....

Exes are from Uranus

Section 1
Introduction

Section 2
The Unstoppable PMS Monster
Suzy Homemaker's Evil Twin
Women Have Beards, Too
Needy, Greedy, and Just Plain Mean
Hey Stupid, Don't You Ever Listen?
Send Your Alien Back to Uranus When...

Section 3
She Was Only Good for the Sex, Anyway...
Ms. Ex - Nature's Way of Flipping the Bird
Things You'll Never, Ever Miss

Section 4
Getting Back in Orbit
Be a Man - Drink a Six Pack
Check Out that Chick's Orbs
Curse Her in Writing
Revenge Is Best Served Cold
Do NOT Try This at Home

Section 5
We Have Liftoff

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 Section 1
Introduction

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If
your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks
notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should
find you a temp."
~~~Bob Ettinger

When you first met, she was hot. I'm not talking about the average, decent
looking girl who you wouldn't mind taking out for a test ride. I'm talking about a
super sexy chick who was hot enough for you to sell your left nut on the black
market. Of course, you didn't sell either nut to anybody - or at least I hope not.
But the point is that you would have done it because she was just that perfect.

In the beginning, she strutted around you in her cute little outfits, complete with
color coordinated bras and panties. She applied make-up, styled her hair, and
always made sure her legs were soft and smooth.

As time went on, she apparently did a bit of shopping. Her cute little outfits were
pushed to the back of her closet, while the front of her closet looked a lot like
your closet. She also traded her g-strings and thongs for panties that covered
just about everything. She wore less make-up, spent less time on her hair, and
introduced you to the concept of leg stubble.

Still, things were okay.

By the end, she must have donated her entire wardrobe to the poor. You went
through her entire closet, and those sexy little numbers she used to wear were
missing. In their place was a variety of sweatshirts, sweat jackets, sweat pants,
and sweaty sweat laundry. She must have outgrown her bra and panty sets,
because all you could find in her underwear drawer was what looked remarkably
like the underwear your great-great-grandfather wore. She completely
abandoned her make-up, and insisted in tying her unwashed hair in a sloppy
knot. The worst part was that her leg stubble turned into full-blown man-hair.

By the end, you were dating a dude - and an ugly one, at that.

Now the relationship is over, and you miss your butch bitch. You miss the way
she went down on you those four times in the beginning. You miss the way she
looked while she slept - the only time she would just shut the fuck up. You even
miss the feel of her warm leg brushing against yours and giving you rug burn.

And the fact that you miss her so much really pisses you off.

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Still, it's understandable. Women have the ability to grow on us - sort of like a
fungus. The only difference between your ex and that fungal infection you caught
on both feet from showering without flip-flops in your college dorm, is that there
isn't a cream, gel, spray, or ointment that can eliminate her from your life.

Since your ex is awfully similar to a mosquito - except she didn't want your blood;
she wanted your soul - you could try to douse her with bug spray. Unfortunately,
that will probably accomplish nothing, other than eliminating her bug problem.
And you don't want to do her any favors.

So, the best thing you can do to get over an evil woman is act like a man. Adjust
your balls, remind yourself that they're still yours, and get on with your life. Throw
her and her emotional, crazy-person baggage out of your life and out of your
mind. It may not be easy, but it really is necessary.

Do whatever you have to do to forget about her. Go out and get shit-faced with
your buddies. Lose them and go home with a stripper. Grab a prostitute on the
way home to join the two of you. Hell, you can even ask the tourist on the side of
the road to come home and video tape all of it for your future enjoyment.
Whatever. That's your business. Just do whatever it takes to make you think of
anything but her.

I know it's hard to stop thinking about the succubus who sucked everything out of
you but your semen. But I guarantee you, the day will come. That day probably
won't be today. After all, she was a really, really wicked bitch. But some day,
you'll wake up, scratch your nuts, and think about a juicy steak. Or maybe you'll
think about that girl lying next to you in bed who you don't remember from the
night before. You might even think about the dream you had about hanging out
with Socrates.

The point is, you won't be thinking about HER.

In the meantime, you can take comfort knowing that you're not the only guy
who's been fucked over by a woman with no soul. (Just to clarify, I'm not talking
about the dancing kind of soul. But if she didn't have that kind of soul either, fuck
her twice as hard. You simply can't be bothered with a lousy human who can't
dance.)

Excuse me. I digress.

In any case, the point is that you really don't need her. Bitches may have gotten
their name from female dogs, but women are the ones who give that word an
entirely new meaning. So, remind yourself that she's just a rotten bitch. And if we
needed rotten bitches in our lives, we would head to the dog pound.

Happy reading, guys!

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 Section 2
The Unstoppable PMS Monster
(Or Why Men Die Sooner than their Evil Counterparts)

"Where would man be today if it wasn't for women? In the Garden of Eden,
eating watermelon and taking it easy."
- C. Kennedy

Men die sooner than women. It's a natural fact of life. And knowing the women
that I know, I can't say that I'm surprised.

As insane as they may be, women have great logic. They believe that they are
always right, we are always wrong, and we should always pay for being so
wrong. Being men, this logic sort of sucks. But you have to admire it. If I could
convince a woman that she should just shut up and do as I say, I would do it in a
heartbeat. I'm sure you would, too.

The problem is that a woman would never accept that. Sure, she seems perfectly
nice in the beginning. But then she goes through the change. I'm not talking
about menopause - though it doesn't seem much different. I'm talking about the,
"I've set the bait, reeled you in, and now your soul is mine" change. I'm talking
about transforming from that pretty, sexy little thang who adored you into that
controlling Queen Bitch who resembles Owen's mother in the movie "Throw
Mother From the Train".

And try as we might, no man has the power to prevent the change from
happening.

This section deals with various aspects of the change. If you experienced any of
these symptoms - and I'm sure you did - you're lucky you got out in time to save
your soul. It's quite possible that you could be going to Hell for some other shit
you did just for the fun of it, but that's not the point.

If you're gonna lose your soul, don't let it be because a woman sucked it out of
you.

Oh, and to answer the question as to why men die before women? It's because
they want to. That's how much women can drive us men happily into our braves.
We'll do anything to get away from them!

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Suzy Homemaker's Evil Twin

"I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they
send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me."
- Dick Martin

Back in the day, men had it made. They went to work and left their wives at
home. When they got back, they found a hot meal on the table, a clean house,
and their wives waiting to service them in any and all ways.

Spend a couple hours watching Nick at Nite and you'll see what I'm talking about.
Ricky Ricardo, Dick Van Dyke, Mike Brady, and Ward Cleaver had it made. Men
were lucky bastards back then.

And then came the day that women got opinions. This day is also known as the
day men ceased to rule the world.

As the old saying goes, "Opinions are like assholes. Everybody's got one."
Whoever came up with that phrase never had the chance to witness my ex'
asshole. Or her opinions. In either case, they're both full of shit.

Once women became opinionated, the world as man knew it changed.

Nowadays, you can go to work for 12 hours, single-handedly build her a laundry
room, and install a state of the art oven in the kitchen. While it sounds like these
things might give her a hint as to what you want, it just doesn't work that way.

You walk in the house exhausted, and find her sitting around in her pajamas.
Mind you, they're not the sexy ones she used to wear. Her hair is up in curlers
and her face is covered in white splotches that certainly did not come from your
body. She claims that it's an anti-aging mask. You really don't care.

The only thing that matters to you is that you're exhausted, starving, and dirty.
But the bed isn't made, there's no food on the table, and your dirty clothes are
still in the hamper. And there's your woman, covered in goo and glaring at you for
some unknown reason.

While she starts bitching at you, your eyes wander over to your gay neighbor's
window. He's sitting there with a nice cut of steak, a beer, and a smile. Your
stomach rumbles and you look back over at your female from Hell.

Obviously, something here went wrong.

If this has happened to you, welcome to the club. All over the world, men have to
contend with Suzy Homemaker's Evil Twin - and there's not a goddamned thing
we can do about it. That is, there's nothing we can do about it so long as we stay
with our satanic beasts.

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The good news is that your beast has left the building. Until you can find a new
beast to take her place, you're self-reliant. You can zap something in the
microwave or order take-out. There's really nothing to doing laundry. And
seriously, who cares about whether or not the bed is made? You're just gonna
make it a mess again, anyway.

So, here's to the revival of your bachelor pad. It probably won't look any different
than when she was there, other than the fact that you can clean out the tampon
drawer. This is the best news of all. In the words of South Park's Mr. Garrison,
"I'm sorry, but I just don't trust anything that bleeds for seven days and doesn't
die."

Neither do I, Mr. Garrison. Neither do I.

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Women Have Beards, Too

Growing up, I had certain ideas about gender roles that turned out to be
completely wrong. For instance, I thought men grew the beards and women were
naturally smooth. I thought men wore the pants while women wore dresses. I
also thought that men took a dump and women went poop.

It turns out that I was wrong.

Living with my ex taught me a lot of things. Women have mustaches and beards
that put men to shame. We just never hear about them until our medicine
cabinets fill up with cream hair removers, facial hair bleach, and at-home wax
kits.

Men are not the only ones with the pants in the relationship, either. Once we
lived together, the closest thing I saw my ex wear that resembled a dress was the
oversized housecoat she got from her grandmother. And she looks about as sexy
in that as her grandma does in the identical frock she bought for herself.

The worst misconception I had was thinking that women are not smelly, vile
things. Women do not go poop. They take nasty shits. I swear, my dog threw up
outside my bathroom when my ex lived with us. To be honest, I don't know what
smelled worse. This would not have been a problem if I got the right Suzy
Homemaker twin. As luck would have it, I got stuck with the evil one who doesn't
clean up after herself.

It's not until you get close to a woman that you see their gross nature firsthand.
Your assumptions that she rolled out of bed looking as beautiful as she was
when she went to sleep were wrong. Your belief that she was naturally hairless
was wrong again. Your ideas on how women are supposed to treat their men
were wrong.

Chances are that anything else you thought you knew was wrong, too.

This is because women are not from the same planet as us. They come from a
place where everybody looks like a man until they throw on a bit of make-up. It's
not until they invade our turf that we see that they're not like the women we know.
It's not until then that we realize that they're simply not human.

So, fellas, you can be happy to know that maybe the next one will be an
Earthling. Maybe you'll be able to live a normal life like you did before she turned
it upside down. Maybe you'll be able to have a drawer, cabinet, or closet to
yourself. Maybe your belongings won't disappear in the midst of her hair removal
kits, feminine hygiene products, cosmetics, and an arsenal of hair products.

And maybe we'd better keep dreaming - because without these products, we

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would never want to meet them in the first place.

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Needy, Greedy, and Just Plain Mean

"Ah, yes, divorce - from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet." - Robin Williams

A woman's favorite person is usually herself. Sure, she probably cared about you
at some point or another. But she probably cared more about the way that you
made her feel and the way she felt when she was around you.

This is because women are self-centered bitches.

The problem with being in a relationship is that it's usually all about her. If she
wants to talk, you better be in a chatty mood. If she wants to have sex, you better
saddle up. If she wants to be cuddled, you better stop what you're doing and lay
still. And if she's in a bad mood, you better brace yourself. You're gonna be in for
a long night.

Now if you want to talk, she'll twist your words around to make you look bad. If
you want to get laid, she'll tell you that she's not your fucking sex toy. If you want
to cuddle - well, you probably don't. But if you did, she would say she's too busy.
And if you're in a bad mood, you'll probably be in a terrible mood by the time
she's done with you.

As men, we quickly learn that our needs mean nothing.

Naturally, we get angry after women discard our needs like last night's used
condom. Once this happens, women like to make us seem like the bad guys.
Their eyes narrow. Their lips curl into a snarl. Their voices immediately raise
about ten octaves - and that's when we know that we'd better just shoot
ourselves, or learn to smile and nod.

Perhaps the worst sound known to man is the sound of a woman's whine.

While their voices shatter through our brains, they try to figure out what they did
wrong. They're suddenly very curious about the world and they need to know
everything. This means you're bound to be assaulted by an ass-load of whiny
questions.

"Why are you being so mean to me?"

"What did I ever do to you?"
"Don't you love me anymore?"

The whiny questions are annoying, but they are better than the angry statements
that are sure to follow.

"You're a real asshole."

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"I do everything for you and you treat me like shit."
"Fuck you, needle dick."

Ouch. And women wonder why men can act like assholes. It's not that we want
to be mean. We just have no choice. After all, you can't slay a dragon with
bologna. And dragons have nothing on what your ex is capable of doing.

The good news is, you're single now. You can be as big of an asshole as you
want. You no longer have any need to listen to her whine, bitch, or curse you for
being a man. You have the complete freedom to do whatever you want, whether
she likes it or not.

You can sit on your white furniture naked. You can scratch your balls while you
hold your sandwich. You can even glue the toilet seat up. The world is your
oyster, and you can do as you please. Best of all, you can be a man again.

Congratulations on getting your balls back.

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Hey Stupid, Don't You Ever Listen?

Women like to talk. Other than their strange grooming rituals, this is their favorite
thing to do. The problem is that we're men. Unless they have something pretty
damn interesting to say, we don't really want to listen. And even when we do
listen, it's rather pointless. As women like to point out, we never know what
they're saying.

Now, this is not our fault. When a woman asks us a question, we assume she
wants to know the truth. If that dress does make her look fat, she's probably
better off knowing. If she does look like an idiot, she deserves to know about that,
too. At least, that's what a logical person would think.

Unfortunately, logic is not part of the female vocabulary.

It turns out that women do not want the truth. They want to hear just about the
furthest thing from the truth imaginable. This should not be a problem. Men can
lie. We're actually quite good at it. Unfortunately, women also want us to listen.

It's not sufficient to just compliment her whenever she opens her mouth. We have
to hear her words, process them, and come up with a response before we forget
the topic of conversation. This is much easier than it sounds. As a general rule of
thumb, tell your girlfriend, wife, mistress, or whoever she may be, the exact
opposite of what you're thinking. That's usually enough to keep you out of trouble
- at least for a little while.

For your ex, it's too late. She's gone, so fuck her.

But the next time a hottie asks for the 'truth,' you can know what to do. If she
asks if she looks fat, tell her she's the most beautiful girl you've ever seen. If
that's not enough, tell her you really need to see her naked before you can judge.
Assuming that the girl was not a stranger, she'll be delighted by the compliment.
That, and you'll probably wind up getting some.
Any time that you can ease yourself out of an awkward situation AND get laid is a
good time had by all.

So, get out there and have the time of your life.

You deserve it.

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Send Your Alien Back to Uranus When...

10. She invites you over for a candlelight dinner, but you notice she replaced the
candles with dynamite.

9. You want to have sex with her, but she refuses because she has her period.
You're pretty sure she's had it for the past 19 days.

8. She 'helps you out' by doing your laundry. Your new wardrobe looks just like
your old one, but everything is pink.

7. For your birthday, she buys you a single ticket to Las Vegas and a box of
unopened condoms. She tells you not to open the box until you get there.

6. You tell her that you're highly allergic to peanuts. She packs a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich in your lunch.

5. You're still highly allergic to peanuts. She covers herself in peanut butter and
tells you that she'll only fuck you after you go down on her.

4. You take her dog for a walk because she isn't feeling well. When you get back,
there's a newly installed doggy door and a new lock.

3. She used to respond to your questions with a simple, "Yes, dear." Now she
responds with "Yes, Satan."

2. She used to wrinkle her nose if you accidentally let one rip. Now you see that
she could out-fart you any day.

1. You show your affection by buying her a bunny. She shows her affection by
sautéing it for dinner.

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 Section 3
She Was Only Good for the Sex, Anyway...
(And a hooker WILL take it up HERanus!)

"Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, 'Government Health

Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, genitals, current account,
confidence, razor blades, and good standing among your friends'." - Jeffrey
Bernard

If you really think about it, women aren't good for all that much. Sure, it's nice to
have a portable cum dumpster. It's also nice to have somebody else cook, clean,
and do all the other annoying things we'd rather not do ourselves. But let's be
honest - your ex probably wasn't worth the trouble she gave you. After all, you
can just as easily get yourself off with the added perk of not having to cuddle
afterwards. And it's not too hard to replicate her microwavable dinners, or to dial
the number for the nearest pizza place.

So, fuck her. Fuck her right in heranus.

Unless she's a porn star, she's really not worth it. (And if she was a porn star, I
give you my condolences. It sucks to be you more than I thought.)

Assuming she was like most women, you're probably much better off without her.
The last section most likely made you wonder why the hell you stuck around for
so long. This section will reiterate exactly why she wasn't worth the frustration.

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Ms. Ex - Nature's Way of Flipping You the Bird

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep
her." - Sacha Guitry

A common TV theme is women who initially appear perfect, but wind up being
super bitches from beyond this world. South Park addressed this issue when
Chef nearly had his soul sucked out of him by a succubus. Buffy the Vampire
Slayer covered these grounds when Xander was lured to the layer of a praying
mantis, and nearly had his head eaten for dinner. Sure, he would have gotten
laid, but he would not have lived to see it happen.

And if you only take one thing out of reading this e-book, let it be this: It's okay to
lose your head over a woman, but not in the literal sense.

The fact of the matter is that not all women are what they appear to be. More
often than not, they're the exact opposite of what you would expect. As innocent
or ditzy as they may seem, do NOT let them fool you.

Women know what they are doing. They lure you in by flaunting their bodies and
acting sweet. They appear prim and proper. They make you think that all is right
in your world. And then they suck the life right out of you. Why? Because they
can. That, and because they're evil little bitches.

All women are succubuses at heart. And if they didn't have to worry about legal
repercussions, they wouldn't hesitate to rip off your head and eat you for dinner.
Of course, a woman would say that's ridiculous. She probably sees herself as
more of a black widow. After all, she may be a bitch, but she's not into
cannibalism.

The point is, women are evil and they know it. If they didn't think so, they would
act the same through all stages of your relationship. They would skip over the
'perfection with a pussy' act, and cut to the chase. If women had nothing to hide,
they would walk up to you, grab you by the balls, and tell you that life as you
know it is over. If you were to object, they would simply bash you in the nuts and
say, "Come with me."

Since they know they couldn't get very far with that kind of behavior, women
cover their distorted alien selves with cute little masks. They hide everything they
don't want us to see inside their coordinated bra and panty sets. And we don't
suspect a thing until they strip off their sexy cover-ups and slip into something a
lot more comfortable. (Like their granny panties and your favorite sweatshirt.)

Truth be told, we probably wouldn't notice if a woman had green antennae

sticking off her head as long as she could distract us with her tits.

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Now don't get my wrong. I like a nice set of tits in my face as much as the next
guy. (Except that gay guy over there.) But some things just aren't worth the
hassle. Unless you're into having a woman shit all over you in the bedroom, it's
best not to let her shit all over you in your every day life. If that is your kind of
thing, that's your business. I'm not a woman, though, so I don't want to sit around
and chat about it.

Even if I knew that a woman was plotting to rip my head off, there's a good
chance I would stay with her, so long as she kept me distracted with her boobs.
The major problem with women is that when they get comfortable, their tits and
asses disappear into the oversized clothes they wear.

And then I forget why I'm there in the first place.

If you can't remember why you were there in the first place, you probably know
that you're much better off without her. Life is way too short to spend it doing
things that you're better off not doing. Actually, let me rephrase that. Life is way
too short to spend it doing people that you're better off not doing - at least not in
the long run.

And there are other tits out there. Better ones.

So, take my advice. Give her a final pat on the ass, grab your shit, and step away
from the succubus. Say good-bye to her out-of-control leg stubble. Say adios to
her constant nagging. Say ciao to her opinions on everything.

And then you can say, "At least I got out alive."

15
Don't Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out. Bitch.
Things You'll Never, Ever Miss

30. Her idea of good music

29. Her constant need to talk

28. Everybody in her bloodline

27. Her whiny, chatty girlfriends

26. Wasting away so you can cuddle

25. Watching chick flicks

24. "What are you thinking about?"

23. Her asking you to fix shit for her

22. Her asking you to fix other people's shit

21. "Are you finished yet?"

20. Her love for all food that gives you the runs

19. The way she blames everything on you

18. Being designated as the official bug killer of the house

17. The PMS she's had every day for the past three months

16. The way she goes on sex strikes whenever she doesn't get her way

15. The way you gave in to her demands to end said sex strikes

14. Pulling long chains of her hair out of your drain every two weeks

13. The way she looks exactly like her grandfather before she has her morning
coffee

12. The way she looks exactly like her mother after she has her morning coffee

11. The 149 unidentifiable grooming objects she scattered throughout your
bathroom

10. The way she sprouted fangs and horns when she had to go shopping

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because of a sale

9. Her evil look that indicates that you are not gonna get any for a good, long
while

8. The way she sticks to her vow not to fuck you because "you've got nothing on
her favorite vibrator"

7. The way she made herself cry to make you feel bad whenever she was wrong
about something

6. The way she wakes up looking like an entirely different species than she was
before she fell asleep

5. The way she wanted you to kiss her every morning, even though it smelled like
something died in her mouth

4. Waking up every morning and trying to figure out what you should apologize
for today - because everything is always your fault

3. The t-shirt and track pants she traded all her sexy clothes in for on the day you
first said, "I love you"

2. Her bitching about giving you head - even though she's the one who's always
asking for more quiet time

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU'LL NEVER, EVER MISS ABOUT THE
EVIL BITCH MONSTER WHO RUINED YOUR LIFE IS...

1. Her very existence on Earth - because you seriously don't need her any more
than you need syphilis

"The trouble with finding your perfect soul mate is that she would probably want
to get married, then four weeks after the wedding you would meet another
perfect soul mate, with larger breasts." - James Knowles

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 Section 4
Getting Back in Orbit
(Or How to Forget the Evil Bitch Monster that Ruined Your Life)

"Men are superior to women. For one thing, men can urinate from a speeding
car." - Will Durst

At this point, I'm sure you hate your ex, as well you should. She was a hairy,
scary monster; her shit did smell; there are better tits out there; and she ruined
your life - at least for a little while. It's okay for you to be angry. That's a perfectly
natural way to feel. In fact, anger is about the best thing you can expect after
coming out of the relationship from Hell.

Now you need to learn how to focus on getting your life back. You need to push
your anger to the side and remember all that was good in your life before she
fucked you over. You need to get back out there and experience your life. You've
wasted enough time moping.

Now it's time to pack up your shit and bring your balls with you.

This section will teach you how to do just that. It will explore various ways for you
to feel better for now and in the long run. If you still feel like shit by the time
you're done reading this, read it again. Make it your mantra. Then go out and do
as you're told - as tired as you are of hearing commands, this is one you really
should follow.

I promise. Your dick will thank you.

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Be a Man - Drink a Six Pack

Some people say that liquor doesn't solve anything. They say that beer, wine, or
a good, hard shot of alcohol are pointless. They tell you that alcohol won't get rid
of your pain; only time will.

Well, I know those people, and they're just plain stupid.

If you're looking for a quick fix for feeling better, you need to get drunk. Head to
the bar, go to a club, or have your buddies over. All of these options are fine, so
long as you're not alone. Sure, you can drink alone if you really want. More likely
than not, lonely drinking will do nothing more than remind you of how lonely you
are.

And you already know that you're lonely. That's why you're reading this e-book.

So, grab your buddies, get out there, and forget about how alone you feel. Forget
about the stupid bitch that broke your heart. Forget about everything that led up
to that point. Forget all the reasons you should have seen it coming. Forget about
those people who say that drinking doesn't solve anything.

You just need to go out, have a great time, and forget everything. And if you're
looking to forget, a night of drinking will certainly help.

I don't care if you're 21, 32, or 76 years old. Drunkenness does not discriminate
by age. Of course, states do. In fact, they don't fuck around about their
discrimination laws. If you're under 21 and you're reading this, forget everything I
just said. Go have a soda pop or something. Sorry. I didn't make the law.

Also, designated driver. I'm not for paying your stupid DUI or DWI.

Assuming that you're old enough to go to a bar, you should do just that. Drink
until you can drink no more. Take a shot for the brokenhearted 20 year old who's
moping over his soda pop. Hell, drink a bit more after that, too. You have a
designated driver. That's why you brought your buddies along. So, don't be shy.
Tonight is your night and I'm sure your friends want you to make the most of it,
too.

Get out there, do your thing, and have a great time doing it. Just make sure you
have a throw-up bucket waiting by your bed when you get home. You might not
need it, but you'll sure be happy to have it if you do.

Cheers!

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Check Out that Chick's Orbs

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a

pretty good one." - Woody Allen

Nothing goes better with a cold beer than a nice set of tits. That may sound
barbaric, but not one of you can deny it. We're men. Men want boobs. End of
story. Of course, not all women are as eager to hand them over as we would like.
But that's no matter.

That's why God created the nudie bar.

Out of all my favorite places to be, strip clubs are at the top of the list. There you
can ogle without shame. You can pay a girl to show you exactly what you want.
You can hoot and holler until closing time. And the best part is that it's fully legal.

When it comes to strip clubs, Al Bundy says it best:

"Where bucks are enough to see their stuff - AT THE NUDIE BAR!"
"Where the breasts may be fake, but man do they shake - AT THE NUDIE BAR!"
"Where you swear like a sailor, and wish you could nail her - AT THE NUDIE
BAR!"

High five for the nudie bar, guys. Really. It's like Disney World with beer and
boobs. It just doesn't get any better than that.

And if you're trying to distract yourself from what's going on in the rest of the
world, I can pretty much guarantee that the nudie bar is the place for you. Hell,
there could be a full-blown war occurring right out front of the strip club, and
you'd never even know it. And you probably wouldn't care if you did know.

Of course, strip clubs aren't usually the greatest places to meet women that you
want to see outside their line of work. And the last thing a stripper wants to do
when she gets out of work is strip for you.

Sure, some women go to female strip clubs. Unfortunately, most of them are
trying to satisfy the same needs as you.

If you're looking for somebody that might be willing to go home with you, it's
probably best that you skip the strip club. Or at least, it's best if that's not where
you are at closing time. If you want to meet women, you need to throw yourself
into the places that women like best. No, I'm not talking about the male strip club.
(Though you could probably meet a TON of women there!) I'm talking about bars,
dance clubs, and other social places.

If you're strictly looking to get laid, don't waste your time at a classy place.

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Chances are that most of the women there are looking for more than a free beer
and a free fuck. Sure, there might be a couple of them who don't want any more
than that. But you'll probably get slapped across the face at least three or four
times before you find the one or two willing women. And if one woman sees
another lady slap you, she might slap you too, just for the fun of it.

When sex is the only thing on your mind, try meat-market bars and dance clubs.
If a girl is willing to grind against you to the music, she might be willing to grind
uglies with you at home, too. This is obviously not a sure thing. The mere
suggestion could get you slapped. But your odds are better than they would be at
a piano bar.

If you're looking for sex and relationships, your chances of success will triple.
You can go to just about any bar, club, or social event. As long as you don't go
anywhere that has a 'Penis Parking Only' sign, you at least have a chance.

If you're mainly looking for some company, and sex would be nothing more than
an added bonus, try going to some cultural venues. Women love to flock around
museums, jazz clubs, poetry readings, and any kind of festival that passes
through town. (Unfortunately for you, that means independent foreign film
festivals, too.) These kinds of places are predominately filled with women and
gay men. Any straight guy that walks through the door has an immediate
advantage over the straight guys who go to places filled with mostly straight men.

Basically, there are a lot of women out there. You would have to try pretty hard to
go out and not see one. Just be sure to reserve certain moves for specific places.
If you offer a woman at the art exhibit a night of orgasms, you're gonna get
kicked in the balls. If you tell a drunk lady at a sleazy bar that you'd love to show
her the world, she'll show you what her ass looks like when she walks away.

Be cool. Be smooth. Be yourself.

And if that doesn't work, march straight back to the Nudie Bar. You might not get
laid, but you'll definitely have a good time.

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Curse Her in Writing

At this point, you've probably got a lot of things you'd like to get off your chest.
You must have a lot of thoughts festering, ideas on what you should have said
when she acted like a royal bitch. So, you think and you think about everything
that you could have done; all the things you could have said.

And it really pisses you off to know that it's too late to say any of them.

So, take my advice. Sit around and think about everything she did that made you
want to poke out your own eye so you could stay at the hospital instead of being
with her. Really rack your mind for all of the truths you never shared. Don't hold
back. She has no whining rights now, so you can be as blunt as you want.

Did you get more enjoyment plunging the toilet than you did when she went down
on you? Was her ass really as big as she thought it was? Did the thought of
eating her cooking make you wish you were on a liquid diet? Was her out-of-
control body hair enough to make you feel like less of a man?

If so, you need to let it all out. Sit down at your computer. If you'd prefer, grab a
pen and paper. Crack open a beer, crack your knuckles, and get cracking. Again,
don't hold back. Mega Hoe needs to be put back in her place. And you're just the
man to get the job done.

By the time your letter is finished, you'll probably wind up with a literary
masterpiece. You'll want to run to the post office and buy a book of stamps. You
might run to Office Max for a new color ink cartridge so you can properly print the
diagram you drew of what the differences between men and women are
supposed to be. You could even print out snappy mailing labels so you can mail
your Pulitzer-worthy letter to your ex and everybody else she's ever met.

But, you're going to rip it up instead.

Now, I know that's the last thing you want to do after all the hard work you put
into your letter. You were so honest that she would probably cry for a week after
reading it. Like many other things in life, the best thing you can do is to get rid of
the evidence.

The process of writing a letter is therapeutic. It releases all your anger and
articulates it into words. On the other hand, mailing a letter is a bit like nailing
your hand to a wall. It's just not a good idea. The last thing you need is to hand
her proof that she hurt you. That would give her all the leverage. And like your
sex with her, you're much better on top.

So, write the letter. Rip the letter. Get on with your life.

And hey. If you still feel shitty about the whole thing, you can always work on her

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obituary the next time you feel the need to write.

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Revenge Is Best Served Cold

You've come to terms with the fact that she sucks. You've gone to every strip
club, meat-market bar, and hopping nightclub in town. You've gotten drunk to the
point that you can't even remember if you had a good time or not. You've written
a letter that could make a porn star blush, a dominatrix cry, and a prostitute
consider moving into a nunnery. You've even torn that letter up, thrown it into the
toilet, and barfed all over it after your body told you what it thought of your
drunken rampage.

Still, the only thing you can think about is hooking her nipples to your clothesline
and leaving her to dangle naked while the neighborhood children hit her with
sticks.

A woman would probably be a bit disturbed by that idea. To a bunch of men who
know the evil power of women, it sounds like a perfectly rational reaction. In fact,
it sounds a bit tame compared to what you would do to her if she wasn't a
woman. Of course, if she wasn't a woman, you wouldn't be in this mess to begin
with.

I know that revenge sounds like a splendid idea, and I really can't blame you for
thinking so. The only problem with revenge is that it has a good chance of
backfiring on you. If you're thinking of doing something that could either land you
in jail, throw you in a mental institution, or cause those neighborhood kids to
move, I would say you probably shouldn't do it. After all, you're not going to feel
any better about your break up if you wind up sharing a cell with a new girlfriend
named Bubba.

Just because you shouldn't act on all of the things you'd like to do to her doesn't
mean that you can't think about them. I completely support your decision to plan
out every nasty bit of retaliation that you can think of.

In fact, I'd like to help you with your planning - as long as you promise not to
actually try any of these things. Assuming that we have a deal, here are some
things that have crossed my mind during a break up. And if we don't have a deal,
there's not really anything I can do to make you stay away from this list, is there?

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Do NOT Try this at Home
But get a good laugh thinking about it!

10. Contact the Army, Marines, Navy, and Air Force to let them know 'she' is
interested. Hell, contact the National Guard, too! If one of them can't convince
her to join, they'll sure drive her crazy trying!

9. Put an in-depth listing in the newspaper that labels her house for sale. Make it
sound really good, and list it for a cheap price. If she was really a bitch, be bold.
Set a date and time for an open house. Unless your ex regularly checks the
home listings, she'll never see it coming!

8. Send an extravagant bouquet of flowers to her work. Make the card read
something like this:

Hey Sexy,
I can't wait to get you in the sack tonight
Signed,
Any woman's name

7. If you have access to her clothes, give her the new wardrobe she always
wanted. Cut the boobs out of her shirts and paint bulls eyes on her ass.

6. Replace her volumizing hair shampoo or conditioner with Nair. That will cut her
volumized ego right down to size!

5. Treat your ex to dinner - on her. Call every delivery place in town and have
them arrive at her house around the same time. Even though she's not the one
who ordered the food, the delivery drivers will put up a fight to get paid. But, hey.
Payback's a bitch.

4. The next time you catch a cold, seek her out. Tell her how very sick you are
and dwell on it for a bit. Once she gets the hint, lick her on the face. Even if your
germs don't get her, she'll probably make herself sick while she waits for the cold
from Hell to hit.

3. While you're at the doctor's office for said cold, tear out the magazine
subscription request forms from all the magazines. Fill out her name and
address. Don't forget to check off the box that says, "Bill me."

2. If you have access to her video rental card, head to the video store and rent
every dirty movie you can find. Don't return them. Ever. You and the bill
collectors will have a field day with this one!

1. Get your ex on the junk mail shit list. Use her name, phone number, and email
address to request information from any company that's willing to send

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information. This works well for colleges, Tupperware parties, and just about
every TV commercial that guarantees weight loss results.

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 Section 5
We Have Liftoff

"Women are an alien race set down among us." - John Updike

So, there we have it.

She tortured you by burning your skin with her random body hair. She made you
say you love her when she looked more like your brother than your
girlfriend/wife/mistress/sex kitten. She drove you crazy with her incessant need to
talk and cuddle. And she couldn't even bother to fry up a can of Spam for you.

All in all, I think your ex sort of sucks.

After reading this e-book, I hope you agree.

I hope you've come to understand exactly why you don't need crazy bitches like
her in your life. With all you've learned, I'm sure you have. After all, you've
learned a lot now. You've learned about the mutated female logic gene and why
women can't think like men. You've learned about the problems that come with
opinions. You've even learned about why you should never let a woman go near
your toilet.

By now, you've entertained the idea of sizzling off all her hair, enlisting her in the
military, and letting children hit her with sticks while she hangs from the laundry
line she never used. Though you should try to refrain from doing any of these
things, it doesn't hurt to dream.

And now that you have a better idea of how to move on, I hope you'll dream
better tonight.

Sure, women come from different planets. It's quite possible that they bleed slime
instead of blood. But that's no reason to hate all of them. Somewhere out there is
a perfectly human girl just waiting for you. And you'll find her when you're good
and ready.

In the meantime, go have fun. Let your past relationship teach you an important
lesson. After all, it really did teach you a lot. You now know exactly what you
don't want in a girlfriend ever again. And knowing what you don't want is just the
beginning of knowing what you do want.

So, live. Laugh. Smile.

And when all else fails, go to the nudie bar - you've earned it.

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Copyright 2005 – Lifted Hearts Network – ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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