Self-Esteem

 Self-esteem is the disposition to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the
basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness. It is confidence in the efficacy of
our mind, in our ability to think.

 By extension, it is confidence in our ability to learn, make appropriate choices and decisions,
and respond effectively to change. It is also the experience that success, achievement,
fulfillment—happiness—are right and natural for us.

 Self-esteem is not the euphoria or buoyancy that may be temporarily induced by a drug, a
compliment, or a love affair. It is not an illusion or hallucination. If it is not grounded in reality,
if it is not built over time through the appropriate operation of mind, it is not self-esteem.
 Building Self-Esteem

In “The Six Pillars of Self Esteem,” I examine the six practices that I have found to
be essential for the nurturing and sustaining of healthy self-esteem: the practice of
living consciously, of self-acceptance, of self-responsibility, of self-assertiveness,
of purposefulness, and of integrity. I will briefly define what each of these practices
means:
 The practice of living consciously: respect for facts; being present to
what we are doing while are doing it; seeking and being eagerly
open to any information, knowledge, or feedback that bears on our
interests, values, goals, and projects; seeking to understand not only
the world external to self but also our inner world, so that we do not
out of self-blindness.
 Building Self-Esteem

 The practice of self-acceptance: the willingness to own, experience, and take

responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and actions, without evasion, denial, or disowning—
and also without self-repudiation; giving oneself permission to think one’s thoughts,
experience one’s emotions, and look at one’s actions without necessarily liking, endorsing, or
condoning them; the virtue of realism applied to the self.

 The practice of self-responsibility: realizing that we are the author of our choices
and actions; that each one us is responsible for life and well-being and for the attainment of
our goals; that if we need the cooperation of other people to achieve our goals, we must offer
values in exchange; and that question is not “Who’s to blame?” but always “What needs to
be done?” (“What do I need to do?”)
 Building Self-Esteem

 The practice of self-assertiveness: being authentic in our dealings with others; treating
our values and persons with decent respect in social contexts; refusing to fake the reality of
who we are or what we esteem in order to avoid disapproval; the willingness to stand up for
ourselves and our ideas in appropriate ways in appropriate contexts.
 The practice of living purposefully: identifying our short-term and long-term goals or purposes
and the actions needed to attain them (formulating an action-plan); organizing behavior in the
service of those goals; monitoring action to be sure we stay on track; and paying attention to
outcome so as to recognize if and when we need to go back to the drawing-board.
 The practice of personal integrity: living with congruence between what we know, what
we profess, and what we do; telling the truth, honoring our commitments, exemplifying in
action the values we profess to admire.
 Self-Esteem

Branden’s description of self-esteem includes the following primary properties:

 self-esteem as a basic human need, i.e., "...it makes an essential contribution to the life process", "...is
indispensable to normal and healthy self-development, and has a value for survival."
 self-esteem as an automatic and inevitable consequence of the sum of individuals' choices in using their
consciousness
 something experienced as a part of, or background to, all of the individuals thoughts, feelings and
actions.

Branden's concept of self-esteem is graduated, involving three main levels:

 To have a high self-esteem is to feel confidently capable for life, or, in Branden's words, to
feel able and worthy, or to feel right as a person.
 To have a low self-esteem corresponds to not feeling ready for life, or to feeling wrong as a
person.
 To have a middle ground self-esteem is to waver between the two states above, that is, to
feel able and useless, right and wrong as a person, and to show these incongruities in
behavior, acting at times wisely, and at rashly others, thus reinforcing insecurity.
 Implicit Self-Esteem

 Implicit self-esteem refers to a person's disposition to evaluate themselves in a spontaneous,

automatic, or unconscious manner. It contrasts with explicit self-esteem, which entails more
conscious and reflective self-evaluation. Both explicit and implicit self-esteem are
constituents of self-esteem.

 Both explicit self-esteem and implicit self-esteem are subtypes of self-esteem proper.

 Implicit self-esteem is assessed using indirect measures of Congnitive Processing. Such

indirect measures are designed to reduce awareness of, or control of, the process of
assessment. When used to assess implicit self-esteem, they feature stimuli designed to
represent the self
 Implicit Self-Esteem

Variations
 Level and quality of self-esteem, though correlated, remain distinct:
 in terms of its constancy over time (stability)
 in terms of its independence of meeting particular conditions (non-contingency)
 in terms of its ingrained nature at a basic psychological level (implicitness or automatized)
 Congnitive Processing

 Cognition is the scientific term for "the process of thought". Usage of the term varies in
different disciplines; for example in psycholoy and congnitive science, it usually refers to an
information processing view of an individual's psychological functions. Other interpretations
of the meaning of cognition link it to the development of concepts; individual minds, groups,
and organizations.
 Positive Indicators

 People with a healthy level of self-esteem

 firmly believe in certain values and principles, and are ready to defend them even when finding
opposition, feeling secure enough to modify them in light of experience.
 are able to act according to what they think to be the best choice, trusting their own judgement,
and not feeling guilty when others don't like their choice.
 do not lose time worrying excessively about what happened in the past, nor about what could
happen in the future. They learn from the past and plan for the future, but live in the present
intensely.
 fully trusts in their capacity to solve problems, not hesitating after failures and difficulties. They
ask others for help when they need it.
 consider themselves equal in dignity to others, rather than inferior or superior, while accepting
differences in certain talents, personal prestige or financial standing.
 take for granted that he is an interesting and valuable person for others, at least for those with
whom he has a friendship.
 resist manipulation, collaborate with others only if it seems appropriate and convenient.
 admits and accepts different internal feelings and drives, either positive or negative, revealing
those drives to others only when they choose.
 are able to enjoy a great variety of activities.
 are sensitive to feelings and needs of others; respect generally accepted social rules, and claim
no right or desire to prosper at others' expense.
 Negative Indicators

 A person with low self-esteem may show some of the following symptoms:
 Heavy self-criticism, tending to create a habitual state of dissatisfaction with oneself.
 Hypersensitivity to criticism, which makes oneself feel easily attacked and experience
obstinate resentment against critics.
 Chronic indecision, not so much because of lack of information, but from an
exaggerated fear of making a mistake.
 Excessive will to please: being unwilling to say "no", out of fear of displeasing the
petitioner.
 Perfectionism, or self-demand to do everything attempted "perfectly" without a single
mistake, which can lead to frustration when perfection is not achieved.
 Neurotic guilt: one is condemned for behaviors which not always are objectively bad,
exaggerates the magnitude of mistakes or offenses and complains about them
indefinitely, never reaching full forgiveness.
 Floating hostility, irritability out in the open, always on the verge of exploding even
for unimportant things; an attitude characteristic of somebody who feels bad about
everything, who is disappointed or unsatisfied with everything.
 Defensive tendencies, a general negative (one is pessimistic about everything: life,
future, and, above all, oneself) and a general lack of will to enjoy life.
 Theories

 Many early theories suggested that self-esteem is a basic human need or motivation.
American psychologist Abraham Maslow, for example, included self-esteem in his hierarchy
of needs. He described two different forms of esteem: the need for respect from others and
the need for self-respect, or inner self-esteem. Respect from others entails recognition,
acceptance, status, and appreciation, and was believed to be more fragile and easily lost
than inner self-esteem. According to Maslow, without the fulfillment of the self-esteem need,
individuals will be driven to seek it and unable to grow and obtain self-actualization.

 Modern theories of self-esteem explore the reasons humans are motivated to maintain a high
regard for themselves. Sociometer theory maintains that self-esteem evolved to check one's
level of status and acceptance in ones' social group. According to terror management theory,
self-esteem serves a protective function and reduces anxiety about life and death.
 Parental Influence

 Parental habits, whether positive or negative, can influence the

development of those same habits of self-perception in their
children.
 Awareness of What Affects Our Self-Esteem

 Self-esteem reflects our deepest vision of our competence and worth.

Sometimes this vision is our most closely guarded secret, even from
ourselves, as when we try to compensate for our deficiencies with
what I call pseudo-self-esteem—a pretense at a self-confidence and
self-respect we do not actually feel. Nothing is more common than
the effort to protect self-esteem not with consciousness but with
unconsciousness—with denial and evasion—which only results in a
further deterioration of self-esteem. Indeed a good deal of the
behavior we call “neurotic” can be best understood as a misguided
effort to protect self-esteem by means which in fact are undermining.
 Awareness of What Affects Our Self-Esteem

 Whether or not we admit it, there is a level at which all of us know that the issue of
our self-esteem is of the most burning importance. Evidence for this observation is
the defensiveness with which insecure people may respond when their errors are
pointed out. Or the extraordinary feats of avoidance and self-deception people can
exhibit with regard to gross acts of unconsciousness and irresponsibility. Or the
foolish and pathetic ways people sometimes try to prop up their egos by the wealth
or prestige of their spouse, the make of their automobile, or the fame of their dress
designer, or by the exclusiveness of their golf club. In more recent times, as the
subject of self-esteem has gained increasing attention, one way of masking one’s
problems in this area is with the angry denial that self-esteem is significant (or
desirable).
 Awareness of What Affects Our Self-Esteem

 Not all the values with which people may attempt to support a pseudo-self-esteem
are foolish or irrational. Productive work, for instance, is certainly a value to be
admired, but if one tries to compensate for a deficient self-esteem by becoming a
workaholic one is in a battle one can never win—nothing will ever feel like
“enough.” Kindness and compassion are undeniably virtues, and they are part of
what it means to lead a moral life, but they are no substitutes for consciousness,
independence, self-responsibility, and integrity—and when this is not understood
they are often used as disguised means to buy “love” and perhaps even a sense of
moral superiority: “I’m more kind and compassionate than you’ll ever be and if I
weren’t so humble I’d tell you so.”
 Awareness of What Affects Our Self-Esteem

 One of the great challenges to our practice of living consciously is to pay attention
to what in fact nurtures our self-esteem or deteriorates it. The reality may be very
different from our beliefs. We may, for example, get a very pleasant “hit” from
someone’s compliment, and we may tell ourselves that when we win people’s
approval we have self-esteem, but then, if we are adequately conscious, we may
notice that the pleasant feeling fades rather quickly and that we seem to be
insatiable and never fully satisfied—and this may direct us to wonder if we have
thought deeply enough about the sources of genuine self-approval. Or we may
notice that when we give our conscientious best to a task, or face a difficult truth
with courage, or take responsibility for our actions, or speak up when we know that
that is what the situation warrants, or refuse to betray our convictions, or persevere
even when persevering is not easy—our self-esteem rises. We may also notice that
if and when we do the opposite, self-esteem falls. But of course all such
observations imply that we have chosen to be conscious.
In the world of the future, children will be taught the basic dynamics of self-esteem
and the power of living consciously and self-responsibly. They will be taught what
self-esteem is, why it is important, and what it depends on. They will learn to
distinguish between authentic self-esteem and pseudo-self-esteem. They will be
guided to acquire this knowledge because it will have become apparent to virtually
everyone that the ability to think (and to learn and to respond confidently to change)
is our basic means of survival—and that it cannot be faked. The purpose of school
is to prepare young people for the challenges of adult life. They will need this
understanding to be adaptive to an information age in which self-esteem has
acquired such urgency. In a fiercely competitive global economy—with every kind
of change happening faster and faster—there is little market for unconsciousness,
passivity, or self-doubt. In the language of business, low self-esteem and
underdeveloped mindfulness puts one at a competitive disadvantage. However,
neither teachers in general nor teachers of self-esteem in particular can do their
jobs properly—or communicate the importance of their work—until they themselves
understand the intimate linkage that exists between the six practices described
above, self-esteem, and appropriate adaptation to reality. “The world of the future”
begins with this understanding.
 Shame
 Shame is, variously, an affect, emotion, cognition,
state, or condition. The roots of the word shame are
thought to derive from an older word meaning to cover;
as such, covering oneself, literally or figuratively, is a
natural expression of shame.
 Description
 Nineteenth century scientist Charles Darwin, in his book
The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals , described shame affect as
consisting of blushing, confusion of mind, downward cast eyes, slack posture, and
lowered head, and he noted observations of shame affect in human populations
worldwide. He also noted the sense of warmth or heat (associated with the
vasodilation of the face and skin) occurring in intense shame.
 A "sense of shame" is the consciousness or awareness of shame as a state or
condition. Such shame cognition may occur as a result of the experience of shame
affect or, more generally, in any situation of embarrassment, dishonor, disgrace,
inadequacy, humiliation, or chagrin.
 A condition or state of shame may also be assigned externally, by others, regardless
of the one's own experience or awareness. "To shame" generally means to actively
assign or communicate a state of shame to another. Behaviors designed to "uncover"
or "expose" others are sometimes used for this purpose, as are utterances like
"Shame!" or "Shame on you!"
 Finally, to "have shame" means to maintain a sense of restraint against offending
others (as with modesty, humility, and deference) while to "have no shame" is to
behave without such restraint (as with excessive pride or hubris).
 Shame vs. guilt and embarrassment

 The location of the dividing line between the concepts of shame, guilt,
and embarrassment is not fully standardized.
 According to cultural anthropologist Ruth Benedict, shame is a violation of cultural
or social values while guilt feelings arise from violations of one's internal values.
Thus, it is possible to feel ashamed of thought or behavior that no one knows about
and to feel guilty about actions that gain the approval of others.
 Psychoanalyst Helen B. Lewis argued that "The experience of shame is directly
about the self, which is the focus of evaluation. In guilt, the self is not the central
object of negative evaluation, but rather the thing done is the focus." Similarly,
Fossum and Mason say in their book Facing Shame that "While guilt is a painful
feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling
about oneself as a person." Following this line of reasoning, Psychiatrist Judith
Lewis Herman concludes that "Shame is an acutely self-conscious state in which
the self is 'split,' imagining the self in the eyes of the other; by contrast, in guilt the
self is unified."
 Shame vs. guilt and embarrassment

 Clinical psychologist Gershen Kaufman's view of shame is derived

from that of Affect Theory, namely that shame is one of a set of
instinctual, short-duration physiological reactions to stimulation. In
this view, guilt is considered to be a learned behavior consisting
essentially of self-directed blame or contempt, with shame occurring
consequent to such behaviors making up a part of the overall
experience of guilt. Here, self-blame and self-contempt mean the
application, towards (a part of) one's self, of exactly the same
dynamic that blaming of, and contempt for, others represents when
it is applied interpersonally. Kaufman saw that mechanisms such as
blame or contempt may be used as a defending strategy against the
experience of shame and that someone who has a pattern of
applying them to himself may well attempt to defend against a
shame experience by applying self-blame or self-contempt. This,
however, can lead to an internalized, self-reinforcing sequence of
shame events for which Kaufman coined the term "shame spiral".
 Shame vs. guilt and embarrassment

 One view of difference between shame and embarrassment says

that shame does not necessarily involve public humiliation while
embarrassment does, that is, one can feel shame for an act known
only to oneself but in order to be embarrassed one's actions must
be revealed to others. In the field of ethics (moral psychology, in
particular), however, there is debate as to whether or not shame is
a heteronomous emotion, i.e. whether or not shame does involve
recognition on the part of the ashamed that they have been judged
negatively by others. Immanuel Kant and his followers held that
shame is heteronomous; Bernard Williams and others have argued
that shame can be autonomous. Shame may carry the connotation
of a response to something that is morally wrong whereas
embarrassment is the response to something that is morally neutral
but socially unacceptable. Another view of shame and
embarrassment says that the two emotions lie on a continuum and
only differ in intensity.
 Subtypes

 Genuine shame: is associated with genuine dishonor, disgrace, or

condemnation.
 False shame: is associated with false condemnation as in the
double-bind form of false shaming; "he brought what we did to him
upon himself". Author and TV personality John Bradshaw calls
shame the "emotion that lets us know we are finite".
 Secret shame: describes the idea of being ashamed to be
ashamed, so causing ashamed people to keep their shame a secret.
 Vicarious shame: In the 1990s, psychologists introduced the
notion of vicarious shame, which refers to the experience of shame
on behalf of another person. Individuals vary in their tendency to
experience vicarious shame, which is related to neuroticism and to
the tendency to experience personal shame. Extremely shame-
prone people might even experience vicarious shame even to an
increased degree, in other words: shame on behalf of another
person who is already feeling shame on behalf of a third party (or
possibly on behalf of the individual proper).