Moated beyond recognition once they get their hands on a shotgun.
DON’T BE A LEECH
No-one’s going to listen to me when I say this, but: NEVER take an individual line of coke fromanyone. Trust me, it’s good advice. If you’re getting on it, commit and buy your own. You’re going towant a lot of it and there are no words in the world to describe how icky it is watching someone elsescout around for spare coke (that’s an oxymoron BTW). Guys will use coke to persuade you to fuck them and if you think you’d never do that for drugs you’ve obviously never run out of coke at 3 AM.
BEWARE THE LEECHES
When boys tell you ‘You’ve had too much’, what they often mean is ‘Let me have the rest of your ketamine’ so don’t let some concerned arsehole throw you off course. However, if you’re puking, blacking out and you can feel your liver dissolving into your bloodstream, maybe you should slowdown. Let’s not turn this drug deal into a manslaughter.
BOYS: HURRY UP AND CUM
Boys: when you’re fucking us or have us down on our knees, please concentrate. The crap about howdrugs keeps you going for hours is not necessarily music to our ears and the chances are that, at thisseedy stage, we just want a quick shot of satisfaction. Any blowjob that goes on longer than 20 minutesis tedious enough sober, so when we’re rapidly coming down on the piss-soaked floor of an unlockabletoilet cubicle, get in and get out as quickly as you’re obliterated body will allow you to.
DON’T FORGET YOUR BACKBONE IF YOU COME BACK BONED
Don’t go around telling everyone some guy took advantage of you. It’s lame for you because you’re basically admitting you’ve slept with someone you wouldn’t have slept with sober, and it’s lame for them because you just accused them of rape.
MAKE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE IN SPORTSWEAR
Boys won’t do this because they think they’ll get beaten up, but befriend someone in sportswear andyou’ll never be in need of a Rizla.
Double-dropped and still not up? Grab a guy and walk anywhere. I have no idea why, but the thoughtof a mission is one that really lets your brain know that it should be flooding your body with drugfeelings. By the time you return to the party you’re guaranteed to be in a cute mood and if the guy’s anygood you’ll have formed a “special bond” which, six or seven months down the line, he’ll confuse with“love”; something he’s already confused with “fancying your mate”.
IF ON GAK, DON’T KODAK
The camera is not your friend, it’s a bastard enemy. Why do people choose the evenings when they’reat their most ugly and stupid to spend the night pointing cameras at themselves and each other? Roundthese people up and leave them to die on an island. A twisted mouth, one eye rolled back in your head,mascara and eyeliner applied like bruises beneath sweaty hair on a prostitute’s red face and clothesstained with every liquid in the room isn’t a look that needs preserving in a digital format for strangersto view on the internet for all eternity.
Home is where your heart is? No it’s not: home is where your bed is. It’s where YOUR keys openYOUR door, it’s where you can expel all of last night’s poisons from your body in comfort and mostimportantly it’s a place you can tell other people to get out of (and not the other way around).
Make-up and drugs do not go together. You’ll sweat most of it off like a melting ice sculpture andwhat’s left smudged across your face looks nowhere near as chic as your reflection on the back of that