violence much more likely than
men to tell a friend to go to the police. acceptable if partner nags
27%
Yet the issue of whether the police should intervene in cases of domestic violence remains contentious.

Nearly three out of 10 people surveyed believe that the police should always be called. But twice as many
feel they should not be routinely involved.

Seven out of 10 people said they thought the police were more likely to give priority to dealing with an
incident between two people in the street than a disturbance between a man and a woman in their own
home.

Questioned about their own response to someone who was kicking or mistreating their dog, 78% said
they would intervene or call the RSPCA or the police. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Results from our poll
But when it came to someone kicking or mistreating their partner, only
53% said they would intervene or call the police.
In Pictures
Six out of 10 of those questioned said that domestic violence was not
acceptable under any circumstances.

But three out of 10 were prepared to make an exception where one of the partners had been unfaithful -
slightly fewer (27%) where one person had nagged the other.

But physical violence, particularly when repeated, was seen as less excusable where one or both the
partners had been drinking too much.

Rape

When it came to domestic violence at the hands of someone they loved, about two-thirds said they could
put up with occasional name calling, and one woman in five would accept an isolated slap or punch.

But eight out of 10 thought that repeated violence would spell the end of the relationship.

The survey revealed that one person in 20 was in, or had been in, a relationship where one partner had
been forced to have sex against their will.

This was reported by five times as many women as men.

One woman in 10 said they could accept a single instance of forced sex, but Almost half the
very few would tolerate it on a regular basis. Almost nine out of 10 said it would respondents thought it was
end the relationship. up to the people concerned
to sort it out, behind
Thirty per cent of all those questioned said that in some circumstances closed doors
domestic violence could be forgiven, although women were less forgiving.

Almost half the respondents thought it was up to the people concerned to sort it
out, behind closed doors.

Only 29% thought that the police should always be called in such cases.

But a majority - 62% - thought that information about people who hit their partners should be shared
among the police and social services.
People were also questioned about cases where a victim of domestic violence had killed or maimed the
abusing partner.

Three out of 10 thought that the victim of the abuse should not be prosecuted, although twice as many
thought they should face charges.

Criminal

The extent of domestic violence has always been difficult to measure because many people are reluctant
to talk about their own experiences.

This survey confirms that it is still a major social problem that affects people of all ages and social
classes, right across the country.

Of those with relationships, past or present, half said they had no personal experience of domestic
violence, either physical or verbal.

But many others reported a wide range of abusive behaviour, ranging from hurtful name calling to more
serious forms of aggression that were clearly criminal.

Yet the survey also shows that the country is far from agreed about the way the police should respond to
domestic violence.

ICM interviewed a random sample of 1020 adults aged 18+, face to face, between 25th and 31st
January 2003. Interviews were conducted across the country and the data has been weighted to
the profile of all adults.

The poll marks the beginning of the BBC's Hitting Home series which looks at the issues around
domestic violence across TV, radio and online.