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Mayhem - Violence as Public Entertainment (George Haydule]

Mayhem - Violence as Public Entertainment (George Haydule]

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Published by Gryswolf

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Published by: Gryswolf on May 16, 2011
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Violence As Public Entertainment
More From the Master of Malice
By: George Hayduke
In my last book, I made editorial hamburger out of a rude jock named Dave Kingman.This time I wish to pay honored homage to another retired baseball star, a clever youngchap named Jay Johnstone. An excellent ball player with a great sense of humor andreality, Johnstone is a natural Hayduker. Many of his escapades are related in his book Temporary Insanity, a highly recommended read.Johnstone makes a good point about two rules of Hayduking: revenge is a stew bestserved cold, and you don't wait around to get blamed for something you've just done.Johnstone writes:It was another triumph. By that time I was at the far end of the clubhouse, busydoing something else. Most guys want to be there to gloat....Not me....I won'teven be in the neighborhood. It's always better when someone else gets blamed.My mother, talk show hosts, and other worrying do-gooders are always asking me why Itell people ways to get revenge on their tormentors and other bullies. Besides being a bullybuster, my calling in life, I also feel my books and ideas help relieve stress in our mean-spirited world.In the Hayduke lexicon, stress is the confusion created when your mind overrides your own self's basic desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needsit. There is little sense in meeking it through until Earth-inheritance day. Or consider thatif you make yourself into a sheep, you will soon meet a very hungry fox, which is an oldRussian proverb as applicable today here in the land of the Great Satan as it was then inthe land of the Imperial Queen.We Americans say "Don't make waves," while our Sicilian friends use the old homily"Do not disturb the cattle," meaning about the same thing: Do not bother the cattle andthey will provide you with rich, sweet cream and calm, tender beef. You may consider this a literal analogy for our collective, dumped-upon public. Do you like being bulliedand shat upon? I don't and neither should you.You have to stand up to these bullies and bust their chops. I don't mean that literally, as I prefer the more subtle approaches that bend minds rather than bodies; in the long term,that is much more effective. Of course, if you can do both, well, I, ahh, cough, cough...This philosophy is a great deal like public opinion, and public opinion is like an elephant.If you prod it correctly, it will go where you wish, but until you are its master there isnothing much else that is powerful enough to stop it. So it is when dealing with bullies.
You can't be a wimp about this, someone who wouldn't go pop if he or she had amouthful of firecrackers. Of course, in civilized times, a gentlemanly or ladylikeunderstanding is fiine, but I sometimes feel it is better to carry a large caliber pistol.It all comes down to that one story told to the guys at the gun shop by the mighty hunter of people, games, toys, and fun times, my good pal, the nicely retired Donald C. Steffay,Gny. Sgt., USMC."One day when the Corps had me serving in Vietnam," the genial giant told hisspellbound audience, "a tiger and a bull got into a terrible fight. After a tremendousstruggle, the tiger killed the bull, then proceeded to eat the carcass."Filled and pleased with himself, this tiger threw back his head and let out a mighty roar.This mar attracted the attention of one of our kids on sentry, who promptly spotted thetiger and shot him dead on the spot."The moral of this story, guys, is when you are full of bull it's best to keep your mouthshut."As yet another old vet stretching the seams of middleaged girth, I can vouch for GunnySteffey's advice. After all, you can only do so much--when the Titanic is sinking, it doeslittle good to start bailing with a shot glass.One of the best pieces of advice I offer new Haydukers is not to brag about what you'regoing to do or have done. Do your business without any fanfare. You want to be like thatfellow who's wearing the blue wool suit and can't make it to the bathroom in time, so he pisses in his pants. He has this warm feeling, but nobody else knows what's going on.Learn to love anonymity.Anonymity is such a wimp-word, of course. I much prefer the simple advice given byAndrew McGeary as he surveyed the site of the Roark's Drift battle of Zulu War famewith his father and uncles. Young Andrew said, "When we McGearys go on safari, thelions roll up their windows."Animals usually have their shit together far better than we humans. After all, when thehungry owl drops in on the annual Mouse Day picnic, he has much more in mind thanentering the sack race. As in all nature, there are anomalies...and I used to be one.Freddie Sykes, my true identity in another life, once said that to truly get even with people for something hurtful they'd done to you, all you had to do was to "tear, then pullthe scab off their foot slowly, very slowly, just beyond the point of where it stings." OldFreddie was talking figuratively, of course.Yet as you begin your chortlingly personal journey through this book, I offer my ownfinal thoughts on the matter. Armed with the information in Mayhem!, you can be sure

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